Latest / Pete Vs Anxiety!!!!! / Why Self-Kindness and Baby Steps Are Your Secret Superpowers

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Why Self-Kindness and Baby Steps Are Your Secret Superpowers · Pete Vs Anxiety!!!!!

• Pete: episode of Pete Frick Society. My guest today is a positive energy expert, mindset successful strategist, the creator of the Daily Decision and the author of the award winning book, Six Steps to a Fewer Days that Suck Less. Please welcome in the one, only Deborah Mallow. Deborah, thank you so much for being here today. Ever wish you had someone to talk to anytime, anywhere, matter what you're going through? Meet PsychPAL, your 24-7 AI companion, designed to help you process your thoughts, calm your mind, and keep you moving forward. Chat anytime during a panic attack on a restless night or just when you need to vent. Prefer talking instead of typing? Try voice journaling. PsychPAL listens, transcribes, and truly understands. You can even upload screenshots of tough conversations, and it'll help you unpack how they made you feel. PsychPAL keeps life organized, too. Deborah Mallow: you, Pete. ⁓ it's awfully snowy here. So it's good to be here in the warm weather, in the warm environment, anyhow. ⁓ Pete: Right? Exactly. So Debra, for everybody that doesn't know who you are, why don't you tell them little bit more of yourself? I know you've been on like a monster amount of things like Fox and all the other things. Like Debra's list of things that she's been on, let me tell you guys, is an amazing feat beyond that. But she's here today hanging out with us and we are so grateful to have you. So why don't you lay it on them, Debra? Tell them all about yourself. peter: Show ⁓ Pete: It can add appointments to your calendar, track your mood, and even summarize your sessions for your therapist so you'll never lose progress. Plus, built-in crisis resources are always just one click away. It's a privacy-first, constantly evolving, made to complement your professional care, not replace it. Ready to try it out? Head over to the link in this episode and use my code, Pete, at checkout to get 20 % off your first month subscription to PsychPAL. PsychPAL, because your mind deserves a companion too. Deborah Mallow: Well, as you know, Pete, my main reason for being on podcasts, TV, writing articles is really to make a ripple, to make a difference because I understand, as many people do, that life is messy. Nothing is perfect and there's no magic bullet. But once we gain awareness about what's bringing us down, we don't try to fix. everything at once, but small steps. And that's what I teach and I talk about is small steps at a time to make little changes, just to make life a little bit better, to live in your sunshine, to find your inner sunshine and your joy. And that's why I'm so excited to be here talking to you, because I just want everybody out there that's listening to give themselves a hug, because it really starts with self. kindness and self-acceptance, because we're never going to be perfect, as I said. So I just want everybody to take a deep breath let's try to be happy together because that's what I'm about. Pete: I love the idea of the baby steps thing. So you always think of, what is it, what about Bob? know how he uses like baby steps on the elevator, baby steps off the elevator. That's always what I think of when everybody says small steps. I'm always thinking of that movie every time because it's true though, because it's just those little steps. You're not asking people to make a big leap. You're like, hey, listen, we're going to make some small steps here, little small ones. So like, I'm not asking you to commit to much. know, and with nowadays, I think that works best with people that we want it now kind of thought process of everything. You know, like we want it fast, we want it quick. We can get everything ready at the internet, our fingertips. So I think the way you're adapting it to it makes perfect sense to people because you're giving them that little daily little movements of like, Hey, let's do a little bit of here today and just keep building on this thing little by little. Because, know, I think that that's what we lack these days is positivity, you know, that mindset of, know, just being nice to each other. And that's hard for most people to do. It's just crazy. Like how many people you get into now, because with the internet, you have all these negativity just swirling, you know, and then that one bit of positivity gets drowned out by all the negativity, you know, and it's just crazy. Deborah Mallow: It's really true when I talk about letting go of the toxic, it's not mean to not let the negative in or to separate yourself from people that bring you down because honestly, for ourselves, when we feel better, we do better, we're nicer to the people that we're with, able to deal with these emotions that cause Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: the anger and the frustration ⁓ our worry. It's not gonna be perfect. There was still worries, but how to manage it and manage fear and anxiety and stress ⁓ all those things slowly over time. ⁓ call it flipping the script. And when the ⁓ thoughts, the worry, the fear, all those things, the anxiety come in, ⁓ changing it up and flipping it so that you bring in something positive. We distract from the negative, from the worry, the fear, and we just allow ourselves to pause a minute to reflect and think before going down rabbit holes. Because who is this for? It's serving us. And once we feel better, like I said, we're better for the people around us and we don't lash out because I know what that's about. And I don't ever want to do that again, but Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: Did it happen overnight? No. But being, like I said, aware and conscious of what you're doing, it becomes easier to flip the script. And what I love to say is, I always love to bring in the science, the why behind it. Our brains thrive on patterns. So the more we create these positive patterns, we flip the script to something more positive, we start to make these habits, these patterns that stick. Rather than making the bad habits the negative takeover, we start to focus more on the positive. And I always say don't discredit the strategy until you try it. Really. Pete: That's the key word in that sense, until you try it. I think that's a lot of people's things. They like to dismiss things faster than just giving it a shot. And like you said, the way you're doing it is just like a little bit each day. I always help you do positive affirmations every day. know, like during the worst mood possible, like, listen, trust me, it'll build. do it a little by little. Just find something positive and stick to that. OK, well, I got out of bed today. There you go. There's your positive affirmation for the day. You got out of bed, you're doing something, you know, and just build on that each day. I'm not asking you to sit here and change your thought process overnight. Deborah