Latest / An ASMR Practice / Friends, higher power, & family

Transcript

Friends, higher power, & family · An ASMR Practice

0:01
Speaker 1: No, I'm pretty sure Jack Kerouac wrote On the Road.
0:05
Speaker 1: And I didn't read that book, and I only know
0:09
Speaker 1: that because of Quiz Bowl. So, it's dork time. It's
0:14
Speaker 1: dork time. And Jack is, like, highly symbolic to me. Like,
0:19
Speaker 1: Jack and Joe went up the hill to patch a
0:22
Speaker 1: veil of water. You know? Hey, I went to this
0:29
Speaker 1: music festival, and I saw this woman who was, like,
0:33
Speaker 1: so beautiful that i like almost couldn't believe it and
0:38
Speaker 1: she had like a sparkly top on and i was
0:43
Speaker 1: kind of obsessed with this top and at some point
0:47
Speaker 1: we come to be sitting next to each other and
0:51
Speaker 1: i'm like i just can't stop looking at the top
0:53
Speaker 1: i'm like i'm just obsessed with this top girl like
0:55
Speaker 1: this is so sparkly and she was like i was
0:59
Speaker 1: like what I don't remember how it came to happen,
1:03
Speaker 1: but I like, we were talking about the material of it.
1:09
Speaker 1: She's like, yeah, usually she was saying something like, yeah,
1:11
Speaker 1: usually sparkly pops are like really itchy or something. She's like,
1:17
Speaker 1: feel this. And I felt it. And I was like, whoa, dude,
1:22
Speaker 1: I've never felt anything like this. I was like, okay,
1:26
Speaker 1: let's freaking go. and she they they said their name
1:33
Speaker 1: was jack and i was like what you're jack and
1:42
Speaker 1: her her man was also pretty handsome and i was
1:47
Speaker 1: like wow these are some baddies right here and i
1:53
Speaker 1: don't think they came back they were there the first
1:54
Speaker 1: night and i don't think they came back for any
1:56
Speaker 1: of the other nights as far as i saw But
2:00
Speaker 1: I was kind of, I was kind of doing my
2:02
Speaker 1: own thing. Sort of what I do. And her man,
2:09
Speaker 1: I don't remember his name, but he had a lumberjack
2:11
Speaker 1: kind of vibe. Like, like a flannel and like a
2:16
Speaker 1: Carhartt beanie. And like, and he had like a really
2:21
Speaker 1: professional camera. That's mainly what I remember. And he took
2:30
Speaker 1: a picture of us. And I wish I would have
2:33
Speaker 1: gotten their freaking contact information. Because I'm like... I mean,
2:36
Speaker 1: I kind of don't want to see what I look
2:37
Speaker 1: like next to this beautiful woman. Because she was like
2:39
Speaker 1: so beautiful. It was like, damn. Damn. But I just...
2:47
Speaker 1: I'm so curious what my face looks like in that picture.
2:51
Speaker 1: Because I was just like kind of a little stunned
2:53
Speaker 1: by it all. And... yeah i i don't know i
3:05
Speaker 1: wasn't planning on talking about that i don't know how
3:07
Speaker 1: it came up i'm basically waiting i stayed in this
3:11
Speaker 1: place and i'm waiting for like the bed sheets to
3:14
Speaker 1: be washed finished washing so i can like dry them
3:17
Speaker 1: and then like you know my friend said they were
3:21
Speaker 1: gonna come back and you know i was gonna like
3:23
Speaker 1: hug them goodbye or something Mostly I'm like waiting to
3:28
Speaker 1: move the stuff over to the dryer. And ideally I
3:34
Speaker 1: would probably also wait and fold it so it doesn't
3:37
Speaker 1: get like super wrinkled. Seems like a good thing to do. One, two, three, four, five.
3:43
Speaker 1: There is like storms coming in. It would seem or
3:48
Speaker 1: it's about to rain or something. So this is interesting.
3:57
Speaker 1: I like storms, usually. When I was in Pensacola, I...
4:04
Speaker 1: It was very serendipitous. It was extremely serendipitous. Because I
4:07
Speaker 1: was like... I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay
4:12
Speaker 1: or go. And ultimately, I ended up, I was like...
4:15
Speaker 1: I got so bored, I was like, dang, I guess
4:16
Speaker 1: I'm going to go work on a resume or something.
4:21
Speaker 1: And I went to the library. And this is the
4:23
Speaker 1: second time this happened on this freaking trip. Where I
4:25
Speaker 1: was like, okay, I'm so bored. That I'm going to
4:27
Speaker 1: go work on a resume. I was like where's the
4:29
Speaker 1: nearest library. I go to look for the library. And
4:32
Speaker 1: the library's closed. For some kind of maintenance. And so.
4:39
Speaker 1: But then it was very obvious. And then it's like
4:41
Speaker 1: as I'm pulling into the library. It's like my friend's calling.
4:43
Speaker 1: And my friend's like hey what's your plan tonight. Are
4:46
Speaker 1: we hanging out. And I was like okay. I was
4:48
Speaker 1: like yeah yeah yeah I'm coming. I'm coming back from
4:51
Speaker 1: the beach. I'm coming back from Florida. I'm out of here. And.
