Latest / NDV Podcast: Neurodiverse Voices Connect / Navigating Neurodiversity: Ana’s Journey Through ADHD and Parenting

Transcript

Navigating Neurodiversity: Ana’s Journey Through ADHD and Parenting · NDV Podcast: Neurodiverse Voices Connect

0:14
Welcome back to the Neuro Diverse Voices podcast and hello
0:19
season 4. I'm your host, Andrea Costa, and
0:24
I'm so grateful to have you on that side.
0:27
Over the past three seasons we've shared honest, powerful,
0:31
real stories from neuro divergent people, their
0:34
families, educators and mental health researchers, and together
0:39
we've been part of a growing movement towards understanding,
0:44
acceptance and embracing difference.
0:49
This isn't we are going even deeper.
0:52
We will be. Exploring late diagnosis,
0:56
masking, burnout, menopause, mental health, and how neural
1:01
divergent intersects with identity, culture, and lived
1:07
experience. You'll hear from creative minds,
1:11
parents, and most importantly from neurodivergent people
1:16
themselves in all their complexity and brilliance.
1:21
So whether you've been with us from the very beginning or this
1:26
is your first time listening or watching, welcome This space is
1:32
for you. Let's begin season 4 of the
1:36
Neuro Diverse Voices podcast. Hi everyone, So we are
1:46
approaching, we are approaching the end of season 4 of the Neuro
1:50
Diverse Voices podcast and I could not have thought about a
1:53
better way to end it with today's guest.
1:57
She's certified ADHD coach, a neuro divergent consultant, and
2:03
she has lived the experience of ADHD and as a parent carer of
2:08
neuro divergent children. So welcome Anna Bonacera to the
2:12
Neuro Diverse voices podcast. How are you, Anna?
2:15
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here.
2:18
Yeah, finally. It took a while.
2:21
We've been talking about it for a long time.
2:23
But yeah, I'm very excited to learn more about you, even
2:26
though I know already quite a lot, but to share your inspiring
2:31
story with with the rest of the of the audience.
2:35
So shall we start with you sharing a little bit more about
2:38
your journey and how you came to be a mum of five children?
2:43
You are one of my superstars and how that's been like so far.
2:49
Yeah. So yeah, I'll just start of a
2:53
overview of all of the children and then we can work our way
2:57
through it. So I have five children, my
3:00
eldest is 13 who is on the waiting list with CAMS currently
3:05
for an autism ADHD assessment and then I have almost 12 year
3:12
old twins. They were first diagnosed when
3:16
they were 3 1/2 as autistic, global development delay,
3:20
sensory processing difficulties, and both were non verbal at the
3:23
time. And they now are at special
3:27
needs school and have been for their entire school life.
3:30
They're just moved up to the secondary site.
3:34
And the global development delay has now changed to a learning
3:39
disability diagnosis, which is something maybe we should talk
3:42
about later, which is a a big, a big thing, which I'm talking
3:46
about these days because I already just learned this after
3:49
five. It needs to be changed.
3:51
So one has civilian disability and is still minimally speaking
3:55
and one is moderate, but he is completely verbal now.
3:58
So taking very different paths, obviously with the same mother
4:02
and family. So it's very interesting to see
4:05
they're they're kind of like different journeys.
4:08
I then have two children with my now husband and they are Spencer
4:15
is 7. He is also waiting for an autism
4:19
ADHD assessment. And then I have a 2 year old
4:23
girl who is absolutely wild and amazing, but very independent
4:31
woman already. So I'm kind of scared for the
4:33
future of of what that's going to bring.
4:35
Having a girl is so very different to having having boys.
4:38
And so, yeah, so we have a very kind of like wide variety of
4:45
spices in our household. And then I was diagnosed ADHD in
4:51
February of this year at 32. And then I had an autism
4:57
assessment 3 weeks ago, which was very, very, very strange
5:02
process. And so waiting to hear back
5:05
about the results on that one. So we'll, yeah, we'll see.
5:09
Yeah, wow. And yeah, Mila is definitely,
5:13
Yeah, I, I love your your posts on social media.
5:16
She's the cutest. And yeah, you can see she has a
5:19
strong character. Might be the a bit of the
5:21
Italian blood that there is flowing.
5:25
So, yeah, thank you so much for sharing, Anna.
5:28
So focusing now on your ADHD, so you, you mentioned the autism
5:36
assessment, but let's go back to the ADHD assessment.
5:39
How was it to go through both of them?
5:44
So the ADHD was I went for the right to choose pathway, which
5:50
is where the basically obviously the NHS is overwhelmed with with
5:55
how many assessments there are. So they are taking on 3rd party
6:00
private kind of companies to assist.
6:03
So you don't have to pay for it. There's kind of like a lot of
6:07
talk about, oh, you have to pay for it now that's not the case
6:10
at all. It is only in England.
6:12
So it's not the whole of the UK unfortunately.
6:16
But I went with Psychiatry UK, it took just over a year and I
6:22
had a really great experience, had a really lovely psychiatrist
6:27
and kind of explained, she goes through and asks all the
6:31
questions like she needs to know about your history and like how
6:36
it showed up in childhood. And I think that's really hard
6:38
because trying to remember what you were like.
6:42
And I found I struggled more in the autism assessment than I did
6:45
in ADHD, trying to remember. But there are certain things
6:49
that kind of stick out for me that I kind of realised were not
6:54
just like Anna quirks, but they were actually, you know, about
6:58
being no divergent and discussing that.
7:01
And I'd kind of come to the idea of finding I was ADHD through my
7:07
eldest actually, because when he was assessed with CAMS, like
7:12
initial, the initial assessment, they said he scored high for
7:16
autism and anxiety, which I wasn't surprised at at all.
7:19
I'd always seen those. But then she said ADHD and I was
7:22
like, ADHD. What?
7:24
Like he's not ADHD. He's so quiet.
7:27
He's so, so this, so that like just not the stereotypical
7:31
bouncing off the walls kind of ADHD that you see.
7:34
And then when I started to learn what ADHD actually was like, not
7:39
just the hyperactive profile, but the inattentive, I was like,
7:44
Oh my gosh, that's me. And he is me.
7:47
And we're the same like we are all so internal, such a like the
7:54
kind of like the form, like rather than the fight, flight or
7:58
freeze, we are the form. We kind of just do as we're told
8:00
because we, we don't want to, you know, have that
8:03
confrontation. So that kind of was the start of
8:08
my IDHD journey was through finding out him.
8:11
And a lot of people talk about the inattentive side being in
8:13
women. And I'm really like a strong
8:15
like believer. Like, no, this is, you know, we
8:18
need to see this as not just a female thing.
8:21
Yeah, it's great that we've noticed that it is in females,
8:24
but it happens with with with males too.
8:27
Like, and you know, we're a perfect example of that.
8:31
So I literally obviously at this point, I think he was 10 or not
8:38
9 or 10 and he's 13 now. So we lived kind like about
8:43
autism. Everything was about autism in
8:45
our house because the twins were diagnosed when they were so
8:47
young. You know, we, I don't have any
8:50
qualifications in autism and actually tried to do one once,
8:54
but my ADHD brain could not focus with the material this
8:58
certain company had given me and I just, I couldn't deal with it.
9:01
So that's something to come from in the, in the future when a
9:05
company who actually is ADHD friendly comes up with the
9:08
course. But we have all the lived
9:10
experience and I've been on all the parenting courses from
9:14
people who've, you know, they put you on.
9:18
So I knew nothing about ADHD and I, it just became my hyper focus
9:23
on my special interest. And yeah, so I knew a really
9:29
great lady called Kim who had put together some courses and I
9:36
just was like, she's ADHD, she knows how to teach about ADHD, 2
9:41
ADHDS. And yeah, so I did literally 3
9:44
courses like almost back-to-back within like 2 years to complete
9:49
my ADHD practitioner, ADHD coaching and ADHD advance.
9:53
And the first point of call I wanted to do that was because I
9:56
wanted to help my kids because also Spencer, at this time, he
10:00
was 5 and he was going through a really tough mental health time
10:07
to the point where I had a 5 year old who was self harming at
10:11
home and at school saying he didn't want to be here anymore.
10:14
And at school had said that they just thought he was ADHD.
