Latest / SkyTalkDoc / E279 Hallows Eve Special: Spiritual Warfare
Transcript
- Dr. Michaela: Welcome to the Sky Talk Doc Podcast, We are going to talk about some very fascinating things in terms of hallucinations and psychosis and your own personal experiences. We had Jerry on the podcast a couple of weeks ago. He connected me with you and he'll be joining us shortly, which I'm really excited about. But I would love for you to just kind of share with the listeners a little bit about why you're here today and what you have to share and kind of the experience that brought you to the place that you are. Anon: Certainly. I go by the name Annan. It's actually a pseudonym for the interviewing purposes. And I I connected with Jerry Marzinski probably about five or six years ago. I was never a patient of his, but I saw the great work that he was doing in pointing out that there's specific patterns that some of his schizophrenic actually most of his sp schizophrenic patients had endured. I consider self myself a recovered schizophrenic. I had the condition in my mid twenties. And I'm gonna share the experiences that I went through to help those with schizophrenia, perhaps or those who know somebody with schizophrenia to help deal with the condition. Dr. Michaela: Well, let me pause you real quick and just ask. So so in your twenties, were you medicated? Were you hospitalized? Did you kind of go through all that process or was it something you were kind of self medicating from your experiences? Anon: no, I went through the whole gamut. I was hospitalized, I was underwent electroconvulsive therapy, ECT, and so I was in the psychiatric hospital for about four weeks. It was I think the entire month of September or October back in nineteen ninety. So what happened is I graduated college with a degree in mechanical engineering and I had taken some psychology d courses. So I was aware of DSM and abnormal psychology was actually one the courses that I took. But when I graduated college I started to you might say doing a journey inward just to kind of figure out who I was and what direction I wanted to head in life. I also started kind of reading the th the Bible more intensely. It was more that I always wanna read it without a middleman. I mean, I was a baptized Greek Orthodox, attended a Methodist Sunday school all throughout my youth, and I was part of a Roman Catholic youth group in high school. And it wasn't like my family was dogmatic with the religion or anything like that. It was more like just having a sense of morality and kind of a belief or a faith in in something greater than just our material bodies. But as I started to kind of go into this journey inward and reading the Bible kinda more intensely, there were I think a lot of repressed trauma was coming up from my childhood. And Dr. Michaela: let let me pause you right there. I'm gonna let Jerry in. He's just joined us so he can jump in as well and and we'll jump right back into that where you left off about the repressed emotions from childhood. Anon: Sounds good. Dr. Michaela: Hi, Jerry. Welcome. We had gotten started. I am so happy to see you again. Thank you for joining us back on the Sky Talk Doc podcast. Annan had started to kind of give us a little bit of backstory about his 20s and how he was a diagnosed schizophrenic, hospitalized, and then how he started to kind of research the Bible and how that started to tie into some repeched childhood memories. So that's where we are right now. Jerry Marzinsky: Okay, well that I'll just stand on the outside and when he says something that brings up some of the stuff I talked about, I'll I'll just butt in. We're used to working together. Dr. Michaela: Okay, that sounds great. So here we are all together on the Sky Talk Dalk podcast. Jerry Marzinski, welcome back. And Annan who is sharing his experiences of schizophrenia, halluc hallucinations and voices. So right back to it for you, Annan. Thank you so much. Anon: great. Good to see you, Jerry. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah, and it's again, thanks for thanks for doing this. I know it takes a it takes a brave there's only a a few people who are willing to solid enough and th to talk about what they went through. Yeah, most people they j they just can't deal with it. Anon: It took me a long time to get to this point though. I'm getting close to retirement age, so I cut I've nothing else to lose at this point, I'm I'm getting Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah, I know. I had to get that way before I could speak out too. I had to drop my license and and so they couldn't get me. Anon: So I was telling Doctor Makella that I had started to uncover some repressed trauma from childhood and in my family. I mean I dealt with a lot of things. It was definitely a dysfunctional environment. I mean there was drug abuse, death, abandonment, narcissism, gaslighting, quite a bit of the gamut, codependency. But I dealt with it as a child and teenager because, you know, that's why I thought one has to have a human experience. You you go through dealing with this. So I I knew things weren't quite right in my family upbringing, but I didn't realize how traumatic it actually was until my mid twenties where everything signed s s kinda started coming out like a like a tidal wave. And Jerry Marzinsky: See I want point out that that trauma is it's common among people who are schizophrenic. You know, it's all usually severe emotional, physical or sexual trauma. And and it it it lowers the vibration and these entities can move in at that point. Anon: Yeah, I definitely think that trauma creates what you might call fissures in one's psyche or cracks where these so called entities c can enter or or get in. So as I started reading the Bible, dealing with suppressed trauma that was coming forth, I mean I star I started feel very angry and I was trying to keep it under control because I didn't I didn't want to do something drastic. And I started to have these Jerry Marzinsky: Were they telling you to, Were they telling to were the voices telling you to do something drastic? Anon: I think they were there at times they were testing me. I mean the w the one thing about in that state, you're definitely contemplating suicide quite a bit 'cause the these voices are thoughts are telling you things like you're not worth it, why don't you just end yourself? And they would actually I'll call them voices internal voices are very strong thoughts because that's kinda kind of the the the way it felt at times. Jerry Marzinsky: Yes. Anon: And throughout the whole experience or ordeal, for the most part, I was on the fence. I was like Th more my mind's broken, these this is just my mind playing tricks with me. Or there's a s something authentically paranormal going on here. This is coming from something on the outside. So I was back and forth on the on the fence depending on the intensity of the particular experiences. Now keep in mind I I'm a mechanical engineer, so I have a rational, logical mindset. And I do follow the scientific method for most part, but I also know that the scientific method is not always applicable. It it it has its place, but there's some things that I cannot explain. So these voices they would kind of tell me things like, you know, go go cure yourself, no one likes you, you're not worthy. And at times they would actually tell me how to go about it. they kept telling me to climb up a high tension electrical tower and jump into the wires. That was one of the their outs for dramatic effect. other times they had me resorting to hooking up pipes to my car exhaust to kill myself via carbon monoxide poisoning. And I was actually starting to go through with it. I mean was getting the pipes and I was taping things things together to d to to do it. But I think higher thoughts had stopped me. I think what it was is I had some nieces at the time and I I knew that if their uncle had committed suicide, I thought about what the damage would do to them, that it would give them a permission slip. to commit suicide when life seems so desperate that you that you have no sense of a hope or anything like that. And Jerry Marzinsky: See, and I wanna point out that that's very common for these voices to do that. Tell you, you're no good, you're worthless, you're stupid, nobody likes you, you're never gonna amount to anything. Just go ahead and kill yourself. Which drives up the anxiety level even higher, which is what they feed off of. That's their food. Dr. Michaela: Mm-hmm. Anon: And no, my level of what was anxious was definitely through the roof. And at times I was so depressed too, as well, where I I couldn't taste food anymore. I couldn't see color. I was singing black and white at the time. I probably lost about eighty pounds or so. Because they they just they do everything they can to make you feel like you're a worthless being and you don't deserve to exist. And and the these voices or thoughts, it's kinda like Dr. Michaela: Do do you think a real quick question, do you think that these entities have the ability to manipulate your physical body as well, to to mess with your eyesight so that you see in black and white? Do they have the ability in some way to also affect the body? It and can they take over and and and act on your behalf? Anon: great question. I don't know specifically about seeing black and white, but as far as taking over the body, absolutely. Because what what Jerry Marzinsky: Yes. Anon: what happened at the time, I mean I was cr I was psychologically crashing from everything that's that's going on, the the the suppressed trauma that was coming forth. There was things going on in in my world at the time, I was trying to get out the house, a lot of codependency issues with my mother I was trying to break away from. But I I rem I remember being they had put me on a on lithium at at the time. Dr. Michaela: Yeah. Anon: It it was