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Transcript

19 | The False Scrivener* · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Eric: So I've reached uh I've ascended to a higher level of boredom.
• 0:09
  Matt: Oh, what an what an exciting way to start this podcast.
• 0:13
  Matt: What what how did you ascend?
• 0:15
  Eric: Uh so as we uh we're not out of it yet, the these COVID times.
• 0:19
  Eric: We're not out of it.
• 0:20
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 0:20
  Matt: Um contrary to popular belief.
• 0:22
  Eric: There I see a pinprick off in the distance.
• 0:25
  Eric: Like I'm like I'm at the bottom of the well and I'm looking up and I see a pinprick that could be stars.
• 0:29
  Matt: Uh yeah, you're about to do you're you're like doing the Dark Knight Rises, you know, that brick climb.
• 0:36
  Matt: Yes, yes.
• 0:37
  Matt: You're the broken black.
• 0:41
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 0:41
  Eric: Yeah.
• 0:42
  Eric: That's you.
• 0:42
  Eric: Yeah.
• 0:43
  Eric: Um yeah.
• 0:45
  Eric: Uh so my absolute equivalent to that.
• 0:49
  Eric: Um that struggle.
• 0:51
  Eric: Uh, I got a scrivener's kit.
• 0:53
  Eric: All right, stop the podcast.
• 0:55
  Eric: Uh hey all, this is poach.
• 0:58
  Eric: Uh not the one you're listening to right now, but that's me from like a couple of weeks ago.
• 1:03
  Eric: This is me editing this episode, episode 19, right now.
• 1:08
  Eric: Uh and realizing much to my horror that the word I just used, scrivener, is not the correct word.
• 1:17
  Eric: The correct word would be scrimmsander, a person who performs the art of scrimshaw.
• 1:25
  Eric: But I didn't use that word.
• 1:27
  Eric: I said scrivener.
• 1:28
  Eric: I said scrivener, and I got Matt saying scrivener.
• 1:31
  Eric: And then we proceeded to use the wrong word for the entire fucking episode.
• 1:37
  Eric: I say that so I can say this.
• 1:40
  Eric: I am I am so sorry.
• 1:45
  Eric: And uh I'm just gonna be checking back in with you throughout the episode as I edit it to let you know how sorry and how wrong I am.
• 1:56
  Eric: Please forgive me.
• 1:58
  Eric: And God have mercy on my soul.
• 2:02
  Eric: A scri a scrivener's kit?
• 2:05
  Eric: What what you and surely all of our listeners are asking yourselves is Is why did you use the wrong word, Eric?
• 2:13
  Eric: That's the incorrect word.
• 2:15
  Eric: Words have meaning, Eric, and you use the wrong one.
• 2:18
  Eric: God I'm sorry, back to the show.
• 2:21
  Eric: What is a scrivener's kit?
• 2:23
  Eric: I'm glad you asked.
• 2:25
  Eric: Um a scrivener's kit uh scrivening scrip scrivenery Scrivening Scrivening Not scribbing.
• 2:33
  Eric: Scrip scriv scri the scrip the scrivening is It is a lie.
• 2:39
  Eric: It is a lie that you told to the people who trusted you to entertain them, you son of a bitch! Is the art of uh etching and carving like designs and like art into bone?
• 2:54
  Eric: Uh as made as made popular by whalers of the 18th century.
• 3:01
  Eric: Okay, what what Captain Ahab shit have you gotten yourself into?
• 3:05
  Eric: We're all right, let me tell you what 2021 has brought us.
• 3:08
  Eric: We have been isolated, we've been from each other, we've spent long periods of time indoors, and we lied to our listeners! Yes.
• 3:24
  Eric: Uh, and everyone started singing fucking sea shanties.
• 3:28
  Eric: So I'm we got past the sea shanties phase.
• 3:33
  Matt: That was that was 2020.
• 3:36
  Eric: But we did it.
• 3:38
  Eric: But we did it.
• 3:40
  Eric: But now I'm trying to take it to the next level.
• 3:41
  Eric: Now I'm like, all right, what is my shipboard trade?
• 3:44
  Eric: What is gonna be what's gonna get me like extra rations at supper?
• 3:48
  Eric: And I'm gonna be a script nah.
• 3:50
  Eric: Yeah, uh traditionally uh it was like carving into whale bone?
• 3:55
  Eric: Into like whale ivory and shit.
• 3:56
  Eric: Now, now now mind you, dear listeners, uh your boy, your boy poach is not carving into uh whale ivory.
• 4:04
  Eric: I have like a I got this little kit, it comes like faux bone.
• 4:07
  Eric: It's like fake.
• 4:09
  Eric: It's it looks and feels like bone.
• 4:11
  Matt: You can trust him because his last name is Poach.
• 4:14
  Matt: Okay.
• 4:16
  Matt: Alright.
• 4:17
  Eric: I've incriminated you with your own lineage.
• 4:20
  Eric: Um so yeah, that all said, I'm just gonna I've reached level four to where I'll be sitting in a corner.
• 4:27
  Eric: Okay, but how does this work exactly?
• 4:28
  Eric: Like, what are you how do you fucking all right, Matt, take a fucking hunk of bone, take it?
• 4:34
  Eric: Where are you getting the bone?
• 4:36
  Eric: Man, if if I'm on Is this a confession tape?
• 4:41
  Eric: Oh Matthew, you beautiful fool.
• 4:44
  Eric: If only you knew.
• 4:46
  Eric: If only you knew.
• 4:49
  Eric: Okay.
• 4:50
  Eric: I have fake bone that I'm carving.
• 4:53
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Where I will get bone after a false scrivener.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_02: The only one and true thing that has ever been said on this podcast.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, Matthew, I am.
• 5:07
  Eric: I am a false scrivener, and let me wear that stain upon my breast until I die alone and friendless, and bury me in a pauper's grave.
• 5:29
  Matt: A false scrivener sits before me.
• 5:33
  Eric: Oh my god, Eric Adia Poach, you stand accused.
• 5:38
  Eric: You stand accused of false scrivening.
• 5:42
  Eric: You have borne false scrivens.
• 5:45
  Eric: How do you plead?
• 5:46
  Eric: Please, sir.
• 5:48
  Eric: You must understand.
• 5:49
  Eric: My wife, me child, they got they got the you know, 18th century disease.
• 5:57
  Eric: They got that coughing blood disease they do.
• 5:59
  Eric: All our handkerchiefs, and they're just covered in blood.
• 6:01
  Eric: That's the best you can cover.
• 6:04
  Eric: That's the best cough and blood disease.
• 6:06
  Eric: That's the best that Victorian fiction could come up with for about a century was like, oh, how do we show that this this girl's sick?
• 6:14
  Eric: Have her clock on a bloody handkerchief.
• 6:17
  Matt: Well, yeah, and you know that like it mo a lot of classic literature was perfectly content to just call that like, oh, they they got the uh the the dreaded the dread cough.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: The dread cough.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: They got the consumption.
• 6:31
  Eric: I know I don't know what consumption is, but I think I think it's I think it's I think it involves coughing blood.
• 6:37
  Eric: It involves coughing blood into a handkerchief.
• 6:40
  Matt: I know enough about I know enough about coughing up blood.
• 6:43
  Eric: The key, the key to the let's change gears now.
• 6:46
  Eric: The key to the coughing blood syndrome is you are fine.
• 6:50
  Eric: You are perfectly fine aside from the fact that only when other people are like about to leave a room, you're like oh, and but then all of a sudden you're you're you are bedridden, you are pale, your eyes are all sunken and hollow, and you're waxy.
• 7:06
  Eric: So, yeah, that's that's what I'm trying to embody with my scrivening.
• 7:10
  Matt: Yeah, that's what you've gotten into in the recent in the tail end of the isolation that we're in.
• 7:18
  Matt: Yeah.
• 7:19
  Matt: Interesting.
• 7:20
  unknown: Yeah.
• 7:21
  Eric: Where do you acquire this false bone?
• 7:26
  Eric: Guy behind a dumpster behind 7-Eleven?
• 7:28
  Eric: What?
• 7:29
  Matt: Oh no.
• 7:31
  Matt: I'm concerned.
• 7:47
  Eric: See, the kids in in Victorian Lurgy, they don't get they don't cough up the blood, but they do get the coughing disease, like the chimney sweep kids.
• 7:54
  Matt: And welcome back to another episode of You Didn't Ask for This, podcast answering all of life's least pressing questions.
• 8:03
  Matt: My name is Matt Shea.
• 8:04
  Matt: My name is Eric Poach.
• 8:06
  Matt: And Eric, the false scrivener poach, sits before me.
• 8:11
  Matt: I have born false scriven.
• 8:13
  Matt: Uh man, we have a good one for you today here on the 19th.
• 8:18
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 8:19
  Matt: 19th.
