Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #100 Managing Bedtime as a Solo Parent

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#100 Managing Bedtime as a Solo Parent · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time Poor parent who just wants Answers
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  Speaker 1: Now Where Luke and Susie a husband and wife radio
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  Speaker 1: team and the parents are three young boys, and today
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  Speaker 1: we're talking about bedtime when you're on your own. A
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  Speaker 1: question from Elease today Luke is a little bit devastating.
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  Speaker 1: It's a bit heartbreaking because it's parenting in a way
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  Speaker 1: that none of us expect to. We always go into
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  Speaker 1: parenthood expecting that this is a team game. But Elisa's
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  Speaker 1: found herself in a difficult situation has written through to
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  Speaker 1: the show looking for some advice. Today she says, I'm
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  Speaker 1: a widow with three kids. They're seven, five and three.
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  Speaker 1: How do solo parents or those doing night routines on
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  Speaker 1: their own get their kids to stay in the rooms
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  Speaker 1: at bedtime when you can't divide and conquer to say
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  Speaker 1: good night. She's procrastinating from going to bed and staying there.
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  Speaker 2: Ouch to answer that question, somebody who's a little bit
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  Speaker 2: wiser and more experience than us is doctor Justin Coulson,
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  Speaker 2: who is once again joining us. Justin, this is a
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  Speaker 2: pretty difficult scenario for us to address. Because there's no
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  Speaker 2: lighthearted whimsic all of this. Here's a mum in the
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  Speaker 2: worst case scenario after having three kids to lose a husband.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and so young, seven, five, and three. I consistently say,
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  Speaker 3: I don't know how single parents do it. It's just
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  Speaker 3: such a tough gig, especially with young families. And I
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  Speaker 3: have to be honest, I don't think that there are
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  Speaker 3: any easy answers. I mean, I wish I could just
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  Speaker 3: pull this solution out of my pocket and say, well,
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  Speaker 3: this is all that she needs to do, but it
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  Speaker 3: kind of doesn't work like that. I mean, there are
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  Speaker 3: things like priorities and organizational skills and having a good routine,
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  Speaker 3: but at the end of the day, if you're trying
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  Speaker 3: to put that three year old down in the three
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  Speaker 3: or old won't go to sleep, and the five year
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  Speaker 3: old's messing around, and the seven year old's trying to
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  Speaker 3: be the mum or be the dad, and I mean,
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  Speaker 3: it's just it's rough.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can only imagine. I mean, all of
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  Speaker 1: us feel tired at the end of the day. And
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  Speaker 1: when it comes to doing the night routine, how much
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  Speaker 1: do you want to just put the kids in their room,
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  Speaker 1: turn the light out and say just go sleep.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, or you can give them an eye pattern just.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, set them off, But I mean payoff and reward
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  Speaker 1: obviously in taking the time for the cuddles, the reading
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  Speaker 1: the story, the tucking them in, the saying good night.
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  Speaker 1: But what if it's not working, What if even after
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  Speaker 1: that they're still just getting up and up and up.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, again, no easy answers in this situation. I often
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  Speaker 3: offer some reassurance that this will pass. But there are
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  Speaker 3: a couple of things that we can do that could
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  Speaker 3: at least be a little bit practical and a little
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  Speaker 3: bit helpful. I think that one of the most helpful
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  Speaker 3: things that we can do is give the seven year
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  Speaker 3: old some gentle responsibility. So maybe the seven year old
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  Speaker 3: can read to the five year old, or the seven
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  Speaker 3: year old can have a job to do that they
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  Speaker 3: actually really like, that makes them feel important and big
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  Speaker 3: and good, and that kind of at least takes care
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  Speaker 3: of that child. Let the seven year old know that
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  Speaker 3: because they're a bit older, they get to stay up
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  Speaker 3: half an hour later. And I'd really be focusing heavily
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  Speaker 3: on consistency in that sleep routine. So the three year
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  Speaker 3: old is obviously going to be the first one. Maybe
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  Speaker 3: the three and five year old together they can both
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  Speaker 3: go to sleep. Let's say, for example seven point thirty,
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  Speaker 3: which means that dinner is cleared away by seven, they
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  Speaker 3: have their bath until seven fifteen, they brush their teeth,
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  Speaker 3: and then they hop into bed and they're ready for
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  Speaker 3: sleep at seven point thirty, and you put them in
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  Speaker 3: your bed, read them that story, spend that really special
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  Speaker 3: time with them, just giving them big hugs, and keep
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  Speaker 3: them together. Once they're asleep, you can move them to
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  Speaker 3: their own beds, you know, at eight point thirty, when
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  Speaker 3: you've dealt with the seven year old and put the
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  Speaker 3: seven year old a bit as well. But really routines Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: my wife and I have found, and again it's a
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  Speaker 3: different scenario. We've got the two of us, but with
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  Speaker 3: six children life can get pretty complicated. We've found that
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  Speaker 3: the answer to the universe and everything, the solution to
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  Speaker 3: marital bliss, the solution to family well being and happiness
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  Speaker 3: is dinner at five point thirty's.
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  Speaker 2: I can see it and pro that there are times
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  Speaker 2: when our kids were younger and we did that. It
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  Speaker 2: fit everything. In the bedtimes and there's bath times and
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  Speaker 2: all that stuff just fit Yeah, the later it got,
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  Speaker 2: the harder it was.
