Latest / The Living Loss | Navigating Invisible Grief & Identity / 08 | Living with Alopecia: Navigating the Hidden Grief with Bridgid
Transcript
- Cassandra: Hello, friends! I'm Cassandra Harris Towner. Daiana: And I'm Daiana Bernard. Cassandra: and as licensed mental health counselors we're unpacking the quiet complex griefs that don't come with a funeral because you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Daiana: Welcome to the Living Loss podcast. We are so glad you're joining our conversation as we name these losses and create a meaningful path forward together. Please subscribe and share this episode. helps us grow this community and reach others who need to know that their grief is valid. Let's dive in. Cassandra: Now today, before we bring in our very special guest, we want to lay some groundwork. We do talk about quiet losses on the show and today we're looking at alopecia. Beyond the physical, this is a profound loss of identity and bodily autonomy. It's the grief of losing a version of yourself that you and the world were used to seeing in the mirror. Daiana: Society often dismisses this as just hair, which makes it a form of disenfranchised grief. When our body begins to change in ways you do not choose, it triggers a trauma response. You aren't just mourning the hair, you're mourning the safety and the predictability of your own image. Understanding that nuance is the first step toward healing and that internal fracture. Cassandra: Now, I learned some stuff about alopecia that I didn't know before. are two different types, ⁓ least, but there's a lot of different variations, but there's two ⁓ focuses. ⁓ alopecia is known as alopecia areata and is an autoimmune condition where the body attacks its own hair follicles causing sudden patchy hair loss. ⁓ forms are known as androgenic alopecia and is primarily includes genetic factors such as ⁓ hormone DHT. ⁓ which leads to predictable pattern baldness such as receding hairlines and crown thinning. I had no idea that those two different variations existed. Daiana: Yeah, neither did I. And it's also a form of disenfranchised grief because it isn't terminal. Society often minimizes it. It's just hair, however it involves a loss of safety in one's own body and the mourning of a pre-diagnosed self. Cassandra: And it can move you in a lot of different ways that you weren't expecting. And I think that's a really important part because we've talked about loss of identity before. But this is one that comes kind of out of the blue that nobody expects. It's not something that you choose. You don't pick up and move. Your body just reacts to something that you didn't know that you had. Daiana: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and this disenfranchised grief is grief that is minimized you're not given support for. Cassandra: Mm-hmm, ⁓ Daiana: So our guest today is Brigid and she is a nurse who's dedicated her career to caring for others while navigating her own private journey with alopecia. Brigid, thank you so much for being here today and joining us in this space. Bridgid Cornell: Thanks for having me. Daiana: You Cassandra: Now, Brigid first noticed her own hair loss in early 30s, so I'll definitely let you tell the whole story, but for nearly almost three decades now, we've navigated the exhaustive reality of camouflaging. We're going to go ahead and dive into how that constant effort to hide a part of herself affected only not only her identity, but her relationships, the way she connected with the world around her and herself even. So welcome, Brigid. Bridgid Cornell: Hey, thanks again. I really appreciate everything you said in the introduction ⁓ about hair loss. There's actually a type of alopecia called alopecia totalis where a person loses all the hair on their head. That's autoimmune and there's alopecia universalis where they lose all the hair on their body. And I have met women in the alopecia community and men. but particularly drawn to women, because I do think the experience is different in our culture for a woman experiencing hair loss. But I've met women with alopecia universalis who have had it since they were young children. But the type of alopecia I have, like you said, androgenic, or sometimes it's called androgenetic alopecia, I've heard it referred both ways, is... just determined by genetics. So just born with it. Just lucky, I guess. And I first noticed it when I was in my early 30s. And it started with just a little bit of thinning right here. And then to my horror, it started to spread and become more diffuse and harder to hide. And so I also tried ⁓ Rogaine and ⁓ special shampoo and ⁓ special vitamins to help. you know, make my hair grow back. I did go to multiple doctors, general practitioners, dermatologists, endocrinologists, and they took blood, they did scalp analysis, and they all came up with the same diagnosis, androgenic alopecia, and basically told me, you know, I didn't cause it, there wasn't anything I could really do about it, but I shouldn't worry too much because it usually didn't manifest in a severe fashion in women. Daiana: Mm. Bridgid Cornell: So I was worried when I was in my early 30s that I was gonna become totally bald, but they said not to worry about that. So then I set about trying to camouflage it. And for some reason, I didn't want anybody to know that I had this. I felt like a sense of