• 8:20
  Matt: We you know, uh, I I don't want to fully tease what we got planned for episode 20, but I am very excited that we are on the precipice of our 20th episode.
• 8:36
  Eric: Big two-o, baby.
• 8:38
  Matt: Big two-o, baby.
• 8:38
  Eric: Not a girl, not yet a woman, baby.
• 8:43
  Matt: That's us.
• 8:44
  Eric: Uh can that be our opening song for episode 20?
• 8:48
  Matt: Yeah, sure.
• 8:49
  Matt: Let's get let's blow, let's blow our budget on those copyright.
• 8:53
  Eric: I'll I'll do my savings for that 20 seconds.
• 8:56
  Matt: Uh and you know, I know typically this is this is the point of the show where we kind of uh uh you know shenanigans take take hold.
• 9:06
  Matt: Um but I I gotta be honest, we gotta I think we gotta pack show.
• 9:10
  Eric: We gotta, yeah, we gotta we gotta get right into it.
• 9:12
  Matt: We uh hey Matt, we gotta put this bun in the oven.
• 9:16
  Matt: We gotta put this bun in the oven.
• 9:19
  Matt: For those of you who follow us on Instagram, a while back, we put out a call for uh a new ranking.
• 9:26
  Matt: We haven't done a definitive ranking in a little while since our uh called You Answered.
• 9:31
  Matt: We called you answered.
• 9:33
  Matt: Uh our last definitive and only definitive ranking so far was of the uh the chocolates in the uh the Valentine's Day Hearts, or of course the far superior sampler.
• 9:48
  Matt: Uh so go on back to uh that episode and check it out.
• 9:52
  Matt: It's called He Went to Whitman's.
• 9:54
  Matt: But today we are gonna be covering what we asked of you, which was what is the best free bread at Shane restaurants?
• 10:07
  Matt: And boy, did you deliver.
• 10:10
  Matt: Oh boy, did you?
• 10:12
  Matt: Uh, but what?
• 10:14
  Matt: I think Eric, we gotta warm up a little bit.
• 10:15
  Matt: We gotta ease into the main attraction.
• 10:19
  Matt: So, you know, let's go let's go.
• 10:21
  Eric: We're gonna let that one marinate.
• 10:22
  Eric: We're gonna let that we're gonna let that rise.
• 10:23
  Eric: Yeah, let's let it prove.
• 10:25
  Matt: We're gonna let it prove.
• 10:26
  Matt: We're gonna let it prove.
• 10:26
  Matt: Okay.
• 10:27
  Matt: Uh, and while it's proving, why don't we do the um, since that's our main attraction, we gotta do our we gotta do the coming attractions.
• 10:34
  Matt: Yep.
• 10:34
  Matt: We gotta do those previews.
• 10:36
  Matt: Uh you wanna hit us, Eric, with our first question of the day?
• 10:40
  Matt: Matthew.
• 10:41
  Eric: I would love to.
• 10:43
  Eric: Our first question comes from What's that dark place over there?
• 10:48
  Eric: That is Reddit.
• 10:49
  Eric: You must never go there.
• 10:51
  Eric: And from Reddit.
• 10:52
  Eric: Reddit did.
• 10:52
  Eric: Oh, we did.
• 10:54
  Eric: We went there, so you don't have to.
• 10:56
  Eric: We went yeah.
• 10:57
  Eric: We went to this dark, shadowy place.
• 10:59
  Eric: Ah, Reddit's not that bad.
• 11:00
  Eric: But um, our question from Reddit from user Anubis2059 is if life gives you lemons, then what does death give you?
• 11:11
  Matt: It's so juicy, this question, I feel.
• 11:15
  Matt: Because you get lemons.
• 11:17
  Matt: So, of course, as we all know, if life gives this is something your shitty coworker says to you, uh, when when you know you've had a project, you know, your computer crashed, you lost your whole project, yeah, and somebody goes, Well, you know what they say if life gives you lemons.
• 11:36
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 11:37
  Eric: It's like the same pieces of shit who just say, It is what it is.
• 11:40
  Eric: Oh, well, I know it's not.
• 11:43
  Matt: You lost an entire Excel spreadsheet.
• 11:46
  Matt: Uh hours and hours of work are gone, Lloyd.
• 11:50
  Matt: Fucking Lloyd.
• 11:52
  Matt: Fucking Lloyd.
• 11:54
  Matt: Uh so it I I'm not a big fan of the phrase if life gives you lemons.
• 11:59
  Matt: I don't think you make lemonade is, of course, the rest of the phrase that Anubis 252059 didn't didn't want to fuck with.
• 12:08
  Eric: This is it's one of those phrases where I don't think I've ever heard a single person say it to me unironically, in my entire thing.
• 12:16
  Matt: That's what I'm saying.
• 12:17
  Matt: That's why I put on the Lloyd voice.
• 12:19
  Matt: Yeah.
• 12:19
  Matt: Because I agree.
• 12:21
  Matt: No one has said it to me unironically.
• 12:23
  Matt: I don't think so.
• 12:24
  Eric: So so what we are working with here, and then and I just wanted to establish this, is when life gives you lemon, it's a very ironic, very like it's a sarcastic kind of saying.
• 12:36
  Eric: We are dealing in its opposite, we're dealing in its foil.
• 12:41
  Eric: So, like, when life gives you lemons, death gives you blanks.
• 12:44
  Eric: We're already working at polar opposites.
• 12:46
  Eric: So I think whatever we come up with, this new phrase that will be said by everyone in the year of our Lord 2021, um, it needs to it needs to have absolute gravity and not a trace of sarcasm or irony to it.
• 13:02
  Eric: This is it needs to be something we hold in our fucking hearts, Matthew.
• 13:06
  Matt: And and I think it is important to realize that it does need to be, I think what we're doing here is we are determining what the opposite of lemonade is.
• 13:17
  Eric: We're determining what the opposite of lemonade is like literally and metaphysically.
• 13:24
  Eric: It has to meet it has to be in that then diagram.
• 13:26
  Matt: I do think it needs to meet your spiritual requirements that you've put out that you've put forth.
• 13:31
  Matt: But I do have to say, in saying what is the opposite of lemonade, I do feel like an obvious candidate jumps right to the front, and that is uh lemonade's frequent partner in offering crime iced tea.
• 13:49
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 13:51
  Eric: Oh I mean, oh, are I love tea?
• 13:54
  Matt: and lemonade not always options together.
• 13:57
  Eric: Let me let me give you this.
• 13:59
  Eric: I I love where your head's at right now.
• 14:01
  Eric: Thanks.
• 14:02
  Eric: Um I'm just gonna take it, I'm just gonna take it a little step further because the I because the other idea at play here is life, the good thing, gives you lemons, the bad thing that you turn into a good thing, which is lemonade.
• 14:16
  Eric: So we need death, a bad thing, giving you tea a good thing to give us a bad thing.
• 14:24
  Matt: Well, I don't want to come out against iced tea.
• 14:27
  Matt: It's no, all I want to say is it's not my thing necessarily, but it is some people's thing, and I respect that.
• 14:34
  Matt: Here's here's here's what I would say.
• 14:37
  Matt: Um say it.
• 14:39
  Matt: Don't be afraid.
• 14:40
  Matt: When I sounded a little baney just now, didn't I?
• 14:44
  Matt: Don't be afraid.
• 14:45
  Matt: You were born to the lemonade.
• 14:47
  Matt: I was born into the iced tea.
• 14:50
  Matt: Molded by it.
• 14:52
  Eric: Molded by it.
• 14:53
  Eric: Spinning wheel.
• 14:54
  Eric: By the time I had lemonade, I was already a man.
• 14:57
  Eric: And it was tangy.
• 15:00
  Eric: Um, so uh so uh what I want to take further, uh like just a just a little step further in in the tea metaphor.
• 15:10
  Eric: So I don't think iced tea would be the opposite of lemonade because lemonade's cold and iced.
• 15:15
  Eric: I think we're dealing with a hot tea.
• 15:18
  Eric: A hot tea.
• 15:19
  Eric: When death serves you a cup of tea, what do you do?
• 15:25
  Matt: Now sip that shit?
• 15:27
  Matt: I got hold.
• 15:27
  Matt: I'm gonna back you up here a little bit.
• 15:28
  Matt: Yeah.
• 15:29
  Matt: I'm gonna back you up a little bit.
• 15:30
  Matt: Okay.
• 15:30
  Matt: Death can't serve us the the the tea because the tea is a brewed beverage.
• 15:36
  Matt: It's already made, just like a lemonade is made.
• 15:39
  Matt: So we have to go back.
• 15:40
  Eric: It has to be the right, right, right, right, right, right, right.
• 15:44
  Matt: We have to end on tea.
• 15:45
  Matt: So it they it needs to be the uh you know, the leaves.
• 15:49
  Matt: Yeah, the the what?
• 15:52
  Matt: No, no, that's uh I was like, right.
