Latest / Philosophy and Faith / 08 - By The River - Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse
Transcript
- 0:00Speaker 1: Chapter eight. By the river, Sir Arthur walked through the forest,
- 0:06Speaker 1: was already far from the city, and knew nothing but
- 0:09Speaker 1: that one thing, that there was no going back for him,
- 0:14Speaker 1: that this life as he had lived it for many
- 0:17Speaker 1: years until now was over and done away with, and
- 0:21Speaker 1: that he had tasted all of it, sucked everything out
- 0:25Speaker 1: of it until he was disgusted with it. Dead was
- 0:30Speaker 1: the singing bird he had dreamt of. Dead was the
- 0:33Speaker 1: bird in his heart. Deeply he had been entangled in Sansara.
- 0:39Speaker 1: He had sucked up disgust and death from all sides
- 0:43Speaker 1: into his body, like a sponge that sucks up water
- 0:47Speaker 1: until it is full and full. He was full of
- 0:51Speaker 1: the feeling of being sick of it, full of misery,
- 0:56Speaker 1: full of death. There was nothing left in this world
- 1:00Speaker 1: which could have attracted him, given him joy, given him comfort. Passionately,
- 1:06Speaker 1: he wished to know nothing about himself any more, to
- 1:09Speaker 1: have rest, to be dead. If there was only a
- 1:14Speaker 1: lightning bolt to strike him dead, if there was only
- 1:17Speaker 1: a tiger to devour him, if there was only a wine,
- 1:21Speaker 1: a poison which could numb his senses, bring him forgetfulness
- 1:25Speaker 1: and sleep, and no awakening from that? Was there still
- 1:31Speaker 1: any kind of filth. He had not soiled himself with
- 1:35Speaker 1: a sin or foolish act. He had not committed a
- 1:38Speaker 1: dreariness of the soul. He had not brought upon himself.
- 1:43Speaker 1: Was it still at all possible to be alive? Was
- 1:47Speaker 1: it possible to breathe in again and again, to breathe out,
- 1:52Speaker 1: to feel hunger, to eat again, to sleep again, to
- 1:56Speaker 1: sleep with a woman again? Was this cycle not again
- 2:00Speaker 1: exhausted and brought to a conclusion for him? Sir Arthur
- 2:05Speaker 1: reached the large river in the forest, the same river
- 2:08Speaker 1: over which, a long time ago, when he had still
- 2:11Speaker 1: been a young man and came from the town of Gautama,
- 2:15Speaker 1: the ferryman had conducted him by this river. He stopped hesitatingly.
- 2:21Speaker 1: He stood at the bank. Tiredness and hunger had weakened him.
- 2:26Speaker 1: And whatever he should walk on, wherever to, to whichever goal, No,
- 2:33Speaker 1: there were no more goals. There was nothing left but
- 2:36Speaker 1: the deep, painful yearning to shake off this whole desolate dream,
- 2:42Speaker 1: to spit out this stale wine, to put an end
- 2:45Speaker 1: to this miserable and shameful life. A hang bent over
- 2:51Speaker 1: the bank of the river, a cocoanut tree. Sir Arthur
- 2:55Speaker 1: leaned against its trunk with his shoulder, embraced the trunk
- 2:59Speaker 1: with one arm, and looked down into the green water
- 3:02Speaker 1: which ran and ran under him. Looked down and found
- 3:05Speaker 1: himself to be entirely filled with the wish to go
- 3:09Speaker 1: and to drown in these waters. A frightening emptiness was
- 3:14Speaker 1: reflected back at him by the water, answering to the
- 3:17Speaker 1: terrible emptiness in his soul. Yes, he had reached the end.
