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Live Your Diamond Life: Authentic Q&A for Women — Chapter 2: Trusting Yourself With Money · Rock My Finances

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Speaker 1: Investment advisory and financial planning services are offered through Simplicity
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Speaker 2: And SEC Registered Investment Advisor.
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Speaker 1: particular level of skill nor ability. Investing involves risk of loss. Insurance,
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Speaker 1: consulting and education services offered through Diamond Life Planning is
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Speaker 1: be specific financial guidance. Before you make any decisions regarding
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Speaker 3: Welcome to the Rock My Finances show on k for
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Speaker 3: HD Radio and Talk for TV, where we put the
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Speaker 3: fund in finance. Join Powerhouse Jeffer Jos CDFA CMC and
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Speaker 3: private wealth advisor as she collaborates with you to create clarity,
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Speaker 3: control and confidence with your money, your way. It's not
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Speaker 3: about the zeros. So what is it all about? Let's
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Speaker 3: find out. Now. Here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jose.
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Speaker 1: Hey, y'all, I'm so glad you're here, and can I
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Speaker 1: just say how much I love that music. I am
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Speaker 1: a total rocker and I just start jamming when I
1:15
Speaker 1: hear that music.
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Speaker 2: I love it.
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Speaker 1: I did pick it, so I hope you all like it,
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Speaker 1: even if you don't like Rocket's kind of got a
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Speaker 1: good beat. Right today, we have a great show. So
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Speaker 1: this is a series that I Did's called Live Your
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Speaker 1: Diamond Life, Authentic Q and A for women. And then
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Speaker 1: I'm going to do different chapters which is going to
1:35
Speaker 1: have a different heading, so you can check out some
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Speaker 1: other Live Your Diamond Life's a series. In the questions
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Speaker 1: in the series, it might suit you just fine. I
1:43
Speaker 1: also have another series that I wanted to talk about.
1:46
Speaker 1: I did last year, my first year doing a podcast,
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Speaker 1: which is hilarious. I pulled up one of the episodes,
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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, I have my lashes like batting like
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Speaker 1: crazy and they're so ridiculous. I had to laugh at
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Speaker 1: myself a little bit. So that's called Soul Sisters series
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Speaker 1: and you can find that under Rock My Finances as well.
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Speaker 1: And it's just me and my besties and my girlfriends.
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Speaker 1: We get together and talk about everything under the sun,
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Speaker 1: and it's pretty funny, like they're totally cutting up on
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Speaker 1: me and my lashes. So check out this Soul Sisters
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Speaker 1: series too. Okay, so this is chapter two. I've already
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Speaker 1: done chapter one, so you have to go check that out.
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Speaker 1: Chapter two Trusting Yourself with Money. Yeah, I'm going to
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Speaker 1: say things here that you're not going to say, which
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Speaker 1: is going to be great because you want to hear
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Speaker 1: different things out there. Right, Okay, Why what I did was,
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Speaker 1: I have a bunch of questions that have come into
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Speaker 1: me over the many, many many years, and I've tried
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Speaker 1: to categorize those into certain topics, and those are the
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Speaker 1: topics that I'm going to bring up on each Live
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Speaker 1: Your Diamond Life Q and A series. So this is
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Speaker 1: one of the questions that I received. Why do so
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Speaker 1: many women feel like they can't trust themselves with money?
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Speaker 1: Great question, right, It's going to be a very different answer,
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Speaker 1: I can tell you that right now. I know a
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Speaker 1: lot of women never feel like they were invited to
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Speaker 1: a financial converse as growing up. We didn't learn it
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Speaker 1: in the household. Maybe, And a key thing that I
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Speaker 1: want to ask you all, what did money feel like
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Speaker 1: in your household growing up? I know you were asking
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Speaker 1: the question about trust and how do we trust ourselves
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Speaker 1: with money now? But I need to know what did
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Speaker 1: money feel like in your household growing up? One thing
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Speaker 1: your parents could be fighting. Money conflict could be in
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Speaker 1: the household. You might have lived like me. I raised
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Speaker 1: my kids as a single mom most of their life,
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Speaker 1: and there was no money conflict because we didn't talk
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Speaker 1: about it because I didn't have a spouse to argue with.
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Speaker 2: So I had to sit.
