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Transcript

Battle Beyond the Stars · Citizen Frame

• 0:00
  There's not a planet in the galaxy where there isn't a bounty on my head.
• 0:04
  What makes you so popular?
• 0:06
  I settle disputes very quickly. I'm very good at it. And I don't care who I work with.
• 0:12
  I've collected a lot of enemies along the way.
• 0:15
  Kill for pay? I have no home, no family, no principles.
• 0:21
  What else would I kill for? Pleasure? No. It's strictly business with me.
• 0:27
  Now, what's your purpose?
• 0:42
  I was going to say, hey, everybody, welcome to another sweet episode of Citizen
• 0:45
  Frame. But unfortunately, we're here to talk this piece of shit.
• 0:49
  Battle Beyond the Stars. You know, we talked Corman quite a bit on this podcast, and I love Corman.
• 0:55
  Nothing, he lays the groundwork for a lot of young, up-and-coming talent.
• 0:59
  In fact, James Cameron was one of the head of his special effects team in this.
• 1:04
  And James Horner, I think was his first music score. As well as Gail Anherd
• 1:09
  was a associate producer or assistant or something like that.
• 1:13
  And that's where James Cameron met her and they ended up forming Lightstorm,
• 1:17
  which ended up creating aliens and Terminators.
• 1:21
  Yes. So like I said before, that's really cool.
• 1:25
  So I always like to give Corman passes. I always give Corman passes because
• 1:30
  I understand his vision.
• 1:31
  Low budget ripoffs of other bigger budget versions. That's it.
• 1:35
  That's what he does. and to seek out new talent.
• 1:39
  So I can't fault him on that.
• 1:42
  But I can't. I have to fault him on this one. I like Corman's earlier,
• 1:47
  basically Edgar Allan Poe, Vincent Price films.
• 1:50
  They're very good. And obviously they're adaptations of, you know,
• 1:53
  Edgar Allan Poe's works, but they're, they feel more sort of,
• 1:59
  they feel like they have more artistic merit, certainly than some of the stuff that came later.
• 2:04
  Well, the two films we talked about, with the back-to-back, and it's a fun podcast.
• 2:08
  You guys should listen to it, Piranha and Alligator.
• 2:11
  And I think he hits home runs when it's hard. Yes, he knows harder, better.
• 2:16
  A, because you don't need the big budgets. Now, this one doesn't have a big budget.
• 2:21
  It's got some good stuff going for it. Oh, by the way, have I said the title?
• 2:24
  You did? You said it? Yeah, it's Battle Beyond the Stars. I did say that? Yes, you did. Okay.
• 2:29
  It's different. I'll give it that. It's pretty much a ripoff of,
• 2:33
  it's a sci-fi theme, an adaptation of The Magnificent Seven and The Seven Samurai.
• 2:40
  And this is Corman's biggest film, I think.
• 2:44
  It was $2.5 million to make. And I will say this, for $2.5 million,
• 2:50
  the effects aren't that bad considering.
• 2:53
  And it made $20 million. So do
• 2:56
  you know where he did hit a home run with it
• 2:59
  Considering most of his stuff doesn't make that much money Yeah apparently
• 3:03
  a lot of the budget Perhaps not the bulk of it Went on basically paying George
• 3:09
  Pepard and Robert Vaughan their fees And I don't know exactly how much But apparently
• 3:16
  a large chunk of the budget of the film Did go on paying them essentially To appear in it,
• 3:24
  Well, okay. Well, yeah, they are. I will say this. The cast is okay.
• 3:29
  And I like the idea you cast. And I have nothing against a boy.
• 3:36
  What's his name? George Peppard.
• 3:39
  No, it's George Pappard, by the way. Get it right, man.
• 3:43
  Don't you start about getting names wrong? No, no. You always butcher names.
• 3:48
  So I'm going to fucking tear you this way. Brian Blast. Anytime you do it.
• 3:51
  What the fuck? That's what you said last time.
• 3:55
  But Richard Thomas was pretty much goody-two-shoots. John Boyd Walton?
• 4:00
  He was John Boyd from the Waltons.
• 4:04
  So they cast him in his kind of starring role. Don't think he fits the role,
• 4:08
  to be honest with you. But I understand why Corman went that direction.
• 4:11
  He's a fish out of water. He wants to try something different,
• 4:14
  and that's what he does with his films. So casting him made sense.
• 4:17
  And getting Darlene Fluegel, who I fell in love with when I saw her in To Live
• 4:22
  and Die in L.A., Always had a crush on her Beautiful actress,
• 4:26
  very talented Died way too young,
• 4:28
  sadly I prefer Sybil Darling in this Viking space woman What a no talent ass clown Oh my god,
• 4:36
  It's not about talent with her,
• 4:39
  We're We're jumping ahead here Let's just fucking get this done You know what's funny,
• 4:44
  I'm watching this And James Cameron helped create the models And stuff,
• 4:48
  did you notice That the The spaceship that Shad flies is Mary Image.
• 4:58
  They look, if you watch the Terminator and the Terminators playing spaceships. Yes, I know that. Yes.
• 5:05
  I think he took a lot of the models from here and even looks like the carrier
• 5:09
  from Aliens. Absolutely.
• 5:11
  Absolutely. Yes, and I would say as well, here, it is basically a spaceship
• 5:16
  shaped like a lady's part with boobs on the bottom of it.
• 5:23
  But it's a Roger Corman film.
