Latest / MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose / Episode 147: My Mother’s Day Gift to You 💐💐—You Need to Hear This (with Sharon Mankin)

Transcript

Episode 147: My Mother’s Day Gift to You 💐💐—You Need to Hear This (with Sharon Mankin) · MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose

0:06
[SPEAKER_00]: This is Cynthia Gannoff, and you are listening to the mesmerized podcast.
0:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, guys, welcome to the podcast.
0:16
[SPEAKER_00]: And I am so glad that you're here, happy Mother's Day week.
0:20
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, I'm going to start by giving you a little Mother's Day story, if you will.
0:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It's story time.
0:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it is.
0:25
[SPEAKER_00]: But also, just a reminder of just a gratitude of parenting, and of being a mother, even when things seem hard or unknown or scary.
0:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Today, I am driving to Austin as I'm taping this.
0:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I will be driving to Austin later today with one of my best friends, Brandy, and what special about our friendship is that our entire family is really close.
0:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Her two sons, my two sons, but our daughters, they became best friends in third grade, and they were best friends all the way through high school, and then they ended up going to college together.
0:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And so they lived together all five years that they've been at UT.
1:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Reagan is in a master's program Kate took a gap year and now she has headed law school.
1:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's a new season.
1:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And in a few months, Reagan will be getting married and, like I said, Kate will be leaving.
1:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I will never forget when we first went to UT with these girls.
1:18
[SPEAKER_00]: They were into high school, maybe earlier than that.
1:20
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was time for orientation.
1:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was during COVID.
1:22
[SPEAKER_00]: So we really hadn't toured the school.
1:24
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't feel like I knew that much.
1:25
[SPEAKER_00]: about UT and we went to dinner and this really cool restaurant in Austin.
1:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember sitting there, which is a lump in my throat.
1:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't sure if I was going to throw up or cry, thinking how was my daughter going to navigate the city?
1:38
[SPEAKER_00]: There has so much going on and if you're from Austin, I love you Austin, but there's also a lot going on there and how will she navigate this huge university with so many different thoughts and beliefs and things that
1:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, we do agree with the things we don't agree with, and she's been in this private Christian school and how can I shelter her the next four years and just just being so out of sorts about it.
2:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And I fast forward now, all these years later, and tonight, Brandy and I are going back to dinner at that same place with our daughters.
2:08
[SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of wrapping up a season since my daughterly moving and her daughter's getting married.
2:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think about how grateful I am.
2:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, hear me, there was some hard seasons of college for my daughter, for me, for all of us, some seasons of anxiety, there was some seasons of friendship issues, there was hard seasons for the rest of our family, back in Dallas, all the things.
2:29
[SPEAKER_00]: But I look back on this and how faithful the Lord was through it all and so good.
2:35
[SPEAKER_00]: and how he grew up these girls and protected them and loved them so well and Reagan met her husband and my daughter dated so many incredible people and learned so much.
2:48
[SPEAKER_00]: They learned a lot academically and if you listen last week's podcast where she and Molly were on and they learned so much outside of the classroom.
2:55
[SPEAKER_00]: But I also watched my daughter baptize several of her young lives, girls, these young mamas that will now be in the kingdom forever.
3:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I saw my daughter do ministry.
3:04
[SPEAKER_00]: I've seen my daughter recruit foster families this last year.
3:08
[SPEAKER_00]: None of this because we're all so great, but because the Lord was so faithful.
3:12
[SPEAKER_00]: He knew where she was supposed to be and I would have done anything for her to go to Baylor where I went to college that felt a little bit more secure or to a smaller school or closer to home, but the Lord had a plan and he was so good.
3:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, as we go in a mother's day, that's what I'm holding to.
3:27
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I'm grateful for.
3:28
[SPEAKER_00]: There's been hard, of course, remains hard things with all my kids in certain areas.
3:34
[SPEAKER_00]: But that gratefulness and that gratitude that the Lord guided the path and that he has was best for our kids.
3:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, I just want to wish you a happy mother's day and just encourage you to find those places, as many of those stones of remembrance where you can say, I didn't know how this was going to play out, but the Lord is faithful.
3:52
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's my stone of remembrance as I go to dinner tonight at this place will surely take a picture.
3:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll probably post it for you and just remember all the ways that God has been faithful today on the podcast is Sharon Manken and she is a new friend and my goodness.
4:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I cannot even take it.
4:08
[SPEAKER_00]: She is so wise.
4:10
[SPEAKER_00]: She's a grandmother, a mom, amazing.
4:12
[SPEAKER_00]: My friend Courtney Defeo told me about her, and I just felt like instantly she spoke to my soul.
4:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, in honor of Mother's Day, I can't think of a better guest to have for you today.
4:21
[SPEAKER_00]: So, she's going to be with us.
4:22
[SPEAKER_00]: She is going to share all kinds of wisdom.
4:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Would you do me a favor?
4:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Would you do one of two things?
4:27
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe both.
4:28
[SPEAKER_00]: If you love the show, maybe as a Mother's Day gift to me, would you leave a review?
4:32
[SPEAKER_00]: But would you also share
4:36
[SPEAKER_00]: continue with us helping us grow this show to more and more people that will be encouraged would you do that?
4:41
[SPEAKER_00]: That would mean so much.
4:42
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, with all of that said, kick it off with Sharon.
4:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Sharon, man, can welcome the mesmerized.
4:53
[SPEAKER_00]: How are you?
4:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Hi, Cynthia.
4:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm doing great this morning.
4:57
[SPEAKER_00]: You and I are laughing because it's our, it's Monday morning is we're taping this and it's been a Monday morning over here for sure.
5:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm coming in with no makeup from a wedding late last night.
5:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Baby's sitting at my friend's foster kiddo.
5:09
[SPEAKER_00]: My youngest isn't even school today because it's one of those Mondays and you're like, you know what?
5:14
[SPEAKER_00]: It's life, we're good.
5:15
[SPEAKER_00]: So thanks.
5:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for letting me show it all.
5:17
[SPEAKER_01]: for somebody who desires authenticity like you do with mesmerized you're coming in very authentically which I appreciate.
5:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure your listeners do too.
5:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Very true to how life goes over here.
5:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Where are you in life?
5:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Tell everybody a little bit about you.
5:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so I'll be 65 and August, and we, I was a homemaker and ministry leader through the years and reinvented myself actually when the kids left and became a leadership coach, which was a surprise to me, but I had discovered by doing my work that I had been dedicated as a teacher, and then I was raising my kids, and the thing God made me to do was help people grow, like, cheer them on to growth.
5:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Leadership Coach was a great next step.
6:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I would have never seen coming ever.
6:04
[SPEAKER_01]: So who do you could reinvite yourself in your 50s?
6:07
[SPEAKER_01]: So that was really exciting.
6:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Today we are a married to Dwight.
6:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I call him Mr.
6:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Wonderful because he is.
6:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And we have 10 grandkids.
6:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm spending probably most of my time is with him and with our grandkids.
6:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I have my own little tribe to invest in now again.
6:23
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's still really love, mentoring, and coaching.
6:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, that's right.
6:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that and you've coached women for some time now and you speak and mentoring them what do you women listening and I know this is a broad like I'm throwing a softball this isn't for everybody but I'm throwing a softball to let you share what is it that women probably know deep down but they need to be reminded of over and over again.
6:54
[SPEAKER_01]: When someone reaches out to me for advice or wisdom or whatever, they come to me and they're usually confused.
7:01
[SPEAKER_01]: They say I'm just so confused about what's happening right now or where I am.
7:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And I always am able to reassure them.
7:07
[SPEAKER_01]: They're not as confused as they think they are.
7:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And with a little time and some questions, we can revisit what's most important to you.
7:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Your values, your identity, how God made you.
7:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I had that help back when I had my crisis of identity, you know, post motherhood to reorient myself and and find those threads.
7:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So, um, I just want to encourage women that it's in them that it is there, um, and we're just going too fast and we need to stop for a second pause and invite.
7:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Feedback from friends and family and seek the Holy Spirit and read mind ourselves once again like who we are.
7:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Our identity and Christ first of course, but then just our purpose and why we're here and We're not as confused as we think we are.
7:52
[SPEAKER_01]: We just let her head spin.
7:53
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was listening to you on a different podcast and you said that a lot of times You encourage women to sit down
8:01
[SPEAKER_00]: with maybe their mom or other close women in their life and ask questions of each other, but to say, what am I good at?
8:10
[SPEAKER_00]: What do I spend lots of time thinking about?
8:13
[SPEAKER_00]: What energizes me?
8:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, are there specific questions and that you could tell us or are those the ones?
8:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And why is that important?
8:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, no, those are great.
8:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And those are just kind of simple questions, which are very profound, actually.
8:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And you don't have to make them complicated.
8:31
[SPEAKER_01]: She did a conference one time, Cynthia and I had every woman get their phone out and text someone and asked them what their superpower was.
8:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And that information was coming in in real time and women were weeping.
8:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, we just don't know how awesome we are.
8:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And we really focus so much on the negative that we can't see the superpower within us.
8:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, um,
8:50
[SPEAKER_01]: It takes a lot of courage to ask somebody to tell them about how awesome you are, but that it's worth it.
8:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And for me, I do it for people who don't want to ask, you know, I'll send out questions.
8:59
[SPEAKER_01]: You can get a buddy to do it for you, you know?
9:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
9:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And so just to remind you that there's more to you than just the negative, because that's what we always go to.
9:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, it's funny, one of my friends, shout out, Danielle.
9:10
[SPEAKER_00]: She told me her 50th birthday, which was years ago, not trying to sell her out on her age, by the way.
9:16
[SPEAKER_00]: But she had a gathering of women that are close to her, and it was like 10 of us, maybe.
9:21
[SPEAKER_00]: And she had written this note card thing, which was beautifully illustrated, because she's very creative that way.
9:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And it had all the things she sees in us, on this note card.
9:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And so she went around to each person on her birthday and she said this what I see but one of the things she said about me that as stuck with me This is underscoring your point is she said your connector of people and you set up ways for people to make memories and to come together and I thought
9:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I've never thought of that.
9:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Like people, I like to have people over and I'm super extroverted, but her positioning it in that way that connecting people and giving them a place to make memories, then it spurred on me wanting to do that.
10:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'd be like, okay, I can do this, like it's great, let's organize this, and people can come together and have these memories together and like it's kind of
10:10
[SPEAKER_00]: It's enlightened the way I do things and it wasn't that she brought out something I didn't know I had I just didn't see it in that light and what you're saying makes me think of that like that's what we all need to be reminded Like this is what you you are you are excelling and this like do it keep doing it press well that same thing happened with me And I appreciate your friend because it's in you, but you do it so naturally that you think everybody does it
10:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, like literally you assume everybody does the same thing.
10:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm an open door girl.
10:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I invite people in until I was with friends that had social anxiety and didn't do that.
10:44
[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, wait, and they're prayer warriors or they're, you know, they just have different needs or callings.
10:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I love the fact that we can name it for someone because then it does become an identity.
10:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And so then you begin instead of saying, you know, now you say, hey, I'm a connector.
11:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I can clearly tell you that I help people grow because of the work I did with my coach.
11:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Like,
11:05
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, 12 years ago, she sat with me and we talked through what I'm good at.
11:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And to me, I felt like a, you know, old retired school teacher, a mother with no children at home.
11:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I, I went to a cocktail party with my husband and they're like, what do you do?
11:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, I'm happily and cheerfully a homemaker.
11:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm raising my kids.
11:23
[SPEAKER_01]: They're like, oh, tell me about your kids.
11:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, oh, they don't live at home anymore.
11:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I had totally lost my way.
11:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like,
11:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what I'm doing, and so you can take that thing that you are and God will reinvent it in a new season, which I think is so beautiful because that is what he made you to do.
11:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And so now I'm doing it with women, you know, they're just, you know, growing up as hard no matter if you're five or you're 55.
11:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And having someone cheer you on to that is really special.
11:52
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that.
11:53
[SPEAKER_00]: So good.
11:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, let's talk about raising kids.
11:57
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to hit every area.
11:58
[SPEAKER_00]: I've already been thinking to myself, no idea what we're going to title this episode because you have so much wisdom and I want to tap into it.
12:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to jump around a little bit.
12:06
[SPEAKER_00]: But you talk about raising kids when your kiddos were still at home.
12:12
[SPEAKER_00]: And you said something that really stuck with me.
12:16
[SPEAKER_00]: You said it's really important to know the DNA of your family and
12:20
[SPEAKER_00]: and even to have a family vision statement.
12:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was thinking about that.
12:25
[SPEAKER_00]: And I believe you said this or maybe I thought it and I'm attributing to you either way, so tell me if I'm wrong.
12:31
[SPEAKER_00]: But basically, we all have a vision statement for our family, whether or not we've identified it.
12:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I would say our actions, how we spend our resources, how we show up for people or don't show up for people, what we've invested in missionally like,
12:45
[SPEAKER_00]: you have a mission statement whether or not but why not be intentional and I like this like what is the DNA of your family.
12:52
[SPEAKER_00]: How did you do that?
12:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, first of all, you got to have a target.
12:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Michael Highett talks about the drift, and we're literally drifting in the tidal wave of culture if we don't have a vision or a target for our family.
13:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And within that target, some real rules.
13:09
[SPEAKER_01]: My kids are doing it better than I did, because I wasn't fighting the battles as hard as they were with technology and so forth.
13:15
[SPEAKER_01]: My kids didn't even rope in the cell phone agent until they were in high school.
13:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And so,
13:18
[SPEAKER_01]: But they are putting serious boundaries around that now that we know all of those kind of things and so it's like those rules that support that vision But when we looked at what our family was made to do we had to consider the personalities everyone in our family Because you will have introverts and extroverts in the family and when you're led as far as the leader of our home of course my husband he was
13:42
[SPEAKER_01]: typical corporate guy, you know, out all the time.
13:44
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no remote work at the time I was raising my kid.
13:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So he was gone a lot and so I set the tone of our family a lot and he and I work together on that.
13:53
[SPEAKER_01]: But, you know, I had an introvert kid who was like, can it just be us and then I had an extrovert kid that, you know, her first,
14:00
[SPEAKER_01]: The thing that she said online was like play 24 seven that was like her name online like you know She's never won the party stop and so I have to combine all that but then we go to the Biblical stuff like you know We are to care for our neighbors and open our doors and so how do we do that in the context of our family and so our son grew through that our our daughter learned how to rest you know at times and so that we navigated that but
14:25
[SPEAKER_01]: We wrote a mission statement.
14:27
[SPEAKER_01]: There's lots of resources in the world to do that.
14:31
[SPEAKER_01]: But you start by just examining, like you said, where we spend our money and our resources and our time are we spending investing that in the place we want to go.
14:42
[SPEAKER_01]: So you evaluate that.
14:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And I even have some questions, you know, regarding that, we could probably do a link for your listeners if they wanted to kind of play around with questions with that.
14:52
[SPEAKER_01]: But, you know, it takes some time and you got it.
14:56
[SPEAKER_01]: You got it.
14:57
[SPEAKER_01]: We did it over coffee on Saturday mornings and then we brought it to our kids.
15:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Is this true about us?
15:01
[SPEAKER_01]: because everybody has to buy in.
15:04
[SPEAKER_01]: All of our adult children have mission statements, and they recite it before bed, like it's now part of their little routine.
15:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So just like the pledge of allegiance, it's a pledge to who we are for their family.
15:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's getting deep into what they know to do, and who they're happy.
15:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Without probing or being too nosy and if I'm being nosy, please tell me.
15:25
[SPEAKER_00]: But would you mind sharing even a little bit of what was important in the DNA of your family?
15:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I'm thinking of mine, we've never had like a mission statement per se.
15:33
[SPEAKER_00]: But I would say, and my kids would, and my older one, especially with a great idea, it's like, we've said all along, I mean, obviously faith first, like we are, we are follows of Jesus.
15:42
[SPEAKER_00]: no matter what always, even when it's some popular, but aside from that, we have been very intentional about everybody has a place in our home, like it is an open door, everybody has a place that they can be here and be safe and be loved and seen, and then also we do hard things.
16:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And we talk about this a lot in our family that we're going to be people that do hard things, and that is a muscle you exercise.
16:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's, um, um, one, those are kind of like if I think DNA things, what about you?
16:11
[SPEAKER_00]: What are DNA things if you don't mind?
16:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I can quote the mission statement, which is our open door and invite you to join us as we live in the sacred rhythms of God's mercy and grace, loving, challenging, and encouraging, celebrating each other along the way.
16:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we've taken each of those words basically speaks to what we do, right?
16:30
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to equip you, we're going to love you, we're going to celebrate you.
16:33
[SPEAKER_01]: We're not going to let you stay where you are.
16:35
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to open our door to people who need a place to be.
16:38
[SPEAKER_01]: For us, that looks like even my daughter would give up her bedroom for short-term missionaries on furlough.
16:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And this kind of thing, we looked for opportunities.
16:48
[SPEAKER_01]: We did life on life discipleship with single women who lived with us for long periods of time and became part of our family.
16:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, when I say that, some people are like, oh my gosh, I can never do that.
16:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, well, I don't know if you're called to do that, you know?
17:01
[SPEAKER_01]: But I was, if my gift is to help people grow, that's one of some of the ways that God allowed me to use that gift.
17:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, you know, I think it enhanced our family, just with our deep value for generosity as well.
17:15
[SPEAKER_01]: But what I love is that if you ask her kids, they will tell you, so your listeners can go half a family night, sit around the table and say, what do you think is most important to our family?
17:24
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and they will tell you, young and old, and some of that you're going to love, and some of you are not going to love.
17:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's a great place to start, just dialogueing.
17:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And then, of course, the best exercise for me in the whole world is the eulogy exercise.
17:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, this is where you want to go period.
17:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And I break that eulogy exercise, which most people write, what do you want the most important people to say about you at your funeral?
17:47
[SPEAKER_01]: But I back it up to,
17:50
[SPEAKER_01]: especially for soon to be empty nesters.
17:54
[SPEAKER_01]: We did this a senior year of my daughter's life, and we were having a stressful senior year.
18:00
[SPEAKER_01]: She was in your senior year.
18:01
[SPEAKER_01]: They're just super entitled, and they think they can do anything and go anywhere, and they get out of school early, and they just have a lot of freedom.
18:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And I remember us feeling like we were just digging our heels and trying to train or, and then I was panicking, because I was like, what if I not taught you?
18:17
[SPEAKER_01]: What if it not taught you?
18:18
[SPEAKER_01]: We were not prepared.
18:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I kind of got over-functioning, and I remember mid-year, we both decided to just take a deep breath and relax about all of that.
18:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Take a pause, make a commitment, and go a different direction.
18:34
[SPEAKER_01]: The question you can ask when you're like out of control is when my daughter walks into her dorm room and she meets her roommate, who she's never known before, and she said, tell me about your mom or dad, what do you want them to say?
18:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And my daughter's story ended up being like, well, the first of the year, they were a mess, but at the end of the year, it was awesome because we literally chilled and, um,
19:00
[SPEAKER_01]: We celebrated her.
19:01
[SPEAKER_01]: We encouraged her.
19:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I quit panicking about everything I needed to teach her and just began to trust the Lord with her and so we ended up really in a great place As we moved her into college, but it's a lot of it because I didn't want her to say well, we fought all year or yes, you know, so anyway, so shorten that that what do you want them to say about you?
19:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, from new logic, to different seasons in life, even to their wife or to their, you know, anyway.
19:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's so good, that's so good.
19:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I like that even when you're like, I don't know where I was going at that.
19:30
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, are you just giving me 72 things to think about in the midst of you saying, you don't know what you're going at that, it was bad.
19:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Good.
19:36
[SPEAKER_00]: How do I do that?
19:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Talk to me about this over-functioning.
19:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's a brilliant thought right there because I've done it.
19:46
[SPEAKER_00]: and I've watched it a lot.
19:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've seen most profoundly as we get our kids ready to go to college and we get in the panic mode or even early college that talked to me what what did that look like and when you felt that in your life like you mentioned senior year what is overfunctioning if someone's like what does that even mean what does that look like signs of that and he thought
20:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, now I'm a recovering over-functioner and an enigramed to my helper.
20:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I see your needs before you see them.
20:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I saw of your problems before you know you have them.
20:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It is, you know, when your super power becomes a curse, this is it, and over-functioning is truly,
20:32
[SPEAKER_01]: just enablement.
20:33
[SPEAKER_01]: It is not helping anyone grow and a thing goodness.
20:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I did the work even 15 years ago because I think I'm going to healthier adult parent.
20:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Like your kids too, you move them away from the light socket.
20:44
[SPEAKER_01]: He cannot solve his own problem.
20:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And so the definition of co-dependency in the simplest terms even beyond what in the drug, you know, and recovery community, but also down to the smallest thing with parenting is and I, you know, carrying more about your problem than you are period.
21:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Like if I care more about your problem than you do, then it's going to be very hard for you to ever care and if I fix it, you're done because I'm basically sent to the message that you're not capable.
21:10
[SPEAKER_01]: So,
21:10
[SPEAKER_01]: That's been huge for me, and even now, because I'm close to my adult children, I talk to the girls all the time, I'm with my daughter and her kids two or three times a week.
21:22
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I have to stand down because she's the mom.
21:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And so even when I want to step up, I'm like, you know, there's another way to skin this cat.
21:30
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I don't know.
21:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, just really standing down.
21:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, co-dependency, you know, we've got to shed that.
21:36
[SPEAKER_01]: We've got to make sure that we,
21:38
[SPEAKER_01]: become the coach, not the, the rescuing parent, you know, the best coach in the world as a question, you know, or invites, would you like my help, you know, instead of inserting yourself.
21:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And so the other thing that I, the picture of my husband gave me, which I just love is she's like, just be a storm wall, honey, just stand there, be a storm wall.
21:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And so if they come to you with problems, just let those problems hit the wall.
22:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I should know this better than anyone as an extrovert when I'm confused or I have something I can't
22:08
[SPEAKER_01]: If it's in my head, an introverts can whiteboard in their head.
22:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I cannot.
22:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So I have to literally put it out there on a whiteboard with my words.
22:17
[SPEAKER_01]: and then being a safe enough place where I can take it back because a lot of times I'll say something then I'll see it and I'm like oh that's not it all what I mean but that's not what all how it feels you know and so that extra thing so being a storm wall is the best thing you can do because if you trust that because especially if they're believers have the Holy Spirit and they're if you give them just a minute to think they'll figure it out you can stand there and just take it and be their whiteboard be the thing that they bump against and then they finally can see so
22:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, that's good.
22:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I could go on and on about ever functioning.
22:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, yes, I know about this.
22:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I think about it all through my like, through parenting and many seasons where I was not, but many where I can look out that when you're saying, do you care more about it than they do?
23:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember, you know, Friday afternoons and
23:05
[SPEAKER_00]: My kids not being invited to whatever or not having someone to play with and just you know I've got to figure this out and find someone for you know and like over-functioning in that and realizing They don't care.
23:16
[SPEAKER_00]: They are tired.
23:17
[SPEAKER_00]: They wanted to come home and and then you fast forward that to high school and you know I I was a particularly this way and I do think the Lord
23:25
[SPEAKER_00]: blessed me and that I got really busy during high school now early college years speaking and doing other things and I just didn't have the band with to over function which was actually a blessing for my children because I mean I watched people when trying to get their kids and the right I'm air quoting the right colleges and you know hiring all these experts and obsessing and I'm like these people are losing sleep and their kids are fine they're like oh you know there's a couple
23:55
[SPEAKER_00]: it is interesting how it's all in the name of being a good parent, and especially in today's culture that is so helicoptery that it's it's can be countercultural to step out of it.
24:08
[SPEAKER_01]: So I learned a new word you're going to love, which you're going to hate, but you may know it, but it's totally, I thought it last year and it's called enmeshment.
24:16
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like a total relational
24:19
[SPEAKER_01]: unhealthy thing and unlike codependency and measurement mean so so so sendia I have an empathy meter that screams like it just screams like I'm with you and you're in grief I am physically to the core of my body grieving with you like I you know so that's that's and measurement now you could call it compassion or sympathy or
24:42
[SPEAKER_01]: empathy and to a degree, it's good.
24:46
[SPEAKER_01]: But when my feelings become so big, I want your feelings to stop, so my feelings will stop.
24:52
[SPEAKER_01]: So I over-function and I try to make you happy or jump through hoops, your kids suffering on the other end of the line, you can't take the pain of suffering with them.
25:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So you fix it, you Amazon them something, you edit their paper, you, you, you, you, you, and that was brand new to me like oh wait why do I do that it's actually to rescue me because I don't like to feel the pain of their pain.
25:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And so,
25:15
[SPEAKER_01]: When you're enmeshed, you know, in a healthy way, you're offering tears and tendors suggestions and you're encouraging them and you're reminding them of their faith and their trust that Jesus is going to take them through this.