Mallow: Uh-huh. Pete: because we all know that's not possible, especially people with anxiety, like you were saying, you got to change how you're looking at things. And a lot of times, know, a lot of stuff I do, that's what I'm doing. basically like, if I'm over there, like a lot of people look at me weird. So like, I look off, sometimes I'll start talking to myself and it's because I'm getting the thoughts out because when I'm telling myself is I'm putting the thoughts out there and I'm realizing how stupid they sound to me. Like, think about what you're saying, like the logic of what's going on here and how it's really not happening with anxiety though, as you know, it just likes to recreate itself. And then for me, mine just kind of like, likes to take and run off like a little kid on a sugar rush. Oh, here we go. You know, so be doing these little things actually helped me stay in control of everything possible. You know, to everybody else, looks really strange what I'm doing. And there are some people ask me and some people don't ask me like, are you talking to yourself? Yeah, I am actually, you know, the reason why I'm doing it is because I'm just getting the thoughts out. And I tell people, you know, it's easier that way. You write, you could, you could journal. You could, you know, do it and do whatever you want. have friends, I send weird video sound clips to where I'm just unloading everything. I call it downloading my brain. just download my whole brain into a voice clip and I go on with my day and then it doesn't have to make sense. You know, and you could just hear the random thoughts and it's just one continuous stream of verbal, it's just going it doesn't have to make sense guys. It really doesn't, you know, and it's just, it's so much easier for me, but I mean like that works for me, but for everybody else, you know, you just have to find those things that work, you know, like Debra said, just little steps each day, man. It's not like she's asking you to do much. You know what I mean? It's really not. So which leads into my question about the book. Like, how did you even, what was the first moment you realized that this book would be something effective for people? Deborah Mallow: Well, it wasn't made for, I really didn't write it for anybody but myself because I, and then I want to also talk about morning routines with you because it's really helpful. going back to the book, so I was a high performer at an iconic brand. I was like number one sales rep over and over again. And I love my job. I love the people I called on. was, that was the joyous part, but. Pete: Yeah, definitely. Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: It's what we do to ourselves succeed or no work life balance, all of those things. And you slowly start to lose, as I say, your sunshine, but it's your joy, your sparkle. ⁓ ⁓ I was ⁓ an, I'm from Manhattan. There I was on a New York City subway platform ⁓ the tears started streaming down my cheeks. ⁓ you understand ⁓ and overwhelm. ⁓ Pete: you Deborah Mallow: And I was just overwhelmed. I was exhausted from not sleeping well, not eating well, just pushing, pushing, pushing to beat myself. Because once you're number one, you know, where are going? Down. anyhow, not that that was that important, but it was important to me to do my best, not against anyone else or two, ⁓ just for myself. ⁓ all of a sudden these tears, and I said to myself, Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: And I know a lot of people do this when they make these transformations. It's so simple. But I said, if I don't change something, nothing will ever change. And there I will. I feel it now. I feel like crying. I remember so viscerally what it felt like. And just said, I can't anymore. ⁓ I ⁓ some people go through to therapy and that's great. We have to, as you were saying, you do what you do, we have to do ⁓ ⁓ Pete: Thank you. Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: And so for me, I like to figure things out. I love puzzles and I like to figure things out. So I slowly do it and then I create these habits. So I started reading about the science of why I did what I did and why we all do what we do because negativity bias, there's so many things we could cover, not enough time, I'll come back. But what I started to do is write down Pete: Definitely, definitely. Deborah Mallow: And like you were saying, a journal, it was this folder and I would write down quotes that made me feel good, prompts, questions, a commitment to myself, all these struggles that we as humans go through, walk away from negativity, leave the toxic, the procrastination, the perfection, the anxiety, manage stress, all of that. ⁓ I then wrote tips and I wrote little stories about people who overcame it to motivate myself. This is all on double pages, by the way. So it's that instant gratification, the strategies, the action items, things you could do and tips. at the end of each step, the six steps, there's the summation, the tips and a little summary about the eight double pages in the step ⁓ a line page for aha moments. So ⁓ was doing all this in a folder. Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: And friends noticed my change. Mind you, it took time. This didn't happen overnight. have to be patient with ourselves. ⁓ they saw the change ⁓ I showed them what I did. And they said to me, ⁓ really need to share this. People need this. So I set upon the journey ⁓ to write the book. I called my folder, The Daily Decisions, ⁓ because we make the decision to do something, Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: like to say this, change happens the minute we decide to make a change. And that's why I start with the decision and that's why I call my brand, The Daily Decisions, because it's up to us to make that choice. It's a choice. So much of it is a choice. We can't control other people, but we can manage our emotions and thoughts and our actions if we so choose to. Pete: Exactly. Deborah Mallow: So that's how it all started. Pete: I know you were mentioning before too about like a daily routine. I was actually watching something when we were messaging earlier today before we decided to meet up. was there with this guy. He's a YouTuber. He does a lot of food reviews and his thing was like he was always told to do something like have a daily morning routine kind of thing. And he was like, you know, making the bed is one of the things I do because, you know, it's just one of those things. It's the simplest thing. So what would you say some daily routines would be for just some people? Just give them some ideas of things. Because I think it's a great idea and it's funny that you mention that. And then that's what he was talking to you prior to this conversation, too. Deborah Mallow: But there's a reason, the science behind why I mentioned it. And before we go into it, because this helps all of us. When we understand the why behind what we're doing, find it easier to make the changes because you know it's not you. It's just part of being human, part of what our body does. ⁓ in the morning, ⁓ have this rise in cortisol. ⁓ nothing that we do. ⁓ we can't get rid of it. Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: that stress, but we can comment. what like to do is find ways like this person were listening to making the bed. ⁓ It's these things that you do, that you focus on, that you're not focusing on ⁓ all these thoughts, which also is a reason people get so stressed out in the morning, because it just naturally happens. ⁓ So we So what I like to do is Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: I'm a big smiler, I think you know that by now. Pete: Oh yeah, definitely. Very positive. Well, me and Debra met the first time. Bubbly. Most bubbly woman I met all through the whole thing. I was like, yep, I gotta have her instantly. Before she even said another word, I was like, yep, gotta have her. Deborah Mallow: Thank you so much. Well, the truth of the matter is that when we smile, everybody try it now, you smile, you naturally feel better. It just makes you feel, and smiling is gifting happiness. So think about it. You're doing nice, something nice for someone else, for yourself. So I like to smile in the morning. It makes me feel good. And I hug myself. That's why I said, let's all hug ourselves. I hug myself. to tell myself I'm okay. No matter what happens, I will be okay. ⁓ I say, as you said, the positive affirmation, something positive that I'm gonna do today, not focus on all the things that could go wrong, that we didn't do right the day before, that maybe we can improve upon. ⁓ focus on the good. ⁓ doing that just starts the day on the right. Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: foot as opposed to starting it and then on ⁓ a negative vibe. ⁓ I find that it really helps because let's face it, we ⁓ have difficult days. ⁓ days we wake up with headaches, people die. There's all kinds of things that go wrong in our ⁓ It's just life. It's living your life. ⁓ wrong with you just living your life. And so I just tried to manage it. so that I feel better and I help people I coach with this. just really ⁓ a huge difference in my mental outlook ⁓ ⁓ the day off right for me. And I think it helps so many. Pete: Yeah, no, I agree. No, I it's positivity too. You know, like I was telling you before, and like when I still finished the show out, that's why I always say that one kind act could save someone's life and everybody can make their day because you don't know what people are dealing with. So I work in a customer setting as my day job. So I work overnights in the morning. I see everybody in the morning. So my night is everyone's morning. So in the morning I try to be as positive as possible. Hey, how you doing? How's it going? You know, just try to keep the consistent positivity. And you know, the thing I noticed from the minute I met some of these people to where I'm now, I've been there about four years now. These guys have known for about four years. The conversation changed from just, how you doing? To, Hey man, what's going on? How are you? I'm like, it's good seeing you again. You know, I always tell them all the same thing. Hey, listen, it's great seeing you again. And then at first they wouldn't say anything. And then it just kept, I kept hitting it home with them, kept hitting it home. And then eventually they're just like, Hey man, it's good seeing you too. You know, and things like that. Just letting them know that, you know, you noticed them, you know, Hey, ask him how their day is and things like that too. You know, At first, like lot of people notice when they switch places, I they're up there with them like no one is talking to me. It's like because they don't know you. That's what it is. Like they don't know who you are. They just know he's another person. Like I've had known these guys for like four plus years. Like we have repetition between. Heck, I could ask about their family and they could tell me about them. We don't even know each other by name. It's not the point. It's the fact is that you're just being that positivity in their day. The rest of their day could suck. But they could just remember, hey, let's have a great conversation with Pete this morning, you know, and things like that, too. So that's why I always tell people that, you know, and then. ⁓ Now I went from just saying how you're doing to hey, how's your mental health to lot of people because if you think about it, you're changing the question to people from hey, how are you doing to allowing them to give you a one word answer to making them actually think about what it is you're just asking them. Some people respond and some won't. That's respectively their decision. They don't choose to, okay, but you got them thinking about it. had a few circle back go, hey, why did you ask me about that question? I'm just curious how you're doing, man. You know, how you doing? You good? You okay? Having a rough day is a rough week. You know, things like that too. It changes that dynamic of the conversation between you and somebody else. And you don't even have to know these people to even care in it. That little bit of kindness is all that matters. Like that's all we're asking for these days because with the internet and all these people on internet, all this negativity, you know, especially surrounding mental health, like the comments you see are just like, ⁓ God, man, go to like a Tik Tok video and start reading some of the comments. It's just like, it's a war field out there. And it's like, there's no need for that. If you're not, it's not something you like, that's a great thing on the internet. Just scroll on. Don't, don't say anything. But you know, you have those people that want to say something to you. So I was doing this one thing that where I had made a comment on a video and these people kept responding negatively. So I responded back with some small funny comments, everything. So was very polite responded back to every single one because I'm a nice guy. wanted to make sure I had 150 responses to this thing of just saying this girl was pretty. Deborah Mallow: Mm-hmm. You are. Pete: The girl happened to be transgender. You know, get everybody doesn't agree with it. The whole point it was just to see what people react because I'm kind of an interest. I find it be interesting, you know, the level of negativity it was coming out. I just coming back. Well, that's great. I'm so glad you feel that way. I'm so sorry. Let me send you some hugs. All these like funny little comments. I try to make them positive every way through. was the greatest experience of my life. I would tell people I'm like, yeah, I'm like 25 responses now. Fifty six responses now. hundred and fifty responses later. I'm still messaging people. And I'm doing nothing but being positive every single one of them. Hey, listen, I'm sorry you feel that way. That's great. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You know what mean? I'm just turning it into a positive spin because there's no need for it. All I said was one comment, and it upsets you so much that all I said was this individual is pretty. That's it. That's all I said. say anything else. I didn't use any derogative terms, nothing else. And all I did is turn around and turn it into a positive moment for every single one of them. I'm just like, OK, you know, hey. It was the highlight of my day. was laughing about this all day. I'm like, guys, I have to you best in these comments. I got this is my response. I was giving them the responses and people just laughing. They're like, are you literally responding all of them? Yeah, why not? They took the time responding. Might as well be nice and respond back. Like, come on now. It's very rude of me not to do these things. So but you know, I that's why I love like comedy and things too, like that, because I love laughing. I love comedy. I love jokes and things like that, too. It's always great. I love to see these videos where these guys are making these jokes, you know, in it always been. Deborah Mallow: It's makes you feel good. Pete: You know, and me and another guy, Dave Morrow, we were talking about, you know, mental health and comedy, how they go hand in hand a lot of times. Dave teaches a lot of classes where, you know, he uses his own mental health as jokes on stage and things like that, too. And he's teaching these guys like the art of comedy, you know, and like how you can turn your mental health into your own standup session and things like that, your own acts and things like that. You can talk about these things. And Dave and I were making jokes of the whole thing. know, now people may not may may find some of it offensive, but it really wasn't. It was just Dave and I talking about ourselves. That's it. Deborah Mallow: Yes! Pete: We're not talking about you, but you know you're gonna get those negative comments regardless, so. Deborah Mallow: You did what I love to do, flip the script. And I tell you that really works when you do because it's always our approach, right? We can make a positive be positive or negative. So I agree with what you're doing. And when you speak to the people at work and you talk to them, it also, I'm sure Pete makes you feel good. And that's the nice thing about smiling at people. Pete: Mm-hmm. All right. Deborah Mallow: being kind, a helping hand. Even if someone's nasty to you, it's like what you did, Pete. You just flip the script because there's no point in being negative because you're not serving yourself. You have to think about what serves you and also what really matters. Most things don't matter, but we make mountains out of molehills. It bothers us. We circular think and drive ourselves crazy and it just makes us sad and not feel good. Pete: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, know, especially... Deborah Mallow: Why? That's what I said. I like what you did. Round of applause. Pete: Right. Especially with customer service. So it's like you're burnt out so easily because you're dealing with so many emotions of people that come in and I'm energy sensitive. So like you can feel their energy coming off them, that negativity. So things like that too. I have to take, I usually take a, every, every year I take a week off and I just mentally reset and I'll stay away from everything. And people go like, what do you do? I just stayed at home all day and just kind of do whatever, you know, it's, it's healthcare. It's at its best. You're doing what you like to do. You know, it's, I just kind of hung out there, whatever. I didn't have to do anything was the whole point of it. Like I didn't have to go anywhere to spend anything to reach mentally recharged. And I came back with a new mindset. I did a lot of self reflecting during the time. So I learned, you know, a lot of stuff. So I changed my mindset of how I looked at things like that too, because my mindset wasn't the greatest near the end of it. But I'm also experiencing severe burnout at this point. I'm overworking myself and stressing out about things, you know, in it's, it's changed. Like the positive ripple effect that has changed, like my kids and I, didn't have a relationship. And now we have a regular daily text message. We text each other all that like those last year of just reflecting upon everything I did and realizing where I took blame to where I was at, you know, in, in, when I started Pete for its anxiety, it's been a great joy ever since then, because when I started in the beginning, I didn't have the same mindset I have now. I learned so many new things. I've learned new things from people like yourself that I have come on the show and I read the books. People send me tons of books to read. read a lot of different books, checking out different things, you know, cause I want to know more. very curious about things, you know, and when I meet people like yourself, they're very bubbly. It's like, let me see what's what's she's doing. So says, well, you know, and then I see the title of your book. I was like, oh, yeah, I definitely want to read this one. Yes, you know, like and I share it with other people, too. So, you know, and I share it with everybody, too. I'm like, you know, my mom actually saw one. met a children's book writer. She's actually teaching children how to emotionally regulate Shannon Curtis. She came on the show and she had sent me a copy of the book. My mom noticed that she was like, hey, is that the what is that? I've seen that book before. What is that? When I saw it's like one of my guests was on the show. I had her on the show. She me a signed Shannon sent me a signed copy of the book. She's like, Deborah Mallow: I can't wait to send it to you. Pete: Hey, can I look at them? Like you can, but you can't have it because it's my signed copy. It's like, that's my signed copy of the book. I'm like, I'll let you look at it. But yeah, you know, she, but she's heard of what it was and it's crazy because it's like, okay, my parents know I run a mental podcast. They know I'd have a bunch of guests on and I've had people like 2.5 million downloads on their own, very own respective podcasts, you know, things like that too. I've had all these interesting guests come on and then for her to notice that one book, she's like, ⁓ yeah, I noticed that person. It's kind of interesting. You know, and then when I mentioned, I told Deborah, I mentioned to her, I had a friend of mine, Marin, who's a good friend of ours. She runs a unapologetically, Marin, the Kornberg Chronicles, I mentioned who I was talking to this morning. I Marin, you're going to guess who I'm talking to. And I said, and she looked you up. She goes, Oh my God, is that so? I'm like, yeah, that's her. I'll let her know you said hi, by the way, too. So she was just like, she's so excited to meet you and everything. was like, man, of course I'm going to pass her on to you. Like I told Deborah, I passed a lot of people on to other guests of other shows and things. It's great because that's, that's the great thing as podcasters. Like you meet new people, you get to