Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Season #4 - Older Teen/Young Adult (Pt. 1) | Ep. 13

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Parenting Season #4 - Older Teen/Young Adult (Pt. 1) | Ep. 13 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:00
  Well, we're really sorry, but we've got some tech issues with the mikes.
• 1:05
  So moms, please just bear with us and keep listening.
• 1:10
  And we hope to get this resolved.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: I
• 1:11
  Cheryl (2): say this almost every week, Ellen, but I'm so excited to have our friends in here today.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: So I want to take a moment here and let's reintroduce ourselves of course, Ellen,
• 1:23
  Christie: I'm Ellen and I'm
• 1:24
  Cheryl: here.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: She's always been here and Christie you've been with us before.
• 1:29
  Cheryl: Hello.
• 1:30
  Cheryl: Glad to be back.
• 1:31
  Cheryl: And we're so excited to have.
• 1:33
  Cheryl: Denae king join us.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: Hi.
• 1:36
  Cheryl (2): Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:38
  Cheryl (2): I'm just going to be fun today.
• 1:39
  Cheryl (2): Yeah
• 1:40
  Cheryl: The four of us enjoy, you know, we just enjoy talking.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: We could sit here for hours whether anybody wants to hear it and have a good time.
• 1:49
  Cheryl: So looking forward to this, and by the way, if you want to know more about any of us, you can go to our website.
• 1:55
  Cheryl: And learn more about us as individuals.
• 1:58
  Cheryl: So that's the parenting podcast.com.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: Because we're not going to say everything.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: We're not going to bore you with the details.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: And we're such fascinating
• 2:07
  Christie: back starting in 1979 in 1956,
• 2:14
  Cheryl: my kids always say, Did you have stone tablets by that?
• 2:19
  Cheryl: Or are you still riding on that?
• 2:22
  Christie: One of my girls thought back then, was it a time period for a long time?
• 2:27
  Christie: So she thought so finally she said, mom, when is back then?
• 2:30
  Christie: Because, you know, we always say, well, back then I thought that was so cute.
• 2:36
  Christie: You know, when, when did the world get color?
• 2:39
  Christie: Cause they thought everything was black and white kid.
• 2:44
  Cheryl: All about We didn't have a color TV when they started showing the wizard of Oz.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: So it was significant when I realized, oh, the original wizard of Oz, it is black and white and it switches to color.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:01
  Cheryl: Antiquated.
• 3:02
  Cheryl: And that was the
• 3:03
  Christie: redeeming quality for my new step-dad.
• 3:06
  Christie: When my mom married him, he brought a colored talent with him and we're like, oh, I guess we'll let them in.
• 3:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:14
  Christie: Significant.
• 3:14
  Cheryl: That'd be for those of you that are younger, it would be a big deal.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: They would say this is in Technicolor.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: And like the NBC peacock would have its colored, uh, tail fans.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: So you knew when they were introducing it.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: Cause not everything was had converted and that's how you would know.
• 3:32
  Christie: Okay.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: So we're dating ourselves, but this is really good.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: Y'all are learning a little bit more about
• 3:42
  Christie: the dark ages, the black and white ears.
• 3:47
  Cheryl (2): So the reason the four of us are here is because we're in the middle of something that we share.
• 3:54
  Cheryl (2): And, uh, we kind of named them in the seasons of parenting.
• 3:58
  Cheryl (2): We said, this is the graduate ears, but we don't mean our kids.
• 4:02
  Cheryl (2): We're talking about us.
• 4:03
  Cheryl (2): We are in the process of, or have graduated from active parenting.
• 4:08
  Cheryl (2): So this is the releasing years of the older, older teens.
• 4:12
  Cheryl (2): And then as your children move in to be young adulthood towards adulthood and.
• 4:19
  Cheryl (2): There's so much that we could talk about.
• 4:22
  Cheryl (2): So what are some things just issues just let's just share some of the topics of where you have struggled or are struggling.
• 4:29
  Cheryl (2): Just throw it out.
• 4:31
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 4:31
  Danae: So I have five children ages, 20 to 28.
• 4:35
  Danae: And I have three girls that still live at home with me.
• 4:37
  Danae: And a big struggle for me is when they're out and they don't let me know what time they're going to be home.
