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The Art of Living – Your Romantic Relationship · The Missing Secret Podcast

• 0:00
  Kelly Hatfield: Welcome to The Missing Secret Podcast. I'm Kelly Hatfield,
• 0:04
  John Mitchell: Hey, and I'm John Mitchell. So the topic today is the art of living your romantic relationship. So, Kelly, do you think there is an art to living?
• 0:17
  Kelly Hatfield: I think that there's an art and a science.
• 0:21
  John Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah, that Good point. Good point.
• 0:23
  I'm excited to dive into this conversation. So, yeah, let's do it.
• 0:27
  Well, I'm hoping that my wife is not listening to this. So, you know, we've got to keep this on the day alone. I'm saying to you, well, you know, I see that a big part of the art of living is having a great romantic relationship, and that can be a challenge. And, you know, I see that it can be a challenge because your spouse either has testosterone or estrogen flowing through their veins, which is the opposite of what you have flowing through your veins, right? And I'll give you an example of this. And this happened. When did happen? I guess it happened like Thursday or or Friday evening. Oh, I just yeah, it was Friday. So I'm all excited because our women's basketball team at the University of Texas got into the Final Four, and I'm tight with the coach, and I have four seats, and I talked to the coach before every home game, and I know the players huge accomplishment, and ginger really hasn't focused on them nearly like I have and and doesn't really know the significance of of the game Friday night. And so I'm all excited about telling her about the game and how important it is, and this is it, the winner plays in the national championship game. And so I start talking to her, and she says, I say, it's it's going on right now. And she says, So what time zone is that in? I'm like, ginge, I have no idea wherever his play is going on right now. I'm like, why does that matter? Well, yeah, I see this happen a lot, and I'm like, it was frustrating. And after sort of our interchange, I'm like, What the heck is going on in your head? And but then I thought later that night, I'm like, Well, you know what's going through her head? She's got estrogen going through her veins, and so she innately looks at things differently than I do, and it's easy to forget in the moment that that's the case, but I see this all the time that your spouse because they have the the different hormone coursing through their veins, they just look at things differently than you do. They're not intentionally doing that. They're just wired that way, like the classic example is like a woman when you're deciding how to go somewhere, the woman's probably going to be inclined to figure out the most scenic way. Well, the guy is going to be focused on what's the most efficient, quickest way and but that's sort of an example. But tell us your your thoughts on this difference in how men and women process, yeah,
• 3:44
  And I don't know. I mean, obviously I think hormones play a role, but I think there I'm more when we had the conversation about the DISC assessment, right? That resonates more with me, because you just talked about, like a woman being more apt to want to take the scenic route, where I just, like, how do we get there the fastest and the shortest you know, right? Like, the last, least amount of traffic, the least amount of you know. So when you say estrogen, testosterone, like, I know, absolutely, those play a factor in how, you know, in different roles culturally, all of those things play into how women think versus how men think for sure, but I will, I'll say, you know, it's interesting when, for example, my husband, he is always into like, there's a problem, you know, let me fix it. What's right? You know what I mean? And so where there are some differences with the two of us in our communication style, is it like sometimes I don't want him to fix anything. I just want to talk and share, you know, what I'm thinking about or what's going on, and don't necessarily want his opinion
• 4:52
  Right, right. Oh, he's not watching this
• 4:57
  Kelly Hatfield: Exactly!
• 5:00
  John Mitchell: You know, we're, by the end of this show, we'll both be single problem,
• 5:06
  You know. So I think that, again, it is, it plays into, you know, just the way the different way people communicate, how they think. And, you know, I do think there's absolutely some things that are related to gender, that have to do with hormone and culture and all of those things. But, you know, I think that more so than anything, it's just, I think, understanding the perspective that seek first, to understand and understanding the perspective of where somebody's coming from. And so like with Jared, I know, like he's a fixer. He that's what he does. He solves problems. And so if I were to talk to him about something going on that's not going great. He's going to give you advice on how to that's just how he operates. So now, being together, married for almost 30 years, this year is I will start the conversation and say, you know, I want to share something with you, and I'm more so just thinking out loud, I don't need for you to solve the problem. I just need for you to listen, you know, or when I start going in and I don't preface it now, Jared knows and asks me, do you want my advice, or do you just want a sounding board? So there's a dialog that happens because we've known each other for so long, but like, that was a problem. I'm like, I used to get super defensive because he would try to solve it. And it felt like, by, you know, I would get defensive when he would try to solve the problem with, you know, not knowing all of the nuances and, you know. And so we had to kind of figure out, that's where that art, you know, kind of piece comes into play, and understanding how you're going to communicate effectively, you know. And then the science, I feel like, too, has to do with, literally, the, you know, the, like you were saying, the hormones, I think the just the way sometimes we're designed, you know, very differently from one another. Back to that book, what was it? Men Are From Venus, when women are from Mars, or vice versa, right? We're just, you know, thinking it, I Jared is super, super, very simple when it comes to similar to you, where it's like, you've what you feel like, I'll share a problem, and he's like, Well, like he breaks it down to the simplest, like, common denominator or whatever, and then it's like, oh, well, yeah.