10:17
And in my mind, I was like, OK, well, I don't know nothing about
10:20
ADHD. So it was kind of like threw
10:23
myself into that almost like felt like felt like I had to
10:26
become a professional to be able to help him because there was no
10:29
help available. Like it was, here's a leaf, we
10:32
think he's ADHD, autistic, here you go.
10:35
But no, kind of like no one kind of knew how to deal with him.
10:40
So I felt like I almost had to become the professional to be
10:44
able to help my own children, which is absolute madness when
10:48
you think about it like that. But and then that's obviously
10:52
now I kind of use what I've learned to help other parents
10:55
because I don't want other parents to feel like that.
10:59
Yeah, and I'm very much in awe of, of, of you and, and other
11:02
parents that, you know, go through this experience and kind
11:06
of have this drive to, to learn more and to become experts in
11:12
their children, which, you know, you're you, you never become a
11:14
full expert, but but it's amazing to see.
11:19
So you mentioned that you don't. It was quite hard going through
11:23
the assessments and remembering things from your childhood, but
11:29
is there any example of an early sign that you might have missed
11:32
throughout the years when you when you were a child and did
11:35
you wish you were you had been assessed and diagnosed earlier?
11:40
So when I was younger they thought I was dyslexic and I did
11:46
this. I remember going and doing this
11:47
test for dyslexia and I think even still back like then when I
11:51
was younger, it was dyslexia still wasn't as as well known.
11:54
I think still misunderstood now, but I passed the test.
12:00
So they were like, that's something, but it's not
12:03
dyslexia. And that was the end of that.
12:05
And like, I don't blame my parents at all because you know,
12:08
they're great and they obviously didn't, they didn't know either.
12:10
Like of course, like if the world didn't know how well they
12:13
expected to know. And I was kind of one of those
12:16
like very much like my eldest. Like I was quiet.
12:19
I did as I was told. I just got on with it.
12:21
I nodded along and everyone thought I knew what I was doing
12:24
1/2 time. I was just like making apples
12:27
that go along or like, you know, the constant like thinking of
12:32
like when you have to ask someone to repeat something
12:35
again and again and your brain just cannot process what they're
12:38
saying. That's a lot of what I see.
12:40
And that's a lot of what I try to advocate now for my 13 year
12:44
old because he's getting all these, you know, he's in his
12:48
second year of secondary school now.
12:50
And it's been a really big transition.
12:52
And socially he's really struggled.
12:54
And it's lucky that he has now found like quite a good few
12:57
friends. But he's not like the typical
12:59
likes to play football, likes to, you know, do this.
13:02
He likes anime and Dragon Ball Z.
13:06
And it's like quite niche. So he's lucky he has found
13:09
friends who don't necessarily have those interests, but he
13:12
still does have things in common with.
13:13
And he has found a really great friend now who does also have
13:16
those interests, which I absolutely love for him.
13:18
But he's the kid who gets an e-mail back and says Nathaniel
13:22
is doing so well in food tech and I'm really impressed with
13:26
him. And we have he has food tech
13:29
practical on a Tuesday and from Saturday night, he has got mad
13:32
anxiety, like to the point where he's almost feeling like he's
13:36
going to physically puke because he struggles so much with food
13:39
tech. But I'm getting an e-mail back
13:41
saying how amazing he's doing. So I know and I made I made a
13:46
point of saying I thank you so much for this e-mail, but this
13:51
is this is not how it comes across from at home.
13:54
And I don't know how he presents at school, but this is what he's
13:57
struggling with. And I think obviously secondary
14:00
school in particular, it's really hard because you've got a
14:03
teacher for every different subject.
14:05
And of course they're not, they've got so many students,
14:08
they're not going to have time to know each child's individual
14:11
needs. But he is on the SEND register
14:13
and that should be taken into account.
14:16
And I just think if I can just put a little, you know, note
14:21
into their brain that says actually, he might look OK on
14:25
the outside, but he's masking and underneath he's struggling.
14:29
Whereas obviously I didn't have that knowledge or my parents
14:33
didn't have that knowledge back when I was at school, like I
14:36
didn't. So when I got to A levels, they
14:41
predicted what I was going to get on my A levels in my Year 6
14:45
Sats. So I was now like 16, almost 17,
14:50
and they were predicting what I was going to get for A levels on
14:54
what I did in year 6, which is what, 910.
14:58
And I then was predicted DDE because I really struggled with
15:04
Sats and I didn't have like proper support in place or
15:07
knowledge. And that was so disheartening.
15:11
And I remember like leaving that initial kind of meeting with my
15:15
mum, just feeling like brilliant, like I've done all
15:18
right on my DCSDS, I've done pretty good.
15:22
But yeah, it just was so disheartening.
15:24
And I did go on to to finish my A levels and I got a star BC.
15:30
So I did so much better than I ever did.
15:33
And I'm obviously, I think with A levels as well, because you've
15:37
like gone down. So you actually are focusing on
15:40
your special interests. And when it's something you're
15:42
actually interested in, you actually understand more, you
15:44
work harder. And so I did so much more, so
15:48
much better than I thought. And I was so much more capable
15:51
of than I was when I was in year 6 because of, I mean, I guess a
15:55
bit understanding more how I work and stuff.
16:00
So, yeah, so it's, it's a, it's a, it's really interesting
16:03
looking back and noticing things and I definitely wish I'd been
16:06
diagnosed sooner. And I think going, you know,
16:10
away from school and to more the mental health side, I've
16:14
struggled with my mental health and, you know, as we're
16:16
recording it, it's well, mental health day.
16:17
So it's really fitting. I as a parent carer, my mental
16:22
health has probably been at its worst because of not the
16:26
challenges. You know, I love my children to
16:28
to the end of the earth, but the challenges that you are faced
16:32
when you have a child who isn't developing as then you're a
16:37
typical peers and the struggles you face that are just, you
16:43
know, you would never have imagined going through as a
16:45
parent left me with like severe, severely badly mental health.
16:52
And it took me 7 attempts to pick up the phone or like stay
16:56
on the phone to make an appointment with the doctor
16:59
because you know, when you have to wait for like your 10th in
17:01
the queue or whatever, I just end up putting the phone down
17:03
and like just not dealing with it.
17:05
So on the seventh attempt, I stayed on the phone.
17:07
I booked a call. No, I booked a face to face
17:11
appointment. I went to that appointment and
17:14
they said to me I even need to take medication or self refer
17:19
myself on the phone to talking therapies or whatever it's
17:24
called. I can't remember now.
17:26
And I remember I remember feeling leaving just thinking,
17:31
oh, and that's definitely part of my neurodivergence is I hate
17:34
speaking on the phone. Like I could do this easy like
17:37
me and you like chatting over a video call or doing I can do a
17:43
video and Tik Toks and lives. But trying to speak to someone
17:47
on the phone, it absolutely just sets.
17:49
Yeah, just can't just struggle struggles on the struggle bus.
17:54
So I managed to find a hack and you could actually put a
17:56
referral through online for them to call you, which I found
18:00
easier than picking up the phone.
18:04
And so after spilling my guts of like how I was struggling and we
18:07
were going for a really hard time with sleep with, with our
18:09
twins. They'd, we'd gone from like them
18:14
struggling to go to sleep to finally having melatonin and
18:18
then then waking up early. And now when I say early, I
18:22
don't mean like 5 o'clock 4:00. I mean 2:00 AM, one AM.
18:26
Sometimes I'd, my head would literally hit the pillow at
18:29
11:00 and they'd be up and that was it.
18:32
They'd be up from 11 till 7 the next night.
18:34
And they wouldn't just sit and watch a movie.
18:37
They would be bouncing off the walls, pulling out every single
18:42
toy, destroying the house, destroying each other.
18:45
And that really took the massive effect on my mental health.
18:49
And when I was explaining this, the lady was like, OK, I'm going
18:53
to have to go talk to my manager and get back to you.
18:55
And when she eventually did call me back, she basically said to
19:00
me my low moods and anxieties were normal due to the
19:03
circumstance that I was in. So because of my parent Cara,
19:08
because I have children who have challenges and struggles, I
19:12
didn't just to me, they were saying I didn't deserve the
19:15
help. And when you're already down,
19:18
that's like a massive kick in the teeth, kick to the stomach.
