Latest / The Rooted Family / EP 23 | How God Sustained Our Family Through 140 Days in the Hospital (Part 2: Darla's Story)

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EP 23 | How God Sustained Our Family Through 140 Days in the Hospital (Part 2: Darla's Story) · The Rooted Family

• Christian Cornish: And it was like suddenly an empty room. I was in an empty room with I think the nurse and maybe Dawn was still there. It was like this traumatic, traumatic birth, so much noise, like so many people. And all of a sudden, my baby is gone. My husband is gone. The entire teams are gone. And it's just me with like basically like a mess, just gave birth, laying there, wondering like what the heck just happened. Last week, we shared the first half of Darla's story. We talked about the unexpected pregnancy, the devastating diagnosis, and the months of uncertainty that followed. We left off just before her birth, standing on the edge of the unknown. If you've listened to this podcast for a while, you've probably heard us talk about becoming a rooted family. Before Darla, I think we mostly imagined that meant building healthy rhythms, creating a peaceful home, and being intentional with our time. And while we still believe all of those things are important, this season completely transformed our understanding of what it really means to be rooted. We learned that a rooted family isn't one that avoids storms. It's one that learns how to remain anchored to Christ in the middle of them. Yeah, and rooted isn't about having a life that's calm. It's More about having roots that go deep enough to hold strong when life isn't going well. So in today's episode, we are going to be sharing the second half of Darla's story. It's the story of 140 days in the NICU, unexpected complications, moments that brought us to our knees, and countless reminders that God's presence is often most evident in the valleys of. We never wanted to walk through. Our hope is that wherever this episode finds you, whether you're walking through your own grief journey, uncertainty, illness, or simply a season that feels heavier than you expected, that you'll come away reminded that God doesn't ask us to be fearless. He invites us to stay rooted in him, one faithful step at a time. So we're going to continue the story today by jumping in at Darla's birth. So how detailed do you want me to be with this section, honey? Well, dudes are listening, so certain details just don't need to happen. Yeah, so keep it brief. Very brief. To the point, although there are many women who love a good birth story, so maybe we should give all the details. Save it for your rooted lady podcast someday. Okay. But in all seriousness, You know, Kayla, what were your thoughts in the days leading up to Darla's birth? So I just remember a lot of anticipation. You know, I had been living in Denver now for like four weeks. I moved there at the beginning of January by myself and all the rest of the six kids and you were living in Pagosa. And we did that because I had to get my prenatal care at children's hospital in in Denver because of all of Darla's known complications. And I really I was at the hospital like two to three times a week during those last four weeks of pregnancy. So you were experiencing your own complications of having too much amniotic fluid. Yeah. Which was leading to several concerns about you in labor and delivery. Yeah, it was a concern for me that I may deliver or go into labor sooner than the thirty seven weeks. And they didn't want me to go beyond thirty seven weeks. So you and I always knew that if I didn't go into natural labor, that you and the kids were gonna come up at that thirty six and a half week mark. And praise God that we had the help of my parents who came up as well to stay with us and the children. So that way when we were gonna be induced at 37 weeks, you could be at the hospital with me and we knew that the kids were being taken care of. So I think it was a mixture of feelings because I had been without you guys for the last four weeks, living on my own and kind of going through all the emotions of carrying this Complicated pregnancy by myself. And then the joy of having us all reunited again as a family, knowing that we're about to bring this baby into the world and getting some really special time with my parents the days leading up to the birth. And I honestly was shocked that I did not go into labor early. I was actually anticipating that because my amniotic fluid was cool. crazy high. I I actually had to go in and get that removed, like literally drained from my womb, multiple times leading up to the birth. And I won't give all the details of what that's like, but essentially the baby was floating in my tummy like a hot tub. And they had to drain the hot tub and give the baby a little bit less space. So that way I could actually deliver this baby naturally. cause you were having appointments with these doctors? that would be with you through this process. Do you remember some of the things that they were sharing with you about what you should be prepared for mentally going into the labor? Yeah, we knew some of her complications. We didn't know all of them. And I think like you we were hoping for the best and really hopeful that things would, you know be taken care of right away and our time in the NICU would be rather short and we'd be able to be home and everything would be so beautiful. I know that the doctors were preparing our hearts for the delivery because there was still this unknown of okay, she has a severe heart condition. There is a chance that she will have breathing issues when she's born. There's a chance that there's complications that were not yet seen on the ultrasound, which actually ended up happening. And I think that there's always the unexpected at delivery. Because you truly don't know. Will there be complications with the mom? Will there be complications with the baby? Even with a totally healthy baby. And so I had the normal feeling of like I'm delivering and there's always this unexpected thing. But I think I carried and I don't know what you would say to this, but I definitely carried more I don't want to say it was anxiety, but definitely more anxious thoughts going into labor and delivery. I just remember feeling so scared that the birth would be traumatic and that there would be so many more complications than I could even wrap my mind around. And I was really nervous that we could lose her. Like that the birth would be the end. Yeah, I think it's even more heightened when we've had friends and relationships where people were under the impression they were having a normal pregnancy and know their babies were stillborn, for instance. I mean, we know people who have been through that horrible experience. And so I think when you take all these complications that were known, and then like you said, there's all these things that could happen and doctors are doing their job of telling you, like, hey, here's all the risks, here's all the things that like, you know, like you're warning us. You're here for a reason. Uh-huh. Well, and the setting. I mean, I was delivering this baby at a children's hospital. And the only way you can deliver at a children's hospital, which not every children's hospital has a birthing center, but the only way you can deliver there is because you have a very sick baby. Because they have to take that baby to the NICU immediately. Yeah, it all adds together. So tell us a little bit about once we got into labor and delivery. Mm-hmm. what was different? Because you've done this six times before. not without other complications or things to think about, of course. but you know, what ended up being different from the other labor and delivery experiences when you actually were there. Yeah. I just remember this for sure. And I don't know if it's 'cause it's the freshest Delivery on my mind, but it for sure was the hardest labor and delivery for me. And maybe it's me getting older, maybe it was feeling under pressure or the anxiety of what was to come, or you know, the unknown. I don't know. It could have been a mixture of all of it. But I mean, from the get go, I don't think she was ready to come out. I was 37 weeks. They didn't want me to go later than that. So they induced me on a Tuesday. And, you know, we went in that night thinking, okay, they're gonna start the induction. Twelve hours from now, hopefully we'll have a baby in our arms. generally I've I've delivered babies if I've been induced, which has been almost all of them, it's a been about twelve hours. but all the other babies I've been induced at like 39, 40 weeks. So this was different though. Like I did not progress. And I didn't progress for so long that they actually had to reduce my amniotic fluid again. for the