• 5:27
  I didn't notice that. You're sick. No, no.
• 5:30
  What do you mean? Yeah, this is going to be Frank and Hooker all over again.
• 5:34
  How could you miss it? It's plain as day.
• 5:38
  I saw Roger Corman film. I'd be disappointed if there wasn't stuff like this in it.
• 5:45
  Fuck me. Okay, let's just jump into this. Yeah. Let's just jump into this quickly, please. Go ahead.
• 5:51
  All right. So 1980, Battle Beyond the Stars. It's an American space opera.
• 5:57
  That's giving away too much credit.
• 5:59
  Our main characters, we got Gelt.
• 6:03
  He's an intergalactic assassin with a bounty on his head.
• 6:07
  Yep. We got the space cowboy, an earthling space trucker with a western fixation.
• 6:12
  We got Nanelia, a beautiful young woman who just wants to get laid.
• 6:17
  We got Saint X-Men, a proud female warrior who just loves bondage gear.
• 6:24
  What an outfit. We got Caiman. We got Caiman.
• 6:27
  A reptilian who holds a personal grudge to Sador and wants to fight him and get revenge.
• 6:34
  And then we have the Nestor, a race of fucking freaks. Did you notice who's
• 6:38
  playing the main Nestor? Yeah, I got him. Yeah.
• 6:41
  Yeah. Dr. Sibberman from the Terminator films. Earl Bone. Earl Bone. Yeah. Earl Bone. Yes.
• 6:48
  All right. We got the director, Jimmy Murakami. I don't give a fuck.
• 6:52
  John Sayles is back. He wrote Piranha and he wrote Alligator.
• 6:56
  John Salas would go on to win multiple awards for his work in a lot of dramas
• 7:00
  he did. I believe Lone Star and Passionfish and so forth.
• 7:04
  Very, very talented man. I think this is a very good script.
• 7:08
  I'm sure the realization is certainly B-movie. Stop. It's not. There's no. You can.
• 7:14
  It's literally a copy and paste of The Magnificent Seven. I know,
• 7:17
  but. So it's not a good script.
• 7:20
  It's a good script. It's not an Oscar winning script. It's not a good script.
• 7:23
  It can't be. There's bad dialogue.
• 7:25
  It's terribly written. Bad dialogue is intentional. The main part of the script
• 7:29
  that you like is plagiarized.
• 7:32
  I know, but he's pretty decent enough. You know what? Stop. Stop. No, no.
• 7:38
  You always do this. You can't just go, it's pretty bad. You just can't do it. It's badly realized.
• 7:46
  Oh, now it's badly realized. No, it is. Of course it is. I mean, it's cheap looking.
• 7:50
  But at the same time, I have a certain affection for it as well.
• 7:54
  But I'm not denying that it is not badly realized overall.
• 8:00
  I mean, it's cheaply realized. I love my, you're rewriting your own. Not at all.
• 8:04
  Not at all. And I'll give you the reasons why. Not at all. I will
• 8:07
  back up the reasons why even though I can appreciate stuff like this for different
• 8:12
  reasons you know basically but they're terrible reasons they're terrible it's
• 8:18
  a matinee style sort of romp that brings me right back to the this is a 16 year
• 8:22
  old wet dream this is what this is okay nothing else Viking space woman,
• 8:27
  that's you you are like really perverted I'm not perverted fuck me you are you love You love this.
• 8:37
  You love finding something just, oh, I saw a spaceship. I was like,
• 8:41
  this is a really cool looking spaceship. Kind of reflects on the Terminator aliens.
• 8:45
  No, you see tits. It's impossible to miss.
• 8:49
  Yeah. You know, that's cool, man. I mean, fucking hell. What do you like in
• 8:53
  a porno? I don't watch porn.
• 8:55
  Or like yourself. Oh, whatever. With your dungeon. Oh, shit.
• 8:58
  With your dungeon. Oh, shit.
• 9:00
  Squirtum cowboy. Trevor's there. Yeah, well, you know, down in your sort of
• 9:04
  dungeon where you have Rebecca Ferguson chained to a wall, you know, let's not go there.
• 9:10
  You know, someone's going to listen to this podcast and just happen to listen
• 9:13
  to that one bit you just said and call the police.
• 9:16
  The FBI will pop a cop in your ass.
• 9:23
  Mulder and Scully. Fuck me. Long day.
• 9:26
  All right. So we got Richard Thomas, Robert Vaughn, George Pappard,
• 9:31
  John Saxon. I love John Saxon. Yes.
• 9:33
  It's the only role he's played where his,
• 9:38
  birthmark slash scar keeps changing I would say about George Saxon here that
• 9:44
  he looks like he hasn't a clue what's going on nobody does, nobody does they're terrible,
• 9:51
  I mean Robert Vaughn wanted to probably hang himself during this I mean he looks,
• 9:55
  please get me off of this he's basically playing the same character that he
• 9:58
  played in the Magnificent Seven you know, but it does look like he's going to
• 10:02
  be there for the paycheck,
• 10:03
  but I noticed that John Saxon in particular seemed to be...
• 10:08
  You could almost hear him internally thinking, what the fuck?
• 10:15
  We'll get to that wonderful ending. This movie's,
• 10:20
  so anti-climatic. It's so bad. Alright, Sybil Danning and then Delaine Flugel. Yeah.