• 7:18
  Why am I making this more complex?
• 7:20
  Exactly, you know. And so anyway, that's my like, kind of two cents around that, but that is getting to know one another, and, like, I've talked about this on many episodes before in the past, and influence and on. But for me, it's always just about asking questions. So if Jared asks me something that is irritating, you know, or that's my physiological response is, like, I bristle where I'm like, then I will say, Well, why is it that that is the like, I'll ask a question, like, what? What did you mean when you say that? Or did you mean for that to sound the way that it did? Or, you know, and then feel, you know, inevitably go, No, I didn't mean that at all. This is what I meant by so I think that it's, you know, just again, knowing how to communicate effectively is the key, I think, to a relationship with longevity. Well,
• 8:13
  Kelly Hatfield: I think you said something that was really key, that that the the art of living and the art of a romantic relationship is you have to know your partner and know yourself and like you were saying to him, I don't need you to solve it. I just need you to listen to it. Well, you know, for a man, that's great. Just tell me what the deal is. Don't make me guess, oh, okay, you just need to talk about is you don't be need me to to solve it. Okay, great. You know that's, that's the essence of the art of living. And I tell you, part of the the art of living is realizing how profoundly different other people are from you. I've oftentimes thought that people are the amalgamation of their genetics plus what has come into their consciousness to this point in their life, and then you add on whether they have testosterone or estrogen coursing through their veins and and as you apply this to the DISC profile as an example with with a D, I'm a D, 91% of people are different than me. So 91% right off the bat, are different now the other three personality types, about 70% of people are different. But when you also add in whether they're female or male, then you can cut the number that's like you in half. And so I see like, if I'm dealing with somebody that's not a D and. Yeah, and they're, they're female, you know, I'm dealing with maybe three or 4% of the population that things like I do, and so I don't know. I just see that that the art of living really comes down to understanding how to deal with people seeing the world differently than than you do, or reacting to the world differently than you do, and there is truly an art to it, right?
• 10:26
  John Mitchell: Yeah, no, and I think it does. It comes down to asking questions. I had an interesting conversation with a client the other day that I was visiting on site. It was about they were having some turnover, and wanted to talk about some of the challenges they were having and anyway, but it was interesting their perspective, you know, on the situation, because they were like, right in the middle of it, they were kind of getting all the blow back, they were and so in just asking a lot of questions and understanding now I understand their perspective and where they're Coming from it, I can now understand why they're reacting to this person the way that they're reacting to them, you know, and so, and then just asking, continuing to ask additional questions. And, you know, you know, one of the questions I said, Well, what is what if you looked at it this way? What do you think would happen if you reframed it and looked at this this way? And they said, Yeah, things would probably, and it's like, you know, there's a whole, like, a kind of process to understanding and to influence. But yeah, I think that seeking, first, to understand in every, you know, kind of conversation, when you're with a spouse and you're with someone for as long as you've been, you know, with ginger, as long as I've been with Jared too, you know, it's easy. You start to kind of get a shorthand, you know, because you you know what makes ginger tick. You know what I mean and that
• 11:46
  I have no idea what makes her tick. Not a clue.
• 11:53
  Kelly Hatfield: I know what Jared what makes Jared tick?
• 11:55
  John Mitchell: Well, so get into that. No sense getting into that. That this is a PJ PT show, please,
• 12:10
  But you do start to get a shorthand with one another. And I would argue, John that in that scenario that you laid out at the beginning where ginger said something that wasn't really relevant to the story that you were telling her about with, you know, the time zone, and you were talking about how excited you were and everything, which would be your vision, that visualization kicking in your your programming, and saying, I'm going to be patient.
• 12:33
  Yeah, flexible and thoughtful.