• 15:54
  Eric: How do we did you say wheat?
• 15:57
  Eric: Do you make tea out of wheat?
• 15:58
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 16:00
  Eric: I was saying the word we.
• 16:01
  Eric: Um but uh it was my brain going, oh right, we need to find a way to logic death giving us tea leaves.
• 16:10
  Matt: Well now, I don't want to be uh I go into researchable fact uh uh territory too far, but is not tea leaves I seem to remember tea leaves being somewhat linked to death in some religion or spirituality.
• 16:26
  Eric: Reading tea leaves that can be.
• 16:29
  Eric: I think doom and death.
• 16:31
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, I think that's maybe what I'm thinking of.
• 16:33
  Eric: Yeah.
• 16:34
  Eric: Um so when death gives you fucking tea, you make tea with it.
• 16:46
  Eric: That's like that.
• 16:47
  Eric: But uh can I I but we wanna so so we get which I'm I'm honestly hard pressed to think of it at a time I've ever received a lemon and been sad about it.
• 16:59
  Matt: Do we not get lemons to spice up water?
• 17:03
  Matt: Lemons.
• 17:04
  Matt: Do we not get and we get lemons to put in iced tea?
• 17:07
  Eric: You know, for something that I'm supposed to hate, why am I paying a buck fifty for it as opposed to like 25 cents for a lime?
• 17:15
  Eric: Because lemonade is a good thing.
• 17:20
  Eric: Let's keep it there.
• 17:20
  Eric: Death gives you lemonade.
• 17:22
  Eric: Wait a minute, quit.
• 17:23
  Eric: It is sweet.
• 17:24
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 17:26
  Eric: Oh, yeah, okay.
• 17:30
  Matt: If we are cutting it, I can make this right now.
• 17:41
  Eric: Lemonade's got a hard zone.
• 17:43
  Eric: I have deposited kittenstones.
• 17:44
  Eric: So I think we agree.
• 17:47
  Eric: You know what death gives you?
• 17:48
  Eric: You're fucking dead.
• 17:49
  Eric: You have returned to the loam.
• 17:51
  Eric: It doesn't matter.
• 17:53
  Eric: Nothing matters.
• 17:57
  Eric: When death when death when death gives you a freeze pop, it's made out of soup.
• 18:04
  Eric: When we kind of flip the script here.
• 18:06
  Eric: We kind of flip the script here.
• 18:07
  Eric: So like you think you're getting a good thing.
• 18:09
  Eric: You're like, when life gives you lemon, you make lemonade.
• 18:11
  Eric: When death gives you a freezy pop, it's made of soup.
• 18:15
  Eric: You see what I'm doing here?
• 18:16
  Matt: I do see what you're doing here.
• 18:18
  Eric: Because that's kind of it it is solid.
• 18:21
  Eric: Because life is, hey, here, hey, you think I'm the bad guy, but turns out you can make it good.
• 18:26
  Eric: Debs over here, like, yo, dog, want freezy pop?
• 18:29
  Eric: Love you.
• 18:30
  Eric: And then you bite into your like minister, and he's like, It it's kind of the prestige.
• 18:39
  Matt: You know, I think after the the struggle we have had to answer this question, fucking hell.
• 18:46
  Matt: I think we can say definitively that death gives you soup.
• 18:51
  Eric: Death gives you soup.
• 18:52
  Eric: To which you make a freezy pop.
• 18:54
  Eric: I think death just hands you a freezy pop that turns out to be made out of soup.
• 18:59
  Eric: That's what I'm saying.
• 19:00
  Eric: Like, like, if if I have two beings here, like, let's personify them.
• 19:05
  Eric: Got my homie, my homie life, my homie death.
• 19:08
  Eric: Homie life is like, yo, Doug, here's a lemon, and you're like, whoa, dick.
• 19:11
  Eric: And he's like, bro, you can make lemonade out of it.
• 19:13
  Eric: I'm like, yo, thanks, life.
• 19:15
  Eric: But then homie death comes in and he's like, hey, yo, Doug, here's a freezy pop.
• 19:21
  Eric: I'm like, Doug?
• 19:22
  Eric: Hey, yo, Doug.
• 19:23
  Eric: Who's Doug?
• 19:24
  Eric: You know?
• 19:25
  Eric: Um, in this scenario, my name is Doug.
• 19:29
  Eric: Oh, I see, I see.
• 19:30
  Eric: Um, but he's like, hey, Doug, here's this freezy pop.
• 19:34
  Eric: I know how much you love them.
• 19:35
  Eric: I'm like, Death, you fucking rule.
• 19:37
  Eric: And I bite into it, and it's like, Campbell's chunky.
• 19:40
  Eric: And I'm like, This is fucking it.
• 19:41
  Matt: This is fucking it.
• 19:42
  Matt: We fucking did it.
• 19:43
  Matt: That's it.
• 19:44
  Matt: We had to burn the house down to do it, but we did it.
• 19:48
  Eric: We experienced the podcast version of ego death.
• 19:52
  Matt: And now let's take that soup.
• 19:54
  Matt: That soup.
• 19:55
  Matt: Because what goes with soup?
• 19:57
  Matt: What goes better with soup than anything else?
• 20:00
  Eric: Let me check the proof.
• 20:01
  Eric: Oh, that shit is risen.
• 20:03
  Eric: It has risen.
• 20:04
  Eric: It is risen.
• 20:06
  Eric: Have you heard the good news?
• 20:09
  Eric: What?
• 20:09
  Matt: Oh, that he is risen?
• 20:11
  Matt: He is risen! We asked you, our good faithful fans, to tell us what the best and worst free, that's a key word, breads are that are offered at chain restaurants.
• 20:27
  Matt: It's a very specific set.
• 20:30
  Matt: For example, somebody suggested to us Panera's bread.
• 20:35
  Matt: I'm afraid Panera's bread does not meet the requirements because although Panera is a chain, that is not free bread.
• 20:41
  Matt: Shit's gotta be free, Doug.
• 20:42
  Matt: You it might come as a side, but you gotta pay, you can't just walk in and expect bread.
• 20:47
  Matt: No.
• 20:47
  Matt: When you walk into some restaurants, you are seated at the table and they give you bread.
• 20:53
  Matt: And those or a bread product.
• 20:55
  Eric: If it is something that I conceivably, like if I walk into the restaurant and there's a long wait and it's and I can and I just look over and go, yo, can I get like a basket of it?
• 21:06
  Eric: And they're like, sure.
• 21:07
  Eric: They'll just bring it to you.
• 21:08
  Eric: There we are.
• 21:10
  Matt: You you're you're getting terrible service, your waiter hasn't come yet, but you at least have something to eat because it's free and it's there and it's bread.
• 21:17
  Matt: That's what we're talking about.
• 21:19
  Matt: Yep.
• 21:19
  Matt: So, Eric, we're gonna do, I think we do this similar to how we do the the Valentine's Day.
• 21:23
  Matt: We give some grades.
• 21:24
  Matt: Now, with the Valentine's Day, we gave it Whitmans.
• 21:27
  Matt: One out of ten Whitmans.
• 21:29
  Eric: One out of ten Whitmans.
• 21:30
  Eric: It's the best scale.
• 21:31
  Eric: Uh but for this one, I'm thinking we're on a scale of one to ten carbs.
• 21:36
  Eric: I love it.
• 21:37
  Eric: And that's one to ten carbs.
• 21:38
  Eric: And that goes out.
• 21:39
  Eric: Um god, my brain just fucking froze.
• 21:45
  Eric: It broke.
• 21:45
  Eric: I saw it happen.
• 21:46
  Eric: It you you you you never mind.
• 21:50
  Eric: One out of ten carbs.
• 21:53
  Matt: Okay.
• 21:53
  Matt: Yes.
• 21:54
  Matt: One out of ten carbs.
• 21:55
  Matt: Now, uh sh I I think we'll go down the list because we did have to actually.
• 22:00
  Matt: We added some that I think should be in contention.
• 22:03
  Matt: Oh, should we should we start with what was given to us?
• 22:06
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 22:07
  Eric: Let's let's the the ones given to us by our dear listeners.
• 22:10
  Matt: Now we have four entered in the best category.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 22:15
  Matt: And I'm gonna go through them in uh alphabetical order.
• 22:19
  Matt: Okay.
• 22:19
  Matt: So to not betray any uh any feelings.
• 22:23
  Matt: Any preference.
• 22:23
  Matt: Right?
• 22:24
  Matt: We'll keep it neutral.
• 22:24
  Matt: Okay.
• 22:25
  Matt: We've got the Cheesecake Factory Brown bread.
• 22:30
  Matt: To which I of course want to say of course.
• 22:33
  Eric: What happened to not editorializing it?
• 22:35
  Matt: Sorry, it might be.
• 22:36
  Matt: I sure did betray myself right away.
• 22:38
  Matt: We have the olive garden.
