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190. The Different Types Of Sexual Intimacy And The Roles They Play In Marriage · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Intro: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Intro: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Intro: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Intro: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
0:41
Nick: Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy and before we dive in, we are going to pull up a question from our Would you Rather In the Ultimate Intimacy app?
0:58
Nick: If you haven't gone through this section of the app, you need to check it out.
1:02
Nick: It's really fun.
1:03
Nick: There are some really fun questions to get you thinking about things that maybe you've never thought about.
1:08
Amy: They're great for date night.
1:09
Amy: They're great for after you make love.
1:11
Amy: They're great for just having a conversation before bed or in the car.
1:15
Nick: Yeah, we've actually had people contact us and they're like man, I never would have imagined.
1:20
Nick: These are our favorite part of the app we have.
1:23
Nick: When we go on road trips, we have conversations for hours just talking about some of these things and they are really fun.
1:28
Nick: So I'm going to start out with a random question and we'll see how we answer it.
1:37
Nick: All right, would you Rather?
1:38
Nick: Would you rather die in 10 years but have a very happy and fulfilling life, or live out your life to an old age but have a hard life?
1:52
Nick: You can't answer that.
1:54
Nick: That is a tough question.
1:56
Nick: That is a tough question.
1:58
Nick: All right, let me think how I'm going to answer.
2:02
Amy: Oh my gosh.
2:04
Nick: This is really tough.
2:06
Amy: Wait, my whole rest of my life would be hard, for sure.
2:09
Nick: Yeah.
2:10
Amy: I couldn't change the hardness in 10 years yeah and I don't know.
2:13
Nick: I mean, obviously, okay, you think, oh well, how hard is it going to be.
2:16
Nick: This is going to create a long discussion together, because you're going to say, well, what do you mean by hard?
2:23
Nick: What does that mean?
2:24
Amy: I mean financially it's going to be health related.
2:26
Amy: I don't know the answers.
2:27
Amy: Am I going to be in pain?
2:28
Amy: Am I going to be stuck in bed?
2:29
Amy: Am I going to be quadriplegic?
2:30
Amy: What does that mean?
2:32
Nick: So we'll just take this on face value and let us interpret it how we like.
2:36
Nick: I am not afraid of dying for some reason no, you're not.
2:42
Nick: So I'm going to say I'd rather die in 10 years and have a very happy and fulfilling life.
2:47
Nick: Like I'm not, I don't want to die, don't get me wrong.
2:50
Nick: But like I'm happy in life, like I feel, I feel like, rather than I would, I would want to end and go out on a good note.
2:59
Nick: I would want my wife to think man, we had a great life together, we had wonderful things, and then I'll see her in heaven.
3:08
Amy: Dude, but we're going to play golf a lot when we're retired.
3:11
Nick: I know, but if it says you're going to have a hard life, like, I don't know what that means.
3:16
Amy: Hard.
3:16
Amy: Well, you just got a okay, so I'm going to give the woman a response here.
3:20
Nick: If hard meant that you're going to be, you're going to have no money, you're going to have health issues, you're going to sit in a couch and start a TV the rest of your life.
3:27
Nick: I don't know what hard means.
3:29
Nick: If hard meant that is, I don't know.
3:32
Nick: I mean, I guess my answer would be different based upon they only want to live 10 more years.
3:36
Nick: Based upon my knowledge, I'm going to answer.
3:39
Amy: the woman answer because I am a nurturer and because I love my children so much and my husband and my dogs.
3:48
Amy: I don't want to leave anybody and I don't want them to have to do this life without me, because I do feel like I'm a really good mom and my kids know them that I love them more than anything on this planet and they're like all four of my best friends and you, so you're my biggest best friend and then they're my next best friends and so, giving a simple mom answer, I would probably be okay suffering just so I could watch my children grow and have grandkids.
4:17
Amy: And I get that you're saying I don't know how hard it is, but if I had to pick right now, not knowing, I don't think I could make that choice to be gone in 10 years, like I have so much to look forward to.
4:26
Amy: But if you told me, like a deeper answer, like you would be quadriplegic and you would be really sick.
4:33
Amy: Then I'd be like I don't want to suffer.
4:35
Nick: Yeah, and I agree, and maybe my answer would change because actually I do agree with you.
4:40
Nick: Like I hard could be many different things, like if I'm in a wheelchair staring at a TV and I can't think, and I mean.
4:50
Amy: I don't know Like a vegetable yeah.
4:53
Nick: So I think, even though I gave my first answer, I would need more knowledge, I guess, to make that decision.
5:01
Amy: Anyways, the point is is that you can see how fun these questions are because they create like.
5:07
Amy: We will probably have a deeper discussion on this later.
5:10
Nick: And my answer might change and we might end up talking about facts.
5:13
Amy: We might end up talking about retirement and our future goals and what 10 years like looks like, and it just creates like a whole nother conversation.
5:21
Amy: So that's awesome, the wood you rather.
5:23
Nick: I don't want to send selfish like I'm just like, oh, I'm just going to go out when I'm happy.
5:27
Nick: Well, a lot of people listening.
5:31
Amy: Call you super husband, nick, and we know you're going straight to heaven.
5:36
Nick: So yeah, 10 year plan would be okay for you, my goodness.
5:38
Nick: Oh but I think I, you know, if my life was hard, would I have what I make other people's life hard because they're having to take care of me, or you know, I mean obviously, yeah, they get it, they get it.
5:54
Amy: It's a discussion for you to go ask your spouse you can see out prompts great discussion.