4:58
Speaker 1: It was, like, as... It's, like, I started to drive,
5:00
Speaker 1: and it just immediately started, like, flooding. Like, just... I mean,
5:04
Speaker 1: it started... Okay, it started sprinkling, and then it was, like,
5:06
Speaker 1: once I was on the highway, it was, like, a
5:08
Speaker 1: major flood kind of situation. I was, like, okay. And
5:11
Speaker 1: I was, like, drifting. I was, like, just drifting. I
5:15
Speaker 1: drifted one time really bad. Like, I thought I was
5:17
Speaker 1: gonna die. But then I got it. I know how
5:20
Speaker 1: to handle it. I know how to handle it. So,
5:23
Speaker 1: I handled it. And... that's what I did. That's literally
5:31
Speaker 1: what I did. And so now I'm looking at this.
5:34
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm wondering if as soon as I get
5:35
Speaker 1: in the car, if it's going to flood again, but
5:37
Speaker 1: I do have new tires. Um, so I'm hoping it's
5:44
Speaker 1: all going to be okay. And I'm hoping the duct
5:45
Speaker 1: tape is going to hold my undergarage together. I'm praying.
5:51
Speaker 1: I have faith. I have faith. I don't know. Do
5:55
Speaker 1: I have faith? This is like one of those instances
5:56
Speaker 1: where it's like, I have faith. My friend, my freaking
5:59
Speaker 1: friend was being a paranoia agent last night. Oh my God.
6:02
Speaker 1: She's a fucker. My friend was like, well, you know,
6:05
Speaker 1: like all sorts of bad things could happen. They're like
6:07
Speaker 1: listing off every bad thing that could go wrong with
6:10
Speaker 1: my car. I'm like, well, maybe we should like pray
6:14
Speaker 1: on it. I prayed on it this morning. We did
6:18
Speaker 1: not pray on it. I feel weird. I feel weird
6:22
Speaker 1: forcing people to pray. I tried it once and it
6:25
Speaker 1: didn't go over so well. Which I think I maybe
6:28
Speaker 1: just need to pray, like, with people that I know are, like,
6:32
Speaker 1: down with prayer. And this person, listen, they believe in God.
6:40
Speaker 1: I asked them, I said, do you believe in God?
6:41
Speaker 1: They were like, yeah. And I was like, so we
6:46
Speaker 1: were talking about, like, what does it mean to be
6:47
Speaker 1: a Christian? And I liked their answer. They were like,
6:51
Speaker 1: to follow Christ. to live like christ that's what they
6:56
Speaker 1: said to live like christ i said yeah yeah yeah
6:59
Speaker 1: i was like good that's that's a good answer and
7:03
Speaker 1: they were like what they were like what could what
7:06
Speaker 1: what could even be the other answer and i was
7:08
Speaker 1: like i don't know i feel like sometimes people are
7:10
Speaker 1: not doing it so right like sometimes people are using
7:14
Speaker 1: like some people aren't forgiving they aren't doing the forgiveness
7:18
Speaker 1: thing they're getting angry at the wrong people and i've
7:23
Speaker 1: probably done it listen I'm not a perfect person. I've never.
7:30
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever claimed this. I don't think
7:34
Speaker 1: I've ever. I don't think I've ever claimed this. That
7:36
Speaker 1: I'm the perfect person. I think I'm like extremely flawed.
7:47
Speaker 1: And I've always. I've always sort of had the mentality that.
7:56
Speaker 1: well maybe not always but for the most part like
7:59
Speaker 1: I would say like 90% of the time at least
8:01
Speaker 1: like I'm pretty sure things are gonna work out okay
8:06
Speaker 1: and like see I would call that like believing in
8:08
Speaker 1: a higher power and not okay so some other things
8:13
Speaker 1: that me and my friend talked about last night we
8:14
Speaker 1: were like because you know my mom said the thing
8:18
Speaker 1: where I pointed out the journal at the freaking craft
8:22
Speaker 1: store checkout I was like because it said wisdom is
8:25
Speaker 1: the fear of God And I was like what does
8:31
Speaker 1: this mean mom. And my mom was like. This is stupid.
8:36
Speaker 1: You shouldn't fear God. And I've always held that with me.
8:42
Speaker 1: And so I asked my friend. I was like do
8:44
Speaker 1: you think you fear God. And he thought about it
8:48
Speaker 1: for a while. And he was like. He said no.
8:54
Speaker 1: I don't fear God. I fear hell. And I thought
8:58
Speaker 1: that was fair enough. And I was sort of telling him,
9:08
Speaker 1: I'm going to try to make this relate. I was
9:13
Speaker 1: telling him, like, I'm trying to remember the first story. Oh,
9:24
Speaker 1: I was saying, like, I was talking about times where
9:28
Speaker 1: I've had, like, a single drink of alcohol. And someone's, like,
9:33
Speaker 1: telling me I'm drunk. And how historically at least, and
9:39
Speaker 1: this was a long, I don't know, whatever. Historically, I wouldn't,
9:45
Speaker 1: maybe it would be different now. I would hope I
9:47
Speaker 1: just wouldn't be in the room with people that do this.