network with other people, you know, you get to make all these new friendships with new people and things like that too. So it's been, it's been great since the beginning of the show to where I'm now. Deborah Mallow: Yes. Pete: because I've altered my perception of reality of how I look at things. now instead of like engaging in these arguments of things, I just kind of decided, this really worth my time and energy? No, because now I'm applying a lot of the principles. And got into a relationship recently, the girl has BPD, which is Bordling Personality Disorder. So now I really have to look at things from a different perspective. So now I'm applying that to everyday life because now I'm really just thinking about what I'm saying to people versus just spouting things out right away like I used to do. Deborah Mallow: No. Pete: And it seems to have a different effect with different people because you can see like you're thinking about what you're saying, just like you would have to with someone with BPD, you know, and my girlfriend's very, she's so excited because I did a lot of research. I'm like, it's not research, it's just preparing myself. I want to be a better partner to you. was curious what I could do better. ⁓ I actually had an expert on the show, ⁓ Jen Bellinger. She's actually an expert in BPD. I've actually reached out to her too. And I asked her, Dr. Jen. Deborah Mallow: You're such a good boy. Pete: Hey, listen, I got an interesting situation. So I told her I was dating somebody that has BPD and she's like, well, I got a community you can sign up for. So naturally I signed up for that too. So, and I told her I was doing all these things and she was very impressed by it. And it's like, I'm just doing it because I'm curious now, because now I'm wondering how I can better, because I feel like you hear too many horror stories and it's like, you let that negativity in, then you start thinking that negativity instead of you doing your own research. and getting the facts for yourself. How hard is that? We have Google, chat, GPT, all these other things. Take five minutes and Google something and see that. It's not exactly what it is. Just because somebody else has negative experience doesn't mean that has to be your same experience going into these things. Deborah Mallow: Yeah. I say no judgment, right? It's like mindfulness. You approach things without judgment and you don't judge yourself. And once you start to do that, life becomes easier. We're all about you and I, and hopefully people listening. It's all about making life easier for ourselves because we really want to bring in the joy. And by you doing what you're doing and having guests on, that's joyful. It's, everybody is. Pete: Exactly. Mm-hmm. ⁓ yeah, that's great. Deborah Mallow: is happy to talk to you and wants to share their experiences. Why do we want to share? Because we want to help others. We genuinely, I believe people who come on your show been there and genuinely want to help others. And to me, that's the ripple, the kindness, helping pay ⁓ forward, right? Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm very big. paying it forward. That's why I tell people I do small, small kind of acts for people. just say, do me a favor, just pay it forward. You don't have to pay me back. Just pay it forward. And the emails I get on top of the ones I already got from all you guys at the NPS and things like that too. I've got like all emails, new emails come in and people listen to I've been listening to episodes like, you were telling me you listened to one this other person this morning. I got to find their email, but they're a golf pro and a mindset expert as well. And they're like, you know, I know you haven't talked about mindset in a while, which we did with, with the next NHL hockey player, which I'm a huge hockey fan. Deborah Mallow: You are. Pete: So was great when I had this guy on the show, you know, he came on and we were having a great time having a conversation about things like that too. And it's like, you see the effect of how this show is affecting other people because the emails are coming in, the messages I'm getting from other people. Other people reaching out saying, hey, listen, someone suggested you to me or hey Pete, I listened to your episode on this thing. And then they're citing the episode, ⁓ hey, listen, I listened to this one. So you actually heard the episode and they're reaching out to me or somebody else's manager and. It's the overwhelming responses I get from people. The emails I've got like stacks of emails I have to go through still, but you know, it's, it's great. I love it. I love seeing them every time I get up every morning. the first thing I do is check my inbox just to see in case I have anything new coming in. So I know that it's sorted through where it needs to go. And then I'll go look at the emails I have, you know, in, in stuff like that too, because people are always asking me who I'm talking to every day. And you know, there's a young guy I work with. He always asks me the same thing too. He's like, Hey, who did you talk to today? And I always tell him all these things. He's always fascinated to know who I've been talking to. So, you know, it's just like the list of people I've talked to, goes, ⁓ that's interesting to find out. I'm like, yeah, yeah, it is, you know. And then the people that listen to the show friends of mine and my family members start listening to it and things like that. It's so interesting to hear the responses of what people have to say. And they're like, ⁓ you're so, you're so, didn't expect that from you. Like, well, maybe if you listened, you would have heard me, you know, just saying. Deborah Mallow: Mm-hmm. always ⁓ changing also, right? We learn and we hope we learn and grow. I mean, that's the whole point is to get out of a comfort zone and to grow forward, right? As much as you think it's a cliche, it's really, it really helps us. And that's why also what you do, and I wanna repeat it is just pausing before reacting, thinking first, because just that pause helps to calm our nervous system. Pete: Right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: so that we don't just react. I like to say don't react, respond. Respond and it thoughtfully. You could be in the same shoes. So think about how other people ⁓ perceive what you're saying. And the whole thing about what you do at work is make people feel good because that's what everybody wants. Anyhow, we just want to feel good and we want to be listened to. Pete: Mm-hmm. Exactly. Deborah Mallow: And to be able to do that back and forth, it's just a wonderful, wonderful part of life. And if everybody did it, the world would be a lot kinder. And you and I want to just spread a little kindness, right? A little more kindness. Pete: Exactly. No, it's great though. Like I said, I love doing the show. I love meeting new people. I tell people I don't like people at times. It's, you know, and it's funny because they're laughing because they're like, you're a podcaster, right? I'm