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The One About Dating with Sabrina Zohar · Untraditionally Lala

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'll just get a lot of dating life.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: I'll go ahead.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Ay, oh, I love that.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Hello, gorgeous, it is Lala Khan. Welcome back to my podcast.
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: I'm so excited because today I have Sabrina Zohar here.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: We have a mutual friend that I can't wait to
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: deep dive into. You are a dating and relationship expert
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: known for your unfiltered nobs advice, which I really wholeheartedly needna.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: I cannot wait to fucking talk to you. You give
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: heart takes and real strategies. Her tough love takes go
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: viral on social media. Are you more on TikTok or Instagram? Both?
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: I'm an equal opportunist here, I've got same followers.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: I'm both good for you. She also got her own
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: clothing line called Software. She's the host of the Sabrina
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Zohar Show. It's also on YouTube. So welcome to my podcast.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: I am so thrilled to have you.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Thanks Dad, I'm super excited to be here.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: I was talking to Amber the other day. We share
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: a baby daddy, and she was like, I'm going out
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: with a girlfriend today and I was like, oh my god,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: that's so fun. She's like, yeah, we're going to lunch.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: She's such a fucking badass. You would love her. I
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: have to introduce you. She's a relationship expert, and I
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: was like, how many of those are out there? And
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: I go, what's her name? Because we had you lined
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: up to get on the pod, and she goes, Sabrina Zohar.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: I go, holy shit, she's coming on my podcast in
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: a few days. And she just like raved about you,
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, we were just talking about this before
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: we started. When people say, oh, it's such a small world,
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: it is truly the tiniest of worlds, like now between
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: like the industry that we're all kind of in. Then
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: you mix all the platforms that we call social media.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Everyone has fucked everybody in.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: Some capacity some way. We all have. I have so many. Well,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: first of all, I didn't know that you guys share
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: the same baby daddy. That is great that you guys
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: have such a great relationship, because it's fucking shows the
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: strength of the two of you.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: First of all, it shows the strength truly of her
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: more so than me. Okay, is my takeaway from it.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: We had such it was just not a good situation
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: at the beginning, and no matter how you want to
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: break it down on how it happened. At the end
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: of the day, it is what it is. I was
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: the other woman, and whether I knew that or not,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: whether I chose to turn a blind die, who knows
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: the reasoning. I have apologized profusely to her for the
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: pain that I caused her during that time, and at
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: one point she said to me, you have to let
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: it go. I can see her saying that I forgive you,
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: and I'm like it, like, who are you that you
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: could look me in my eyes and not only look
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: me in my eyes, have conversations and also be my friend.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: Well, I doesn't say, but and you sell yourself short. Yes,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: of course it is so much strength from her, but
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: also for you to have the humility to be like, hey,
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna own my shit. I'm sorry, here's my part
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: in it. Can we move on from it? Because it
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: shows you really the heart that you have, because you
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: very easily could have been like fuck that girl, I
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: don't care, man Na manute, but you didn't. You chose
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: to step up and step into your power and say like, hey, man,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: here's what it is. Can we move past this? And that?
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: To me, it's not about the conflict, is the repair.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, And you know, she's she's my family. I love
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: her so well. She's the best.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: She's the best.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: Like the other day I called her and I was like,
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: do you want to go to the park with me
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: and Ocean and Sosa? And she like met up with us.
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: We have we will forever be bonded for the mere
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: fact that our kids are sisters. Right, but we can
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: also call each other and vent about the same person
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: who did us both very dirty, you know. And I
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: can only imagine what she was sitting there thinking when
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: I was with this person. I'm sure she was like,
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: you'll find out. You will find out, And I fucking did.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: As somebody who's been on it, I've been on I've
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: been on both sides. I've been the person that came
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: after and then I was the person that got the
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: email after of like, hey, by the way, we share
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: the same experience, yes, And as the person that receives it,
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: when you're sitting there and you're like, it's okay, don't worry,
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: you'll come We'll be having a conversation soon, and it's
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: it's the most liberating feeling because at the end of
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: the day, when you can talk to somebody else and
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: realize that you're not alone in an experience, it changes
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: the game because it's dating relationships. Doing all of these things,
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: especially depending on the dynamics of the situation, you can
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: make yourself literally go fucking insane, you can gaslight yourself,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: and we get so in our heads that being able
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: to have somebody else be like, hey man, that's not you,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: especially that knows the.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: Situation right, it is very liberating. Yeah, and it also
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: feels amazing because it's wild that when she's struggling with
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: something that's going on, I can be her strength, and
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: when I'm struggling, she becomes my strength. So we have
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: this really beautiful balance. But I also admire her because
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: she did not let the experience with our baby daddy
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: define her. She's been able to go out and date
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: and put her heart on the table still, where I
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: have actually struggled tremendously with doing that, and I've asked her,
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: like the other night, I have to tell you. So
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: it's like ten thirty at night and I'm having an
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: issue with the baby daddy. So naturally i call Amber
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, what are you doing. I'm pissed off,
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: and she goes, oh, you know, I'm just laying in
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: bed with a super hot drummer. And I laughed and
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: I go aha, I go lou too, and he goes hey.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: I like, oh shit, you're being serious.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: You're like, oh fuck, oh hey, good to see you. Well,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: first of all, I need to have a conversation with
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: her about that, but that's for another.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: Day that I'm here for something. I'm so sorry. But
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: I was like, damn, like, you're out here and you're
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: meeting people, and whether it works out with them or not,
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: who cares. You're at least going through the process of elimination.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: You're miles ahead of what I'm doing.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: And wasn't say where are you at mentally? Emotionally, Let's
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: tell what a loaded quit, right, isn't it?
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: So I feel mentally when I get to a place
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: where I'm like, I'm ready to put myself out there,
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: I go and do it and immediately run scared because
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: I see what's out there and I feel defeated by it.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: I also have tremendous trust issues. And then I sit
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: here and I say, there's no judgment for people who
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: are on dating apps, but if there's no judgment, and
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: you're noticing that people are meeting on dating apps and
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: they're having success, then why won't you do it? And
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: it's like, well, because I'm judging them, I.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Just say usually more often than not, it's like, what's
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: the story, what's the narrative? Because I met my partner
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: on a dating app and I, oh, yeah, and I
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: get it. I totally understand the stigma. And they're like, ah,
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I don't want.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: To do it.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: When I moved to New York, I just turn nineteen,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: so I was a baby maging myself. Okaycup it had
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: just come out, and so like wow, it was the
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: first like desktop app that you were like oh, and
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: I remember like Match had been out, YadA YadA, and
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: when Okaycup it came out, like I was still going
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: to bars and meeting people. I was still doing what
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: the old what we did in the old days of
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: like having a conversation face to face and like not
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: relying on technology. It's so weird. And then when the
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: apps came out, it was like a field day every
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I mean everyone as the most good looking, attractive, like
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: incredible people were on there. Because we didn't know what
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: it was and so I've seen the iterations. I've been
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: through Okaycupid and Tender and all of them, right, Okay,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: And I think at the end of the day, there's
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: a couple of things. One, is it a casino.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, of course, the.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: House always wants to win. Their goal is to make money,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: and we know that, but you could still break the
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: system because there are still people that win in the
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: slot machines. And for me, I think it's really about
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: a couple of things. One, am I being a better buyer?