• 4:44
  Danae: And it's getting later and later and I'm getting worried and just that part of our relationship of them not communicating with me when to expect
• 4:52
  Cheryl: them.
• 4:52
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: So deny, do you mean.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: You have a curfew for those children of those age, or it's just a communication it's
• 5:01
  Danae: communication for sure.
• 5:02
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:03
  Danae: We don't have a curfew, um, anymore.
• 5:06
  Danae: You know, now that they're older, but it's hard for me because I get worried as it gets later in the night, I don't know where they are, who they're with.
• 5:14
  Danae: So that's something we have to communicate a lot about.
• 5:17
  Danae: We always
• 5:17
  Ellen: called at that.
• 5:20
  Ellen: We always call it a courtesy issue.
• 5:22
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:22
  Ellen: That's just be courteous and text me and say, Hey mom, I'm going to be home.
• 5:28
  Ellen: You know, after two tonight, don't worry.
• 5:30
  Ellen: So then I can go to bed and not have, cause it's just, we never made it a big deal.
• 5:34
  Ellen: It just was a courtesy.
• 5:36
  Danae: That's good.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: One
• 5:37
  Christie: thing I'm really realizing is I didn't realize what a grief process, this all would be with things changing so much and the roles changing the relationships change.
• 5:49
  Christie: Um, and just really grieving those little bit a years.
• 5:52
  Christie: It's, it's been surprising to me how much grieving happens.
• 5:57
  Cheryl: Did you realize it was grief?
• 5:58
  Cheryl: How do you, I mean, you're, that's a good word to use and I understand it, but if I'd been your peer or younger than you, I wouldn't have understood what you're talking about.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:06
  Cheryl: I
• 6:07
  Christie: don't think I did at first, but it really is the loss of a season of life moving for them.
• 6:13
  Christie: And for me, And so, yeah, it took a while to realize that it was grief that I was feeling.
• 6:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:19
  Danae: And I think the grief over that, they're making decisions that I don't want them to make anymore.
• 6:24
  Danae: They're choosing to do things and act in ways and you know, and don't want my advice.
• 6:29
  Danae: Exactly.
• 6:31
  Danae: For sure.
• 6:31
  Danae: They're acting like adults
• 6:34
  trying to, they're learning to be adults.
• 6:37
  And that's kind of an observation you have to make from the sidelines.
• 6:40
  You don't get to be an active part of.
• 6:44
  You know, how about this idea?
• 6:46
  That idea, unless I specifically asked you, which usually at those ages, they don't want to, because they want to figure it out.
• 6:53
  Cheryl: And we know that we want the best, but for me, two things, my role, their roles and the rules.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:03
  Cheryl: And I did, I don't know about Chubb.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: I didn't have anyone speaking into this.
• 7:07
  Cheryl: No one was ahead of me doing what we're kind of trying to do a little bit to talk about it, to walk me through it.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: I only had my peers.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: To find someone who is walking with me.
• 7:18
  Cheryl: Um, I'm really thankful because Ellen did have older children and she could speak into me and, and help that.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: But I just didn't know how radically different it was.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: And you're kind of saying about like with curfew, that sort of thing, the rules have all changed and they seem to.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: Like be the head of that, whatever it is.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: And they change the rules and they don't send me the memos until I've stepped over the band.
• 7:47
  Danae: Right, right.
• 7:48
  Danae: You did not get the message until it's too late.
• 7:52
  Danae: And it also seems like, um, having five children, they've all been different and what they've wanted and what they've needed, what they've wanted and needed from me, you know?
• 8:04
  Danae: So.
• 8:05
  Danae: That's been surprising.
• 8:06
  Danae: So we don't have like a rule book and, you know, they're, they're kind of all different.
• 8:13
  That's
• 8:13
  Christie: one thing that doesn't change just that every child is different all the way through, even into adulthood.
• 8:18
  Christie: And your interactions are different with each
• 8:21
  Cheryl: child.
• 8:22
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:22
  Cheryl: Because these rules, I mean, all of it does so many different things, all the assumptions that everybody has, and then this child.
• 8:32
  Cheryl: Of course, I would never say that mom or I wouldn't do that.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: And the other one you presume they're going to be the same way.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: And then they're completely different.