25:27
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you're in an unhealthy way enmeshed, your impenetra screams, you don't like the way you feel, so you fix them, so you won't feel the way they feel.
25:34
[SPEAKER_01]: It is such a crazy, awesome thing for a mom to know, because most moms, even if they aren't wired like me, have that.
25:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Your work for your, what they say, your only is happy is your unhappiest kid.
25:47
[SPEAKER_00]: which is such a, like, I stitched, I take such issue with that because I bought into that for like 10 years and I realized like, that's not healthy for me or them.
25:57
[SPEAKER_00]: And somebody always, if you have a couple kids, somebody's always struggling, like my goodness.
26:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I love that you brought up that because you hear that all the time, you're only happy as you're at least happy kid or what, I'm like, no, this is an opportunity for faith.
26:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, and we know, I mean, I heard your podcast.
26:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, with Sissy Goffin in this whole, how are we going to raise a capable kid?
26:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know what else?
26:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I love the Johnny Cuff podcast you did because he didn't say this in the podcast, but I've read his books on a fan.
26:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when he did his mindset one, he talked to a guy who never seems to get flustered when things didn't go as a way.
26:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And he asked him what the magic was.
26:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And he said it was, it always works out for me.
26:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It always works out for me.
26:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, we know that's in Romans.
26:42
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't want to use a platitude of all things work together for good, but that's true, right?
26:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And he said it, it really flipped the switch for him.
26:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love it.
26:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So my husband and I do it all the time.
26:53
[SPEAKER_01]: We have a kid that's in a challenging situation right now.
26:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And hey, hey, honey, this always works out for us.
26:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, bring it down.
27:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And this is a spiritual truth.
27:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and we don't, we're not being flippant, um, but, but, you know, what's what our mantra is now, you know?
27:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if it works out, God intended it to be.
27:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, he is at work, we're in here, yes.
27:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Then we can, and we can disrupt his plan for our child's growth in learning, by inserting ourselves.
27:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And so,
27:27
[SPEAKER_01]: my favorite question this year, which has been super helpful, is to just pause, which I learned from John Aldridge, just the pause, and say, Lord, help me see what's really going on here.
27:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Like any moment of
27:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Confusion.
27:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I see a political story and I start to spin.
27:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, wait, what?
27:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Hold on.
27:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me find my footing.
27:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And there is so much of that happening in that, especially with empty nesters because as you're walking through life with your little, you have one goal, one goal, one goal, and your raising kids.
28:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, everything else is happening, but you're also just under this one umbrella of this massive goal.
28:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just transitions.
28:17
[SPEAKER_01]: For the rest of your life, so many transitions.
28:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, in 10 years, we've had three weddings, 10 grandchildren.
28:24
[SPEAKER_01]: We've sold our house.
28:25
[SPEAKER_01]: We've moved, yeah, we're selling another.
28:27
[SPEAKER_01]: It has just been so many transitions.
28:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not under the umbrella of one thing.
28:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're always like, feel like we're on open waters, just navigating the waves.
28:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you're in a transition, when you're anchored, you're tethered to the shore.
28:45
[SPEAKER_01]: But when you're in transition, you're on open water, and that boat is rocking, and if we just let ourselves will be thrown from side to side.
28:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And so this is why I love a moment of clarity, coaching, holistic spirit, what's really going on, because it takes our feet and widens our stance.
29:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Now we've got our arms out, now we're riding the waves.
29:06
[SPEAKER_01]: because we're standing on that the truth of that solid ground and so even though the world around us is rocking, we're not being thrown from side to side and so because transitions happen so often in this season and in our world, um,
29:22
[SPEAKER_01]: We're quick to course correct.
29:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm thrown over, right?
29:26
[SPEAKER_01]: But then I'm like, hold on.
29:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to spread my legs wide, like I'm on a skateboard or a surfboard.
29:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to think about what's really going on.
29:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So Cynthia, something funny happened this week.
29:43
[SPEAKER_01]: We have downsized from our family home about six years ago, which was painful for our kids and me, but really good for Dwight Knight.
29:52
[SPEAKER_01]: He really challenges to move on.
29:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Our neighborhood had gotten quiet.
29:56
[SPEAKER_01]: We were kind of stuck.
29:58
[SPEAKER_01]: We just didn't feel like we had an action my open door was not opening.
30:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, and so he said, let's sell the house and, of course, me, I'm kicking in screaming.
30:07
[SPEAKER_01]: This is a sacred ground, you know, so anyway, I give in because I know that deep inside me, he's right, but what I didn't know was that disruption would bring new vision.
30:22
[SPEAKER_01]: because I was so anchored to the past that I was like, I just couldn't see.
30:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And so it's just like taking a new route to work and seeing something you didn't, and I literally just discovered a coffee shop in our town because I went a different way.
30:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, oh, we love coffee shops.
30:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so excited.
30:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I was like, oh, and so we moved into a, sold our home and took a year, moved into a tiny apartment above a coffee shop, got to know all these young bracelets had a blast.
30:50
[SPEAKER_01]: It introduced me to a whole new world.
30:52
[SPEAKER_01]: It was still in our city, but it was a different neighborhood.
30:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I met people I'd never even lived here, like it was just amazing.
30:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we've learned that if you, you know, a lot of times life will disrupt you, right?
31:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Something comes at you.
31:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Something happens at diagnosis for smooth a job change.
31:07
[SPEAKER_01]: But sometimes you got to disrupt your life on purpose.
31:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't really know that.
31:11
[SPEAKER_01]: It was at the catalysts of my husband's vision for something new, and we got it, which was wonderful.
31:16
[SPEAKER_01]: In that move, we cleaned everything out.
31:18
[SPEAKER_01]: We've been into a townhouse style zero-lot line home, and so we really strong all of our stuff.
31:25
[SPEAKER_01]: But the one thing I didn't do was go through my kid's childhood boxes.
31:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So they were in the attic here, and we've been here six years.
31:33
[SPEAKER_01]: We're thinking about another move, and we're like, hey, we need to tackle this, finally.
31:36
[SPEAKER_01]: All of our kids own a home.
31:37
[SPEAKER_01]: We can hand them off, right?
31:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So Dwight and I pull them out.
31:41
[SPEAKER_01]: We line them up in the hallway upstairs.