- 3:23Speaker 1: There was nothing left for him except to annihilate himself,
- 3:27Speaker 1: except to smash the failure into which he had shaped
- 3:30Speaker 1: his life, to throw it away before the feet of
- 3:33Speaker 1: mockingly laughing gods. This was the great vomiting he had
- 3:39Speaker 1: longed for, death, the smashing to bits of the form
- 3:43Speaker 1: he hated. Let him be food for fishes, this dog,
- 3:47Speaker 1: said Arthur, this lunatic, this depraved and rotten body, this
- 3:52Speaker 1: weakened and abused soul. Let him be food for fishes
- 3:56Speaker 1: and crocodiles. Let him be chopped to bits by the demons.
- 4:02Speaker 1: With a distorted face, he stared into the water, saw
- 4:06Speaker 1: the reflection of his face, and spit at it. In
- 4:10Speaker 1: deep tiredness, he took his arm away from the trunk
- 4:13Speaker 1: of the tree and turned a bit in order to
- 4:15Speaker 1: let himself fall straight down, in order to finally drown.
- 4:20Speaker 1: With his eyes closed, he slipped towards death. Then, out
- 4:26Speaker 1: of remote areas of his soul, out of past times
- 4:30Speaker 1: of his now weary life, a sound stirred up. It
- 4:35Speaker 1: was a word, a syllable, which he, without thinking, with
- 4:40Speaker 1: a slurred voice, spoke to himself, the old word, which
- 4:45Speaker 1: is the beginning and the end of all prayers of
- 4:48Speaker 1: the Brahmans, the holy Olm, which roughly means that what
- 4:54Speaker 1: is perfect or the completion. And in the moment when
- 5:00Speaker 1: the sound of Olm touched Siddarthur's ear, his dormant spirit
- 5:05Speaker 1: suddenly woke up and realized the foolishness of his actions.
- 5:10Speaker 1: Sir Arthur was deeply shocked. So this was how things
- 5:15Speaker 1: were with him? So doomed was he, so much? Had
- 5:18Speaker 1: he lost his way and was forsaken by all knowledge?
- 5:22Speaker 1: That he had been able to seek death, That this wish,
- 5:26Speaker 1: this wish of a child, had been able to grow
- 5:29Speaker 1: up in him, to find rest by annihilating his body.
- 5:35Speaker 1: What all agony of these recent times, all sobering realizations,
- 5:41Speaker 1: all desperation, had not brought about. This was brought on
- 5:46Speaker 1: by this moment. When the Olm entered his consciousness, he
- 5:51Speaker 1: became aware of himself, in his misery and in his error, Olm.
- 5:58Speaker 1: He spoke to himself Olm, and again he knew about Brahman,
- 6:04Speaker 1: knew about the indestructibility of life, knew about all that
- 6:08Speaker 1: is divine, which he had forgotten. But this was only
- 6:13Speaker 1: a moment flash By the foot of the cocoanut tree,
- 6:17Speaker 1: Sir Arthur collapsed, struck down by tiredness, mumbling, Olm placed
- 6:24Speaker 1: his head on the root of the tree and fell
- 6:27Speaker 1: into a deep sleep. Deep was his sleep, and without dreams.
- 6:34Speaker 1: For a long time he had not known such a
- 6:36Speaker 1: sleep any more. When he woke up after many hours,
- 6:41Speaker 1: he felt as if ten years had passed. He heard
- 6:44Speaker 1: the water quietly flowing, did not know where he was
- 6:49Speaker 1: and who had brought him there. Opened his eyes, saw
- 6:53Speaker 1: with astonishment that there were trees and the sky above him,
- 6:58Speaker 1: and he remembered where he was and how he got there.
- 7:03Speaker 1: But it took him a long while for this, and
- 7:05Speaker 1: the past seemed to him as if it had been
- 7:08Speaker 1: covered by a veil. Infinitely distant, infinitely far away, infinitely meaningless.
- 7:17Speaker 1: He only knew that his previous life in the first
- 7:21Speaker 1: moment when he thought about it, this past life seemed
- 7:24Speaker 1: to him like a very old previous incarnation, like an
- 7:28Speaker 1: early pre birth of his present self. That this previous
- 7:33Speaker 1: life had been abandoned by him, that full of disgust
- 7:38Speaker 1: and wretchedness, he had even intended to throw his life away.
