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35: The Lotsaholic w/ Adam Jablin · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living I
• 0:15
  Adam Javelin is a present father, thought leader, best-selling author, inspirational keynote speaker, transformational life coach, and spiritual and recovery mentor. In 2006, Adam got clean and sober, which unleashed many gifts he had hidden inside. Adam inspires and teaches those fighting fears, alcoholism, and addictions to unleash their inner hero. Adam is kind, loving, smart, and handsome. He is good from his nose to his toes, and we are blessed to have him on the Heart of Life podcast today. Welcome.
• 0:44
  Thank you, brother. Wow. That was if I didn't know myself, I'd be impressed. That was really sweet. Hey, brother. Nice to see you. I could talk superlatives to you for days. We only have an hour, a little bit over an hour, but we're going to get firing right to it because there's so much to you that I want to share with the world.
• 1:05
  I've walked in your shoes and thought I had it all together with the drinking and drugging. I'd imagine your biggest fear back then, like mine, was being discovered for the fraud you were. 17 years later, sober, congrats. You inspire everyone you come into contact with. What is your biggest fear now? My biggest fear...
• 1:29
  Kelly, I think it's the same thing that you and I talked about privately. It's that Superman complex. It's wanting to be able to save, maybe even control, help people, specifically even our children, that we're powerless over. You know, wanting to be able to protect everybody I love and everybody I care about, wanting to protect them almost completely
• 1:57
  dare I say, taking away their journey and their hardships and what they have to go through. So my fear is always this projected what can happen to someone I love. I jumped right into it, but book Lotsaholic. Adam wrote it. It's fantastic. I binged read it. Tell me what a Lotsaholic is.
• 2:23
  Sure. So I'll tell you how the story went down, right? We're at this, I'm in treatment, and there's this program called the family program. And the idea is when you're part of the family program, if you're
• 2:36
  an inpatient alcoholic and addict getting well, you go with family members, not your own, of your fellow clients, you know, your fellow rehab buddies. And you're going to get a taste of what it's like for people on the other side of the family members to deal with an alcoholic and addict. And you're going to share with them what it's like to feel like an alcoholic and an addict.
• 3:03
  And hopefully there's gonna be less personal strife as if it was your own family member. So there's a morning breakfast and I eat very clean and I'm doing my thing and everyone's eating pancakes, muffins and this, that. And one of the guys looks at me, you know what, I'm looking the part, I'm looking good. And he's like, why are you even here? He's like, you got your egg whites, you got your oatmeal, you look amazing.
• 3:32
  And this guy in rehab who's now passed away goes, dude, Adam's the worst of us. He's a lotsaholic. And I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I'm giggling. What's a lotsaholic? He goes, everything this guy does is extreme. If it's a five o'clock meditation, if it's group counseling, if it's outside 12-step meeting, if it's exercise, if it's nutrition, it's that all in meditation.
• 3:59
  No limit mentality. So what I had to realize, Kelly, something that you and I have that not everyone has is there's a difference between being an alcoholic and an addict, which you're not, and an extremist. I happen to be a both.
• 4:13
  You know, I'm an alcoholic. I mean, trust me, I've gone to a lot of recovery meetings. I've met a lot of people. There's a lot of laziness in those rooms. There's a lot of sloth in those rooms. There's a lot of victimhood in those rooms. But you can be an extremist and not an alcoholic and an addict. I happen to be both.
• 4:31
  This is, again, I hate to keep stealing. I always used to say second's the first loser. So if I'm going to do it, I'm coming to win and I'm going to do it right. So I agree with you, which we skipped a whole part about your business, but people can Google you and figure all that out. And I highly suggest, besides buying the book, Lotsaholic, Google GoToBus.com.
• 4:53
  Instagram and Facebook and all of his handles will be in the show notes. Learn all about Adam. He is the real deal and phenomenal. But I want to skip to your – what was the five-shot drink that you would go to your favorite restaurant? Man, I could so relate to that because I used to go to a restaurant.
• 5:13
  Well, I used to walk into a restaurant right by my house and the valet would drive me home. And I thought that was like the coolest thing. But all they were doing was enabling us. But man, I can, when I was reading both of those stories in the book.
• 5:28
  And when I was reading, I just got chills because I remember walking into my favorite restaurant and them knowing right away to send a scotch over. And they put me in my own booth. And you felt like, oh, King, looking back, clowns. But what was that drink? Sure. So shout out to New York Prime and Jimmy and the whole staff there. So what it was was a brandy sniffer.
• 5:51
  Full of ice, right? So ice in a brandy sifter with at least five shots of Patron Silver, a little – just a taste of Rose's lime juice and a couple of fresh limes. And, you know, the first three or four would be sips. And then after the sips, they turn into gulps. And, you know, you go through two or three of those. And it's a good night.
• 6:13
  Two or three, I would give, my pores were big scotches, and I'd have five or six of those things. Yeah, well, I love to kind of scale it back. Do you know what I mean? Because the truth is, it's somewhere probably for you and I more than five or six and more than two and three. But what I realized was a lot of people, like we're brothers on the podcast. A lot of people can't identify with 15 shots of tequila. As a matter of fact, they're going to be like, you die. So I don't ever want to press people away.
• 6:43
  You know what I mean? Like I never want to, but if they really knew how much the body could take, how much toxicity the body can take, how much you can drink, how many pills you can actually process through your kidneys and liver and pancreas, they'd be shocked.
• 6:58
  The body's very resilient. My dad abused his body for the better part of 30 years before he finally did it in. So, and if you inch it up like we did, the body builds a tolerance like there's no one. That's really why I quit. I just, it wasn't having the same effect. It's like, like I said, I could have six big scotches a night and feel nothing. I'm like, what am I doing here? Why am I even doing this? It's just,
• 7:25
  Blowing money away, which is going to go to my thing. You say it over and over in your book. Quotes, I'm never drinking again. Comment. I said that to myself, no joke, a million times. I bet you our audience resonates with that as well. What would your advice be to the casual drinking person that saying that to themselves more than once? So first, if I was that person.