9:51
Speaker 1: But it's like I have a single drink and they're
9:53
Speaker 1: like telling me I'm drunk. and so I was saying,
10:02
Speaker 1: I was like, this really, historically, this has made me worse,
10:06
Speaker 1: it had made, it has made me drunk, like, it
10:08
Speaker 1: has made me want to drink even more, and, right, like,
10:13
Speaker 1: the codependent, you know, the freaking woke culture is gonna say, well, people,
10:18
Speaker 1: you know, people don't affect you're in control of yourself
10:21
Speaker 1: and other people don't like make you do anything but
10:27
Speaker 1: i'm just saying there's a cause and effect here where
10:29
Speaker 1: like if you're telling me i'm drunk and you're like
10:32
Speaker 1: acting like i'm drunker than i am because you witness
10:35
Speaker 1: me drink a single drink and you're like extremely judgmental
10:38
Speaker 1: towards people who even have a single drink it's like
10:41
Speaker 1: i weighed like 200 pounds and like i'm just saying
10:45
Speaker 1: the math on this is that it's gonna take more
10:48
Speaker 1: than one It's simply going to take more than one. And...
10:53
Speaker 1: Shut up. And get out of my face. And, like,
10:56
Speaker 1: why are you... It makes me mad. And so I
11:01
Speaker 1: was saying, I was saying, like, historically, like... The lack
11:09
Speaker 1: of trust that someone has in me. Like, if someone
11:12
Speaker 1: thinks that I don't know how to handle my drinking...
11:17
Speaker 1: It's like if you are in a state of disbelief
11:19
Speaker 1: that I can control myself when drinking, then I have
11:23
Speaker 1: nothing to lose. You don't trust me. So, yeah, I'm
11:32
Speaker 1: going to fulfill your prophecy that you just gave, okay?
11:37
Speaker 1: I'm going to fulfill the prophecy out of spite. Is
11:42
Speaker 1: it good? Maybe not. And then I was giving the example.
11:46
Speaker 1: I was like, and you know, like in the past
11:47
Speaker 1: when guys accused me of cheating before I ever cheated,
11:52
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, I'm going to cheat because I have
11:54
Speaker 1: nothing to lose. It's like, you don't trust me. If
11:56
Speaker 1: you don't trust me, then what is there to lose?
12:00
Speaker 1: And I think this relates somehow to like people's relationship
12:03
Speaker 1: with God where like, if you think God is here
12:07
Speaker 1: to punish you, then God has nothing to lose. If
12:13
Speaker 1: you think the universe is conspiring against you, then the
12:15
Speaker 1: universe has nothing to lose and the universe is going
12:17
Speaker 1: to conspire against you. And maybe the universe or God
12:21
Speaker 1: doesn't like have feelings like this, but I would venture
12:24
Speaker 1: to guess that they do. And like people can say
12:27
Speaker 1: I'm delusional. That's totally fine. I think that the universe
12:35
Speaker 1: or the forces or the God, whatever, they're conspiring in
12:39
Speaker 1: my favor. Stuff is making a lot of sense. Stuff
12:44
Speaker 1: is extremely synchronous. Like, extremely. To the max. And, you know... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... I'm, like,
13:04
Speaker 1: trying to... I'm trying to crochet, and I do have
13:07
Speaker 1: to count, or else this is gonna be, like, really wonky.
13:11
Speaker 1: it's really hard to count and talk. Okay. There's gotta
13:14
Speaker 1: be a way. Hold on. There's gotta be a way
13:15
Speaker 1: to visually recognize this pattern. Hold on. Let's take a
13:19
Speaker 1: look at what we have here. Okay. Okay. So, okay. Yeah. Yeah.
13:33
Speaker 1: Got it. Got it. I know, I know how to
13:35
Speaker 1: do it. Right now I got like basically like a
13:40
Speaker 1: yarmulke I think that's what it's called, but it's going
13:44
Speaker 1: to be something else very soon. I'm just winging it.
13:52
Speaker 1: I don't even have a pattern. I think I, I
13:53
Speaker 1: think I just know how to do this. I've done
13:55
Speaker 1: it so many freaking times. Um, see now I'm like
14:02
Speaker 1: trying to count. Now my brain's like trying to count.
14:04
Speaker 1: This is what I hated about when I was learning
14:05
Speaker 1: to crochet is I was like, I was just like,
14:08
Speaker 1: cause I got in such a habit of just counting.
14:11
Speaker 1: all the time because it was like my main thing
14:13
Speaker 1: I was doing when I was crocheting for the first
14:15
Speaker 1: time and and then it was like even when I
14:17
Speaker 1: wasn't crocheting my brain was just counting it was just
14:21
Speaker 1: counting forever and I was like oh boy oh boy
14:30
Speaker 1: like I was just getting sick of it I'd be
14:32
Speaker 1: at work and my brain would just be like counting
14:34
Speaker 1: like I'm like, I'm like just cutting, I'm just cutting
14:39
Speaker 1: like lettuce for the one millionth time at work. And
14:45
Speaker 1: my brain is just counting to like 60. It's like,
14:50
Speaker 1: oh my God, it was actually driving me crazy. It
14:52
Speaker 1: was actually making me like kooky for cuckoo puffs. And
14:58
Speaker 1: so I don't know. I don't think that the way,
15:01
Speaker 1: I don't think my, like, I don't think I've ever
15:03
Speaker 1: told this to someone where I'm like oh when people
15:06
Speaker 1: don't believe me then I have nothing to lose and
15:08
Speaker 1: I just do it anyways because like they're but the
15:11
Speaker 1: thing is is that's what they're doing they're forecasting it
15:13
Speaker 1: they're forecasting my future weather they're telling me how this
15:16
Speaker 1: is going to turn out and it's like it makes
15:19
Speaker 1: me really upset when someone's like telling and when there's
15:22
Speaker 1: someone's forecasting something negative like can we can we keep
15:26
Speaker 1: the faith can we do it can anybody like Believe
15:31
Speaker 1: that positive things are possible. And also not only are
15:33
Speaker 1: they possible. But they're gonna freaking happen. And I understand
15:37
Speaker 1: like toxic optimism. And I'm not saying like a lie
15:40
Speaker 1: about what the situation is. I'm just saying like. Keep.
