Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Gives Mixed Signals
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this moment in every career where you realize your boss's words and their actions are telling two different stories. You get praised in a meeting for your presentation, then you're passed over for the next big project. Luna: That's the worst. It's like they're speaking a language that doesn't match the subtitles. Lucas: Right. And for today's episode, I wanted to dig into why that happens and what you can actually do about it. I've been collecting examples from friends and listeners, and the patterns are surprisingly consistent. Luna: I bet. I mean, I've had a boss who would nod along in one-on-ones, say 'great idea,' and then kill it in the next staff meeting without ever mentioning our conversation. Lucas: That's a classic. And it's not just about you being confused — it's genuinely costly. There's a study from a few years back that found employees spend nearly fifteen percent of their workweek — that's about six hours — just trying to interpret what their boss actually means. That's time not spent doing real work. Luna: Six hours a week? That's basically a full day a month, just playing detective. Lucas: Exactly. And the thing is, most of the time, the mixed signals aren't malicious. They're a symptom of a boss who's conflict-averse, or overwhelmed, or just not self-aware. Luna: So what's the first move when you sense that gap between what they say and what they do? Lucas: The first move is to treat the mismatch as data, not as a personal failure. So if your boss says they love your strategy but keeps assigning you grunt work, that's information. They might be testing you, or they might be avoiding the uncomfortable task of telling you they don't trust you yet. You can't read their mind, but you can change the conversation. Luna: So you're saying instead of spiraling, you ask a direct question. Lucas: Right. The most effective thing I've seen is to ask a specific, non-accusatory follow-up. Like, 'I really appreciate the positive feedback on the Q3 plan. To make sure I'm focusing on the right priorities, do you see any gaps that I should address before we move forward?' That forces the boss to either commit or reveal their concerns. Luna: That's so much better than my usual 'so... that was weird, right?' Lucas: Ha, yeah. And the other key is documentation. Write down what was said, when, and what the actual outcome was. Not to build a case, but to have a clear record for your own planning — and if you ever need to have a serious conversation about patterns, you've got concrete examples. Luna: That's solid advice. And I know we talk a lot on this show about managing up, and it's something we genuinely believe in. Which reminds me — if these episodes have helped you think through a tricky situation at work, a couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps these going. You can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, it really does make a difference. Every little bit helps us keep the podcast ad-free and focused on the real stuff. Thanks for considering it. Luna: So, back to mixed signals. Lucas, you mentioned the conflict-averse boss. Can you give us a concrete example of how that plays out? Lucas: Sure. I remember this story from a product team at a mid-sized tech company. The boss, let's call her Dana, was known for never saying 'no' directly. She'd let her team run with projects she didn't actually support, hoping they'd fail quietly so she wouldn't have to give negative feedback. Luna: That's brutal. So they'd spend weeks on something that was doomed from the start. Lucas: Exactly. And the fix wasn't to confront Dana about her style. It was for the team lead to start asking for explicit priorities. Like, 'Out of the four initiatives we have, which two should we focus on this quarter?' That forced Dana to make a call, and it saved everyone from guessing. Luna: So you're giving them an easier out — a way to say no without feeling like a bad guy. Lucas: Precisely. And it works because you're not attacking them; you're just asking for direction. The boss gets to feel decisive, and you get clarity. Luna: What about when the mixed signals are coming from the very top? Like, the CEO says one thing and the whole company feels the disconnect. Lucas: That's a whole different ballgame. I remember a startup where the CEO kept saying they wanted innovation, but every new idea was shot down in review because 'we don't have the resources.' The net effect was that the best engineer on the team left — she felt like her work didn't matter. Luna: And the CEO probably had no idea she was that frustrated, or why she left. Lucas: Right. And that's the real cost of mixed signals — it's not just confusion, it's attrition. When people sense that the stated values don't match the actual incentives, they either check out or leave. Luna: So how do you deal with that as a middle manager caught in the middle? Lucas: The best move I've seen is to translate the CEO's vague direction into something concrete. So if the CEO says 'we need more innovation,' you take that and say, 'Great, let's define what that means for our team. Can we set aside 10 percent of our time for experiments?' That forces a decision and creates a tangible metric. Luna: That's clever. You're not asking them to change their personality, just to give you a specific deliverable. Lucas: Exactly. And if they won't commit to even that, then you have your answer — the signals aren't mixed, they're just for show. And then you have to decide if you can live with that or if it's time to move on. Luna: That's a hard truth. But it's better to know than to keep guessing. Lucas: Yep. And one more thing — when you do get clarity, make sure you communicate it back. Like, 'I understand we're prioritizing A over B this quarter, so I'll put my energy there.' That way, you're not just receiving signals, you're co-creating a clearer channel. Luna: It's almost like you're training your boss to be more direct with you. Lucas: In a way, yes. And over time, you become known as the person who brings clarity to ambiguity. That's a valuable reputation — it puts you in line for bigger responsibilities. Luna: I love that. So before we wrap up, what's the one takeaway you want listeners to remember? Lucas: The next time your boss gives you a mixed signal, don't just feel frustrated. Use it as a prompt to ask a specific question and get them to commit. You'll either get the clarity you need, or you'll learn something important about your situation. Either way, you're better off than guessing. Luna: That's a great place to stop. Thanks for listening, everyone.