• 7:51
  Yeah, we both were. Yeah. And I want you to know I get it and I understand. And if you actually go down the rabbit hole like me, it may turn into whack-a-mole. It may be like, okay, here comes up, pop. I got the drinking thing, but Xanax pops up. And then you pop doing the Xanax and now it's supplements. And then boom, you know what I mean? And now it's Oxycontin. And you go, well, I don't want to be on those things. So the drinking comes back up. And now you're mixing, you know, boom, boom, boom. For me –
• 8:22
  I'm never drinking again. I'm never drinking again. I'm never drinking again. These were meaningless statements and prayers. Now looking back on it, what I had to do was surrender.
• 8:32
  I had to let go. So I don't fight it. It's not a fight anymore. What you heard in those statements was a fight. I'm never drinking again. I'm never, I'm never, it was a fight. It was willpower. It was me versus alcoholism, me versus the world. And what I had to do was let go and realize that, A, me specifically, I, I,
• 8:53
  Am an alcoholic, an addict that had to learn about the disease. Alcoholism and addiction. If you're truly an alcoholic, an addict is a disease. It's got four. You need four components to be a disease. You need to be progressive. Get worse over time. Chronic. Always there. Primary, meaning not secondary. And fatal. Right? Now, you take one of those four aspects away and you have a disorder. Right?
• 9:18
  like bipolar disorder or ADD, you know what I mean? You have to take one of those away, but you add all four, and the medical community considers that a disease. I had to come to the conclusion that I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I have a disease. And therefore, if I have a disease, there's a solution to that. And I had to let go, surrender, and lean into getting well rather than fighting it, fighting it, fighting it.
• 9:47
  So I did a little stint in jail during college and they made you go to AA meetings. I don't, a certain part of the criminal justice system is whacked out. They just think that everybody is drugs, full of drugs and alcohol that are felons. So I went to just get out of the jail and I remember a lady telling, who was running the AA meeting saying that if you drink to get drunk regularly, and it can be once a month,
• 10:15
  Whatever it is, it could be that you're technically an alcoholic. Is that you wrote I wrote down chronic. Is this is it what if I go and I get hammered once a week, is that chronic? You know, that's a great question, Kelly. It. It depends on how your life looks like.
• 10:38
  If there's a personality change, if there are consequences to your behaviors and your decisions. You know, listen, I have tons of friends. They go out and get hammered once a week. They're fine.
• 10:51
  You know, they're fine. They go out to the heat game. They do, it's part of their life and they're part of the routine. And by the way, they don't wake up the next morning and crave it. They don't obsess about it. They don't lie about it. They don't have it hiding in different places of the house. It doesn't set off an allergy that makes them just constantly think and obsess about alcohol. It doesn't make them want to go take a stimulant to drink even more.
• 11:15
  So I'd have to say it's, you know, getting to that point of, am I an alcoholic because of this chronic, I do this once a week, that could actually be a bad habit. You know, and there is a difference between a habit, an unhealthy dependency, and alcoholism and addiction. I can grow an unhealthy dependency on anything, bro. If I take vitamin C several days in a row, I won't leave the house on the eighth day until I have that vitamin C.
• 11:43
  You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm nuts. You crack me up. I love that. That's the best. I will not, I take that pre-workout for six days in a row, the seventh day. I'm not working out without the pre-workout. I can go with dependency. Like, great. So it's good to know that there are lines and there are differences between bad habits or habits, unhealthy dependencies, and what an alcoholic and an addict really is. There's a big difference between you and me. I can shut anything off just like that.
• 12:13
  Anything. That's what's the thing about alcohol. I would say to people there would be a day that I'm just going to walk away. And that's what I did. So that's the best definition. I've had a lot of people on this podcast. I've interviewed, I've had conversations with a lot of people that have studied addiction. And not a single person has ever been that.
• 12:34
  kind and compassionate because it's true. What I was expecting you to say is that usually if you're getting drunk once a week, let's just say it usually accelerates from there. It's what I've read and what I've seen. What's your take on that? I would, so this is your show and I'm a guest. Kelly, I would, I would have to say as a compliment to you that you're an anomaly.
• 13:03
  you're an anomaly like Neo in the matrix, right? He was the one. Most people, yes, it will chronically get worse. Or listen, there are many, many times that someone has something happened in life, a death, something tragic, a radical shift. And they just say, you know what? I'm done, this doesn't work for me anymore, this doesn't serve me. But when you're like taking surveys of the population,
• 13:31
  Yeah, you know, nine out of 10 times,
• 13:34
  it's going to progressively get worse or manifest into something else. Like if the alcohol stops working, it could be eating or it could be shopping or porn or over-exercising or some sort of other obsession of the mind. And then there are people like you that have these wonderful radical shifts from so much exposure and so much pain and so much realization that this isn't working for me. And it's like you almost like
• 14:03
  You're the same personality, but you have such clarity that that's, I'm not doing that anymore. A lot of people like myself will just, oh, you know, it's, you know, my answer to life used to be, let's get a bigger hammer. Right. If the eight scotches wasn't working, you know, it's probably going to work the knife. Like that's how, that's how crazy I am. You know what I mean? Like that's not a normal way. That's not a healthy way to think. You had a radical shift.
• 14:30
  it took me an intervention, a treatment center, and learning a whole new way of life and giving a new blueprint for living to help me heal. So just to set the stage, you were running a major, major company that was very, very successful. So you were what I call the functioning alcoholic. And nobody knew it on the outside except that those were very close to you. So that happens. I was the same way.
• 14:58
  Uh, my emotions were a basket case and that's what we're going to get into right now is you spoke of being ashamed of, from being a fat kid when you were young, later in life, your, your daughter was born. You woke up in the middle of the night to soothe her. You then slammed back a few beers. Was that to calm your nerves from working so hard or, uh, was that the fat kid, fat kid syndrome to, so to speak? Was it your...
• 15:23
  Your childhood trauma is what we should probably call it. Not fat kid syndrome. I apologize for that. But that's what you used in your book. So I'm using your words. Yeah. Was it the trauma or was it work or combination of both?
• 15:35
  Yeah, Kel, it's like if you and I were doing a bench press, you know what I mean? Like, well, what made that weight go up? Was it the arms? Was it your actual chest? Was your core tight? Did you have your feet on the floor the right way? Was it, you know what I mean? Was it the psych up before? Like, it's a combination every night. You know what I mean? I can't tell you if it was that day at work, but that day at work was actually triggered from some memory of childhood or childhood.