like, yeah, I like the people I meet on the show. Okay. Maybe I should say that some people in person, you know, it's okay. You know, you're not going to like everybody you meet and it's, know, it is what it is. It just happens. You know, some people just have those terrible days and you could just try and be that little bit of positivity they need. You know, eventually it'll come around. I guarantee it. Like I could tell you the last four years, there's people there. They hadn't said two words to me the first day I met them, so now they're actually having full on conversations with me and we're saying goodbye to each other. Hey, have a great day or see you later. We'll see you next time. Good seeing you know, all these different things, however you want to put it, you know, it changes the dynamic because it's the consistency of the same message. You don't change it, you know. And then when I first start before I even started the show, there's a pastor I met. He was like, Hey, Pete, have you ever noticed that the how you interact with people is very different than most people like said, the authenticity of how you are. just really nice to everybody regardless. of their situation. They could come in and be the meanest person to you. You're just continuing with your same message the whole way through. I'm like, I never really noticed that until somebody told me. And now when I sit back and I'm looking at it, a lot of times it's like, you know, maybe he is right though. You know, when I first started, I just kept that in mind, you know, and then I reached out to other people, know, people like being, Hey, stay consistent with what you're doing. You know, just keep the same message going, you know, I was like, okay, cool. So I tried it and it works. I mean, it's, it's hard, you know, it's, it's some days it's hard to be consistent because we all have rough days. There's days I struggle some days and people never even knew the first season of the show. I struggle bad, my depression, you know, people didn't know how bad it was. You know why? Cause I didn't tell 90 % of the people cause I felt like a lot of them couldn't handle the conversation, you know, and it's, it's tough when you feel like you can't say anything to everybody and you're struggling so bad because they, the mental health is like, they all say we're talking about enough, but I mean, let's look at the suicide rates. We're at 80 % a minute every year killing themselves. And it's like, what are we doing about this problem? Nothing, because apparently we're not talking enough about it. Deborah Mallow: Hmm. Pete: You and when we do speak out, feels like you're being told to be silent again. It's like, but you just asked me to say something. So can you please get the message correct here? Deborah Mallow: I agree. And I think part of it is everybody, we all as humans want to be liked, loved, cared about. And so many times it's our insecurity that's talking. So people tend to rather than put themselves out there because they're afraid for a response or because they're not feeling good about themselves. So they shrink or they act badly when Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: When you flip the script and you show them kindness, you see many times, I don't wanna say always, but many times you see a different side of a person and that's what you're seeing because are insecure and ⁓ learning to build and that's what I'm about too is ⁓ people build confidence, ⁓ feel about themselves. I wanna do this, I wanna have a whole program for children and teens. because I really believe, and you show it, what you're actually doing is when you feel good about yourselves, when you're more confident, resilient, able to bounce back, you're kinder to other people because you're kinder to yourself because you give yourself grace. And to me, that's what it's about. We need to learn to give ourselves grace accept ourselves and then we're kinder to other people. ⁓ You know, more and more I try to do that also if somebody's having a rough day. You have to be careful because you you just have to be careful for your safety, but still in your situation at work doing that, you're just making people feel better and everybody does want to feel good. They just don't know how. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it's contagious too, you know, like you notice how contagious it is too, is that when it starts taking off and other people see it and they see the pause and people say they see the change in you and things like that too. And they notice how you're differently doing things. It's always great because you want to hear that. Well, that's awesome. People are noticing the changes I'm making. So that even reforms it even more. And I think working with children is a great idea because if we could teach them at a younger age, a lot of these things like emotional regularity is one big thing I do think. Deborah Mallow: Yes. Pete: that we need to start teaching them is that way they can understand these feelings they're having and what are they feeling and giving it some kind of, that's why I liked that movie Inside Out, you know, how they have the characters that fit each description things, because that gives them a visualization of what they're looking at. Okay, that's how I'm feeling. This is what it would look like if you gave it a character, you know? So I love that movie for that reason, because the anxiety character in the second one is how my anxiety sometimes is all over the place, you know, and that's how I best explain it to people too. like, you know, I listen. Deborah Mallow: Yes. Pete: You know, ever seen the movie Inside 2? Look at the character anxiety. That's exactly what my anxiety is like at times. It's all over the place. It's very irrational, know, constantly worrying about things and stuff like that too. And then your depression was, you know, sadness and all that stuff. All kind of the character. Gives kids a visualization of what they're looking at. You know, I think with kids, that's easier for them to visualize it and to give it a character. ⁓ yeah, like, you know, like that, you know, like that they can reference back to it. And then that way you could start building it. So when they get older, they understand these things a little bit better. And that maybe that way we can, we can stop it. Cause 10 to 14 is the range of young men that are committing suicide and just going up. And it's like, we've got to do something now for these young guys, you know, and help them now before this becomes a problem where it's just like, we're just like, well, we don't know what to do. Well, we got to start somewhere. mean, this, this is just, know, and I love it though, too. You know, I just, I just love that when people say they're working with children and teens, especially cause teens are really tough, you know, because that we all remember those years. God, I my teenage years. They were horrible. Like you're still trying to figure out who you are as a person and all that great stuff, you know? Deborah Mallow: It And it's interesting because of the reviews on my book was this mom gave her book, gave my book to her teenage son to build confidence and manage stress. And guess what? ⁓ doing a segment on teen kids news, ⁓ TV segment. ⁓ gonna be a week in, one day in March, it'll be filmed. It's going to be on school stress and managing that and how my book helped this young teen. And you'll read when I send you the book, you'll read in the introduction, my last paragraph says, this is what I want to do. And so the universe is aligning that way because I talk about it. You know, when you put things out into the universe, things have a way of happening. And we should also talk about endorphin boosting. Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: things we can do, sleep and food we can eat. ⁓ Pete: Mm-hmm. I think food's a very interesting one, Deborah, really quick though. I don't think people think about the food they put in is what really helps you the most too. Like we eat this crap all day, but you don't think about the small little changes you can make and the positivity it does because everyone thinks your brain is the driving engine, but it's your stomach that is actually the driving engine in your body and things like that too. So we've had a few guests on the show where we've discussed food as the topic. So I think it's interesting when you bring it up because I don't think enough people think about it from that way. know, like, Deborah Mallow: Mm-hmm. Please. Mm-hmm. Nice. Pete: It's great you want to have all these like high sugary things, but you really don't need all that stuff. You need some more, you need some healthier things because it'll change your mindset. You'll feel better. You won't feel sluggish, you know, cut out the fast food. know like fast food is great if you want it every so often. Okay, cool. But to stop eating it for a week and then go back and eat it one time and tell me that you don't notice a major change in a loan right there. You know what saying? It's, it's just replacing things with other things, you know, like Deborah Mallow: Yes. Pete: Find something that fixed that same sensations, what I do, because I'm diabetic, so I have to be very careful with what I take in. So like I'm very, constantly looking for things to fill those sensations, like chips and things like that. I was a big chip guy, but now I'm like, I'd rather not have any interest in it anymore now. Now I know that, you know, I don't really need this stuff. It's okay to have once in while. And if I have it once in a while, it's like, okay, I'll have it once in while. I'll go smaller portion sizes than I would, than it'd be before, you know, like I'd be going through a whole bag of something. I'm like, no, now I'm just like, I have a couple. I'm like, all right, I'm good. Deborah Mallow: Yes Pete: I got that fix in that sensations there. I'm good. I'm going to move on to something else. You know. Deborah Mallow: It's true. Well, there's studies done. I mean, did you know that a kiwi is a happy fruit? It actually is known to make you feel better, like salmon and eating nuts leafy greens. And it's just how we train ourselves, just like learning to do things in small steps, ⁓ to overcome procrastination, even how eat, being conscious of Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: of sleeping enough because it does help regulate your emotions if you get better sleep. And that's why all these things are so important for our mental health, for controlling our pausing and reflecting and not going down rabbit holes, learning to change things up, doing endorphin boosting activities like getting outside, walking. If you don't like to go to the gym, don't, but walk. Pete: Yep. Exactly. Deborah Mallow: briskly do these things because it's you're doing it again. It's serving you and We're our best project. We need to work on ourselves So that we can enjoy our lives more. It seems so simple. I know it's so difficult But once you start doing it and you see improvement you crave it and that accomplishment is something that boosts Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly. Deborah Mallow: our endorphins too, because when you accomplish something, you feel good about yourself. And that's it is. ⁓ don't have to be a real, like so scientific about everything, but just understand little bits of ⁓ why. And it's going to make it easier. And that's what I share in my book ⁓ the little bits of the why ⁓ that people can internalize it, understand it, and then practice it. Practice it over time to make positive habits that stick. Really? Pete: I mean, but you're answering that question because you know, notice people go, well, why, Deborah, why should I listen to you? Well, here you go. Here's the reason why. You're giving them that little bit, you know, doing the small things like she said, going for walks and go to the gym, all these other things. These little small things you do make a big difference. You'll notice a big change. Even just going for a walk is a great start. So for me, for my diabetes, if my sugar is high, I go walk around the block. come back, take a little water with me and the number drops dramatically. You know, before I'd freak out. I wouldn't know what to do. Now it's just like, take a quick walk around the block, come back and check your numbers and see what they look like. And it's dropped dramatically. Just in that little bit of motion you've done, that's it. But you know, I like, I like going to gym because it's great stress reliever for me. But you know, it's like for other people are like, well, I don't have time to go, okay, cool. Then do something that works for you, you know? And I think that putting yourself first is a great message to people. Cause I've had to tell several people that I'm like, put yourself first because think of it this way, you're not any good to anybody if you're not taking care of yourself. How are you going to be there for all these people? You're a mom, you're Deborah Mallow: Run! Pete: your wife, your whatever, whatever category you want to put in there. If you're not good enough for you, you're not doing good for yourself. How are going to be good for everybody else around you? Because you worry about everybody else, but yourself, then what happens? You break down and then everybody breaks down because they're all depending on you. But if you take care of yourself, you'll be there to be that sturdy foundation that you need for the other people around you. And you can still do those things you want to do. But at the same time, you're taking care of yourself, which self care comes into play with that as well. You know, do something you enjoy, you know, for your own mental health sake too, things like that too. Reset your mind, you know, whatever it is, read a book, watch a movie, play a game, you know, do, do whatever it is you want to do. Zachlyn, humor's great too, you know, watch comedies, you know, go talk to friend about something, you know, do whatever you want to do, you