15:47
Speaker 1: Positive forecasts in mind. Like kind of at the forefront.
15:53
Speaker 1: And the forecast that's positive could even just be. It's
15:57
Speaker 1: gonna be okay. Okay. It's going to be okay. It
16:02
Speaker 1: doesn't even have to be good. I'm not even rooting
16:05
Speaker 1: for good. I mean, good would be nice, but like, okay,
16:10
Speaker 1: it's going to be okay. You know, like I just
16:15
Speaker 1: went through a breakup and like everyone I've talked to
16:19
Speaker 1: is like, I think it's going to be okay. And
16:23
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. You're literally right.
16:29
Speaker 1: It is going to be okay. I've always felt this way. And,
16:33
Speaker 1: you know, the haters, the haters will say, you should
16:36
Speaker 1: grieve more. It's like, no, I knew this was going south.
16:41
Speaker 1: I knew that this was going south a long time ago.
16:44
Speaker 1: I was telling, I was telling my other friend. I
16:50
Speaker 1: was so glad they texted me today. And so I called,
16:53
Speaker 1: I was crocheting. I was just like waiting. I was
16:56
Speaker 1: just like waiting for something to happen. And my friend
16:59
Speaker 1: texted me something a little, like, emotional, and I was like, okay,
17:02
Speaker 1: this seems like something I can, something I want to
17:05
Speaker 1: be a part of. And... I don't remember where I
17:17
Speaker 1: was going with that. She's making a lot of lists.
17:28
Speaker 1: She's making a lot of lists and she's trying to
17:29
Speaker 1: like bring order into her life and routine. And I
17:35
Speaker 1: see the benefit in this. And so that's sort of
17:38
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to do here with this crochet where
17:40
Speaker 1: it's like I don't necessarily have anything going on. So
17:42
Speaker 1: I'm kind of just trying to keep my hands busy. And,
17:46
Speaker 1: you know, enough people have said to me at this point,
17:49
Speaker 1: they're like, you're a really good crocheter. You should crochet more.
17:54
Speaker 1: And you should like sell it. And I actually probably should, like,
17:58
Speaker 1: maybe get on my laptop and see what I can
17:59
Speaker 1: do about, like, an Etsy shop or something. I got
18:05
Speaker 1: a friend who was like, I tried to make an
18:07
Speaker 1: Etsy shop and I couldn't figure it out. But this
18:09
Speaker 1: was the same friend who couldn't figure out how to
18:10
Speaker 1: get a passport. So I was like, girl, I'm pretty
18:14
Speaker 1: sure it can't be that hard. Like, I love you
18:17
Speaker 1: so much, but... But then part of me is like,
18:20
Speaker 1: I kind of just want to do it word of mouth. Like...
18:25
Speaker 1: What kind of drama is going to come with having
18:26
Speaker 1: an Etsy shop? And maybe none. Especially because I got,
18:31
Speaker 1: you know, I got my homies at various post offices.
18:39
Speaker 1: And also, you don't even have to go in, I
18:41
Speaker 1: don't think. You know, I once mailed a letter that
18:47
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure never made it. I'm not sure. They
18:51
Speaker 1: might have confiscated it. I don't know. It was a
18:53
Speaker 1: kooky letter. I was like, in a really kooky state
18:57
Speaker 1: of my life. If y'all think this shit is kooky,
18:59
Speaker 1: you should just know that it gets kookier. It really does.
19:05
Speaker 1: This is actually quite nice. I'm, like, just on, like,
19:07
Speaker 1: a porch. The wind is, like... It's, like, perfect. Well, no. Honestly,
19:15
Speaker 1: if it was, like, two or three degrees cooler, I
19:18
Speaker 1: think it would be perfect. But it's pretty comfortable. Like,
19:21
Speaker 1: I'm not cold. I thought it was gonna be cold.
19:22
Speaker 1: I put on my jacket, but I had to take
19:23
Speaker 1: it off. I'm wearing just like a little tiny dress. Anyways,
19:42
Speaker 1: the one I tried to give grace to my friend today.
19:50
Speaker 1: You know I was telling her. And I really meant this.
19:51
Speaker 1: I was like. Like the things I love about myself.
19:54
Speaker 1: I feel like I got from you. Like the things
19:58
Speaker 1: I love most about myself. I feel like I got
20:01
Speaker 1: from just watching you. And not even like she was
20:07
Speaker 1: trying to like. She wasn't trying to order me around.
20:11
Speaker 1: I just watched her. I mean, we lived together. And
20:17
Speaker 1: I really appreciated her influence a lot. She was much
20:25
Speaker 1: slower than me. Like, she moved slower. And I was
20:31
Speaker 1: just like a freaking tornado. I was truly just like
20:33
Speaker 1: a tornado in the house. And she was a different
20:37
Speaker 1: kind of tornado. She was just like a slower tornado.