• 16:02
  I felt like I used to feel like I couldn't live up to my father's and grandfather's shadow. So like, was it something there? Was it something my ex-wife said that triggered something that made me feel inadequate? You know, I wasn't healthy, you know? And so that anxiety and these thoughts and these feelings were just...
• 16:24
  mess. I was just a mess. I wish I could articulate where each of those moments came from, but truly, bro, it was somebody that just didn't have it together.
• 16:37
  I love your answers, Adam. You're just, you articulate them so everybody can understand and relate and you're not forcing it on them. When I first started this process, I was forcing the not drink. I said, you're stupid if you drink. And now it's like, hey, in a minute, you know, there's people that can do it healthily. Yeah.
• 16:55
  We're going to switch gears for just a second. I love love, and your parents are a perfect example of this. You said in your book, Lotsaholic, again, I want to plug this book. It's beautiful. Go out and buy it. That your mother and father met, and they couldn't even communicate. I don't want to steal the thunder, but tell the listeners the full story because it's so beautiful.
• 17:13
  Yeah, dude. So thank you for bringing that up. That's amazing. I'm going to interrupt you again. You're, you're, I meant to tell you, I said, we were talking any, whenever you're going to see them next, just invite me and I'm in. I mean, I want to, I want to go, I want to see them. I want to feel their love. I didn't have parents. And you said you're going to love my dad and they're going to love me. They're going to love you. They're going to love you. Look, I was blessed when it came to that area. You know what I mean?
• 17:46
  That's real, you know? My stuff was in my head, okay? This was, I was an insecure, too sensitive kid.
• 17:56
  And just for people that are listening to this, he's holding up my book, Harder Than Life, and pointing at mine, my book, what I went through. And I will tell you, yeah, the physical part was real, but the mental part I made up just like you did. So that's where we have to do the correlation that people, the lies, the magical lies you're telling yourself in your head to drink are wrong.
• 18:19
  Yeah. So, you know, I came from a very loving family. You know, they were strict on me. They were hard on me. They expected they expected a lot of me, but very loving. And my parents, my mom, let me word this, excuse me, the right way. My mom was a model in Israel and kicking ass. My grandfather, whom I never met, passed away.
• 18:41
  And it was a radical, terrible shift within the whole family. And my mom had to get out of Israel. She just couldn't deal with it. Was Gaga from your mother's side or dad's side? Oh, Gaga's my dad's mom. Okay. We're going to get into her later, but... Absolutely. So...
• 18:58
  My mom comes to the United States and within three days meets my dad. And there's a whole story to that. And my mom doesn't speak a lick of English. She meets this. Your dad's a pimp. Yeah, my dad's this, you know, cowboy from Queens. And they go out with a Hebrew-English dictionary that they still have.
• 19:24
  And they, you know, they were looking at, but there was just so much chemistry and so much love. And six weeks later, my dad proposed. Now, it was still the 70s, you know, yeah, early 70s. So that was still like, people were looking at him like, are you nuts, Bob? Like, you don't even know this girl. She barely speaks English, but they knew something that we didn't know. Every single person that told my dad that he's nuts got divorced.
• 19:54
  So I never tell people how to be, who to be, who to love. Never, never, ever, ever. Because they beat the odds. But that's my parents' love story. How long have they been married? Oh, wow. So I'm 45, 47, 51 years.
• 20:15
  They got it right, man. Kudos to them. Your dad could feel the vibration, and he just knew. That's kind of like what everybody and any personal development person will tell you is. Don't listen to everybody. Listen to your gut, your intuition. That's what tells everything. You were one and done in rehab, correct? Correct.
• 20:34
  One and done. Yeah. Okay. Tell the listeners about the first time in the AA meeting you admitted out loud that you were an alcoholic and addict. Oh, sure. It still gives you the chills 17 years later. Yeah. So, you know, I'm watching. It was actually intriguing, you know, and there was a format, Kel.
• 20:57
  And I see these guys. And my MO is, I got to get the fuck out of here in 10 days. So I'm going to do everything as perfectly as they can, like a soldier. And what they're going to see in 10 days is, there's nothing wrong with this guy. It must be his family. This guy's an animal. You know what I mean? I want to play him.
• 21:17
  And I'm watching this guy. You know, I'm Tony. I'm an alcoholic. And I'm Bruce. And everyone's, I get it, right? Everyone's saying the same thing. I'm an addict. Hi, I'm Matt. I'm an alcoholic. They're saying that right after. So now it comes to me. I think there's cameras on me. I want to get out of this place. So I'm going to be a good soldier. I'm going to be a good soldier.
• 21:42
  You know, I'm going to be a good, I feel like I'm in jail. You know what I mean? I want to get out on good parole. And I say, hi, guys, I'm Adam, and I'm an alcohol candidate. For the first time, it was hard for me to say, actually. It was a shiver within my nervous system. And I was like, I'm an alcohol candidate. Now, at that moment, the weight of the world, a 600-pound gorilla, literally jumped off my shoulders, right?
• 22:11
  And everything made sense. It was like the movie The Sixth Sense with Bruce Willis, if anyone's ever seen. It's an old movie now. But, you know, in the movie, he's a psychologist. And, you know, this kid tells him, I see dead people. And, you know, he's helping the kid. Yeah.
• 22:26
  And, you know, he's but you see him with his wife and there's so much tension. The wife's crying and they're not really talking. At the end of the movie, what happens is Bruce Willis realizes he's dead. And that's why the kids talking to him. I see dead people and the whole movie makes it. And they start wrapping up the whole movie very quickly. And you're like, oh, my God, he's been dead the whole time. Well, the second I said I'm an alcoholic and addict, everything made sense. Oh, my God.
• 22:55
  That's why I got a DUI. That's why I went to jail. That's why I wrote my ex-wife 30 letters that I would quit drinking. That's why I walked my face into the wall that night. That's why everything, like, explained my whole, that's why I went to Arizona State University. That's, like, everything needs. Oh, we're going to get into that. You know, and then, bro, within a second, right? So I get this relief. And then within a second of that relief, Kelly, it goes like this. Ready? Now what?