shame about it. So I used different products to try to camouflage the show through of my hair, because I still had hair. It was just very thin, like right up here. Cassandra: Thank Bridgid Cornell: And ⁓ it was expensive. The product would get on my sheets. Like if I were traveling, I would have to travel with like dark pillowcases to make sure that I didn't ruin someone's sheets. Imagine dating and navigating that with hair loss, because that was part of the time. You know, my 30s, I was single and dating. I remember one time ⁓ going in a hot tub with a date. Daiana: you Cassandra: Yeah. Daiana: Yeah. Bridgid Cornell: and my camouflage makeup started to run down my forehead. And I let him think that I had cut my head and that I was bleeding, rather than tell him that I am using this makeup on my head to camouflage my hair loss. The other thing about it is I would keep it on my head until I washed it off. So I wash my hair like every other day and I wouldn't let anybody see me. without the makeup on my head. I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror without the makeup on my head. By the time I got in my late 40s, there was so much, it just kept getting worse. It was like slow and progressive. And so by that time, I had to, have to, I chose to start wearing hair pieces because I was totally bald on top of my head, like a cue ball. Like there was no... hair there. I liken it to Dr. Phil's pattern of hair loss. He's totally bald on top of his head, but has hair on the back and sides. And that's what my hair is like today. So what I chose to do at that time was go to a salon that specialized in women's hair loss. Very expensive. Spent about a thousand dollars a month to have a hair piece glued to my head. you know, I remember when I was going to that salon, Daiana: Mmm. Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Daiana: and Hmm ⁓ Bridgid Cornell: they would remove the hairpiece and I would ask them to turn the chair around. I was in a private room and they had that because they were sensitive that the people that went to that salon were self-conscious. But if I saw myself in the mirror with my bald head, I'd start crying. I'd just lose it. ⁓ And that worked until it didn't work. I started to develop allergies to the different adhesives they were using to, because they would... attached the hair piece like once a month. And then you'd have this itchy hair piece on your head 24 seven that you couldn't take off. And I was always terrified that someone would guess that it was a hair piece that someone would know. I don't know why that's, that's just where I was. Then when I developed the allergies to the glue, that I was really concerned like, what am I going to do now? So I tried a clip on, you know, to pay, but I didn't have enough hair left to anchor it. Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Bridgid Cornell: and it didn't stay put. So what am gonna do now? ⁓ And it was at that point, I was about 50 years old, I decided I'm just gonna shave off what I have left, which wasn't very much. And so now, even though hair grows like around the sides, I'll show you, even though the hair grows, ⁓ around this part, I just shave it off. Daiana: Mm-hmm. Mm. Bridgid Cornell: I actually brought a little show and tell here. This is the razor I use. I do that because I think it's a better look, to be totally clean and bald. ⁓ ⁓ don't want look like Dr. Phil, no offense. ⁓ And it also helps my wig stay on better. See, I have silicone here and there and there, and it helps the wig stay on better. So I don't have to worry about my wig coming off. I know that's the subject of a lot of jokes, Daiana: Duh. Cassandra: I don't know. Daiana: No offense at Dr. Phil. It's like a grip. Cassandra: ⁓ wow. Daiana: Mm... Yeah. Bridgid Cornell: people losing their wig or, know, people make a lot of jokes about baldness. Not so much about women's baldness. We don't even talk about women's baldness. So at that point, I started wearing wigs full-time. ⁓ Daiana: Yeah. If you are listening to this story right now, I recommend that you go onto YouTube so that you can see the show and tell from Bridgid. Bridgid Cornell: ⁓ yeah. Cassandra: you Daiana: Thank you so much, Bridgid. as you're telling the story, I'm like going along with you. And the first thought was like, this is all consuming. Like from going to the doctor, so many doctor's appointments and the fear and what's gonna happen, how am I gonna live? What am I gonna do? How is this dating going to be for me? It's just every, it's ingrained in every single part of your day. ⁓ Bridgid Cornell: Absolutely. Absolutely. Daiana: for. Yeah. And it Cassandra: And for so many women, hair is identity. So it almost makes me wonder what it was like for you before versus what it was like for you during and then even what it's like for you now. Bridgid Cornell: Okay, well when I first transitioned to wearing wigs full-time, at first, the day I shaved off the hair, I felt free. Before I did that, I remember thinking, if I go totally bald, I think I would rather just die. Which sounds like hyperbole, but that's really how I felt. I would rather, maybe I'll just die before I go. Daiana: No. Bridgid Cornell: And I also didn't expect that I would go fully bald because I had doctors assure me that doesn't happen with women. You know, it's common for women to have thinning hair with this