- 7:43Speaker 1: But that by a river under a cocoanut tree, he
- 7:47Speaker 1: has come to his senses the holy word Om on
- 7:51Speaker 1: his lips, that he had fallen asleep and had now
- 7:54Speaker 1: woken up, and was looking at the world as a
- 7:57Speaker 1: new man. Quietly, he spoke the word Om to himself,
- 8:04Speaker 1: speaking which he had fallen asleep. And it seemed to
- 8:08Speaker 1: him as if his entire long sleep had been nothing
- 8:11Speaker 1: but a long meditative recitation of Om, a thinking of Om,
- 8:17Speaker 1: a submergence and complete entering into Olm, into the nameless,
- 8:22Speaker 1: the perfected. What a wonderful sleep? Had this been? Never before?
- 8:30Speaker 1: By sleep? He had been thus refreshed, thus renewed, thus rejuvenated.
- 8:37Speaker 1: Perhaps he had really died, had drowned, and was reborn
- 8:41Speaker 1: in a new body. But no, he knew himself. He
- 8:46Speaker 1: knew his hand at his feet knew the place where
- 8:49Speaker 1: he lay, knew this self in his chest. This Saddarthur,
- 8:54Speaker 1: the eccentric, the weird one. But this Saiddartha was nevertheless
- 8:59Speaker 1: transform armed, was renewed, was strangely well rested, strangely awake, joyful,
- 9:06Speaker 1: and curious. Sadd Arthur straightened up. Then he saw a
- 9:11Speaker 1: person sitting opposite to him, an unknown man, a monk
- 9:16Speaker 1: in a yellow robe with a shaven head, sitting in
- 9:19Speaker 1: the position of pondering. He observed the man who had
- 9:24Speaker 1: neither hair on his head nor a beard, and he
- 9:27Speaker 1: had not observed him for long when he recognized this
- 9:30Speaker 1: monk as Govinda, the friend of his youth, Govinda, who
- 9:35Speaker 1: had taken his refuge with the exalted Buddha. Govinda had
- 9:40Speaker 1: aged he too, but still his face bore the same features,
- 9:45Speaker 1: expressed zeal, faithfulness, searching, timidness. But when Govinda, now sensing
- 9:53Speaker 1: his gaze, opened his eyes and looked at him, Saddarthur
- 9:58Speaker 1: saw that Govinda did not RECOGNI him. Govinda was happy
- 10:02Speaker 1: to find him awake. Apparently he had been sitting here
- 10:06Speaker 1: for a long time and had been waiting for him
- 10:08Speaker 1: to wake up, though he did not know him. I
- 10:12Speaker 1: have been sleeping, said Sir Arthur. However did you get
- 10:16Speaker 1: here you have been sleeping, answered Govinda. It is not
- 10:21Speaker 1: good to be sleeping in such places where snakes often
- 10:25Speaker 1: are and the animals of the forest have their paths. I, oh, sir,
- 10:30Speaker 1: am a follower of the Exalted Gautama, the Buddha, the
- 10:33Speaker 1: Sakya Mundi, and have been on a pilgrimage together with
- 10:37Speaker 1: several of us on this path. When I saw you
- 10:40Speaker 1: lying and sleeping in a place where it is dangerous
- 10:42Speaker 1: to sleep. Therefore, I sought to wake you up, oh sir,
- 10:47Speaker 1: And since I saw that your sleep was very deep,
- 10:50Speaker 1: I strayed behind from my group and sat with you.