• 23:20
  How do I entertain clients? How do I watch the Jets game with my dad? How do I see old friends? I mean, alcohol was such a part of my life, I didn't understand how to live. So I went to this relief to then this utter, like, what the fuck is happening? So we're talking a lot about rehab and drugs and alcohol, but...
• 23:46
  this is just life. That's, Adam is a life coach. He's a successful businessman. And if you follow his daily habits and tricks, I don't wanna say tricks, habits and rituals and routines, you will live a very fabulous alignment life. But I'm gonna read something to you, Adam, that was in your book that just absolutely resonated with me and it should resonate with people that are functioning right now in their lives.
• 24:15
  I explained, this is me reading right from the book. I explained how ASU offered amazing weather, gorgeous women, and of course, alcohol and drugs. I pledged a fraternity and went to parties and lots of bars and clubs. I dibbled and dabbled with this and that, but nothing was like alcohol for me. I love to drink, man. If I ever took a narcotic or hallucinogenic, it was really just so I could drink more. You see body...
• 24:37
  Building my body was great, but it never cured my underlying insecurities. But the alcohol relaxed me. It turned me into Mr. Cool. I wasn't constantly worried about how I looked, what I was saying, or how I said it. Alcohol was the best confidence builder I knew. A couple of cocktails and yo, the man was here. I could schmooze with the best of them and I could talk to anyone, anytime.
• 25:01
  You want to meet the hottest girl in the room? No problem. You want to skip the line to go in the club? I'm your man. I combined that fake confidence with outgoing personality in my muscles, and I turned into Ferris Bueller. Everyone loved me, and I loved everyone. What could go wrong with alcohol? It was my best friend. You just described my life. I live that life now sober. Don't need alcohol to do it. Turns out I was that freaking, I'm always that idiot. I just had to.
• 25:32
  I just had to heal that childhood trauma that didn't want me to drink. And I still that idiot that cuts the lines at the bars and says, goes up and talks to anybody and anybody. Tell me how you did it. Tell me about just what, what did that say? What did that make you feel when I just read that to you? I loved it. I loved it. It made me feel understood. It made me feel like we're bonding together right now.
• 25:58
  Sure. I had a word. It was, you know what made me? I fit in. Yeah. That was, how many times have I said to you,
• 26:08
  I like you because I can identify with you and the people that I've met through you are all, I don't fit in. I belong. Yeah, you're a part of it now. I remember yesterday or the day before. And listen, I'm not a language guy, Kel. So if you say trick, I don't care. But I remember you saying tribe and certain words will get me. And I'm like, no, man, you have a family now. I've seen tribes break up. I've seen guys say I got my tribe and it's like two years later, they're not hanging.
• 26:37
  But us down here, bro, you have a family. Why do you say that? We all think the same way and we all don't. Oh, no, I was messaging with Matt this morning. He's jumping in an ice tub. I go, you're insane. He goes, yep, takes one to know one. Yeah, yeah. I'll be down there to jump in. We'll film it. But let me tell you, Matt will, you know, if you said, Matt, I need you.
• 27:03
  he'll be there. He'll be the first one there. These are the people down here. They're really honest. Their integrity is the highest I've ever met and they'll do anything to help another person.
• 27:20
  Bro, there are no coincidences because I thought we met through our mutual friend, Mike Diamond. But you just found me on social media. We connected. You invited me down to your mastermind. I'm down there in a second. Walk in, give you a hug and kiss like we've known each other forever. We've talked every other day since. And you're going to come up here and take over the Harder Life podcast and interview me. I'm so excited to have you. I want you to meet my daughter. Hey, Joe, I'm going to say this out loud.
• 27:46
  I mean, this is good for you to know of how much I care about you. So I don't know. Everyone's wired different. My dad, he is great at this. Emily, he's great. She's great at this. You may be great at this. I'm not good with the phone. If I'm picking up the phone or if I'm making a call, that means I really care about you and love you.
• 28:04
  Because like it's not – I'm not a phone guy. You know what I mean? And that's a flaw in my character. It's a flaw in me. So when I can do it, that's my way of saying – like it's my own weird way of saying I love you. To everyone else, it's like, no, it's just a phone call. But it's like, no, I don't do that. You know what I mean? So you don't do something and then you start doing it? That's an expression of love.
• 28:29
  And I feel it. I receive that because I want to know. For me, it's the simplest and easiest things that mean the most to me because I got nothing as a child. Nothing. I mean, no food, no love, no support, nothing. So if you just show me that I matter in the littlest ways, I am grateful. And you'll be receptive. What did you say? I got too much food. Yeah.
• 28:56
  Now I eat like crazy. But all right, you also said in your book that you hated yourself and that taking care of yourself sounded like the most uncomfortable, painful, exhausting task. This feels all too familiar. Please explain because there are many people out there that are feeling this way. So at that time, Kelly, and I can get into that part of my personality.
• 29:25
  I would do anything for you. And if I loved you, I would show you. I would – you could call it people-pleasing. You can call it a Superman complex. You can – any of these things, you know, because they were all in me. And it depended on what time of the day. But when you wanted me to get quiet, get still, and focus and work on me, I'm a piece of shit. You know what I mean? Like –
• 29:49
  I'm not worth it. There's way better people out there. Way better. Doing way better things with real purpose and real missions and real values and standing up for human rights and doing it. I'm making lace. I'm running a schmata business. I didn't see things clearly. I didn't think I was worth anything.
• 30:13
  Oh, that's what I just wrote down. I said, didn't think you were enough. Isn't it so weird? So weird how I grew up with nothing, didn't think I was nothing. You grew up with everything. And yet we ended up in the same freaking place. Their thoughts are magical lies, how we interpret them. So if you're sitting at home and you're thinking the same thing and you can't stand still,
• 30:41
  Sit in your shit, man. Sit in your shit. It ain't what you think it is. That's the best advice I can give you. There's a beautiful shift for you and I, if you don't mind me saying. Please go. You're way more experienced at this than I am. I think that part of our personality, I'm never going to bring up a name, but I know a lot. Look, this space that we're in expanded very quickly.
