Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / Love in the Algorithm: Dating, Social Media & Mixed Signals

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Love in the Algorithm: Dating, Social Media & Mixed Signals · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

• 0:17
  Welcome back to Rising 5 with Doctor J Nicole and I'm your
• 0:20
  host, Doctor J Nicole. Today's episode is for anyone
• 0:24
  who has ever stared at their phone and thought, why does this
• 0:29
  feel like a relationship, but nothing actually happened?
• 0:32
  If you've ever felt emotionally connected to someone who
• 0:35
  technically hasn't done much of anything, this episode is for
• 0:39
  you. We're talking about modern
• 0:41
  dating. Dating in the DMS Dating in the
• 0:44
  comments. Dating through reactions,
• 0:46
  emojis, and those late night check insurance.
• 0:49
  Dating with access the no accountability.
• 0:54
  We're also going to talk about how to stay emotionally
• 0:56
  grounded, regulated, and discerning in a world that
• 1:00
  literally profits off distraction, dopamine, and
• 1:03
  constant connection as well as attention.
• 1:06
  Just because something is common doesn't mean that it's healthy.
• 1:12
  And just because something feels familiar does not mean that it's
• 1:15
  safe. So let's get into it.
• 1:17
  Access without intimacy. We live in a time where people
• 1:21
  can watch your stories every single day.
• 1:24
  Like your photos within seconds, Text you at midnight, know when
• 1:28
  you're happy, sad or outside. They can pick up on your moods,
• 1:33
  be emotionally curious, and still not show up for you in a
• 1:37
  meaningful way. This is what I call access
• 1:41
  without intimacy. It looks like closeness, it
• 1:44
  feels like connection, but it really and truly lacks
• 1:47
  commitment, consistency, and care.
• 1:50
  And let me say this clearly, Attention is not effort.
• 1:55
  Visibility is not vulnerability. Familiarity is not intimacy.
• 2:02
  A like is not a plan. Adm is not a commitment.
• 2:05
  And thinking about you, Tex, is not emotional responsibility.
• 2:10
  And where people get stuck is when digital closeness creates
• 2:14
  emotional attachment without relational safety.
• 2:18
  Your nervous system starts to respond as if there is a
• 2:21
  relationship, but there is no structure.
• 2:24
  There's no clarity, there's no protection for your heart.
• 2:27
  That's not love. It's simply exposure.
• 2:31
  And exposure without boundary leads to confusion.
• 2:37
  So let's talk about mixed signals.
• 2:39
  Because here's the truth. Most people don't want to accept
• 2:43
  that mixed signals usually aren't mixed.
• 2:47
  They're just unclear behavior paired with hopeful
• 2:50
  interpretation. You heard me, interpretation.
• 2:54
  We fill in the gaps with our desires and some common
• 2:58
  examples. I'm not ready for a
• 3:00
  relationship, but they expect emotional access, intimacy and
• 3:05
  reassurance. Then you got your flirting
• 3:07
  online but unavailable. When it comes to making real
• 3:11
  plans, it's the deep conversations late at night but
• 3:15
  distance when things start to feel real.
• 3:19
  It's pulling you close then pulling away as soon as there is
• 3:23
  emotional depth. And I want to offer you a
• 3:27
  grounding question, one that you can come back to anytime you
• 3:30
  feel confused. Here's the question.
• 3:34
  If I removed their words and only looked at their behavior,
• 3:38
  their action, what story would it tell?
• 3:43
  Clarity lives in behavior. Behavior is data.
• 3:48
  OK. The clarity is not in potential,
• 3:51
  It's not in promises, it's not in personality.
• 3:55
  It's not how they could be. What are they consistently
• 4:01
  showing? People's actions tell you
• 4:03
  exactly what they feel and what they think.
• 4:07
  Be clear now. Confusion is not chemistry, it's
• 4:10
  information. Everything that a person does
• 4:13
  and does not do is data for you to interpret and respond to.
• 4:17
  Healthy dating and this error requires boundaries with
• 4:22
  technology. And I know that's not always
• 4:25
  easy. Because access feels normal now,
• 4:28
  right? We have more access than ever
• 4:31
  before to more people than before, literally at the tip of
• 4:35
  our fingertips. But we still need boundaries
• 4:40
  because boundaries protect clarity, and that protects your
• 4:43
  heart. Some necessary boundaries that
• 4:45
  are included when you think about dating modern dating in
• 4:49
  the algorithm include not oversharing with people who
• 4:53
  haven't earned the access. Emotional intimacy should be
• 4:58
  paced. It should not be crowdsourced.
• 5:01
  OK, we also want to remember we have the ability to mute when
• 5:06
  necessary. You don't need to watch someone
• 5:08
  who isn't choosing you. It's OK.