• 12:39
  Kelly Hatfield: That way out the window in that moment,
• 12:40
  Completely. No, oddly enough, it did not go out the window, really, you know, which is the amazing thing. But I see that this art of living it really plays out in your romantic relationship, because that affects so much of your happiness on a day in, day out basis is the vibe you have going with your significant other. And I see that through, through our methodology, like, like, I trigger myself when, when she says something irritating, like she did, I just noticed my irritation. I it doesn't make the irritation go away, but it keeps stuff from coming out of my hat, my mouth, well, while I'm irritated, and by the time, you know, I've paused for a minute, or for like, literally a second or two, then whatever was going to come out of my mouth does not come out of my mouth. And and I see like I program myself to give the ginge two compliments a day. I also am programmed to understand what, what her love language is, what, what moves the needle and in making her happy, I program in that we do our Sunday relationship talk. And so there's a lot of things in this methodology that you really can hugely impact your romantic relationship, and I think that's significant, because I think a lot of times people don't realize the level of control they now have over their romantic relationship. I mean, you can make you you better in the relationship, because that's all you ultimately control, and in turn, that will make your partner better. So, and I see this all the time with with people that first start doing our methodology, the first place it shows up is in their romantic relationship, and they're like, Well, this is pretty good. I can I can do this. I can do that. My partner reacted well to it. I just saw because I was grading my my class papers over the weekend, so many of them now are doing a relationship talk with their significant other. I mean, how powerful is that? When you're 20? Years old. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't figure this out until I was 50, yeah. So it's just pretty cool. Well,
• 15:08
  John Mitchell: I love it too, because the, you know, the visualization and the methodology, it reinforces, like, how you want to show up in the world, whether it's with your spouse and any relationship that you're in, right? And it goes back to what we what we talk about, you know, 100 times on on this show, which is, you know, this is an exchange of energy. Any, you know, any interaction or relationship that you have is an exchange of energy. How you show up matters, you know, so when you start showing up differently, you know, in your relationship, some of the things that you just mentioned, John, you know, typically, that will start to change, because the energy is reciprocated. You know what? I mean, it's hard to be a jerk to somebody who's being, you know, thoughtful and giving you a compliment and everything. It's hard when I mean, you watch how that naturally happens. We're programmed that way. We have mirror neurons, you know. Anyway, it's amazing, because it is really about how you personally are showing up. And the benefit to that in your romantic relationship is because you spend so much time with this individual, you know, and you know you're showing up the way you're showing up, now that person starts to mirror that behavior, and they're, you know, so it's so fascinating how that the impact that that has specifically on your, you know, romantic relationship with your partner, because you are so entrenched in life with one another. I mean, it's it can see it happen on that micro level, you know, or macro level out in the world, you know, with people you're interacting with, but watching the extent to the impact that it can have on this close relationship that you have is pretty special. And it's something really that was unexpected for, you know, I It wasn't something I expected to the extent that, yeah, because I thought we've been together at the time that you and I, you know, connected, you know, we've been together for well over 20 years, you know. And so I was like, I don't know to what extent that is going to improve it, because we've been together for so long, and but it really does. It changes when you start showing up differently in your life. People start showing up differently in your life
• 17:20
  Well, and I think that one of the things I see with people is oftentimes their romantic relationship is not very good. They may have been with them a long time. And I remember when I first started teaching this so often I would find out that people are four or five on a scale of 110 on their romantic relationship, and the fact that they'd been married a long time really didn't matter. I was like, boy, let's either fix it or get out if it's a four or five. Yeah. I mean, life is too short and and I think largely if they've been together a long time, I think they just resign themselves to having a lousy relationship. And to me, the art of living is that is unacceptable. You either fix it or you get out one or the other. And I think most people are way too accepting of it not being what it can be. And I was just telling a friend of mine, I may have told you this judge and I took this marriage course over during our Sunday night talks, and it was so good, so much better than like, you know, I have found marriage counselors not to be very good. I haven't really needed one, but over, over probably our 17 years together, we've gone to a marriage counselor twice, and I just did not think it was all that helpful, because the marriage counselors are always concerned about not pissing somebody off, and so nobody is wrong. But wait a minute, yes, sometimes, a lot of times, somebody is right and somebody is wrong. If I'm wrong, tell me, but also if she's wrong, tell her, because we can't move forward. But this, course, and I forget the name of the guy, I think his name is Matt Townsend, but it's, it's very good and a completely different approach to improving your marriage. But maybe the larger issue, I wanted to say is that I've been really focused on this idea of the art of living, and we're talking about as it relates to your romantic relationship, but, but it also relates to how you look at other people, how you view other people, and how you interact with other people, and the perspective you have in your life. Well, those are things that you can clearly tweak in your life. EPS template. And so to me, the art of living is manifested by properly using our 12 minute a day technique. Maybe that's the main thing I wanted to convey today,
• 20:11
  Kelly Hatfield: Absolutely.
• 20:14
  John Mitchell: So okay, well, I think we have imparted as much wisdom as we've got today, so and maybe beyond that, so until next time we'll see you.