• 10:28
  Let's jump into it. Okay. So Sadar, pretty much calls John Boy up and goes,
• 10:34
  hey, listen. You're not John Boy.
• 10:37
  We're going to destroy your planet. You're going to let's take it over because
• 10:41
  we like your farming because you're an agricultural planet. Yes.
• 10:45
  And I'm going to destroy you here with my doomed ship, the Hammerhead. I will destroy you all.
• 10:53
  And so John Boy says, fuck you.
• 10:57
  I'm going to go get some help. And then I was waiting for the...
• 11:03
  Well, I mean, it's almost like sort of A-Team-esque, which ties in with George
• 11:08
  Pappard, you know, because it's like, you know, you've got to have some help
• 11:12
  here to save the planet. So...
• 11:15
  So, the old wise fucker says, hey, listen, you're going to go to the Phoenix
• 11:21
  Cluster and you're going to get some weapons from this fucker, Dr. Hepatitis.
• 11:29
  Who has a sexy daughter. Yeah, who he wants to get fucked.
• 11:34
  It's like, Jesus, man, where's this going? And then later on,
• 11:37
  well, see, I think she likes a bit of it as well, because later on,
• 11:40
  she says something to Joan Boy Walton, like, do they have kissing on your planet?
• 11:46
  There's a line we'll get to in a second here but when and then you have these
• 11:51
  two pig fuckers these pig man long legs looking fuckers they're kind of like
• 11:57
  yeah they're kind of guarding the planet evil henchman and then you got the
• 12:02
  wise cracking talking ship Nell that's right she's sassy,
• 12:07
  she's sassy apparently from what I have read up on apparently the design of
• 12:14
  the ship is with the boobs and stuff is intentional because it's basically it
• 12:20
  has a female personality you know it is a female,
• 12:25
  if spaceships had sexes you know different sexes this would be a female spaceship
• 12:31
  and that's why it has the boobs I'm not making this up this is what happens
• 12:35
  and this is how morbid your life is,
• 12:39
  you're at home right and And you got your smokes out.
• 12:44
  Yep. And your boost bar and your banana.
• 12:47
  What? Are you stalking me?
• 12:50
  And that's your breakfast, you fucker. How do you know? So. Stalker.
• 12:55
  As you're watching this, as you're watching this.
• 12:58
  You got your little iPad out and you're Googling.
• 13:03
  You're looking at, you're seeing something no one's really catching,
• 13:05
  but you're going to go, oh my God.
• 13:08
  And you're drooling and you're like, oh, boobies.
• 13:12
  And so you're actually Googling, do the spaceships have women's parts built into them?
• 13:18
  And is that deliberate? You're actually Googling that. You're not like,
• 13:22
  you're just not like researching on IMBD or blah. No, no.
• 13:25
  You're literally typing in the words. No, no. this stuff is openly available.
• 13:31
  On the likes of IMDB and stuff, I see these things discussed.
• 13:36
  I do admit to having a thing for Sybil Danning in it, that costume is pretty
• 13:42
  breathtaking, to be fair.
• 13:44
  I mean, you're saying that acting isn't very good, which you suggested earlier. Who cares?
• 13:51
  Alright, so he gets the ship with Dr. Hepatitis, whatever, and his daughter
• 13:56
  Natalia did you know by the way by the way see Dr.
• 13:59
  Hepatitis or whatever you call him did you know do you notice who he is oh fuck
• 14:04
  me don't he plays the I forget the guy's name he's quite a well known actor
• 14:10
  his name just escapes me at the moment but he played the Sands Buffon guy in
• 14:14
  the day the Earth Stood still the original classic.
• 14:19
  But anyway, he's selling off his daughter here. Yeah, so she's been with robots her whole life.
• 14:25
  And the father's like, listen, you're not going to go help your planet.
• 14:28
  You're going to stay here and breed with my daughter. I know.
• 14:32
  I was like, okay.
• 14:35
  She's basically being pimped out by her dad, who's like half robot at this point.
• 14:39
  I'd be all over that, like one on rice. No problem. What about the androids
• 14:43
  on their space station thing? I'd be like, fuck it here.
• 14:48
  I'm going to stay here. Right. And this is a guy that calls me a perv.
• 14:51
  Well, no, there's a difference. What's the difference?
• 14:55
  I'm a man. And I, and I, there's a difference between being attracted to somebody,
• 15:02
  an actress, and then Googling fucking spaceship.
• 15:11
  What's wrong with like intense on spaceships? She just, this is a lie.
• 15:17
  Fuck you. It's so childish.
• 15:20
  People have already turned this off. Yeah. Anyway, back to...
• 15:25
  Or they reported us. One of the two.
• 15:29
  But anyway, back to the saddest guy. He's like half robot, pimpin' out his daughter.
• 15:35
  Yeah, so he goes, yeah, bring him to my daughter's room and prepare the conjugal sleep.
• 15:43
  What sort of a father is this? I know. Yeah. But again, I'd go with it.
• 15:48
  I get it. Oh, right. So it's okay, whatever you're perfect.
• 15:53
  Whatever you do, it's classy, you get it. But whatever I do,
• 15:56
  it's like, it's cheap and tacky. Right? Yeah.
• 15:59
  My stuff's all got here, and he's funny. Yeah. Your stuff is like fucking dark webs.
• 16:05
  What's wrong with that? I mean, I'll go back to it again, you know what I mean?
• 16:09
  What can I say? I enjoy space.