19:22
And I just literally hung up on how I didn't even finish the
19:27
conversation and I just cried and cried.
19:29
And the next day I probably had the worst breakdown I've I've
19:33
ever had. I scared myself, I scared my
19:36
husband and I just thought no one's coming to help me.
19:40
And I'm really lucky. I've got such a great support
19:43
network. But even with that help, I was
19:47
still struggling. And I just, that was the moment
19:52
for me that just thought no one else is coming to help me.
19:54
And you know, it is, I mean, it's taken a long time to get to
19:58
where I am. And I'm still not perfect.
20:01
Definitely not. But yeah, it's been one of those
20:06
journeys where I've, I've, I've had to be, like I said before,
20:09
I've had to learn to be the professional to help myself.
20:11
And that should not be the case. But that's why I'm really
20:14
passionate now about trying to help other families who are in
20:18
our or were in are in our situation that we were in.
20:22
Yeah, I'm very sorry to hear that you went through all of
20:25
that. But yeah, and it's it's good to
20:28
see that you managed to pick yourself up by yourself with
20:33
your support network, sadly not with with the professional help.
20:39
And yeah, thank you for sharing all of that because that's quite
20:42
personal. So I really, I really appreciate
20:44
it. So raising 5 neuro divergent
20:48
children is yeah, it's full house.
20:53
Can you share what a typical day in in in the house looks like?
20:59
So I tend, I try an escape from my 2 year old in the morning so
21:06
that I can go and wake up my, my, my eldest Nathaniel, because
21:14
he struggles really getting up early and getting ready and he
21:18
needs a lot of time and he's quite needs a slower warning.
21:23
So if I can wriggle away from her on my own, I'll go
21:26
downstairs and I'll sort the animals out and I'll try and
21:30
gently wake up Nathaniel. And then I'll make us some
21:35
yoghurt, Greek yoghurt, get that protein in really good first
21:39
thing in the morning, helps your brain some yoghurt and honey and
21:43
raspberries. And we have a little bit of
21:44
like, what's it called? Like granola type of thing.
21:49
So we start our day and we kind of like have a a little kind of
21:55
TV show that we watch. So we're currently re watching
21:57
Parks and Rec together and just have hopefully half an hour
22:02
without little feet coming down the stairs.
22:06
And then I'll wake. Oh, I'm not awake.
22:08
They're probably normally awake already, but get up the twins,
22:13
and then I'll do their breakfasts and Spencer will come
22:18
downstairs, and if Mila's not that already, she will too.
22:21
And then it's like, all you know, It's crazy.
22:23
The mornings are crazy, trying to get everyone's breakfast,
22:26
everyone's lunch, boxes and bags ready and ready for school.
22:31
Sometimes I only have to support the twins and getting changed
22:35
because they are they are physically capable now, but
22:38
sometimes I think they just need that little extra help.
22:41
Otherwise they will just walk around the house naked and
22:44
that's not great when you've got a bus coming at 8:10.
22:48
So yeah, we do sometimes have big meltdowns about showering as
22:52
well. With Luca, it can be quite a
22:54
hard transition. At the minute it's doing, we're
22:57
doing OK. We're not doing too badly in the
22:58
mornings and I'm trying to do a lot more in the evenings to
23:02
prepare for the next day because I just obviously have a lot on
23:07
my play. I'm lucky because my husband
23:09
works shift, so he's four and four off, so some days he will
23:12
be there helping and some days he's at work.
23:16
He leaves at six or sometimes he leaves before we're even up.
23:20
But yeah, Nathaniel leaves for the bus about 22, eight.
23:25
And then the twins get the bus at 20 at 8:10.
23:28
And then I have to get Mila and Spencer, Spencer school, Mila
23:32
sometimes as preschool or childminder for about 8:45.
23:37
And then depending what day it is, if Mila's not with me, then
23:40
I will do work for the day and I try and go swimming.
23:46
So I have a little bit of me time.
23:48
So that's something that I've been really trying to prioritise
23:50
because I love swimming, I love being in the water.
23:53
So that's something I've been trying to prioritise since
23:55
September. And then after school is a
24:00
pickup and a very swiftly coming home because the bus gets back.
24:05
Like our mainstream school for Spencer decided to push their
24:10
their timings up by 15 minutes, so they now finish 15 minutes
24:14
later. So which means it's very tight
24:16
getting home for the bus for the twins.
24:19
But we mostly just make it or they just meet them as they're
24:23
there and then we just kind of chill after school as much as we
24:28
can. I just let them decompress and
24:31
do whatever they want. Sometimes we'll play out the
24:33
front with friends and then we'll have dinner and then
24:38
bedtime again is like chaos. It's like I was called like
24:42
what's called like rush hour traffic in our house is like
24:46
getting ready for school and getting ready for bed.
24:49
So we do the whole bedtime routines and hopefully Mila's
24:53
not had much of a nap. Otherwise she's up till God
24:55
knows what hour. And then if I haven't eaten with
24:59
the kids, I'll eat with Jordan once he's home from work and
25:04
then just basically melt on the sofa pretty much most days.
25:07
But I'm trying like, I really struggled with doing like an
25:12
evening routine for me. And it actually took my house
25:17
almost, well, the idea of my house almost burning down to
25:21
actually shift my train pattern. Have you ever heard like, your
25:24
why must make you cry? I feel like with ADHD brains,
25:28
your your why has to actually make you feel like you're going
25:30
to die because otherwise you have no motivation to do it.
25:35
So yeah, I always used to put the dishwasher on at night time
25:38
and then I came down once in the morning and it was just like
25:42
making this, ah, noise. And basically the water had got
25:46
blocked and all night it had been making that noise.
25:48
So I was like, Oh my God, what if it started a fire?
25:52
We'd have all died in our sleep. And it literally was the
25:55
motivation I needed to start putting the dishwasher on
25:59
earlier, which meant then I had like was doing other jobs like
26:02
get the bags ready. And it made my morning so much
26:06
smoother. So I always ask myself this or I
26:09
try to remember to ask myself this question.
26:11
What would future Anna, thank you for.
26:14
So I try and be in that moment and think I will feel so much
26:18
better if I have done the bags and because I can't control how
26:24
my children are going to be emotionally in the morning.
26:26
And you know, we could have those challenges.
26:28
But if I've taken a few jobs away from my load, my stress
26:32
levels are going to be further down and I'm going to have more
26:35
capacity to be patient with them and be that safe space they
26:39
need. And and doing that in the
26:43
evening definitely makes it easier on our morning routine.
26:48
Yeah, it sounds very, very busy, but it's lovely to see the way
26:53
you speak about it with so much joy and enthusiasm as well.
26:57
And I think that's that's very, very lovely and very proving how
27:01
how much you love your children. So.
27:04
Yeah. So what have been some of the
27:07
biggest challenges enjoys so one side and the other of of
27:13
parenting and neurodivergent family?
27:16
So sleep has probably been the biggest challenge we faced and I
27:22
was talking a bit about that earlier.
27:23
So when the twins were first diagnosed, they were still in
27:27
cots. They were 3 1/2, which seems
27:30
really big, but they were safe in there and they couldn't hurt
27:34
each other or themselves or get into any trouble.
27:37
So I kept them in there as long as possible.
27:39
And then when they started realizing they could, well, Jude
27:42
realized he could climb out, so he had to go into a bed.
27:45
But then he was like, free in the room, like running around.
27:49
And then I realized that Luca was then pulling the slats out
27:54
of his car and then throwing them at Jude so he had to then
27:58
come out of the cot as well, which meant they were literally
28:03
like trying to kill each other pretty much.
28:06
It was like these two tiny little toddlers, honestly, like
28:10
fighting. And it was absolutely crazy.
28:13
And we tried everything, you know, like when people say, oh,
28:16
we tried this, we tried that, we tried everything.
28:18
We tried like lavender sleep pillows, sprays and and creams
28:23
and sensory lights and the bedtime, the the bedtime story
28:27
that's supposed to set everyone to sleep, but I can't remember
28:30
what it was called now. But yeah, we tried everything
28:33
and it was just meaning like at that point I was trying to work
28:36
in the evenings because I had them all daytime.