5:57
Nick: So let's dive into the podcast episode today.
5:59
Nick: I think this is going to be a fun one.
6:02
Amy: Nick's very excited about this, and I bet you can guess why.
6:06
Nick: Yeah.
6:07
Amy: I already looked at the title and Nick's like oh, I'm going to talk about it.
6:11
Nick: No, it's just okay.
6:12
Amy: Smile and say you're right.
6:14
Nick: You're right.
6:14
Nick: You're right.
6:15
Nick: So today's episode is 190, the different types of sexual intimacy and the roles they play in marriage.
6:24
Amy: Because in charge of this episode.
6:26
Nick: I am.
6:27
Amy: You wrote it, you came up with it, and he's excited to talk about it.
6:31
Nick: All right, I think Okay, I'm not going to say it's me, but I feel like we get so many comments we always say that so we have a lot of insight that maybe average couples don't have.
6:45
Nick: Just because we do so many polls, we get so many people always contacting us and a lot of times it's always like the same messages.
6:52
Nick: Right, you're like holy crap, people are like all struggling with this thing and so again, we just we have a lot of information and a lot of insight and I think I hope this comes out right.
7:05
Nick: But I think so often, like sex and marriage is just sex, it's just, it's just sex.
7:11
Nick: It's always the same, it's always the a lot of the times that not always, but a lot of times the husband, you know, basically wanting it and the wife, low desire, not wanting it, and whatever.
7:24
Amy: Our opposite, yeah, yep.
7:27
Nick: But sex is just sex and it always looks the same Sex, is not true?
7:33
Nick: Like I said, we're going to go over all the different types of sexual intimacy in those really in in relationships, but, more importantly, the different roles that they play and why you should try to do each one of these occasionally in your marriage.
7:49
Amy: So, rather than just one, there's one that we never do.
7:52
Nick: Yeah, for sure.
7:54
Amy: There's one that we never do.
7:56
Nick: So we're going to go through these, we're going to talk about them, we're going to share funny experiences and different things like that, but again, just keep in mind why you should try to do each one of these occasionally in your marriage.
8:08
Nick: Okay, so first off is passionate sex.
8:12
Nick: When you think of passionate sex, what do you think, cause it might look different, for these things might look a little bit differently for you and I.
8:21
Amy: Okay, I think passionately passionate sex would consist of both people wanting it, not like a favor kind of thing, like both people are like dying to make love to each other, like right yeah, it's equally felt.
8:39
Amy: I think of passionate kissing.
8:41
Amy: I thinking of it being very united and I think of it, just like I said, unified, like just I don't know a lot of kissing and just passionate.
8:54
Amy: I think of a lot of kissing when I think of passionate.
8:56
Intro: Yeah, like at the same time I agree, like it's not an act, it's two people.
9:01
Nick: You're just 100% enteraled in each other, genuinely coming together, wanting to unite.
9:05
Nick: And can't get enough of each other, and I think there's a lot of emotional intimacy that's equally shared during that.
9:10
Nick: So when I think passionate sex too, I think I often think of like people being away for a period of time and then when they get together it's just like they cannot keep their hands off each other.
9:20
Nick: Maybe a husband's been away for work or military or something for a while, and oh my gosh, so we don't ever have that then.
9:28
Nick: No, well, we have Me, and.
9:30
Amy: Nick are never apart more than two hours so this is.
9:33
Nick: This was an awesome experience.
9:35
Nick: So, Amy, yeah, there's been very few times in our marriage where we've been away from each other more than a couple days, right, Like hardly.
9:43
Amy: yeah, a couple girls trips as well, yeah.
9:45
Nick: So every year my mom does a women's trip where she gets all the girls together and does a trip for two or three days.
9:52
Amy: So and I used to hate going because I hated leaving you, Like I didn't like to be away.
9:57
Amy: A lot of women are like bye, see you in a week.
9:59
Amy: But I'm like, I'm not like that, Like I miss you.
10:02
Nick: So Amy was on this trip and you know we're texting and saying, oh, I miss you, I miss you, and she sends me a picture of her in the dressing room trying on lingerie at Victoria's Secret or something.
10:14
Amy: Oh, I was totally flirting.
10:15
Amy: I'm like I'm gonna give him good.
10:17
Nick: She sends me this picture and I'm just like, are you kidding me?
10:21
Nick: You?
10:22
Amy: just left.
10:22
Nick: I got three days, you just left and this picture I'm just like holy smokes, she's gorgeous Like I.
10:29
Nick: I'm not even exaggerating, I bet you.
10:31
Nick: I stared up my phone for three hours that night Like I couldn't go to bed.
10:35
Nick: It was like two in the morning.
10:36
Nick: I'm like oh my gosh, my wife is gorgeous Like I was.
10:39
Nick: I was absolutely going nuts.
10:42
Amy: So what you're saying was that was really rude of me.
10:45
Nick: It was rude but it was really nice, Like I that was, it was, it was awesome.
10:50
Nick: Well, it was nice because of what happened.
10:53
Nick: So I think, if I remember right and I don't remember if this was the same night or the next night, so I start sending them like joking lingerie pictures of me like on the bed and not in lingerie.
11:03
Nick: No, but just like in my underwear in the time.
11:06
Nick: I was trying to be seductive and she just came back with a lot of laughing emojis and things like that.
11:12
Amy: That's because you're like not serious ever, but I remember like.
11:16
Nick: So she was gone for three days and I remember when she got home, like we just like.