• 16:12
  Spaceships with boobs. So...
• 16:17
  So there's a line where she goes, so you're staying with me?
• 16:20
  And he's like, well, no, I got to go help my planet. And don't you have enough toys?
• 16:25
  Yes. Oh, no, this is, there's a lot of sort of, you know, innuendo here.
• 16:29
  Not quite on the level as a Flash Gordon, but there's quite a few innuendos here.
• 16:36
  Yeah. So she decides to leave with him. So, cause she's like a computer nerd.
• 16:42
  Yes. My God. Them will be cowboys. And then you got that Sandor scene.
• 16:48
  You got that Sandor scene. Yes.
• 16:50
  And with Sandor, it's like, oh my God, they're going to try to come against me? How dare they?
• 16:58
  Well, you know what? I'm going to destroy them and there's not even going to be dust left.
• 17:04
  And I'm like, well, if you know they're going to get a bunch of teams to kick
• 17:08
  your ass, why don't you just attack the planet now? Yeah.
• 17:12
  Take it out. for plot campaign's sake. That's why.
• 17:17
  This film only would have been half an hour, which might have done us a favour, actually, but...
• 17:23
  He's just, I'm going to destroy them all. All of them. Yeah,
• 17:28
  this is probably. But I'm going to wait until they get all their vigilantes.
• 17:31
  I mean, I've always really liked John Saxon, but this is probably the only real
• 17:38
  film I've seen him in where he looks as though he would rather be somewhere else.
• 17:44
  You know what? He's got Black Christmas, Enter the Dragon, and Nightmare on
• 17:50
  Elm Street under his belt. Yeah, Lordy, other. Yeah.
• 17:52
  Oh, I know. George Pappard is the cowboy. It's terrible. This is terrible.
• 17:57
  It's corny. He happens to be a gun runner. He's going to train them all.
• 18:02
  I love how every one of them is willing to do this.
• 18:05
  Everyone they meet. Everyone they meet. Well, there's no reluctant heroes.
• 18:09
  You know the way, and say, even in a Sylvester Stallone or a Jason Statham film,
• 18:15
  they're always reluctant heroes where there's always that bit at the start where
• 18:18
  they go, no, I can't do it.
• 18:20
  I don't want to do it. And then eventually they relent and they decide to do
• 18:24
  it anyway, you know, against their sort of better wishes.
• 18:28
  But here it's just, John Boyd Walton rocks up and goes, hey,
• 18:31
  want to help me save my planet? Yeah, okay, let's do it.
• 18:35
  And it's a suicide mission, by the way, no problem. Yeah, against like basically
• 18:39
  this alternate sort of Darth Vader character who is known as being a brutal dictator.
• 18:44
  So yes, it's a suicide mission. And they're just like, yeah,
• 18:47
  cool, let's do it. You know?
• 18:50
  And then Naniya gets kidnapped for like five minutes. Of course.
• 18:53
  Like Kamin, the lizard man.
• 18:55
  And she's being hung and she's being tied up, whatever.
• 18:59
  And then Kamin guy goes, I'm going to kill you.
• 19:03
  And then she goes, oh, but you can help us. We want to defeat Sandor. He's like, Sandor?
• 19:09
  I hate him. He has a personal gruff. Okay, I'll let you go. Yeah.
• 19:13
  Yeah, he has a personal gruff. And then he's like, Gwopig, which is pretty much
• 19:16
  his gimp. Yeah, the two weird guys. I see.
• 19:21
  And those are, yeah. So then he, and then Colpeg is the man server and all the leather gear and the.
• 19:29
  It's a Roger Corman film. Then we meet the three freaks, the three-eyed freaks, Nestors.
• 19:36
  Yes, the Nestor. The Nestors.
• 19:39
  Did you notice their spaceship is very similar to a TARDIS in Doctor Who? It is very similar.
• 19:46
  No, the interior of it. I thought you were going to say a vagina or something.
• 19:49
  Oh, see, this is where your mind goes. Your mind is in the sewer. Absolute sewer.
• 19:57
  You disgust me actually I'm probably going to take a cold shower after this
• 20:03
  podcast you probably take a cold shower 10 minutes into this you fucking sick freak anyway,
• 20:10
  it looks very similar to especially classic series Doctor Who a TARDIS the interior
• 20:15
  of it just thought I'd throw that in so boring and cheap.
• 20:23
  That was a good one Yeah. Sadly, sadly, there are no sex references to be made with their spaceship.
• 20:32
  And then they go to this, like, rundown Vegas. Yeah.
• 20:36
  And it's like, dial a drug and dial a date. Yeah.
• 20:40
  And we meet Robert Vaughn, who is emotionless in this film.
• 20:47
  He, I felt, I've never felt so sorry for an actor in my entire life.
• 20:52
  He was praying to get off the set. You can just see it in his face.
• 20:59
  And he decides to do it because he wants he's tired of being a bounty on his
• 21:03
  head so he just wants to go to a place where he can lay low and have a meal it's a redemption arc,
• 21:09
  he's got the best redemption arc yes John
• 21:12
  Boy gets laid so I think that's a good one I'm jumping ahead a bit but there's
• 21:17
  a line later on which I found hilarious where after Robert Vaughan dies John
• 21:23
  Boy Walton says get him a dinner get him a dinner and bury it with him. What?
• 21:32
  It's like Roddy Walton. Yeah.
• 21:37
  The fights here are terrible. And it's pretty realized, yes.