31:43
[SPEAKER_01]: They've been sitting there for weeks.
31:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And do I just like just lie to match to them or just hand over like they are or just like honey it's what's the big deal and I have not been able I just like walk around them and I literally stood there last week and I said Lord was really going on here why can't I handle this stuff and he just whispered because it's your life's work.
32:08
[SPEAKER_01]: It would be like an author burning their books or a scientist burning his lab like I looked at that and it was so much It was everything that was important to me
32:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, they say you'll live in the empty nest longer than you ever did with your kids, but it's still that anchoring purposeful work of a parent.
32:28
[SPEAKER_01]: You're just like, oh, that was the moment.
32:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
32:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So anyway, through that insight, I told my, oh my word, I know why I can't do it.
32:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I feel like this is my life's work, which he validated.
32:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And then he said we still have to go into the house.
32:42
[SPEAKER_01]: No.
32:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But anyway, I feel like I can still, I can tackle it now just because I was stuck.
32:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So anyway, my new favorite thing.
32:49
[SPEAKER_01]: In this hectic world is, please pause.
32:52
[SPEAKER_01]: John Eldridge says, hampelbs up, pause.
32:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Do two things, Lord, everyone and everything belong to you.
33:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Give it, give it back.
33:01
[SPEAKER_01]: All this anxiety and all the things we're standing in.
33:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And my new question is, and then show me what's really going on.
33:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's been blowing me away, because if we just don't take time to listen to him.
33:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So I hope that's helpful, and then we'll just pause and invite Pauli Spirits help.
33:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, and I like this idea of disrupting your life because it's funny.
33:20
[SPEAKER_00]: We were just talking in our house about whether or not we're going to need to move in a couple of years.
33:25
[SPEAKER_00]: And we have the, we still have a little kid at home, but we have a zip code issue with schools.
33:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter.
33:31
[SPEAKER_00]: But like, if you, I don't hold tight to a lot, but I hold tight to my house.
33:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and um, and I feel like even you say that like I feel like the Lord's kind of planting some things and shaking that a little bit and I think for all of us as women Um, that there's things we hold on to whether that's our child being at home that can troll over our children
33:52
[SPEAKER_00]: The next steps, the colleges, the home we live and like we grasp onto these things and it's probably different for a lot of us, maybe a lot of us it's our home, but the boxes with the stuff in it right we're grasping onto that and this idea of like one step back and ask the Lord like what is going on here, what's behind this, but to in that disruption, what was the wording you just use like that was an invitation into something new, new vision.
34:18
[SPEAKER_00]: just imagine.
34:20
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't see it.
34:21
[SPEAKER_01]: You've got to take away whatever is blocking you.
34:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, yes, yes, and and that it's okay to feel some loss in that, but also it's okay to feel some excitement and that the Lord is going to be moving you forward.
34:34
[SPEAKER_00]: And you can't move forward if you're so stuck hanging on to the things the past.
34:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And I will say, and parenting, that's been really something beautiful here.
34:42
[SPEAKER_00]: I've seen this with my middle son, especially you mentioned earlier, like the senior year, the entitlement.
34:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, he was grumpy.
34:48
[SPEAKER_00]: I was grumpy.
34:50
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I literally was like, you need counseling.
34:52
[SPEAKER_00]: You're just angry.
34:53
[SPEAKER_00]: like, and this is the greatest kid, and I would tell you something.
34:57
[SPEAKER_00]: He's home actually right now because they've been here for wedding.
34:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And I, he, last night the car, he was just going around complimenting each of us for how we were at this wedding.
35:05
[SPEAKER_00]: And like, he's just like awesome, not the, he does have bonehead of moments.
35:09
[SPEAKER_00]: But like, I was grasping so hard at the controlling and getting him ready to go and I like,
35:15
[SPEAKER_00]: So self absorbed in this.
35:17
[SPEAKER_00]: This kid was ready to fly and on the other side of it, I am like, I love who he is now.
35:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank goodness I didn't just try to keep him home and shelter him and there's just my beauty on the other side of it.
35:29
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think yes, that's an example of with one of my kiddos, but there's beauty on the other side of a different house or a new hobby or to sighting.
35:36
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to start something new.
35:38
[SPEAKER_00]: because you're empty, nesting, or whatever these things are, but you can't get to them if you can't let go of what you're so tightly gripping.
35:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just think that's a beautiful word, Sharon.
35:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for that.
35:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I have about 72 more hours of questions, but since we don't have that right now, I do want to talk to you about, well, will you come back to sometime?
35:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Can I just put you on the spot now?
36:00
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, delightful.
36:02
[SPEAKER_00]: I would love to thank you.
36:03
[SPEAKER_00]: You're amazing.
36:03
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so let's talk about this.
36:06
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a couple, I mean, I have so many questions that I wrote down that I want to ask you, but I'm going to try to hit the ones that I think are most important right now.
36:14
[SPEAKER_00]: You talked a lot about being an offindable, and the difference of judgment versus, you know, being offindable, those kind of things, and I'm working two things in there, and I'm not positive, I'm not positive, they even go together.
36:29
[SPEAKER_00]: But I want to know about that, and also this idea of being
36:35
[SPEAKER_00]: So talk to me about those and if those go together, great, if they don't that I just asked you two questions.
36:40
[SPEAKER_00]: But one, I do think we're the most offendable culture ever.
36:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And so let's talk about that.
36:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And then also this idea of getting curious around things with friends, maybe with our kids.
36:51
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
36:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, no, this is one of my power messages and I have tools to prove it.
36:56
[SPEAKER_01]: So I got a gavel and in my hand, if you can't, I'm not watching this on video, you can just, let me explain it.
37:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So I have a judges gavel in one hand and I have a magnifying glass and the other hand.
37:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And we are fantastic at wielding the gavel of judgment.
37:12
[SPEAKER_01]: This comes against people, this comes about against ourselves, you know, in Scriptures it tells us in John 751, does our law judge a man without first giving him a hearing and learning what he does?
37:27
[SPEAKER_01]: So even in Scripture it says, hey, hang on a second.
37:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So picture the courtroom's Cynthia, we got a judge up there, he's got a gavel, but before
37:37
[SPEAKER_01]: He hears testimony, he collects evidence, right?
37:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, let's say in our own minds, we are judging ourselves, you know, if I had your audience and you and me sit for one minute in complete silence with our eyes closed, how would you be talking to yourself?