20:43
Speaker 1: And we were quite chaotic, but I really appreciated her pace.
20:50
Speaker 1: You know? Like, I think at first it bothered me extremely.
20:55
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, my gosh. This person's in the way.
20:58
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm trying to go fast. But then
21:01
Speaker 1: eventually I realized, I was like, why am I trying
21:03
Speaker 1: to go so fast? Like, I'm literally at home. Like,
21:05
Speaker 1: I'm literally just trying to, like, make dinner. And I
21:07
Speaker 1: was like, why am I, like, doing this, like, competitively? Like,
21:12
Speaker 1: holy crap. And yeah, it just reminds me like. My
21:49
Speaker 1: other friend, I carry this with me because I feel
21:51
Speaker 1: like I always like. I often will send texts to
21:55
Speaker 1: people if I see something that reminds them. me of
21:58
Speaker 1: them I'll just like send a picture I'll be like
22:01
Speaker 1: thinking of you this reminds me of you people don't
22:08
Speaker 1: always respond but another one of my close friends told
22:10
Speaker 1: me because I text her all the time I'm like
22:14
Speaker 1: this reminds me of you I'm thinking of you and
22:17
Speaker 1: she was like she's like I really believe you when
22:20
Speaker 1: you say that which was kind of just I mean
22:24
Speaker 1: it's a very simple thing just I believe you But, yeah, it's, like,
22:28
Speaker 1: I do be sending it, like, way too often, to
22:31
Speaker 1: be honest. And... I wouldn't say too often. I send it...
22:38
Speaker 1: I just send it very often to, like, various people.
22:41
Speaker 1: Because things just remind me of them. And... But it's, like,
22:52
Speaker 1: good to know that I have someone that's, like, definitely
22:56
Speaker 1: always believing me. And part of me was like, is this, like,
23:00
Speaker 1: a back-sided compliment or whatever you call this? A back-handed compliment? Like,
23:06
Speaker 1: does she think I'm, like, just, like, obsessed with her?
23:08
Speaker 1: Which I kind of am, to be honest. I kind
23:11
Speaker 1: of am. I'm literally obsessed with my girlfriend. Like, what
23:14
Speaker 1: the heck? Of course. Of course I am. And I
23:19
Speaker 1: am reading into what you say. And I am low-key
23:22
Speaker 1: playing it on a loop in my head. But that's
23:23
Speaker 1: because I love you. And I, like, value you. And
23:28
Speaker 1: you can pathologize it if you want, but... Kind of weird.
23:34
Speaker 1: And yeah, I've definitely had people in my life who
23:37
Speaker 1: I played their shit on aloof in my head and...
23:39
Speaker 1: It wasn't really helpful. And it actively made my mental state, like, quite... Different.
23:55
Speaker 1: I don't want to say chaotic. I don't really mind chaos...
24:01
Speaker 1: It made my mental state like stagnant. And this is
24:11
Speaker 1: what I was saying. This is what I was saying.
24:13
Speaker 1: I was talking about like, oh, I did one last
24:17
Speaker 1: try of like reconciling with this person. Just one last try.
24:21
Speaker 1: I don't know. It just came to me. It came
24:23
Speaker 1: to me and I was like, one last try. And
24:26
Speaker 1: I was like, but they were just too militant. Like
24:30
Speaker 1: they're very. They're like the cops. They're literally like the cops.
24:35
Speaker 1: And this is like an ACAB kind of person. And
24:38
Speaker 1: I think that's the problem. It's like. It's not that simple.
24:44
Speaker 1: It's really not that simple. Cops are good. We kind
24:48
Speaker 1: of need them. And now should we be like. Having
24:52
Speaker 1: a police state. Probably not. I'm not really rocking with that. But. Like.
25:01
Speaker 1: first responders are quite important i would say they do
25:07
Speaker 1: extremely meaningful work and they do work that's like pretty
25:11
Speaker 1: hard and you gotta kind of train for a long
25:14
Speaker 1: time and like don't get me wrong i think police
25:16
Speaker 1: probably train for the least amount of time i heard
25:19
Speaker 1: once i actually don't know if this is true but
25:20
Speaker 1: i heard that like cosmetologists like hairstylists actually go to
25:24
Speaker 1: school for longer than police like to do their job
25:28
Speaker 1: and that may or may not be true i'm not
25:30
Speaker 1: sure but still it's like I don't know police are
25:38
Speaker 1: pretty helpful sometimes and yeah some cops are like pretty
25:46
Speaker 1: bad some cops are like really racially discriminatory and stuff
25:53
Speaker 1: and that's really deeply unfortunate and there's levels to it
25:56
Speaker 1: I mean there's levels of standards for it is my
25:59
Speaker 1: understanding Like in my city. My main city where I
26:05
Speaker 1: was like born. I'm pretty sure like. It's really hard
26:10
Speaker 1: to arrest someone. It's like extremely hard. To arrest someone.