• 21:42
  It's like pew, pew, got him.
• 21:45
  Pew, pew, got him. Yeah.
• 21:47
  And I love the fact in the first attack with John Boy, Chad,
• 21:53
  whoever the fuck you want to call him, John Boy doesn't want to kill anybody, right?
• 21:58
  So now it's like, you got to have some balls and you got to fucking kill something. It's a computer.
• 22:02
  So he kills something, finally. And then the rest of the film is like, yeah, I'm loving this.
• 22:07
  Well, that's his emotional arc and journey where he goes from being a quiet
• 22:14
  little farm boy, Luke Skywalker standing, to being basically a sociopath who loves killing.
• 22:22
  That's his journey. Is that a farm boy?
• 22:25
  Oh, yeah. That's what I got out of it. Yeah. Why is he so mean?
• 22:31
  To say X-Men. He's very rude to her.
• 22:34
  Why does he want her to help? There is no real explanation. You'd think he would
• 22:38
  be grateful of a highly sexy Klingon standing, basically human,
• 22:44
  humanoid looking Klingon standing.
• 22:47
  But for some reason, I don't know. It's never really explained.
• 22:50
  I think he just finds her a bit annoying the way she sort of gets on.
• 22:54
  You'd think he would be welcoming of her.
• 22:57
  But I think it's just to add a bit more tension into the script to be honest
• 23:01
  I don't say tension you know what I mean character conflict you know I love her
• 23:07
  outfit the bra looks like hands yeah yeah oh you see what don't you ever accuse
• 23:14
  me of sort of jumping that's conclusions it's it's blatant that's blatant it's
• 23:20
  very revealing I'm not looking at fucking internal whatever yeah she does look amazing,
• 23:26
  I love there's a line that John Boy gives to George Papara, I think it is,
• 23:32
  and he smokes or something.
• 23:33
  He says, you should never smoke. That's bad for your lungs. You shouldn't do that.
• 23:36
  A little safety message for all the kids watching this.
• 23:40
  You can have tits and asses, planes and shit, but no, no, don't smoke it.
• 23:46
  But this next scene, the daughter's going to be sold by the father.
• 23:51
  Smoking bad, prostituting your own daughter, good.
• 23:57
  So fucking stupid A public service announcement During fucking Battle Beyond the Stars,
• 24:04
  But he still smokes anyway You know Because he's a cowboy,
• 24:08
  Because he's Hannibal Smith from the A-Team You know I know George Pappard always
• 24:14
  had A bad reputation But I always liked him And I know he had very You only
• 24:20
  liked him You don't know any of his films You only liked him because of the
• 24:23
  fucking A-Team For the start Okay Okay Google that. Not at all.
• 24:28
  He was in other westerns. What do you call that famous western?
• 24:31
  How the West was one? He's in that. He was not in that.
• 24:36
  I'm almost certain he is. Yeah, you picked one western that pretty much has every actor in it.
• 24:41
  I know he had a bad reputation, so he did, but he did have very serious issues with the drink.
• 24:47
  But I do know that in his later life, before he passed away,
• 24:50
  he did a lot of work with recovering alcoholics and for charity and stuff.
• 24:55
  So he had his own real life redemption arc So yeah, I mean I've always liked
• 25:00
  him Even though he has always I have known about his Having a bad reputation,
• 25:07
  And basically because he became so basically toxic, essentially,
• 25:12
  that's why he ended up essentially slumming it in the likes of this film.
• 25:19
  Yeah. A lot of actors did that. Burr Bridges. Yes.
• 25:23
  Well, that's the, you know, it's not just with an actor. That happens generally, I think.
• 25:29
  Yeah. So the pigmen. Yes. Who are guarding everything. This is the penchman.
• 25:35
  There's actually a scene where the pig man, the two pig people that are hovering
• 25:42
  over the Akir, keeping an eye on things for Shadar.
• 25:46
  Come on, man, keep up. Do you know they're actually botched clones of Shadar?
• 25:51
  It's revealed later on. Yeah, that's why they have the scars in their face.
• 25:54
  Yeah, they're basically botched clones.
• 25:57
  Yeah, really botched. But they actually take one of the women and rape her.
• 26:02
  Oh, that's right. Yeah, they basically... And they go, oh, boss,
• 26:07
  we have a problem. And he goes, what? He goes, never mind the woman.
• 26:11
  And he runs out as they're about to be attacked, their ship.
• 26:14
  And one woman, he's attacking, he's trying to put her clothes back on.
• 26:18
  And I'm like, what the fuck? And she helps them.
• 26:20
  So she helps the fighter kill them by fucking up their cockpit.
• 26:26
  And so she self-sacrifices herself.
• 26:28
  But yeah, there's a little, it's like, dude. It's dark for the children's phone.
• 26:33
  Where are we going here, man? It's not dark. It's just poorly executed.
• 26:37
  It's not the only thing here that's poorly executed.
• 26:43
  Five shifts against 25. But while they did. Suicide mission. Yeah, well, I mean, no.
• 26:49
  Go ahead. Best scene. Best scene in the film.
• 26:52
  Where Saint X-Mean is going to teach Natalia about sex.
• 26:58
  Now, I don't understand why we can't have Essie. Right.
• 27:03
  Am I wrong? This is the guy who had an absolute cheek to call me a perv,
• 27:07
  and now he's looking some litty-on-litty action, let's just say. Wow.