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Speaker 1: Down, you know, include my children in these decisions with
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Speaker 1: money money conflict. So if children repeatedly see arguments about spending, debt,
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Speaker 1: financial decisions, or you know, like one person sitting at
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Speaker 1: home paying the bills and she's stressed, you could tell
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Speaker 1: Mom's paying the bills or Dad's paying the bills, and
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Speaker 1: they have a different demeanor. They're scary that you don't
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Speaker 1: want to go in and talk to them. You don't
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Speaker 1: want to ask my question about your homework, whatever it is.
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Speaker 1: We all, as children internalize all of these things at
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Speaker 1: that time, and so this is going to make us
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Speaker 1: think that talking about money is dangerous.
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Speaker 2: Yep, my phone, my cell phone just went off. Sorry, y'all.
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Speaker 1: Okay, this makes a difference in our belief around money
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Speaker 1: and our trust around money. So we might think that
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Speaker 1: talking about money is going to be scary just from
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Speaker 1: experiencing that as a child.
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Speaker 2: We might not even remember it.
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Speaker 1: It's just it's subconscious, right, It's just in there that
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Speaker 1: when people talk about money, things get weird around the house,
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Speaker 1: whatever that might be, and we might want to.
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Speaker 2: Avoid the topic. I call you ostriches.
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Speaker 1: Do have any ostriches out there that we literally don't
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Speaker 1: even want to talk about the money? Wou don't want
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Speaker 1: to look at our bank account. We just want to
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Speaker 1: spend as we want. When it's gone, then we don't
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Speaker 1: spend until we get more like. There's lots of different patterns.
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Speaker 1: So another adult pattern might be to avoid budgeting altogether,
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Speaker 1: avoid investing or any funnyancial conversations with your partners. Now,
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Speaker 1: let me take this a little one step further. It's
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Speaker 1: not only that you avoid it, but you feel horrible
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Speaker 1: when someone brings it up. So put your hand on
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Speaker 1: your body wherever you feel stress around money. Mine is
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Speaker 1: like right above my belly button, like my stomach. Sometimes
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Speaker 1: it's in my chest. So that's when I'm anxious. Right,
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Speaker 1: So if we put our hands here and we feel
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Speaker 1: this right now, and we just breathe into that and
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Speaker 1: take a moment to get some clarity, because it's not
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Speaker 1: We're not in our childhood home anymore. We are adults.
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Speaker 1: We run our life, We control where we spend money.
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Speaker 2: Did you know that?
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Speaker 1: I know you might be thinking it controls you, but nope,
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Speaker 1: you make the final decision. We don't even have to
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Speaker 1: play in this money game. Anybody can go pitch a tent.
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Speaker 2: I know San.
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Speaker 1: Francisco's great at it has a huge homeless population, and
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Speaker 1: not even play the money game. So if you choose
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Speaker 1: to play the money game and being this wonderful you say,
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Speaker 1: and want to trade money for services and products and
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Speaker 1: food and water now and anything, then that's your choice.
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Speaker 1: So we want to take control back and realize that
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Speaker 1: that is our choice. The second thing that might be
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Speaker 1: causing us some trust issues is the stress and or
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Speaker 1: scarcity around money. I mean, even though you know there's
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Speaker 1: households that have enough income, they have completely constant tension
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Speaker 1: about money and that creates a feeling of scarcity. Kids
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Speaker 1: may even believe that they're fearing that there's not enough.
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Speaker 1: They don't even know what that means, right, But when
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Speaker 1: we always hear no as a child, nope. We might
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Speaker 1: even heard can't afford it? How many have said that
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Speaker 1: word when really sometimes I should say not everyone, but
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Speaker 1: I can't afford it. I just choose not to afford it.
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Speaker 1: But that was easier to tell my kids, Sorry, I
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Speaker 1: can't afford it. Money's not there. Money's not there. My
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Speaker 1: kids even told me one point, because I sing a mom.
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Speaker 1: We had a beautiful home. We had forty three minutes,
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Speaker 1: a beautiful home in California. You know, I did my
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Speaker 1: due diligence making sure my kids grew up. You know,
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Speaker 1: well they never felt the issues. I did have several
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Speaker 1: rentals and homes, and then you know, twenty and eight
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Speaker 1: and nine, ten happened, a divorce happened, lost to business,
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Speaker 1: all kinds of things happened, and so the ward of
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Speaker 1: the house was no, like there was no extras at
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Speaker 1: that pointed to get back on our feet. I've done
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Speaker 1: this several times, and the word of the house was no.