26:21
Speaker 1: Because of like the standards in place. And yeah. In
26:24
Speaker 1: other places it's maybe less hard. But so it's like
26:29
Speaker 1: this person. I know it's like. You know. Probably, like,
26:38
Speaker 1: hates the police. And they're just, like, being extremely militant
26:44
Speaker 1: with me. And I'm just, like, I don't. Like, and it's, like,
26:49
Speaker 1: I see what you're saying. And I see how this is, like,
26:52
Speaker 1: rooted in, like, this whole, like, self-help kind of psychology
26:58
Speaker 1: generation of, like. trying to make yourself perfect right trying
27:05
Speaker 1: to be the perfect person but it's like I've heard
27:07
Speaker 1: this person apologize and don't get me wrong I played
27:10
Speaker 1: my own fault in it where I I kept a
27:13
Speaker 1: lot in for a long time and then I sort
27:15
Speaker 1: of let it all out at once and it was
27:20
Speaker 1: like it was a list I gave her a list
27:24
Speaker 1: and she went through my list and she yada yada'd
27:30
Speaker 1: a lot of the things I wrote Where she was
27:32
Speaker 1: just like skimming it. Which is like fine. I just
27:38
Speaker 1: didn't understand. And then she was just like saying. In
27:41
Speaker 1: like a very robotic monotone kind of voice. Like. I'm
27:44
Speaker 1: sorry I did that. But then she was also like confessing.
27:48
Speaker 1: She was like I might do it again. Call me
27:50
Speaker 1: out next time. And I was just like. This is not.
27:57
Speaker 1: This is not for me. That's all. You know. it's
28:03
Speaker 1: not like I wanted to make her cry, but, like,
28:07
Speaker 1: an amount of emotion, I think, would have, like, helped
28:09
Speaker 1: me believe, or is it even a matter of belief?
28:16
Speaker 1: It would have helped me, like, feel like she had
28:19
Speaker 1: any kind of remorse whatsoever, and she probably did have remorse.
28:23
Speaker 1: I'm not exactly doubting that. I think I'm just, like,
28:29
Speaker 1: And then now she's coming at me with, like, militant
28:31
Speaker 1: kind of standards for, like, what accountability is. And it's like,
28:35
Speaker 1: I know what accountability is. And you thought accountability was, like,
28:39
Speaker 1: going through my list and just, like, saying the word sorry. Like, and, like,
28:45
Speaker 1: not even, like, yada yada-ing the list. And, yeah. I
28:51
Speaker 1: was just like, if this is accountability, I don't want it.
28:55
Speaker 1: I literally don't even want it. Like, I don't know.
29:04
Speaker 1: It's like, what, is it the Constitution? The more perfect union.
29:12
Speaker 1: We hold these secrets to be self-evident. I don't know,
29:15
Speaker 1: but we're not working towards a perfect union. It's never
29:17
Speaker 1: going to happen. It's, like, ridiculous. They said, you know,
29:21
Speaker 1: we're taking steps towards a more perfect union. So, I
29:28
Speaker 1: think just the whole being super strict... being I mean
29:35
Speaker 1: I think dogmatic might be a good word here where
29:37
Speaker 1: it's just like you know I forgive her I forgive
29:45
Speaker 1: her and you know my friend said there's a difference
29:48
Speaker 1: between forgiveness and reconciliation forgiveness you do for you and
29:54
Speaker 1: reconciliation is I think optional Yeah, it has to be optional.
30:05
Speaker 1: It has to be because this is, I've been, I've
30:11
Speaker 1: punished myself enough. I've punished myself enough. You know, I
30:14
Speaker 1: felt shame. I literally felt the shame and remorse of,
30:18
Speaker 1: you know, keeping things in for too long. You know,
30:29
Speaker 1: and I think with my most recent breakup, it's like,
30:34
Speaker 1: there was a point where he cried and and then
30:38
Speaker 1: i understood and and he he was mad at me
30:41
Speaker 1: because he was like why did i have to cry
30:43
Speaker 1: for you to hear me and i was like well
30:45
Speaker 1: and i didn't say this but i was i've been
30:48
Speaker 1: thinking on it because like part of me was like
30:51
Speaker 1: damn am i a bad person because i had to
30:53
Speaker 1: make him cry before i could hear him but it's
30:55
Speaker 1: like i think it before it was like i was
31:02
Speaker 1: being swatted away like a fly You know, and so
31:06
Speaker 1: I felt like the nuisance over and over and over.
31:13
Speaker 1: And I think with the tears, I understood that it
31:25
Speaker 1: wasn't about me. It was about the feeling that I
31:29
Speaker 1: was evoking for him, where I thought I was just like,
31:34
Speaker 1: I thought I was, like, an annoying bug that was
31:36
Speaker 1: bothering him. But I think I was actually hurting him. Because... Okay,
31:44
Speaker 1: I was about to make an excuse. I don't want
31:47
Speaker 1: to make an excuse. I don't think I understood the
31:51
Speaker 1: gravity of this, like, single action. Like... I saw it as, like, a... Pestilence, maybe? Like,
32:12
Speaker 1: I was being pest-like. As opposed to, like, I was
32:15
Speaker 1: actually hurting him. Because, like, bugs bother me and I don't...
32:23
Speaker 1: It doesn't hurt me when a bug is crawling on me.
32:27
Speaker 1: It just kind of bothers me a little. And I
32:31
Speaker 1: think that's very different than... What I came to understand...