• 22:41
  Matt: Yep.
• 22:41
  Matt: I am so sorry.
• 22:42
  Matt: Um uh I hate to be lectured by a false scrivener, but okay.
• 22:47
  Matt: Oh the olive garden breadsticks.
• 22:51
  Eric: Yep, everyone's at them.
• 22:53
  Matt: Uh I don't have to go through all these.
• 22:55
  Matt: Why don't you say one?
• 22:56
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 22:57
  Eric: The next one on the list is the Red Lobster China Bay Biscuits!
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_04: Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!
• 23:06
  Matt: Um, followed by Texas Roadhouses Followed by Texas Roadhouses rolls with the honey butter.
• 23:16
  Matt: That is specific, of course.
• 23:18
  Matt: We also got a couple worsts.
• 23:20
  Matt: We did get some worsts.
• 23:21
  Matt: The first one is an interesting one on the worst list.
• 23:24
  Matt: Hooters.
• 23:25
  Matt: Hooters.
• 23:26
  Matt: Which We'll get into it.
• 23:28
  Matt: We'll get into it.
• 23:28
  Matt: We'll get into it.
• 23:29
  Matt: We'll circle back.
• 23:30
  Matt: We'll circle back.
• 23:31
  Matt: Hooters is followed by.
• 23:33
  Matt: Oh, I actually skipped this one in alphabetical order, I suppose.
• 23:36
  Matt: Harvester.
• 23:38
  Matt: Parentheses UK only?
• 23:42
  Matt: Yes.
• 23:42
  Matt: Again, we'll we'll come back to it.
• 23:44
  Matt: We'll come back to it.
• 23:45
  Matt: And then, of course, we have O'Charlies.
• 23:49
  Matt: You know.
• 23:50
  Matt: O Charlie's?
• 23:52
  Matt: That one.
• 23:53
  Matt: You know.
• 23:53
  Matt: Again, we're not going to betray anything.
• 23:55
  Matt: We're not going to betray anything.
• 23:56
  Matt: We're not going to betray anything.
• 23:56
  Matt: Then so here's some candidates we felt should be included that weren't given to us.
• 24:01
  Matt: Carabas, bread with the oil.
• 24:04
  Eric: Uh, just a quick correction.
• 24:05
  Eric: Uh in the in the Italian.
• 24:07
  Matt: Carabas.
• 24:08
  Matt: Carabahs.
• 24:09
  Matt: Bread with the oil.
• 24:13
  Matt: Was that racist?
• 24:16
  Matt: Probably, yeah.
• 24:17
  Matt: Uh okay, you want to go into the uh Yeah, uh, we got Cracker Barrels biscuits.
• 24:23
  Matt: Uh we got Longhorn Steakhouses rolls with butter.
• 24:27
  Eric: And finally, Outback Steakhouses, no rules, just right, pumpernickel loaf.
• 24:35
  Matt: Of course.
• 24:36
  Matt: So why don't we start, Eric?
• 24:38
  Matt: I know this this might be controversial.
• 24:40
  Matt: No, I'm I can goddamn guarantee you it will be.
• 24:43
  Matt: Why don't we start with these worsts?
• 24:45
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 24:46
  Matt: Because I feel like we can get them out of the way.
• 24:48
  Matt: Let's start with Harvester UK only.
• 24:51
  Matt: Never heard of this establishment.
• 24:52
  Matt: Friends.
• 24:53
  Matt: I'm gonna Google them.
• 24:55
  Matt: I've we've never heard of this establishment.
• 24:57
  Matt: Uh, it was, I believe, given to us by a UK listener who did say I think this is UK only, uh, in which case it is unfortunate uh that us Americans have to judge it.
• 25:11
  Matt: Eric, do you have the results?
• 25:12
  Eric: I do.
• 25:13
  Eric: I just want you to know when I Google it, Harvester Restaurants, home of great value family food.
• 25:20
  Eric: And it looks like it.
• 25:24
  Eric: Your favorite.
• 25:25
  Eric: Oh, sorry, let me let me read let me read this copy in the appropriate way.
• 25:28
  Eric: Thank you.
• 25:30
  Eric: Uh your favorite dishes freshly prepared on the char grill.
• 25:34
  Eric: Plus unlimited salad, guff.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_04: Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
• 25:39
  Matt: Okay, but have you determined if it's UK only or not?
• 25:42
  Matt: Oh no, it is.
• 25:43
  Eric: I mean, they call it that Matt, they say dishes freshly prepared on the char grill.
• 25:49
  Eric: Have you ever heard an American citizen refer to say, oh yeah, just put it on the char grill?
• 25:56
  Matt: Fair.
• 25:56
  Matt: Nah.
• 25:57
  Matt: So it's UK only.
• 25:59
  Matt: We have no way of trying it.
• 26:01
  Matt: Uh no.
• 26:02
  Eric: Looking at this menu.
• 26:04
  Eric: Let's see.
• 26:05
  Eric: Let's see what they got.
• 26:07
  Eric: Dessert menu, vegetarian menu.
• 26:10
  Eric: Alright, breakfast menu, kids menu, lunch menu, fucking great.
• 26:14
  Eric: Main menu.
• 26:15
  Eric: Starters.
• 26:17
  Matt: Eric, I just want I just want to point out.
• 26:19
  Matt: Um I don't want to criticize your Googling skills.
• 26:22
  Matt: Um Wikipedia says Harvester Restaurants is a family farmhouse style restaurant chain with over 230 outlets in the United Kingdom.
• 26:30
  unknown: Yeah.
• 26:31
  Eric: Oh, I thought I said that at the very beginning.
• 26:33
  Eric: That it was the U.
• 26:34
  Eric: Like I I uh when I read the Google, the the uh oh, I didn't read the actual, I was looking at the rolls where it says the UK's favorite great fountain.
• 26:42
  Eric: Yeah.
• 26:42
  unknown: The false.
• 26:43
  Eric: No, no, you good.
• 26:44
  Eric: You good I already know it's gonna be the fucking title of the episode.
• 26:49
  Eric: It could very well be.
• 26:51
  Eric: Um all right.
• 26:52
  Eric: So let's just check out on the side.
• 26:54
  Eric: Here we go.
• 26:55
  Eric: Do they even offer bread on the side?
• 26:58
  Matt: I we have to trust the whoever submitted this to us, I think.
• 27:03
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 27:05
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 27:06
  Eric: The only bread I see on their menu is garlic ciabatta dough balls.
• 27:11
  Eric: I mean, sounds good.
• 27:12
  Eric: That sounds good, but uh you know what?
• 27:14
  Matt: Here we were supposed to be knocking these out.
• 27:17
  Matt: Yeah, let's knock these out.
• 27:18
  Matt: Let's uh I think let's assume they're okay.
• 27:22
  Matt: But they lose points for not being uh in America.
• 27:25
  Matt: Sorry, we have to pull that card.
• 27:27
  Eric: Yeah, no, yeah.
• 27:28
  Eric: If you're gonna come at me with char grill, I mean you best don't correct.
• 27:32
  Matt: Sorry.
• 27:33
  Matt: I think we I think we gotta pull that card, but I do want to give it uh we're not sure.
• 27:37
  Matt: I don't I feel bad about giving it a zero.
• 27:39
  Matt: But it's it's still bread, right?
• 27:41
  Matt: It's still bread.
• 27:42
  Matt: It's still bread.
• 27:42
  Matt: Let's assume they're bread.
• 27:43
  Matt: They sound intriguing if these are the bites.
• 27:46
  Matt: Let's talk about a one.
• 27:47
  Eric: Let's talk about a let's let's give it a how about this?
• 27:52
  Eric: I haven't heard anything that would give that would cause me to give it a one, but I haven't heard anything give me cause to give it higher than that.
• 27:57
  Eric: I'd say give it a three.
• 27:59
  Eric: Alright.
• 28:00
  unknown: Three.
• 28:01
  Eric: Let's give it a three.
• 28:02
  Matt: Three for harvester.
• 28:03
  Eric: Three carbs.
• 28:04
  Eric: Three three three carb grills out of ten.
• 28:07
  Matt: Three carb char grills out of ten.
• 28:10
  Eric: Yeah.
• 28:10
  Matt: Now, the next one is interesting.
• 28:13
  Matt: The next one is Hooters.
• 28:16
  Eric: Now, when I originally saw this, I was like, oh, we should probably take this off the list.
• 28:20
  Eric: I've never had Hooters bread.
• 28:22
  Eric: And I realize I've never had Hooters Bread because I wasn't aware Hooters served bread.
• 28:27
  Matt: Now, I personally do not spend a great deal of time in a Hooters.
• 28:33
  Matt: I don't think I've been in a Hooters in about uh 10, 12 years.
• 28:38
  Matt: I think the last time I've ordered I've ordered some food in the pandemic from a Hooters that I have done.
• 28:44
  Matt: That I have done.