know, all these thousand things you can do, you know, just put yourself first, you know, and if you need to set boundaries, like, Hey, listen, these are some things I'm not going to allow. And I know, I know when it comes to boundaries, people are like, ⁓ well that's selfish. Deborah Mallow: Humor, you said. Humor. Not something funny. Pete: ⁓ Stop listening to that mindset. Stop listening to crap because that's all hogwash. You don't listen to people tell you that. Endeavor probably agreed that 100%. You don't listen to people tell you that. You're setting hard boundaries for people to tell them that, listen, these are the things that I don't allow. And if they come past it, you got to stick to them. That's the hardest part is sticking to your boundaries. And you'll see how many people start to learn really quick that you're not going to give into whatever they want you to do. And if it's not going to be a benefit to you, Deborah Mallow: No. Right. No- Wait. Pete: These boundaries will help keep them at bay. Well, listen, you don't want to expect my boundaries get cut off. Okay. Well, that's your own choice. You made that decision. It's hard. I'm not saying it's easy. Just like Deborah said, little steps when you're doing it, but you got it. You got to do something now. Cause if you're not in a best place possible, what are you going to do for someone else? You really can't do anything for anybody. Deborah Mallow: Yeah, want, we, the goal is to make ourselves feel good so that we could then be there for the people that we love, our friends, and we could, we could be present in the moment, not stuck in our circular thoughts and the worry and the fear and all the things that get us down. And it's just practicing over time to nurture that, to manage that, and also to balance, to work on, work toward balancing our lives to Pete: Exactly. Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: overcome the burnout. And I understand that. mean, honestly, it's easy to go down rabbit holes. It's easy to make yourself crazy and try to do all these things. But again, we have to put things in perspective. I call it reshaping our thoughts and reframing our perspective so that it serves us. that we're the best we can be for ourselves. So we enjoy our lives and we spread that Pete: Mm-hmm. Deborah Mallow: outward because who do you want to be around? You want to be around people that are negative and bring you down or you want to be around people like us that are going to make you feel good? Again, it's all a choice. Pete: Exactly. Exactly. It is a choice, you know, and I think that, you know, starting with yourself and taking care of yourself, it's the most important thing at the end of the day. We can't say that enough times, you know, take care of yourself because at the end of the day, you know, you being the best you is the best for everybody, you know, especially mom's dads, all those other things, whatever category you want to put them all in. All the same thing. So, Deborah, as we get ready to start wrapping up, I'm going to ask you two questions, OK? So one of my questions is a fun one. So I borrowed this one from a friend of mine. She runs a podcast. It's called the shit that goes on in her head. My good friend, Gretchen, she had asked me during our interview when I first met her, she said, Pete, if your mental health had a song, what would you say that song would be? So my question is the same thing to you, Deborah. If your mental health had a song, what would you say that song would be? Deborah Mallow: Okay. love that! I love it. ⁓ the, the, it's her name. ⁓ I I don't say it wrong. The fight song by Rachel. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, love that because it's like overcoming adversity and all the people that ⁓ want to you down. It's fighting through to live, to, be authentic And it's hard. mean, she, Pete: It's a fun question, it really is. Yep. Deborah Mallow: Her story is so true and what was happening to her and she almost gave up and this is her fight song and this is you my fight song and that's how I get through. I'm not going to let the little things that don't matter bring me down. Pete: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. love it. Absolutely. Deborah, so the question and the most important one, the reason I started this podcast is that if you could break the stigma about mental health, now anything that you hear on a daily basis, you just want people to stop believing. What would you say that would be? Deborah Mallow: I would honestly say that it's stop, stop being so hard on ourselves. I said it before, to give ourselves grace. Again, what really matters, but we let all these things bring us down. I know, I was there ⁓ we can flip the script and make our lives a little easier. So that, I want people to think about giving themselves grace and pausing before reacting and responding instead and giving themselves a hug too, because we all need a hug. Pete: Right, exactly. Well, Deborah, thank you so much for coming to hang out with me today. I appreciate it. And you're definitely welcome to come back any time. We can bring a new topic for the next time for sure, but you're definitely welcome to come back. Before we start wrapping up, though, I know there is a class you have this summer. Did you want to go ahead and let people know where they can go join that if they want to be a part of it? Deborah Mallow: Yay! Well, classes, ⁓ teaching a class at Chautauqua Institute, upstate New York. ⁓ if people want to connect with me, you go to my website, thedailydecisions.com. And if you go to the Daily Decisions, decisionswithines.com forward slash ⁓ inspire, you download motivational worksheets, worksheets, activity. that boost your endorphins, worksheets, little things you can do. you get my bi-weekly newsletter, which helps get rid of the grumpies. It's bright yellow and it makes you smile. And you can connect with me. I get letters, like you get emails, I get emails ⁓ the time. And I love and I answer them and they make me feel good. And I like to, if I can help someone, I'm here. And of course, as you know, my book is Six Steps to Fewer Days That Suck, and you can get that on Amazon. It's easy reading. It's double pages of all the things we struggle with, with strategies and solutions to help you feel better, because that's what it's about. I'm all about, like Pete is, helping you feel better and be your best you and enjoy your life a little more. Pete: love it absolutely thank you so much ever again we're coming to hang out with us today guys and with that being said we're gonna wrap up this episode of Pete first anxiety you know what to find me on people society I'm an ex all the way down to tik-tok I'm on Spotify all the way down to pandera radio and as always say it costs nothing absolutely not to be kind to somebody what kind that you could do is gonna save someone's life or hell you can make their day I'm Pete first anxiety saying I'll see and don't ask how your day is they say hey how's your mental health