- 10:53Speaker 1: And then so it seems I have fallen asleep myself,
- 10:57Speaker 1: I who wanted to guard your sleep badly, I have
- 11:01Speaker 1: served you. Tiredness has overwhelmed me. And now that you're awake,
- 11:06Speaker 1: let me go catch up with my brothers. I thank
- 11:11Speaker 1: you Somana for watching out over my sleep, spoke Sir Arthur,
- 11:15Speaker 1: your friendly you followers of the Exalted One. Now you
- 11:19Speaker 1: may go, Then I'm going, sir. May you, sir, always
- 11:24Speaker 1: be in good health. I thank you, Somana. Govinda made
- 11:29Speaker 1: the gesture of a salutation and said farewell. Farewell, Govinda,
- 11:35Speaker 1: said Sir Arthur. The monk stopped. Permit me to ask, Sir,
- 11:41Speaker 1: from where do you know my name? Now? Said Arthur smiled.
- 11:46Speaker 1: I know you, oh Govinda, from your father's hut, and
- 11:50Speaker 1: from the school of the Brahmans, and from the offerings,
- 11:54Speaker 1: and from our walk to the Somanas, and from that
- 11:57Speaker 1: hour when you took your refuge with the Exalted One
- 12:01Speaker 1: in the grove Jettavannah, your sir, Darthur, Govinda exclaimed loudly.
- 12:07Speaker 1: Now I'm recognizing you, and don't comprehend any more how
- 12:11Speaker 1: I couldn't recognize you right away. Be welcome, said Arthur.
- 12:16Speaker 1: My joy is great to see you again. It also
- 12:21Speaker 1: gives me joy to see you again. You've been the
- 12:24Speaker 1: guard of my sleep again. I thank you for this,
- 12:29Speaker 1: though I wouldn't have required any guard. Where are you
- 12:32Speaker 1: going to, oh friend, I am going nowhere. We monks
- 12:38Speaker 1: are always traveling, whenever it is not the rainy season.
- 12:42Speaker 1: We always move from one place to another, live a
- 12:45Speaker 1: calling to the rules of the teachings passed on to
- 12:48Speaker 1: us except alms move on. It is always like this.
- 12:53Speaker 1: But you, said Arthur, where are you going to quoth,
- 12:58Speaker 1: said Arthur. It is as it is with you. I
- 13:01Speaker 1: am going nowhere. I'm just traveling. I am on a pilgrimage.
- 13:07Speaker 1: Govinda spoke. You're saying you're on a pilgrimage, and I
- 13:12Speaker 1: believe in you. But forgive me, oh, said Arthur, you
- 13:16Speaker 1: do not look like a pilgrim. You're wearing a rich
- 13:19Speaker 1: man's garments. You're wearing the shoes of a distinguished gentleman.
- 13:23Speaker 1: And your hair and the fragrance of perfume is not
- 13:27Speaker 1: a pilgrim's hair, nor the hair of a somana. Right, So,
- 13:32Speaker 1: my dear you who observed, well, your keen eyes see everything.
- 13:37Speaker 1: But I haven't said to you that I was a Samana.
- 13:40Speaker 1: I said, I'm on a pilgrimage, and so it is.
- 13:44Speaker 1: I'm on a pilgrimage. You're on a pilgrimage, said Govinda.
- 13:49Speaker 1: But few would go on a pilgrimage in such clothes,
- 13:53Speaker 1: few in such shoes, few with such hair. Never I
- 13:58Speaker 1: have met such a pilgrim, being a pilgrim myself for
- 14:01Speaker 1: many years, I believe you, my dear Govinda, But now
- 14:06Speaker 1: to day you've met a pilgrim just like this, wearing
- 14:10Speaker 1: such shoes, such a garment, Remember, my dear, Not eternal
- 14:16Speaker 1: is the world of appearances, not eternal anything but eternal
- 14:21Speaker 1: our our garments, and the style of our hair, and
- 14:24Speaker 1: our hair, and our bodies themselves. I'm wearing a rich
- 14:28Speaker 1: man's clothes. You've seen this, quite right. I'm wearing them
- 14:33Speaker 1: because I have been a rich man. And I'm wearing
- 14:36Speaker 1: my hair like the worldly and lustful people, because I
- 14:40Speaker 1: have been one of them. And now, said Arthur, what
- 14:44Speaker 1: are you now? I don't know it. I don't know it,
- 14:50Speaker 1: just like you, I'm traveling. I was a rich man
- 14:54Speaker 1: and am no rich man any more. And what i'll
- 14:58Speaker 1: be to morrow, I don't know. You've lost your riches,
- 15:04Speaker 1: I've lost them, or they me they somehow happened to
- 15:09Speaker 1: slip away from me. The wheel of physical manifestations is
- 15:14Speaker 1: turning quickly, Govinda. Where is Saddarthur the Brahman. Where is
- 15:19Speaker 1: Siddartha the Samana? Where is Saddartha the rich Man? None?