28:38
I wasn't getting any work done and wasn't having time to do
28:42
anything with Nathaniel. So quality time, no quality time
28:45
with him, bless him. And no like not being able to
28:49
help him read or homework and stuff.
28:51
And it was literally, I was sat on the top of the stairs trying
28:55
to keep them in their bedroom and keep alive as well.
28:58
So we, I, I kind of felt bad about the idea of melatonin.
29:03
And I had this conversation recently with a friend who's
29:05
just got it for her son. And I kind of, I'm, I'm not a
29:09
big like, like I don't, I try not to use medication as little
29:13
as possible. And I was like, really like, I
29:18
just felt bad. I felt guilty.
29:19
I felt, you know, shame, you know, my children don't.
29:22
But melatonin is a natural thing that we create, and it's just
29:26
something that they just don't create in their bodies.
29:29
So I was like, OK, let's try it. And I remember the first time
29:33
they took it, it was like, wow. Like I sat in between them, read
29:38
a story. They sat in their beds and fell
29:41
asleep before I'd finished the story.
29:43
It was like. Magic.
29:46
And then the horror show started because instead of all those
29:50
behaviours they were doing in the evening, they were then
29:54
doing them in the middle of the night.
29:56
Like I was saying earlier, like literally.
29:59
And it wasn't just like once a week, it would be like 3-4 times
30:05
a week. They were literally up anywhere
30:07
from 4:00 AM till to 11:00 PM. So it just took its toll.
30:13
And one night I we had a stair gate on their door but they
30:18
still managed to climb it. One night.
30:20
I obviously was so sleep deprived that I slept through
30:24
them. Normally I was like on the edge,
30:26
like soon as I heard noise, I was like like waking up in a
30:29
sweat. But I obviously didn't hear
30:32
them. And they managed to make their
30:34
way downstairs and I came down obviously I don't know how long
30:39
later. So obviously it was it was they
30:41
were, they were a danger to themselves.
30:44
I came down and they had pulled out every single toy box, every
30:48
single book, every single DVD on our shelves and you couldn't see
30:53
the floor. It was like a sea and I
30:56
literally like, I just remember just being like just crying and
31:00
just being like, Oh my God. So yeah, we explored every
31:04
option possible. We managed to get an
31:07
occupational therapist. Luca actually started a fire,
31:11
which helped us a little bit in a way.
31:14
Not in the night time. We were actually awake.
31:16
He was just, he was in the kitchen and and he turned the
31:20
hob on. So I always turned the, the
31:22
cooker off at the switch. Now that's never, that's never
31:25
allowed on. But yes, we had an occupation
31:29
therapist and they tried to, you know, think of different ways
31:32
that the council wouldn't separate the room because of how
31:35
the layout was. They wouldn't build on the side,
31:38
even though there's a disability facility grant and and that is
31:42
an option, but they wouldn't do it.
31:44
And there were no other houses that we could, we could have to
31:47
separate them. And the last option was to have
31:51
the safe space beds. And now if you don't know what
31:54
safe space bed are, definitely go and look them up because they
31:56
are incredible. And there are other companies
31:58
who do them as well. But they, they're the one that
32:00
we, we use. And we were like the, we're the,
32:03
I think we were the first and if we're the only anymore, but
32:05
we're the first people in the UK to have two beds in one room.
32:09
And they have been a lifesaver. So they're basically like
32:13
really, I don't know how to describe them.
32:16
They're really sturdy, built big like tents, I guess you could
32:22
call them, but they're like rectangle and you can zip them
32:26
up and they are in there, They're safe.
32:28
They can't get out and hurt themselves or anyone else.
32:33
And that pretty much changed our life.
32:36
And we're really lucky that we got them in February 2020.
32:39
So obviously the next month we went into lockdown.
32:43
So lockdown, the beginning of lockdown was actually quite nice
32:46
for us because we were getting Steve.
32:48
So it didn't seem as bad. Because if it if it had been the
32:51
opposite and we hadn't got the beds, I think I'd have probably
32:55
ended up in a mental institution in lockdown.
32:59
But luckily we did. And yeah, that has been a
33:02
massive game changer. They still had spells where they
33:07
would wake up in the morning quite early, but because they're
33:11
safe, I would get them out, sort them out, give them to get them
33:16
to the toilet and stuff and or change a nappy at that time and
33:20
then put them back in with their tablet.
33:23
And then I could actually have a few more hours sleep.
33:25
So yeah, it really changed our lives.
33:28
So that was a massive issue that actually was resolved and we
33:35
still have the benefits to this day.
33:37
I don't know how much longer they'll last now they're getting
33:39
older, but we'll that'll be another challenge when we come
33:41
to it. The joys, there are so many.
33:46
I think especially when you have children who are like Jude and
33:51
Nuka and mentally they're a lot younger for their age, you get
33:55
the good bits of being younger as well.
34:00
So like how magical Christmas is.
34:03
I know obviously a lot of neurodivision families struggle
34:06
with Christmas, but for us, like they are, they love Christmas
34:10
and they love that kind of like magicalness and we do it in our
34:15
own way. We don't necessarily go out to
34:16
big like events and stuff anymore because they find that
34:19
quite overwhelming, but just the joy that they see in kind of
34:23
that time of year is definitely one of my favorite things.
34:27
And just, and just generally like I, I love the fact that we
34:30
all love watching Disney movies still.
34:32
And you know, I'm a big Disney lover and we're actually
34:35
planning to go to Disney next year, which I'm really excited,
34:38
a little anxious, a little anxious.
34:39
It's going to take a lot of planning, but Luca especially so
34:44
who's he's minimally speaking and probably the mental age of a
34:48
three-year old, but he still loves Toy Story.
34:50
He's like my little Woody. He goes to the riding for the
34:53
disabled and he just, it's like he's a real life sheriff.
34:58
I think that's what he think since mine is Woody.
35:02
So seeing that, yeah, the the little winds that's for some
35:07
families maybe don't exist or they kind of like disappear as
35:11
they get older. I love that we kind of get to
35:14
keep hold of that. Like magic.
35:17
Childhood magic. Yeah, for for longer and small
35:22
wins mean the world to us. And that's that's very important
35:26
to to say. Yeah, we are these new fans here
35:29
at home as well. Melody just just loves.
35:33
It's like, I can't say a specific movie at the moment
35:37
because, well, she's actually on Wicked and the Wizard of Oz.
35:42
Nice. So not Disney, but yeah she she
35:46
likes everything inside out being one of one of her.
35:49
Oh yeah. I'm pretty sure that she she
35:52
doesn't understand much about emotions yet, but you know, at
35:56
least she has the foundation. And when we finally have the
35:59
opportunity to have the conversation then yeah, at least
36:04
she will she will have a bit of of an understanding there.
36:06
Yeah. OK.
36:08
So they are all difference. How do you feel like they
36:14
inspire one another through their neuro divergent journey?
36:24
That's a really hard question. I mean to have a think.
36:27
Maybe. How do they complement each
36:29
other If if if that's the case? Because it might not be the
36:33
case. So well, I think it goes through
36:39
periods of time as well, like as like Nathan and Spencer grow up
36:45
and are obviously, I still think in some areas they have like
36:50
that 30% delay that ADHD is due, probably like in emotional
36:54
intelligence more than anything. But at one point in time, Jude,
36:59
who is of like 5 years older than Spencer, they were really
37:04
quite friendly and played because they were obviously
37:07
mentally the same age and really kind of like had a lot of
37:13
interest together. So they spent a lot of time.
37:14
So it's, it was really lovely to kind of like see that period of
37:17
time where they kind of like interacted.
37:20
And this is coming from, you know, like Jude Nuke always
37:22
described as being in their own world.
37:25
So if you have a child and you're listening and that and
37:27
that's you like there is hope that they do, you know, interact
37:31
and that he does spend a lot of time on his own dude kind of
37:35
doing he likes to make videos and stuff, but it's nice to see
37:40
them kind of like interact with each other.
37:43
I think it makes, the more I want to say it makes the more
37:49
aware of other people around them.