• 31:07
  I didn't know that, or I probably wouldn't have got into it. That feeling that you and I had of I'm a piece of shit, I wanna help others. And then we started healing our part. What I've seen is there's a lot of people over here where it's like they need that constant fucking validation and significance, constant. When I walked in the room, do you know what they said about me? Do you know me? And I'll look at them, Kel, and I'll be like,
• 31:35
  You got it so fucking backwards. You're not, you know, post as much as you want. Do as much as you want. You are going to burn out because it's not, it's, you think it's about you. You know, you and I don't have that. We came from a different, we don't even, we didn't even think we were worth it.
• 31:56
  You know what I mean? And we had to work on that inner, that inside job to really help. And that's the key. When you work on that and then you start, and then you, you know, I don't get my validation from positive mental attitude and constantly rewiring my brain and thinking and growing, which I get it from when I do an esteemable act and I help you, I fucking feel good. It's extremely selfish.
• 32:24
  You know what I mean? I feel wonderful when I can help you get to your goals, get to your needs, and then we all win. You know what I mean? And I think that – so I think what you and I experienced became a superpower for us. I think the fact that we didn't feel like we were worth it made us now go, okay, other people can relate to that.
• 32:50
  I'm going to speak for me and not you. I looking back, as you said, hindsight is 20, 20. Looking back, I, if I was helping somebody else, the onus wasn't on me and my issue. My people wouldn't notice that I didn't love myself and they didn't notice that I have my shit together. So if I'm over here helping you, we're distracting. And that's a common thing I've read a lot about. What is your experience with that? Because the next question is change your thoughts, change your life from Wayne Dyer.
• 33:20
  Yeah, absolutely. So I actually got into a vicious cycle of this where there was more healing to be done, but I was clean and sober. So what I wanted to do was help the next person constantly, constantly, constantly get clean and sober because I wasn't ready to look at some of the – I just wasn't there. I wasn't there. So let me keep going to the bottom of the barrel and helping these guys get to where I'm at so I don't have to go up.
• 33:49
  And it works until it doesn't. It works until it doesn't. And look, I told you I would tell you about anything and share about everything. I'm a slow learner.
• 34:05
  I was so grateful. I was so grateful to be clean and sober, happy and sober, that I had a very difficult time expressing that I was miserable in my marriage. And I would mask, I would mask myself.
• 34:25
  my unhappiness with she saved my life. She helped with the intervention. She spoke truth to me. I would always put these accolades and these wonderful attributes to her to not look at what was really happening between us. So I was grateful to be sober. I was grateful to be alive. I was grateful to be able to help somebody. I was grateful to run a family business. I was, I was grateful. I was grateful that for my children, I was grateful, grateful, grateful,
• 34:55
  And I didn't have enough emotional sobriety or emotional integrity to say something here is not what we haven't touched each other in four weeks. Like all we talk about is Fox News. Like something's missing. What was missing? There's one word. Intimacy. Vulnerability. Intimacy.
• 35:19
  Yeah, all of that, right? All of you. I told you. Listen, there's Tonys against me on this. I am not a word guy. You know, I can say vulnerability, intimacy. Like, I would never challenge you. I think they're all saying the same thing. I could say hi to you, and it could literally be like, oh, my God, Adam loves me. Like, it feels like he hasn't seen me in two years. And I could say hi to somewhere else, and it would be like, he fucking – like, the high will really feel like, go fuck yourself.
• 35:48
  You know, words for me are meaningless.
• 35:51
  You know, so it's all of that. It's that vulnerability. It's that intimacy. It's that connection. I just think everything starts with vulnerability. When you do vulnerability, everything goes downhill from there. Because that's where you get your connection. That's where you get your communication. That's where you get your trust. All starts there. Brene Brown's on to it when it comes to that. I applied to do a TED Talk about that very thing. So we're going to stay on this topic of your now ex-wife shortly later.
• 36:19
  into rehab, your then wife called and expressed how hard you being away was on her. And as a man, of course, you tried to fix it. And she yelled at you to listen. This advice is paramount for the fellas listening. So please, AJ this for them.
• 36:37
  Yeah. So, you know, first off, I was obsessing about my ex-wife and my daughter. All I could say was their names. I couldn't stop thinking about how I let them down, how I'm not there. By the way, I go to rehab in July. So it's hurricane season in Florida. I'm thinking, like, who's going to put the shutters up if something comes? I'm just I couldn't be here now.
• 37:02
  focusing on me and then I'm an alcoholic and an addict in recovery. I'm worrying about that. They want me in here, but I'm worried. That was your coping mechanism. That makes sense. Looking back. So I'm trying to say that metaphor is if you're sitting at home and you're always busy and you're always important and you're always projecting, there could be some issues there. Again, one finger pointing away, three pointing right back at you. So sorry. Keep going.
• 37:30
  No, no, no. This is great. This conversation is beautiful. So I call. And she's expressing the difficulties that are going on, especially, you know, being a single mom. And I just want to do everything I can to fix it and to show that I'm a man and to provide all that macho stuff. And all she wanted me to do was listen and understand.
• 37:59
  And that, again, was a weakness in my character. That's real communicating. Like, it's okay to just listen and understand where somebody is and not have to fix it. Do you realize how hard you are on yourself still? You call everything a character defect. You're human. I know you think you're Superman, but you're human. You know, I like showing people where I have to grow.
• 38:26
  And I like showing people my human side and that there's more to work to be done. And what's happened for me is something between, I mean, Kelly, you have it, so it's not bravado. Something between the look and the charisma and the muscles and the way to articulate. People identify with me more when I admit my flaws and my pain.
• 38:53
  Rather than, do you know who I know? Do you know what I've done? Do you know the stages I've been? Do you know that I have this? And me, me, me, me, me. Like people will just be like, get the fuck out of here. Really? Adam, you just said it again. Vulnerability, bro. You keep making that vulnerability claim. Talk about the hidden anger.
• 39:16
  that perhaps was one of the root causes of the drinking and how you overcame it. Because this hits home, we had this conversation last night, like in the last month I overcame some serious anger, I would call it rage toward my mother
• 39:31
  It was blocking me for love, but not to drink. So, you know, you seem to follow in the same footsteps that I have. And I can say that because I'm a little bit older than you. So tell me about that. Tell me about that anger. What was it, 16? Come on, six months. Listen, baby brother. Yeah, 16 years older. I'll give it to you. All right, so.