- 15:24Speaker 1: Eternal things change quickly, Govinda, you know it. Govinda looked
- 15:30Speaker 1: at the friend of his youth for a long time
- 15:32Speaker 1: with doubt in his eyes. After that, he gave him
- 15:36Speaker 1: the salutation which one would use on a gentleman, and
- 15:40Speaker 1: went on his way with a smiling face. Saddarthur watched
- 15:45Speaker 1: him leave. He loved him still, this faithful man, this
- 15:49Speaker 1: fearful man. And how could he not have loved everybody
- 15:53Speaker 1: and everything in this moment, in the glorious hour after
- 15:57Speaker 1: his wonderful sleep, filled with the enchantment which had happened
- 16:03Speaker 1: inside of him in his sleep, and by means of
- 16:05Speaker 1: the olm, was this very thing that he loved everything,
- 16:10Speaker 1: that he was full of joyful love for everything he saw.
- 16:15Speaker 1: And it was this very thing. So it seemed to
- 16:18Speaker 1: him now, which had been his sickness before, that he
- 16:21Speaker 1: was not able to love anybody or anything. With a
- 16:26Speaker 1: smiling face, Sir Arthur watched the leaving monk. The sleep
- 16:31Speaker 1: had strengthened him much, but hunger gave him much pain.
- 16:35Speaker 1: For now he had not eaten for two days, and
- 16:38Speaker 1: the times were long past when he had been tough
- 16:40Speaker 1: against hunger. With sadness, and yet also with a smile,
- 16:46Speaker 1: he thought of that time in those days, so he
- 16:49Speaker 1: remembered he had boasted of three things to Kamala, had
- 16:53Speaker 1: been able to do three noble and undefeatable feats fasting, waiting, thinking.
- 17:03Speaker 1: These had been his possession, his power and strength, his
- 17:07Speaker 1: solid staff. In the busy, laborious years of his youth.
- 17:12Speaker 1: He had learned these three feats, nothing else, and now
- 17:17Speaker 1: they had abandoned him. None of them was his any more,
- 17:21Speaker 1: neither fasting nor waiting, nor thinking for the most wretched things.
- 17:27Speaker 1: He had given them up for what fades most quickly,
- 17:32Speaker 1: for sensual lust, for the good life, for riches. His
- 17:38Speaker 1: life had indeed been strange, and now so it seemed,
- 17:42Speaker 1: now he had really become a childlike person. Sir Arthur
- 17:48Speaker 1: thought about his situation. Thinking was hard on him. He
- 17:53Speaker 1: did not really feel like it, but he forced himself. Now,
- 17:58Speaker 1: he thought, since all these most easily perishing things have
- 18:03Speaker 1: slipped from me again. Now I'm standing here under the
- 18:06Speaker 1: sun again, just as I have been standing here a
- 18:09Speaker 1: little child. Nothing is mine. I have no abilities, there
- 18:14Speaker 1: is nothing I could bring about. I have learned nothing.