11:20
Nick: I missed you connected and just like that night was passionate, passionate.
11:29
Amy: I think what Nick is trying to say is that I need to leave on a girls trip.
11:34
Nick: Oh yeah, I would be supportive of that for sure.
11:37
Nick: But that's an example like that.
11:39
Nick: Making love that night was just passionate.
11:42
Nick: We both couldn't get enough of each other.
11:44
Nick: We missed each other Like it was just awesome.
11:48
Amy: It was also like what you're, amy.
11:51
Amy: Amy doesn't.
11:51
Nick: Amy's like, I don't remember it like that, but for me that's okay.
11:54
Nick: For me it was passionate.
11:56
Amy: Okay, so I guess there was, I think I just I thought we had passionate sex all the time.
12:02
Amy: Apparently we don't do very often.
12:07
Nick: Well, I think there's that we have passionate sex for sure, Okay so this is going to be different for everyone.
12:13
Amy: Yeah, exactly, so yeah, but so I'm passionate, I think, means we're both people are genuinely desiring each other.
12:20
Amy: That's what.
12:20
Nick: I, exactly, I totally agree.
12:22
Nick: All right, okay, let's dive into the next one.
12:25
Amy: Maintenance sex.
12:26
Amy: We did an entire podcast on this.
12:28
Nick: We did.
12:28
Nick: I don't remember what episode it is, but you can go back look at why maintenance sex is important.
12:35
Nick: So what do you think?
12:36
Nick: What?
12:36
Amy: How do you interpret maintenance sex and all of the like eight years of my life was maintenance sex.
12:41
Amy: Okay, I'm just going to be flat out honest.
12:44
Amy: If you know our story, you know that we struggled for years.
12:48
Amy: There was some financial infidelity, I was taken on everything in the whole entire marriage and it was rough, really, really rough for me, like emotional connection was gone.
12:59
Amy: I lost the sexual connection but I kept having maintenance sexual.
13:04
Amy: I don't want to call it maintenance sex, I like to call it maintenance sexual intimacy, because I don't ever think that there should just be sex in March.
13:11
Amy: I think it should always be intimate.
13:12
Amy: So maintenance sexual intimacy like sometimes you just do it because you know it's good for the marriage and it does bring you closer together.
13:20
Amy: Whether you're kind of torn apart at the moment emotionally or not, sometimes that can bring back that emotional gap.
13:27
Nick: Yeah.
13:27
Amy: And so when I mean, like you always say, we do maintenance on our cars, we do maintenance on our house, we do maintenance on lots of things to keep them running smoothly, like I feel like there was a real time in our marriage where sexual intimacy was more maintenance, like there wasn't a whole lot of passion, there wasn't a whole lot of spontaneity, there wasn't a whole lot of crazy connecting romance, but we knew it being intimate was really important for us.
13:56
Nick: And I would second that.
13:57
Nick: I would say that during that time in our marriage, because we were having maintenance sex that probably kept us from getting divorced.
14:06
Amy: I can absolutely agree that kept us together.
14:08
Nick: I don't think we would have been together.
14:09
Nick: Not may sound shallow, but from a coming from a husband's perspective like that is the one way that I knew Amy loved me.
14:19
Nick: That is and I wasn't going to cut that off as much as we were going through everything else when we made, when we made love or had sex.
14:27
Nick: That is the one way that reaffirmed to me inside okay, as bad as everything is, she still loves me because she's willing to do this, and so I know there are a lot of marriages out there that maybe are filling that way in some aspect or another.
14:44
Nick: I want to express that maintenance sex.
14:48
Nick: Well, let me pause right here.
14:51
Nick: So we were going through a very difficult time in our marriage.
14:55
Nick: There's marriages out there, people that are listening right now, that are experiencing those things.
15:01
Nick: Maintenance sex got us through those hard times, kept us from getting divorced and gave us the opportunity to have the marriage that we have today, which, in my opinion, is like I couldn't imagine being happier.
15:14
Nick: So my point is is if you are a couple out there that's struggling, maintenance sex might be a temporary thing to stay connected, to get to the better times, and your marriage can get to better times.
15:32
Nick: If you cut off the maintenance sex or that connection and end up in divorce, you might always wonder.
15:41
Nick: You know what could have been, because I'm here to tell you that things will get better if you prioritize each other and, yeah, you may be going through tough times or difficult times, but they can get better and they can get to where your marriage is, at an amazing place again.
15:58
Amy: If you cut off sexual intimacy, the emotional intimacy gets absolutely cut off 100% and your marriage cannot get better or grow stronger when the emotional intimacy gets cut off.
16:11
Amy: And I understand that we always say emotional intimacy comes first and I still believe that.
16:17
Amy: I still think you have to have like that safety, security, like you have to still feel safe with one another to always be for your intimate right 100%.
16:28
Amy: But sometimes when you cut off something like sex just because a couple other areas aren't perfect, it's gonna make everything so much worse.
16:39
Amy: And I have to say we're not talking about maintenance sex as just go do it when you don't feel like it.
16:44
Amy: Go just do it and lay there.
16:45
Amy: Like it still has to be intimate, like that's why we're always talking about intimacy like maintenance sexual intimacy, like we don't believe in just doing things, we believe that it brings you closer together and so it still has to feel like that.
17:01
Amy: It still has to be consented and loving and united right.
17:06
Nick: Yeah, and I think you correct me if I'm wrong I think there's times in our marriage for sure, that Amy starts out saying, okay, this is probably more maintenance sex, right?