32:39
Speaker 1: And ultimately it was like he felt like he wasn't
32:41
Speaker 1: being heard. And yeah, I think he just... Hmm. Yeah,
32:58
Speaker 1: I think he felt like he wasn't being heard. Sort
33:07
Speaker 1: of in a way like I wasn't following a command.
33:12
Speaker 1: I wasn't following the rules of like what is the
33:14
Speaker 1: proper process to go about a certain kind of thing. And,
33:33
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's pretty tricky. Like, I see where
33:35
Speaker 1: he's coming from, and also... Why is it entirely up
33:49
Speaker 1: to me to, like, do it perfect? Like, I think
33:53
Speaker 1: the whole rules of, like, how do you do this perfect? Like,
33:57
Speaker 1: I have to execute this process perfectly. Or else... I'm
34:02
Speaker 1: hurting him. So this is just sort of like a
34:07
Speaker 1: rigidity thing. And I think rigidity. Going forward. I think
34:10
Speaker 1: this is like a major. Unalignment. And I've been. I've
34:18
Speaker 1: known this for a long time. People who are like
34:20
Speaker 1: super militant. It's just not really working for me. And
34:23
Speaker 1: you know it's funny. Because my cousin. Used to be
34:30
Speaker 1: involved with. spiritual endeavors I would say and used to
34:39
Speaker 1: my understanding is used to kind of make money doing
34:41
Speaker 1: spiritual things like offering people guidance through spiritual or magical
34:52
Speaker 1: processes or you know maybe it's not a I don't
34:57
Speaker 1: know like black magic basically Is what some people would
35:03
Speaker 1: call it. I think it depends how you look at it.
35:06
Speaker 1: And I've. Listen. I had a stint. I've done some
35:11
Speaker 1: of this. I undid it. I undid it. And I
35:17
Speaker 1: did a lot of research. When I went to undo it.
35:19
Speaker 1: I did a lot more research. And I did the meditations.
35:23
Speaker 1: And I did. And I was very careful. Because I
35:27
Speaker 1: really believed in it. Because I saw that it kind
35:29
Speaker 1: of low key worked. The first time. and I was
35:33
Speaker 1: like oh boy what have I done here so I
35:37
Speaker 1: tried to undo it and undo it and I tried
35:46
Speaker 1: to undo it and you just wouldn't believe you wouldn't
35:49
Speaker 1: freaking believe somebody's gonna believe somebody's gonna believe but I
35:53
Speaker 1: undid it and it involved the shattering of some glass
35:58
Speaker 1: some glass shattered and I heard like a male, a
36:03
Speaker 1: man's voice just, like, scream, like, no! And I'm just instantly, like, shaking.
36:14
Speaker 1: You know, I've been, like, meditating. Because essentially it's, like,
36:18
Speaker 1: it sort of just involves a candle and essentially I
36:22
Speaker 1: was just meditating for hours. Like, focusing on undoing what
36:29
Speaker 1: I had done before. And like kind of just visualizing it.
36:37
Speaker 1: And I was trying to do it right. And then
36:39
Speaker 1: I just the glass shattered. And I heard a man
36:42
Speaker 1: scream no. So yeah I probably will not be doing
36:49
Speaker 1: that stuff again. It was really scary. I'm like trembling.
36:52
Speaker 1: I'm genuinely like trembling. I'm like on the meditation cushion trembling.
36:58
Speaker 1: And then I had to like walk out to my roommate.
37:00
Speaker 1: And be like. Because I had told them, I was like, listen,
37:03
Speaker 1: I need to focus for a little bit. I was like,
37:04
Speaker 1: I don't know how long this is going to take.
37:06
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm shutting the door. Do not bother me.
37:07
Speaker 1: And so they didn't. And then I had to kind
37:15
Speaker 1: of walk out after this experience. I'm like, I don't
37:17
Speaker 1: think they're going to believe me. So I sort of
37:21
Speaker 1: just kept it in. Maybe, I think I told him
37:25
Speaker 1: some things. I think I told him like very loosely
37:29
Speaker 1: kind of what happened. And I've come around to understand
37:37
Speaker 1: what the know is about. Because I think I found
37:44
Speaker 1: a church that's, I think, quite aligned with me. And
37:52
Speaker 1: then since then... I've sort of witnessed the undoing. More
38:09
Speaker 1: drawn out. Like with a slower pace. And like involving.
38:13
Speaker 1: Just being in nature. And interacting with people. And also
38:18
Speaker 1: interacting with technology. Also. Like I don't. I don't think
38:25
Speaker 1: technology is like removed from. God's. plan or god's like
38:32
Speaker 1: influence and call god whatever you like you know it's
38:37
Speaker 1: this is how i was raised to call this thing
38:40
Speaker 1: or this um this is how i was raised to
38:45
Speaker 1: call it and so my cousin you know my cousin
38:52
Speaker 1: used to do kind of witchcraft black magic whatever as
38:56
Speaker 1: well and went, my understanding is she went to some
39:00
Speaker 1: kind of camp situation, and they, they burned their, like,
39:07
Speaker 1: witchcraft books and stuff, and they became together as a unit.
39:17
Speaker 1: I think they, like, explored a lot of, it was, like,
39:19
Speaker 1: a bunch of women together camping, and, you know, the
39:22
Speaker 1: burning of books, it's a little questionable to me. I
39:26
Speaker 1: think you know, I got an, got another person who's
39:31
Speaker 1: a librarian and you know this person I don't think
39:36
Speaker 1: would advocate for the burning of books and in fact
39:45
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure I don't know where they stand now
39:48
Speaker 1: I would have to talk to them but My understanding is...