a very low dose and I admit I was so depressed I couldn't remember to take the lithium half the time. I mean these thoughts become so dominating that I couldn't even add math. I couldn't do math. It's almost like your personality is being pushed to the side and something else i seems to be taking over. And what happened is One day I remember I woke up and just I my body was thrashing. My arms and legs were shaking, my ar my hands would move, my arms would move up and down like this, and I I I didn't feel like I was the one moving them. I I mean it felt like something else was taking control. And again, Dr. Michaela: Wow. Anon: I'm kinda torn, you know, I I have this rational mindset, I'm aware of what abnormal psychology books teach. I'm s and I was thinking to myself, wow, if this certainly feels like what a possession would feel like if if there is such a thing and I'm saying that kind of with air quotes on on that. Dr. Michaela: Yeah, yeah. Anon: So I Dr. Michaela: Well, I I I I didn't share my backstory with you, but I worked in the psychiatric health facility. I was a crisis responder for fifty-one fifty suicide ideation for many years. And I witnessed also what seemed like a hostile takeover in a lot of in a lot of ways. And then family members when I was assessing for the 5250, which is the extended stay, would share these these wild stories about these individuals who were not themselves at all. It's it's as if something had completely snatched them up. in one particular case I remember it was a it was a younger boy, like nineteen, and after he had an episode of using a certain drug, it there was the psychotic break. And so it almost seemed as if it could have been a portal to open up this kind of rewiring of the brain or this entity that took over that sort of thing. So I I can very much, you know, hear in your words what I've heard from others in the past, and I'm sure Jerry, you know, has similar experiences in working with the population, that it it is a very odd takeover that they seem to experience. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah, I've I saw one up though, I've seen several. But the one I remember the Father brought him in because he no longer believed he who was who he was. He thought he was somebody else. Dr. Michaela: Mm. Jerry Marzinsky: And he told the family that the person that they thought he was was dead and that he was now somebody else. And every time they called him by his birth name, he got furious until one Dr. Michaela: Agree. Jerry Marzinsky: day he attacked his father and they they drug him into the ER and he was he was totally taken over. He he was no longer no longer believed who he used to be. He now thought he was this other person that was much more dangerous. Anon: yeah, throughout the entire ordeal it was like somebody was trying to take over my personality. sometimes it would get me tr to try and get me to do very impulsive things that I wouldn't normally do. I mean th it it was it was like there was something kind of I I would say evil for lack of a better term, kind of trying to take take over. I don't know if it was one particular entity or or numerous ones to t to call I'll call entities instead of voices or thoughts now because I'll I'll get a little farther into that. So I ended up in the emergency room at regular hospital. They did a test to see if it's neurological. So they thought it was a lithium overdose and I I knew it wasn't because I couldn't I was I wasn't even taking the the right prescription. Dr. Michaela: Mm. You weren't taking it. Anon: And they realized it was psychological, not neurological. So I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and when you're in being in the hospital th they give you all sorts of drugs to try and kind of snap you out of it. And they would ask me questions quite often, Are are you hearing voices? Are are you and I would I would answer, Yeah, I'm hearing things, but it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I would kind of throw that caveat afterwards. Because I I kind of felt it was a spiritual battle. That's the way I was treating this. And when I was in the psychiatric hospital, I they they really don't know what pills or drugs to give you and they're basically tranquilizers. And if one combination didn't seem to work, they'd try another and the problem was I remember being on some of those pills and even though I couldn't interact with the outside world because I was so tranquilized, the voice and thoughts were still going on in my head. It Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah. Anon: wasn't like it stopped what was going on inside. It just stopped your outward ability to communicate with the outside world. But the internal Dr. Michaela: Mm. Anon: world was very active. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah, they don't s Dr. Michaela: wow. Jerry Marzinsky: most of the time they don't stop the voices. They will dull them down, but they don't stop. Anon: So I'm I'm on the fence going back and forth, thinking this is a spiritual battle I'm going through. one can describe the whole experience as a dark night of the soul, a existential crisis. I mean, so many different combinations of of ways of interpreting this. But I I remember one night in the hospital, the voices started to get very combative and loud, like they were trying to take over me. And I I was fighting to maintain my sovereignty against them is is what was going Dr. Michaela: Mm. Anon: on through this entire process. And I rem Dr. Michaela: Do do you feel then that the medication actually hurt that process? That it because of the way it doled your external ability to communicate, that somehow it allowed them to become stronger internally or have more power? Anon: That's a tough call. I would say the medication wasn't helping because I felt like I needed to battle these things. Dr. Michaela: Yeah. Anon: And the medication stopped me from f from fighting them or or or confronting them. It might have changed how I was on the outside, but not what was going on the inside. Jerry Marzinsky: See, and that's Dr. Michaela: It's kinda Jerry Marzinsky: critical. Dr. Michaela: like trying to swim a marathon right after you took a Benadryl or something like that. or swim a triathlon, yeah. Anon: It's that's that's a good way of describing it. And I know Jerry points out the fact that after these attacks w one feels very drained. And Dr. Michaela: Right. Anon: you definitely you definitely you just feel like you've been zapped type of thing. It it's g becomes so tough to get out of bed. Jerry Marzinsky: So they they suck the energy out of you. That's what they live on. That's their f that's their Dr. Michaela: They feed on it. Jerry Marzinsky: fuel. They feed on it. And and when I was working with them at the you know, in the prison and at state hospital, if I saw any more than two in a day I would come back so drained. I couldn't function after work. I just would collapse and watch T V. Dr. Michaela: It's like a virtual zombie apocalypse or something. It's it's it's like a spiritual zombie apocalypse that they that they feed on certain individuals that seem to have, trauma and or maybe have opened a portal in some way using, hallucinatory drugs or something like that. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah. That's Anon: Now, I wasn't on any type of other drugs at the time. I deliberately stayed away from any recreational drugs just because I knew I knew my mind wasn't right. I knew that. And I felt like, hey, if I need to get through this, I gotta face this head on. And I hated being on the lithium or the medication hospital too. I mean, I'm just my stubborn personality. I w I wouldn't control my own faculties. That's really really what this came down to. My objective was to get off the drugs and and to deal with this, whatever it was. And I remember one night in the hospital, the voices got very intense. And a way of describing it is like if you're in the movie theaters before the movie starts, or you're at a Broadway play before the show starts, you know, everyone's talking to each other on their cell phones, a lot of voices, background voices. That's what it sounded like, but going on in in one's mind. And it was a whole group of them, then eventually it was like maybe a nine, then seven, then five, but I remember distinctly one of them s talking to one of the other voices, saying, What are we going to do about him? And I remember that that was said. So when I was in the hospital I kinda asked what what what do these medications do to to to help me? And they said, Well, they they balance the brain chemistry. And I asked them, Well, what what's the baseline of the brain chem brain chemistry? What's it supposed to be then? 