17:16
Amy: A lot of times yeah.
17:17
Nick: Because she's a low desire spouse.
17:19
Nick: But then as she gets into it, she starts enjoying it and I would say and you mentioned this before on podcasts that 100% of the time after we make love, you're glad we did so.
17:31
Amy: And a lot of it.
17:31
Amy: A lot of the time it's not because I'm so glad I did that.
17:34
Amy: A lot of the time it's because I think I'm so glad Nick knows that I love him and that I'm willing to prioritize him.
17:41
Amy: Correct, and so it doesn't always have to be about both of us, yeah.
17:45
Nick: But the point I'm trying to make is, I think a lot of times it can feel like maintenance sex, but then you can get in the mood right and it becomes so much more than that.
17:55
Nick: It might start out as maintenance sex and end up as that was really.
17:58
Nick: That was really connecting and awesome.
18:00
Amy: And sometimes it like mindset.
18:02
Amy: I'm like I'm just going on all physical, Like mentally I'm just not feeling 100% connected to you.
18:07
Amy: I'm gonna enjoy this physically and then that does help us to emotionally connect better.
18:13
Amy: Yeah.
18:14
Nick: Right For sure.
18:14
Amy: Because it is uniting when you cuddle and you talk after and you work on that afterplay, not the, not just the foreplay, but the afterplay.
18:23
Amy: That connection after you make love is just as important.
18:27
Amy: Yeah, yeah, for sure, and sometimes if you're upset with each other, well, I guess we're gonna get into the other one that's coming up next.
18:35
Amy: But yeah, let's just jump into, because I'm about to blow the next cover.
18:40
Nick: What is it?
18:41
Amy: Which is makeup sex.
18:42
Amy: Sometimes you go into it and you've had a disagreement or an argument, you are emotionally disconnected a little bit and makeup sex is usually like okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, let's go make love, right.
18:56
Amy: But sometimes I feel like makeup sex can be like we need to grow and bond closer together again because of the disagreement or the fight or whatever happened, and sometimes that can rebond you physically and then emotionally and I was gonna say that we've never had makeup sex, but you just made a point that it doesn't have to be immediately after.
19:18
Nick: No, Maybe makeup sex is a day after you know.
19:22
Nick: But one of the podcasts we did really early on was with Meet the Freemans and they talk about how important it is to reconnect after a disagreement as quickly as you can.
19:33
Amy: They said reconnect physically, and that's not talking about going to jump in bed together.
19:38
Amy: They talked about how important it is to hold hands, to touch your spouse's leg or shoulder and show them that, even though you're having a really hard disagreement or you're totally butting heads about something, I'm still here for you, I'm still physically connected to you, I'm right here.
19:53
Amy: We can get through this right.
19:55
Nick: Yeah, and I think that's where we've got a bunch of people.
19:58
Nick: I think we did a poll but a bunch of people said how makeup sex is so amazing and I think the reason why it can be so amazing is you're in such a place where you're arguing and you're totally, 100% disconnected, and then to go to an area so vulnerable as being totally vulnerable and totally connected so quickly makes it a enjoyable experience for both spouses.
20:25
Nick: Like I said, you know, that looks different for everyone.
20:27
Nick: Some people are able to just get over it immediately, go hop in bed and have an amazing experience.
20:33
Amy: I would not be that person.
20:34
Amy: I would not be that person If I'm not feeling connected to you.
20:37
Amy: There's no way I'm doing that.
20:38
Amy: That wouldn't work for me.
20:41
Nick: That's one of the reasons why maybe we haven't had makeup sex, or maybe makeup sex looks different for us.
20:47
Nick: That is a day or two.
20:49
Nick: Yeah, I mean, our fights maybe look different than a lot of other couples as well too.
20:56
Nick: But again, it's important regardless of what it looks like for you.
21:01
Nick: I think makeup sex or connecting, is vital after an argument.
21:07
Nick: You need to connect after an argument, whether it's sexually or, like Amy said, holding hands or hugging.
21:13
Amy: And the faster the better.
21:14
Nick: And the faster the better right.
21:16
Amy: Yup.
21:17
Nick: Alright.
21:17
Nick: The next one is quickies, or quickie sex.
21:20
Nick: Okay so we don't have much.
21:25
Nick: This is, you know, a couple We've never done this one ever.
21:29
Nick: We haven't.
21:30
Nick: I'm just joking, I'm just gonna say man, we've done like.
21:32
Amy: I'm like totally fine with quickie sex.
21:34
Amy: I'm like that's great, let's do it fast.
21:36
Nick: Yeah, I'm tired, let's go to bed.
21:37
Nick: Yeah, amy's like.
21:38
Nick: I'm like hey, can I give you a big nice back rub tonight?
21:41
Nick: No, let's just do it real quick.
21:43
Nick: I'm like oh, okay.
21:44
Amy: We can connect emotionally and sexually fast.
21:47
Nick: Quickie sex could be.
21:48
Nick: Maybe you're in and I mean I've never done this, but maybe someone's in an elevator, oh wow.
21:54
Nick: I don't know how you can perform that quick, but hey, yeah.
22:00
Amy: I don't think that's real.
22:01
Amy: Yeah, probably I really don't think that's real, but quickie sex is something that's quick.
22:06
Nick: You're just getting the mood spontaneously, and that could be fun and exciting it could be fun and exciting Hopefully.
22:14
Nick: Do you have any examples?
22:15
Amy: No, I don't, because I don't get the mood that quick, but everybody tuned back in in a couple months, when we get, hopefully, our testosterone results.