• 8:39
  Cheryl: They have a total different entitlement assumption or
• 8:43
  juggling those age groups.
• 8:45
  Right.
• 8:46
  You know, cause we still.
• 8:48
  Uh, kids entering adulthood and we still had younger children.
• 8:52
  So in your brain, you're going back and forth from, you know, you might be teaching basic math to your adult is wanting And so your head's kind of like, oh, where are we here?
• 9:05
  So,
• 9:08
  Danae: yeah, I think another struggle that I've had is doing too much for my children when they're capable of doing those things, I'll say, oh, you're busy at work.
• 9:18
  Danae: I'll go ahead and make dinner.
• 9:20
  Danae: Or here's your lunch?
• 9:21
  Danae: You know, things that were completely appropriate when my kids were younger, but now I'm overdoing for them.
• 9:28
  Danae: Or I'll go ahead
• 9:29
  Christie: and find some things they're happy to let you
• 9:33
  Danae: and that's whether you step back and that's what makes it confusing because on one hand they would love for you to treat them like they were 12.
• 9:40
  Danae: And on the other hand, they want you to treat them like they're, you know, 30,
• 9:44
  Cheryl: it is hard because you're riding to discern that's okay.
• 9:48
  Cheryl: You go, let me do that for you to serve them.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: And it might be really well taken.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: And then the other times it's not, and you've wounded them and it can be the same thing.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: oh, it's really hard.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: Isn't it?
• 10:07
  Cheryl: Um, I mean, it's interesting and it can be exciting.
• 10:12
  Cheryl: I just didn't know.
• 10:13
  Cheryl: No, it was going to feel like what it feels like.
• 10:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:16
  Cheryl: Like the
• 10:17
  Danae: grief, that's what I was thinking too, was the word grief.
• 10:19
  Danae: And I think, um, you know, and I've started thinking about that also Christie, that the more I realized that I didn't think there was something wrong with me and I didn't think there's something wrong with them that this is just part of the process.
• 10:31
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:31
  Danae: And so really start including them in on the conversation of how do we do this?
• 10:37
  Danae: Well, I, you know, I don't know.
• 10:39
  Danae: All my fault and I now need to figure it
• 10:41
  Christie: out.
• 10:42
  Christie: I love that you said process because I think I really thought we would get to 18 and it would be de, oh my goodness.
• 10:51
  Cheryl: Now.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: Well, and the two of us didn't they have extra, an extra set of circumstances because mine were going through having lost their dad and grief and everything that comes with that.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: And then.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: You went through a divorce and both of our kids were reeling from some of that and not fully healed at all, or that this is the trauma of it.
• 11:15
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: Added in on top.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: Just made it more complicated.
• 11:19
  Cheryl: And for me, because of that, I didn't draw very good boundaries all the time because I felt, I mean, I just oozed myself, so I didn't draw boundaries.
• 11:31
  Cheryl: So boundaries were a hard thing.
• 11:34
  Danae: Yes.
• 11:34
  Danae: I think boundaries is one of the biggest issues.
• 11:37
  Danae: And just as a mom, for me to have my own good boundaries and taking care of myself and giving myself what I need.
• 11:46
  Danae: And then that helps me have those healthy boundaries with my children,
• 11:50
  Cheryl: but messy, messy, messy.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: Boundaries are just hard at this age.
• 11:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:56
  Christie: I had an, a, a experience recently.
• 12:00
  Christie: Considering my daughter's boundaries that she had put in place, she was going to an appointment um, a pretty significant appointment.
• 12:07
  Christie: And of course, I thought it would be wise for her to have her mother there with her.
• 12:11
  Christie: And, um, she made it very clear that she wanted to go to this appointment alone and it was regarding her health.
• 12:19
  Christie: And, and I thought, gosh, she's clearly setting a boundary line.
• 12:24
  Christie: But I didn't think it was wise for her to be alone, not knowing what the appointment was going to deal with.
• 12:30
  Christie: I thought somebody needs to be there to support her.
• 12:33
  Christie: And so I had to take the hard step and say, I, it doesn't have to be.
• 12:40
  Christie: But I think you need to have somebody with you.