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: Am I vetting these people properly? Am I?
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: I see a profile, especially like it depends on the app.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: We're talking rya that is to be seen, not to
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: be met, right, Like very few people meet on Riya.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: It's just kind of a like, oh I'm on this app,
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: but not as many people actually proactively are like making date.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: At least for me, I was on the way for years.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: Amber said the same thing. She said, Riyah, it's usually
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: like people want to be your pen pal. No one's
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: ever looking to actually link up. And then she says like,
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: I don't need a pen pal, have a great one,
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: bro Okay, So that's kind of where that one lies. Yeah,
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: what about then Tinder came into play.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: Is a dinder. I don't understand. I don't get how
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: even people are using it in seriousness because there's so
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: many bots and all this the fakes. And I have
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: had some friends, like one of my friends, and many
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: ways ago, not even like a three or four years ago.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: She I guess somehow they introduce this like worldwide feature,
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: and so she somehow got matched with this, like this
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: guy in Italy came up for.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: Her a worldwide feature, let's make it even more excitable.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: It's like she would we do outer space? Do that
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: would because that would work out for a lot of
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: the people in LA. But this guy, he was so
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: gorgeous that she thought it was sack. She was veryly convinced,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: and she's like, come on, there's no way, and he
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: ended up they faced time. He ended up coming to
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: visit her. They had this whole ten days together. And
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: so like there are of course on the country, real
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: people on Tinder in America, it's very bots and fakes
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: and I don't even bother with it, or people just want.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: To hook up bye, that's just okay.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of people that have had success hinge
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: now hinge is the only one. And the reason I
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: like it is because one it's not gamifying the swipe,
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: which I really enjoy. I don't want to have to
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: sit there and swipe yes or no. What I like
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: about it is that I can make a move as well,
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: or you can make a move right.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: Like either person, but it has to be like mutual.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Still okay, still, you're still mutual. So as a heterosexual woman,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: those are the norms I'm gonna speak in. Please fill
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: in for anyone listening what fills for you. If I'm
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: dating a man, right, okay, I can like his photo,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: but he still has to match me, which I enjoy.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: I like that I can still put it out there.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: I can say something to him as well, like hey,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: you know your hat, Like if I were like just
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: a mom, what else is there to you?
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I hope nobody says that to you besides me. But
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: then like, let's say there's something on that okay, but
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: then you can choose. I want to start the conversation.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: So I like that both people have to still agree,
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: but both people can shoot their shot because you never know, right.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: But if you're not swiping, but someone comes up and
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: you're like, WHOA, I don't want to keep looking I
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: like that.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: So my partner when he matched with me, I had
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: been on apps on and off for the fifteen years
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: of my adult life before I met him between New
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: York La.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: You get into a relationship, you you know, you date Okay,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: then you get off and maybe you're on the apps
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: for a little longer. You delete them, right, like it's
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: this dance that you go through. And I met my
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: fair share of like really attractive men that were total garbage.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: I met my fair share of amazing people on there.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: But when I met my partner, what stood out was
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: the way that he didn't do anything about my looks.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: He chose a prompt that I had and he wrote
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: like a full paragraph to engage a conversation.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: So immediately was like whoa, Okay, yeah, I'm in, And
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: then within an hour was right to hey, let me
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: take you out, like, give me your number if you're comfortable.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: This was here in La or San Diego, San Diego. So,
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: had you set up your profile to be like within
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: a certain distance.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I So my trajectory was before I started any of
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: this stuff, like I have my clothing line software and
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: I was supposed to Shark Tank and I was like, Wowrett, Yeah,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I was on set, like eight months of prep of
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: doing everything, like literally, I'm in the green room being like, dude,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: you're next, like you're set up, there's Mark Cuban, you ready,
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: and I fucking did. My Joe just spends some meditation
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: and I was like, I'm so ready, And twenty thirty
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: minutes goes by, and you know, you're like in your gut,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: you're like something doesn't feel right, and all of a sudden,
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: the producer comes in and says, I'm so sorry, we
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: can't fit you on today and we don't have any backups,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: like we don't have any other days for you, sorry,
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: and so like I hit rock bottom. And then two
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: weeks later they call, we've got a spot for you. Cool,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: I'm back up. I thought that was my life. And
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: then ten o'clock at night the night before, I'm so sorry,
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: we're not gonna be able to fit you on. Try
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: again next year. When I say, my world crumbled, like
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: I thought that was it. I thought that was my career.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: And so I was dating this guy who was super avoidant,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: and I was just like this just wasn't working. And
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: it's not about avoidant or anxious or any of that shit.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: It was the fact that this person didn't have any
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: emotional bandwidth. And it became clear because in a month
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: after Shark Tank, my dog got sick and passed away
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: within ten days, and the dude was nowhere to be seen. Wow,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: no where to be seen. Like I remember calling him
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: when when I found out about Clem and his response
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: was I was gonna watch a movie tonight. What did
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: And even my mom she was like, what, how did you.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: Meet this guy? And okay, so he's here.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we had and he was very sweet. It
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: is so limited. It was like it was palpable, like
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: you couldn't talk about emotions. He didn't know what to
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: do with them. And so I literally I went over
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: his house. We were like, it was a whole thing,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: and he just was saying some bullshit and I walked out.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm done, I'm good. I don't want
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: to do this anymore.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: I was like, the end for you.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: I'm good girl. If you knew, I'll just say he
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: deflected a lot and I got in my car and
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I remember I cried and I called my mom because
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: she was in town, and I was like, you know what,
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: where's me and him? We're supposed to go to San
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: Diego to see my sister for Thanksgiving and I said, Mom,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: you're coming with me? And I was like, let's go.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: And I climbed had passed. I'm like, what else do
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: I have here? And I was like, fuck, La, I'm done.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I want to I want to move. So I went
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: to San Diego. My sister lives there, and I was like,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm get a try. I started going to
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: see apartments and I was like, I like it here.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: It's really quiet, it's mellow. Just so happened. My partner, now, Ryan,
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: he was supposed to move, didn't get the house ended
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: up being within the fifteen mile proximity that I was in.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: Because I had he gotten this house, we would never
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: have matched, and it just like was very seamless and
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: we matched. He went into Okay, can I take you out?
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: First date? Wasn't that int him?
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: Honest?
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I thought he was okay?
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: What about him? Did you just feel? Was okay?
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: He was so present and secure and healthy and like
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: into me that I was like, oh no, I don't
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: like that isn't that.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: The craziest shit ever?
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: Welcome to attachment styles and drama?
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Is that what it is? Because I think about this
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: so often that the only men who have come into
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: my life since my my ex, they've been They've placed
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: me in a situation where I feel like I have
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: to defend myself or I have to like be hard
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: on them or kind of tell them I have to
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: be in fight mode, maybe either mom not. I wouldn't
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: say their mom.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: I was gonna say, what do you fight me?
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: It would be just and I wouldn't even say that
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: it's It's like it's just combative and I'm so comfortable
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: in it.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: I was gonna say, how familiar is that?