39:54
Speaker 1: You know? This is... This is like a means of oppression.
39:59
Speaker 1: The burning of books. And I obviously don't judge my
40:01
Speaker 1: cousin whatsoever. I think if... That's... What they were called to...
40:07
Speaker 1: Then that's what they were called to. And... And she
40:14
Speaker 1: was telling me... She was like... You know, my dad... Because...
40:16
Speaker 1: It got my attention. It really did get my attention...
40:19
Speaker 1: Because she was posting, like, videos on Facebook or whatever. Like,
40:24
Speaker 1: kind of... Speaking like a drill sergeant at the camera.
40:30
Speaker 1: And she's beautiful. I mean, she's, like, just... She's absolutely beautiful.
40:35
Speaker 1: And she's, like, looking kind of mean and, like, screaming
40:37
Speaker 1: at the camera. And, like, talking about God. And I...
40:42
Speaker 1: I've seen her aesthetic. And it's... I mean, it's giving
40:45
Speaker 1: God in a kind of way. Yeah. But it's not, like,
40:50
Speaker 1: stereotypical Christian. Because when I think of, like, a stereotypical Christian,
40:53
Speaker 1: I think of, like, the clean girl. Like, we only
40:55
Speaker 1: wear neutrals kind of girls. And... And to each their own,
41:03
Speaker 1: I think. Like, technically... Well, no, I have different colors
41:06
Speaker 1: on right now. But I'm wearing, like, white. I'm wearing, like,
41:08
Speaker 1: white and cream. And I got a green bra. Yeah,
41:15
Speaker 1: I don't know. So... it was shocking to me because
41:19
Speaker 1: I had seen what she was posting before and it
41:22
Speaker 1: was giving like elf fairy core kind of vibes. And,
41:31
Speaker 1: and then she's like speaking very militantly to, to the camera,
41:35
Speaker 1: AKA me. And she's like, talking about, talking about, you know, Christian,
41:44
Speaker 1: Christian missionary kind of ideas. And I was like, okay,
41:48
Speaker 1: this is interesting. Took me a while to reach out. Honestly,
41:51
Speaker 1: I was like, I might let this cool off a bit.
41:54
Speaker 1: And then eventually I did reach out. I was like,
41:56
Speaker 1: what's going on, girl? And she was telling me, she
41:59
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, my dad was saying how, like, I'm
42:02
Speaker 1: not going to convert anybody to Christianity with this kind of, like,
42:04
Speaker 1: militant style. It's like, it's kind of scary. And I
42:17
Speaker 1: was like, I don't know what I said to her,
42:20
Speaker 1: but I was thinking in my head. I was like, yeah.
42:23
Speaker 1: I see where he's coming from. For sure. It was
42:27
Speaker 1: a little scary. But it did get my attention. It
42:31
Speaker 1: did catch my attention. And I was watching it. I
42:36
Speaker 1: was like, okay. I was showing people. I was literally
42:39
Speaker 1: sending it to people. I was like, this is my cousin.
42:44
Speaker 1: Would anybody believe this is my cousin? Um, she used
42:52
Speaker 1: to make music. She used to literally make, like, music.
43:00
Speaker 1: And me and my sister used to just, like, die.
43:02
Speaker 1: We used to, like, just die laughing. There was this
43:05
Speaker 1: one song. I don't want to dox her. I don't
43:08
Speaker 1: want to dox her. But there was this one song.
43:13
Speaker 1: It was so dirty. It was, like, so dirty. And
43:16
Speaker 1: then it's, like, you know, now she's spreading the gospel. And,
43:23
Speaker 1: you know, her freaking grandma freaking smacked her once at, like, Christmas.
43:30
Speaker 1: Because she was vaping indoors. Her freaking grandma freaking smacked her.
43:35
Speaker 1: And me and my siblings were just, like, stunned. We
43:39
Speaker 1: were like, what is happening here? What is happening? She
43:44
Speaker 1: just smacked her for vaping. You know, I get it
43:51
Speaker 1: in a way. Jesus wasn't a... You taught me that.
44:02
Speaker 1: Love thy neighbor. Give the shirt off your back. Jesus
44:08
Speaker 1: wasn't a... Oh, he'd raise hell, of course. So, that's
44:22
Speaker 1: my story. I don't know if my friend, I don't
44:25
Speaker 1: know where my friend is. I hope he's gonna, like,
44:29
Speaker 1: freaking show up eventually. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What's the
44:37
Speaker 1: group chat saying? I'm formally invited to a shopping night
44:43
Speaker 1: at Lululemon. Okay. Okay, okay. Scary. Someone said, someone said, OMG,
44:55
Speaker 1: this is what I needed to hear. Okay, okay. It
45:02
Speaker 1: might be fun. Wait, when is it? Am I even
45:05
Speaker 1: going to be in town? Probably not. I feel like
45:12
Speaker 1: Lululemon doesn't fit me right anyways. I feel like it's
45:15
Speaker 1: designed for a different kind of body than I got.
45:17
Speaker 1: If I'm just being honest. I'm sort of built like
45:22
Speaker 1: a freaking power lifter. And a chungus. Anyways, bye!