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Speaker 1: So they started thinking that I was saving this money
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Speaker 1: and not sharing it with them. So like when they
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Speaker 1: got older, like, I know you have lots and lots
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Speaker 1: you know that you just said no to us for
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Speaker 1: the reason. I'm like, no, I would never say no
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Speaker 1: for the reason for a different reason than what I
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Speaker 1: was telling you. But we do choose where we want
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Speaker 1: to spend our money. Right, So I might say I
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Speaker 1: can't afford it when actuality, No I'm putting this money
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Speaker 1: over here instead. No I'm paying for your braces instead.
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Speaker 1: No I'm saving for your car. No I'm putting it
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Speaker 1: in my retirement. No, I'm put in our vacation fund,
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Speaker 1: whatever it might be. But we have to be in
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Speaker 1: our own brain so that we can reduce our stress
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Speaker 1: and reduce our words around scarcity because that will attract.
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Speaker 3: Right.
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Speaker 1: I'm a big law of attraction believer, and so our
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Speaker 1: words count, they matter, and they make a difference. So
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Speaker 1: we have to look at what we're saying, and we
8:17
Speaker 1: need to realize that we have that choice. So, if
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Speaker 1: you have Phil, if you grew up in a household
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Speaker 1: that there was just never enough and spending money felt
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Speaker 1: very risky in the household, Again, the question is how
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Speaker 1: did you feel about money when you were growing up?
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Speaker 1: My F word, my favorite F word. So an adult
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Speaker 1: pattern around that would be they may oversave, they fear spending,
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Speaker 1: or they experience a chronic financial anxiety. So as a
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Speaker 1: money coach and a financial advisor. I have several clients
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Speaker 1: right that fit this bill. I had Gal come to me,
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Speaker 1: you know, over one hundred and fifty thousand dollars in
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Speaker 1: her savings account and she just held onto money like
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Speaker 1: this like her fists. They were not coming out of
8:59
Speaker 1: her fists. And so she was just so afraid and
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Speaker 1: she wanted to pay off her house. Her husband did
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Speaker 1: not want to pay off for his house. They had
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Speaker 1: money to pay it off, but he knew that the
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Speaker 1: money was making money where it was at and if
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Speaker 1: they paid off the house, it would not be making
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Speaker 1: money because the house is going to grow inequity regardless
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Speaker 1: of what the loan is on it. Right, And this
9:20
Speaker 1: is where I go as a money coach. I work
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Speaker 1: for you, right, I work for you and your beliefs
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Speaker 1: and your emotions. And this wife was just bawling. She's like,
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Speaker 1: I have to have my house paid off now. She
9:33
Speaker 1: grew up in a huge scarcity, no spending money household,
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Speaker 1: and her parents wanted her to have the deed of
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Speaker 1: the house period or you were nowhere, You were nothing
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Speaker 1: if you did not own your own home. Outright, There's
9:47
Speaker 1: no way that that poor husband could fight against that
9:50
Speaker 1: parent upbringing. There's just no way. So what'd we do?
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Speaker 1: Paid off her house. Now she could relax, she could
9:56
Speaker 1: reduce her stress. Then we were able to come up
9:58
Speaker 1: with that amazing financial plan. And I don't call it
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Speaker 1: a budget because that's restriction. I call it a spending
10:03
Speaker 1: plan over the next five years to get them to retirement,
10:07
Speaker 1: to get them to where they want to be. And
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Speaker 1: she did it with way more fun, way more ease,
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Speaker 1: and way more joy because she got to get rid
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Speaker 1: of that really big fear that was, you know, her
10:17
Speaker 1: chip on her shoulder. So everybody is different, but when
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Speaker 1: we grow up with money, when we grow up with money,
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Speaker 1: stress and scarcity, it does show up. Here's the trick,
10:27
Speaker 1: here's the big aha wooho moment. We all have a
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Speaker 1: relationship with money, and it does not start when you're eighteen.
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Speaker 2: Sorry.