type of alopecia, but you won't go totally bald. Well, I did. It's totally bald here. I can still feel like little stubbles of hair around here. I'm sorry for the people that are on a podcast. can't see it, but... ⁓ Cassandra: Yeah. Daiana: you Go to YouTube. Bridgid Cornell: I didn't even want my husband at the time to see me without a wig. And I struggled with how am I going to go to work every day wearing a wig? And God forbid people can tell because one day my hair is like to here and the next day I've got this gorgeous, long, luxurious hair. Daiana: Hmm. Mm. Bridgid Cornell: I have a beautiful ⁓ human hair wig and it's really nice. It's very similar to the hair that I had growing up. My experience is a little different than people who grew up, lost their hair when they were kids because I used to have hair. I'd blow dry my hair, I'd go get a perm, I ⁓ could curl it and I still get to do that ⁓ because that's an important part of my identity as a woman, getting ready, putting on my makeup. Daiana: Thank Bridgid Cornell: and my outfit, but I've come to a place of acceptance about it. one of my hobbies ⁓ is to drag shows ⁓ and favorite ⁓ TV ⁓ show all time is RuPaul's Drag Race, which is a reality show where, there are 18 seasons now, ⁓ and drag queens ⁓ compete to be the ⁓ drag of the year. and I think of myself, this is how I deal with it now. I get up in the morning and I think of myself like I'm putting on my drag. I'm going, I go out into the world with all the confidence of a drag queen going out onto the runway. And my favorite drag queen is named Sasha Velour and I particularly like her because she is bald and she often performs without wearing a wig. Sometimes she wears a wig, but most of the time she performs bald and she just is an example of feminine gorgeousness without a wig. And that I find that very encouraging. Cassandra: These just gave me goosebumps. Like, that hit me in the feelings. Daiana: Same. I'm like, same. And it's amazing how a show ⁓ a lot people enjoy, I don't think anyone would associate that with alopecia and think like, this is helping people with alopecia in the world. ⁓ Bridgid Cornell: Aww. also a show that talks about people like feeling different, feeling unaccepted. They talk a lot about coming out and that's what I did. ⁓ So when started wearing wigs full-time, I went on social media and ⁓ I posted a picture myself without a and I said, ⁓ I'm coming out. And I just talked all my whole experience. then it opened up other opportunities because I got asked to speak. at an event, and I've spoken in public multiple times about my alopecia. And I always take my wig off because I am no longer ashamed of my bald head. I don't feel like I have to hide it. I don't feel like it's ugly. I can sit here on a podcast and I don't care who you show it to. I don't care who sees my bald head because we're all, you know, we're all bald underneath our hair, and RuPaul, you know, the Daiana: you Mm-hmm. Mmm. Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Daiana: Mm-hmm. Bridgid Cornell: creator of my favorite show always says, we're all born naked and the rest is drag. And it just helps me with my self-confidence. And that's part of why I like it. Yeah. Daiana: Yeah, and how was that for you? Yeah, absolutely. How was it for you to like, what was on your mind when you went online to share your story? Bridgid Cornell: what are people gonna think? And you know what? So many people reached out to me ⁓ and said, ⁓ either they were experiencing loss, maybe as severe as mine. And I tried to console them if they had the same type of hair loss as me. Like really, it's very rare for someone with this type of alopecia to go totally bald. I had a friend whose child had alopecia and I was able to help them. ⁓ I've talked to... ⁓ numerous women who lost their hair because they were going through chemotherapy and I helped them with wigs. I have about 50 wigs. I have like five main favorites that are in rotation that I wear, especially for work because I don't want my hair to look different from day to day. But I've given away wigs and just been able to help people. It'll be okay. I didn't think it would be okay. I thought I would rather die. I'm stronger than I thought I was. Daiana: You really are. And how did that shift your healing, Giving others, ⁓ knowing your story now has this other purpose. Bridgid Cornell: maybe showing that maybe there was some kind of a purpose. Because I believe in God and I talk to God regularly. And I used to say, know, why me? And then I kind of moved to a place of why not me? And maybe there's a reason, maybe I don't know the whole reasons, all the reasons of it, but it's not my job to question it. Life seems to go better if I just accept it. There are times where I still will feel sorry for myself, especially if I'm going through some challenges. Recently had knee replacement surgery, that we could have a big talk about that. And I remember having a particularly hard day, you know, with the pain and the physical therapy, and I would come back to, and I'm still freaking bald. And so sometimes I will think that, and I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself because... Daiana: you Bridgid Cornell: There are, I mean at one time I thought this was the worst thing that could happen to me was to go bald. But I do think there are much, much worse, more challenging