third time now in pregnancy, like literally in the middle of labor, which I have never heard of that before. They had said they never had. So we got to the twenty four hour mark. Uhhuh. And it was not going forward. And I remember we really liked the delivery doctor. He was he was a great guy. And he came in and was like I think we should do something we've never done before. Uh-huh. He's like, we basically we need to get her engaged in position, but she's floating around in the hot tub and they needed to figure something out. So they reduced my amniotic fluid, took off whatever that was, a couple liters, And the moment they took off all the fluid, she got in position, which was a huge answer to prayers. I think all of us celebrated, the whole team celebrated because I was dangerously close to potentially needing a C-section. Which everybody was trying to avoid at all costs. Yep. Because they felt like it was best for Darla and of course best for you. Yep. Because You don't want to be stuck recovering while she goes back to the NICU and is getting prepared for the surgery that we knew she was probably gonna need pretty quickly. Totally. So the goal was always to have natural delivery so you could recover and you could be with her be with her and be fully present. Yeah. And I know a lot of women actually when I met NICU moms, they did have to get a C section and they said it was just Awful, they had their own recovery, but then they're worried about their baby who's in the NICU struggling. But besides trying to avoid a C-section, the other thing that I had decided on in my heart, like this was months before she was delivered, was that I wanted to have a completely natural delivery, meaning like no drugs, no medicine. I've done that before this was a personal decision. I have had an epidural before in other births, and I knew that there were risks when you get an epidural to the mom. There are still risks to the baby. And I simply wanted to give Darla the very best chance when she first came out of the womb. sometimes epidurals can affect the baby's sleepiness. And I wanted her to be just as alert and you know, the ability to breathe. And I'm not speaking from any sort of medical background. but I just personally felt a conviction to to deliver this baby drug-free. And it's funny because as I was laboring, I really started to question that decision pretty significantly up until like the moment she was born. You remember that? yeah, that was awful. And it definitely was one of those things where again everyone thinks, you've had a bunch of kids, this is gonna go really quickly. Yeah, she's just gonna slide right out of you. And it was it was the total opposite. Like it went on longer. than anyone thought. Mm-hmm. and it was just a really drawn out process and it was extremely, extremely difficult. this process was so long already. You know, I was induced and then they stopped labor, they drained my amniotic fluid, they started labor again, and baby still wasn't here. And now it's literally the third day we're in the hospital. And my labor is really picking up. This is now into the evening. And the contractions are getting closer together. They're getting stronger. I have no pain medicine. And I would say that one thing that's been consistent in all my other births is that when I get closer to the end, I delivered all of my kids vaginally, and I have always gotten to about eight or nine centimeters and have gone super fast. Like at that point, it's like, all right, get the doctor in here, baby's coming out. And this time. I got towards the end, which any of you who have delivered a baby before or you have witnessed a birth, you know that it's the most painful time of labor, is the very, very end. And I am in the worst pain ever. Like just trying everything I can to make it through these contractions. You know, we have worship music going, you're, you know, scratching my back. I was so thankful to have my stepmom Dawn in the delivery this time, and she was such a godsend, she brings such a level of peace into the room with her, and so I had all these things going for me. But for some reason my body was not progressing, and I remember I'm sitting at nine centimeters for a very long time, and I'm just begging. For that epidural. And there was a doctor who was willing to do it. At nine centimeters. And they were actually prepping. I think they came in the room with a cart of stuff that they were gonna prep and start getting ready to do the procedure for you. Yeah, I remember actually I was begging and begging, and I had specifically told you and Dawn, my stepmom, and the nurse, I said. I will get to a point. I know I will. When I am nine centimeters along and I will be, I'm in the worst pain of my life, and I will be begging you for that epidural. And I want you to tell me you can do this. Like, no, you're not getting an epidural. And and I chickened out. I was like, give her the epidural. And Dawn, I think, was like, you can do it. And your nurse was definitely, you can do it. Yeah, but the nurse was definitely like, okay, I guess this is what she's asking for. So And I was very serious. I was very adamant. Like, I need this epidural now. And so they call the up, you know, the anesthesiologist. She comes up to the room and they check me again. And the doctor's like, it's go time. it was so funny. I ended up not getting the epidural, even though I almost did, because she was just ready right at that moment. And I remember she came pretty quickly, several pushes and she was out. And this was a huge answer to prayers for me, was being able to see her and hold her. they did have to take her, the NICU team that was in the room with us, they took her and assessed her right away and made her think breathing and you know, all she had color in her limbs and Some quick initial checks that are not normally having to be done right away. yeah, there was a bunch of stuff that I think they needed to do before they could let me hold her. But I was able to snuggle her for a few minutes and that was a true, true gift because I think that was one of my biggest fears was that they would just sweep her away and she'd go right to the NICU and I wouldn't get any time with her. And so that was so comforting. I think one of the most heartbreaking moments in the birth was not being able to nurse her and have that golden hour with her that I've been able to be so blessed to have with all my other children. And that time to me has been so sacred and so special. But because she had a few different significant GI problems. Right away. And they saw those in the womb. Well, one of them. One of them. And enough to say that they knew she had a blockage. So they couldn't allow her to nurse because she would not be able to actually process milk and take it in, which is why you weren't able to nurse her. Well, and to actually to clarify that, even for those medically interested, her intestines were not connected. So in her duodenum, she had what's called duodenal atresia. And that atresia meant that that intestines was was separated. And we later found out that it her pancreas had wrapped around her duodenum and had then basically cinched it off. And so, like you had shared, there was literally no way for milk to even pass through her intestines. And We later then found out another severe complication that we didn't see in the ultrasound, also related to her GI that she would need another major surgery for. And so, anyways, long story short, there was just no safe way to to feed her. And I then began a pumping journey for the next four months that I don't think any mom thoroughly enjoys pumping. I won't claim to know. It literally feels like you are a cow being milked every three hours. Doesn't sound pleasant. No. It is really not pleasant. So that was a big bummer. I would say like looking back on that, that was probably the least of our concerns, you know, in the big picture of it all. But you know, when you're like just delivered a baby and you're highly emotional and you've nursed and bonded with your other children in this special way for you. And that was not an opportunity for you at all. And so when you've had that many times over, I think it makes it even harder to let go. Yeah. what was it like for you in this delivery? Well, it was kind of scary near the end because you were just in so much pain and I've seen you in labor and delivery multiple times. And you were definitely in more pain and this was taking way longer than it ever had. So that was really hard. Uh-huh. I remember the NICU team coming in when you got to a certain point, let's say like eight centimeters, I don't know, something near the end, and they have this giant bed. Like they don't come in with like this cute little cart, like they come in with this giant