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: It's so familiar because I know how to do that
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: all day long. Of course, so when you talk to
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: me about someone who who showed up, was present in
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: the moment, had healthy conversation, I too think I would go,
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: I'm good. Yeah.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: I was like, he's a try. I found everything. I'm like,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: I hate his car color, it's like really really yeah,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I don't like it's blue. And then I was like
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: his clothes are too tight, and it's like all of
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: those things could very easily change. Oh, I don't like
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: that he buzzes his hair. It's like, don't worry, he
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: grew it out now, But really what when we hooked
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: up on the first date. That's the irony of it.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Like I wasn't into himself, was like, I don't care whatever,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: I'll get died down. And then when I left, I
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm probably never gonna see this guy again.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: That's fine. I really let go of the outcome. I
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: just didn't care if it worked out or not. I
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: had lost one my best friend, my dog when he passed.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: I was like, I don't care about any of this stuff.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: And then the next day Ryan texted me and he
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm still smiling from last night. I'd love
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: to see you again.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, you're like really, I haven't
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: thought about you.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah. It was like since I left, I was like, right, mean,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: it was funny. Just made a TikTok about this tech
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: guy that I hooked up with last night. Did you
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: really That's how we got the name tech guy. He
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: probably was like, just promised me you'll keep me anonymous,
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: and the ironies. He works at my company now, so
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: he's very not anonymous.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: No, we're talking about him and he's fine. He doesn't
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: give you that guy is alive and well as Ryan.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: I love him and he's but really the kind of
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: the at the end of the day, let's talk about
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: why do I go for people that I'm not in
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: or why are the people that I don't like like
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: me versus the ones that I'm into. It's combative or
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: it's unhealthy or whatever. Right, So it's a couple of things.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: One we have to look at patterns and core beliefs,
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: so depending on and we don't have to get two
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: into the weeds of it. But like if you and
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: I were having a conversation offline, my first question would be,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: how well do you feel when you're dealing with these people?
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: When I'm dealing with men, these.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Schmo's that you're combative with and having that to mental us.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: Feel like I'm in my early twenties again, Okay.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: What happened in your early twenties? That feels like it's
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: reminiscent of that.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: Dealing with dudes who they just want to they want
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: to be children still and they want to go off
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: and they want to live their life, and you know,
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: so they're wild oats and I want them to be
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: in a partnership because I like partnerships. The problem is
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: now is I'm thirty five, they're also but they still
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: want to act that way. And when you take me
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: back to my twenties, and I've consistently had to deal
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: with that behavior, and then was in fight mode with
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: the biggest relationship I've ever had that was supposed to
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: end in marriage, that ended with a baby. I was
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: in fight mode there. I don't know any different.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, your nervous system is completely dysregulated whenever you're dating,
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: because it's all it knows. I don't trust you. Back
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: the fuck up. But then I would go even further
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: of like, okay, and again, we don't have to talk
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: about this here if you don't want to whatever you feel.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: Like, it's such an open let's talk about it all.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: Then we go deeper of like, okay, what was the
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: relationship between your parents together? And then how did they
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: attune to your needs individually? Because sure, in your twenties
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: you start to notice these things, but where did they start.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: They start in early childhood. And it doesn't mean your
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: parents are about people. They could be incredible, but like
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: for me, my father's narcissistic, and my mother's a people pleaser.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: My mom, I would literally set myself on fire for her,
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: but she completely disassociates like she can't she doesn't know
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: how to set boundaries and she's learning now. Growing up,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: my father hit us. He was incredibly abusive, very verbal,
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: like leave, would smack us and leave the house, would
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: go off with his mistress. What did I learn? I
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: can't trust that people are going to stay here with me.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: I am used to people that I'm too much around
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: them because my father couldn't handle our emotions. So I
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: always felt like I'm too much but not enough. Okay,
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: that dichotomy, So, of course, then what did I do?
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: I consistently dated men that reaffirmed that to me. So
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: if I came to write these guys that were dismissing
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: me or being flippant or playing games with me, that's
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: like my dad. So that feels familiar to my nervous system.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: It knows how to keep me safe.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: There.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Then if I meet somebody like Ryan, my nervous system
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: and my core beliefs are you mean I'm fine as
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: I am? You mean there's nothing wrong with me? I'm okay?
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: You mean you want to give me love freely and
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: I don't have to work for it. Now, there must
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: be something wrong here and we don't know how to
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: receive that because it feels really foreign to our body.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: And that's where the work really starts to come in
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: of How would I feel if I allowed myself to
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: receive love? What feels scary about that? Do I not
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: trust myself?
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: You know I don't. I relate to everything you're saying
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: when it comes to the dating. However, with my parents,
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: my dad was amazing. I'm sure I saw fights, but
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: when it came to their relationship, I watched my parents
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: as best friends. I watched them navigate really difficult times
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: together and come out on top. I noticed my dad
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: was more I didn't want to call him weak, but
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: he allowed people to walk on him. He would rather
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: not deal with confrontation and just give someone what they wanted,
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: and it put him in really hot water later on
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: in life, which eventually the stress of that I think
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: killed him. My mother is tough. She will give you
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: all the love in the world, but at the end
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: of the day, you better sack the fuck up. You
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for how you feel.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: Nobody else, But there was so much love in my
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: household that it's almost like, when I go out to
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: meet meet dudes, I immediately want to run back home
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: because there's nothing like the love I feel at home totally.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: So I'm like, why would I go out and meet
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: someone when I'm so fulfilled at home and I feel
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: so safe and I feel protected, and I feel like
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: I could take on the world. And then when I
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: go out there, it's like, oh my god, this is terrifying.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: And I have trust issues and my family's never done
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: me dirty, so why would I leave them? Then?
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: So, and this is I'm glad we're talking about this
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: because I think, look at the two right, we have
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: two completely different experiences growing up, but yet similar in
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: the experiences of how it's manifesting an adult life. And
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: that's actually really important because I think a lot of
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: us look, for me, like the big teas of like, oh, okay.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: Were they hitting me?
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: And where were they abusing me? Where were they leaving me?
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: And that is real, that is one hundred percent real,
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: and that will cause a lot of anxiety or avoidance
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: or whatever. But then we look at little teas and
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: what it essentially is is like what we want to
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: look at is where did I learn this behavior from?
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: Where did I learn that I can't trust other people?
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: Is it?
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: Maybe? And again it could be no one did anything wrong,
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: but maybe my parents never taught me how to tune
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: into my own emotions. Like I have one client, I
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: love him, and his parents are amazing people, like they're
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: so lovely, but growing up and he's such a lovely guy,
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: but he kept finding himself in the same relationships with
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: these girls that were kind of like psychotic, not even crazy, no,
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: like we'll slash your tires and find you with like
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: that type that you're like, oh, I'm a little concerned.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: For my safety.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: And when we started to unpack it, what he realized
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: was growing up his mom. Anytime they felt sad or
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: had an emotion, instead of her being like, hey, let's
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: talk about she would just go let's go play and
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: would try to distract the kids. So now as an adult,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: he doesn't know how to process his emotions. He doesn't
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: know how to sit with them. See what I mean
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: by there's nothing wrong with his mom. But what he
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: learned growing up was you self sacrifice for everybody. You
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: do what I need to do. So when he had
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: this girl, everything was how can I make it better?