things. Daiana: Mm-hmm. that brings to mind as well ⁓ how people are unsure of how to support someone going through ⁓ what you just there was it's a strategy called comparison that only if you do it for yourself. Like, ⁓ it could be worse. It feels good and it feels affirming, but to hear it from someone else is not. If someone else tells you, it could be worse. It is Bridgid Cornell: Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Daiana: I mean, it's a dagger. How was that experience for you of the support in quotes that you received or didn't receive from people? Cassandra: completely invalidating. Bridgid Cornell: Yeah, I would say some tips if you have a loved one who's dealing with hair loss. Unsolicited advice, which I've been guilty of giving other people. ⁓ lot of folks trying to be helpful and tell me stories of someone they knew ⁓ ⁓ had alopecia, but they did this, this, and this. I ⁓ had someone suggest that I had somehow displeased God and that God had cursed me. I never really took that to heart. ⁓ Suggestions that if I had managed my stress better or I more protein or I stopped eating so much junk food, stopped eating so much period, ⁓ maybe I wouldn't have lost my hair. And that is not helpful. I've also, yeah, I also had a friend one time had a really bad haircut and she was crying about it and she called me and I was... Cassandra: except it made it your fault somehow. Bridgid Cornell: Shocked, like of all the people you could call. This wasn't my best friend, this was a good friend, but really you're calling me about your bad haircut. I would love to have a bad haircut. I would love to have my hair grow back. So that's not helpful. And yeah, to say it could be worse or it's just hair or oh, it's so cool. You get to rock your bald head. I think bald women are beautiful. Well, I would rather have hair, you know, if I had the choice, but it's not up to me. I didn't choose this. Daiana: Mm-hmm. It all comes down to that. Bridgid Cornell: I accept it and try to follow God's will for my life. This is the courage I have been dealt. Cassandra: I'm also curious if you find that people often make ⁓ assumptions about it. Bridgid Cornell: Yes, glad you brought that up. So people, I'll be 61 at the end of this month, and people usually assume that I have cancer if I go out in public, which I have done before, just to make a statement and just to sort of desensitize myself. I mean, one time I went out and sang karaoke without anything on my head. And I annually post an alopecia awareness. Daiana: I love that. Bridgid Cornell: picture every year because September is alopecia awareness month and When I used to belong to Planet Fitness I started wearing a wig when I first went and then when I stopped because it's hot it's you know, it is it's not as comfortable as having nothing on your head ⁓ I would have people come up and Assume I had cancer and want to talk about their loved one who had cancer and was losing their hair. So ⁓ For that reason I don't wear I don't Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Bridgid Cornell: go out in public bald very often, especially at work. In my work as a nurse, I'm there to take care of them and serve them. And it draws focus. I mean, if a man goes out in public bald, nobody bats an eye. But if a woman goes out in public and doesn't have any hair, you do catch attention. And then it would draw the focus to me and why am I bald and am I okay? So I just wear wigs, especially at work. I've never gone to work bald and I wouldn't for that reason. Cassandra: Mm-hmm. We had touched on with the disenfranchised grief the idea of the loss of safety in your own body in the morning of the pre-diagnostic self. And I know we kind of glazed over that a little bit. I was just wondering if you had anything that you wanted to share regarding that because it was such a huge shift. I know you said that when you were growing up you had hair and then suddenly ⁓ Bridgid Cornell: Yes. Cassandra: we were put in a position where we were impending not to. that ⁓ did you soothe yourself? did you comfort yourself? How did you, ⁓ what did do to handle that? Bridgid Cornell: It was, the camouflaging made me feel safe. You know, and having a really gorgeous wig made me feel safe. ⁓ Without hair, I used to feel not feminine. Like, was I a real woman? Was there something? And I did have my hormones checked and that wasn't the cause of my hair loss, but I worried about that. That was really difficult ⁓ with dating. So the husband that I was married to ⁓ at the time that I went. Cassandra: Okay. Bridgid Cornell: to wear wigs full time, so he knew about it, because he was kind of with me through the whole journey. But then we got divorced, and in 2016, I met the man I'm married to now. And when we first started dating, I didn't lead with, this is a wig. In fact, he would compliment me on, oh, you have such beautiful hair. And I oh, thank you. But I thought, I gotta tell him at some point, this is starting to get more serious. And I sent him... a link to a talk that I had made about alopecia. And I emailed it to him and I called him and I said, you need to watch this email, this video, and it's a talk that I gave and let me know if you still wanna go out with me. And I sat there holding my breath thinking that maybe he wouldn't want to, but he called me and he was in tears and he said, that was beautiful