bed full of scanners and oxygen and all these tools and stuff everywhere. And it's this huge Heart and contraption. and we knew at that point, they had made it very clear, hey, when she comes out, she's going onto this bed. We're doing all these quick assessments. We want to give her to you. but we have to make sure she's okay first. And so I think that's when it really hit, though. Like this was not gonna be like a a normal experience. So I recall all of that being really difficult. I definitely remember it being a huge sigh of relief when, you know, she cried and they checked her and you know, they didn't have any concerns immediately. And so, getting to hold her right there was a really special moment because we know from hearing the stories of other parents, a lot of these situations they don't get to hold their child. They they have to be swooshed off right away. So you're right. I think that was a really special opportunity. there was a lot going on that day. But I remember it being a huge relief when she finally came. Yeah. I think one of the most shocking moments for me after delivery was when I got like a few moments to snuggle her. They did their assessments. They said, okay, now we have to take her down to the NICU. And I've never had an experience with the NICU before. I've always just had my baby and I've literally kept my baby for the majority of the time in the hospital. And then you leave and go home. what was so shocking was the NICU team leaving with her. You then of course went with Darla to follow the team down to the NICU and be with her, make sure she's all good. And it was like suddenly an empty room. I was in an empty room with I think the nurse and maybe Dawn was still there. It was like this traumatic, traumatic birth, so much noise, like so many people. And all of a sudden, my baby is gone. My husband is gone. The entire teams are gone. And it's just me with like basically like a mess, just gave birth, laying there, wondering like what the heck just happened. And there's just like no words that can describe how traumatic that moment is. Like I didn't even know. Like, is everything okay with her? Clearly, she has to go down to the NICU. So there's gonna be issues. And I know that she's gonna need surgery right away, you know, within the next day or so. But you know what. I just think back on that moment and I just think like that was crazy. Like if I could like give an explicit on this podcast, like it was truly crazy. It was. And you're in this tough situation of balancing your wants and needs as a mother and what they have to do for her. Yeah. Right then and there. Yeah. Like they thankfully we have this wonderful staff to help us because they see the big picture and sometimes we want to, but it's really, really hard. Yeah. And that was really, really hard. Yeah. And we I followed her down with these people I didn't know. I couldn't hold her. Yeah. And yeah, we get down there and actually on the exam they find more complications once they do a really thorough check over for her. Yeah. So that was really awkward because I had to come back to you and be like, so Yeah. found something else out. Yeah, like pretty serious. And she's gonna need another surgery. And it was yeah, there was just a lot in that moment 'cause you weren't gonna be ready to you know, just walk on down there. it was probably what, a whole nother day maybe before you could really go be with her all the time. Yeah. I remember she was born a little after midnight. they put me in the wheelchair and this was probably like three or four in the morning. you I think wheeled me down to the NICU and I got to see her for the first time after birth. I think that was also really overwhelming because she had so many tubes and she had a thing in her nose and her mouth, there was just so much going on with her. And I think that that was jarring also. You know, I just this was a whole new experience for me normally when they come out, you can just like snuggle them at your your breast like immediately and just sleep the whole night just snuggling them and I I remember the NICU nurses had to situate me and then literally I think it was like two people maybe you and like the nurse having to pick her up with all of her cords and the oxygen and all the things and like place her in my lap. And it was Just to hold my newborn baby was a whole situation. Yeah, she had monitors attached to her. they ended up giving her a little oxygen support. I think she had to have another tube in her mouth. In her mouth because she couldn't drain anything out of her stomach properly because of her blockage. So yeah, there's just a lot. There's a lot. So then leading into the first twenty-four hours, it was a lot going on. she had a surgery to correct her duodenal atresia. and give her essentially a way to survive because at to that point she wouldn't have been able to eat. So that was an immediate life saving surgery. And she successfully underwent that surgery on day two of life. So within her first twenty four hours essentially. that just led us into a whole journey in the NICU. And I think like we shared earlier on the podcast, we were expecting, they told us about six weeks would be the long haul stay. And it ended up being so much more. So instead of breaking down the rest of the story into like each week or each month in the NICU. we thought that at this point of the story we would just share with you some different moments and memories and significant milestones that Darla made and setbacks over the 140 days. And just to give you a picture like what 140 days looks like. So she was born in February. She did not go home until July. if you just picture that amount of time in your life from basically winter time all the way through springtime into summertime, when you say 140 days, I don't know if we fully grasp like what a hundred and forty days is. But then you break it down like that and you're like, my goodness, we went through three different seasons, Yeah. And It was long enough that I think for each of us in our own way, we actually established like a new sense of normal. Uh-huh. Which was not normal, but it was that long that there were new routines, there were new rhythms because it just was how long we were there for Like it just It starts to sink in. It started to sink in. It was funny because every once in a while, a new doctor or nurse would come and be like, yeah, hopefully you'll be home soon and in your head you're like, No, I'm not going home soon. I remember you calling me and telling me you're like frustrated some new person would come in and you were like, They clearly don't know what's going on. there's no way I'm going home in the next week, even though they keep trying to talk to me like that's gonna happen. Yeah, they started talking to me like that in March. Even though some doctors would, you know, be like, Yeah, this is gonna be a while because her feeding journey is gonna be a long time. And then one doctor would come in, like a new doctor who was like Yeah, you know, maybe with this kind of progress you could be going home in a week or two. And I'm just sitting there confused. Like, yeah, okay, which is it? Like she's here for a long time or she's going home tomorrow. I don't know. you might be like, How does that happen? You know Other people who work in the hospital have regular lives. So, you know, you might have had a doctor, Kayla, who went on vacation. Yeah. So a new person steps in to keep monitoring things for a week or two. And that's when these weird things would happen. Yeah, the changeover of the doctors was interesting because you get used to one doctor, you know, taking care of your baby for a couple of weeks. But then they do change. You know, you have a new team, essentially watching your baby. And after about two weeks, it came time for the kids and I to go home, to go back to Bagosa. They still had school and regular activities and life to get back to and I had been gone from work and things for quite a while and it we just kind of came up on the limit there of what we could do. And so we brought the kids up to see her and say goodbye. And thankfully they had gotten to see her. throughout this period of time. so it wasn't the only time they got to see her, but it was definitely the probably the most memorable moment for sure. Yeah, and we actually maxed out the guest list capacity that the children's hospital has or like the number of people that can be in a Nikki room at a time. So I do remember we asked for a special permission to allow the whole family, all the siblings And you know, you and I to be in the room together and to say those goodbyes because we didn't know when the next time would be that we'd get to see you. And I remember that goodbye being so difficult, like so, so painful. We