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: What can I do to show up for her? Because
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: he didn't know how to sit with himself and say, huh,
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: this doesn't feel good. I don't like it. Because if
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: he had said that to one of his parents, he
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: was like, I knew that they couldn't handle that emotion.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: You see what I mean by there's nothing that's bad.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: There's no big teas here. But what we want to
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: look at is not villainizing our parents, but understanding where
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: did I learn this from? So, if you have trust issues,
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: where did I learn that I can't trust myself for
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: other people? Maybe it is in your twenties, right, Maybe
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: you had such a trusting home that your parents didn't
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: teach you what to look for. And that doesn't mean
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: that they're bad people. What we look at is oh, okay,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: So now how do I support myself and how do
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: I take care of myself as an adult? Okay? Well,
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: I need to repairent myself and let myself know because
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: I'd be curious. You know, you said you have trust issues.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: What part don't you trust? Is it them or you?
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: Well, my picker is definitely off you know, it's a
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: little like when I look back on relationships that I
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: had in my twenties, I don't look at those dudes
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: as like bad people. They were dudes in college who
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: should be going and getting drunk and fucking whoever they want.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: They should be doing that. Right then, when I think
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: about when my trust issues really really developed, it was
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: after my ex and it's been I mean, we're approaching
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: four years, like I should be over this and I'm
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: over what happened, but the aftermath of it on how
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: it is so deep rooted and how I go about relationships.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: That part. I don't know if it will go away
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: unless I really really do the work. And that's when
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: I felt like it it came up. And you know,
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: I was also in the height of my alcoholism when
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: I was with my ex. My parents couldn't say anything
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: because I would have isolated and pushed them away and
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: done that whole bit. But I realized that I didn't
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: trust myself when I was with someone who I thought
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: was really taking care of me across the board mentally, spiritually, financially.
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: I was all in with this person, right I wish
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: he was a little bit better looking. I sacrificed there,
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: but the rest outweighed it right, And then you're hit
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: with all of the things that have been going on
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: behind your back, and you look in the mirror and
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: you go, how the you, stupid bitch, how the fuck
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: could you not have seen this?
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: That is why you're stuck. Yes, that's that is right there,
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: because what happened when you said earlier, I didn't want
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: to interrupt you. I should be over this. Oh, so
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: we're shaming ourselves. So you're blaming your sit, shaming yourself
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: for not knowing better. But yet what I also hear
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: is you grew up in such a beautiful household, right,
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: and you're so what a beautiful blessing, What a beautiful
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: blessing to two parents that out their shit?
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: Everybody has their things. What to know that you could
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: trust somebody, that you could rely on someone, But that's
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: also maybe a double edged sword, because then you blindly
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: went into something trusting someone thinking that, well, like I
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: can trust them, I can trust you. And then what
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: happened was you got blindsided. Yeah, you got your ass
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: handed to you for whatever the specifics of it happened.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: And so now what do I hear is that we're
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: attacking yourself for not having known any better. But you
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: didn't know what to look for, So how could you
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: have known anything?
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: And so now I actually want to be able to
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: move on from this and like really let yourself free,
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: acknowledge the pain that you went through and allow it.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: No should get rid of should I went through something
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: really traumatizing. I went through something traumatic. I don't trust
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: other people because I'm still learning how to listen to
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: my voice. And that's okay, Yeah, you're a human who
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: taught you how to deal with this.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: Right, And even my mom beats herself up because she's like,
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: I SHO should have I'm not gonna cry on this podcast,
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: It's okay, Yeah I should have protected you more. And
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: she was like, I'm from you, tat I didn't know
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: people like this existed right there.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: And so maybe we can let that little girl know
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: that's like right now, hurting and feeling and trying to
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: experience all of these different things that your mom that
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: should see where you learn that from like I should
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: I should? I should you take the pressure that you
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: didn't know? Yeah, but maybe we can let that little
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: girl know that, Yeah, you're right, nobody did teach you
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: that and they were totally fucked over. And that's really
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: really painful. But guess what, we don't need mom and
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: dad to protect you. We don't know what anybody. She
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: needs you. Yeah, she needs you to tell her, Am
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: I okay? Am I a good girl? Or did I
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: fuck up even more?
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: And if you let her know, like I see you
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: and I hear you, you were struggling too. You didn't
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: know And I'm so sorry you thought you needed to
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: keep me safe by doing what we've always done, which
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: is blindly trust people. Because in our childhood we were
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: able to do that. Yeah, unfortunately our adult life or not.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: No, not at all.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: And that's not because now when you go out and date,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: which I'll be by your side now through it out
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: and I won't give you my phone number.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: Now when you go out and date, it's less about
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: are they gonna fuck me over? Are they gonna hurt me? No? No, no,
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: no no. Do I trust myself that I'll be okay
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: no matter what? And do I trust that I'll be
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: able to discern if they do pull the wool over
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: my eyes? Yeah, cause you're gonna Beatchmo's we live in LA.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: I know is a whole another layer. I mean, I
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: can't it's I have spoken to people who don't live
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: here and they're like, it is wild out there. You
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: add Los Angeles, it is a completely different layer. Would
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: you say that LA is one of the hardest cities
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: to date?
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: In for sure La and New York. It vacillates between
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: the two. New York was just voted by like I
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: want of the actual worst city, but I would say
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: it's six of one. I think both of them are
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: equally as terrible. But then again, I have friends when
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: I was in San Diego terrible luck. I think major
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: cities when we think about what attracts people to a
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: major city opportunity, you know, big, new shiny, and there's
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: a lot. I mean, this is the land of Peter Hands,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: this is the land of I'm forty five and I'm
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: still figuring my things out. It's like, this is the
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: land of open to short term or open to long term,
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: but for for short and you're like, Yo, what the
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: fuck are we doing here, dude? Right, So we have
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: to know that. But with that comes like you exist
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: to they good people exist, and I know that there
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: is somebody out there waiting for Lalla, waiting for you
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: to be the person that they have dinner with. You
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: just haven't met them yet.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: When I talk to people about dating, they're like, well,
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: you know, where are you going to meet people? Maybe
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: it's where you're going. I'm like, I don't really leave
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: my house. They're like, well, then how would you meet someone?
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Fair question.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: I'm like, they're supposed to fall in my lap?
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: Duhh? I would actually offline, I will talk to you
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: because I have somebody for you. So anyways, but that's
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: also it is like, how can you put yourself into
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: communities with people that you trust that then will then
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: have people for you because there's no guarantee. But I
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: would know. I would never put my neck out and
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: introduce you to somebody that would ever hurt you. I wouldn't.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't do it. So now it's really about again,
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: is it really about I don't trust them? Good, don't
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: fucking trust them? As an why would you? I would
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: never suggest dressing people off the bat, But what I
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: would suggest is if I'm going to project how I
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: feel about myself onto these people, then I can't be
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: surprised if it doesn't work. But if you find a pattern,
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: if you keep dating this same type of fucking people,
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: we have to look at what's the common denominator. It's
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: not that you are the problem, but maybe it's the behavior.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's what you're allowing, and maybe it's what you're
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: excusing that ends up at right. We don't know. We
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: don't know, but we got to look into that.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: I do know that the list of dudes like I
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: told you that have come after have not been the
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: healthiest of humans, and so full transparency, I have not
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: been intimate with a man maybe by the time this airs,
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: but I haven't been intimate with a man since March
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: of twenty twenty three. Okay, but I got pregnant, I
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: was said, minor copy e iuy. So I keep looking
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: at these markers of like, Okay, well, you haven't been
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: intimate with a man, and then you got pregnant, so
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: that's why there was a lull, and now you're eight
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: months postpartum, so of course you wouldn't want to sleep
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: with anybody. And I'm almost becoming so okay with not
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: having someone there because I'm so in my routine and
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: living just like a peaceful life that that part scares
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: me too.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: Well, like my mama always says, they're an addition to
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: non instead of so you're building that life now if
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: you have a baby, you've got your career, you've got
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: your life. You're filling you are filling your cup. And
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: that is so fucking beautiful, which means anybody, any shmo
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: that comes to you now, has to add to your life.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: My friend always says, i'd like a bank account. Think
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: of it like that. If they're adding and you're in
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: the green. Fuck, yeah, let's make some money. Let's go.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: We're we're progressing, we're growing. I'm feeling good. But if
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: you feel like you're constantly sacrificing and my needs aren't
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: met and I'm dealing with a child, you're in the red.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: None of us want to live in that business.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: None of us want.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: To be feeling like we're depleted. But I would be
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: curious based on because I mean, take this conversation into
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: being a personal one on one. But here we go
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: based on the men that you're dating right now, the
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: patterns of they have been the healthiest, versus what it
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: is that you want. What's the disconnect?