22:25
Amy: I mean, if you've been watching our Instagram stories, nick said on date night a few weeks ago sorry if I'm repeating myself hey, do you want to get your testosterone checked?
22:36
Amy: Because we had a friend that actually ended up getting her levels fixed and being the higher drive and the husband was like hurled up in a ball, like don't touch me, it's too much.
22:44
Nick: It's too harsh.
22:44
Nick: He's like I got a headache and I was laughing so hard I was crying.
22:48
Nick: I'm like I can't even.
22:49
Nick: I don't even know what that would be like.
22:51
Nick: And I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong, because it was just the fact of like her being such a high drive Her being such a high drive and I'm like that's how I feel that sounds amazing right.
23:01
Amy: Like anyone that is a high drive and then has a low drive spouse would love their low drive spouse to be like that until it becomes too much right?
23:08
Nick: Yeah, and I did not push Amy into this.
23:12
Amy: No.
23:12
Amy: So we posted something on Instagram about me going and getting my testosterone and so that's a working progress.
23:18
Amy: So it's gonna I mean, that's something that has to be like done and it's a progress.
23:24
Amy: So when we get done with that process to let you know how it works.
23:27
Nick: We might be having a lot more quickie sex.
23:30
Amy: I don't know.
23:30
Amy: I hope it works like that.
23:31
Amy: I would love to have a high drive again, like I had a really high drive when I was younger.
23:35
Amy: Now I'm in my 40s and it got killed, so I'm excited to like get that desire back.
23:42
Amy: So, anyways, we'll come back to that.
23:43
Nick: And Amy's going to look for deagra for me, so sorry.
23:49
Amy: No, because if this works for me, I'm not gonna want that, right?
23:51
Amy: Well, that's true, that's true.
23:52
Amy: Yeah, you're so funny, that's true, All right scheduled sex.
23:55
Amy: We did another entire episode on this.
23:59
Amy: Please go listen to that episode.
24:02
Amy: It's so good.
24:03
Amy: We were so against scheduled sex for so long.
24:05
Amy: We're like who the crap would put sex on the calendar and not that we actually put it on the calendar, but in our minds.
24:12
Nick: It's like we're gonna have sex tonight.
24:15
Amy: But yeah, but like in our minds, like on Friday before date night or something, if it's been a couple of days like we'll go into date night knowing it's scheduled in our minds, like yeah, right, yeah, it doesn't mean that we're setting an alarm and at 8.07 the alarm goes off and we run into the bedroom and do the thing.
24:32
Nick: It's nothing like that, no, but putting a leak.
24:35
Amy: It's called prioritizing it.
24:37
Nick: And again, we've done a bunch of episodes on this.
24:41
Nick: You've probably heard it, but I'm gonna hit on it a little bit.
24:43
Nick: Like for a lot of women, a lot of women don't like the spontaneous things.
24:47
Nick: They have their day planned out, they have their things to cross off the list to get done.
24:52
Nick: And we have heard that for a lot of women, they don't like to be surprised, they want to be ready.
24:57
Nick: And so scheduling sex can be so great for both a husband and a wife, because it removes the question for the husband as to hey, when are we gonna have sex again.
25:08
Nick: Like if your husband is always like begging you to be intimate and it's always like, oh, I hope he doesn't beg me again, I don't want to turn him down.
25:16
Nick: And it becomes a thing where you're just rejecting him.
25:19
Nick: If you were to say, hey, sweetie, it's Monday night, we're gonna have sex on Thursday night, imagine number one.
25:27
Nick: You're not gonna get bugged till Thursday night.
25:29
Nick: Probably your husband is gonna be the most excited guy you've ever seen in your life.
25:34
Nick: You're gonna see him flirting and doing things for you.
25:39
Nick: I hope you see that yeah and it gives you time to prepare mentally and physically.
25:45
Nick: So you don't believe us, go give it a try.
25:47
Nick: Go tell your husband or your wife, go initiate.
25:51
Nick: Go initiate and say, hey, I would like, I think we should make love on Wednesday night and I'm gonna do everything I can to prepare, and yada, yada, yada and imagine, just watch how the dynamics of that change.
26:04
Nick: I'm telling you right now scheduled sex, I think, can be a great and wonderful thing and it's great for both couples.
26:12
Nick: It solves the problem for the wife to be able to get time, get in the mood, not have to worry about getting surprised, and it solves the problem for the husband as to hey, when are we gonna make love again?
26:24
Amy: Absolutely Puts it on the calendar.
26:25
Amy: Yep.
26:26
Nick: So we.
26:27
Amy: If you think that's crazy, go listen to the other podcasts, like I said, because we do have some really good reasons.
26:33
Nick: I am totally converted and was 100% against it, and now I totally think it's fantastic.
26:42
Amy: Well, so we have our weekly calendar that I fill out you know all the time and it shows each week.
26:49
Amy: And we have scheduled date night every Friday night, 5 pm.
26:53
Amy: It's date night, with a little heart on our calendar every single week for the next months, until my calendar runs out right, unless something bumps it back a day.
27:02
Amy: But it's no different than thinking okay, tonight is a good night to be intimate.
27:09
Amy: We're romantically connected, we've been on a date, we've had emotional connection.
27:13
Amy: Why not just in your mind, think okay, that night every week is guaranteed.
27:21
Amy: And maybe when you look at date night on your calendar, that means intimate night too.