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Speaker 1: It starts when you're eight, starts when you're five, it
10:37
Speaker 1: starts when you're three. It starts in your household growing up,
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Speaker 1: and how people felt about money comes out in your
10:44
Speaker 1: relationship with money today. That is basically one hundred percent
10:48
Speaker 1: of my coaching business is helping people realize that they
10:53
Speaker 1: have subconscious beliefs around money. Fears around money that we
10:56
Speaker 1: need to clear out. Simple as that, and when we
10:59
Speaker 1: clear them out, it's all good. There's another question that
11:02
Speaker 1: we might have money secrecy. Oh goodness. If one parent
11:07
Speaker 1: hides purchases, debt or accounts from another, children may learn
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Speaker 1: from that financial honesty isn't necessary and hiding money decisions
11:17
Speaker 1: are normal.
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Speaker 2: That is not okay. I know we see this in
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Speaker 2: the movies all the time.
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Speaker 1: The mom or the wife might buy a purse or
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Speaker 1: do something that they hide and they don't tell the husband.
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Speaker 1: They really don't want to tell. They just want to
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Speaker 1: deal with it. They don't want to deal with the
11:30
Speaker 1: arguing and the fighting. Whatever it might be. They might
11:32
Speaker 1: have a great reason for it. Now, there's also obviously
11:35
Speaker 1: financial abuse as well. I have several clients that have
11:38
Speaker 1: experienced that, and I'm a certified divorce financial analyst, so
11:41
Speaker 1: I've had several cases that the less income earner was
11:48
Speaker 1: definitely experiencing financial abuse where they had no access to
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Speaker 1: any accounts, any information. They've never seen their taxes, they
11:59
Speaker 1: never knew what anybody was spending, what anybody was making.
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Speaker 1: They just didn't have access to any of that. They'd
12:05
Speaker 1: have one account that they had access to that would
12:07
Speaker 1: get money put monthly, and that was it. They had
12:10
Speaker 1: no idea that they were actually multimillionaires and that they
12:13
Speaker 1: could do whatever they want to do. I've seen so
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Speaker 1: many cases of this. So financial secrecy is a no
12:20
Speaker 1: no as adults. Now, if you've experienced that as a child,
12:24
Speaker 1: you may be hiding your spending and your debt and
12:28
Speaker 1: making secrecy financial decisions in your relationship because you were
12:34
Speaker 1: taught that it was okay.
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Speaker 2: Now we all know.
12:37
Speaker 1: Let's see his name. I love being in my sixties.
12:40
Speaker 1: I can't remember damn thing. I can picture him right now. Anyways,
12:43
Speaker 1: he wrote a book on childhood shame and it was
12:47
Speaker 1: all about keeping a secret. Now, I know from twelve
12:49
Speaker 1: Step programs. Secrets are just terrible. They're the disease, right,
12:54
Speaker 1: they are the diseases keeping secrets. So if you're keeping
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Speaker 1: any type of secret from your spouse, business partner, or
13:01
Speaker 1: even your kids that you feel like you need to
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Speaker 1: share that with them, it is going to vester inside
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Speaker 1: your body. I believe in Louise Hey, I believe in
13:09
Speaker 1: you know, healing your body, and I believe in stress
13:12
Speaker 1: equals illness, anxiety, all of that. Right, So when we
13:17
Speaker 1: are keeping secrets. It's not healthy for us. We're not
13:20
Speaker 1: making good decisions. And you probably don't have to keep
13:24
Speaker 1: the secret anyways. And if you do have to keep
13:26
Speaker 1: the secret, then you shouldn't be doing it. You should
13:28
Speaker 1: not be doing it because there's no reason to have
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Speaker 1: that extra stress on your body.
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Speaker 2: Okay.
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Speaker 1: Next, money is someone else's job. Okay, So if one
13:37
Speaker 1: parent handles the finances, why another completely disengages and the
13:41
Speaker 1: children may believe that money management is not their responsibility.
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Speaker 1: Somebody else will handle it. So how many of you
13:47
Speaker 1: out there have experienced that? So that again is something
13:51
Speaker 1: that we can fix, and I do that as well
13:53
Speaker 1: as a financial advisor. I partner with my clients. A
13:57
Speaker 1: lot of women come in. A lot of men actually
13:59
Speaker 1: bring me their wives because they want their wives educated
14:01
Speaker 1: and they don't want to fight, so they bring in
14:04
Speaker 1: as the couple and then we educate the wife about
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Speaker 1: the finances. Now, she might be the bigger breadwinner as well.