'Cause I I I chemistry, I I I knew about science, I know how we test the pH and our pool levels to for the proper amount of acid or bases, and Dr. Michaela: Mm-hmm. Anon: I just got blank stares. So They say that that they're trying to readjust the brain chemistry of these medications, but they don't know what the brain chemistry should be. You know, th th there's no baseline or reference point that th that they're trying to look at. Jerry Marzinsky: That was totally made up by Eli Lilly when Prozac came out. They need some explanation for why these their drug worked. So they just made one up. Biochemical imbalance. And then Big Pharma picked it up from there and they started teaching it in the universities. And there's absolutely nothing to it. It's been disproved over and over again. It was a complete lie that they they passed off to the entire planet. Anon: So none of the pills were really working, and if one didn't work, they would change the combination. I remember seeing pink ones, octagon ones, yellow ones, all different combinations. My HMO healthcare was about to run out, so they decide to try electroconvulsive therapy. That's essentially where they give you a muscle relaxant, they knock you out with anesthesia, and they they shock the brain. They put an amperture across it. And they they did tell me wha how the procedure would would go about and they said I'd probably some short term memory loss at at the time. So they did the first session of ECT and I admit I I felt better. it was almost like my mind was stuck in a groove and the ECT had silenced some of the voices actually had silenced the voices and the internal thoughts. I felt more as a blanket slate, like I was more back to myself. I was still at rock rock bottom though. Dr. Michaela: Can can can I ask you a question there? Because you described the movie theater analogy where it's like it's this humdrum of noise. Do you feel like your brain was tuned into a frequency or something like that that maybe we don't normally tune into and that this ECT somehow silenced the frequency or shifted it just a so much so that you didn't have to hear it? Jerry Marzinsky: I can tell you what I noticed when I was working at the state hospital back in the seventies. The ECTs they gave back then were a whole lot more violent than the ones here. But I noticed in every psychotic patient that they gave them to, the voices would disappear for a short period of time. You know, maybe days or a week or two, but they'd eventually come back. But that electrical shock did something to drive them off. The voices didn't like it, but they eventually returned. Ha ha ha. Anon: Yeah, it's it's temporary. So they insisted that I had to go through at least a total of six ECT treatments, but I'll I'll tell you six. I do six ECT treatments. Six, six. Dr. Michaela: Six six zero six. Jerry Marzinsky: Sixty? six. Anon: the but I admit I felt no different after the first one than I did after the sixth one. Dr. Michaela: Okay. Anon: th the first one it was like I felt like I could start rebuilding myself, you know, to get on with my life, get get a job, start a career. And I was still at rock bottom. I mean I think I was below po my income was below poverty that that level that year. But I still had a functioning credit card and that's why was paying all my health insurance bills on that and buying food, whatever I needed on on that. So I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital probably yeah, the autumn of nineteen ninety. I d I think I did two two or three of the ECT treatments were inpatient, the the remainder two or three were outpatient. But I was a s I was s assigned a counselor afterwards and they had me on a low dose of clonopin and they said that was t as a as a mood stabilizer. And the voices did come back. probably came back around December of nineteen ninety. But this time it it was it was different. It's like they were regimented or more of a hierarchy. And again, I'm constantly going back and forth, thinking this is my mind playing tricks on me. I mean, here I am, was reading the Bible. I at times I admit, at times I felt Christlike, but I didn't quite understand. What to do with that? Dr. Michaela: It's interesting you say that though, because in so many of the assessments that I did, there was a component of spirituality to it. There was always some sort of component of spirituality to these assessments. They would say either they thought they were God or that Satan was telling him to do it. I mean, very often I would probably put a number as much as eight out of ten or nine out of ten as an example that there is a spiritual component to at least the the wording that they use. Jerry, maybe you can speak to that too. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah, it's the same thing. I'd I'd run into some where they just say, I'm Jesus Christ and and they would Dr. Michaela: Yeah, yeah. Yep. Jerry Marzinsky: believe that. Dr. Michaela: Yep. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah, there's there's a spiritual component, it's either positive or negative, but for the most part the negative ones don't like it when the person reads the Bible or says Dr. Michaela: Right. Jerry Marzinsky: the twenty third Psalm, they react negatively to it. And it's consistent. Dr. Michaela: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Jerry Marzinsky: You know, so why would a hallucination, if that that that's what the psychiatric mafia calls these things, why would a hallucination react to religious material in a negative manner? Why would those voices always be consistently negative? Why do they run patterns? You know, hallucinations don't run patterns. Anon: Yeah. There's all different ways of interpreting this. You know, that hi the idea of the Christ within. it could be they they sense something's going on. I mean we can stick to kind of the scientific approach looking at this or we can go get kinda down the woo-woo path. There's there's all different ways we we we can go with this. But I I think that aspect of of feeling Christ like at times it kinda helped me w get through it, because I I felt like there was a religious component to it. So I mentioned the voices came back, but it seemed to be like a h managerial hierarchy. And I remember the f they started offering me a path to instantaneous wealth, power and riches, if essentially kinda I sold my soul to them. It was like I had to make Dr. Michaela: So you tapped into a principality. Anon: Yeah. It was it was like I they want to make a Faustian bargain. And I admit it I it was tempting. I was being tempted because I was as I said, I was at rock bottom, I was my income was below poverty that year. But if I did give up my soul to whatever these things were, I would basically have sold my soul to them. I would have had to give up my ethics, my morality. I probably would have climbed the corporate ladder very quickly and they they showed like a path how to get there type of thing. But it wasn't necessarily an an ethical path. And I I said no to it. they weren't too happy about that. And then there were a a series of stages that went on for a few different months a after the ordeal. And w they would come but in and it was different I felt like they were different voices because the vocabulary seemed to be different, the tone, the inflections. It was almost like a series of trials or or torments that I was going through. Like I was dealing with a prosecutor or or an inquisitor. Dr. Michaela: huh. It's Anon: Yeah. Dr. Michaela: interesting because the judgment hierarchy also seems to be a recurring theme. That's fascinating. Thank you for sharing. Anon: You're welcome. So they would accuse me of the littlest things to try to make me feel as guilty as possible. So I remember they would attack me for any crime that I ever committed in my life. And by crime I'm talking about l like killing a fly. I used to one particular crime that they would pull up was I used to go fishing, like a lot of people do in the b back in the day and I would use earthworms to bait the hook and catch sunnies or bass or trout. And I remember they would say, see, what a horrible creature you are. You you kill these earthworms and you put on the hooks and everything else. I mean, in a way they're right. But, you know, it's it's a cycle of life that that that you have to go to. And, you know, I did we didn't create this world a cycle of life. It's something w that we're kind of thrown into and have to deal with it accordingly. But they would make me feel so s Jerry Marzinsky: Now did they did they just know that, that you did that? That that just they were aware of that? You didn't tell anything about that. They pulled it out of your memory. Anon: No, no. They they they they can go under mine and pull pull out things. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah. So that's one thing they can do. They can pull up every rotten thing that you've ever done and throw it in your face and blame you until they start generating that negative emotional energy that they feed off of. They can d they're spiritual entities, they can go in there, they have access to your memory. And here's here's an example where they pulled up those in Killing the worms, you know. Dr. Michaela: Well, and this you know, the psychology in me kinda goes, I wonder what trauma associated with fishing when you were younger, perhaps with your dad or your mom or some sort of friend, ties that all together, right? There it Anon: I was trying to think of that too and then there's I enjoyed fishing. It was relaxing, it was fun. I mean I I I don't really recall anything occurring like that. Dr. Michaela: Maybe playing to your guilt then that that was the one thing that you actually found peace in, you know? Anon: I think it was the way th there's the woo woo term lou of loosh, which is the emotional energy that they feed off of. I don't know if you heard that term before. It's kind of in the it it's used in the I guess the occult world a little bit to to talk about emotional energy that we give off when we're having negative frequencies of vibration, like, you know, depression, negativity, that that sort of thing. But I remember the the attacks they started attacking me for the eating of meat, you know, just eat eating chicken or steak. And in a way they're kinda right. Yeah, when we kill other animals we are creating a d degree of suffering out there. Dr. Michaela: From death comes death, the flesh, right. You know, it's interesting Anon: But I I Dr. Michaela: though you bring that up because you mentioned the pH. And I'm reading a book called Health by Purification. It's a German author. And this author postulates that the pH of the body, if out of any alignment, and certain things can create that, like flesh eating, etc., sets off the pH levels. And in the highly acidic environment is where. these more negative thought pot patterns such as, what we would call depression or anxiety can stem from and a whole host of other things as well. But I think it's fascinating that I'm