• 27:12
  You know? No, it was a teachable moment, and I felt like that would have been
• 27:16
  powerful. Textbook stats. It would have really added to the plot, actually.
• 27:20
  You know? You know? Yeah. If fucking Dave Lynch was directing it,
• 27:24
  we'd get it. That's for sure. It would have been preferred and educational.
• 27:29
  Yeah, so Natalie asked John Boy, can we fuck? Yeah. Do they have kitchen on your planet?
• 27:35
  And he's like, yep, no problem.
• 27:39
  Well, you know. I was waiting for him to be all, well, I barely know you.
• 27:44
  And I have to save my planet.
• 27:46
  And I have to save myself for when I'm married.
• 27:51
  And I would have loved it yeah I love her and it would have been her first time first time for what?
• 27:58
  And I think it's his oh yes right yes I yeah because she's been on unless she
• 28:02
  was having sex with the robots which that would be just creepy yeah well you
• 28:06
  know she was up on the space station with her sort of weird da and these other quite weird androids,
• 28:15
  the androids are pretty flipping annoying too on her space station. If I was Shad...
• 28:22
  I give her the best 30 seconds of her life. Of his as well.
• 28:27
  What? Yeah, 30 seconds. By the surge of things. What are you talking about here?
• 28:34
  By the surge of things, I don't think Chad has ever been with a lady before. Let's just say.
• 28:40
  So I don't think he would last too long. That's what I'm saying.
• 28:44
  Quicksilver. Yeah, exactly. Squirt him, cowboy.
• 28:52
  So there's a terrible scene in this where oh my
• 28:56
  god purple part he's playing the uh harmonica yes and they're all sitting there
• 29:01
  it's like it's like a bonding scene fire they're sitting around yeah sitting
• 29:04
  around campfire having hot dogs and they give nascore hot dog it's like it's
• 29:10
  like you're supposed to god this is a real powerful you're really starting to
• 29:13
  really feel for these people.
• 29:15
  I could give one rat's ass. It's so forced and so bad.
• 29:19
  And the actors are just standing there, like the director went,
• 29:22
  hey, stand in a circle and just Ultimately, though, this is a film about friendship
• 29:27
  and self-sacrifice and it's scenes like this that really sort of bond to friendship.
• 29:35
  Whenever Hannibal Smith from the A-Team, Hans Nestor the psychiatrist guy from
• 29:40
  The Terminator, the hot dog and he starts literally dissecting it you know what's
• 29:45
  in it and all this here he goes yeah back on earth that's what we call meat.
• 29:51
  Oh, my God. It's, you know... So we get to the face fights, the first fight scene.
• 29:58
  There's absolutely no tension here. All they do is use the same clips from ships flying.
• 30:03
  And then... And not only that, not only that, Corman used clips from this in
• 30:09
  some of his later films, I believe.
• 30:11
  Oh, wait, what a bastard. No, no, Corman was well-known for that,
• 30:15
  recycling sort of old clips and stuff.
• 30:16
  So, yes, it was then reused in other Corman films.
• 30:22
  I love how Gil's dead he self-sacrifices himself he crashed into the planet
• 30:28
  or something or is he I don't know where his body was found all of a sudden
• 30:33
  yes they retrieve the body and also cowboy self-sacrifices as well so does space viking woman too.
• 30:43
  Get the name right man sorry yeah,
• 30:47
  So these fucking things come down, and they have these sonar things.
• 30:52
  It's a stellar ray. Get it right. Yeah. Whatever.
• 30:55
  And they're like, oh, my God. We can't ground fight these guys because my ears are bleeding.
• 31:01
  Oh, the sonar. That's the sonar thing. Yes. I said that. Yeah.
• 31:05
  The stellar ray is later on. It's a big badass ray that's coming at the end.
• 31:10
  So you got that sonar thing, and so the Kelvins are going to help because they
• 31:14
  have no ears. That comes in handy.
• 31:17
  And they use all their power to stop the tanks and the gunmen or something and
• 31:21
  then they fall, but they just need some nutrition or something.
• 31:24
  I don't know what the fuck happened there.
• 31:26
  But yet all the soldiers run away.
• 31:29
  Well, all you guys have like M16s. These are farmers. They don't know what the
• 31:33
  fuck they're doing. Why did they run away?
• 31:35
  Because the sonar was so powerful. You know. No, is there a sonar?
• 31:39
  Oh, yeah. Who knows? I don't know.
• 31:43
  Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. But at the end, you know,
• 31:47
  they never get the self-sacrifice of Viking space woman.
• 31:51
  No, we're not there yet. You're jumping ahead. What about Zed, man?
• 31:55
  The old fucker. Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah.
• 31:58
  He gets into a fight, and then he gets stabbed. Yes, his mentor. Yeah.
• 32:01
  That's wild. Yeah, his mentor. Yeah. Very powerful moment. And then when they're
• 32:05
  on the spaceship, and John Boy is like, what's going on, Nell?
• 32:09
  And Nell goes, I have to tell you something sad.
• 32:13
  Zed's gone, man. Zed's gone And then You can see the tear You can see the tear
• 32:19
  Coming up in his eye Yeah Zed's dead baby Zed's dead,
• 32:23
  Zed's dead Yeah Oh my god And then Nell Of course later on She There's a lot
• 32:30
  of Self-sacrifice here actually There's a scene where,
• 32:34
  Shad is, you know, trying to help the wounded. And all these bodies are all
• 32:39
  over the place. And in comes St.