stood in the parking lot and, you know, the kids each got to have their moment with me. And you and I just I remember breaking down. And it's so hard because we kind of knew that we were gonna be there for six weeks at the time. That's what we thought, and that seemed like forever. And as we know the story, we were there so much longer, but it at the time it felt like we just didn't know when our family would be united again. And that unknown was truly heartbreaking. How was that goodbye for you? I would agree. It was really It was really sad. It was just this unknowing of you know, not having an idea of when the end would be. Mm-hmm. We hadn't yet figured out what we would do to get by. Yeah. How long could we go without seeing each other? Like how long could I go without mentally going insane of all the stuff I had to do and managing everybody and all their emotions and and everything alone at home. Like we didn't really have a great inclining of what that would look like. I think we did know at this point my parents were going to come and help me for a few weeks. but that was not a plan for you and I to see each other or for you to to get to see the kids. I we did get in a rhythm of that over time, but at this point it was very unknown like how we were going to to get through. the separation piece of it. Yeah, and I'm I'm not really a big crier. Like I I will cry, you know, when I'm sad, but I remember you guys leaving and I went up to the Nikki room to be with Darla and there's like this curtain that kind of closes off the couch that there there is in the room for the parents and then the rest of the room. And I remember just closing the couch and I just sat on the couch looking out the window and just bawling my eyes out and praying that a nurse wouldn't walk in the room and catch me as a mess. But that entire day after you guys left, I cried on and off all day. And I mean, I'm sure there are people that relate to this that go off to war or, you know, have periods of separation with their children, but it's not, you know, obviously normal to be without your kids and or to be without your spouse. For a long period of time. And I think it was just like that was definitely one of the most heartbreaking moments for me in this entire journey. Yeah. And as we'll see, you were alone. So it there's that loneliness factor of okay, whatever happens from here, I was not going to be there with you to walk alongside of you. Yeah. And definitely challenges came up and that was really yeah, that was really difficult. Yeah. I yeah, I guess I didn't really think about that until now, like how hard that was to like walk through like one of our hardest moments as parents and to not be like physically together through that. Mm-hmm. Like every day, you know, I was facing rounds with the her whole team. But It was hard to not have you like in those rounds with me. You were on the phone calling in every morning and listening into rounds, or I would give you an update, like, hey, here's what's going on. But yeah, I think that that's probably one of the challenges that you and I just kind of like buckled up and made it through. But now, reflecting back, I'm like, gosh, that was really, really hard. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I would say she did pretty good those first couple weeks. Like she progressed after surgery. we had a really scary situation happen at about three weeks old when to this day, the doctors still do not know what happened. But she declined very, very fast. It was like one day the doctors were rounding on her. And in the NICU, the doctors are rounding every morning and every afternoon usually. And they came in in the morning to look at her. And the one doctor who knew her really well was like, Darla doesn't look normal. She looks she actually looks really sick. And they turned on all the bright lights just to make sure that it wasn't weird, you know, sunlight or something coming in. And she straight up looked gray. And I remember like almost mad chaos for the next forty-eight hours as they were trying to figure out what was going on with her. they did every type of test you could do on her to see like what you know, is she septic? Like, does she have something? really dangerous growing inside of her that she's like very, very sick. Like all of her numbers pointed to sepsis. And yet they could not find the source. And for those of you who know anything about this world, you know that that's a pretty dangerous place to be when you don't even know what to treat. And now they're throwing every antibiotic, every drug at her to help help her. Because it's critical. she is declining so fast that she has to turn the corner within yeah hours. Yep. And no not days to figure out a solution. It's like too late. there's no time to go investigate what it is. It is throw the kitchen sink at her and solve it now. Well and they said that Nikki babies who have sepsis, it can truly be within hours their organs are failing. And so it was truly amazing to me the care at this point. We had countless people coming in and out of our room all day long. Like and because of her, they weren't sure if she had, you know, some sort of bacterial growth in her bloodstream. They were all gowned up. I remember that night. When still no one knew what was going on. There were two mountains of yellow disposable suits in our room. there are these disposable suits that the doctors and nurses put over their scrubs when you go into like a contaminated room, quote unquote. And there were so many of them, the garbage was overflowing, and there were two giant piles of them next to the garbage because of how many people were coming into our room trying to help her. And this is the point of the story where I think is just so miraculous the timing of it all because your parents came into town not because of this reason, but they were coming to visit and help you for the next few weeks. And the timing was so perfect because it was like I called you and I'm like, you've got to get to Denver. We don't know what's going on with her. We don't know you know, could this be the end? We don't know. And your parents they so kindly, so generously offered for you, they're like, We'll take the six kids, which for anybody is a lot. Yeah, they're in their seventies at this point, like taking care of six really young children is a lot. Is a lot, especially when they don't know their routines. They don't know every little detail about how to best support them. And they were amazing. Like they like, Yeah, of course, like you need to go right now. And they so selflessly just told you, like, go. Yeah. And I got in the car at like six o'clock at night and I didn't make it to Denver until midnight. Yeah. I arrived absolutely exhausted. what was your first reaction, I guess, getting up to her room? You've been just driving through the night to get to us, and you don't even know what's going on at this point. Like, where were you at mentally, emotionally? I remember I had been obviously praying the whole drive. and really, yeah, really nervous I call it the middle. anytime, especially in medical situations, you're like, I know something is off and awful and wrong, but I have no answers. And I think there's nothing harder. you know, the way I'd describe it would be. You think something's wrong with you, like, I might have cancer and you go get testing, and they're like, it's gonna be two weeks before we have a clue. Yeah. You can't stop thinking about like the worst because you just don't have any other frame or reference. so yeah, like it's scary. Totally. And terrifying, like, my gosh, am I losing my daughter? Well, I never get to see her grow up. And you know, you just can't stop thinking about it. And I'm six hours away. So it's all you can think about for this whole drive. And I show up at midnight just absolutely exhausted. you know, it is kind of scary because you see her, you can't pick her up and hold her, you can't do anything, and there's just nothing you can do. I do think we ended up staying in the room with her that night. so you just know you're in for an awful long experience once you show up. Yeah. Cause there isn't answers yet and they have to check on her constantly. Yeah. So you're just you're gonna be up for the next like thirty six hours with no sleep. Like you just kinda know. And the like the machines. my gosh, I swear I still hear phantom beeps. in my sleep or even just like randomly in the house because the beeping in the NICU or in the hospital, it is like crazy. It's constant. Constant. And today we still have the the beepings and stuff because we have medical equipment and her feeding pump and all this stuff. So like we still hear these, but we do you and I have talk about all the time. Like we hear the phantom