Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #552 Refilling Our Kid's Joy Tanks Part 2

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#552 Refilling Our Kid's Joy Tanks Part 2 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Now, there's something remarkable that happens when our kids go
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: come through it's too hard. They winesday wine. They don't
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: want to do something, but it's hard and it's a
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: genuine accomplishment, and then once they've done it, they're kind
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: of like, yeah, I did it, And.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Now here's the stars of our show, my mom and dad.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, Kylie. It's a Monday, and for our neighbors in
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: the Southern States, New South Wales, Victoria school is back
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: day one. Well actually people three days all around the
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: place for a lot of people, but the school goes
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  Speaker 1: back this week for everyone who wasn't already back at school,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: I think, how are you feeling ready for it? Week two?
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: I'm so ready for it.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: You just want the kids out of that house. Hey,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I had an experience on the weekend that I just
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: want to share. It's not I'll do better tomorrow or
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: anything like that, but laying on the grass. So we've
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: mentioned on the podcast before the house that we've bought
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: flat block of land first time pretty much in our
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: entire lives. I think the first house we ever owned,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: like twenty years ago, twenty two years ago, was a
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: house on a flat block. But this is the first
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  Speaker 1: time in twenty years that we've had a flat block.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm laying on the grass enjoying the sunshine, because
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  Speaker 1: why wouldn't you do that on the weekend? It was
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: just beautiful. And there's that thing that happens when parents
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: sit or lie down. It doesn't matter whether it's inside
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: or outside. Did you see what happened?
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: I noticed a whole heap of noise, and I wondered
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: what was going on, and I found a jumble of
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: arms and legs that's on the front lawn. When I
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: walked out the front door.
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  Speaker 1: They found me. I'm laying on the grass, catching up
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: on all the Tour de France news, catching up on
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: what's happening in the cycling and the kids. They just
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: thought this is our opportunity because dad is pretty much
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: not doing anything. They found me outside on the grass,
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: jumped on me. We had a wrestle. We were talking
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: on I don't know one day last week Thursday last
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: week about refilling our kids joy tanks, and we got
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: so caught up talking about making sure that we're finding
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: flow and tapping into their sources of joy and connecting.
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  Speaker 1: I had five other things that I was supposed to
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: talk about for finding helping to refeel like kids joy tanks,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: but we talked too long. So we found some joy
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: on the weekend in the most mundane and simple connection
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: and wrestling and outdoor play. It was just beautiful. It
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: was so much fun. And now we need to continue
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: the conversation.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I'm interested to know what's on your list
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  Speaker 2: because I have I have a couple of my own, but.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Really I wonder if they're the same as what's on
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: my list, So tell me so. The number three item
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: on my list, number one for today, but obviously we
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: had to last week is play play play play play
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: as a way to refeel like kids joy tanks. I mean,
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: we had kids that were miserable. They were winging and
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: whining and sooking. But once they had the opportunity to
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: just jump on me, which they took. They I didn't
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: invite them to do it. I actually wasn't very happy
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: about it, but I joined the fun. It was great.
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  Speaker 1: It was just beautiful to play fun.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: You should say that because one of the girls over
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: the holidays, got to have a sleepover with some new friends. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and she was really a little bit nervous about it.
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  Speaker 1: Didn't want to do it, winging mining do I have
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: to do? This is going to be horrible. What if
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: they don't show up? What if they're not nice?
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  Speaker 2: And she came home and we asked her how things
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: had gone, and she said, well, it was pretty awkward
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: in the beginning.
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  Speaker 1: And she complained about it for like ten minutes, and
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  Speaker 1: it was like I didn't enjoy myself. That was the
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: message I was getting loud and clear.
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  Speaker 2: And then she said, have you seen that taco slap?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, like this Instagram and the TikTok tortilla slap, and I.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: Have seen it. You hadn't seen it, so you didn't
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: know what was going on. But these four girls, for
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: all intents and purposes, are new friends in the equation
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  Speaker 2: and they've decided to have a go, and so can I.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: I'll explain the tortilla slap for those who were uninitiated
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  Speaker 1: and are not TikTokers. You basically get a tortilla like
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: from out of the I don't know, a plastic pack.
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  Speaker 1: You pick up the tortilla and your hold on one tortilla,
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  Speaker 1: not the whole pack. And then you hold it. You're
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: not allowed to fold it up or wrap it up.