37:53
Like I think once Spencer came home and was like, oh, talking
37:56
about this child, I think I think they're a bit like Jude
37:58
and Nuka. So he like kind of had that
38:02
understanding. But I think it's also really
38:05
tough being the young carers because at the minute the twins
38:10
are hitting what I think is probably like puberty, almost
38:14
12. And Jude in particular is
38:17
becoming very cheeky and he is constantly like repeating lines
38:22
from like different videos he's watched, which are like pranks
38:27
or like, you know, jokes and stuff.
38:30
And Paul Spencer, like, ends up getting the kind of like the,
38:34
the rough deal of it because he ends up being like the butt of
38:37
the jokes and it gets him really angry then.
38:40
So I had to sit down and like, and, and have a chat with him
38:42
and just like try and explain to him because I said, you know,
38:45
it's not an excuse. I don't excuse this behaviour,
38:49
but it is a reason for why it's happening.
38:51
And obviously I then do tell Jude that you're not, you can't
38:55
say that it's mean. And try and explain to him on a
38:58
understanding of, of what our level of what he understands at
39:01
his mental capacity. Because yeah, they, they were
39:06
really good friends at one time. And now it's kind of like
39:10
Spencer's almost like going over his age mentally where but
39:16
physically Jude is like, it's yeah, it's so it's so strange.
39:21
But I think it gives them a better understanding.
39:25
And I know with Nathaniel, he's I try and speak very openly to
39:31
him about how he's autistic ADHD and as am I.
39:35
And kind of like, because we're so similar, I think I, I
39:40
explained to him very openly, like, this is this thing you're
39:43
struggling with and This is why. And this is, you know, what we
39:46
can do to help. But maybe to the point where
39:49
he's now coming round and being having conversations with his
39:53
peers at school, being like, oh, yeah, we're like this, aren't
39:56
we? Because we're both autistic.
39:58
And I was like you, You can't go around diagnosing people,
40:01
darling, like. I know we have these open
40:04
conversations and there's absolutely nothing wrong with
40:06
being autistic or ADHD, but that's a big bombshell to hit
40:10
someone if they don't haven't realized themselves.
40:13
So, you know, let's maybe just bring it down, bring it down a
40:18
little bit. Yeah.
40:20
So that just literally made me laugh so much.
40:22
But I love that he has this awareness and we can have these
40:27
open conversations and I would love to have been able to
40:29
understand myself at that level at their ages.
40:34
Yeah, yeah. But that's, that's, that's,
40:37
that's quite cute. And I really love the fact that
40:40
they, they are aware of in, in their own way, you know, even if
40:45
they are not there emotionally, there's, there's that awareness
40:49
and, you know, there's acceptance of, of each other,
40:53
which is great. OK, so now moving on to your
40:56
coaching and advocacy work. You're a certified ADHD coach.
41:01
That happened recently from what I remember.
41:03
So what led you? I think you you, you explained
41:06
what led you to to this path, but how was coaching impacts
41:11
impacted your your own life and and the family?
41:15
Yeah, coaching is definitely helped me, and I think a lot of
41:20
the thing with my ADHD is that it's the accountability that I
41:25
need. It's like I have all these
41:27
ideas, I have all these things that I want to put in place, but
41:32
it's making sure they're executed.
41:36
And I think that's a big thing. Whether it's whether I'm working
41:40
with a parent or like within the family kind of aspect or a
41:46
parent who is trying to, you know, set up their own business
41:50
or do work. I think it's really important
41:54
that they kind of have like being that person who can go
41:58
like, right, hold on a second, you're going 1,000,000 miles an
42:02
hour. Let's just take it back a step
42:04
and breakdown what it is you've told me and what it actually is
42:08
that you want to work towards. Because I don't know about you,
42:13
but I had never when I was diagnosed IA lot of people talk
42:18
about this kind of grieving process you go through of like
42:21
kind of like the life you would have had if you had known.
42:25
And although I'm really aware of it, I never kind of felt sad
42:29
about it because it, you know, although it impacted me, it
42:33
wasn't like a massive impact. And then I was doing some
42:37
decluttering because that's another thing with ADHD.
42:40
I'm a bit of a hoarder. And I was going through like my
42:45
under the stairs cupboard and I had boxes and boxes and boxes of
42:49
notebooks. And within these notebooks were
42:53
a few pages of amazing brilliant ideas from different stages of
42:58
my life. From like 7 year olds writing
43:02
poems or like 10 year, like 12 year olds writing movies or 21
43:08
year olds writing, you know, business plans to never having
43:13
executed any of those ideas. And that made me sad.
43:17
That really made me sad because if I had known about my ADHD and
43:21
how my brain worked back then, I might have, you know, there
43:26
might be $1,000,000 idea in there.
43:28
And that's what I think is really sad is that you we have,
43:33
we are so creative and we have so many ideas, but it's being
43:38
able to see it through to the end in a way that we're not
43:42
going to burn out as well. Because I've also done that,
43:46
sent it through to the end, but burn out and then never come
43:48
back to it because I'm traumatized by all the work I
43:52
did. So I think coaching has helped
43:56
me in that that aspect as being coached myself and then being
44:01
able to put that into practice with clients I have.
44:05
Yeah, and I, I absolutely relate with with that.
44:09
I don't know about the the grief side of things because I'm still
44:13
waiting for my assessments. So I'll let you know hopefully
44:16
in a few months. But yeah, I'm the same.
44:19
I don't have those in here. They are somewhere in Portugal
44:22
in my dad's, one of my dad's garages.
44:26
But yeah, I even wrote the book once when I was 16 or 17.
44:31
Like I probably had a massive crush on a boy or something.
44:34
And then that inspired me to to write a book with Ben.
44:38
I love that. So, yeah, our brains are, they
44:41
are very busy, but they, they can be amazing as well.
44:44
And it's great that we can put at least some of that into, into
44:50
practice if yeah, if we know how to do it, you know, with some
44:54
guidance from from coaching. And for those parents who are at
45:00
the beginning of of their journeys, what advice would you
45:04
give to them? So I've created a free PDF
45:10
called the Parent Care Road Map and it is literally got
45:12
everything I wish I had known back when I had discovered the
45:18
twins were kind of on a different journey.
45:20
Because when we would kind of going through this process, no
45:23
one ever said they could be autistic.
45:27
It was just a bit of a living in limbo.
45:29
Something's different, something's wrong, they said at
45:32
the time. Obviously, I know it's not
45:34
wrong, it's just different, but that's what how it came across.
45:40
So I would definitely say if we can link it somewhere, download
45:44
that because that would be so helpful.
45:47
And it might be really overwhelming to a parent who's
45:49
just like just started this journey, but it's definitely
45:52
something you can dip in and out of because it's really confusing
45:56
when you're kind of put into this world and it's no that I
46:00
feel like no one kind of you probably get given a load of
46:05
leaf. What you do, you get given a
46:06
little leaflets, don't you? And you probably get put on a
46:08
workshop that's taught from some kind of textbook and maybe the
46:12
person is about 12 and doesn't even have any kids, let alone
46:15
children who are like yours. And I think coming from from the
46:20
experience, like I've had a lot of help not forth told to me
46:28
that was available, which I really could have done with a
46:32
long time ago. And I'm still learning things
46:35
now and like going back to the global development delay thing
46:39
last year when we were having team around the family meetings,
46:43
CAF meetings, we were asked, are you getting direct payments?
46:48
And I was like, what's that? I don't know what that is.
46:52
And they were like, oh, it's have funding for the the twins
46:56
so they can go out with personal assistance and you can have some
47:00
respite. And we could have been having
47:02
this for years and years. They're 11.
47:04
And they were like, oh, but first you need to have your
47:08
global development delay a diagnosis changed to a learn
47:12
disability to diagnosis. I was like, what?
47:15
And then when I did research on the NHS website, it's literally
47:21
says like after five years old, it's not considered global
47:23
development delay. It's considered a learn
47:25
disability, and it's been a big passion that I've talked about a
47:29
lot online. And I've heard from a lot of
47:31
families who don't know this, but also a lot of families who
47:37
are going from their child being under Pediatrics or under CAMS.
47:43
So they're moving into adulthood without this diagnosis and being
47:47
hit by big barriers of not being able to get access to the help
47:51
they deserved. Even though everyone can see
47:54
this child how or this young adult has a learning disability,
47:58
but no one can give the diagnosis because he's an adult
48:00
now. And I just think it's, it's,
48:03
it's actually, I'm trying to think of the right word to use.