- 18:19Speaker 1: How wondrous is this now that I am no longer young,
- 18:23Speaker 1: that my hair is already half gray, that my strength
- 18:27Speaker 1: is fading. Now I'm starting again at the beginning, and
- 18:31Speaker 1: as a child again. He had to smile. Yes, his
- 18:36Speaker 1: fate had been strange, things were going downhill with him,
- 18:41Speaker 1: and now he was again facing the world, void and
- 18:44Speaker 1: naked and stupid. But he could not feel sad about this. No,
- 18:49Speaker 1: he even felt a great urge to laugh, to laugh
- 18:53Speaker 1: about himself, to laugh about this strange, foolish world. Going
- 19:00Speaker 1: downhill with you, he said to himself, and laughed about it.
- 19:05Speaker 1: And as he was saying it, he happened to glance
- 19:08Speaker 1: at the river, and he also saw the river was
- 19:11Speaker 1: going downhill. All was moving on downhill, and singing and
- 19:16Speaker 1: being happy through it all. He liked this well. Kindly,
- 19:21Speaker 1: he smiled at the river. Was this not the river
- 19:26Speaker 1: in which he had intended to drown himself in past
- 19:29Speaker 1: times a hundred years ago? Or had he dreamed? This? Wondrous?
- 19:35Speaker 1: Indeed was my life? So he thought, wondrous detours? Has
- 19:39Speaker 1: it taken? As a boy? I had only to do
- 19:43Speaker 1: with gods and offerings? As a youth, I had only
- 19:46Speaker 1: to do with asceticism, with thinking, a meditation was searching
- 19:51Speaker 1: for Brahman worshiped the eternal in the Utman. But as
- 19:55Speaker 1: a young man I followed the penitents, lived in the forest,
- 20:00Speaker 1: suffered of heat and frost, learned to hunger, taught my
- 20:04Speaker 1: body to become dead. Wonderfully. Soon afterwards, insight came towards
- 20:11Speaker 1: me in the form of the Great Buddha's teachings. I
- 20:14Speaker 1: felt the knowledge of the oneness of the world circling
- 20:18Speaker 1: in me like my own blood. But I also had
- 20:21Speaker 1: to leave Buddha and the great knowledge. I went and
- 20:25Speaker 1: learned the art of love with Kamala, learned trading with Kamaswami,
- 20:31Speaker 1: piled up money, wasted money, learned to love my stomach,
- 20:36Speaker 1: learned to please my senses. I had to spend many
- 20:40Speaker 1: years losing my spirit, to unlearn thinking again, to forget
- 20:45Speaker 1: the oneness. Isn't it just as if I had turned
- 20:50Speaker 1: slowly and on a long detour from a man into
- 20:54Speaker 1: a child, from a thinker into a childlike person? And
- 20:59Speaker 1: yet yet this path has been very good, and yet
- 21:03Speaker 1: the bird in my chest has not died. But what
- 21:07Speaker 1: a path has this been. I had to pass through
- 21:11Speaker 1: so much stupidity, through so much vices, through so many errors,
- 21:17Speaker 1: through so much disgust and disappointments and woe, just to
- 21:21Speaker 1: become a child again and to be able to start over.
- 21:25Speaker 1: But it was right, So my heart says yes to it.
- 21:29Speaker 1: My eyes smile to it. I've had to experience despair.
- 21:34Speaker 1: I've had to sink down to the most foolish one
- 21:37Speaker 1: of all thoughts, to the thought of suicide. In order
- 21:41Speaker 1: to be able to experience divine grace, to hear Om again,
- 21:47Speaker 1: to be able to sleep properly and to awake properly again,
- 21:52Speaker 1: I had to become a fool to find utman in
- 21:55Speaker 1: me again. I had to sin to be able to
- 21:58Speaker 1: live again. Where else might my path lead me to?