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  Speaker 1: You just hold it sort of flat on the edge.
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  Speaker 2: And everybody has a mouth of water.
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  Speaker 1: You've got a mouthful of water. You're not allowed to
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  Speaker 1: squirt any water, but you slap each other across the
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  Speaker 1: face with these tortillas.
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  Speaker 2: Whoever thinks these things up Anyway, the whole reason I'm
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: telling you this story is because he was this kid
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  Speaker 2: who was really really nervous about, you know, being a
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: new environment, new friends. And they decided that they were
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: going to have a go at this TikTok challenge. And
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  Speaker 2: she literally for about twenty minutes, she rehearsed everything.
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  Speaker 1: That happened, every slap, every water squirt. We heard about
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: the whole lot.
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  Speaker 2: And it's amazing how play just lightens the.
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  Speaker 1: Mood and it draws us together, it creates bonds. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: now those four girls will always remember that sleepover because
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  Speaker 1: of the tortilla slap. It's just it's beautiful. And that's
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  Speaker 1: the power of play. That's the whole purpose of play.
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  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to fulfill any productive purpose. It's not
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  Speaker 1: about reaching any means. But what it does is it
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  Speaker 1: builds resources. It's rejuvenating, and you usually play with somebody,
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  Speaker 1: so it's good for connection as well, and it refills
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  Speaker 1: kids joy tanks. I think I can say this without
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  Speaker 1: without overdisclosing too much about this particular daughter, But she's
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: had lifelong low level anxiety, so she really struggles with
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: new environment, she really struggles with new friends, she really
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: struggles just with the move. Of all of our kids,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: this is the one child who's really not taken easily
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  Speaker 1: to the move. Everyone else has been really happy about
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  Speaker 1: it except for her. And yet a little bit of
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  Speaker 1: play this additional connection, and it's almost like the anxiety,
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: the sadness, the frustration, all of the stuff we've been
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: dealing with for some time. It almost vanished overnight. I
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: mean there's still vestiges of it, there's a bit of it,
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  Speaker 1: but it refilled her joy to tank in such a profound,
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  Speaker 1: powerful and instantaneous way. It was so great to watch.
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  Speaker 2: But I think it taps in beautifully with the whole
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  Speaker 2: idea of connection. You can't play without connecting.
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  Speaker 1: Well, you can, but it doesn't work very well. Solo
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  Speaker 1: plays not nearly as good as mutual play.
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  Speaker 2: So what's next on your list after that?
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  Speaker 1: I had activity, And when I say activity, I'm not
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  Speaker 1: talking about playing. But what I'm talking about is just
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: getting the kids involved in life. You might do it
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  Speaker 1: with cooking or cleaning or craft, or maybe you're going
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: to add some color to a room or see what
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I did there with all those letters, starting with all
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: those words, staying with sea, but activity as in, you know,
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  Speaker 1: when you're just doing stuff and you invite one of
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  Speaker 1: the kids to join you and there's no pressure, they
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  Speaker 1: don't have to. I mean, I shared that story about
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: raking the leaves the other day and how I brought
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Emily and literally out to rake the leaves and they
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: didn't really want to, but because I invited them, they
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  Speaker 1: kind of did, and then we ended up breaking the
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  Speaker 1: leaves and having fun for about twenty minutes. It was
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  Speaker 1: a it was a fun, easy activity. So activity with
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  Speaker 1: no pressure, a simple invitation. That's the kind of thing
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  Speaker 1: that I'm getting at.
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  Speaker 2: I think that's still connection.
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  Speaker 1: Well it is, but it's connection around an activity rather
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  Speaker 1: than connection for connection's sake. Like you and I we
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  Speaker 1: might sit together and actually connect, we talk, We create
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  Speaker 1: conversation and meaning and derive that from the fact that
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  Speaker 1: we're together. But this is activity, as in we're connecting
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  Speaker 1: while we do something. So that's my next idea. And
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  Speaker 1: it's amazing what it does as our kids become productive
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  Speaker 1: and engaged in activity, what it does for their well being.
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  Speaker 1: It at boosted, it refills their joy tank.
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  Speaker 2: What's your last one?
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  Speaker 1: I've got three more.