reading this book and you're kind of referencing and hinting at this very component of it. Anon: That that is interesting. We have synchronicity there. Dr. Michaela: Yeah. Anon: So I started I started arguing against these voices. You know, I decided to treat this as a spiritual battle and I would argue ban against them. I would say, Okay, God created us with teeth, tongue and mouth. You know, do I not have a right to use them? I said, why is meat made to taste flavorful and provides the most amount of proteinic energy per volume? Why does God encourage some animals to eat and kill other animals for sustenance? I started talking, I said, take your arguments to God, not to me. So I started kind of standing up to them. And here it is, you know, I'm reading the Bible, I'm f you have these kind of Christ like sensations and then I'm starting to be tormented this way. Almost like being I'm tempted by something, call it the devil, c call it what you want. Which add even more to the madness. And I recognize that too, that this is all kinda going on. So these are attacks, I'll call them arconic attacks, they would go on for for a f maybe a month or two, then a different one would occur. And One of the attacks remember would tell how worthless I and humanity were and it became a point where I I was no longer just defending myself, I kind of felt like I was acting as a defendant of all of humanity. Like I was trying to defend all of humanity as as well. And they were like attacked the human body, saying that, you know, you're insignificant lumps of flesh destined to be rotting and be eaten by bacterial worms. Dr. Michaela: Wow. Anon: And I would I would counter argue. Dr. Michaela: Do you do you feel like these are the disembodied spirits, the Canaanites spoken of in scripture? something like that? Is it r remnant Nephilim? What do you think it is? Anon: Well, since my more recent years I I I consider them to be archons. I Dr. Michaela: Mm. Anon: is what I refer to them as. I think it's the closest thing. You could call them demons too. I mean don't think the problem is as human beings we we don't really know for sure what's going on, I'll say in the other side of the the veil. But I feel like something's good Dr. Michaela: Yeah. So is that tying into the Nagamadi? okay. Okay. Anon: Yeah, yes, that's very n it's that's a Gnostic a Gnostic term. Now, I I I know we're kind of on tight for time here, so how much how much more time do we have to continue? Dr. Michaela: No, y yeah, go ahead. Let's let's take another twenty minutes and see if we can, continue the story. We might need to do a part two, but Anon: Okay. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah, see if you can't get to the The thing you saw. Yeah. Anon: the presentation. So I would go through this a whole bunch of these d different attacks and torments. They would bring different things and w they would bring up how like human beings are just destined to rot and how we're composition of just flesh, blood and bones. And I would again I would argue with them. I would say, How can you condemn our form when we had no say control over its creation? I said, Take your arguments to God, that's where you find the answers It was weird because this at prosecuting attack backed off rather quickly. Like the others lasted for a few were going on for a few months and sometimes they kind of overlap. But this attack probably stopped with about a week and a half to two weeks. And I said, Wow, I can I can win against this. If my argument's strong enough, they seem to back off a a and I recognized that. So the the attacks kept continuing. I mean approaching spring of nineteen ninety one, summer of nineteen ninety one. And they would say how horrible humanity is. They would they would actually bring up scenes and images in my head. It was like watching a cinematography movie in my mind. I could see the images very clearly of like the wars, the destruction, the violence. It was like watching a documentary of in my in my head of all of humanity's vices and they would say things like, you know, human humanity will never learn your species is no good And I would defend against it. I said, Yes, some human beings are awful, evil, full of hatred I said, but others are full of love, compassion and kindness And I said, You don't combat them an entire species because of the actions of a few So I I kept arguing and arguing and arguing back and forth and I'm I'm getting more and more depressed and I remember there's a whole series of of different torments and questions and things that they would put me through, but for the interest of time I I I won't go into that much detail on them. But I remember the last one was very intense. It was like something was telling me that there is no God, give up your faith. Believing God is is is worthless and stupid. It's just a fairy tale. You're nothing but dust. There there is no afterlife. And I I was starting to believe them. I mean they they were they were almost convincing me to lose my faith. And I'm at rock bond at this point. I'm feeling like my gosh, my I'm I'm I'm diagnosed schizophrenic. I'm having these things that are feeling spiritual battles that, you know, they talk about these in the Bible and some of the religious texts over history. And here I am going through some of this stuff. Dr. Michaela: Job. Mm-hmm. Anon: And I I star I was starting to lose my faith. And I think if I lost my faith I probably would've gone through with with suicide because I was like, What's the point of living if this is all there is type of thing. So what I did is I started the most intense praying I could to that that higher essence of God. And I'll admit, sometimes during these battles that I was going through, these these trials it felt like I was wrestling with something presenting itself as God. it it was going back back and forth. There was definitely a very strong religious undertones to everything that was going on. And I'm not telling anybody about this. I mean, I'm not telling my counselor about this. I'm not telling any of the doctors in psychiatric hospital 'cause it's just I felt like I was nuts enough. I didn't want to add even more to my medical record of what was gonna go on. And I and I also was tr I was trying to see if I could get myself off these th th these medications. So I was still on the ro low dose of clonapen. So I started praying as heavily as I could to God, give me a sign. I said, I don't care what it is. Just give me a sign that this is something generally spiritual and it's not just I'm just mentally ill. It didn't matter what the sign was. I didn't want to put any prejudice or bias on what the sign should be. You know, if if a priest had showed up knocking on my door, I would accept that as a sign. If a a Bible arrived in the mail by mistake, I would have accepted that as a sign. So I kept praying and praying for about two weeks as tensely as I could. I was I was at rock bottom. I I needed give me something. Give Dr. Michaela: Give me something you're saying. Just give me something. Anon: me something. Give me something to g to go on. I said, if you give me something to go on, I'll continue with these battles and I can move forward. But I have to I have to know that you're there. And after two weeks about the most pr intense praying, I had a hallucination or a vision. Or you could say these entities actually materialize it in my in my room. So I'm gonna share what it is that I encountered. Jerry Marzinsky: Now this is before he had any knowledge of what this thing was. It it existed Dr. Michaela: Okay, so at this point they're just in his head, audible. Jerry Marzinsky: No, but this thing that showed up was he found out later it existed two thousand years ago in Rome. The exact same Anon: Okay. Jerry Marzinsky: thing. But he didn't know it at the time when this thing first showed up. Anon: Yeah, keep on I I was raised Greek Orthodox, Methodist, a little bit of Roman Catholic. Can you see my screen right now? Dr. Michaela: Yep. Yeah, we're looking at a door and maybe a chimney or something or a fireplace, something like that. Anon: Yep. So this this is the room I was in at the time. It was the the room that I grew up in. it was the upbringing. There's a closet there and everything. Dr. Michaela: Yep. Anon: So after two weeks of the most intense praying, I woke up about two to three o'clock in the morning at Dr. Michaela: the witching hour. Anon: the witching hour and I I felt like I felt something in the room. Like there's Dr. Michaela: Mm. Anon: a presence in in the in this room. I don't know what it is. So I'm lying on my b on my bed, on my back, I'm looking up you just feel it. your s your spidey sensor tingling. Dr. Michaela: Yep. Anon: So can you see a square light fixture? Yep. Dr. Michaela: Something like a light fixture, yep. Anon: So that that was a square light fixture in my room. I'm Dr. Michaela: And you're staring up at it. Anon: staring up at it with a feeling that something's h in here. All of a sudden I start to see something that looks like kind of smoke, a grayish, silverish, dark fog or mist starting to form and come into the room. Dr. Michaela: Oof. Anon: And I'm thinking to myself, great. There's an electrical fire occurring in my light fixture. But I realized that's not where the wires are. That's not where it should should be. And then it dawned on me. great. Now I'm having a visual hallucination. Dr. Michaela: Mm. Anon: Here I am diagnosed with affective schizophrenic disorder. And now I'm starting to have visual hallucinations. So this is adding even more to the sense of anxiety, and I think my condition is getting worse. But the scientist in me was like, okay, I want to see where this goes. Let me see what my broken mind is going to tell me. So more and more of this Mr. Fog is forming, and it's actually not coming out of the ceiling. It's coming out of a plane that's maybe a foot to nine inches below the ceiling level. Dr. Michaela: Mm. Anon: And this it didn't move the way smoke would move. It probably moved more like if you drop dark food. Dr. Michaela: It's crazy that you say I have to pause you because I had a dream the other day. It was an angel that came to me. I've shared it on this podcast. And I said, I can't handle this this you know, this forces, all this negativity, all this evil that's coming at me. And the angel was pissed off at me and it showed me a beautiful canvas. And it showed an ink bottle pouring ink on the canvas. And it showed how the angels were keeping the majority of the ink back. And just a very little bit of the ink was ruining the canvas. And it was trying to plead with me to say, look at what we're doing to support you and to protect you. This is just a very little bit that's coming through. We're fighting a battle. It's wild that you tell me it was like ink. That is, I literally had this experience at two, three o'clock in the morning myself. Anon: The inner universe is very busy out there. There's a lot of interconnectedness between things. Yeah, there okay. Yeah. No problem. No, no, I truly d there there Dr. Michaela: Very busy. Gosh. Okay, continue on. Sorry, I had to pause you because that was a chills moment. I'm Jerry Marzinsky: Especially now. Dr. Michaela: cold now. Burr. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Anon: There's a spiritual battle going on there and I I I think things are coming to a head. I'm just not not not Jerry Marzinsky: Yes. Massive. Anon: sure. So again, th this is happening probably about autumn of nineteen ninety one. So I'm watching this essence enter my room. It might have essentiated itself. I couldn't really tell. I'm just lying on my back watching things, waiting to see what happens. I'm I'm a little scared because this this is not not normal. Okay. And then I see a portal open up kind in the middle of this fog or cloud that's forming. And the portal gets larger and larger. It's kind of vertical oblong. And I realize this fog or essence is pouring out from this portal. I could see it coming out from the inside periphery of the opening. So more the the portal's getting larger and larger. More and more of this fog like or cloud like essence is entering the room. I'm still lying on my back. Dr. Michaela: You afraid? Are you afraid or are you curious? Or both? Anon: I think a a mo the reason I remember this experience so intensely is because the emotions associated with it. So it was combination of both. A lot of was was curiosity I think at this point. It was more curiosity that the scientist in me, the engineer in in me wanted to observe this and see, okay, what's gonna happen here? What is my crazy mind gonna show me? I I knew I was still in the room because the square field ceiling light fixture, that was my constant, that was my datum point. So I'm looking at this portal, it was very dark, I really couldn't see anything in there. This smoke or fog is pouring out from the inside circumference of this vertical oblong opening. And all of a sudden, whoosh. I see these two serpentine tails move from bottom to top in the portal. Yeah, I'm I believe me, I was like, whoa, this is not normal Dr. Michaela: Good what else no. Anon: reality. What what what is going on here? I'm yeah, believe me, I'm feeling a little frightened at this point. And I I I see it move. Dr. Michaela: please tell me it doesn't slither out at you. god. Anon: Well guess guess what my thought was at this point in t in time when this was occurring. Thank goodness whatever that thing is, Dr. Michaela: It's gonna devour me. Anon: it's on the other side of whatever that portal is. But I spoke Dr. Michaela: Okay. Anon: too soon on that and thought in my head. Dr. Michaela: Lord. Anon: So yes, I see this the serpentine like movements in the portal, and then all of a sudden th the cloud starts to get very thick. I can barely see the remnants of the portal behind it, and then all of a sudden I start seeing the serpentine movements in the cloud. that's in my room. I'm like, crap, this thing is entering the room. You could see it like the s snake like body parts kind of slither or move in and out of the cloud of whatever this thing is is entering. Dr. Michaela: Do you feel awake? Do you feel half awake? Do you feel asleep? Do you feel paralyzed? Okay. Anon: I feel I feel wide awake. This th I I kept trying to think, was this a hypnotic what do you call it? Hypnagotical stake or something like that, but Dr. Michaela: Yeah, yeah. Anon: I I was I was very awake 'cause I'm looking at the ceiling light and I'm I know this is not normal reality. I'm like, what is going on? I mean, yeah, part of me is terrified, I will admit, but I think the curiosity kinda took over. It's like, let me see what's going on here. Dr. Michaela: And you had function over your body at that point. Okay. Anon: I did, I did. I was th this this was f I would say this was fully me, my personality dealing with this. It wasn't any of these other voices or or thoughts that that had been attacking me. And then I didn't see the serpentine movements anymore outside of the cloud, but the cloud is stirring. I can see like laminar flow and turbulence on the outside of the cloud, so so I knew something was still moving inside there. Then all of a sudden this creature pops out that has a lion like face fr and a serpentine body. And at first I start kinda laughing to myself. I'm like, this is what my crazy mind comes up with? A some sort of hybrid creature, part mammal, part snake like. And I was actually less scared than I expected to be because I saw a snake-like movements. I was expecting this thing to come out with a reptilian or snake-like head, which I think would have been a lot more frightening. But the fact it came out like a a mammalian head was like, okay, this doesn't seem as scary Dr. Michaela: look cool. Anon: as it should be, but still it's it's it's kind of odd. And I remember there was a seam running down the its side. So it was it it was very black and glossy. The side scales were very black and glossy, the underbelly was kind of a grayish color. But it it definitively definitely had a mane. I remember seeing this mane come out and it seemed to had whiskers. It's almost like it was looking for something that's entered the room. And I came across this in about the year twenty twenty, twenty twenty one. Dr. Michaela: Stop it. Jerry Marzinsky: This is before he ever knew what this thing was. he f he Dr. Michaela: my gosh. Jerry Marzinsky: found this later. It's a demiurge that the Gnostics talk about. Anon: Yeah, so th Dr. Michaela: my gosh. Anon: and there there's and here's some amulets actual amulets that that were that are found, third or fourth century. So Jerry Marzinsky: Two two thousand years ago. Anon: this entity goes by many different names. I think the Egyptians used to refer to it as Chnubis. the Gnostics can refer to it as Yaldebaut, the the demiurge, the creator of this un the material universe. do you know anything about Gnosticism by any chance? Dr. Michaela: Uh-huh. Uhhuh. I I do. I've I've recently read the Nakamati, so I'm I'm I'm familiar with Sophia and the Anon: okay. Dr. Michaela: fracture that happens and mm-hmm. Anon: Very good. And again, as Jerry Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah. Anon: said, I had no knowledge of Gnosticism until twenty twenty. This is all happening in nineteen ninety one. So here it is. I mean there's the seam right going down the side as well. Dr. Michaela: Unbelievable. Anon: And if you look at these amulets here, you can see the seam here and these actual amulets that were found. Now Dr. Michaela: Unbelievable. Jerry Marzinsky: Nan's the only one I've Anon: th sometimes these are called Jerry Marzinsky: ever known that actually saw this thing. Anon: So then it turns towards me and it faces me head on. Dr. Michaela: No. I'm so scared for you. Okay Anon: Yeah, it gets it gets worse, I hate to say it. It gets it gets worse and it gets better. So it's faced me head on and it look it looked like a mangy lion or lion like face. I I could see it ever so clearly, I could see whiskers, I could see facial stubble. his left eye looked like it had been like it might have been blind in his left eye or it looked like it had been clawed like in a few catfights. But okay, if this is a hallucination, why is everything so cle crystal crystal clear? Dr. Michaela: Detail. Anon: and clear why does it have to go through some process of opening a portal, entry c having a cloud enter, and then coming out through a cloud. So I'm lying on my back at this point and I'm I'm more curious than scared. It's like, okay, th I know this is not normal reality, but what what is going on here? Next thing I know, it lunges at me and it changes its face in the most horrible thing you could possibly think of. it was Probably the combination between it was all grayish, wrinkly, prune like skin, like an old man or old hag of decay. it almost like it opened its mouth like a howling, screaming expression. And of course I went to a Dr. Michaela: wretched, wretched, like a Halloween thing. Yeah. Anon: Ghoulish. Very ghoulish. And I was in a complete state of fright at that with this as soon as the face changed. I mean I felt goosebumps all over my body. Dr. Michaela: Yeah. Yeah. Anon: I thought this was gonna be the end of my existence. I thought, you know, who's gonna believe me? That this is it. This thing's either coming from my body or from my soul. Something's going on. I mean te people talk about the matrix and how a reality is simulation. If this wasn't a glitch in the matrix, I don't know what is. And I go back and forth, you know, is this a hallucination? Was this a vision? Or do did these entities actually enter my room? I I I leave that open interpretation. But I remember I thought I was I thought this was the end of my