- 22:04Speaker 1: It is foolish, this path. It moves in loops. Perhaps
- 22:08Speaker 1: it is going around in a circle. Let it go
- 22:12Speaker 1: as it likes. I want to take it wonderfully. He
- 22:17Speaker 1: felt joy rolling like waves in his chest. Where ever, from,
- 22:23Speaker 1: he asked his heart, Where did you get this happiness?
- 22:28Speaker 1: Might it come from that long good sleep which has
- 22:31Speaker 1: done me so good? Or from the word Om which
- 22:35Speaker 1: I said, Or from the fact that I have escaped,
- 22:38Speaker 1: that I have completely fled, that I am finally free
- 22:42Speaker 1: again and am standing like a child under the sky. Oh,
- 22:47Speaker 1: how good it is to have fled, to have become free.
- 22:52Speaker 1: How clean and beautiful is the air here? How good
- 22:56Speaker 1: to breathe there? Where I ran away from there, everything
- 23:01Speaker 1: smelled of ointment, of spices, of wine, of excess of sloth.
- 23:09Speaker 1: How did I hate this world of the rich, of
- 23:12Speaker 1: those who revel in fine food, of the gamblers? How
- 23:16Speaker 1: did I hate myself for staying in this terrible world
- 23:20Speaker 1: for so long? How did I hate myself? Have deprived, poisoned,
- 23:26Speaker 1: tortured myself, have made myself old and evil? No, never
- 23:33Speaker 1: again I will, as I used to like doing so much,
- 23:37Speaker 1: delude myself into thinking that Siddarthur was wise. But this
- 23:42Speaker 1: one thing I have done well. This I like. This,
- 23:46Speaker 1: I must praise. But there is now an end to
- 23:51Speaker 1: that hatred against myself, to that foolish and dreary life.
- 23:56Speaker 1: I praise you, said Arthur, after so many years of foolishness,
- 24:01Speaker 1: you have once again had an idea, have done something,
- 24:07Speaker 1: have heard the bird in your chest singing, and have
- 24:10Speaker 1: followed it. Thus he praised himself, found joy in himself,
- 24:17Speaker 1: listened curiously to his stomach, which was rumbling with hunger.
- 24:22Speaker 1: He had now so he felt, in those recent times
- 24:25Speaker 1: and days, completely tasted and spit out, devoured up to
- 24:30Speaker 1: the point of desperation and death. A piece of suffering,
- 24:34Speaker 1: a piece of misery like this, It was good for
- 24:40Speaker 1: much longer. He could have stayed with Kamaswami, made money,
- 24:45Speaker 1: wasted money, filled his stomach, and let his soul die
- 24:49Speaker 1: of thirst for much longer. He could have lived in
- 24:53Speaker 1: this soft, well upholstered hell if this had not happened,
- 24:58Speaker 1: the moment of complete hopelessness and despair, that most extreme moment,
- 25:04Speaker 1: when he hung over the rushing waters and was ready
- 25:08Speaker 1: to destroy himself. That he had felt this despair, this
- 25:12Speaker 1: deep disgust, that he had not succumbed to it. That
- 25:16Speaker 1: the bird, the joyful source and voice in him, was
- 25:20Speaker 1: still alive after all. This was why he felt joy,
- 25:24Speaker 1: This was why he laughed, This was why his face
- 25:28Speaker 1: was smiling brightly under his hair, which had turned gray.
- 25:34Speaker 1: It is good, he thought, to get a taste of
- 25:37Speaker 1: everything for oneself, which one needs to know. That lust
- 25:42Speaker 1: for the world and riches do not belong to the
- 25:44Speaker 1: good things. I have already learned as a child. I
- 25:48Speaker 1: have known it for a long time, but I have
- 25:51Speaker 1: experienced only now, and now I know it. Don't just
- 25:56Speaker 1: know it in my memory, but in my eyes, in
- 25:59Speaker 1: my art, in my stomach. Good for me to know this.