• 39:57
  You know, again, for anyone listening to this, it's... Hold on a second. By the way, that's why we... I'm pretty sure that's why we both lift so heavy, was to build that big exterior to say we're not angry because that's where you're going to go into, and I want people to understand that. This exterior, I can speak for me, and I think I'm speaking for you, is all part of the shtick. Yeah, absolutely. And a part of me not feeling like that fat kid anymore and that insecure kid and...
• 40:26
  You know, I remember, Kelly, no bullshit. I remember being a chubby, chubby, chubby, chubby kid going with my parents to Washington, D.C. And it was a vacation, and my dad just asked me. It was past my bedtime. He said, you want to watch Rocky? I didn't know who Rocky was. And it was Rocky III, and Stallone was shredded. I mean, it was the first time I saw somebody look like this, him against Mr. T. And I remember just thinking to myself,
• 40:55
  You know, if I look like that, all my problems would go away. Now, that 10-year-old kid made a decision that stayed with me till I was 30. If I look like that, all my problems will go away. So an 11-year-old kid from Jersey was running a 30-year-old man's life.
• 41:23
  It was a decision. I didn't know. I mean, you know, some people say, you know, there's 10 commandments, right? There's 10 commandments from God. Well, my first commandment was if I can look like Rocky Balboa, then my life will be good. Then it will be thou shalt not kill. I have 11 commandments, right? Mine starts as if I can look like Sylvester Stallone, my life will have no problems. I made a decision at 11, and it was literally putting a 30-year-old man's life into a grave.
• 41:54
  Into a grave. Fat burners, ephedrine, protein shake, drinking like a fit, you know what I mean? Like this kid made a decision and this maniac all these years later and it's not working and the anger.
• 42:10
  I thought anger was an unhealthy emotion. And I don't know if I was taught it through watching Family or watching how Michael Corleone used his savvy in The Godfather. But, like, you know, you don't want to get me angry. I remember it was like the Hulk. Like, you don't want to get me angry. That's the last place you want to get me. That's how I used to envision it. Like, to get angry, you need to be pushed to that degree. And then the green guy comes out.
• 42:41
  And really the hardest thing for me in my life was I felt that I was never given a real fair shot or an opportunity to create my own life. This family business was a blessing and a curse. And it was the first child. I was the second child. My daughter, my sister was the third child. And this thing consumed all of our lives. All of it.
• 43:08
  And when I was asked to take over the family business, I was 13, 14, you can ask my parents, but I saw a radical shift from Jersey to Florida. And you know, I could,
• 43:23
  I could get the Michael Jordan sneakers now, you know, and they were the top shelf at Foot Locker before. I mean, I wouldn't even look at those things. I mean, like, you know, and we didn't have the Buick in the station wagon anymore. My dad was driving home in like a Lexus and a BMW. Like things change. We had a pool. And when they asked me, my dad was offered a lot of money for his business back then. And they looked at me like, unless you want it.
• 43:50
  Now, what I realized, now looking back, what I'm realizing is they were processing all of this, and they needed something to just also give them the, like, no, no, no. We have a legacy here. They weren't trying to put the way of the world on me. What they were trying to do was making me feel included. But it didn't feel like that to me. I knew what they wanted to hear. And the day I said, like, this is how my brain is processing it.
• 44:13
  I can have Michael Jordan sneakers. I can go, look at the BMW in the garage. Now we have a pool. But I'm negotiating with myself and a 13-year-old buyer. I was like, yeah, of course. And the day I said that, it felt like I made a deal with the devil. And there was this inside anger in me that I just felt like I never got a shot at the title. Man, I resonate with that in all different ways. Even...
• 44:42
  Even the fat kid comment. Mine was, I didn't even write this in the book because I completely forgot about it until I read it in your book. I was called Smurf, literally. I was so short and so small. So I built my body up and would beat everybody up that would say that. Everybody. And then I got a reputation of being a tough guy that everybody feared, and I like that. So, boy, it's funny. We walked a similar path, but a couple of,
• 45:10
  a couple of highways over, so to speak. Yeah, yeah. Yours was definitely, I would say, emotionally very similar. Yours physically, and I'd like to say reality, was harder.
• 45:25
  It's not a competition, but I will tell you, I'm still battling it. I mean, you hear me. There's certain times I call you and you can hear me be quiet. And if I'm quiet, I'm processing something. You can see the smoke coming out of my ears. And something's not feeling quite right. And I question everything that doesn't feel right because I don't.
• 45:44
  I trust myself, but I don't trust that feeling anymore because that feeling is what led me down the drinking path. And so I question, is that really the correct feel? And I sit in it. And then you're so similar to me, I want to bounce it off of you.
• 46:01
  I'm just a learn-it-all man. I want to help people. I want to make a difference. And I want to leave a legacy. I want my daughter to be proud of me. And I'm going to donate a lot of money from this. So...
• 46:17
  You know, that's very simple. I do everything I say I'm going to do like you do. And there's a little bit of still maniac in me where I, you know, I get up at four 30, four 15 and I never miss a workout. I, I never miss a meditation. I, you know, like you do, I'm always early. I say what I'm, I do what I say I'm going to do. And then some, so. Yeah, we had a great conversation. This is so good for other people that, that know you are listening where, uh,
• 46:46
  Kelly came down to the Hero Mastermind, and he was still up early, and he went for a beautiful walk on the beach. But his brain is like my brain. He's like, well, I didn't train today. And I'm like, dude, you walked like three, five miles on the beach. Like our brains are so wired. Like to a lot of people, taking that many miles to walk on the beach early in the morning is a workout. We're just so programmed, right? You know what I mean? We're crazy people.
• 47:14
  We're crazy people. Like, no, you still worked out. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, but you still moved your body, you know? Well, I'll take it a step further. I'm looking at this beautiful sunrise and thinking I'm not worthy. Like, what did I do to be there completely present, sober, and full of gratitude? And I started crying.