48:08
It's just cruel. It's cruel because the family,
48:13
you know, we, if you don't know, you don't know, you'd think that
48:17
these pet, these professionals would be the ones to inform the
48:21
parents. And sometimes I think like, do
48:22
these professionals even know? Do they even know what they're
48:26
doing? Sometimes it just seems all very
48:29
confusing and a very odd system. So yes, if you have a child,
48:37
please, I urge you, there are lots of different routes.
48:39
It depends where you are and who you're under.
48:41
But I would first point of call is to go back to whoever
48:46
diagnosed your child. If you are discharged from them,
48:49
then you're probably unfortunately going to have to
48:51
go through CAMS. But there is a whole learning disability team
48:56
on CAMS who we're kind of under right now for the twins, but for
49:01
their having ADHD assessments and other things.
49:04
And yeah, please get the diagnosis before your child
49:07
turns 18. So, so important.
49:11
Yeah, it's, it's all a learning journey.
49:13
You know, it's, it's sad to see that there is lack of awareness
49:17
in, in many senses within professionals, but I think that
49:22
for them, it's also about learning and, and understanding
49:28
and being and, and being willing to join this, this journey with,
49:33
with us together. But yeah, I will put the link to
49:37
the the parents road map on the episode's release so that people
49:42
can, can have access to it in terms of.
49:45
So we started talking about systems like the, the healthcare
49:48
system. Now moving on to the education
49:52
system and and the wider society, what do you wish was
49:57
better understood about neurodivergent families?
50:02
I mean, I think obviously there's a lot going on with
50:05
schools, isn't there? And so many certain families are
50:08
being, are being failed. I, I think it needs to go back
50:14
like way back to, you know, not the individual school, not the
50:17
individual teacher, but I need to go back to how teachers are
50:20
trained. Like they don't just need a half
50:24
a day on send. They, they need if, if there
50:27
aren't going to be enough special needs schools, then
50:30
mainstream schools and mainstream teachers need to have
50:33
the appropriate teaching of, of how to deal with how to help our
50:40
children thrive and not just survive.
50:43
You know, because there are, there are children who are
50:46
struggling to get into school. There are children who are
50:49
struggling in school that don't look like they're struggling in
50:52
school, but they are. And it just doesn't need to be
50:55
like that. I mean, I think the whole
50:57
education system needs a look over anyway, but I just wish
51:01
that there would be. I think if autism and ADHD
51:07
strategies were put in place for the whole class, I think most
51:12
students would actually benefit. Having a few more movement
51:15
breaks might just seem like a big disruption, but would it
51:19
actually help most children? Potentially, yeah.
51:25
I just think there needs to be more reasonable adjustments and
51:29
more honesty as well within the schools.
51:31
Like we're having this conversation at a coffee meeting
51:36
at the other day at our school with the new Senko.
51:39
Like just saying what actually is available?
51:42
What actually are you able to do?
51:45
Because we understand the funding isn't there.
51:47
So what are the actual reason of adjustments that we can actually
51:50
put in place? And in Oxfordshire we have an
51:54
ordinarily available provision plan, but I don't even know if
51:59
most schools know this is a thing, let alone follow it.
52:04
So that's a really important thing that that parents can have
52:07
access to. It should just be on the counter
52:10
council website and I think most counties have it as well.
52:14
So if you're not in Oxfordshire, it's something to look into the
52:18
ordinarily available provision and go to your school and say,
52:23
is there something that is available that you're following?
52:27
Because schools don't have to. It is more of a guidance than a
52:30
kind of you have to follow this. But it's a good place for
52:34
parents to understand what could be available for their children
52:39
and advocate for them. And also I wish the parent that
52:43
parents would just be respected and heard and instead of just
52:48
being like, well, they're fine in school.
52:51
Understood a bit more like I with Nathan, obviously he does
52:55
mask a lot, but with Spencer, he does show his struggles in
52:59
school. So we don't have that fight, but
53:01
I know so many parents who do. And you know, I stand with all
53:05
of us parent carers that, you know, not just might not be our
53:09
experience, but it just send generally needs.
53:15
We just need to be respected and and understood where we are the
53:19
the experts in our children. At the end of the day, we see
53:22
them and just to be to be believed.
53:29
Just to be believed that with what we're telling is truth
53:32
rather than questioned. Absolutely, absolutely.
53:37
But have you seen any positive changes in recent years?
53:43
I definitely think there have been positive changes like
53:47
allowing like fidgets in school, understanding that they, you
53:52
know, they're not a toy and they are an aid to help
53:54
concentration. I definitely think schools are
53:58
trying to understand. We have the mental health
54:04
support team in school now. So we have had sessions with
54:08
them, which has been beneficial definitely.
54:15
But I think again with that, it's like there is no follow up,
54:20
there is no accountability. It's we've had these eight weeks
54:24
together which has been really helpful and now you just have to
54:27
go and remember everything you've learned from a very small
54:32
amount of time that you've had each week and implement it
54:35
forever. So that's I think that is a
54:39
tough thing and I know obviously don't have capacity to to do
54:43
accountabilities or follow up. But I think that's them where it
54:46
comes on people like, like working with families like me to
54:52
be able to have have that accountability and that support
54:57
on a ground level that is probably more important and the
55:02
consistency that we need. Yeah, definitely.
55:08
And many of us are judged or misunderstood and there's plenty
55:13
of misconceptions around neuro divergent.
55:16
So how do you handle this kind of situations?
55:22
Yeah, I think it's really tough. And especially when it comes
55:26
from family, which, you know, people who are close to you, who
55:31
don't, who don't get it. I think that's where you almost
55:37
need to have really good boundaries of.
55:40
This is how it works in our family.
55:43
Like, we do things differently. Like we don't all sit at the
55:46
dinner table for tea. That's not by choice.
55:50
If I could have all my kids around the dinner table, I would
55:54
absolutely love that. Like, But over the years, it's
55:57
just become something that doesn't work.
56:00
And why have a war at dinner time when we can all actually
56:05
eat peacefully if like the twins have tables in their rooms now
56:12
and I, I sit at the table as much as I can with the other
56:15
three. But it's like little things like
56:16
that, like understanding that your family works differently.
56:22
It's almost like you have to throw out the parenting books,
56:27
forget about what other people are doing, and you just have to
56:30
do what works for your family because you're always going to
56:34
be judged because they aren't walking in your shoes.
56:38
And you know, I've had it a lot when we've been out and about
56:42
and we've had stairs and when there's meltdowns going on.
56:46
And it used to really affect me and I used to get so anxious
56:50
about it and upset. And, and I think also when
56:55
they're smaller and they're, they're toddlers, it's not,
56:59
it's, it was still really anxious for me, but almost like
57:04
maybe it was more accepting because they looked like they
57:08
were just having a tantrum until they're having a tantrum.
57:11
Whereas obviously we know it's not, it's a meltdown.
57:16
But now they are 12 and we're having these big explosive
57:21
emotions. It's yeah, it's really, it's
57:26
really tough. And we have some flower land
57:29
yards, but I never know how much people of the public who don't
57:33
have families like ours understand what that means.
57:37
But yeah, I think because they just look like these, you know,
57:42
12 year old kids. But actually they're not.
57:45
And I think with Lucas, sometimes it's almost easier
57:47
because he is so minimally speaking and he makes like
57:50
noises that, you know, make it sound like, oh, okay, there's,
57:54
you know, he's not like your typical 12 year old.
57:58
Whereas with Jude, because he speaks fully, he could say
58:01
things that are quite inappropriate.
58:05
And it's, yeah, it's like really difficult.
58:09
And he's like very much testing boundaries.
58:12
And it went from being cute, like walking up to a neighbor
58:15
being like, can you be my girlfriend to to saying, like
58:21
coming up with a bit more crude kind of jokes and stuff.
58:24
Like, no, you can't say that that's not acceptable.
58:27
And he used to wear like these massive big yellow ear
58:30
defenders, which I kind of felt like was like a warning sign of
58:33
like this child's like different.
58:36
But now he wears loops, so it's a bit more discreet.
58:40
So I feel like it's not as much of A warning sign.