• 32:41
  X-Men with her fucking tits hanging out. And she's like, yeah,
• 32:44
  I just got some badass. I was kicking some ass up there, blah, blah, blah.
• 32:48
  And Shad's like, would you put some fucking clothes on your horn?
• 32:51
  I mean, this is a fucking hospital. What the fuck are you doing, you dumb bitch?
• 32:56
  That's quite nasty. That's pretty much what he says to him. Yeah,
• 33:00
  well. But he does it in John Boy.
• 33:02
  He does it in pleasant, more polite John Boy speak, yeah.
• 33:05
  And then Gail's alive. I don't know how he survived that crash,
• 33:09
  but he only lasts for like a second. Yes.
• 33:12
  And that's where at the end he cries. I was like, wow, that's a very powerful moment.
• 33:17
  And he goes, all he wanted was a meal and a place to hide. So to bury him with
• 33:21
  his dinner? To bury him with a full meal, basically?
• 33:25
  He goes, you bury him with a full course meal. Yeah.
• 33:29
  Which in the planet it's pretty much a Big Mac and a super sized fry yeah in
• 33:33
  the planet it's basically a pot noodle in a boost bar.
• 33:43
  So Sandor has one of these three eye fuckers and he tortures him it's so funny
• 33:47
  it seems so badly edited he goes if you don't I'm going to torture your friend
• 33:52
  and the other guy's like well another one can do for you,
• 33:56
  he's not going to tell you anything Okay We're gonna torture him Cut to Oh he's dead Yep,
• 34:04
  and it took me later on to work out that actually ZR actually only has one arm
• 34:09
  so he's like yeah I was wondering what was going on with that arm scene what was that all about?
• 34:14
  I think from what I can gather it's not completely properly explained I think he only ever had one arm,
• 34:21
  but then he then takes up one of the Nestor arms and puts it on himself but
• 34:27
  then it doesn't work out because the Nestor are basically having none of it
• 34:30
  and then later on whenever he's removed the arm,
• 34:34
  you can quite clearly see it's John Saxon in a bulky sort of outfit to hide where his arm's hidden.
• 34:42
  So that's why they were able to control the arm. Well, the Nestor consciousness,
• 34:47
  if you're paying attention.
• 34:48
  Yes, they were able, because that's a Nestor arm. Yes. That's why they could
• 34:52
  control it. Yes. Ah, okay.
• 34:54
  The Nestor are like a hive mind, basically. They're like the Borg in Star Trek.
• 34:58
  Only better. They're not assholes.
• 35:02
  Like the Borg?
• 35:06
  Well, the Nesters are dead now. They died. They died. I mean,
• 35:09
  none of these deaths mean anything to me. I mean, nothing.
• 35:13
  It is just a body count for the sake of a body count. Like, you know,
• 35:17
  you're not properly the problem.
• 35:18
  I mean, it's hard to be too critical of a Roger Corman film,
• 35:22
  but you're not fully invested in these characters enough to actually give a
• 35:27
  shit whenever they do die and self-sacrifice.
• 35:29
  So instead of, like, actually curing, you're sort of laughing.
• 35:37
  Now whenever Mel starts the ship's computer, whenever she starts the malfunction
• 35:42
  it is quite like Hal in 2001 you know,
• 35:49
  absolutely, no but there are similarities but maybe just a different realisation
• 35:54
  let's just say wow you said this is better than 2001 yeah so when Big Boobs which one?
• 36:05
  She lets off a squeal. Yeah. And I'm like, why is she squealing?
• 36:12
  No, that's like a war cry type thing. Because she said, like the Klingons in
• 36:17
  Star Trek, she said she wanted an honorable, exciting death type thing,
• 36:22
  you know, to go down in sort of flames type thing and have a great death.
• 36:25
  So whenever she does that, that's like a sort of war cry.
• 36:29
  She's like meeting her death with sort of joy type thing, Almost sexually,
• 36:33
  you know, it's like, yeah, fuck yeah, death, you know what I mean?
• 36:37
  Fuck yeah, suicide racing for John Boyd Walton.
• 36:40
  You know, the Klingons do it in Star Trek.
• 36:44
  Yeah, and then Cayman. Yes. He does the kamikaze thing. Yes, he does. Yeah.
• 36:49
  Cowboy survives, right? No, no. Cowboy's dead. He crashes on the planet. So he does.
• 36:56
  That's right. You just see the crash. There's a couple of planetary crashes.
• 37:02
  Yeah. But his is one of them. These guys suck. Yeah.
• 37:05
  And it's actually quite sad because Cowboy had met one of the Akiva,
• 37:10
  or whatever you call them, women.
• 37:12
  And he was planning. Tear, man. okay and he
• 37:15
  was planning to bring her back to earth and they were going to live happily ever after but
• 37:18
  but he was going to get a role in the a team and but it it didn't work out because
• 37:24
  for the greater good a i think actually a lot you know a lot of the self-sacrifice
• 37:29
  here is actually it feels a bit unnecessary as well it just feels like he didn't
• 37:34
  really have to do that you know,
• 37:36
  you could have just shot at them shot back at them and then like dodged out
• 37:40
  of the way or something Well, the problem is they suck.
• 37:42
  So he's like, oh, fuck, I can't shoot. I can't hit a broad side of a barn.
• 37:48
  I must have just used my plane or my ship.