• 28:46
  Eric: I think sometimes you want a mediocre burger, you know?
• 28:49
  Eric: Sometimes you want mediocre burger.
• 28:50
  Eric: Sometimes you just want you just want to eat some breading with hot sauce on it.
• 28:54
  Matt: And in all those cases, in the ordering and in the I went in there for some wings, I didn't get any goddamn bread.
• 29:03
  Eric: I have never, never gotten bread.
• 29:07
  Eric: I've gotten bread in.
• 29:08
  Matt: I don't think they give you bread.
• 29:10
  Eric: Got breading on my wings.
• 29:11
  Eric: Got breading on my pickles.
• 29:13
  Eric: I just don't think they give you bread.
• 29:15
  Eric: I don't think they give you bread, which speaks, or if they do, I mean, I I'm trusting this person that they have bread.
• 29:20
  Eric: We'll work from the assumption that Hooters has bread.
• 29:22
  Eric: And with that assumption in mind, I have to assume it fucking sucks.
• 29:26
  Eric: Because I not only it's not like a oh yeah, I've never had their bread, it's like I wasn't even aware it existed.
• 29:32
  Matt: I really don't think it exists, and I I I do feel bad about giving it a zero without knowing for sure if it exists, right?
• 29:40
  Eric: It it's in this sort of like anti-existence.
• 29:44
  Matt: So I think maybe, Eric, what we need to do is we need to phone a friend.
• 29:49
  Eric: Oh what are you doing, have you?
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Ten percent with promo code.com.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Press one.
• 30:12
  Matt: This isn't any other inquiry, is it not?
• 30:15
  Matt: This is other inquiries, Matt.
• 30:20
  Matt: You be quiet.
• 30:21
  Matt: I'll do the talk.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't fuck this up.
• 30:33
  Matt: Hi, yes.
• 30:33
  Matt: Um, I uh I have not been to your establishment before, and I was just curious.
• 30:39
  Matt: Do you when we're seated, do we get any sort of like complimentary bread by any chance?
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, uh, you guys don't.
• 30:46
  Matt: Ah, damn.
• 30:48
  Matt: You know, I didn't think so, but thank you so much.
• 30:51
  unknown: No problem.
• 30:52
  Matt: All right, bye-bye.
• 30:53
  Matt: No, you don't get it.
• 30:55
  Matt: I called Hooters.
• 30:57
  Matt: False witness.
• 30:59
  Matt: False witness.
• 31:00
  Matt: It gets a negative 10.
• 31:02
  Eric: Yeah, it gets it is our only zero.
• 31:04
  Eric: It is zero.
• 31:06
  Eric: It is non-existent bread.
• 31:08
  Eric: It is zero.
• 31:10
  Eric: Fucking shitty ass hooters bread.
• 31:13
  Matt: It is zero.
• 31:14
  Matt: Uh so sorry.
• 31:16
  Eric: So sorry.
• 31:17
  Matt: Now that we've called Hooters.
• 31:19
  Eric: Yep.
• 31:19
  Eric: Now that we've established a rapport, uh, they are technically a sponsor.
• 31:23
  Eric: Um now.
• 31:25
  Matt: We have to move on to.
• 31:29
  Matt: That might be legally questionable.
• 31:31
  Matt: Uh-uh.
• 31:31
  Matt: Like recorded.
• 31:32
  Eric: I mean, people record.
• 31:33
  Eric: Claiming objectively that Hooters now sponsors you didn't ask for this, the podcast.
• 31:39
  Eric: Next up.
• 31:40
  Eric: Uh right right alongside Harvester, uh, O Charlie's.
• 31:46
  Matt: Now, I I went ahead and did the wiki on this.
• 31:49
  Matt: Okay.
• 31:50
  Matt: I also am not familiar with it.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 31:52
  Matt: Uh, it has more than 200 company-owned locations, and Charlie's is located in 17 southern and midwestern states, including three joint venture Charlie's restaurants in Louisiana.
• 32:08
  Matt: Louisiana?
• 32:09
  Matt: So we I am also not familiar with an O Charlie's.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 32:13
  Matt: Uh, so, but it does pop up on the list of like if you Google like free chain bread, it will be there.
• 32:22
  Eric: Okay.
• 32:23
  Matt: I I know that for a fact because I did it.
• 32:25
  Matt: Okay.
• 32:27
  Matt: Um, so do me a favor, Eric, why don't you Google that real quick so you can look at it?
• 32:31
  Eric: Alright.
• 32:32
  Eric: Okay, so we're gonna judge this book by its cover.
• 32:34
  Matt: Do O Charlie's Bread.
• 32:36
  Eric: Okay.
• 32:38
  Eric: O Charlie's Bread.
• 32:40
  Matt: Search that.
• 32:41
  Matt: Okay.
• 32:42
  Matt: Okay.
• 32:43
  Matt: They're plump.
• 32:44
  Matt: What I'm seeing is they're plump.
• 32:45
  Matt: They're plump.
• 32:47
  Matt: They're plump.
• 32:47
  Matt: They look great.
• 32:51
  Eric: They look great, but they also look legally distinct from.
• 33:02
  Eric: Okay.
• 33:02
  Eric: Okay, never mind.
• 33:03
  Eric: Never mind.
• 33:05
  Eric: Okay, we good, we good.
• 33:06
  Eric: Um, yeah, no, they look good.
• 33:08
  Eric: They look plump, they look fluffy.
• 33:10
  Eric: They look potentially butter.
• 33:12
  Matt: I will say that they are the image on the O'Charlie's gift card.
• 33:15
  Matt: So they have to be good enough.
• 33:17
  Eric: Okay, so that bread's got to slap.
• 33:19
  Matt: That's gotta slap.
• 33:20
  Matt: I I think that minimum we're talking a five.
• 33:22
  Matt: Yeah, I would say we haven't tasted it, but I think well, let's give it the five.
• 33:28
  Eric: Yeah.
• 33:28
  Eric: Oh, O'Charlie's even gives you the recipe.
• 33:33
  Matt: The actually it comes from O'Charlie's, or somebody's making it.
• 33:36
  Eric: Yeah, no, no, no.
• 33:37
  Eric: Like, I like on the internet.
• 33:39
  Eric: Um, oh, oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
• 33:42
  Eric: Yeah, this isn't just like a uh uh Oh no, this is a okay, but I can tell you this is another vote in its favor, is it's on the website secret copycat restaurant recipes, and someone made a like, hey, that's fucking Lubbo Charlie's yeast rolls.
• 33:57
  Eric: Here's the recipe we can.
• 33:59
  Matt: What I'm seeing is you get a lot of bread for your buck.
• 34:02
  Eric: Oh yeah, that is that is definitely that is good bread for my buck.
• 34:06
  Matt: So let's call that I think call it a five, right?
• 34:08
  Matt: We don't have the taste test.
• 34:09
  Matt: Yeah, we don't have the taste test.
• 34:11
  Matt: So now let's get into the should we get then to the user submitted bests, or should we get into the non-bests first?
• 34:20
  Eric: Let's get the uh let's get into the or should we just go down the list.
• 34:22
  Eric: Let's just go down the list.
• 34:23
  Matt: Let's go down the list.
• 34:25
  Matt: Uh the the uh let's just go down the list for the ones we haven't done yet.
• 34:29
  Matt: Yep.
• 34:30
  Matt: How about that?
• 34:30
  Matt: So first on the list alphabetically would be Carabas Bread with Oil.
• 34:34
  Matt: Carabas.
• 34:35
  Matt: Carabas.
• 34:37
  Matt: Uh it it is great.
• 34:41
  Eric: It is so I am a slut for bread with oil.
• 34:47
  Matt: I mean, it I will say this.
• 34:49
  Matt: It requires the oil.
• 34:52
  Matt: It necessitates the oil.
• 34:54
  Matt: The bread bowl is it's got like a crust that's kind of sharp.
• 35:00
  Eric: Yeah, like you need the oil to soften the blow of that bread.
• 35:03
  Eric: And the bread has to be that crunchy because you're dipping it in oil.
• 35:06
  Eric: Like it, it's a balance.
• 35:08
  Matt: But if my wife gives you lemons, death gives you original unoiled carabas bread.
• 35:14
  Eric: Ooh.
• 35:15
  Matt: Ooh.
• 35:16
  Matt: We answer the question.
• 35:17
  Matt: We answered the question.
• 35:18
  Matt: It yeah, it's unremarkable by itself.
• 35:20
  Matt: It needs the addition, but I think a lot of these do.
• 35:24
  Matt: A lot of these come with a signature topping.
• 35:26
  Eric: I'm gonna, I'm, I, yeah, I'm not gonna.
• 35:29
  Eric: I need to take each of these breads as they are meant to be experienced.
• 35:33
  Eric: And then it is meant to be experienced with the oil.
• 35:36
  Matt: Come as you are, yes.
• 35:38
  Matt: I think we're talking.