• 12:43
  Christie: And so she chose to have a friend drive her and wait in the parking lot.
• 12:46
  Christie: And that way she wasn't alone in the appointment went fine and it wasn't, you know, anything horrible, but so respecting that boundary was very difficult for me because I.
• 12:56
  Christie: Some rejection there.
• 12:57
  Christie: I felt like what's wrong with us that she doesn't want me there with her and that she would choose a friend over me.
• 13:06
  Christie: Um, so that, that was really hard to respect that boundary line that she had drawn,
• 13:10
  Danae: Hey Christie, I've been struggling with boundaries every single time my children come home with a new hair color or a new tattoo.
• 13:18
  Danae: I mean, that is rough every single time.
• 13:21
  Danae: That's good.
• 13:22
  Danae: Yes.
• 13:23
  Danae: Well,
• 13:23
  you know, I think sometimes we forget maybe what our goals of parenting we're supposed to be.
• 13:29
  I mean, I always felt like my goal.
• 13:32
  Was to make sure that when my kids left home, they were able to take care of them.
• 13:38
  They were able to do the things that adults needed to do and be comfortable doing that.
• 13:43
  And to be confident doing that now, again, that's a process, but that was kind of the goal of the things that you're teaching in elementary and junior high and early high school is to prepare them to what does it mean to be an
• 13:56
  Cheryl: adult?
• 13:57
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 13:57
  Cheryl: That's really good.
• 13:58
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 13:58
  Cheryl: How about all of us?
• 13:59
  Cheryl: Let's say, what were your goals when you were a new mom and through those years and have.
• 14:07
  Cheryl: Would you have a say, no, my parenting really, this is a Gulf.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: well,
• 14:10
  Christie: I think if I'm really honest, the back of my mind goal was thinking if I do all of this, right, then I can get them to adulthood where they can live a painless life and be prepared for anything that comes at them.
• 14:25
  Christie: I wouldn't have told you that, but that's really what I was feeling
• 14:28
  Cheryl: at the moment.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: And that's a similar, a little bit to me.
• 14:31
  Cheryl: I would have said.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: We used to say, we want you standing on our shoulders, that we wanted to pour into them and to develop them and to love them and to help them and teach them the things you were talking about.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Allen, all of that.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: So when they would get to adulthood, They didn't have to, but not have to go through trying to figure it out like we did.
• 14:57
  Cheryl: And so my goal was to bring all that a little bit, like you're saying, oh good.
• 15:02
  Cheryl: So you can be this whole.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: Flourishing person.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:06
  Danae: I mean, I definitely relate to that and I think, you know, my role in that was if I could just love them enough and have all the right steps and how to be the perfect mom, then they wouldn't have to suffer.
• 15:19
  Danae: And yeah, they would be these big, you know, world changers, whatever that idea was in my mind was, you know, with all of my intention and all of my work and time.
• 15:33
  Danae: I guess I would like produce these, you know, mega adults.
• 15:38
  Danae: I mean, and so I think that's definitely where a lot of money.
• 15:42
  Danae: My hiccups with parenting.
• 15:44
  Danae: A lot of my fear of parenting was that I had to get it.
• 15:46
  Danae: All right.
• 15:48
  Danae: So they would grow up right.
• 15:51
  Danae: To have the right life, you know, and what a burden.
• 15:56
  Danae: Absolutely.
• 15:57
  Danae: And what a lie.
• 15:59
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:59
  Danae: You forget
• 16:00
  that our kids just like us are humans and part of growing up is making mistakes.
• 16:06
  That's what makes you a maturing human.
• 16:10
  That has a pool of experiences to draw from.
• 16:14
  And on most of the time is from our mistakes.
• 16:16
  They're like, I'm not doing that again.
• 16:18
  So that's
• 16:20
  Danae: yeah.
• 16:20
  Danae: Why did I think though, then, you know, my children, whatever I, whatever I did, you know, then they wouldn't have to make mistakes, you know, even you saying it now, and even though I know it now in my head, I still want to reject that
• 16:36
  Christie: as if generations of parents prior to us.
• 16:40
  Danae: Yeah, I'll do the opposite of what my parents did.