• 37:50
  So the ending here, when they stick their ship on top of their ship and they're
• 37:56
  going to eject out of it. Yes. Right?
• 37:59
  And then they're going to explode the hammerhead. And then it was a shot of Sador, John Saxon.
• 38:06
  He's like, I'm going to live forever. It was almost like.
• 38:10
  They shut down production. And he's just saying something. Like the crew,
• 38:15
  you know, they're supposed to
• 38:16
  say that people are running off the bridge because it's going to explode.
• 38:19
  But I felt like they were just closing down for the day. Yeah.
• 38:22
  It was like they're having a day off.
• 38:24
  And he's by himself. I'm going to live forever. This can't happen. Yeah.
• 38:28
  Yeah. Bummer. Yeah. It is, you know, again, I don't like being too harsh on
• 38:34
  these types of B-movies because they are what they are.
• 38:37
  But yes, I mean it is quite anticlimactic and.
• 38:44
  You know, I still like it I have to admit, you know what I mean it has that
• 38:49
  80s sort of Saturday afternoon,
• 38:52
  ITV, you know sitting watching it at home with your cousins and yes it is nostalgia
• 38:57
  you know, type thing, you know, and then Buck Rogers will be on later on Yeah,
• 39:02
  I've seen Buck Rogers, Battlestar Galactica do this much better.
• 39:05
  Probably, yeah But at the same time, you were still grouping in with all of
• 39:09
  that, you know, that Saturday afternoon matinee in the 1980s when you were a kid.
• 39:13
  And for that alone, I have affection for it.
• 39:17
  See, I can't. I mean, I understand what you're saying, but it's not like Goonies
• 39:21
  or Gremlins or other films we've talked about where you watch it now and you
• 39:28
  still love it and it still holds up. So this doesn't have that.
• 39:31
  This is you're 15 years old in the mom's basement watching your TV,
• 39:36
  you sleep over with your friends and you're giggling at it. He boobies.
• 39:40
  That's what this is. It's like Frankenhooker. We talked about that with Frankenhooker.
• 39:45
  It's the same thing. As an adult, come on. I mean, it's clearly realized.
• 39:49
  It's cheap. It's a cheap Star Wars Seven Samurai knockoff. Blatantly so.
• 39:55
  I'm not going to say that it's well made.
• 39:59
  I would say, though, that it is fun and it does bring a smile to my fierce it's
• 40:04
  not in any way we're gonna end on that one i don't dislike it okay sure,
• 40:10
  Yeah. Okay. We're going to wrap this one up. Quite quick.
• 40:14
  Almost as quick as sort of Zedar, whenever he met his final end,
• 40:18
  whenever he wanted to live forever.
• 40:23
  Poor John Saxon. He just really doesn't, he just looks like he really doesn't want to be there.
• 40:28
  None of them want to be there. John Saxon, that's what it is.
• 40:32
  I was looking for the word. He just looks confused. And so he does.
• 40:36
  And almost like disappointed with himself. are almost saying to himself,
• 40:41
  you ain't going to sack that fucking agent of mine.
• 40:46
  Yeah, it's a bad one. There's some better ones out there. Space Hunter and Metal Storm.
• 40:51
  Maybe we'll get to those down the road. Star Christ with the Hoff. What should do?
• 40:54
  No, that's going to be terrible. You haven't seen it? Stop.
• 41:02
  David Hasselhoff is not in a good movie. To fuck off right now.
• 41:08
  Jesus Christ You have a hard on for Night Raider,
• 41:13
  You have a fucking hard on for the A-Team That's the only reason why you're
• 41:16
  giving this fucking movie a pass Carlyne Monroe's in it.
• 41:22
  It's an Italian Star Wars knockoff with the Hoffman Carlyne Monroe Yeah, it's even worse Alright,
• 41:28
  We're done, guys, Christmas month's up next Yes, we are ready to go We're going
• 41:33
  to start Christmas month off with the 12 Monkeys Yes That will be out soon Then
• 41:38
  we got Sound of Night Deadly Night In a couple weeks Because that's coming in
• 41:42
  the theaters I think next weekend We're going to see where we're getting it,
• 41:47
  So we don't know if there's going to be a delay on that one yet.
• 41:49
  We just got to see if the theater is going to be playing it. I won't know.
• 41:52
  We won't know for about another few days if the local cinema will be getting
• 41:55
  Silent Night, Deadly Night.
• 41:56
  I'm sure it will. And go on streaming pretty quick anyway, but just hard quick
• 42:00
  to get it in time for Christmas. I don't know.
• 42:02
  But we'll figure it out. In the new year, we've got some new formatting going
• 42:05
  out, some new imagery starting to go out, and we're going to have just a new
• 42:09
  way of presenting the podcasts with just new logo and stuff.
• 42:14
  Instead of using the whole movie poster, we're going to do something a little
• 42:16
  different. just have a little change a change of scenery I guess you can say,
• 42:21
  doesn't hurt any that is all I've got you take care of yourselves,
• 42:26
  take care we're done I'm out I just want to get older man I just want to live forever bummer.
• 42:40
  I love the ending where they're on the spaceship and they say something he gives
• 42:45
  this poignant line about self-sacrifice or something.
• 42:49
  And then credits roll. Yep. Just ends. That was it. It's like,
• 42:52
  okay, budget's over. Corman, yeah.
• 42:55
  That's a wrap. Yeah.