27:25
Amy: I'm not saying just do it once a week, I'm just saying like that's a great night, whenever that is for you For sure To just schedule that in your mind.
27:33
Amy: That is what scheduling sex is.
27:35
Amy: It's scheduling it in your mind, not just on your calendar.
27:38
Nick: Yeah, I totally agree and love it.
27:40
Nick: All right, experimental sex.
27:43
Nick: What does experimental sex mean to you?
27:48
Nick: It's so funny.
27:49
Amy: We are.
27:50
Amy: So everyone thinks we're probably so exciting.
27:54
Amy: And I'm like we have like splurts, like I feel like you know, when I bought you a bedroom game, it was really fun, exciting.
28:02
Amy: We were trying all these new things and then we find something we're like.
28:04
Amy: We're like good for a couple of years.
28:05
Amy: Do you know what I mean?
28:06
Amy: Like I don't feel like we're the most adventurous.
28:08
Nick: We kind of are all over the place, and that's kind of why I wanted to hit on this podcast episode is we try to do a lot of these things.
28:17
Amy: For sure, because sometimes you have to switch things up or it starts becoming routine.
28:21
Amy: If your sexual intimacy in your marriage becomes routine, every area, other areas probably becoming routine, Right, you're just becoming a routine person and we, like you, can't have an amazing, passionate, exciting marriage when things start turning routine.
28:37
Amy: It doesn't matter if it's just sex or if it's just date night or if it's just your routine when you go to bed, Like if you're always doing the same things all the time.
28:46
Amy: Life just kind of gets stale.
28:48
Nick: For sure I think experimental sex is really good.
28:52
Nick: I mean, this could be, like I said, trying new positions, trying new things.
28:55
Nick: So when Amy and I we were going through a lot of the positions when we were putting the card deck together and there were a couple of them, I'm like I physically don't see how this could be good, Like I just or possible.
29:09
Nick: And there were a couple were like, okay, we at least have to try, because if we're putting the positions card deck out, we gotta know if this is like does this work, Is it?
29:19
Amy: Is this doable?
29:20
Amy: Is someone gonna hear her?
29:21
Nick: And there were a couple of positions we tried that I was.
29:23
Nick: At first I was like there's no way this is gonna be good.
29:26
Nick: I don't even know if it's gonna work.
29:27
Nick: And afterwards I was like that was really good.
29:30
Nick: That's the one on the top 10.
29:31
Nick: That's going on the top 10.
29:32
Nick: And Amy's like yeah, that was a good one for me as well.
29:35
Nick: And so we just experimented, we tried new things, we found things that we never thought we would like, and some Some of the things like with new sex positions, like I like different positions because it gives me the opportunity to maybe look at my wife, look into her eyes, it gives me the opportunity to be able to maybe touch her body with my hands in a different way.
30:05
Nick: Like, for me, trying new positions isn't just about being kinky.
30:09
Nick: Like trying new positions for me is about, like there's certain positions I like better than the other, because it allows me to look into Amy's eyes and kiss her or touch her a certain way.
30:22
Nick: And so, anyways, you've got a big old smile.
30:30
Nick: I'm just trying to explain like it's good to experience and try new things because I'm usually concentrating and shutting my eyes.
30:39
Amy: Yeah, that's true, that's true.
30:41
Nick: So experimental sex.
30:43
Nick: Just try new things.
30:44
Nick: Maybe you never thought you'd try a new position and talk to each other during it.
30:49
Nick: Say, hey, what do you like, what don't you like?
30:52
Nick: What feels good?
30:55
Amy: Talk about those things Absolutely, absolutely, talk about it.
31:00
Amy: Don't let it be a tough conversation.
31:02
Nick: All right, next one Sensual sex.
31:04
Nick: What is sensual sex Me?
31:06
Amy: too Using the senses.
31:08
Amy: So when I think of sensual sex I would think more like a shower seat.
31:13
Amy: Yeah, that's what I would think of.
31:15
Amy: I would think of doing it somewhere.
31:17
Amy: Maybe a different atmosphere for me would be like like in the water or something.
31:25
Nick: Yeah.
31:26
Amy: I guess some people would think of using the senses.
31:29
Amy: I like a dark nick lights.
31:31
Amy: That with the lights on.
31:32
Amy: That would be different for us.
31:34
Amy: We'd have to find a compromise there.
31:36
Amy: We have a strobe light.
31:38
Nick: That goes really quick where it's dark light, dark light.
31:40
Amy: It's called a candle and it flickers and it's so annoying I'm totally joking.
31:45
Nick: No strobe lights in the room.
31:46
Amy: No, no, no, no.
31:47
Amy: But our candle does seem like a strobe light.
31:49
Amy: Sensual could also be different.
31:53
Amy: Kind of I don't know like massage would seem sensual to me, like incorporating some massage into your love making, which is I highly recommend.
32:03
Amy: Senses, I don't know.
32:05
Amy: Some people are like into feathers and beads, kind of like just touching your body with different things, I don't know.
32:14
Amy: I just think being more aware of your senses during it.
32:18
Nick: Yeah, focusing on your senses.
32:20
Amy: And I think that's really filling.
32:22
Nick: Like a lot of people talk about, like filling your breathing or trying to get your breathing together, or different things like that.
32:27
Amy: Yeah, which is actually a tantric, but there's a bad rap on that for some people.
32:31
Amy: But I think sensual is a good word for it, because you're really just using your senses to enjoy it more.
32:37
Amy: And that kind of goes hand in hand with experimental, because trying new things or new places can really kind of be the same thing, right.