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: The disconnect is me, which part my picker, go on,
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: go further, saying, your picker, what does that mean? My
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: picker means I am gravitating towards men who are emotionally unavailable,
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: who kind of have nothing going on for them. They
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: kind of look to me as like I have to
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: be the alpha and everything that I want. It's how
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: are you ending up with these men because you don't
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: want like when you come up with a list, it's
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: nothing that these men possess. But I know I'm not
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: the only one that's going oh through this. I feel
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: like we're all kind of like banging our heads against
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: a wall. I also, and this could be so far off.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, you would know because you're in this space.
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: I feel like there are good men out there, but
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: there is many more good women than good men.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Oh one hundred percent that I can I can say
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: a certain deed there's and I'm not going to do this.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: It's not like a gender based rule. I'm not like
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: attacking men. More women are apt to doing work than
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: there are the men.
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: And it's also say look at the men, it be
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: the tough guy, right, women emotional right. But what I
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: would say is okay, interesting, picker, What I actually hear is,
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: so what I want versus what I need? Two different things? Right,
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: what I want? That's why I hate if you wanted
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: to he would it because it's not about want. Life
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: is not about want. I want a lot of things,
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: but this bitch ain't doing it right. But what I
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: would hear is then I would say what is needed
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: is like, oh, then you're not setting the boundaries that
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: are needed or we're not having the conversations early on
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: to assess if they're emotionally available and matching up to
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: what it is that you want. So then that's where
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: I would say, that's the disconnect. It's not that your
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: picker is off. You're going to meet these people, it's
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: what are you doing with it once you meet them?
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: What are the conversations we're having, What are the questions
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: that we're asking, and what is the information that we're
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: receiving and how are we processing that? Because if you're
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: seeing their emotionally unavailable, they don't have what I want.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: But yet if I'm still going for them, what does
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: it mean about you if you didn't get them? What
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: does it mean about you if you do? Especially when
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: you're like, oh, they're not even what I want, but
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: yet here I am going for it. That will hit
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: your core beliefs even more in your self esteem. Well,
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: and now I have to get them They ain't shit.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: So if I can't get ain shit, then what does
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: that say about me?
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah? The ego and.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: A egos part of us. My friend brit Frank kind
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: a book out, has a new book out and she
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: talks about the inner critic and she's like, I'm so
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: tired of banish the ego. You can't. It's a part
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: of you that's trying to get rid of a piece.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: What we want to do is learn to understand the
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: ego and understand what it's trying to do to protect us,
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: and not fight it.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: That's part. I love that because I have been labeled
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: pretty egotistical, which whatever, and in sobriety. The whole baseline
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: is we first have to silence the ego because it
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: can be the downfall for a lot of things. I
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: did not subscribe to that because I kind of like
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: my ego.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: I want to understand your ego. I don't want to
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: silence it, Okay, I want to get curious about it.
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: It's like any of my parts, right, Like when I
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: do the how old do I feel? Oh God, I
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: feel like even when my partner will trigger me, they'll say, well,
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: my partner said, no, right, like what's the trigger? Neutral
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: action or inaction? Not that I said some of the
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: other day. She's like this guy came and screamed at
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: me and it triggered me. I was like, no, that's disrespect.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: That's not a trigger. That's somebody like in your fucking face.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: I'd bought him too, So trigger neutral action or inaction?
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: I said something my partner. I was like, oh, babe,
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: could we do something and you wouldn't know? And you
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: just like walked off, not looking in a rude way.
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: He's just like, nah, didn't want to, and I full
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: on like dysregulation. I started sweating, I started hyperventilating, and
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I'm saying that. I was like, ah,
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: the pinch doesn't match the ouch, and I knew that now.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: The old me would have been like, what the fuck
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: do you mean enraging him? And it said. What I
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: did is I took the pause and I took him
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: minute to breathe, and it came back and sup, how
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: old do you feel? And I was like, why do
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: I feel? Like I'm seven right now. And I was like, okay,
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: what happened when I was seven? I was like, dad
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: feels very dismissive. Like dad like he was very cold. Ah,
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: that's it, just my dad. His famous thing is you
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: could bring him. You could bring him a dissertation, you
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: could bring him something that you've worked on for twenty
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: years and he'll look at it and go and just
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: walk off. And you're like, I've woooo what the fuck?
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: So I felt deflated, and so when my partner walked
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: back in the room, I said, hey, babe, can I
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: share something with you? And he was like, yeah, what's
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: going on? And I said, I love you, and please
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: know that you didn't do anything wrong. You have every
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: right to say no to me. When you said that,
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: I got really triggered, and it made me feel like
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: a child again. I felt like I was six. Reminded
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: me of my dad, because my dad's kind of dick
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: and would say this moving forward, could you just say
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: no and maybe just give me a little bit more
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: like no, maybe tomorrow. And he stopped and he was like,
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: oh my god, that makes so much sense. He was
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: like I know him, You're right. I have heard He's like, absolutely, babe,
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: thank you for telling me what you need.
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: I want that. Eh. It exists and the conversation, Like
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: every time you listen to a therapist, dating expert, it's
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: always communication is key, something so simple yet none of
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: us can conquer it.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: It's communication and comprehension. It's not just communication. I can
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: communicate with you, but if you're not comprehending.
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: What I'm saying, it ain't shit right.
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: I'll say this though. Do you know how I got
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: this relationship? From day fucking one? I showed up like
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: this first date. I even told him after we hooked up,
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: I was like, by the way, think you're great and
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: if you want to have a relationship, I was like,
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: I'm down. You want to date me?
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: Fuck?
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I said, but do not call me if you
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: want a booty call or a hook up. I was like,
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: I don't do that. Asked him, how'd your last relationship
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: and and what did it teach you about yourself? What
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: does a healthy and secure relationship look like to you?
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: How do you handle conflict? I was not afraid. I'd
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: rather know that and see if he's emotionally available. Did
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: wards and actions ALIGNE? Okay? He said boundaries, they were appropriate.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: I started to gauge and see that over time because
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: I am the founder of the goddamn company hiring the
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: CEO for my my fucking fortune five hundred. You better
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: believe I'm gonna vet you.