like, I hear the pump going off. Totally. And there's no pump going off. It's it's just from the constant like six months of hearing those noises straight. But all this to say, after I got there, Darla did end up turning the corner through these antibiotics and medicine they threw at her to save her life. Yeah. but it is still disappointing to this day. You don't know which of those antibiotics actually helped her. Yeah. You don't know what actually caused her to get so sick. Yeah. And so it is it is scary. We're just grateful that she ended up pulling through. Yeah. That was truly, I think, one of our miraculous stories upon so many. I feel like we experienced like miracle upon miracle. and very grateful for the doctors at children's who just stepped up big time to get her through that. I would say another miracle in this whole thing was the Ronald McDonald house. And what a gift it was to have an organization like that. If you've ever been to a Ronald McDonald house, then you know just how special of a place it is. one of the miraculous things for us was that we got a room there basically the second night that we needed it. And then I had that room the entire five almost five months while she was in the NICU. yeah, you moved in. You you got extra furniture, you had plants, you got yourself a cure egg. I even found other pieces of random furniture around the the building and brought them into my room to make it cozier. I think the joke was always like if you see a random missing piece of furniture in the It's probably in my room. But truly like that place. Is a gift to parents walking through intense situations with their sick children. maybe the rooms aren't super fancy, they were adequate. it's like a hotel room, essentially. You know, you have your couple beds, you have a little desk, you have your own bathroom, but I think the treasure in the Ronald McDonald house was the community. And I didn't know how I would feel about this because, you know, you spend all day in the NICU and you're surrounded by medical and really hard situations, other people walking through really, really tough things. I didn't know how I was gonna feel about coming back each night to a place where every parent there also had a sick child at the hospital and almost feeling like I couldn't leave or escape like sickness. Yeah, it's like you're You're in a place, you know, from early morning till evening of sickness heavy, difficult. Uh-huh. And you were nervous you you were gonna go back to another place that's just heavy and difficult. Yeah. W so it's like there's never a reprieve Yeah. I think that's how I imagined it would be, but it really was, it was actually more healing and comforting to me because I was with people who understood the level of pain and fear that only people who have walked the journey of having a sick child can truly understand. And there's a lot of well-meaning people who want to encourage you, you know, your family and your friends who are not walking in this situation, which that is helpful too. But there is something really special about being friends and in community with people who are walking a very similar journey. one thing I love about the Ronald McDonald house is the evenings there were home cooked meals from the chefs of the house. And shout out to Chef Stella and Tori, who we love so much. They made the most delicious food with teams that would come into the home. And then us parents would gather around these, many dining room tables. And just like a family, we'd all from the long day at the hospital just gather. We would gather and enjoy good food. Sometimes we would talk about our kids. Sometimes we wouldn't talk about them at all. And we would just talk about, you know, our kids back at home, or we'd talk about our life, or talk about the Lord. And I just was so grateful for people to do life with while I was there for the long haul. And it truly ended up becoming a very hopeful place for me. The way that they even decorate the Ronald McDonald House it feels very much like a retreat. It's not cold, it's it's very warm, it's very inviting, and a a very beautiful place to be. what was your experience of the Ronald McDonald House? You weren't there with me, obviously the majority of the time, but you would come back, you know, every so often and stay with me at the house. And so it was really cool to be able to have you experience the house with me too on occasion. Yeah, it really felt like you could have a home away from the hospital, but still be close to your child. Uh-huh. And that was a really great gift. Yeah. Because you don't always have that. it's a fear being six hours away that, well, what am I gonna do? Where am I gonna stay? how am I gonna make this work financially for all these months? And so it was really comforting to know that you I mean, me as your husband, being so far away, you were really super close. You had meals, you had, you know, people around you. so I definitely appreciated that. we exchanged weeks, I think once or twice, where I stayed up for the week and you came home just to get a break. Yep. And yeah, I would I absolutely echo everything you said. I found it to be just such a nice reprieve to go back to at the end of the day. I think some people think, being in the NICU is like sleeping by your baby's bedside. But I mean, you can't do that to yourself. A, you'll you'll just go nuts like not getting out of there with the beeping and the noises and the people constantly coming in to check. I mean, they had to check on herself every few hours throughout the night. and that's terrible for you as a parent. you need to to take care of yourself too. There's a a really important balance there. And I felt like the Ronald McDonald House offered that opportunity to like take care of yourself. Like if you wanted to be at the hospital at six in the morning, you could choose to do that. If you needed a little break and you didn't want to go till eight or nine in the morning or even ten, like or I remember one time you I think you were like, I'm gonna go to the art museum today. And you didn't show up till more like noon. Mm-hmm. But You know, just having that option to take care of yourself, I think was one of the greatest gifts for sure that it offered. Yeah, because I definitely watched as some parents almost lived in the NICU, I know different hospitals do it differently, but ours had private rooms for each baby. So it wasn't like you were in this one giant space with a bunch of babies, which I know some are like that. but there is a sleeping couch in each individual room. And I knew of several parents that chose to essentially live in the NICU with their child, and you could just see the pure exhaustion on their faces. And one comment, interestingly enough, that I got from a lot of the nurses and doctors that came into our room was you look so refreshed for being a NICU mom. Wow. I received that so many times. And I didn't know how to receive that, like really receive it. But the more I got to know more NICU parents and I saw like the way that grief and suffering, like living in the NICU, what it does to your your spirit, I think one thing that contributed to my refreshness, my fresh look, I guess. was I got away every night to to just be with me in the Lord. And I intentionally had rhythms that I put into place pretty quickly. And I'm so grateful to God for this that he prompted me to think about healthy rhythms to take care of myself in the NICU. But I would go home pretty much every night at dinner time. That was kind of my boundary of I'm gonna stay until about six, six thirty And she was going to bed pretty much anyway. So it was like, okay, I could just sit there and stare at her while she's sleeping, or I could go back to the Ronald McDonald house. I could have a hot meal with some friends. I could get an early bedtime. And then I was very intentional about waking up and spending time in the Word, journaling if I could emotionally, and just taking some time for myself, whether it was working out. Or going on a hike. I remember like once a week I intentionally made a date day for myself where I would just explore a new area of Denver. And the nurses all started to catch on to what I was doing. And they'd be like, So where are you going this week? what new park or what new hike? Or what new restaurant are you checking out? And those moments, even though they were by myself, they were Truly healing. it was like honey to my soul. And it was such an encouragement to me. And there was this like tension of okay, I could be with my baby. It's so unnatural to give birth and not be with your baby 24/7. But this was such an unnatural situation where your baby's sick in the hospital. So I think, in order to be my best, I prioritized time out of the NICU doing