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Speaker 1: I've had that probably fifty percent of the time, my
14:15
Speaker 1: women earn more than the men. Not about the earnings,
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Speaker 1: It's about feeling comfortable around money, having that good relationship
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Speaker 1: with money, and being okay to handle the finances. Now,
14:25
Speaker 1: there's daily finances and then there's annual finances. Right, so
14:29
Speaker 1: there's the cash flow and the spending plan, which is
14:33
Speaker 1: our daily situation, and then we have our big our
14:36
Speaker 1: retirement savings, our savings and our accounts, what are big
14:40
Speaker 1: purchases that we're going to make, and our future Sometimes
14:43
Speaker 1: those most of the time, those are two different people.
14:45
Speaker 1: So what I make sure is that with my couples
14:48
Speaker 1: that they're both on the same page with both your
14:50
Speaker 1: daily spending and your future spending. And however we do
14:54
Speaker 1: that together. I want you both educated on both sides
14:57
Speaker 1: of the situation. Now, when we have spouses and when
15:01
Speaker 1: we have business partners together, and when we have people
15:04
Speaker 1: doing money together, guess what, we have to uncover these
15:07
Speaker 1: childhood beliefs because they're the ones that are showing up
15:10
Speaker 1: in our life today. So we want to uncover what's
15:14
Speaker 1: happening when we grew up so that we can say, oh,
15:17
Speaker 1: she doesn't want to spend money on that, but really
15:19
Speaker 1: that's her child saying that she can't afford it. So really,
15:22
Speaker 1: if we look at all the numbers, we actually can
15:24
Speaker 1: afford it, and then we can have a nice conversation
15:27
Speaker 1: instead of you know, rebelling or just spending it anyways,
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Speaker 1: Like there's so many different ways, right. Someone else's job too,
15:34
Speaker 1: leaves your other person overwhelmed. Nobody wants to do it
15:38
Speaker 1: all on their own. So I do partner with a
15:41
Speaker 1: lot of wives that it is on their shoulders to
15:43
Speaker 1: handle all this. Either the husband doesn't have time or
15:46
Speaker 1: it doesn't really want to deal with it, even just
15:48
Speaker 1: the cash flow part. He might handle the retirement savings
15:50
Speaker 1: investing might be fine, but she's overwhelmed just by handling
15:54
Speaker 1: the household, and so I partner with her to make
15:56
Speaker 1: sure that everything's spending according to their budget and what
15:59
Speaker 1: they want. If you can hear my cat, but Luna
16:02
Speaker 1: is at my feet dying to come up here. She's
16:04
Speaker 1: gonna knock something off in a minute, I can tell you. Okay,
16:07
Speaker 1: so love our little creatures, right, she's adorable. I'll try
16:10
Speaker 1: to bring her up one of these times, okay, next one.
16:14
Speaker 1: Love money equals love or approval, Oh my goodness. And
16:18
Speaker 1: some conflicts inside of our growing up homes. A parent
16:22
Speaker 1: might compensate emotionally with spending, such as buying gifts and
16:26
Speaker 1: after a fight, maybe or after a bad evening over
16:29
Speaker 1: spending out of guilt, and children may associate money with
16:32
Speaker 1: affection or approval. Now I can say that I experienced
16:38
Speaker 1: this growing up. So my parents. My dad was an alcoholic,
16:42
Speaker 1: we have said that on the show before. My mom
16:45
Speaker 1: was an Grade A codependent, and there was times they
16:50
Speaker 1: were very frugal in daily lives, but then they would
16:55
Speaker 1: splurge on other things. But I could tell when my
16:58
Speaker 1: mom would take me out when she did not like
16:59
Speaker 1: to shop, but she'd take me out shopping when she
17:01
Speaker 1: was mad at my dad. I can say at handed,
17:04
Speaker 1: maybe three or four times in my life that I
17:05
Speaker 1: can actually remember. But it did give me that same
17:10
Speaker 1: type of feeling that if I wanted to go award
17:13
Speaker 1: myself for something and change my feeling that I could
17:18
Speaker 1: go buy something. Now, I never was an overspender or
17:21
Speaker 1: anything like that, but it did give me like to me,
17:26
Speaker 1: it gave me the feeling of like payback. It wasn't
17:28
Speaker 1: necessarily love or approval, but I got the payback feeling
17:33
Speaker 1: from that. So an adult pattern from love or approval
17:37
Speaker 1: is they may engage in emotional spending or equate money
17:41
Speaker 1: with love. So now I don't want to confuse this
17:45
Speaker 1: with our five love languages. I think there's five. One
17:49
Speaker 1: of them is gift giving. Now, if you feel good
17:52
Speaker 1: when you give a gift, that's not necessarily trying to
17:56
Speaker 1: buy someone's love. That's not what we're saying, So keep
17:58
Speaker 1: those two separate. We are saying that some people might
18:03
Speaker 1: want to receive the gifts to feel like they're loved,
18:07
Speaker 1: and they might be treated like crap.