58:42
And yeah, I just, I don't want it to be taken the wrong way,
58:45
person. But I I still think that people
58:51
need to understand, you know, that there there will be
58:56
children who are different. And yeah, so we continue our
59:01
mission of raising awareness and you know, even if there's no
59:05
physical signs or, you know, anything that points you
59:10
towards, it's just, yeah, just be aware that some behaviors are
59:15
are not intentional. I think that's, that's the key
59:18
message. So what are some of the small
59:22
wins or moments that keeping you that keep you going on tough
59:27
days? So at the moment I'm really
59:32
focused on getting Luca to communicate more.
59:36
And I thought really hard for him to have an AIC device like a
59:39
communication iPad a couple of years ago, but he was so
59:45
uninterested. It really demotivated me and I
59:48
really struggled to like understand it and how I should
59:52
be using it and stuff. But now he's moved into
59:55
secondary on the secondary site, the Tasmania have have been
59:59
really prompting him to use it and saying that he's using it.
1:00:02
I'm also using like a low tech board as well, which is
1:00:05
basically a piece of paper with symbols on it to kind of show
1:00:09
how he's feeling. And at school he became just
1:00:13
regulated and he managed to tell them for using the low tech
1:00:17
board and his AAC device that he was sad because of change.
1:00:22
And they'd move the tables round.
1:00:23
So they realized that that's why he was sad.
1:00:25
And I just that was like a massive win.
1:00:27
Like I was like, whoa, that was incredible.
1:00:30
And he got a little certificate for it.
1:00:31
But then that's really motivated me to be more like, OK, right,
1:00:36
let's really try and use us at home.
1:00:38
So like this weekend we were, I had the iPad out and he will
1:00:45
often come in and although he can say words sometimes are just
1:00:49
like, and look at me like as if I know what he's thinking.
1:00:53
So I'm like, right, let's get the iPad out.
1:00:56
And, and he was kind of just loiters like he doesn't have
1:01:00
like a really big special interest these days, which I
1:01:03
almost find really a bit more difficult because I don't know,
1:01:06
he doesn't really spend all his time doing one thing.
1:01:09
So I was like thinking of things we could do and I knew I had
1:01:12
some ingredients to do some, some cooking.
1:01:14
So I put on the iPad. Do you want to bake?
1:01:19
And then he was like, yes, like, but I was like then I encouraged
1:01:22
him to use his hand to say I want to bake and he ended up
1:01:27
saying I want bake. So I was like, yes, brilliant,
1:01:30
let's do it. And we modelled a couple more
1:01:33
kind of sentences with that throughout the weekend.
1:01:37
So that's like a big win in our house right now and that's
1:01:40
keeping me motivated that the school are really doing it as
1:01:45
well. It's really encouraged me to be
1:01:47
more proactive with it too. Yeah, that's fantastic.
1:01:52
Yeah, I know. I know the feeling.
1:01:53
I recently had something similar with with Melody.
1:01:57
I was in school waiting for a meeting or something, and I I
1:02:01
saw her writing her name. Yeah.
1:02:03
You know, it wasn't perfect, but yeah.
1:02:07
So it's these small little things that.
1:02:09
Little things. Make us very happy and and
1:02:13
motivated. And what's next for you, both
1:02:17
personally and professionally? So personally doing I've just
1:02:25
I'm trying to really make our home into a place that, you
1:02:29
know, we don't go out load weekends.
1:02:31
We have like a couple of safe parks that we go to with
1:02:34
friends, but we're coming into winter now, so we're going to
1:02:36
end up spending even more time at home.
1:02:39
So I just, I'm really focused on making our home somewhere fun
1:02:44
and regulating to be. And so, so yeah, that's kind of
1:02:48
like my big focus, like like investing in a few things.
1:02:53
Like we have a hot tub now, which is something to do on a
1:02:57
day where we're home. It's just like kind of breaks up
1:02:59
the day and they love being in water and just, yeah, really
1:03:04
making our home a safe, fun place to be.
1:03:07
You know, if we can't go out and do things, then we'll, we'll do
1:03:10
things at home that, that they love.
1:03:14
And then work wise, I'm currently running a free
1:03:18
challenge, but I know this will come out later.
1:03:21
So that won't apply to you. But just working more on helping
1:03:27
families to, to, to live more and life more harmony.
1:03:32
That's kind of like what I kind of work, want to work towards.
1:03:36
Like that's why I'm working towards with me.
1:03:37
Like when it comes to like work for me, home life for me,
1:03:42
socially, emotionally, just having more of a hold on things
1:03:47
so that it's more harmonious because I know that there's
1:03:50
never going to be no challenges, not especially with the lives we
1:03:53
live with, with our kids. But finding more harmony and,
1:03:58
and being more aware of what my triggers are and helping other
1:04:03
parents with their triggers and reducing their stress levels,
1:04:06
helping their emotional regulation to then go and, you
1:04:11
know, be the safe space that their children need them to be.
1:04:15
So that's kind of like the work that I'm doing at the minute.
1:04:19
So yeah, come. And if that's something that
1:04:21
resonates with you, if you're listening, then please come find
1:04:24
me. Yeah.
1:04:25
And again, I will link, I will Add all the links to your, to
1:04:31
your social media as well so that people can, can follow.
1:04:34
So that's great and very, very exciting.
1:04:37
And now moving on to the You section, who is your biggest
1:04:43
support on your journey, Anna? So my dad was always my biggest
1:04:48
support. Unfortunately he died three
1:04:51
years ago, so there's a bit of a hole in my life, but that's OK.
1:04:57
But I am very lucky to have an amazing husband.
1:05:00
I don't know what to do without him.
1:05:01
And my mum. My mum is incredible.
1:05:04
She's everyone loves Nanny. It's Nanny's a bit of an
1:05:07
obsession in our house, especially since my dad died.
1:05:10
Like, she's like filled the role of two grandparents, that's all.
1:05:15
So every Friday is Nanny's day. And if it's not, if she's away
1:05:18
on holiday, it's like all hell breaks loose.
1:05:21
She's, yeah, amazing. And I'm so lucky that I have,
1:05:25
I'm the oldest of, of four and I have two step brothers and
1:05:28
sisters, brother and sister as well.
1:05:30
So my kids have like all these cool aunties and uncles who are
1:05:34
like in their 20s and they get to, you know, do cool, fun
1:05:38
things with them. And I'm really, yeah, grateful
1:05:41
that and I have amazing friends that I have made.
1:05:45
I love. I'm part of Oaks PCF as a parent
1:05:48
Rep and it's great to have their support.
1:05:50
I volunteer with two friends in a community group called Send
1:05:55
Them Friends where we run family drop insurance on Thursdays
1:06:01
during term time. And then we do like events
1:06:03
during the holidays. So being able to have that kind
1:06:07
of like friends who know what you're going through, it is
1:06:12
really important. And to have those safe space for
1:06:15
your children to have fun and do things that like typical
1:06:18
families would do. But it's overwhelming for your
1:06:21
kids. But to have that opportunity
1:06:23
for, for our children too, in a way that works for them is, is
1:06:27
amazing. And yeah, I just, I have
1:06:29
incredible friends from from the past who just, they don't, and
1:06:33
they don't know what I'm going through, but they try their best
1:06:35
to understand and support me. So yeah, I am very lucky.
1:06:39
I have, I have like fingers and pies everywhere.
1:06:42
I feel like I just, yeah, I have a very, I'm very loved and I
1:06:47
feel that. Yeah, it's, it's a loving
1:06:52
village and it's great when it's that way because you constantly
1:06:56
feel supported. And you mentioned you love
1:07:00
swimming and you start swimming regularly since September.
1:07:06
Is there anything else you do to treat yourself as part of your
1:07:09
well-being? I've started having my hair done
1:07:14
regularly because ADHD me would never remember to book an
1:07:19
appointment. So now I tell my lovely
1:07:21
hairdresser that before we leave we have to book the next one.
1:07:25
And I've actually booked the next two appointments because
1:07:27
coming up to Christmas, right? So I was like, right, we need to
1:07:30
be really prepared. So I feel so proud of myself for
1:07:33
actually being this on top of my hair, which seems really weird
1:07:37
but I literally think I went last year.
1:07:39
I got it done in September and I didn't have it done again until
1:07:42
May. So yeah, so regularly doing that
1:07:46
and treating myself to having nice hair is definitely
1:07:50
something that I I love and it's just for me.