existence. I thought I was gonna die. I thought this thing was w was going to devour me. But and you know what, I ha I hadn't at the final moments before it attacked me, I had kind of a an act of rebellion. This thing felt evil and I didn't want to give the satisfaction that it was gonna take me out and kill me with me feeling in such a f state of fright. Dr. Michaela: Right. Mm-hmm. Anon: So I kinda said, I'm not I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. I just I lowered my ego, I dropped my fright, I just projected love onto it. I I just said, Okay, you're coming here to destroy me, I don't care, but I'm not gonna let you take me out feeling as frightful as as I had felt. So I Jerry Marzinsky: Best thing you could have done. Dr. Michaela: Wow, that is like everything that even Yeshua preaches, right? Wow. Anon: And remember I'm I'm having sometimes I'm feeling Christ like at the time, so it's like, you I'm trying to kinda interpret all this. So I don't know if this is my own thought. I don't know if it's placed in from a higher source, but I just decided to project love upon it. And I could feel an aura of love go out to me and I could feel this thing projecting kind of a a cloud ore of evil, like the th th like a a shock a wave w was hitting each other. And as I upon projecting that output of love, all of a sudden this entity it seemed to dissipate. disappear or just Dr. Michaela: It had no power. Anon: it had no power, it dissolved. Jerry Marzinsky: That's the same thing with the psychotic voices, if if you can do it. They hate it. You know, they they they disappear for a while. They hate to have them that love projected on them, they can't stand it. Dr. Michaela: So there's power in the spiritual w war scenario for this unconditional or profound love. The frequency of it shatters it like glass. Anon: L love seems to be the metaphysical cure for the universe. So I'm I projected love upon it. At this point I didn't know if I was still alive or dead. I I was trying to get my bearings saying, Am I still alive? What just happened? This thing dissipates, the cloud's still there, I could still see the ceiling light fixture, so I knew I still lying on on on my back. And it wasn't like I was frozen. It was more like curiosity held me in place t to see what was gonna happen. But the next thing I know, there's a new entity hovering overhead. And part of me is like, Great. this thing isn't over yet. Whatever experience I I I'm having. Dr. Michaela: Yeah, yeah, I'm exhausted, really? huh. Anon: I I don't I I expect that previous entity just to go back in the cloud, that would be the end of it. I never expected to come and attack me. This entity was very different though. I mean I'm not a artist, but it it was the most beautiful face I ever saw. It was porcelain, seemed to be illuminated. undescribable beauty. And it had three or four pairs of wings or th appeared to be wings that could be like have been discharges of energy fluttering, but the hu Dr. Michaela: huh. Anon: I think the human mind interpreted it as wings. It did. Dr. Michaela: Did it have two eyes like this? And they were large like this. Anon: you know, w when I first saw it, it really pr appeared h very humanoid like. Dr. Michaela: Okay. Anon: And as the experience continued, sometimes it felt like it was a mask in front of a being of consciousness. Other times it was its actual face. Dr. Michaela: Uhhuh. that's how it had to present to you for you to recognize it. Okay. Anon: Correct, correct. That's one way of interpreting it. But but I remember it wasn't looking at me. Relative to its hovering position, its eyes were kinda it was like looking downward or like its eyes were closed and and the wings are fluttering and I'm I'm I'm watching it. And and then this is something I came across in recent years. Dr. Michaela: I just got chills. Whoa. Anon: the lower left hand corner is is referred to as I guess a a s Sephira or Sephirim, I think Seraphim, yeah, I think one's the term's plural, one is singular. Dr. Michaela: Seraphim. Yeah. Yeah. Anon: And cu could a possum been Sophia that the Gnostics referred to as being Sophia. Dr. Michaela: huh. Anon: And so I was expecting this entity to turn something highly horrific and come at me like the previous entity had had had done. I mean, I f I figure my Dr. Michaela: Right. The shapeshifter. Anon: my mind's playing tricks on me. So with this entity, it was hovering for quite a while. It was pro probably probably a few minutes that it was hovering there. I'm just watching, waiting to see what was ha gonna happen next. And as I mentioned, it had its eyes were closed, almost like it was in a deep state of sleep or hibernation or contemplation, Dr. Michaela: Contemplation. Mm-hmm. Anon: like it had been in prison and it didn't y yet know it had been released. And there were times I remember the wings were fluttering where one of the wings would actually g go across its eyes or move across its forehead and and and back and forth. And I was almost ready to run out of the room because I felt like as a human mortal, I'm not worthy to look at this otherworldly being. And it wasn't just that I saw the booty, you could f I could feel it viscerally, the beauty Dr. Michaela: Mm-hmm. Anon: of this face, sheer elegance. Dr. Michaela: Mm. Anon: Now and then suddenly it opens its its eyes. Now I drew the eyes like this, th there might have been whites to it its eyes. So it might have actually had pupils and and everything. But I just remembered it had a gorgeous face and the face was I would say it was kind of androgynous looking, but I felt it was of f of feminine nature. Yeah, more feminine is the Dr. Michaela: More feminine, mm-hmm. Higher cheekbones, maybe, and yeah. Mm-hmm. Anon: Yeah. And so now eyes are open, now it's looking at me and I'm thinking, great, is it judging me? Is it trying to figure out where it is? Is it what's gonna happen next? I I I have no idea. I'm just lying there just w seeing where this experience is going to go. And as I mentioned, the cloud is starting to dissipate, its wings are f are flapping back and forth. One of these days I'll try and do an animation of this, but for now the PowerPoint presentation is the best way of presenting it. Dr. Michaela: Mm. Anon: So I'm waiting to see what's gonna happen. Wings are fluttering, we're just staring at each other. And all of a sudden, it smiles at me. And when it smiled at me, I could actually see dimples form on its face. Because I said it was like a like a human humanoid face. But it's almost like it was taking on a form that perhaps I would recognize or that my mind could interpret. But it was it was a beautiful smile. And I remember seeing dimples and everything. And upon that smile, I felt the shock wave come from it onto me. It was a shock wave of love, ecstasy, bliss. it was it was erotic, but not in the physical sense. Erotic in the sense of innocence, purity, and like I was connecting to an another being. So this might be what they refer to as a hero's gamments, like a sacred wedding with another worldly being. And I'm starting to have an out-of-body experience. I'm feeling myself kind of rise out my body. I'm starting to merge with this entity. It's like we're about to become one. And it it was pure beauty, undescribable beauty. And the entity starts to kind of go upwards towards the portal. And I'm going upwards as well and I'm I'm starting to merge with it like we were like we were becoming one being, I could feel its essence, it could feel my essence. And just as I and this being were about to merge a hundred percent and go into this portal, I fell back asleep or as I or I was put back to sleep. I remember distinctively everything going gray and then dark. you know when you're going in for anesthesia for surgery, this anesthesiologist will say count down from five and you go five, four, three, then all sudden you go out. Dr. Michaela: Mm-hmm. Anon: That's what it's like. I I could actually feel the point that I went out. And it was just as I was crossing the threshold, mer feeling that I was merged a hundred percent with this entity. So everything went gray. Then black. Like I was asleep. Dr. Michaela: Wow. Anon: So I woke up the next morning about seven or eight. trying to figure out what had happened the night before. What just happened? There was no physical proof to show or resent of what had occurred. I was I wasn't gonna tell my counselor at the time what had occurred. I'm not gonna tell yeah, some entity Dr. Michaela: Yeah. Anon: with a snake a lion like face and a snake like body entered my room through a portal in a cloud last night. Because you know what they would have done? You got that right. They would have upped medication or changed or done something. Dr. Michaela: Put straight back to the fifty one fifty one. Straight to the puff. Jerry Marzinsky: Yep, Dr. Michaela: Yep. Jerry Marzinsky: they would have. Dr. Michaela: Yeah. Anon: But that was the turning point where I felt like okay, this was an authentic spiritual battle. That was the sign that I needed needed to see. And I was able to stand stand up to the voices. Dr. Michaela: It it was proud of you. It was proud of you. It was your soul was on the line and it these these entities were battling and you made the choice to choose the light and the love. You didn't have to do that. Anon: That's one great way of interpreting it. Yes, th th there's there's multiple ways of of what what this could have occurred. And that second entity, I was still terrified at the time, but it was also ecstatic at at the same time, 'cause it just it it wasn't normal reality. And that entity could be referred to as Sophia. It could have been my own soul, it could have been my higher self. There's all it could be i a form of ISIS. There's all different ways of interpreting what it what it could have been. but I know that from that point forward it gave me the will