activities that brought me life. And I think the staff was extremely supportive. They were. I think that was something that probably caught us off guard. Yeah. Was how encouraging they were of us leaving and getting away. Yeah. And and creating space. And like you said, it's not natural. Like the natural inclination was what some parents were doing, which was basically never leaving. Mm-hmm. And I remember it did feel really weird of like, really we we can go? Like it's okay if we leave. And they were like, my gosh, you need to Yeah. please please go take care of yourself. Get dinner, go sleep. she'll be fine. She's sleeping. We'll see you in the morning. And I do remember that being so helpful. And I think you created some other rhythms throughout your time that you hadn't mentioned, but I think were really good. What were some of those that really were supportive to you too? Yeah, I think one surprising blessing that came out of this entire journey was dusting off my watercolor supplies that I hadn't touched in probably a year or two. and I started painting again. And at first it was more of just like, okay, I need something to do. I'm in this hospital room for hours upon hours every day. And I can't just sit here and stare at her. you can only like yeah, read a book for so long. So I started painting again and very quickly realized how much joy and how therapeutic painting was to my soul. As I just sat by her bedside and just created beautiful things. Like sometimes it wasn't even anything specifically. It was just like put the brush to paper and make marks on the paper. And you can imagine if you spend hours doing anything every single day, you're gonna get like, you know, kinda good at it. so This hobby that truly was a hobby up to this point that really no one else knew that besides you that I like to watercolor paint. I began to paint and create different landscapes and floral cards and paintings. And nurses and doctors began coming in the room and they'd look at my work because I'd have all the work laid out on the different tables in the Nikki room, like starting to cover all of my personal area. And they would ask me, like, my goodness, are you an artist? And I couldn't claim it because it was so new. I'm like, I like to watercolor paint. And then someone even asked me, could we buy our work? And that was so shocking to me. But it it was so cool how that actually has led into now what we have a full blown art business. And it all started in my daughter's Nikki room. So that was pretty special. God used her journey to almost like revive my love of watercolor painting and almost just like hand me a business. And now I get to paint for people all over the country and all over the world. I send my work through our Soul and Saver Society. So people have received my watercolor work every single month for the last several months and our monthly subscription and getting so many custom orders. And now I get the privilege of teaching watercolor classes here in Pagosa Springs to locals and literally all of that from just finding an outlet for myself as a NICU mom. Yeah, you really took that time to explore mastery and it was just really beautiful to see you do something that you loved and find something that you loved and the moment of something that was so difficult and challenging. it's been such a gift to see you just blossom through your art and this journey it's been really special to to see from my perspective as I guess the person who knows you most. but to see this part of you that you kind of like to do but you never made time for because you had all these other ambitions and our family and that you put first. And you know, once it became clear like, you couldn't do something with this, then you just went all in. And it's been it's been awesome. Can I ask you something? When was the last time you actually felt at peace? Not just productive, not just caught up, but settled. Because most of us aren't lacking desire for a slower, deeper life, we're just stuck in the busyness that keeps us rushing right past it. That's why we created the Slow and Savor Society. It's a snail mail club. Yes, it comes straight to your mailbox. It's a simple, tangible way to slow down each month with a piece of art, a cozy recipe, and a letter designed to help you reconnect with what actually matters, with God, with your family, and with your own soul. if your life has felt full, but not meaningful. This is your invitation to begin again. You can learn more or join us at legacyrootsco.com slash Mel Club. And right now, if you use Code Podcast, you'll get 50 % off your first month so you can try it out. Now back to the episode. Yeah, I think my biggest encouragement to anyone walking through a similar situation is to really find an activity or something that you can do with your hands that is either creative or something that will bring you joy. That's not like scrolling on your phone or watching TV. It was an escapism. Yeah, like something to not escape the pain you're in, but almost something that helps you to find new life again. in a very dark situation. And for me, that was watercolor. And I think there's many ways that you can do this. even simply taking a break to go for a walk. That was a rhythm I put into place pretty quickly. I would go get lunch away from the Nikki room and just take a walk. And just being outside, that's amazing how much refreshment you can get from being just out in the sun and in in nature and taking some time to just think. walking, I feel like, helps you think. It helps you almost to actually process what you're going through. I think one reason why people might struggle in the NICU or the Pick you or any other like hard hospital situation is if you don't Allow yourself to just process. like you said the word escape. I think so many people have the temptation of like their phone or the TV in the room they're truly escaping the the pain, the hard feelings, the trauma by just burying themselves in a screen. But what happens is you don't actually deal with it when you think you're escaping the pain. You're just burying it for it to come forward later in a much more extreme way. Yeah, you can't show up as your best self and you give yourself no opportunity to be ready to show up as your best self when you need to. Mm-hmm. Because I think as anyone can say, it doesn't matter what hard situation you're in, the thing that you can't prepare for is something hard happens and things usually get harder before they get better. Mm-hmm. And so if the first thing shows up that's hard and you're not ready because all you've been doing is escaping. Then how are you going to be ready for the rest of the hard that's coming your way to get through that? Yeah. And I think you could see that over and over again in the NICU of there were people who clearly were just trying to get by to just purely escape and hope to survive. And it's not to take away from the difficulty of their situations at all. But it is to say, man, after seeing the same people. months over month over month and just watching them like you could see it on their face the the decline in themselves. You know what's what's hard or sad is knowing like, gosh, I I want you to be able to show up for your child. Yeah. The best you can in this moment. Yeah. And and that's really, really hard. Yeah. It's really, really hard. Well, it's hard because it feels at on one hand, it feels kind of selfish because you have this baby who's fighting for her life and she is going through the worst thing imaginable, surgery after surgery, and so much pain. And as a parent, we want to be with our child through every moment of that. And like I shared earlier, it's like unnatural to leave your newborn child. You know, a lot of the Nikki babies, their babies are born early. So these are like tiny little babies just trying to make it. Darla's story is a little different because she was born not full term, but she just had a lot of complications. so on one hand, I feel selfish, but then you realize that in if we're gonna make it through this, if we're gonna like thrive through this situation, we have got to be our best. I I love what Fred Rogers, Mr. Rogers from Mr. Rogers neighborhood, he has a quote that I just always come back to. He says, Whatever is human is mentionable, and whatever is mentionable is manageable. And what that quote essentially means is that whatever can happen in the human existence, whatever suffering, pain, problems, sin, anything that can happen with a human, anything, is mentionable. Like you can talk about it. And if you can talk about it, then you can manage it. And I think what you and I really strove for during this whole season was how can we just face head on what we are going through? Let's not try to go around it. Under it, over