1:07:54
Yeah, it definitely makes you feel better.
1:07:57
I'm doing mine tomorrow actually, and I'm doing the same
1:08:00
before I leave. When I pay, I'm booking the next
1:08:03
one otherwise. Absolutely going to happen.
1:08:06
That's what I do with all my coaching clients as well.
1:08:08
It's like don't leave the coaching session until we've
1:08:10
booked the next appointment, otherwise we'll just both
1:08:12
forget. And who is your biggest
1:08:17
inspiration? Oh.
1:08:22
And you might have more than one.
1:08:24
I know this is a tricky question.
1:08:27
That is really tricky. I think my kids just keep me
1:08:31
inspired. Like I just love watching them
1:08:35
and their passions. And like, even though I don't, I
1:08:38
literally don't know nothing about anime and Dragon Ball Z,
1:08:41
but I will sit there and I will listen and I will, I will ask
1:08:45
questions I don't understand, but I'll ask questions and I'll
1:08:49
listen to them and yeah. And like Jude with making his
1:08:53
videos, like he is crazy good at editing and I've never taught
1:08:57
him anything. Can I know I'm pretty good at
1:08:59
editing, but he's amazing for an 11 year old.
1:09:02
And just I love seeing them a passion.
1:09:05
And yeah, they definitely inspire me to to be more
1:09:10
passionate about my passions and dive right in.
1:09:14
And Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift's always inspiring.
1:09:19
Melody will agree with you on that.
1:09:21
Although, yeah, the phase is gone, but there was a period of
1:09:25
time when we were falling asleep to all of the Taylor Swift
1:09:27
songs. I kind of learned them
1:09:30
naturally, but. Love it.
1:09:34
And I love your Taylor Swift cardigan, by the way.
1:09:38
I had to get it. I had to treat myself.
1:09:40
It was beautiful, yeah. And if you were a superhero or
1:09:46
had a superpower, who or what would that be?
1:09:49
And how would you use it to make the world a better place for neo
1:09:52
divergent people? So this is a question that my my
1:09:58
eldest asks me all the time, literally what what superpower
1:10:02
would you be? And I think I would like to be
1:10:05
super fast because then I feel like I could get so much done
1:10:09
even that will be able to stop time.
1:10:12
So I could do the things, but I don't know how that I guess that
1:10:16
would kind of help neurodivergence because maybe I
1:10:19
could do more advocating if I was super fast at it and get
1:10:23
more things done. Yeah.
1:10:25
Or maybe like Hermione and Harry Potter where she can be like 3
1:10:29
different people at three different times.
1:10:31
That would be, that would be useful, yeah.
1:10:33
And then I could spread myself without spreading myself then.
1:10:39
Yeah, so you would be the Flash. He's actually one of my, one of
1:10:42
my, yeah. And he can stop time as well and
1:10:47
time travel and all of that. So yeah.
1:10:50
See, we're Marvel people. I'm not.
1:10:52
I'm not What? Yeah, we're Marvel family.
1:10:55
So. Yeah, I'm, I'm more Marvel as
1:10:58
well, but I, I do like some of the, the, the DC ones and the
1:11:03
Flash. I, I love the actor Grant
1:11:06
Gustin. He used to be on Glee.
1:11:09
Yeah, it does Top 10. So yeah, I watched all the eight
1:11:13
seasons yeah, a few years ago I think through COVID, that's when
1:11:17
yeah, through the lockdown, that's when I caught up with
1:11:20
with all of them. But yeah OK.
1:11:23
And going back to music, if there was one song that captures
1:11:28
your journey either as a parent, as, as being neuro divergent or
1:11:34
or both, what would that be? It's a it's a difficult one
1:11:37
again. Oh.
1:11:38
God, I could think about this all day.
1:11:41
I should have prepared this one. I always used to say that the
1:11:48
song This Girl Is on Fire really represented me, so I'll go with
1:11:53
that one just because I don't want to take up all your whole
1:11:56
day thinking of a song. But yeah, I always used to use
1:11:59
that. I mean, I used to have like
1:12:01
proper, like orange hair, which is why I used to be called have
1:12:05
that song in my head. But yeah, I feel like I'm on
1:12:09
fire doing lots of things, getting myself out there and
1:12:15
advocating. Yeah, and just to double check,
1:12:18
that's Alicia Keys, right? Yeah, Alicia Keys.
1:12:21
Yeah, because yeah, that could be another one.
1:12:24
But that that was the one that's came to me.
1:12:27
Yeah, it's a great song. And Alicia Keys, she's
1:12:29
fantastic. She has an amazing voice so.
1:12:32
Really. And if you had the chance to go
1:12:35
back in time, what would you tell little Anna?
1:12:40
I'll be right, you're a raging ADHDR that's probably autistic.
1:12:47
No I guess that would be so overwhelming.
1:12:50
I would just be like don't be afraid to be yourself, just love
1:12:54
what you love. Be who you are and if people
1:12:58
don't accept you then move on and find people who do.
1:13:03
That's a great message to to go back to.
1:13:06
And yeah, that's, that's how it's, it's actually interesting
1:13:10
when you grow up and you you look back in time, there's so
1:13:12
many things that, you know, maybe you wouldn't even do them
1:13:15
differently, but you just wish, you know, a bit, a bit of wood,
1:13:19
you know, these days, isn't it? Yeah.
1:13:23
And what are your hopes for the future?
1:13:26
I hope that we just live in a world that understands that
1:13:30
there's not one brain type and that learning doesn't have to
1:13:35
just be sat at desks. And I'd love to see the
1:13:39
education be more practical and more actual actually useful of
1:13:43
things that we actually need need in life, right?
1:13:47
Whereas you know who uses algebra?
1:13:50
Not me. You know, just more practical
1:13:53
things that actual learning that's going to help our
1:13:57
children go into life and actually be able to live and
1:14:01
live a happy life rather than just different subjects that
1:14:04
maybe go too in depth about that we're just never gonna use.
1:14:10
Yeah. And that you might, you will
1:14:12
have forgotten by the age of, yeah, 18 or 19 because you learn
1:14:17
them, you know, 10 years ago. So I totally agree with that.
1:14:21
And life skills are definitely much more important because
1:14:24
those are the ones that stick with you.
1:14:26
And you need, of course, if you want to study something specific
1:14:30
like algebra, algebra or, you know, science because you want
1:14:33
to become scientists that yeah, that's a different story.
1:14:37
But that should be that option and more choice.
1:14:41
I guess, yeah. Exactly.
1:14:44
OK, and finally, if your heart had a voice, what would they
1:14:49
tell us? A big a big thing right now that
1:15:04
has really stuck with me is that helping our children and
1:15:09
ourselves to not to fit in, but to belong.
1:15:15
So I guess my heart would say, find somewhere where you belong
1:15:20
and you're not just trying to fit in.
1:15:23
Yeah, that's a beautiful message to end with.
1:15:27
Thank you so much, Anna. Thank you.
1:15:30
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to see you progressing as an
1:15:35
ADHD coach. And you know, I follow you and I
1:15:38
always love your, your contents. And yeah, we'll, we'll
1:15:42
definitely stay in touch. And yeah.
1:15:45
Is there anything else you want to share?
1:15:48
No, just thank you so much for having me and it was a pleasure
1:15:51
to be here. Yeah.
1:15:53
Thank you so much for the opportunity again to and to
1:15:58
Share your story and your lived experience with us.
1:16:01
Thank you. Thank you.
1:16:22
Thank you so much for listening or watching this episode of the
1:16:27
Neuro Diverse Voices Podcast. Also, a huge thank you to
1:16:31
today's guest for sharing their story with such honesty and
1:16:36
insight. If you found this episode
1:16:39
valuable, please share it with someone who might need to hear
1:16:44
it. And don't forget to subscribe,
1:16:47
leave a comment, or follow us on social media.
1:16:51
It really helps others finding the podcast.
1:16:54
You can find all links to everything we talked about today
1:16:58
in the episode description. This podcast is about
1:17:03
connection, community, and change.
1:17:06
So let's keep the conversation going.
1:17:10
Until next time, take care, be kind to yourself, and keep
1:17:15
embracing difference.