to live again. It gave me the will to fight. And I'd say the f the strong negative voices or internal negative thoughts stopped within a probably about eighteen months or so, somewhere about that ballpark, 'cause they lost their power control over me. If I'm food to them and I'm not reacting to them or I'm I'm arguing against them, I'm saying bug off y y you know, it just th they gave up they gave up attacking me. So Jerry Marzinsky: You're still fighting, dude. You're still fighting. Dr. Michaela: there are people as you're talking, there are people listening to this podcast that maybe don't classify that they're have any kind of schizophrenia or anything like that, but they can definitely probably relate to negative thought processes. What is the one thing that you would say is the most powerful against the negative thoughts? Like what is the one thing that somebody maybe listening to this podcast could could employ to defend? Anon: Love. Love. I mean w what I started doing therefore, whenever I got anxious or or had like thoughts or I was nervous about a situation, I'm trying to project love upon it. I'll just project love upon it internally. When you do that, it kinda helps to diffuse the intensity of what you're encountering. But that that was kind of my my way of approaching it. And I mean th there's you know, the the mystics have passed and the great sages have always said, you know, lo love is the secret. If you if you Dr. Michaela: So so let's say it's financial destitution and and the negative thought process is you're you're always gonna be broke, everyone's always gonna rip you off, you're all h how do you project love onto that? Give me an example of what that might look like. Cause I know when I do exercises with people on the primal wounds, the biggest fear that I get consistently is the fear of destitution. Anon: Okay. You know, if if you got your health, you pretty much got everything. I think that Dr. Michaela: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Anon: that's the one of the lowest things in in what it Maslow's pyramid. And then you can work from there. Just because you're destitute now or you're having financial difficulties doesn't necessarily mean you'd be destitute in the future. It it's having that that that positive approach, okay, if I project love onto it, maybe my mind will calm down and be able to come up with a productive path to get myself out of my current situation. To plan it might be improving my skills. if if I didn't have a high school diploma, you could going back and getting my GED, perhaps taking some additional college courses, but at least it gives you the ability to have a path rather than feeling like there's no possible solution or way out. I mean I Dr. Michaela: So it's like saying, I love my ability to earn or I love my ability to learn, something like that. Anon: tha that's one way of approaching it. I think just when the fear and anxiety starts to lock you or it grips you, it holds you so you become frozen. You're immobile. You can't move. But if you just project love, you can even project love on the anxiety. You know, it's it's like I I I had stage four cancer about seventeen years ago and I had a tumor at the side of the chicken egg growing in my intestine. But what I did, instead of fighting it or attacking it, I project love upon it. it was a cancerous tumor. I I kinda said, I know you're not supposed to be my body. I'm not gonna fight you, but you don't belong here. And I just w I would do creative visualization, I project love upon it. And that was seventeen years ago. I'm still here. Dr. Michaela: Annan, I don't know what it is you're supposed to do on this planet, but they are throwing it at you because they do not want your message Anon: Ha ha ha. Dr. Michaela: out. That is for sure. Anon: I I live a pretty mundane ex mundane existence these days, but I'm I'm living a good life. And I I don't Dr. Michaela: Yeah. Anon: know why these voices or thoughts decide to attack me. I don't know if I'm a future threat to them. There could be a spiritual battle going on and different timelines are are occurring and there's all different ways of interpreting this. I mean, I'm a rational, logical mechanical engineer. I have to function in in this world like anybody else. But I do know there's other things going on that we don't quite understand. There are other energies and non corporeal beings or entities. that th they're out there. And just because the scientific Jerry Marzinsky: No, she take Anon: method can't find or prove them doesn't mean they don't exist. Jerry Marzinsky: You're a massive threat to them with what you're saying. And th the other thing you did is you you always had the the difference between you and them. I mean it they never Dr. Michaela: Yeah. Jerry Marzinsky: convinced you that you were them. And I've Dr. Michaela: Right. Jerry Marzinsky: had a number of prisoners that would ask these voices, Who are you? What are you? And they would respond, We are you. Okay? If you would have bought into that, they would have had you. 'Cause if you believe that you're the thoughts that you hear, then they got you. Anon: absolutely. It was it was that vision that really gave gave the final proof that this is something external of me. And, you know, I don't praying to God, maybe that the most highest absolute truest God out there, what the gnostic does the monad, maybe it gave me the it allowed me to see what was going on to be able to to to fight it or to a address it. But that Dr. Michaela: What's that phrase, ask and you shall receive, right? And you asked Anon: Yeah, yeah. Dr. Michaela: and and you received in the in the most high possibly way, it seems, you know? Anon: So I hope this will help, you know, people watching your your podcast to realize there there's something more to this. And I I you know, the the the just the pills and medication is is not the the the right way for the long term. For the short term, yes, but the idea is to kind of retrain the mind. You're reprogramming the mind, bec become more holistic, become more spiritual. And I say I say healthy love because love can do damage too what if it's misapplied. So I use the term healthy love, which is when you're applying it appropriately in the proper situations. Jerry Marzinsky: And understand that o not all your thoughts are yours. They seem to be yours, but they're they're coming in from somewhere else. You're the one who is watching or listening to the thoughts. You're not the thoughts. Right? And if those thoughts are Dr. Michaela: Really? Jerry Marzinsky: negative, you know, you go, Well, where did that come from? You know, who Dr. Michaela: I really love the caveat too that it's not it it's unconditional love in a healthy way. It's not given in a way that is going to be weaponized against you or you know basically making you vulnerable to an entity or to a a spirit or something like that, but rather it's in defense of what you want to you know, emulate, like what you want to be. And I think that's that's really important. one of my favorite phrases that was shared with me that I like to to kind of embody is present my most high path, right? Because sometimes my most high path might not look like I think it does. So I I like that phrasing. I felt I felt a lot of peace with that. because sometimes, you know, my most high path isn't probably what my human mind would choose. Anon: think it's fine that the balance, it's I f I truly believe that wisdom and love go hand in hand. When you have the proper amount of wisdom, you kinda know where the correct falcon should be and how you're doing with love of others and love of self. It it's maintaining sovereignty while doing what you can to improve world conditions. you had mentioned that you did read the Nagamadi Library, so I'm gonna just read a quick section out of the Apocryphon of John which is a part of the Nagamati Library and they've dated it to about one eighty five or one sixty five of the common era. But keep in mind, a lot of these scrolls are copies of copies, so this stuff could have gone back a lot earlier. But in regards to that entity that I saw, okay, this is right out of this second century text, the Poctron of John. Quote And when she saw the consequences of her desire, it changed into the f form of a lion faced serpent. and his eyes were like f lightning fires which flash. She cast it away from her, outside that place, that no one of the immortal ones might see it, for she had created it in ignorance, and she surrounded it with a luminous cloud, and she placed a throne in the middle of the cloud, that no one might see it except the Holy Spirit, who is called the Mother of the Living, and she called his name Yaldabaeth. Dr. Michaela: Mm-hmm, okay. Jerry Marzinsky: I'm so fear. Anon: so are are we telling me that our our ancient ancestors were all schizophrenic back in the day and they saw this this this same entity? I had no knowledge of Gnosticism Doncamada Library until after twenty twenty. The fact that I encountered this entity in nineteen ninety one says there th there's something going on out there. Dr. Michaela: I've recently started diving into I I've read a lot of the of the of the Dead Sea Scrolls and things that have been found in the Cumroan caves that are not in the canon, but I've recently started diving into the forty days, which was captured by the Ethiopians. And it is incredibly fascinating what what I'm learning about there in terms of the the forty days that Yeshua walked. There's there's so much that I think we have to learn and uncover and unpack. And it really creates this endless, endless seeking or endless desire for for more truth and more knowledge, which I think is the greatest purpose that we have. As you were talking, I was wondering when you stumbled upon this, did you feel affirmed? Did you feel like a sense of completion? Anon: Well, when I stumbled upon