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: Oh I fucking love you.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: So it's about really shifting again. You have choices, you
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: have control, you have power. You're not over them, no, no, no, no,
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: over you.
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: And I think with what you are saying, it is
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: it's a little bit of a different dynamic when when
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: you talk to women and it's always about well, what
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: did you say me? It's the text that you said.
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: That's why he's not responding. Ud Oh, don't even get
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: me started on like the sexy time you have to
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: bring a certain thing to the bedroom, or it's so
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: much pressure on the woman to get the man and
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: hold on that I'm like, I don't even fucking want
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: you bad enough to like be someone that I'm not.
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: I have real questions. I have a real life to
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: protect and take care of. I have children. Like you said,
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: I'm hiring the CEO of my fortune five hundred. I
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: need to know what the fuck is up. I'm not
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: sitting here gonna I'm not gonna spin the wheels on
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: if I didn't give you a five second look instead
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: of three, or I didn't, you know, clap my ass
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: the way you wanted me to in the bedroom. Like,
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: it's so much pressure all the fucking time.
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: You play a game, you're gonna get a player, right,
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: like you play the game. I love that you're gonna
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: get people that are playing that with you. It's the
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: same with love bombing, right when people like I don't
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: get it. I'm so confused, and I get that I
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: was her, but like, I don't get I'm so confused
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: that this guy came on so strong and then completely
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: bopped off after. And it's like, because it was what
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: first of all, when you started a hundred, where the
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: fuck are you gonna go?
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: I know you started, everything's amazing. You're gonna let me
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: down to that as well? Well, that's because that what
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: does that mean about you? Right?
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: Oh? They finally see me. Look, they finally And that's
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: because that's when we have to stop and go, oh,
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: that's the little girl being like, yay, they like me.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: I did a good job. But that's when we have
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: to be the adult and go, hey, baby girl, actually
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: we don't know who the fuck this person is. We're
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: not just gonna give it away. I can't just trust
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: these people. I got your back, Come over here, I'll
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: protect us. And then that's when you, the adults show
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: up and you're like, all right, so tell me who
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: the fuck are you?
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: Oh my god.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: I obsessed with all of this because for me, if
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: I'm more scared, I was. I was not scared of
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: losing other people because I was more scared of losing myself.
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: Oh and I've already done that. I was in a
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: shitty relationship. I married my father like it was. I
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: was a shell of a human. I was, if you
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: see me now twenty five pounds later, like I was
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: to the point where people were like, hey, are you okay?
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: Couldn't function and I he was just a reminded. He
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: wasn't like my dad in the obvious, but how he
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: treated me, how I felt. I felt dismissed, I felt small,
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: I felt like I just everything I said was stupid.
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: And if I can turn into this version of me
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: who has confidence and boundaries and self assurance, who still
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: mind you wakes up scared, who still fears that I'm
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: gonna lose everything, Like I still have my stuff, but
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: if I can turn into this and anybody can fucking
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: do it, because it's not about like, oh well I
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: shoty parents, I have anxious attachment. It's like, no, what
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: you gonna do with it? You get a choice?
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what do you think made you give your partner Ryan?
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: When after the first night, when you were like, I'm
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: not down, Like, what made you go back for a
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: second date? Third date?
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: My mom? Your mom, my mom? She had seen because
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: I was dating too. I was dating him in this
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: other guy.
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: The other guy was other guy was dating app.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, both of them were dating app. And the other
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: guy was everything I'd always dated, Like the tall tattooed
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: it could lick his six pack off with a fucking
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: any it with a stick. I swear. He was so
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: good looking. It was like kind of hard to look
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: at him.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: Were you more into him strictly based off of the
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: because that in the banter, I've become digmatized. Oh, very fucking,
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: very fucking quick.
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: That's why I had such with Ryan, because that was
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: that's what happened. He has such a night and it
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: was great. But with the other guy he was with
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: the Banter, it was the type of thing and you
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: want to go out for a drink and it's like
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: six hours later and you're like crying at the table.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: You're laughing so much and you're like, Okay, I need
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: to take a break. My jaw hurts. Yeah, it was.
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: Two and not from the blow job.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I have a big distinction, and both are good,
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: but I it was I had both of them, and
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: I was Ryan and I had maybe gone on like
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: four or five dates and me and this other guy
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: had gone on like three, so it was very neck
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: and neck, and both of them knew I was dating
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: other people like I did not hide it. I was single,
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: and I remember it like because Ryan kept asking me out.
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: My Mom's like, just go come on, give the guy
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: and try. He's a really good guy. He's really trying.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: And I was like, all right, fine, I'll see what
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: it feels like to receive healthy love. And I was
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: honest with him throughout it of like, hey, I don't
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: really know you very well, like I want to go slow,
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: let's see if we have something here. The other guy
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: was going through a shit to on of mental health
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: and I wanted to fix it. And it wasn't until
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: he came to me and like he told me, he
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm having thoughts of taking my life and
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: I was like, I need to be honest with you.
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: I was like, I can't support you through that. I
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: don't know how to. I'm like, I don't know you
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: well enough. And he decided, He's like, I think I
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: need to go to therapy and I need to do that.
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: And that's when I realized, like I need to focus
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: on somebody who is not a project I need. And
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: it's not again, anyone listening. This is not that I
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: abandoned somebody while they're having a mental health issue. This
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: is that we have three dates I didn't even have,
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: like we made out once. I don't know this person
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: well enough to support him through this type of thing.
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: And he didn't want it right. He was very honest
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: of like, hey, you don't need to do this, like
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: we don't know each other well enough. And I had
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: to make a determination in that moment that I have
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: to go with somebody that could be there for me
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: now and not hoping on the future. And the other
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: guy has messaged me recently and he was like, by
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: the way, I want to thank you, and he was like,
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: you really convinced me to go get help.
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: And I finally actually like feel like I'm in my
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: own body and feel good. And I was like, fuck, yeah, man.
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: Wow, get it. It was like that you were I
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: don't know if you believe in the universe, but it's
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: that you guys came into each other's lives for that purpose, and.
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: I believe in that. And that's how I was able
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: to let him go. And for a while I fought
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: myself on it. I was like, man, but a kid
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: stopped thinking of him, and until'd be with Ryan, I'm like,
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: you're such a dick. Why are you doing this, stupid brain?
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: And then I stopped one day and I was like,
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna try something instead of stopping, instead of trying
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: to tell myself, God, stop thinking about it, get over it,
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: move on. I mean a lot. Okay, So when I
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: think about him midbook, okay, yeah, he was really cool,
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: and like I just I allowed it because here's a
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: fun science. Joe Bolt Taylor's and neuroscientists came out that
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: it takes ninety seconds for an emotion to run its course,
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: So ninety seconds if you right now got angry, and
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: I said, sit with it for ninety seconds, the emotion
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: would be able to pass.
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm using my timer on my phone.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: So the reason I say thank you, The reason that
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: you want to use your timer is because what happens
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: is when you put it on, when you're in one
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: part of your brain, when the timer goes off, it
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: automatically turns your prefrontal cortex onto focus, so you break
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: the loop of what you were just.
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: On the loop.
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: So my tip is put your phone for three minutes. Okay,
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: sit your ass down and just sit with the emotion.
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: And what does that mean? I said, I'm sad right now? Okay,
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: there's no narrative right anytime? Is why am I said?
