Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When Your Boss Is the Problem
Transcript
- Luna: So Lucas, we get a lot of questions from listeners about finding a mentor when their manager is part of the problem. Not just unsupportive, but actively blocking their growth. Lucas: Yeah, it's one of the toughest spots to be in. Because the person who's supposed to be developing you is actually the obstacle. A LinkedIn survey from last year found that 58 percent of professionals have stayed in a job longer than they wanted because they didn't know where else to turn for guidance. Luna: Fifty-eight percent — that's huge. And I bet a lot of those people were dealing with a bad boss, not just a bad role. Lucas: Exactly. And the instinct is to look for a mentor inside your own chain of command — your boss's boss, a skip-level. But when your boss is the problem, that route is fraught. You risk retaliation, or at least awkwardness. So you have to get creative. Luna: What's the first step then? Because most people freeze when they realize their manager isn't going to help them. Lucas: First step is to map your 'shadow network.' These are people in your organization who you respect, who have influence, but who are not in your reporting line. Maybe it's a senior person in another department, a peer who's been around a long time, even someone from a different office. Luna: Right — and you approach them not with a complaint about your boss, but with a specific request for guidance on a skill or a project. Lucas: Yes. You frame it as, 'I'm trying to get better at X — could I buy you a coffee and ask how you've approached it?' That's palatable to anyone, and it doesn't trigger any red flags. I've seen this work especially well for women in male-dominated industries, where the boss might not even realize they're being exclusionary. Luna: And what if there's no one inside the company you trust? Then you go external? Lucas: That's where the second step comes in: external events. Industry conferences, trade associations, even virtual meetups. A listener named Maria — she was a marketing coordinator at a mid-sized tech firm — her boss refused to give her any stretch assignments. So she joined the local chapter of the American Marketing Association. Within three months, she had a mentor who was a VP at another company, and that mentor ended up sponsoring her for a job opening six months later. Luna: That's a great example. She didn't complain about her boss; she just went out and built her network. Lucas: And the key is, she framed her ask around 'career resilience' — not 'I'm stuck with a bad manager.' People are much more willing to mentor someone who seems proactive and growth-oriented, not someone who's venting. Luna: It's also worth noting that when you go external, you often get more honest advice. An internal mentor has to be careful about politics. An external one can tell you straight up that your boss is toxic and you should leave, if that's the case. Lucas: Exactly. And that brings us to the third step: once you have a mentor, use them to help you navigate the politics without being confrontational. They can role-play conversations with you, help you document things, or even just be a sounding board for whether it's time to leave. Luna: If today was actually useful to you, the way these stay ad-free is listener support — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, a small way to keep the conversation going. Now, back to those roleplay scenarios — I think one of the most powerful things a mentor can do is help you frame your accomplishments in a way that makes it hard for your boss to ignore. Luna: Can you give an example? I think a lot of people struggle with self-advocacy when their manager is dismissive. Lucas: Sure. Let's say you led a project that saved the company $50,000. Your boss might take credit or downplay it. A mentor can help you document that in a weekly update to your boss's boss, or in a one-on-one with HR. The mentor can even advise you on the language — 'I'm proud of the team's work on X, which resulted in Y savings.' Not accusatory, just factual. Luna: And if the boss still blocks you? At what point do you accept that the mentor isn't enough and you need to leave? Lucas: That's the hard question. I'd say if you've tried internal shadow network, external mentors, and self-advocacy for six months and nothing changes — your boss is a fixture, not a phase. At that point, a good external mentor will help you plan your exit. They might even know of openings. Luna: So the mentor becomes a career lifeline, not just a guide. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the untold story of mentorship — it's not just for people who are thriving. It's for people who are surviving. Especially when the person who should be in your corner isn't. Luna: Great advice as always, Lucas. Next episode, we'll talk about something a little lighter — how to be a mentor when you're early in your career yourself. Lucas: Looking forward to it.