the Nagamati Library, yes. Dr. Michaela: In particular, you found the exact match. Anon: Yeah, it was I admit it was it was kind of denial for for a while because I'm a rational, logical engineer. I just it took me a while to Dr. Michaela: Ha ha Anon: accept that this this is it. This is w this is what I saw. And then it was kinda and it and it resonated with my soul. And that's why I can talk about it now, because at the at the time, I mean you're you become emotionally overcharged with this stuff when you when you encounter it and and trying to process it. You can't explain it to people. I mean your emotions take over. Having been more grounded, older, wiser, I'm able to talk about it in in a kind of d a direct manner. But it was like, okay, there is legitimacy to what I went through, that there's something going on here. Human beings are more than just they're material bodies. We we we have a soul. And unfortunately a lot of modern s psychology and psychiatric books neglect that fact. They they they it's too woo woo. They don't want to go to the fact that we may Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah. Anon: have something beyond just being electrochemical processes. Dr. Michaela: Well, as Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah. Dr. Michaela: a mechanical engineer, you might enjoy this book. I read a book called Biocentricism. It's it was highly complex for me. It was a very slow read, but it talks to the power of the mind as projection and the power of the mind as reality, and that there really isn't any difference between what our perception is and what our reality is. They are one and the same. And to classify experience, human experience of any kind as st something that we don't want to deal with that we're gonna medicate, right? Because it makes us uncomfortable is to deny a half of the human experience. Jerry Marzinsky: yeah. Anon: Absolutely. you Jerry Marzinsky: You know what my my co-author, this is along with the the kind of Nagamati thing, you ch she was with a group projecting love into a prison system. She was sitting in her t with a bunch of people in different places and they were all doing this at the same time. She said that this black tunnel appeared in front of her, kinda like your portal. It was jet black like a tornado and it just spun around and it spoke to her, it said, These prisoners are mine. Stop that. You know. And Dr. Michaela: there there was a gentleman he suicided, but he was around in the seventies. he was a sci-fi author, but he ended up having an experience where someone like a Sophia came to him, gave him something, and showed him a chessboard. And the chessboard was light and dark pawns, and that there was a battle for the pawns and that the humans are the pawns. And it was really fascinating. And his i you can find his YouTubes from the seventies. And he's got you know, the old VHS video recordings they have. And it's got some fascinating stuff on parallel universes. It's it's really interesting, but I think to deny there's an entire level that a frequency, a a vibration that we're not able to tap into would just be silly. It would be naive, it would be ignorant, Jerry Marzinsky: Yes. There's many different frequencies. Anon: Yeah, so just the fact that this stuff is going on beyond our visual spectrum range is enough to say, okay, th there's more to humanity than meets the eye. We we we gotta k keep up with trying to improve ourselves as as a species, as a being. Be more tolerant, more compassionate, more understanding. All all all those positive emotions. We really just need to try and focus on it. It it's tough because we all have our shadow aspects. Believe me, I I I get mad on the inside, I have to keep it nope, that's my internal voice getting mad and angry. I don't need to project that. I'm gonna try to calm myself down, but it's when we recognize when we're angry, we have those shadow elements, that's that's helpful to being a functional being, a productive being in this world. Dr. Michaela: What do you think comes next for us based on this experience that you had? What is what is after this? Anon: I relate a lot of this that the fact that I think humanity is on the verge of becoming a spacefaring species. And I think that might be coming into play here. You know, we're we're not quite sure where it's where it's gonna go. You know, we have these billionaire technocrats out there that seem to be dictating where things are going. But the interesting thing in a lot of the not gonostic stories, it's almost like Sophia tricks the Archons into doing things. The Archons think that they're doing their own thing to make things worse, but Sophia kind of steps in there and puts things in there so they're actually doing things to our advantage. So we'll see how things flip. But I think a lot of this has to do with entering to become a spacefaring species. Now whether these you know a aliens, whether they're from other planets out there or they're from other dimensions, that that that's up for debate and and topic, but there seems to be more going on. I don't really know. You know, do do we hope there's a do eth machina where something comes and rescues us from our from our own perils and flights, a a greater species, a higher beings to guide us. Would that help us? Would that hurt us? I I I don't know. But I think if all of humanity realizes that there is something more going on, I think it would help us reflect on what really truly is important in in the world. Dr. Michaela: a couple thoughts as you're talking. I recently felt very spiritually attacked, in in the real world, right? And it seemed like there were just forces that have been throwing it at me. And I had this moment where I reflected about like Yeshua's persecution and thinking, this is someone who knew he had a path for people to find love, find healing, find peace. Nothing that he said, nothing that he spoke was negative. He didn't, he he lived a perfect life and he was persecuted. And so I found peace in this idea that there is something beyond this if we if we learn what we're supposed to learn while we're here in Earth School, that there is something that is some sort of a reward or a new level unlocked, something like that. And I found a lot of peace with that. Anon: I believe there's multiple paths to the Godheading and go with what one works for you. one path may work for somebody else, different path may work for a different person. There's you know, the eastern religions, the western religions, go with what works. But it it just seems like any true religion seems to have an underlying core. It should be about healthy love, proper wisdom, and helping the needy and the downtrodden. Try trying to improve other people's lives where where you can. That that's really what it what it what it comes down to. Dr. Michaela: Have you heard, just to just to wrap this up, have you heard of the cosmic cradle? The the so astrologically, it's the first time in 15,000 years, 7,500 years, there's arguments about how long, but in the sky was the perfect cradle. It was actually identified by a French astrologer who has passed away in 2016, but he said it would be visible in the night sky by this year. And in July, sure enough, it was like the perfect triad of all the planetary alignment and it created a cradle. And so both the Western and Eastern philosoph philosophies seem to believe that this is j is demonstrating the birth of a new era, the birth of something new. And that seems to be kind of a hopeful idea, at least anyway. Anon: Well went in Hinduism and we're in what? The the the Kula, I can't remember which one we're in, the Kala Yaga. I don't think I'm pronouncing that correctly, but it's basically we're in an age of destruction right now. So Dr. Michaela: Yes. Anon: hopefully we are transitioning to something. You know, they they talk about the age of Aquarius, have been ta has been talked about for the last what thirty, forty, fifty years. But when that Dr. Michaela: Yes, exactly. Right. Anon: actually occurred, I don't think I don't think it's like a quick transition. we're in the age of Aquarius. I think it's it's it's it's a gradual. Th the there's overlap, I think, as that goes on. I have not heard about that that cradle. that you mentioned but it does sound interesting. We we certainly hope there's something going on out there, don't we? Jerry Marzinsky: th there's no doubt. Look at all the deception and lies and and duplicity that's just coming to the surface right now. Y that has to emerge before you can do anything about it. It's it's coming out of the darkness where everybody can see it now. Anon: I see this as the Archons, the demons battle of the bulge. You Jerry Marzinsky: Yes. Anon: know, th th th this is the the this is their final desperation of trying to stop w what's going to be occurring. I d I do I do feel there's a positive future ahead, but there there are gonna be some struggles and dark times to get through it. Jerry Marzinsky: I agree. Dr. Michaela: Well, Anon, thank you so much for coming on and having the courage to share a story as impactful and scary and enlightening as this one. it certainly takes a lot of bravery to to speak something like this. And you know, I think twenty years ago, a lot of people wouldn't have been able to receive this in any way, shape, or form. But I don't think that's where we're at now. I think people are finally starting to realize that some of what we thought was sci fi is actually nonfiction. So thank you so much for coming on and sharing all of this. This has been fantastic. And Jerry, thank you for for linking the connection as you know, two individuals who are fascinated by the world that maybe we don't see. Jerry Marzinsky: Yeah, I gotta congratulate. Anon Anon: My pleasure. Thanks for inviting us. Jerry Marzinsky: is one of the bravest people I know. Dr. Michaela: Thank you so much. Have a great day.