- 26:05Speaker 1: For a long time, he pondered his transformation listened to
- 26:09Speaker 1: the bird as it sang for joy. Had not this
- 26:13Speaker 1: bird died in him? Had he not felt his death? No,
- 26:19Speaker 1: something else from within him had died, something which already,
- 26:23Speaker 1: for a long time had yearned to die. Was it
- 26:27Speaker 1: not this what he intended to kill in his ardent
- 26:30Speaker 1: years as a penitent? Was it not his self, his small,
- 26:35Speaker 1: frightened and proud self he had wrestled with for so
- 26:39Speaker 1: many years, which had defeated him again and again, which
- 26:43Speaker 1: was back again after every killing prohibited joy felt fear.
- 26:50Speaker 1: Was it not this which to day had finally come
- 26:53Speaker 1: to its death here in the forest, by this lovely river.
- 26:59Speaker 1: Was not due to this death that he was now
- 27:03Speaker 1: like a child, so full of trust, so without fear,
- 27:08Speaker 1: so full of joy. Now Saddartha also got some idea
- 27:13Speaker 1: of why he had fought this self in vain as
- 27:16Speaker 1: a Brahman, as a penitent. Too much knowledge had held
- 27:21Speaker 1: him back, too many holy verses, too many sacrificial rules,
- 27:26Speaker 1: too much self castigation, so much doing and striving for
- 27:32Speaker 1: that goal. Full of arrogance he had been. All was
- 27:37Speaker 1: the smartest, always working the most, always one step ahead
- 27:42Speaker 1: of all others. All was the knowing and spiritual one
- 27:46Speaker 1: all was the priest or wise one into being a priest,
- 27:51Speaker 1: into this arrogance, into this spirituality his self had retreated.
- 27:57Speaker 1: There it sat firmly and grew. While he thought he
- 28:01Speaker 1: would kill it by fasting and penance. Now he saw it,
- 28:06Speaker 1: and saw the secret voice had been right, that no
- 28:11Speaker 1: teacher would ever have been able to bring about his salvation.
- 28:15Speaker 1: Therefore he had to go out into the world, lose
- 28:19Speaker 1: himself to lust and power to women and money, had
- 28:23Speaker 1: to become a merchant, a dice gambler, a drinker, and
- 28:28Speaker 1: a greedy person until the priest and Samana in him
- 28:32Speaker 1: was dead. Therefore he had to continue bearing these ugly years,
- 28:38Speaker 1: bearing the disgust, the teachings, the pointlessness of a dreary
- 28:43Speaker 1: and wasted life, up to the end, up to bitter despair,
- 28:48Speaker 1: until said Darthur, the lustful, Sir, Darthur the greedy, could
- 28:52Speaker 1: also die. He had died, a new sir Arthur had
- 28:58Speaker 1: woken up from the sleep. He would also grow old.
- 29:01Speaker 1: He would also eventually have to die. Mortal, was said Arthur.
- 29:07Speaker 1: Mortal was every physical form. But today he was young,
- 29:12Speaker 1: was a child the new, said Arthur, and was full
- 29:16Speaker 1: of joy. He thought these thoughts, listened with a smile
- 29:22Speaker 1: to his stomach, listened gratefully to a buzzing bee. Cheerfully,
- 29:27Speaker 1: he looked into the rushing river. Never before he had
- 29:31Speaker 1: liked a water so well as this one. Never before
- 29:35Speaker 1: he had perceived the voice and the parable of the
- 29:37Speaker 1: moving water thus strongly and beautifully. It seemed to him
- 29:42Speaker 1: as if the river had something special to tell him,
- 29:46Speaker 1: something he did not know yet, which was still awaiting him.
- 29:51Speaker 1: In this river. Saddartha had intended to drown himself in it.
- 29:56Speaker 1: The old, tired, desperate Saddarthur had dress to day. But
- 30:02Speaker 1: the new said Arthur felt a deep love for this
- 30:05Speaker 1: rushing water, and decided for himself not to leave it
- 30:09Speaker 1: very soon. End of chapter eight