• 47:37
  And I've never had feelings like that before. So I'm only four and a half years into this and I'm still processing this. I wake up every morning. And the first thing that I'm grateful for is that I'm alive and that I'm present and I'm sober. It sounds stupid, but I remember I wake up every morning just a little bit groggy, even if I only had my six scotches or if I had 30 and it was, when am I going to start drinking again to get rid of this fricking hangover? So yeah,
• 48:07
  I put a post up recently about the worst day sober is better than the best day partying. And somebody just unfollowed me and actually said, I love that release content until he said this. And I replied to him and I said,
• 48:21
  it can't my truth be my truth. And I thought about it cause I woke up, I skipped the gym this, this morning. I was tired. I didn't, I didn't feel great. So I skipped my whole morning routine cause I wanted to be completely relaxed for you. And I'm going to go, don't think for a second, I'm not going right after this, but, uh, I skipped my home and I, I just, where was I going with this? It was that, um, Oh, that,
• 48:48
  I just, I'm not feeling so great this morning. You could hear it in my voice last night. I sat at home and I finished your book and I was processing this and what we're going to say. And just so much going on. And I'm just, so I woke up today, not in the greatest mood. So I went through my gratitude and I skipped the gym. And where I'm going with this is that I said, today is not a good day. Wow.
• 49:09
  And it's still better than if I would have been rocking it out last night with all my so-called party friends. And I was grateful. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be here with you. And I laughed because it was just so fitting. Again, I said there are no coincidences. There are no coincidences that some guy unfollowed me because of that. And it was exactly what I was going through at that very moment. So I had to take a second to stop and acknowledge that.
• 49:38
  It is. It was the God's honest truth, Adam. Which is kind of where the next question, explain a little bit of hanging to me. It's such a good story. Dude, I haven't been asked that in a long time. It's probably not politically correct anymore, but this is the hard of the life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's real, right? So this was taught to me by Father Ron Bursch of, you know, and
• 50:07
  What the theme of this little bit of a hanging was the idea that Abraham Lincoln said to somebody, a mother pleaded, pleaded, please don't take my son's life. You know what I mean? And Abraham Lincoln pardoned the young man. He goes, I wish we could have given him a little bit of a hanging, right? Like just a, and what he was trying to teach me was,
• 50:37
  to kill familiarality, right? Do not let things become so familiar in your life that you become routine and that everyday life becomes this monotonous, boring, ungrateful process. So you actually, Kelly, may have the best day of your life,
• 51:05
  I remember him telling me, books will go unread. You read. People will go through your life. You won't tell them you love them. You do that. Movies will go unwatched. You take care of that. You know what I mean? Like things, when you're familiar with your life,
• 51:20
  You just take everything for granted. And that's what a little bit of a hanging is. If you feel like you're this close to dying, if you could die today, if someone's going to tell us, the Lord, Kelly and Adam, listen, we know you think you're in a bad mood today, but I got to tell you something. You're not waking up tomorrow.
• 51:42
  That's a little bit of a hanging. Are you sure you want to take that story in your last day? We're going to be like, whoa! We're going to get our daughters. We're going to decide we'll go to Bali. We'll do something. You shift it. It's a little bit of a hanging. It's a little bit. It's funny that you say that because even though I feel I'm way down in the healing journey and I'm obviously –
• 52:02
  not going to drink or drug ever again. That's why I really shifted up my normal routine. That's why I didn't go to the gym this morning. I want to switch things up a little bit. I'm going to go to a different gym when I leave here. I'm going to go take the afternoon off. I'm meeting with another personal development person who's been chasing me down. And I just wanted to switch things up, even though my routine works. I'll never get rid of it. So we're coming up against it, Adam, and I want to rip through. I got so many more questions. I had so many more things that I want to go through.
• 52:29
  What I interpret that little bit of hanging too is what's unique about you, your story and mine is that neither one of us, I'm going to say this hit rock bottom. You could say that having an intervention is rock bottom, but you didn't screw up your whole life. You didn't get a DUI. You didn't run somebody over. It was one of your stories.
• 52:52
  You know, yes, we did collateral damage. Yes, we probably took some years off our life, but you didn't hit that proverbial rock bottom. So I think a little bit of hanging also could mean getting a little. Once you look at the signs and you get a little bit of trouble, pay attention to the signs of the universe and get some help and maybe change this. What do you call it? Harmful behaviors or toxic behavior. What do you term it?
• 53:16
  Well, that was a thing that I thought was great for our conversation that you just, as you're growing your audience, that I know a lot of people like to talk about toxicity, right? Because a lot of people, what I have found, excuse me, what I have found is sometimes people be like, I don't have an alcohol and a drug problem, but they have these toxic behaviors, right? And toxic's a word, unhealthy, whatever.
• 53:47
  eight scotches and eight patrones, but they can identify with this constant thought that I'm not good enough. So if I buy this on Amazon or if I do this or, you know, whatever it is,
• 54:02
  Yeah, I would say that it also probably can't resonate with the 430 workouts or the everyday workouts or the 5K every day like you do, but they resonate with being out of alignment. If you're out of alignment, you keep asking yourself the same question every single day. Jump off the merry-go-round before you puke. It's time to get on the freaking roller coaster because life has ups and downs. So join us because here's the best part of being in the down. You know an up is coming right after it. But if you're on that merry-go-round, it's the same thing every day. Ugh, puke. I'm going to...
• 54:32
  we got about 10 minutes and I'm going to freaking whip through a bunch of questions. George, what's your overall message? Rapid fire. Rapid fire. What's your overall message, Adam? What do the listeners need to take away from this podcast? Oh, that's a great, wow. Okay. The, my overall message is that there is what I believe a hero within all of us. And, and, and it can be ignited at any time.
• 55:01
  And when you do that, you know, the night you can literally live. People are living in reality, Kelly. And then there's us. We're living in a higher reality, a beautiful reality, a gorgeous reality. I love that you say that. I struggle with saying that, you know, so it's a high, not a higher. Like we're better, not better, higher. It there's, there's, there's energies coming. There's grace, there's love, there's forgiveness. It's a higher, it's higher.
• 55:29
  And so my, my, my mission would be to ignite that hero within each person and for them to live in a higher reality where they can get all the blessings of life and not just maybe the money or not just the girl or not just the body or not just, you know, the whole way. Have them all. You're right. You're right. Wait, I just realized this. I'm a terrible friend, but you have a monthly mastermind that they can join to get more of you is where, where do they find out about that?