37:54
[SPEAKER_01]: How are you talking to yourself in these days?
37:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And usually for me, it's I'm lazy because I'm not working out, you are so lazy.
38:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so if I took that example, because I'm not getting, I'm not, I don't have a good exercise routine right now, and I'm struggling with it.
38:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said to you, Cynthia, I'm lazy.
38:14
[SPEAKER_01]: You'd be like, dude, you're a good or done girl.
38:16
[SPEAKER_01]: You're on my podcast right now.
38:17
[SPEAKER_01]: You got the, you clean out your attic, la, la, la, la, and so you're going through boxes, yes.
38:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so the evidence just not support I'm lazy, what it's like.
38:26
[SPEAKER_01]: is, what is really going on and what is keeping you from the gym?
38:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Like it's literally a problem to solve, not something to judge, and so if we can get grace to self and grace to others and hold that gavel for a while, the examples with our goofy kids and the things that they do too, I guarantee you that senior year.
38:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And I always tell mom as like, our hearts are connected to our kids.
38:51
[SPEAKER_01]: They're enmeshed, but they're like Velcro.
38:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And every time we get what we want, which is to raise an independent functioning adult.
38:59
[SPEAKER_01]: That Velcro rips a little more, and you can just hear that sound, and it just breaks your heart.
39:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So eventually, we get what we want.
39:05
[SPEAKER_01]: The Velcro is completely ripped apart.
39:08
[SPEAKER_01]: They're on their own.
39:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And we really have both, we're holding both ankles, dragging them back.
39:13
[SPEAKER_01]: We're really, so we're living in this tension of wanting to be close and stay connected, but we'll need to raise independent adults.
39:19
[SPEAKER_01]: But anyway, that gavel is going to be priceless, especially with young adults.
39:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Because what they're going to call you upset and you just need to stay curious.
39:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So we've got our magnifying glass and on my magnifying glass, I have these things written.
39:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And this has, it matters how you say it.
39:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I wonder why they think that.
39:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I wonder why they said that, I wonder why they do that, I wonder why they want that.
39:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you go through this sort of like I wonder and so now our hands are open, Lord Show me what's really going on, I'm really needing your help and there is no rush.
39:57
[SPEAKER_01]: You're on the phone and you think you have to give your daughter all the answers when she's at college.
40:01
[SPEAKER_01]: No, you sleep on it.
40:02
[SPEAKER_01]: You seek the Lord.
40:03
[SPEAKER_01]: You wander about it.
40:04
[SPEAKER_01]: He gives you and cite you call the next day.
40:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I wonder if it could be this or would it be helpful if we did this?
40:08
[SPEAKER_01]: She's going to be much more open to your wisdom on the return after you've thought about it.
40:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And so the Gabel and the magnifying glass honestly Amazon.com go by yourself one and put it on your desk just as an ongoing reminder.
40:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that is that.
40:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Now when it comes to being unoffendable,
40:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Recently, I realized that I was something's happening in my child's life.
40:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I immediately went to, I wonder what I did, or I didn't do, that got them into this situation.
40:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Who is this about now?
40:46
[SPEAKER_01]: 100% like I am so self-centered and I'm so needing to be in charge of their life and now now is there a time for me to say hey if there's something here that happened between us let's go to therapy together.
40:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean I'm all in you know and they know that so we always invite feedback our doors open so we and we have to choose that it isn't going to be fun but it's going to be worth it and so but usually a lot of time does not about us.
41:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, God's growing them up into adults for years without our, yeah, anyway, he's solving a lot of problems we couldn't have solved when they were a child.
41:20
[SPEAKER_01]: They might not even have been able to process what was happening as a child, and now they can.
41:24
[SPEAKER_01]: But don't make it about ourselves, right?
41:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And so just be unoffendable when things come to you, or if your child says, hey, when you did this when I was a kid, it was hard for me.
41:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And you think, well, you're brother didn't have a hard time with that.
41:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, they're a different kid, you know?
41:37
[SPEAKER_01]: So,
41:38
[SPEAKER_01]: that unfindable piece it's a it's a fantastic book the author's name is escape me right the second but if you put show notes you might want to drop that in there because it's a great book and it and it's making a resurgence it's written many years ago and it's making a resurgence right now and you can understand why wow what's your you keep talking out eldritch too which I also love eldritch you have a favorite John Eldritch but
42:01
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I really don't.
42:03
[SPEAKER_01]: The one that he wrote that I read in COVID, he actually wrote it before COVID.
42:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was the Lord Jave of all this equipment to hand us at that time.
42:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, and it has chapter on benevolent attachment.
42:18
[SPEAKER_01]: just get ready because we can, and I'll just give you this nugget because it's so fantastic.
42:24
[SPEAKER_01]: For someone who has a high empathy meter, because the world is at our fingertips, he says, we can have a benevolent, um,
42:34
[SPEAKER_01]: compassion towards things happening in Iran, but we can't hold it and we can't fix it.
42:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And so he talks about being able to not be as enmeshed with things that are out of our, again, control.
42:49
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and that's when he says offer it back to God so yeah, he's he's terrific.
42:55
[SPEAKER_00]: There's lots of good stuff there The spiritual practice of releasing control and trusting people and situations to God and it looks like guys This is like an in true mesmerized fashion Cynthia just off the cuff over here.
43:08
[SPEAKER_00]: It looks like that it's get your life back.
43:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that it?
43:13
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
43:14
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it is
43:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Your life back so many great tools and I'm a big tools girl.
43:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, like, I appreciate theory, but I need to tell me what to say do and where to go.
43:23
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, some practical.
43:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
43:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
43:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
43:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
43:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, we didn't get one tiny bit to, um, maybe what we did.
43:31
[SPEAKER_00]: We, we glossed over at some, but empty-nesting, which is really, really, really where I think we need to talk and spend more time on, but we're not going to do it today.
43:40
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm sure I'm going to, I'm going to ask sweet Sharon if she can come back and we can do this again
43:45
[SPEAKER_00]: through some of that with empty nesting because, boy, yeah, I have so many friends here and that I feel like right now are just sending their second one, I was joke.
43:55
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like empty nesting.
43:56
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not familiar with the concept.
43:57
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm in my fifties with a 10-year-old, so everyone, I don't know, but it sounds like you'll have a lot to work through and when I'm in a nursing home and I'm an empty nester, then we can talk about it.