• 35:40
  Matt: I I think I think we're talking an eight.
• 35:42
  Eric: I I was gonna say an eight.
• 35:43
  Matt: I maybe a seven and a half.
• 35:46
  Eric: Between seven and eight, seven point five, I'd be happy with.
• 35:49
  Matt: Um Yeah, it's just I feel bad about anything under a seven, and I feel a little it I it's not anything above an eight would be weird.
• 35:57
  Matt: No, because like I'm having a slice or two out of Carabas.
• 36:00
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 36:00
  Matt: Because you got the same room for those mashed potatoes.
• 36:04
  Eric: You know, those famous Italian mashed potatoes.
• 36:06
  Matt: Yeah, but God, do those garlic mashed potatoes you're telling me you don't know what I'm talking about?
• 36:10
  Matt: I know what you're talking about.
• 36:12
  Matt: Come on.
• 36:13
  Matt: Anyway, uh, we're not going through the whole menu of these places.
• 36:17
  Matt: I think I because you can't just go bread after bread after bread.
• 36:21
  Eric: Yeah.
• 36:21
  Matt: I think can't go bread for bread.
• 36:23
  Matt: Yeah.
• 36:23
  Matt: I think it I think that lands in a 7.5 for me.
• 36:26
  Eric: 7.5.
• 36:27
  Eric: I think that's fair.
• 36:28
  Eric: I'm putting it in the books.
• 36:30
  Eric: So 7.7.5 carbs out of 10.
• 36:33
  Matt: Now that brings us to what I feel very passionate about has gotta be high.
• 36:38
  Matt: It's gotta be high.
• 36:39
  Eric: I uh I'm gonna agree with, I'm gonna agree with it with you.
• 36:42
  Matt: We are talking about the world famous Cheesecake Factory's brown bread with butter.
• 36:52
  Matt: But honestly, honestly, that bread fucking slaps to steal a phrase from my partner here.
• 36:58
  Matt: I love the brown bread.
• 36:59
  Matt: It is good fucking button.
• 37:00
  Matt: And it is so good that Cheesecake Factory now sells it by itself in supermarkets.
• 37:06
  Matt: Mm-hmm.
• 37:07
  Matt: You can get your own loaves of the bread.
• 37:10
  Matt: Of the brown bread.
• 37:11
  Eric: I would say I yeah.
• 37:13
  Matt: This is uh I I I gotta be honest, I can't see a fault with it.
• 37:19
  Matt: I I agree.
• 37:20
  Matt: I'm gonna cross my arms now.
• 37:22
  Matt: Okay.
• 37:23
  Matt: I can't see a fault with it.
• 37:24
  Matt: All right.
• 37:26
  Matt: So, Eric, you tell me.
• 37:28
  Matt: What do you feel?
• 37:29
  Matt: Because I feel like I know what my score is.
• 37:32
  Eric: Okay.
• 37:33
  Eric: Well, first of all, before I give a score, a question on our rating here.
• 37:38
  Eric: Yeah, why?
• 37:39
  Eric: Um Is there room in this list?
• 37:41
  Eric: Is there room enough in this town for two tens?
• 37:44
  Eric: I think there is room enough on this.
• 37:46
  Eric: Then with that, my friend, I give Cheesecake Factory bread ten carbs out of ten.
• 37:54
  Matt: I am so happy you did.
• 37:56
  Eric: It is a damn fine bread.
• 37:58
  Matt: It would be a shame.
• 37:58
  Matt: And can we agree, Matt?
• 37:59
  Eric: It would be a shame if this podcast had to end one episode shy of 20.
• 38:03
  Eric: To protect our friendship.
• 38:04
  Eric: We can agree, Matt, that once a bread has ascended, once it has risen to a 10, that at that point, we can't.
• 38:21
  Eric: Two breads.
• 38:22
  Matt: Are you suggesting that if there are two tens at the end of this list that we can't revisit to see if one is better than the other?
• 38:28
  Matt: Is that what you're saying?
• 38:29
  Eric: I mean, what I'm saying, Matthew, is I gave you an out.
• 38:34
  Matt: Oh.
• 38:35
  Eric: I gave you an out, son.
• 38:39
  Matt: I'm sorry.
• 38:40
  Matt: Are you trying to say that your feelings about the brown bread are not authentic, right now?
• 38:45
  Eric: No.
• 38:45
  Eric: What I'm saying is I love the brown bread.
• 38:48
  Matt: But Matthew, what I'm saying is if you were to if you were to cut Matt look if I were to put it side by side with another bread on this list, you would not choose it.
• 38:57
  Matt: That's what you're saying.
• 38:58
  Eric: Oh, that's what I'm fucking saying, Matthew.
• 39:00
  Matt: Okay, well, why don't we keep going?
• 39:01
  Matt: What we've given it a 10.
• 39:02
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 39:02
  Matt: How do we revisit it?
• 39:04
  Matt: We'll revisit it.
• 39:05
  Matt: The next one, the next one on the list is the Cracker Barrel Biscuits.
• 39:10
  Eric: It's a biscuit.
• 39:11
  Matt: It is, it sure is.
• 39:13
  Matt: It's a good one.
• 39:14
  Eric: It's a good, it's a good biscuit.
• 39:15
  Matt: Flaky, soft.
• 39:16
  Matt: Flaky, but like you get as many of them as you want.
• 39:18
  Eric: Put that jam on it.
• 39:20
  Matt: Keep them get all those jams, baby.
• 39:22
  Eric: I would I I would put I would put Cracker Barrel, and and I kind of put Cracker Barrel here always.
• 39:29
  Eric: I would say between a 6.5 and a 7 out of 10.
• 39:34
  Eric: Yeah.
• 39:35
  Eric: Like that's just the Cracker Barrel experience.
• 39:36
  Eric: Like, I'm never mad at Cracker Barrel.
• 39:39
  Matt: I never I always go there when somebody else takes me there.
• 39:44
  Matt: Yes.
• 39:44
  Matt: Because somebody else wants to.
• 39:46
  Eric: Yes.
• 39:47
  Eric: Or we've we we've been on the road for like two and a half hours.
• 39:51
  Eric: Oh, it is a classic oasis.
• 39:52
  Eric: Then Cracker Barrel is like a fucking oasis.
• 39:55
  Matt: It is what it is a classic.
• 39:57
  Matt: I want I need to get food at whatever the next fucking billboard says.
• 40:01
  Matt: That it is a classic one of those.
• 40:03
  Eric: Yeah.
• 40:03
  Eric: Yep.
• 40:04
  Matt: And it's then you see that old man on a barrel and go, sure.
• 40:08
  Matt: Thank God.
• 40:09
  Eric: Do you remember when we drove down to South Carolina with fucking Conway?
• 40:13
  Eric: There's a cracker barrel every mile and a half.
• 40:16
  Matt: Truly, they're mile markers.
• 40:17
  Eric: Yeah.
• 40:18
  Matt: It is, it is buck fucking wild.
• 40:21
  Matt: And they got biscuits at all of them to mark each stone days.
• 40:26
  Matt: So let's just go ahead and say a 6.5.
• 40:28
  Matt: Because the biscuits are pretty good, but like you have to then be in a cracker barrel.
• 40:33
  Matt: Yeah.
• 40:33
  Matt: You then have to be playing that little peg game.
• 40:36
  Matt: Oh man.
• 40:37
  Matt: I used to be the fucking champ of that game.
• 40:39
  Matt: Um that brings us next to is is I'm curious about this, Eric.
• 40:47
  Matt: Uh, is this what you wanted to go to bat?
• 40:49
  Matt: Because our next one is no no no.
• 40:52
  Matt: I didn't think so.
• 40:52
  Matt: I didn't think so.
• 40:53
  Matt: So why don't you present our next one?
• 40:54
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 40:55
  Matt: What is the next candidate?
• 40:56
  Eric: I haven't had it in years, but I know I love it.
• 40:58
  Eric: It's uh Longhorse Steakhouse Rolls with Buddha.
• 41:03
  Matt: Yeah, uh, they're good.
• 41:05
  Matt: That's what I have to say about it.
• 41:06
  Matt: They're good.
• 41:06
  Matt: They're good.
• 41:07
  Matt: They're not, for me, they're not the like for me, when uh this is one of the ones that was not submitted, but I I thought we needed to round out the list a little bit.
• 41:16
  Matt: Yep.
• 41:16
  Matt: So I looked up free breads, and uh, what did I get?
• 41:19
  Matt: I got long horse, and I went, oh yeah, they do have got, but I forgot about it until then.
• 41:24
  Eric: Yes, like that it is it is just bread.
• 41:28
  Eric: It is the bread that, like, yeah, I'll be able to do it.
• 41:31
  Eric: The butter is really good.
• 41:32
  Eric: The butter is really good.
• 41:33
  Eric: The butter is always soft.
• 41:34
  Eric: But that's the thing.