it, let's just walk straight through it. And we're not gonna hide it. Like we're gonna not gonna hide when we have bad days. We're gonna just say it how it is. And if we know we need to leave the hospital room because we are overwhelmed and we have had enough of being in the NICU for the day, we're just going to do that. But I think you and I got really good at really being real and honest with ourselves. And you and I, I think, did a really good job of checking in with each other constantly. I felt like I was constantly checking in with you and the kids because you had a whole different a whole different challenge than me. You were at home six hours away with six other children, being single dad, trying to keep our life together without your wife. so I just remember I felt like I was just constantly checking in to make sure that you were emotionally making it. could you just share a little bit What helped you manage the really tough emotions of being a single dad, the loneliness, not having your wife, you know, your sick baby is like six hours away. how did you get through it instead of trying to just avoid the pain and the suffering? I think a few keys were. I learned to ask for help and by the grace of the Lord, our community really did come around us. It was so beautiful. you know, child care things worked out, having people even just help. I mean it's so basic, but having kids get rides home from school, so I had one less thing. to do huh throughout the day was absolutely incredible because you know when you're trying to work full time and you're trying to run a house full time, like just every extra task just it kind of compounds and becomes exponentially more difficult as the day goes on. So that was extremely helpful. And I think like you said, learning to be honest, I kinda learned my limits were I could do this for about two weeks without a break of some kind. And so I think we did a really good job of meeting up or you came home or someone came to visit and we had this really great schedule of around every two weeks, somebody was here. So admittingly I kind of felt like I was completely depleted by that point. But it gave me the chance I needed to recharge so I could go into another cycle. our rhythms, just kind of continuing our rhythms, it helped me and the kids. Like the kids knew what to continue doing throughout the time. So that was really, really helpful as well. And I think that, some of it is just you just have to do it. And there's just a strength and an energy that does come from this is it. Like This has to happen. Like we have to go to work. We have to have groceries. We have to eat dinner. We have to go to bed. We have to get to school, get the schoolwork done. That does kind of propel you forward. But I think there's only so long that can sustain someone. but I think this is again where the Lord really showed up. And like you said, we had to mention where we needed help. And when someone asked, being willing to say where you could really use help. And yeah. We talked about our community being so supportive. I mean, all the meals were amazing. And I remember like after so many months, I think the meal train went out again just to say, hey, we're still unfortunately going through this. And nobody minded. so I think all of that really, really helped us as an entire family. get through. we we came up with what the new normal almost had to look like. Yeah. And I just tried my very best to not make that too different of a normal. was trying to keep it as normal as I could. Yeah. And I think the Lord was just so gracious through all of that. I really don't have He really was. A better explanation of that. my encouragement is I think sometimes people think, wow, that's so amazing you did that. But I just don't think anyone would have done anything different. No, I think you do what you have to do when you are faced with the unimaginable. And that's an encouragement of like if you're listening to this today and you're hearing the story of like, yeah, we went through a lot of hard things. But the Lord will carry you through them as well. Yeah. He will bring a strength that you didn't know you had. Yeah. Or He will give you strength when you don't have it. And He will, be there alongside of you when you're feeling the grief that you didn't know you would ever feel. Yeah. And He doesn't leave you alone in that. I think some people just want God to reach down and rescue them and make everything better. And that's not how real life works. I think how real life works is Jesus showing up in the scriptures and being there alongside people and walking with people and being there tangibly. I think that's what it looks like to have the Lord walk alongside of you in these hard times. Absolutely. Yeah, the peace that we felt walking through this was truly miraculous. It is beyond comprehension. To walk through, you know, you're watching your child suffer. You want so desperately to bring your baby home. You want, you, you honestly just want your baby to live. And when you don't know the answers to those questions, like for so long we didn't know when is she gonna come home? you know, even when she was going through her really tough days, or like, is she gonna come home? Or even leading up to heart surgery, which was later on in the story, it's like, is she gonna make it through heart surgery? And there were so many moments where we truly did not know. The the answer to those questions. And yet God was so faithful to give us a peace that we just knew he was with us, even though he may not heal her a hundred percent. He may not even answer our prayer the way that we are desperately asking him to answer the prayer. He gave us this assurance and confidence that I can't even put words to it. But I just know that when you are deeply rooted in your faith and you're in the Lord, when you are so confident in in your God, you just get this ultimate assurance that he will never leave you, that he is not forsaking you in this moment. In fact, he's actually holding you. And Some of those moments came looking back because we were just asking questions like why? How? Yeah. Like God, what is your purpose in all of this? Yeah, like why would you form her this way in the womb? And some of those things were just answered in in different ways than I think we ever thought. I'll give an example, like One thought is now we're in Colorado and some of Dara's complications, by the grace of the Lord, now we know she's with some of the best doctors in the entire world at these very specific issues that she has. And we didn't even want to move to Colorado. Like in all honesty, this was not on our radar. It was not a desire. It was not something we pursued. You can go back and listen to that episode, by the way, because we recorded that a couple weeks ago. We'll put the link in the show notes. And Now we're seeing, wait, the Lord knew Darla. He knew she would come. He knew the complications she would have. He knew that this would be her story. And her story had some part of being impacted by these doctors Like if we lived anywhere else. we've ever lived, she would not have this level of care or this support or help. Actually, this is kind of cool. The one the one doctor that you're thinking of, she came from another country to our children's hospital. And people literally travel from all over the world to see her and get surgery done by her. And Darla's surgery was such a rare surgery that they ended up broadcasting it to surgeons all over the world in different developing countries that don't have access to this kind of surgery or just they don't do it very often. But literally part of Darla's story was this doctor, The surgeon is right here in Colorado at this particular hospital for this exact condition that Darla needed a large surgery for. It is like truly mind blowing how God put those pieces together for us. It's been really, really mind blowing. And there's been even more of those moments along the way, but each one builds the assurance that despite everything that the Lord has us and he has especially Darla in his hands. Yep. Absolutely. So looking back now, we can see where God's fingerprints have been through this whole story. And after months and months and months of thankfully, by his grace, I think we would say doing more than just surviving. Mm-hmm. We Come to the end of Darla's time in the NICU. so the reason that Darla was in the NICU for so long was because she had so many feeding struggles. And you can't send home NICU babies unless they can like confidently eat and grow at home. And she had so many surgeries that she needed in that in that first few months of life that they ended up keeping her in the NICU between each surgery. And then we just kept working on getting her to feed better. she never ate