44:07
[SPEAKER_00]: But I do think that
44:14
[SPEAKER_00]: in it now, about to walk through it, or it's 15 years away.
44:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what does that look like?
44:19
[SPEAKER_00]: And I have so many friends that say, like, man, like, I'm disappointed in myself.
44:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have anything now.
44:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, all I did was raise children and now, you know, what do I do with it?
44:28
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like trying to reinvent.
44:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And I love that you speak so well under this.
44:32
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just, I'm teasing this up one to say, sweet Sharon, will you come back and can we do that?
44:38
[SPEAKER_00]: And two, everyone, you know you want to come back and hear that.
44:40
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, well, you're sweet.
44:42
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'll just finish our time to let you know.
44:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not doing a lot of formal coaching right now, but a gal call the other dating part about coaching.
44:51
[SPEAKER_01]: She really didn't need coaching.
44:52
[SPEAKER_01]: She just needed to know what to do next.
44:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think we can only do it a step at a time.
44:58
[SPEAKER_01]: But for the women that are kind of reeling as they are launching kids,
45:01
[SPEAKER_01]: like it's also okay to spend some time reeling and resting and just remember widen that stance, get on your surfboard, put your arms out like just ride those waves because and then invite the Lord to show you what's going on because you can't just jump right into
45:18
[SPEAKER_01]: fixing yourself or doing the next thing you really need to take time to contemplate your story how I use that what the things that you learn that you've loved in that season and then we're taking you and I'm here to testify.
45:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean I'm going to be you know getting Medicare this year.
45:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm out of the my kids have been gone a while now right so I feel like it's important for me to tell you hey it circles back just like my boxes did last week when I was like what
45:42
[SPEAKER_01]: because you're never done with the heart of being a mother.
45:46
[SPEAKER_01]: But I have reinvented myself so many times.
45:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Who knew I'd be talking on podcasts or become a leader.
45:52
[SPEAKER_01]: And it felt like what you're an encouragement.
45:55
[SPEAKER_01]: But you couldn't have done a million years and so I just want people to know that there's still so much time.
46:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you devoted yourself to your family, that was the right thing.
46:05
[SPEAKER_01]: But God has not done with you yet.
46:07
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm excited to see how women find new life and purpose in the season of the empty nest.
46:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, so good.
46:15
[SPEAKER_00]: OK, how can everybody find you?
46:17
[SPEAKER_00]: And you're sitting in your set.
46:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not actively coaching much.
46:20
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm thinking, nobody needs coaching more than Cynthia again, off right now.
46:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And so now, now I keep having on the podcast and try to make it applicable to everyone else.
46:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm still getting my own coaching.
46:30
[SPEAKER_00]: But no, how do, if someone wanted to reach out to you, it sounds like you're not doing as much coaching, but how do we find you or anything like that?
46:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So I do have, I do have a simple landing page online,
46:42
[SPEAKER_01]: and you can reach me via email through that.
46:45
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a contact me button.
46:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And I do love to speak a few times a year, but the fun thing for me is to say, hey, because when someone reaches out sometimes I panic, because I don't have time to invest in several women over time, but I'm always surprised, and I'm always glad to jump on a phone call, and see if we can figure out a good next step for you.
47:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, if you're in the Dallas area, let's have coffee because, hey, I am flexible.
47:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, I'm like, my hand, let's do it.
47:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love that.
47:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that's kind of how I go.
47:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And God never gives me too much.
47:17
[SPEAKER_01]: It's always just the right woman that has the courage to reach out.
47:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And then we have a chat.
47:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it leads us both to something great.
47:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah, it's Holy Spirit lead.
47:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And if I have time, I'll jump in and if I don't, I'll let you know.
47:28
[SPEAKER_01]: So I love that.
47:29
[SPEAKER_00]: You are a treasure.
47:30
[SPEAKER_00]: You are a Dallas fort worth treasure.
47:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Who knew within a 15 20 minutes my house probably I'm actually really excited you're in Dallas.
47:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not know that if you didn't yes, I am and I did not know this and you guys she she's being gracious.
47:43
[SPEAKER_00]: She's like I got to make room for this lady.
47:45
[SPEAKER_00]: She just showed up on a podcast with no makeup.
47:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Somebody else is a foster kid on the other room with her adult children who happened to be out.
47:51
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a mess over here, but you know what oh
47:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful chaotic mess though, and there's nothing, I mean, authenticity.
47:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, is there anything better than this suite?
48:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, people don't connect to us through our strengths.
48:03
[SPEAKER_01]: They connect to our vulnerabilities.
48:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's just give vulnerable together, Cynthia.
48:07
[SPEAKER_01]: That's those people.
48:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Raw.
48:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Just my girlfriend says, you just showed up raw today.
48:12
[SPEAKER_00]: It was, yes, it is, so well, thank you, a million, y'all, we will put all of the, we will link the stuff in podcast notes that we talked about and she had some, maybe some questions, some downloads, whatever, we will make sure we get those there and then we will be back you guys and we are going to talk, talk empty-nesting because, yeah, I know that's, that's something that, even if you're not there, we need to be preparing for.
48:36
[SPEAKER_00]: So Sharon, thank you, thank you, thank you.
48:38
[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, this was a blast.
48:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Have a great one.
48:40
[SPEAKER_00]: Bye Cynthia.
48:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, is she not a treasure you guys?
48:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, a couple of things.
48:46
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to get a podcast notes because I linked everything she has resources things we talked about.
48:51
[SPEAKER_00]: And then the other thing is, I asked the beginning I'm gonna ask again.
48:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Would you be willing to leave a review and or share this with a friend?
48:58
[SPEAKER_00]: That would mean so much to me.
49:00
[SPEAKER_00]: And I keep saying this and I will continue because so many of you are reaching out, but I am still accepting speaking your quest for the next year.
49:07
[SPEAKER_00]: That was so hard to say.
49:07
[SPEAKER_00]: You may not even want me to speak.
49:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Speaking, a request for the fall and then spring of next year.
49:13
[SPEAKER_00]: So reach out on my website, CynthiaGanoff.com.
49:16
[SPEAKER_00]: If you have speaking things coming up that I could come and join your groups, I would love to talk about that.
49:21
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, you guys, happy, mother say thanks for being a part of the mesmerized family.
49:25
[SPEAKER_00]: You're the very best.