32:47
Nick: Yeah, so I like the next one.
32:49
Nick: Oh, my gosh, let's do like so daring sex or exciting sex Like, and I don't know if it's maybe exciting.
32:57
Amy: I don't know about daring, I would say daring or daring for you, not daring for me.
33:03
Nick: Yeah, and I would laugh and say that Amy and I are totally opposite in this area, so Amy's absolutely the daring or the exciting one when it comes to sex.
33:13
Nick: And I, I'm totally, totally okay, just like being in bed, being in the comfort zone, taking the time to enjoy each other.
33:24
Amy: But, amy, I mean Nick's also fine eating at the same restaurant every week.
33:28
Nick: Yeah, I need to get out of my comfort zone, and Amy does a good job of that for me, so like what are you about to share?
33:36
Nick: I was just gonna say so.
33:37
Nick: Like daring sex could be like making love in the car, so we pull up.
33:41
Nick: It's like six at night.
33:43
Nick: They've already heard the story.
33:43
Amy: The sun's out.
33:44
Amy: Some people haven't Okay.
33:46
Nick: The sun's out.
33:47
Nick: It's not even close to dark.
33:49
Nick: We pull up in a totally, totally busy parking lot.
33:54
Amy: It was not busy.
33:54
Amy: There was no one there.
33:56
Nick: Okay, I'm telling my side of the story.
34:00
Nick: I'll tell you what you're talking after this is what I remember and Amy can tell you what she remembers.
34:06
Nick: We pull up in this parking and she's like let's do it in the car.
34:09
Nick: And I'm like there's like people around us Like our windows aren't really that tinted, and Amy's totally okay.
34:15
Nick: So I said, hey, at least let's just at least pull around back to, like, the unloading dock.
34:21
Nick: And you're right, it was getting close to dark.
34:23
Nick: Because, yeah so, amy, amy's right.
34:25
Nick: So we pull around to the loading dock, we start making love and and this semi truck, like the sitting up and shines right into our SUV and pulls into the loading dock and we're like, right into the SUV, lights blaring, and yeah, that gave me stage fright.
34:47
Amy: And he never wanted to do it again, and that was 10 years ago.
34:50
Amy: We have never done it again.
34:51
Nick: True story.
34:51
Nick: So yeah, amy's definitely another experience.
34:55
Nick: We were probably only married, like what a year, a year, and we I was playing in a golf tournament somewhere and we were in the hotel and we're sitting in the hot tub and Amy wanted to get it on in the hot tub and I'm like this is a public place.
35:12
Amy: I had a high drive back then.
35:14
Nick: And she.
35:14
Nick: I turned her down.
35:15
Nick: That was probably the only time in our marriage that I turned her down.
35:18
Nick: That's not true.
35:19
Nick: I'm like babe, let's take it back to the hotel room.
35:21
Nick: And she lost her drive or desire when we got back to the hotel.
35:25
Amy: No, I didn't, I'm totally.
35:28
Amy: I love your story Tell it's like half accurate.
35:30
Nick: Everyone knows.
35:31
Nick: Everyone knows when I'm joking.
35:33
Amy: Yeah, you can totally tell.
35:34
Amy: So anyways back in our thirties, when we were adventurous, we had the exciting, daring Sexual intimacy.
35:40
Amy: Actually we made love like literally a foot away from my friend and oh stop, we were, we did, oh gosh, we will never do that again.
35:50
Amy: That was our honeymoon.
35:51
Amy: But that was If you want to join us on our honeymoon?
35:55
Amy: You better.
35:55
Amy: No, it's going on there.
35:58
Nick: No, that wasn't our honeymoon.
35:59
Nick: We didn't have a friend on a honeymoon.
36:01
Amy: That was a day after our honeymoon, yeah, when we were still on our honeymoon, though we went camping with a friend and his girlfriend and You're making it sound like they were right there.
36:11
Amy: They were not right there.
36:12
Nick: They were right there, they were within Arms length.
36:16
Amy: It was pitch black, it was dark.
36:18
Amy: We were under sleeping bags and tents.
36:21
Amy: They were.
36:22
Amy: They were close, but we were quiet.
36:25
Nick: Yeah, and I was yeah, and I'm not saying that I was against it.
36:30
Amy: So anyways, it was too daring for Nick.
36:31
Amy: Never done that one again either.
36:33
Nick: Oh well, we've never been around people like that.
36:35
Nick: Actually that's not true.
36:36
Nick: I'm pretty daring.
36:38
Amy: No, okay, next one.
36:39
Amy: All right, playful.
36:42
Nick: Playful sex.
36:43
Nick: This is like a game, like the Ultimate Intimacy app, or Truth or Dare, or.
36:49
Amy: The Truth or Dare.
36:50
Amy: I'm just gonna talk about Truth or Dare for a minute.
36:52
Amy: What I love and I know I've already said this the Truth or Dare game helps you connect emotionally also.
36:58
Amy: Like that's what I love so much about it.
37:01
Amy: It's not like let's just go get it on, it's really connecting.
37:05
Amy: You're talking and like, yeah, when you get to a certain point you don't want to talk anymore, but like just playing a bunch of truths and then start doing some dares before a play or whatever like that's I don't know that keeps marriage passionate and exciting.
37:18
Amy: Like that kind of stuff leads to the passion.
37:21
Nick: And some of the funnest times Amy and I have had is playing games when we're For sure.
37:26
Nick: I mean whether it's the Ultimate Intimacy app.