and you're beautiful and you don't have to wear a wig around me and I don't. when I get home, the first thing that comes off. So it used to make me feel safe and now it's just like my drag. I'm taking off my earrings, I'm taking off the bra and in the wig and just being comfortable. And I don't ever feel like I have to put on a wig to look pretty for my husband or even for myself anymore. That's huge. I didn't think I'd ever get there. That's more than acceptance. That's like actually embracing it. Cassandra: Mm-hmm. Daiana: Mm-hmm. Cassandra: Yeah. Daiana: Yeah, to be loved and accepted for who you are completely from someone else, it's start bridging that gap of, this person loves and accepts me exactly this way, ⁓ can that help now get there as well? Yeah. And as we wrap up today's conversation, we're going to move on to our favorite part of the show, the living loss lessons. This is where we bridge everything that we've talked about with a tangible takeaway that you can use right now. Cassandra: So these lessons aren't about fixing the pain, but it's about finding a way to carry it. Sometimes it's a tool to practice, other times it's reflecting on the meaning you've built from a loss you never asked for. It's the strength that you've gained even in the midst of all of the hard stuff. Daiana: Yeah, you have shared so much of your heart today, Brigid. I am so moved at Beyond Words. And before we go, ⁓ if there's one living loss lesson that you've learned from this journey that our listeners can hold on to this week, what would that be? Bridgid Cornell: I have to stick to just one? I actually have three. I thought about this. I knew you'd be asking me. So I am stronger than I thought I was and I can do hard things. And there are other things that come up in my life and I think, ⁓ there's no way I can live through this. I point back to, yeah, but here I am and I'm still bald. I'm still living my good life. It's given me a greater empathy for people. Daiana: No. ⁓ beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah. Cassandra: Nope. The more the merrier. Bridgid Cornell: whatever their physical difference. I think we're all bald in one way or another. We have something that makes us feel different, like we gotta hide. And it's given me more empathy. And also by coming out publicly about my alopecia, it has given me like a platform and a way to connect with other people. It's an opening to help other people. And isn't that what life is all about? Daiana: So that's really powerful that ⁓ that all of these decades ⁓ you have been carrying this with you, ⁓ much as you thought it was going to bring you down and like you said ⁓ times, I never thought I would get here. I never thought I would accept myself and love myself. And I think that that is so important for all of us because like you said, we all have something. We all have something that makes us feel different. that we feel hopeless, we feel like ⁓ there's, what's point of living if this is my reality? Bridgid Cornell: Sure never thought I'd be on a podcast. It's gonna be on the internet. It's on the internet, it's forever. Sure never thought I would be able to do that, that I would be looking forward to it. Daiana: talking about. Yeah, yeah. Cassandra: and they might not hope. And the amount of hope that you shared and that you bring to other people and that you're willing to share your message and your experience is just astronomically huge. So thank you so much. I love that you reach out to others and you support others and you walk with others through this journey that you, it sounds like for a long period of time, you had to walk through on your own and nobody else has to be alone like that. Daiana: Nobody should. Bridgid Cornell: Nope. Nope. I wish I had come out about it sooner, frankly. Yeah. Daiana: And that piece about empathy. I don't even have words to say how much we need that in our world today. How much, how much we need to acknowledge that as much as we're carrying that other people are too. And grief is not something to compare who has the biggest grief, know, who has the biggest hardship, who has the most shame. is, it's not a competition. And Bridgid Cornell: We sure do. ⁓ Right. Daiana: it feels like it is, right? And that's the reason that we hold it in because this is much smaller than the bigger things going on. But to have empathy, to know that if someone is behaving in a certain way, just to give them a little bit of benefit of the doubt, they must, you know, they might be going through something. I can imagine. Bridgid Cornell: Right. 100%. Daiana: that I think that that's such an important message ⁓ all time, but especially today. Thank you so much. And thank you to our listeners for a part of our circle today. Remember by sharing this episode, you are helping us reach someone else who's carrying their loss in silence. Let's keep growing this community together. Subscribe, follow, share, and know that your story matters. Cassandra: And just as a reminder, this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes. we are therapists, we are not your therapists, and this does not replace professional mental health care. ⁓ you feel like you'd like to speak to someone in your area, please reach out to a professional near you. Thanks again, Bridgid. ⁓ I still have goosebumps. ⁓ Daiana: I know, me too. Bridgid Cornell: Thanks for having me.