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  Speaker 3: Now, let's be really clear, most families can't actually do
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  Speaker 3: thirty and if you're a single mum, it's probably going
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  Speaker 3: to be even harder to do that. There are so
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  Speaker 3: many other ways that we have to try to juggle
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  Speaker 3: and get this happening. So a couple of my other
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  Speaker 3: practical solutions that that are probably completely impractical and laughable
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  Speaker 3: for anybody who's really dealing with it, but they're the
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  Speaker 3: best that I've got in a messy, complicated, icky kind
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  Speaker 3: of world. Spend your Saturday or your Sunday with some
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  Speaker 3: friends doing a cook up so that you've got three
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  Speaker 3: or four meals prepped for the week, so that on
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  Speaker 3: Monday when it's chaos, and Wednesday and Thursday when it's
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  Speaker 3: absolutely crazy, you've got those meals. They're in the fridge,
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  Speaker 3: all the veggies are chopped, all the meats cook, everything's
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  Speaker 3: ready to go. You've just got to reheat. You save
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  Speaker 3: money and you save time, and you can still actually
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  Speaker 3: so and.
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  Speaker 1: The seven and the five year old are well old
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  Speaker 1: enough to be even the three year old's got tasks
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  Speaker 1: they can do in the kitchen to help help.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and bring them in. I mean, we don't
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  Speaker 3: want to burden them and make it awful for them.
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  Speaker 3: But let's let's make it fun. Let's play some music.
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  Speaker 3: And maybe that's probably the last thing that I would say.
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  Speaker 3: You're feeling heavy, you're feeling exhausted, You're just lots so
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  Speaker 3: much going on. But if we can lighten the load
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  Speaker 3: a little, if we can make time for laughter and
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  Speaker 3: for dancing, and for music and for genuinely enjoying and connecting,
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  Speaker 3: making those mornings and those evenings nurturing and magical at
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  Speaker 3: least a little bit of the time, the burden does
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  Speaker 3: become lighter.
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  Speaker 2: It sounds to me like most of what you've said,
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  Speaker 2: in a practical sense, is about creating space in the time.
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  Speaker 2: Right now it might feel burdensome and stressful, that you know,
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  Speaker 2: if they go to bed a little bit later, a
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  Speaker 2: little bit outside of the rules of what is normally
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  Speaker 2: best practice. There not only is Mum grieving, but so
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  Speaker 2: are these so are these children. Create space for that
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  Speaker 2: to be okay, for it to be different.
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  Speaker 3: Sure, we still want to have some routine. We don't
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  Speaker 3: want to be too flexible, but we don't be too
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  Speaker 3: rigid either. A routine is key. Bringing in support is critical,
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  Speaker 3: setting up systems, like I said on the weekend, doing
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  Speaker 3: that extra cooking that kind of thing will will be
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  Speaker 3: a lifesaver, and then having the just spond to follow
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  Speaker 3: through actually making it happen. Wow, that's the hardest part.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I guess a big part too is if
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  Speaker 2: you hearing this story and you know somebody in your
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  Speaker 2: world who might be in a situation that you can
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  Speaker 2: say is equivalent in some way to that single parent, widow, widower,
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  Speaker 2: then maybe you could be someone to reach out and
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  Speaker 2: actually offer some support, to say how can I how
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  Speaker 2: can I help? And whether it's a meal, or whether
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  Speaker 2: it's a babysitting, or whether it's a give the parent
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  Speaker 2: a break, to actually take this prompt. If this isn't
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  Speaker 2: you then step in for someone who the story is about.
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  Speaker 3: I just I'm so glad you said that. I love that.
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  Speaker 3: Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a world
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  Speaker 3: I saw a video a couple of years ago about
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  Speaker 3: a lady who was part of a church community. She
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  Speaker 3: had a terrible debilitating disease that meant that she was
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  Speaker 3: in a wheelchair during the day and she actually couldn't
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  Speaker 3: get into bed at night. This was an ongoing issue,
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  Speaker 3: it was never going to be resolved, and her church
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  Speaker 3: community actually came to her and said, we have a solution.
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  Speaker 3: We're going to send two men from our congregation to
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  Speaker 3: you every single night for as long as we need to,
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  Speaker 3: even if it's the next twenty years, and they're going
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  Speaker 3: to help you out of your wheelchair and into bed
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  Speaker 3: each night. And what a lot of the men were
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  Speaker 3: grumbling and going.
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  Speaker 1: And I can't believe it.
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  Speaker 3: And they started to talk about how it had changed
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  Speaker 3: their hearts and they actually looked forward to that opportunity
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  Speaker 3: where they could go and connect with this lady and
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  Speaker 3: do this service. If you know somebody, what a great
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  Speaker 3: thing to do.
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  Speaker 2: How wonderful, wonderful, wonderful wrap up of a very difficult story.
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  Speaker 2: And our prayers go out to the family and dealing
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  Speaker 2: with the grief that they've got.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you, doctor Justin Colson for appreciate your time.
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  Speaker 3: Wish we could do more, but I'm glad that. I
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  Speaker 3: hope that's helpful.
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  Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to
• 7:56
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• 7:58
  Speaker 2: can click on the stars comments like.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Mela Floud he did, who said? Wonderful parenting resource. Dr
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  Speaker 1: Dustin Pilson's podcast, books, videos, online articles, et cetera. For
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: the list goes on are such wonderful resources for parents
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  Speaker 1: who want to encourage positivity and happiness using the latest evidence.
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  Speaker 1: He communicates ideas in a way that is easy to
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  Speaker 1: understand and with a respect for how hard parenting can be.
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  Speaker 1: Definitely a great place to start if you're feeling a
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: need to make some changes.
• 8:23
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• 8:25
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