37:28
Nick: I remember the first.
37:30
Amy: The time we ever played.
37:31
Nick: The first time we ever played and it's been good when we continue to play it, but the first time we ever played I was like, oh my gosh, I didn't know it could be that amazing.
37:38
Nick: Like I, it was a totally different experience, like.
37:41
Amy: Because it's back and forth and you're like super.
37:44
Nick: I mean I was like a bomb that just exploded.
37:47
Intro: So enough, that's enough.
37:49
Nick: Anyways.
37:49
Nick: But yeah, you know, amy and I, early in our marriage, before we invented the app, we'd play a game and we'd bet, and oh, we used to play RomaCube.
38:02
Amy: Nick says RomaCub.
38:03
Nick: You might want to email us and tell us which one's right RomaCube, romacub, it's all good oh we would place bets.
38:10
Amy: We would even have Strip RomaCube nights.
38:12
Nick: Yeah, it was awesome.
38:13
Amy: We had prizes at the end.
38:15
Amy: That was fun.
38:17
Amy: It was fun we can do that now because the kids are older.
38:21
Nick: Yeah, that's true, that's true.
38:22
Nick: So what we would recommend as we're finishing up this podcast is number one go set a calendar, go schedule sex.
38:32
Nick: So, as you set a calendar, set a time to get in an argument so you can make up sex the next day.
38:39
Nick: No, no, no, no, don't do that.
38:41
Nick: Set up a night to have passionate sex.
38:43
Nick: Set up a night to have experimental sex.
38:44
Nick: Set up a night to have sensual sex.
38:46
Amy: All in one week?
38:47
Amy: No, I'm saying like a monthly calendar.
38:49
Nick: Set up a calendar I was like we failed at the week challenge and put each one of these on the calendar.
38:54
Nick: And if you have to start an argument to have makeup sex, go ahead and do it.
38:58
Amy: No, that's bad advice.
39:00
Nick: Horrible advice.
39:01
Amy: They know that I'm joking, he's joking.
39:04
Nick: But the point I'm trying to make is try to implement each one of these into your marriage, like if you're having playful sex one night and experimental sex another night and passive sex another night, and scheduled like During the month.
39:21
Nick: Yeah, Like it can be exciting.
39:24
Nick: Incorporate these into your marriage and Go do it in the shower.
39:33
Amy: And this is coming from a guy that is called boring- that's why I said go do it in the shower, so it's not just in one place.
39:41
Nick: That's true, that's true.
39:43
Amy: Good episode, babe.
39:44
Nick: All right, so anything to end on Any.
39:50
Amy: Yes, I would like to say I've already mentioned this if you have not started sexy September challenge, it doesn't matter if it's September, october, whenever you're listening to this.
40:00
Amy: If you're a couple weeks late, you can start this 30 day challenge at any moment, at any time, any day of the month, any month.
40:08
Nick: It's that time of month to start.
40:10
Amy: It's that time of month to start the relationship recharge.
40:13
Amy: It's sexy September, so you can find it.
40:18
Amy: It has.
40:19
Amy: Instead of just like giving a calendar where, like here's another 30 day challenge for you, go cross off each day and do it the day we decided to make it more exciting and fun.
40:29
Amy: This is a good challenge.
40:30
Amy: So, instead of giving you 30 days, I give you 36, so you can get rid of the ones you don't want to use.
40:36
Amy: Number one, number two you can cut them up as coupons and put them in a bowl and do them whatever day you want to do it.
40:45
Nick: And it covers these things.
40:46
Amy: It covers all of this stuff.
40:47
Nick: Schedule sex maintenance sex quickie experimental exciting.
40:51
Amy: Yeah, it makes your marriage and it's not just about sex.
40:54
Amy: This is a 30 days marriage challenge about romance and emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy, just to kind of like set those sparks again, like it should have been like reset the sparks in September or whatever.
41:06
Amy: So you don't just get a calendar, it's like really cute coupons that you can either pick the days you want to do them that works for your schedule, like if you can't make love on Monday or Tuesday nights because your husband has a great shift, or whatever it is like.
41:21
Amy: You can set your own calendar.
41:23
Amy: You can cut them up as coupons and pull them out of a bowl and make it fun like that.
41:29
Amy: There's actual initiating cards, love note cards, appreciation card that you can give to your spouse or just put them in romantic places or surprise them.
41:39
Amy: There's also a bucket list included as one of the activities.
41:44
Amy: Date night ID is included and a really fun If you have our position cards or on the app on iPhone, it's like a poster size of a bunch of positions Part of the challenge.
41:58
Amy: Part of the challenge, because it's all part of the challenge.
42:00
Amy: So, anyways, if you want to emotionally connect, physically connect more, starting now, grab this challenge at shopultimateintimacy Super cheap.
42:11
Nick: We wanted everyone to have it Shopultimateintimacycom.
42:15
Amy: Because it's amazing.
42:16
Nick: It is.
42:17
Amy: And you got You're gonna love it.
42:19
Amy: You're gonna love it.
42:21
Nick: I've said this a thousand times before.
42:22
Nick: That's why I always ask for the same thing for Christmas and my birthday, because they're awesome Yep.
42:27
Nick: It's true.
42:28
Nick: So for the podcast episode, please feel free to leave us a review.
42:32
Nick: That'll help us greatly.
42:34
Nick: If you enjoy our podcast and until next time I guess we hope you enjoy.
42:41
Nick: Find Ultimate Intimacy in your relationship as I'm stepping in.