• 55:57
  Yeah, well, look, that's, that's great. So we just had the first one. We just launched the first mastermind. You were there. Thank you. And it was a success. Everything will be posted on, you know, Instagram or everything's Adam Java, right? So it's easy to find. No, you have a, don't you have a monthly membership that you do calls? Oh yeah, I have the Hero League. I have the Hero League. I love it. I do the Hero League. Do you want me to come speak on one of those one time?
• 56:22
  Anytime, brother. Dude, that's awesome. The hero. As a matter of fact, I have a hot seat one that I think you'd be great where you can. So basically what would happen is one of the members would ask a question and you can go in and really get into it with them. Or I have a hot seat one or I also have another one where you could actually just come and tell your story. And both work.
• 56:47
  So guys, if you want more of Adam, go join his Hero League. That is awesome. It's very affordable. I think it's $50 a month. Yeah, it's a low ticket, man. This is just about helping people.
• 56:58
  But I'm telling you, I'm a part of several of these, and they're just fun. The energy that exchanges, you know, what does Dr. Joe say? The brain cells that fire together wire together. And when you're around lots of positive energy, people doing high-energy things, you're going to do high-energy things. It's like the drinking friends. Misery loves company. The opposite is true as well. So please join that, and I'm going to rapid-fire again. If you were offered a mulligan in life, what would you do over it?
• 57:28
  Nothing. Didn't expect another answer. What are your non-negotiables? You know, I hear that term thrown around a lot. Standards is what I call them. What are my standards? You gotta be this tall to ride the ride.
• 57:57
  All too often, Adam, I let too many people have access to me that shouldn't have had access to me. My non-negotiable would be, I cannot negotiate on this, is that is my love for God, my love for my family chosen in blood, and my love for my recovery. Those are not negotiable. Everything else I can, I can, you know, I've learned to grow.
• 58:27
  I can take a day off. I can do things. I'm a work in progress, but my love for you, my love for my family, my love for God, my love for my recovery, that is not negotiable. Can't wait to meet your kids, man. You send me these pictures of them all the time. I love it. Yeah, Ozzy really wants to meet you.
• 58:51
  I'm nuts. It's just, I'm cut from a different cloth and I love it. If you could create one universal law that we all have to follow, what would it be and why? I think Christ said it the best. Love thy brother as thyself. Might be the best answer. I love you so much it's not even funny. And you know what I love about that one, bro? Is that it teaches you that you have to love yourself.
• 59:17
  Right? Like there's two commandments in one. Like it's love thy brother as I said. So if you don't love yourself, you're obviously going to be a prick to somebody else. You know, I didn't notice that second part of the commandment until you wrote it in your book. So all of this is in his book. So buy his book, Lotsaholic. I missed that. And I've read the Bible several times. That one I missed. It should have been the reverse order. In the book, it was taught to be. Yeah. Yeah. What's the most important decision you've ever made in your life?
• 59:50
  to get clean and sober. No doubt. Your wife made that decision too, but that's, she's a good woman. What's next? Yeah, I don't know, but I can't wait. I could tell you what's next. You and me on the stage with capes. You ever invite me to something to talk? I won't shut up.
• 1:00:20
  Well, I told you, we had met right before this. I would have asked you for that one. Do you know what I mean? And what I also learned, Kelly, was I had too many speakers. Do you know what I mean? Like, they were like, you know, everyone was like, we kind of want a little more of you. But I'm like, I asked, I, this is my, I want to highlight, it's a mastermind. It's not an Adam Javelin performance, you know?
• 1:00:42
  There wasn't a single person there that wasn't fire. And I'm not saying that to, you know, me, I would tell you if somebody, every single person I connected with, I've actually, they're all going to be on the podcast. We connected emotionally and it was well worth the price of admission. And I liked that it was a Friday, Saturday, because anybody that's going to take a Saturday is definitely serious about this stuff.
• 1:01:05
  Can I add a part to the what's next? Is that okay? Of course. Again, not always about me. So, and I know we got to cut it. I got it. I got it. Um,
• 1:01:14
  We got five minutes. We're good. My mentor is like he's a spiritual father. It's a very special, unique relationship. His name is Dion DiMucci. He's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He's beloved by Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon, you name it. Quincy Jones. They're making a Broadway play about his life called The Wanderer from the guys that did Jersey Boy. He's a legend.
• 1:01:38
  And we have a book coming out this year called Conversations with Dion by Adam Javlin and Dion DiBucci. And you get to, it's a book that you get to see us together and what it's like of real mentorship and what it's like from somebody to pass down that love and pass down that experience and how I lived it in my life and gave it to my kids. And I've never been more proud of anything. I've never been more proud of anything I did other than my children because that's how much I love this man.
• 1:02:07
  You know, and honestly, to me, he is the hero project. You know, he's... When will that be out? It'll be probably before Christmas is what we're thinking.
• 1:02:18
  Okay, we'll make sure that we'll have you both back on. Please. If I come down there and we shoot this remotely, we'll talk about it because I love reading the book and doing a book review. And I will tell you, I met Dion. He's amazing. And that brings up a final point I want to say is you're not alone and you can't do this alone. Superman didn't do it alone. Batman didn't do it alone. Nobody does this alone. So find your family.
• 1:02:48
  and get in alignment and live your dreams. Adam, how can I personally support you? Oh, you already have. You already have. We're doing it together, man. We're doing it together. How can I personally support you? Dude, just give me love what you're doing, the little things, the text messages, the pictures of your son and your daughter. I just...
• 1:03:14
  I didn't have any of that, man, and it means the world to me, and I love it. I can't get enough love, and I'm getting it from you. From Mike Diamond to myself to Matt Williams to Scott Jeffries to DM. Dude, these people are the real deal. I appreciate it.
• 1:03:35
  We got to wrap this up. Please rate and share this podcast. Also, I do my best to respond to the comments on all social platforms. So if you want to see more of something or less of something, leave a comment. Each and every episode is sponsored by National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. And until next time, be harder than life.
• 1:04:00
  Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.