• 41:35
  Eric: Their bread is just a vehicle for that tasty, tasty butter.
• 41:38
  Eric: I do sort of feel in this case it's mostly about the butter.
• 41:42
  Eric: It's mostly about the butter, which we'll circle back to this when we get to another butter.
• 41:46
  Matt: When we get to a when we get to a hard hitter, yes.
• 41:48
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.
• 41:49
  Matt: Um But that's what I'm saying.
• 41:51
  Matt: The thing with dancing around is a hard hitter.
• 41:53
  Matt: This is more like, to put it in baseball terms, this is more like a number nine hitter.
• 41:57
  Matt: This is the bottom of the order.
• 41:59
  Eric: Yeah.
• 41:59
  Eric: And like, like it's I'm definitely gonna eat it, but as soon as it's gone, I'm not asking for more.
• 42:05
  Matt: And I and I'll tell you this, I'm not going to the supermarket seeing, oh, oh, hey, look at this.
• 42:11
  Matt: They sell longhorns rolls.
• 42:14
  Matt: I'm not doing that.
• 42:14
  Matt: I'm doing that with cheesecakes, brown bread, baby.
• 42:17
  Eric: No.
• 42:17
  Matt: So what I'm gonna say for this, I'm just gonna put it out here.
• 42:20
  Matt: I don't think we need to exasper exacerbate this anymore.
• 42:25
  Matt: Is this another 7.5?
• 42:27
  Matt: Is this a seven?
• 42:28
  Matt: No, I but I think this is I think this is a six.
• 42:31
  Matt: You think it's a six?
• 42:32
  Matt: I think it's a six.
• 42:33
  Matt: You think it's below.
• 42:34
  Eric: I think it's I'd take it.
• 42:36
  Eric: I'd take a cracker barrel biscuit over over longhorn bread any day.
• 42:39
  Matt: Yeah, I agree with that statement.
• 42:41
  Matt: Let's give it a six.
• 42:42
  Matt: Okay.
• 42:43
  Matt: Uh now, this the you can't have this discussion without our next candidate, our next gladiator in the ring.
• 42:51
  Matt: Yeah.
• 42:51
  Matt: Olive Gardens bread sticks.
• 42:54
  Matt: The OG.
• 42:55
  Matt: They're a meal onto themselves, are they?
• 42:57
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 42:58
  Matt: Literally, you can order just unlimited Super Saiyan breadsticks.
• 43:01
  Eric: And you have to order them.
• 43:03
  Matt: You have to do it.
• 43:04
  Eric: That's where people fuck up.
• 43:06
  Eric: Is you have to order.
• 43:07
  Matt: You didn't used to.
• 43:08
  Eric: You didn't use it.
• 43:09
  Eric: You didn't used to.
• 43:09
  Eric: It used to be, and which is why it's still on the list.
• 43:12
  Eric: Back in the day.
• 43:13
  Eric: But now you do have to.
• 43:14
  Eric: Now you have to come correct if you want the unlimited breadsticks.
• 43:17
  Matt: I have a special connection with the Olive Garden breadsticks.
• 43:21
  Matt: So why?
• 43:23
  Matt: Mine being that yes, I do technically have a family member who works for uh Olive Garden.
• 43:29
  Matt: That's true.
• 43:29
  Matt: But what I'm actually referring to is my grandmother, Baba.
• 43:33
  Matt: Uh she loved an Olive Garden meal.
• 43:38
  Matt: Yes, she did.
• 43:39
  Matt: And when you're here, you're family.
• 43:41
  Matt: When we're here, but we were never there, is the thing.
• 43:43
  Matt: We would always get takeout from Oh, hell yeah.
• 43:46
  Matt: So it wouldn't be unlimited breadsticks.
• 43:48
  Matt: It'd be like six packs of breadsticks.
• 43:50
  Eric: Okay.
• 43:50
  Eric: Oh my God.
• 43:51
  Eric: How is so how I have questions?
• 43:54
  Matt: It's probably not six packs of breadsticks, but it was enough breadsticks that you were like, they didn't need to give us this many.
• 44:00
  Matt: That that's kind of my question.
• 44:01
  Matt: Like, who would place the order?
• 44:04
  Matt: Uh, my d my dad normally didn't.
• 44:06
  Eric: I'm trying, I'm picturing your father calling Olive Garden.
• 44:11
  Eric: Like, yes, we would uh yeah, breadsticks.
• 44:14
  Eric: And they're and just like the silence the other side, they're like, how many do you want?
• 44:18
  Eric: Uh better give us 12.
• 44:21
  Eric: Yeah.
• 44:22
  Eric: It's kind of like my dad napkins.
• 44:25
  Eric: Like, if they're like, oh, how many napkins do you want?
• 44:26
  Eric: Like, oh, just give me like a fucking Bible phone book.
• 44:30
  Eric: Give me a thickness of napkins.
• 44:32
  Eric: Right.
• 44:32
  Matt: Keep them coming.
• 44:33
  Matt: Just put your hand in the container of napkins and give me what comes out.
• 44:37
  Eric: Take out so many, you're gonna have to refill that container.
• 44:41
  Matt: Um, let's get down to them.
• 44:44
  Matt: They're oily.
• 44:44
  Matt: They're oily, but like good wet.
• 44:47
  Matt: I am never mad about the wetness of that bread.
• 44:50
  Matt: And they're salty.
• 44:51
  Matt: You will touch them and come away with wet, salty fingers.
• 44:54
  Matt: And like they're wet, but they're not soggy.
• 44:58
  Matt: They got that good crisp crust to them.
• 45:00
  Matt: They're garlicky.
• 45:02
  Matt: They're garlicky.
• 45:03
  Matt: They're fucking perfect.
• 45:05
  Matt: They're so good.
• 45:06
  Eric: I'm I think we're looking at it like an eight or a nine here.
• 45:09
  Matt: I think I I don't think I'm willing to talk about this score without a nine in front of me.
• 45:17
  Eric: Yeah, I'm I'm willing to I'm I think a 9.5.
• 45:20
  Eric: Like they're just the step, like, if there was What keeps them?
• 45:23
  Eric: Let me ask you this.
• 45:24
  Matt: Yeah what keeps them from being perfect?
• 45:27
  Eric: What keeps them from a 10?
• 45:28
  Eric: The fact that I don't get them by default anymore.
• 45:34
  Eric: That's that's that's the cost, that's the price of glory.
• 45:38
  Matt: That's the price of you trying to keep your inventory under control, Olive Garden.
• 45:42
  Matt: Yep.
• 45:43
  Matt: A 9.5 in.
• 45:44
  Matt: 9.5.
• 45:46
  Matt: Now, Eric.
• 45:48
  Matt: Ah! The next candidate on our list.
• 45:51
  Matt: Yep.
• 45:52
  Eric: Hit me with it.
• 45:54
  Eric: Outback steakhouses, no rules, just right, pumpernickel loaf.
• 46:00
  Matt: First of all, I do like that they describe it as a loaf because it definitely is.
• 46:04
  Matt: It is the of the breads, it is the most definitively a loaf.
• 46:09
  Matt: The the brown breads from Cheesecake Factory do technically come in like a loaf form, but really it's just like a it's like a half inch thicker than the the bread sticks from Olive Garden.
• 46:20
  Eric: Yeah, it is a mini loaf.
• 46:21
  Matt: But like the outback.
• 46:23
  Matt: But the but this but the outback is a loaf, babe.
• 46:27
  Eric: It's a loaf.
• 46:27
  Eric: It is like just it has the most it is like if you took a loaf of sandwich bread that you got from the store and you just shrunk it, it just keeps that shape like perfectly.
• 46:36
  Eric: Um here's my thing.
• 46:39
  Eric: Tell it to me.
• 46:40
  Eric: I love outbacks with pumpernickel bread.
• 46:43
  Eric: But I guess what's fucking with me.
• 46:47
  Eric: Tell me Outback Steakhouse.
• 46:50
  Eric: Australia.
• 46:51
  Eric: The Outback.
• 46:53
  Eric: Bodies.
• 46:55
  Eric: Um Pumpernickels.
• 46:59
  Eric: Is pumpernickel an Australian thing?
• 47:02
  Eric: I am not sure about that.
• 47:05
  Eric: Does does Australia have a national bre?
• 47:08
  Eric: I feel like every country in the world has like a bread.
• 47:11
  Eric: You know what I mean?
• 47:12
  Matt: And the other thing I want to talk about is I do feel a lot of the the reason you remember the bread, perhaps.
• 47:18
  Matt: Yeah.
• 47:18
  Matt: Is its presentation.
• 47:19
  Matt: Oh, it comes.
• 47:20
  Matt: That is winning it points.
• 47:22
  Matt: It comes, at least I as in my experience and my memory, it comes on a cutting board.
• 47:28
  Matt: A little cutting board.
• 47:29
  Matt: With a fucking knife in it.