18:09
Speaker 2: Oh my god, you quite.
18:11
Speaker 1: They might be treated Sorry, they might be being treated
18:14
Speaker 1: like crap the rest of the time, but they might
18:16
Speaker 1: be wined and dined, or they might be bought a
18:18
Speaker 1: car or just something crazy or a trip. You see
18:21
Speaker 1: this on TV all the time, right, And so when
18:24
Speaker 1: money equates to love, we either want to hang on
18:28
Speaker 1: to the money and we are not getting our true
18:30
Speaker 1: intimacy that we all deserve. Loving ourselves has to be first,
18:35
Speaker 1: and we can't We can't do that with money. Money
18:39
Speaker 1: is just a tool, y'all. It's literally just a tool.
18:42
Speaker 1: It is something that United States have brought up to say,
18:46
Speaker 1: trading goods and services for money, that's what it is.
18:49
Speaker 1: It's just a big old game. So we want to
18:52
Speaker 1: make sure that we are fulfilling ourselves with love and
18:55
Speaker 1: loving ourselves before we start worrying about the money issues,
19:00
Speaker 1: So we got to do that first, which, of course
19:02
Speaker 1: money coach would be fabulous at helping you do that
19:05
Speaker 1: so that you can take care of your money along
19:07
Speaker 1: with loving yourself at the same time. Okay, last one,
19:11
Speaker 1: money equals survival and a very high conflict home financial stability.
19:14
Speaker 1: Children may feel like they must take care of themselves
19:16
Speaker 1: financially and not count on anyone else.
19:19
Speaker 2: I don't know.
19:19
Speaker 1: About you, but I did work my whole life. My
19:22
Speaker 1: dad gave me, my parents gave me an allowance all
19:25
Speaker 1: the time, so I did not have this growing up.
19:28
Speaker 1: But a lot of my clients have as well, and
19:31
Speaker 1: so they want to make sure that they are separate.
19:36
Speaker 1: So the husband and wife will come to me with
19:38
Speaker 1: separate separate money, separate bank accounts, separate everything, because it
19:42
Speaker 1: is survival for them and for a lot of us
19:45
Speaker 1: women out there. Money is our survival, it is our security,
19:50
Speaker 1: it is our future. We want to make sure that
19:52
Speaker 1: we're not going to be bag ladies and catwomen and
19:55
Speaker 1: all of those stereotypes that we've heard, and that's okay.
19:58
Speaker 1: We can actually work through the belief so that we
20:01
Speaker 1: don't feel that way. So if you're feeling that way,
20:04
Speaker 1: that's a trigger that you need to look back at
20:06
Speaker 1: those beliefs and address your money accordingly. Have your savings,
20:11
Speaker 1: have your budgeting, have your spending plan so that you
20:14
Speaker 1: know where your money is, and all of these things
20:16
Speaker 1: are going to feel better.
20:17
Speaker 2: I hope this was good for y'all.
20:19
Speaker 1: I have another show coming right up, so check out
20:21
Speaker 1: all the episodes of the Live the Diamond Life, Q
20:23
Speaker 1: and A and I want you all to be able
20:25
Speaker 1: to say I rock my finances.
20:29
Speaker 3: We appreciate you joining us today, and don't forget to
20:32
Speaker 3: subscribe to the Rock my Finances YouTube channel for more
20:35
Speaker 3: engagement and bonus content. Tell me what is your money story?
20:40
Speaker 3: Let's find out with Jennifer right here on K four
20:43
Speaker 3: HD Radio and Talk for TV. It's not about the zero,
20:47
Speaker 3: It's about the F word, feelings, feelings. Jennifer can't wait
20:51
Speaker 3: to explore with you next week. Until then, let's all
20:55
Speaker 3: say I rock my finances.