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  Speaker 2: We've got three more.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to do them after the break. The unhealthy,
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: unhelpful boy code that is rampant in our children's school
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: and social environments encourages some persistent and dangerous ideas about
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: what it means to be male. But the Building Better
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Boys webinar is here to help unpack these cultural ideas
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  Speaker 1: and help guide our boys to be brilliant, beautiful, and
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  Speaker 1: even better. Building Better Boys is available today online at
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com dot au.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now and You've got
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  Speaker 2: three more.
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  Speaker 1: To refeel like kids joy tanks. I think that we
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  Speaker 1: need to break the routine now.
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  Speaker 2: And then for breakfast.
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  Speaker 1: Well yeah, maybe, I mean it's fun, right, do the
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  Speaker 1: unexpected go for a walk after school instead of doing homework.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe give them the morning off school. I mean I
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: not teachers just slapped their foreheads with their hands and
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: said stop giving them these ideas. But the idea here
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  Speaker 1: is when you break the routine, you do something novel,
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  Speaker 1: it changes everything up. And if you can say to
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: the kids, guess what, We're not going to school until
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  Speaker 1: ten this morning, which means everyone's going to have a
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: sleep in. We're going to ride our bikes for us
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: scooters to the park. We're going to goof off with
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  Speaker 1: a ball for half an hour. We're going to walk
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: along the beach. Whatever it is that you get to
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  Speaker 1: do in your neighborhood, give yourself an extra hour, hour
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  Speaker 1: and a half in the morning and just have fun.
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  Speaker 1: Cook pancakes instead of having weetpicks, do the un new usual,
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  Speaker 1: and watch what happens. It just it's enlivening the novelty.
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  Speaker 1: It helps everyone to shift gears, to recalibrate, to kind
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  Speaker 1: of work out. Oh, okay, we've got the opportunity to
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  Speaker 1: have fun in our lives again, and then we can
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  Speaker 1: get back to the routine.
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  Speaker 2: Our kids feel like that every time I buy a
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: jar of Natella. Yes it's not very often, but they
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: know that if the jar comes home, life is going
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: to get a whole.
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  Speaker 1: More joyful, and they don't let that opportunity go. They
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: get into that Natella, Oh my goodness, so unhealthy.
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  Speaker 2: What's in the next one?
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  Speaker 1: The next one is going to be a bit provocative
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  Speaker 1: and surprising. But if we want to help our kids
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: to be happy, I think that we need to get
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  Speaker 1: them to do hard things. I agree, there's something remarkable
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  Speaker 1: that happens when our kids go come through. It's too hard.
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  Speaker 1: They wing, they whine, they don't want to do something,
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  Speaker 1: but it's hard, and it's a genuine accomplishment, and then
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: once they've done it, they're kind of like, yeah, I
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: did it. We recently climbed to the top of Mount Coolham.
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  Speaker 1: It's not a massive hill, it's not a mountain by
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: any story, and it's not even the hardest walk in
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: the world, but it requires efforts and energy. And the
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: kids were winging and whining, oh do we have to
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: ar a mint and go for a walk. But we
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: got outside, we got into nature. Oh that's that's a
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: bonus one, and get into nature.
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  Speaker 2: Overachiever.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and then we walked up this hill and it
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: was great. They loved it, and the view from the
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  Speaker 1: top was fantastic. And there's just something about doing hard things.
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  Speaker 2: I know we're talking about filling our kids joy cups,
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: but these all of these things work for us as
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: adults as well.
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  Speaker 1: Not cups, honey tanks, tanks, because we've got a lot
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: of joy to fill. But you're right, as adults, all
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: of these, all of these ideas work just as well
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: for us as they do for the kids, whether it's
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: a break from routine or doing something hard, or getting
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: out of the nature, or involving yourself with somebody in
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: an activity, or playing like we even use the word,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: I'm going to just play around with this idea for
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: a bit. I want to toy with this mechanical thing
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: that I'm playing with, or a toy with this recipe.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: We use those terms, so I think that we really should.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: What's your last one?
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: Okay, So if we're going to do something hard and
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: break with a routine and all that sort of thing,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: the last one that I'm going to check out there
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: is artistic endeavors, music, painting, art, all that kind of stuff.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Just recently, I've begun having some piano lessons again, first
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: time since I was a teenager. I only had nine
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: months worth of lessons. Anyway, I only have a handful
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: of songs that I can play, But it feels so wonderful.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I can't even describe how good it feels to sit
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: down at the piano and puzzle my way through a
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: piece of music that I have no idea what I'm
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: doing with, and to be able to sit with the
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: teacher beside me and say, okay, how do I do this?