by mouth in the NICU. She ended up getting a G tube via a surgery. And basically our goal to get her home. was that she would stop throwing up because she threw up all day every day it was a really big struggle to gain weight. in order to go to our remote location in Colorado, we had to be able to confidently feed her through her G tube at home without her puking like crazy. And it just took her so long to get to that end goal. And I've actually heard this from a lot of NICU parents that like feeding struggles are the reason babies will stay sometimes a longer time in the NICU. And so that was definitely Darla's situation. Wasn't just the surgeries. It was truly like she couldn't essentially survive well at home. But praise God, end of June. We got the notice from the doctors that it looked like she was progressing enough that in a few weeks she would be able to go home. And that was like such big news for us. I remember, you know, as we were starting to hear like the little inklings from the doctors, like she's growing and we are seeing a good trend here. She's keeping our food down better. You and I are like, my gosh, we get to bring our baby home. This is gonna happen like really soon. And so actually, we're recording this right now on Fourth of July weekend. This time a year ago, we were preparing our home to bring home Darla. And it was a little frantic because I'm here by myself and I didn't know. I'm constantly wondering, is it today? Is it tomorrow? Yeah. I I just remember this. Back and forth. Back and forth. I think it's gonna happen tomorrow. And then she'd throw up a bunch and they'd be like, now wait another day or two And it was just this constant like Uhhuh. Are we going? Are we not? I got all these people here, like this is not easy to just hop in and go. Yep. And we had to figure like hotels. It it just was it's not so simple. But we were happy. to deal with this tension by this point. Well, and we really it was really important to us that all the kids were there for her NICU graduation. You know, we could have just like brought her home, I guess, just you and I, or I could have just brought her home and surprised the kids. But one thing we haven't talked about a lot during this entire episode is how our other kids did during this entire journey. And they truly blew my mind with how how much they even relied on the Lord and how they with so much strength truly walked this season without complaining, without blaming their life circumstances on God or on us or like, whoa is me, my life is so hard because my sister, you know, has all the attention of my parents. I feel like that could have been like the normal temptation for a child in this situation. But we watched our children pray for Darla every single day and w ask about her And they had been through almost as much as we had. Uh-huh. And so it was important to us and to them to be there to celebrate her jailbreak. It's so true. Yeah, and so I think it was really special. They got to be there for her graduation. It was a really special day. I remember, you know, we had made like really close friends with some of her NICU nurses who became her primary nurses. And so I remember there were so many tears. There were so many cards. nurses were stopping by the room and giving Darla gifts and they were signing her little baby journal that I had and leaving her notes and wanting to take pictures, final pictures with her. I remember Two days of celebration as we were preparing Darla, packing up her room. I mean, I I pretty much settled into the Nikki room at this point. I remember this is kind of a funny story, but there was a family, I think, that stayed across the room across from us. And, you know, in the Nikki, the rooms are like a fishbowl. Like they're giant glass walls. You don't really have privacy. And I remember that one of the nurses had said, you know, the family across the way. They're asking how you brought a couch up to your room and if that's like allowed. And the only reason they thought that is because I had like decorated the hospital couch in a way. Like I had put a really comfy, large, like blanket over the couch with like throw pillows. Like talking like Target style throw pillows on this couch. There is also no way you were leaving Denver without help. Because you settled in a little too much and like the curing and like I'm not joking, there is a side table upstairs that you bought just for my just for your stay there and like all this like there was there was quite an accumulation of of stuff. Of of stuff that helped you be comfortable and it was all worth it. Yeah, you weren't coming home in a Toyota camera. Let's just put it that way. It wasn't happening. No. It's okay. And so I remember that final day though. It was so, so sweet. there was one nurse who we be became a close friend of ours. She played pomp and circumstance, like the graduation music as we were exiting her room. you came and we gathered her final items. The staff and the doctors said her their goodbyes, and then we got to like basically prance through the hallways. Is that the right word? sure. We were joyfully exiting the NICU with our the nurse playing the music, pomp and circumstance. She had her little graduation cap on. And we got to exit the NICU with the other six kids cheering Darla out of the secure part of the NICU. And it was just so, so sweet. I will never forget those moments of everyone clapping for her as we were walking down the halls, you know, people saying goodbye to her, us taking her. graduation picture, like it said, you know, her beginning weight, her end weight, her a hundred and forty days in the NICU. And it was just like just like that, we were free. Kind of surreal actually. Yeah. And it definitely doesn't end her story. it wasn't the end of the journey. But it was a very monumental moment. Totally. massive hurdle. Yes. And it was it was very joyous for sure. Very joyous. And very sweet. And you know, I'm grateful for every single person who gave to us, who supported us, who took care of me while I was here and our children and all the different ways that they helped and all the friends that flew into Denver just to see me. So many, so many thanks. We could never get to them all. But this was a very significant hurdle that was crossed. And you know, I I think this story deserves more conversation because most people know the biggest hurdles that we anticipated were were not actually happening yet. we still have open heart surgery and we still have these other things coming. Yeah. But a year ago we walked out of that children's hospital carrying our daughter after a hundred and forty days. And today she is laughing and smiling and she's growing and she brings so much joy to everyone around. Yeah. That's the one comment we get everywhere we bring her now, she doesn't stop smiling. you would never know that she has walked through more struggle and pain. And surgeries and all the things that most people will walk in a lifetime. She's walked that in her first year of life, and she doesn't even show it. Like she truly is such a joy. Yeah. her story isn't over. Darla still has so many different medical needs. Like we just got back from a trip to Denver where she had over a dozen appointments just to see her specialists. And we still don't know everything that the future holds. But there's one thing that we have learned through all of this. God doesn't promise an easy road, but he does promise his presence. He never has left us. He will never forsake you. And sometimes being rooted doesn't look like standing strong. In fact, oftentimes you look pretty weak. sometimes being rooted looks like just holding on to Jesus one day at a time until he carries you through. And today, in this episode, we ask the question: Can God really sustain ordinary people through unimaginable suffering? And the answer is yes. And we know that because we are living proof to that. We would not be standing here today being able to even share the story with a heart of gratitude and a heart that recognizes God's presence if this were not true. And people often ask us if we change anything about you know the story, what would we what would we choose? And you know, you could think We could choose an easier road, or would we choose fewer surgeries? less uncertainty and scary moments? Of course we never want our daughter to suffer, but we also can't imagine our family without Darla. She's taught us more about God than we ever would have expected. She's taught us about joy. She's taught us dependence. She's taught us that every human life bears the image of God. And if you're listening, sweetheart, someday when you're old enough to hear this. We're just so grateful that God chose us to be your parents. And we love you. We're so grateful you're here, Darla.