• 5:12
  So take them off of your story because it can be painful, but
• 5:15
  also you can make yourself a little delusional.
• 5:18
  Like I said, you know it gives the false sense of connection of
• 5:24
  relationship when really it's just online presence.
• 5:29
  We also want to make sure that we are not monitoring someone
• 5:32
  who isn't consistent because now you're continuously exposing
• 5:35
  yourself to this person that they're not doing the work.
• 5:37
  You're building this relationship on your own.
• 5:40
  Checking their page is not connection, it's actually self
• 5:44
  betrayal. Also want to encourage you to
• 5:48
  choose peace over proximity. Just because somebody is
• 5:52
  available, it does not mean that they are aligned with you.
• 5:56
  And let me say this plainly, blocking is not immature if done
• 6:00
  properly and silence is not petty.
• 6:05
  Engaging is also not dramatic and sometimes it's really just
• 6:10
  self respect. There are sometimes where your
• 6:13
  silence, your disengagement and blocking, self preservation and
• 6:19
  you have to know the difference. Like what is your motivation?
• 6:22
  For at the end of the day, that's about peace and yourself.
• 6:26
  Respect, OK? And you don't owe emotional
• 6:30
  access to people who are unsure about you.
• 6:33
  As we move towards January, I want to hear from you,
• 6:36
  especially if social media or the dating apps are complicating
• 6:41
  your romantic and dating life. I'm inviting you to submit
• 6:45
  letters about DM relationships, ghosting, being kept warm but
• 6:52
  not chosen, just online, emotional entanglements,
• 6:57
  confusion that feels constant. If you've ever asked yourself
• 7:03
  why does this feel like something but is nothing,
• 7:05
  nothing's actually happening. I want you to write in and
• 7:09
  throughout February I'll be reading your letters on episodes
• 7:12
  of Rise and Thrive by Doctor J Nicole and responding with
• 7:15
  clarity, compassion, and grounded perspective.
• 7:21
  You can submit your letters to info@evolvadoctorjnicole.com.
• 7:25
  I really want to hear from you. I want to help you work through
• 7:29
  these relationships, entanglements, situationships,
• 7:33
  whatever type of ship you are in, right in.
• 7:38
  You deserve love. And as much as I can, I want to
• 7:41
  really help you to be able to break this down and hear it
• 7:43
  because sometimes we're too close to it and our feelings are
• 7:46
  way too big. And sometimes you need an
• 7:48
  external voice to be able to hear clearly.
• 7:52
  So submit your letters. I look forward to receiving
• 7:56
  them. And like I said, you deserve
• 8:00
  love. And be on the lookout.
• 8:02
  In February, we're going to do the month of love.
• 8:04
  So every week we're going to be featuring couples, relationship
• 8:10
  experts, sex therapist, all types of like wonderful guests
• 8:15
  are going to be on to help you learn more about love,
• 8:18
  understanding like the chemistry, the science behind
• 8:22
  love and all the things that are happening in our bodies, as well
• 8:25
  as practical advice to help you navigate and staying in healthy
• 8:30
  relationships, get into healthy relationships.
• 8:33
  OK, so this is just a reminder that clarity does not require
• 8:38
  decoding. Healthy love does not confuse
• 8:41
  you. You don't need more access, you
• 8:44
  don't need more communication, you don't need more chemistry.
• 8:47
  What you need is alignment. So make sure you come back next
• 8:52
  week and we're going to go deeper.
• 8:53
  We're going to be talking about attachment styles and how they
• 8:56
  show up in dating. We all have the end.
• 9:00
  Attachment style doesn't mean that it's fixed, it means that
• 9:03
  there are some different tweets that you can make and find
• 9:06
  yourself in a relationship that has a healthy and secure
• 9:10
  attachment. But until next week, I want to
• 9:12
  encourage you to protect your peace.
• 9:15
  And remember, consistency is the language of care.
• 9:20
  So I look forward to seeing you next week on another episode of
• 9:23
  Rise and Thrive by Doctor Jay Nicole, where we are rising in
• 9:26
  faith and thriving in purpose. Remember to check out the merch
• 9:31
  we've dropped, new colors and all of the crew necks, the
• 9:36
  hoodies as well as the cuffed beans.
• 9:40
  OK, so make sure you go to evolvethedoctorjnicole.com,
• 9:44
  click on shop the merch and find what you can connect with.
• 9:49
  We have items for you to wear year round and thank you for
• 9:53
  your support and making it possible for Rising Thrive
• 9:57
  Adapter during the cold to continue.
• 9:59
  I'll see you next week and remember you are worthy and you
• 10:04
  are deserving of the love that you desire.
• 10:09
  Take care.