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: No?
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: No, no, I didn't ask you why I'm sad. I
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: want to sit with I'm sad. I allow it. I
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: sit with it. And then if it's where do I
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: feel that in my body?
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: I feel that in my chest?
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: What does it feel like? God, it feels like a
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: swarm of bees?
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: Are they moving fast or slow?
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: I sit with the emotion? Oh, they're really fast right now? Okay?
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: Can I breathe into them? Three minutes? Three minutes such
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: o'clock for three minutes clock goes off. I will put
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: all of the money I made this year good amount
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: that at the end of it, you'll go, oh, it
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel as intense.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: Wow, I am so implementing that into my hourly life.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: Try it, Try it, I swear is the type of
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: thing when you feel it, allow yourself to process the emotion,
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: and then after then you can start to say, Okay,
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: well came up for me? Where did I feel? How
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: old did I feel? What was coming up? Where did
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: I go? Then you can start to understand the narrative.
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: The story I created is right, he didn't text me.
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: I had a panic attack. There's a lot of space
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: in between that. What's the story that I created? He
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: didn't text me because he isn't like me. Okay, I
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: don't have any facts to back that up. No, I'm
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: feeling insecure right now. Okay, that's really what this is,
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: and hoping that he can validate me.
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: But how do you feel about the the whole? Like
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: when I watched he's just not that into you. I
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: was very young when that came out. It's not very young,
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: but I wasn't. I certainly wasn't out here trying to find.
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: My life partner. We're the same age, so the same
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: and I was.
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: I loved it because all the conversations that you have
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: with girlfriends, it just like it was perfectly presented right
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: where it's like, we don't need to sit here for
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: hours and figure out what this text means, or the
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: lack of text, what that means. He doesn't he's not
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: fucking into you. How do you get your like, how
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: do you get your brain to just go okay, we're
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: good with that and we're moving on rather than obsessing
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: over Maybe it was the way that I did this.
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: Maybe he didn't like the way that I slept. You
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: go down that path of you did something wrong.
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: Because that's your core belief, same with me. When you
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: go down that path, what happens is your prefrontal core
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: text the front part of your brain, and then we
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: have the amygdala super far from each other, which is
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: the bullshit. What happens is when you get ysregularly, so
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: the text didn't come through right, your body sees panic.
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: Now there's no tiger, there's no bear, there's a cell phone,
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: same thing. But our brains are just not We're not
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: wired for this shit. And or I'll at least to
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: be able to handle all the technology. And so when
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: you're in your front prefrontal cortex, and that's decision making
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: common sense. So that's where we can logically go, you
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: know what, maybe this isn't for me, and right, we
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: can sit there and talk. When you're a migdala comes
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: on and your prefrontal cortex shots off, you get disregulated,
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: you go back to being six because your amgdala stopped
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: growing at six, and it's the fear center, and that's
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: what holds on to emotions and fear. So that's why
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: you're like, God, I feel like I'm gonna I feel
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: like my heart's gonna come out of my chest. Your
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: body cannot differentiate physical from emotional pain. It feels the same,
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: so it triggers the same response of she needs to
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: be safe. So what we want to do is turn
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: your prefrontal cortex back on. Okay, and so that is
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: regulating your nervous system. That could be okay. I'm like
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: for me, I know I'm disregulated because I have certain
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: body sensations. My shoulders tense up, my jaw starts to tighten,
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: I start to sweat, I get this wave of heat.
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: I already know I'm not in my frontal brain, so
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: I'm I might maybe just sit up straight, take a
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: deep breath if I have too much energy, like I
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm gonna fucking go crazy, Like I had
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: a troll that said something mean to me on the
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: internet ones I fought it. I literally punched the air
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: for like a minute. I was like, okay, all right,
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: I'm good, I'm safe. You have to tell you because
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: your body doesn't know what to do with that energy.
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: And if you were in the jungle, it would run,
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: you would keep yourself safe. But unfortunately you're sitting at
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: home with some show that didn't answer you. How are
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: we going to do that? Maybe that means going for
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: a quick walk, bilateral movements and being able to use
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: both sort like you know, your feet moving and using
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: your five four, three, two one five things. I can see,
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: four things, I can touch, three things, I can write.
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: There's different tools, yes, that we can tap into. But
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: I will tell a quick story for all of my
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: girls that want to sit here and talk about texting.
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: I was the school of thought. I if he doesn't
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: text you every day, isn't like you? That was I
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: wrote the book on that I was like, no, no, no,
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you. If you go on a date, Andy
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: text you after he's into you, and if he doesn't,
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: that means doesn't like you. Black and white thinking ok
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: good bad. And the guy right before Ryan text me
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: every day. We'd keep little nicknames in each other and
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: our phone like we were doing that wildly emotionally unavailable.
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: And when I met Ryan, not a big text and
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: he was honest. He was like, I'm not doing this shit.
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: And I was like, eh, now I'll change that. Yeah, No,
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: I didn't. Was he a caller ish, so like we'd
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: go like two days, wouldn't hear from him. But we
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: always had plans, consistently had plans like after when we
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: hooked up and I left the next morning, or I
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: left that night, sorry the next morning. I didn't hear
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: from him the night we barted ways and I that
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: was it, Like we just didn't talk. And so I
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: woke up and I was like, this guy's not let
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: into me. And so later in the day when he
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: text and he said, you know, blah blah, I'm put
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: my phone down, but are you free Friday? And I
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, yeah, okay, that sounds good. Fine, That
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: was how we dated. It would be make a plan
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: and then he'd build up. Maybe a day or two
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: would go by, he would confirm the day hate I
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: can't wait to see you Friday. But that was it,
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: maybe like a month into dating. Every date I saw
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: it as first date to see if I want a second, second,
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: just to see if I want to have a third.
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not trying to see if this is the love
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: of my life. I just want to see if I
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: want to see this person again. And I text him
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: and he was said like, hey, you know, how's your day?
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: Blah blah.
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: I txt him. I was like good.
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: I said, you know, hey, Can I be honest, I'd
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: love more texting in between our dates to feel more
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: connected to you. Are you open to that? And he wrote,
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: I'm going to quickly say no, but let me explain.
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: And he said, I werek in tech and I stare
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: at a screen for nine to ten hours a day.
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: The last thing I want to do when I'm done
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: with that is take out a mini screen and stare
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: in my hand, try to build a connection with somebody
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: when I want to be present with my dog and
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: my friends. If you're open to it, I'd love to
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: schedule consistent dates with you. I'm happy to call you
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: or do a FaceTime, but I'm telling you right now
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not engaging in this texting bullshit. Let me know
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: if that works for you, and if not, I completely
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: respect her to say what fuck? And I was like
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: a panty's dropped. I was like fuck yeah, man. I
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: was like, that is because that's what I meant. It's
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: not that I was scared to approach him. No, no, no no.
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: And he said he's like, I've had women that.
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: Are like fuck yeah, blah blah.
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: And he's like, okay, cool, no worries, like this doesn't
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: work for you. But when he set that boundary of
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: here's what I'm comfortable with. And to this day, he
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: will never listen to a voice note. He thinks I'm
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: being rude if I send one, will not We'll not
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: do it. Won't do it. He thinks I'm fucking attacking him.