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I'm getting this all wrong, and then ten minutes later
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: be able to do it and figure it out, and
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: then have to teach a show up a couple of
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: weeks later and say, wow, you've figured that out. I
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: didn't think that you were going to get that far
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: that fast. This is great.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: It has created a little bit of healthy competition in
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: the house, though, with a few musicians trying to show
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: one up you.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: I guess, well, everyone wants to be on the piano
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: at the same time, which is one big challenge, and
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: the other one is, hang on, that's my song. You're
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: not allowed to play my song. My songs are easier
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: than yours. Your songs are harder than mine. I want
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: to play yours like it's creative bit of stuff, hasn't it,
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: which is really fun. So they're my big ideas for
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: refilling our kids joy tanks. I'll go through them again
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: really quickly. First of all, we need to understand where
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: our kids' joy comes from, those sources of joy and
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: help them to find flow. But then it's things like connection, play,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: being involved in activities together, breaking from the routine, doing
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: hard things, and getting involved in musical or artistic pursuits
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: like drawing, painting, art, all that.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Sort of stuff. Well, I only have one more to add,
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: and I'm really surprised you didn't put it in there.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, laughter, laughter, you gotta laugh. It's so funny that
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: you're saying that.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: So the other day we were eating at the dining
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: table and we have a we have some French doors
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: that lead out into our deck, and one of the
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: doors was open, so.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: They're called they're called French doors, French doors.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: I just thought that two of them opener, right, Okay,
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: only one was open, so it's just one doorway.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: I know what you're going to share, yep.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: And as I was eating, I noticed that one of
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: the grapes that was in my salad was a little
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: bit manky, So I decided that I would throw it
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: out the window the door.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: I love that word manky mank. It was a bit
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: mad grape, and so.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: In my attempt to throw it out the door, I
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: needed to get it over the white cushions of my
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: outdoor setting that was just outside the door.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: So let's just put this into perspective. Kylie is two
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: and a half meters away from a doorway that is
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: a meter and a bit wide. That's a wide doorway.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: It's not it's a normal doorway.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: Stop being unfair.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: And it's and it's the height of a regular doorway,
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: but it's it's big, and it's open. The door is
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: wide open, two and a half meters away and you
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: But then I've got.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: The distance that just past that, there's a big couch
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: with white cushions, and I didn't want a mankey grape
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: landing on the cushions, so I had to aim a
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: little bit higher than normal. Anyway, it's my story. In
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: my attempt to aim past the couch, I might have
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: missed the door by just a little bit, and it
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: hit the wall at the wall at the top of
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: the doorway, and I was graping that nobody would notice.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: But I wasn't so lucky. What was so funny was
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: that once everybody realized, everybody was peeing their pants with laughter,
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: except for one child who's looked up and gone, what
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: what's going on? So next thing, at one of the
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: children has picked the grape up.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: And didn't she pick up a different grape or she
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: wouldn't have got that one, did she? Yeah, she would
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: and picked up the Mankey grape. Yeah, she picked up
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: the Maynkey grape.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: And then she tried to throw it.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: When she walked to the far end of the and
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: chucked it at the window, like checked it at the window,
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: not through, not through the open door, and splattered grape
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: life for the window.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: And you know what my first initial thoughts when it
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: happened was, I was so embarrassed.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna you're mad at me for laughing at you.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: I was a little bit mad at you. But then
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: the reality was it was just so funny, and so
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: often we kind of just get caught up and you know,
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: kind of getting embarrassed and being upset about things when
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: it was actually just a really good opportunity to have
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: a good belly laugh together.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, find the funny.
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think I think that that goes a
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: huge way to help us find joy.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: We hope that this podcast episode has helped you to
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: find joy and a whole lot of new ways to
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: refill your and your children's joy tanks.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: I will just say that I was side saddled when
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: I tried to throw it out.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: Side saddled.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: Well, I was sitting at the table. I wasn't like
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: facing it straight out. I was on the side profile
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: when I tried to throw it out.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin roll On
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is what is our executive producer.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: If you would like to learn how to throw straight
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: we can't help you on this podcast, but if you
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: would like to learn how to make your family happier,
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: please visit us at happy families dot com dot I
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: you and if you're enjoying the podcast, leave us a
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: rating and review. Those five star ratings and reviews help
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: other people to find out about the podcast and make
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: their family happier too.