• 16:44
  Danae: Who did the opposite of what their parents did thinking
• 16:46
  Cheryl: we'd get it.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: All right.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: Even with best intentions.
• 16:49
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:49
  Cheryl: So let me ask you with all these years, if you were to go back, what would you say should have been your priority in parenting your goal?
• 17:01
  Cheryl: What would be the goal?
• 17:03
  Danae: Yeah, I think, um, one thing, knowing my children now as adults is that I wish I would have been more focused on helping them be who they are because now that's what I enjoy.
• 17:17
  Danae: And I want to enjoy more about them as how unique and different and the insights that they have in the world that they bring to me that I don't have.
• 17:26
  Danae: I am.
• 17:27
  Danae: And so I've wished I would have relaxed more.
• 17:31
  Danae: And really just focused more on being with them and having the times with them and the relationship with them, instead of so worried and focused on the outcome,
• 17:46
  we don't understand, or we don't realize that we are establishing fringe.
• 17:51
  Right now with our 20 somethings, we just assume that it's there because we've loved them and they've loved us back.
• 17:59
  But now it really is.
• 18:01
  Let's have a friendship.
• 18:03
  Danae: When, how does that look going forward?
• 18:06
  Christie: Because the truth is no matter how we did everything right.
• 18:09
  Christie: Or loved them well, or any of those things, life is still going to go on.
• 18:13
  Christie: Even after.
• 18:14
  Christie: They leave our homes.
• 18:16
  Christie: And so to be able to have that relationship with them and walk through life with them is really the only thing that lasts.
• 18:23
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 18:23
  Cheryl: So I think that's it.
• 18:24
  Cheryl: Kristy said the word relationship, and we've even said it in the past, on the episode.
• 18:31
  Cheryl: How about if we quit using parent as a verb how do you parent your children?
• 18:36
  Cheryl: My parent, my children.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: Are in a relationship with our children and that what if we had, we could wind back and just our focus to be a genuine relationship where I'm still the parent and they're the children appropriately, but my focus is loving them better.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: You said individually, and that we work on the relationship, which is what I think all of us are saying.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: Now we're trying to do.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: But that, that was our goal, even though it looks different.
• 19:07
  Cheryl: What do y'all think?
• 19:09
  Danae: Yeah, I think the first thing, and maybe this just a phrase I've heard a lot, like don't just be friends with your children.
• 19:15
  Danae: So I think that definitely would take some more time to unpack.
• 19:18
  Danae: Like how, how are you, you know, in having relationship with your children when they're younger, but you said appropriate, you know?
• 19:26
  Danae: And so a little bit more about that.
• 19:28
  Danae: Um, talking about that,
• 19:30
  Cheryl: and I think we're seeing.
• 19:34
  Cheryl: Tim conversations on this, but it was just interesting.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: The other day, one of my daughters said to me, Um, mom, the parents that I see struggling the most in the relationship with their grown children, particularly the moms who tried to be best buds.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: And so let's hang out, let's buy matching purchase.
• 19:55
  Cheryl: Now it's one thing.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: I mean, the, my most favorite outfit I've ever owned in life was a blue and white sear sucker kind of native.
• 20:03
  Cheryl: Themed dress that my mother and I both had, but I was in second or third grade.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: And I just thought it was the most wonderful thing in the world.
• 20:11
  Cheryl (2): But the moms that are trying to buy matching boots and not just to have a friendship, but they're trying to be best buds.
• 20:17
  Cheryl (2): And it was just interesting.
• 20:18
  Cheryl (2): What you're saying is that she sees those mothers really struggling, It probably wasn't, it wasn't appropriate to be best buds with their children's that go growing, but we all do want to be that great friend now It's a little bit like eating your dessert
• 20:32
  Christie: first things at the appropriate time.
• 20:36
  Christie: And then you look back and you think, well, that didn't.
• 20:40
  Cheryl: This is so fun.
• 20:42
  Cheryl: Let's come back in next time and let's continue this.
• 20:45
  Cheryl: Cause we bought up huge issue to the identity that this, all of these let's come back in.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: Let's hash this out some more and um, it's just a delight to talk.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: We could all sit for 10 more hours I thing.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: So moms remember, hang in there.
• 21:03
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's.
• 21:06
  Cheryl: Yes, it is..