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: If I call him, it's oh god. He hates his phone,
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: he hates being on it.
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: I relate to that. Why yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: But you see what I mean. I would have ended
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: it with him the first date. If I was like,
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: fuck this guy, he didn't text me. It's not about
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: the text, it's what the text signifies. Let me guess
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: the narrative I've created. He didn't text me. What does
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: that mean? That doesn't like me?
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: Uh? Every dude that has texted me every single day
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: has been such a fucking letdown.
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: Because it's a false sense of intimacy.
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: There also, get a fucking job, get a life. How
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: do you have so much time to text me.
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: Good morning beautiful? That could be automated? Hey, to break it?
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: Do you? I had wondered, I'll never forget. I wonder
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: I was sleeping with and he texts a girl fucking
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: next to me good morning, And I was like, you
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: were aging piece of shit, But kudo's good for you.
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: Keep that girl on because you're not coming back here.
• 47:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, right, you met her? Cure on because I'm never
• 47:38
  Speaker 2: coming back.
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: That's it, it can be. It's and again I have
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: talked to him plenty of dudes. I met the guy
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: I did before Ryan. I asked him, I said, why
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: were you so like? What was it about like texting
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: me every day? And he looked at me straight in
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: the eyes and goes, do you not think that I
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: know what a woman wants? And I was like, that
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: is so true.
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: They all know we're so fucking I'm sorry, but are
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: they stupid?
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: Like they're not dumb. They're like, oh, girl wants me
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: to text her every day, and it's like, not every
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: guy's gonna do that. Like there are men like Ryan
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: that are like, I'm not doing this. I'm gonna stay
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: true to myself. The reason we're in the relationship we
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: have right now, the reason we have these hard conversations
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: we always have. I was not afraid to lose him.
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: I was more afraid to lose myself.
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: I'm taking that with me because I have lost myself
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: and I feel for like, when we're talking about dating
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: and being out there in that capacity and being intimate
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: with the opposite sex, for me, it immediately takes me
• 48:30
  Speaker 2: to a place that I don't trust you. I don't
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: trust you yet. But if we're talking about just my
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: everyday life, I am fulfilled and present and I feel
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: like we've done it. You know, someone said to me
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: the other day, like, are you dating? And I said,
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: not right now. I'm just not open to it. I
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: have kids. You know you should do it now because
• 48:58
  Speaker 2: your kids aren't gonna remember that you went on a date.
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: I said, but I'll remember that I left them, Like,
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: I know they're sleeping, but I want to know that
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: I'm here with them. She says, I know, but you
• 49:08
  Speaker 2: need to be happy too, And I'm like, but I.
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: Am who said I wasn't.
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: We're there, so why go chase something. Although I'm open
• 49:17
  Speaker 2: to it, I'm not saying that I'm not going to
• 49:19
  Speaker 2: be out there because we're there. I'm happy. I love companionship,
• 49:24
  Speaker 2: I love I'm not the type of person that needs
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: to go and sleep with a lot of different men.
• 49:31
  Speaker 2: I want to show up and choose you every single day,
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: and you're one hundred percent, I'm one hundred percent. We're
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: equally two hundred percent. I know that I will find
• 49:40
  Speaker 2: that one day. I think it's getting back on the
• 49:43
  Speaker 2: horse that is the most terrifying. It's like working out.
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: You haven't worked out for a really long time, and
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: the thought of it is terrifying, and then you do
• 49:50
  Speaker 2: it and you're like, oh my god, I'm doing it again,
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: and then it just becomes normal.
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: And also do because when you're single, you're not being triggered.
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: Nothing will trigger you, like to dynamics. Even if you
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: had a great childhood. Like a romantic relationship with friends,
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: you get to leave right you're not with them all
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: the time. Yes, there's no one that sees every nook
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: and cranny like a romantic relationship. So that's why we
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: feel like it's easier stay single. It's like, no, you're
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: not growing. I look at triggers as a challenge accepted.
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: When I get triggered, I'm not like that's it. I
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: mean I wanted to. But instead what I look at
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: is like, how can I evolve and grow from this?
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: So as you're dating, once you get back on the horse,
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: like working out, I hate it. Nobody wants to go
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: sit there and do hip thrust. They fucking suck. But
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: when that peach is juicy after, it's worth the squeeze.
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: Oh worth it.
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: It's so worth it. It's the same with dating, and
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: that's where we have to look and say, Okay, what
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: are my boundaries right? What am I willing and not willing?
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: So if I go in, what are my non negotiables?
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: My non negotiables we need to be. You need to
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: be over your ex. I'm not dealing with this bullshit.
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: My other non negotiable like I'm not your friend. Yes,
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: I am your partner. I'm your friend, but I'm not
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: your friend in the sense where I'm like, hey, buddy,
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: old pal, Like it's okay, No, I'm not going to
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: leave you for three four weeks and then come back.
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: It's like, I'm your partner, I'm your equal. Treat me
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: as such, okay. Consistency. Consistency doesn't mean that you text
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: me every day at the same time. Are words and
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: actions aligning? If I say I'm gonna call you, do
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: you call? If I say I'll see you Friday, do
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: I see you Friday? Or do you cancel a reschedule? Accordingly?
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: Do I trust? Because consistency breeds reliability, which breeds trust.
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: That's how you'll start to trust peoples when they're consistent
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: with you. Are they reciprocal? I'm serving and you're serving it?
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: I text you, you text me you're bad. It's not
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: me fucking serving the ball a thousand times to get
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: your attention or vice versa. How are we showing up?
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: What boundaries do I have in place to protect myself?
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: Because it's about me taking care of me. No one
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: is going to show up for me like I will, right,
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: and no one is going to protect you like you will.
• 51:33
  Speaker 2: I get a way for you to hook me up
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: with someone me too, And you're a fucking badass. I
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: like your approach to dating, and I like your approach
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: because I feel like it's very now. I've spoken to
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: dating experts, but I feel like it's very antiquated.
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, don't wait three dates to text and don't you
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: said girls one the coach on TikTok that says don't sleepless,
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: don't kiss someone for three fucking months.
• 51:57
  Speaker 2: I've seen all of these because it actually is taking
• 52:01
  Speaker 2: me back to what you said playing the game and
• 52:04
  Speaker 2: you're going to attract a player, which is literally I
• 52:08
  Speaker 2: have been there, I've done that. Like I'm a thirty
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: almost five year old woman like you will hear me
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: roar right time for that. I don't have time for it.
• 52:17
  Speaker 2: And so you and I offline are going to connect
• 52:19
  Speaker 2: because I have a good feeling about this. Yeah, thank
• 52:21
  Speaker 2: you so much for being on my podcast. Thank you
• 52:23
  Speaker 2: for having me you guys, thank you so much for
• 52:25
  Speaker 2: listening to another episode of the Give Them La La Podcast.
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: Where can we find You Sabrina.
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: Sabrina dot Zohar. TikTok still exists, and The Zoar Show
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: on Instagram and YouTube and the Spotify Apple if you
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: wanted to hear me talk to a camera for thirty
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: five minutes. I give a lot of tough love.
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: We do, Yeah, we do. I can tell you that
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: right now. Thank you, guys. I will catch you guys
• 52:44
  Speaker 2: on Monday for a bonus and Wednesday for a regular
• 52:46
  Speaker 2: old episode. Bye.