• 47:32
  Matt: With a knife in it and a little crock of butter.
• 47:35
  Matt: A little crock of butter.
• 47:36
  Matt: Because they are trying to tell you that the uh the bread is the main attraction here.
• 47:42
  Eric: The bread is the main attraction.
• 47:44
  Eric: Well, the butter's just butter.
• 47:46
  Eric: And then there's just butter, but like it's good bread and like it give it.
• 47:50
  Eric: I will say this.
• 47:52
  Eric: It's a unique flavor.
• 47:53
  Eric: It's a unique flavor.
• 47:54
  Eric: Outback, also, like, in terms of pre it in terms of presentation, it is the top of this list.
• 48:03
  Eric: Like, it beats out all the breads in terms of just pure presentation.
• 48:07
  Eric: I think it might.
• 48:07
  Eric: I think it might be a own fucking cutting board.
• 48:10
  Eric: And you get the they bring it to you like it's an entree.
• 48:15
  Eric: Or an appetizer.
• 48:16
  Eric: And you get like the outback experience of cutting into the breed.
• 48:20
  Eric: Cutting bread?
• 48:21
  Eric: Cutting into the bread with that serrated knife.
• 48:23
  Eric: It's always serrated.
• 48:24
  Eric: You gotta Eric, it's a bread knife.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_04: You gotta, you gotta.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_04: Cut in it.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_04: Sloss into it.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_04: Well, just hunted wallabies.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_04: I can fought a dingo for this brand.
• 48:41
  Matt: Well, we have already insulted the UK listeners.
• 48:44
  Matt: We might as well go down.
• 48:46
  Matt: We gotta alienate.
• 48:47
  Eric: We gotta alienate the penal colony as well.
• 48:49
  Matt: Let's just make sure we let's just make sure we we and we already told the UK listener that their candidate needed to basically be disqualified for not being American.
• 48:59
  Matt: So why don't we just keep on going down the list?
• 49:02
  Matt: And honor a fake Australian wrestler.
• 49:06
  Eric: But that's Matthew.
• 49:08
  Eric: Let me hit you with this.
• 49:09
  Eric: Is it Outback Steakhouse is an Australian themed restaurant?
• 49:15
  Eric: Is there nothing more American than taking another culture and puppernickel bread on it and saying that is Australia?
• 49:25
  Matt: Oh man.
• 49:28
  Eric: That is the most American shit I can think of.
• 49:31
  Eric: I don't think I will kiss your ass if there's an Outback Steakhouse in Australia.
• 49:37
  Matt: Hold on.
• 49:37
  Matt: Hold on.
• 49:38
  Matt: Let me call it.
• 49:38
  Matt: Google it?
• 49:39
  Matt: No, no, no, no, no.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_04: Fucking can you please?
• 49:41
  Matt: I'm not calling Australia.
• 49:42
  Matt: I'm not calling Australia.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_04: Why?
• 49:44
  Matt: I don't charge Brown minute.
• 49:46
  Matt: I'm not calling the Prime Minister of Australia.
• 49:50
  Matt: All right.
• 49:51
  Matt: The bread itself, though.
• 49:53
  Matt: Let's circle back to the bread.
• 49:54
  Eric: Yeah, the bread itself.
• 49:55
  Eric: I like it.
• 49:55
  Eric: It's uh it's good bread.
• 49:56
  Eric: It is blow me away.
• 49:58
  Matt: It's good, enjoyable bread.
• 49:59
  Matt: I am excited when it comes.
• 50:01
  Matt: I am like, Yeah, I'll be asking for more.
• 50:04
  Matt: Outback is another one of those places where I am usually, I don't want to use the phrase, you know, yes, I do.
• 50:10
  Matt: I just was just trying to be polite.
• 50:11
  Matt: It's another one of those places I'm dragged to.
• 50:13
  Matt: You know, somebody else wants to be there.
• 50:16
  Matt: I end up there, and then that bread comes and I go, Ah, hello, old friend.
• 50:22
  Matt: And for those reasons, I'm willing to give it a 7.5.
• 50:25
  Eric: Yeah, I'll I'll give it a 7.5 uh with honorary uh uh seven.
• 50:30
  Eric: I I'm I'm looking at it.
• 50:32
  Eric: Let me hit you with this.
• 50:33
  Eric: Seven plus a.5 for presentation.
• 50:37
  Matt: 7.5.
• 50:38
  Matt: I'm there.
• 50:39
  Matt: You got you took me there.
• 50:40
  Matt: Yeah.
• 50:40
  Matt: You took me there.
• 50:41
  Eric: 7.5 asterisks honorable mention presentation.
• 50:44
  Matt: Now, our next one is a heavy hitter.
• 50:46
  Matt: The last two, though we have two more on the list.
• 50:48
  Eric: Now, Matthew.
• 50:49
  Matt: Is this your is this your your baby?
• 50:52
  Matt: Is or is it the next one?
• 50:54
  Eric: Matthew?
• 50:56
  Eric: Are we about to we about to go on down to Cheddar Bay?
• 51:00
  Matt: We're about to go on.
• 51:02
  Eric: It's about to go down in Cheddar Bay.
• 51:04
  Eric: Son, this is let me let me hit you with this, Matthew.
• 51:06
  Eric: Uh I yes, Cheesecake Factory brown bread kicks so much ass.
• 51:12
  Matt: But if you haven't even presented the option yet, and you want to take my pick down a pick.
• 51:17
  Eric: Hold on.
• 51:18
  Eric: But if you ask me, if you look me in the fucking eye and you're like, what is the best bread on this list while Red Lobster Cheddarbay biscuits are on that list?
• 51:34
  Eric: I'm gonna, I'm I'm just gonna kind of laugh and walk to the nearest Red Lobster and just get a bunch of fucking Cheddarbay biscuits is the best bread on this list.
• 51:43
  Matt: Here's what I want to say to you.
• 51:45
  Matt: Here's what I want to say to you.
• 51:46
  Matt: Yep, yep.
• 51:47
  Matt: And I'm I think this is elevated.
• 51:50
  Matt: I want to say, you've already incriminated yourself on this episode as being a false scrivener.
• 51:54
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 51:55
  Matt: And now you gotta send me to fucking Australia.
• 51:59
  Matt: A Baltimore area local.
• 52:02
  Matt: Yup.
• 52:03
  Matt: Oh you hold on, hold on.
• 52:06
  Matt: Excuse me, excuse me.
• 52:08
  Matt: You, a Baltimore area local, a Glen Burney born and raised boy.
• 52:15
  Matt: You mean to tell me that you're getting your seafood from a red lobster on the regular?
• 52:24
  Eric: Matthew.
• 52:25
  Eric: Eric.
• 52:26
  Eric: My answer is twofold.
• 52:29
  Matt: I would if I were you, I just want to say I would be careful with how your reputation here in here in the Chesapeake Bay area is on the line.
• 52:39
  Eric: Matt, I I want to both answer your question and attest to how fucking good these Cheddar Bay biscuits are.
• 52:47
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 52:47
  Eric: I've been to Red Lobster many times.
• 52:49
  Matt: Same.
• 52:49
  Matt: Very much.
• 52:50
  Eric: I have never once fucking gone for seafood.
• 52:54
  Eric: I have literally gone to a Red Lobster just to buy some of these fucking Cheddarbay biscuits and then walk my happy ass out.
• 53:01
  Matt: Now wait a minute.
• 53:02
  Matt: You mean you really have shown up at a uh a red lobster?
• 53:05
  Matt: This isn't a bit.
• 53:06
  Matt: You have shown up at Red Lobster.
• 53:08
  Matt: I have individually bought a package.
• 53:11
  Matt: Oh, I guess.
• 53:12
  Matt: Yes.
• 53:13
  Matt: And then left.
• 53:13
  Matt: But I didn't.
• 53:14
  Matt: Because I I I only really, and again, this is another one of those restaurants that uh people, uh people in my family like, and we end up at.
• 53:23
  Matt: And uh I and the biscuits are the main attraction.
• 53:26
  Eric: They they are the only reason anyone should ever go to that otherwise fucking god awful restaurant.
• 53:32
  Eric: Their Cheddarbay biscuits justify that entire chain's existence to me.
• 53:37
  Eric: Uh they're so fucking good.
• 53:39
  Eric: I I would I have like gone and driven to Red Lobster, but I haven't like in like the past like 10 years because I can just buy Cheddarbay biscuit mix at the supermarket now.
• 53:50
  Eric: It is a it is a just like cheesecake bagger, I can just go down the aisle, I can get different fucking flavors of Cheddarbay biscuits, and they're god damn it, Matt.
• 54:00
  Eric: They don't need butter, they don't need seasonings or toppings or anything.
• 54:05
  Eric: All they need is themselves.
• 54:07
  Eric: I can't disagree.
• 54:09
  Eric: I can't disagree with you.
• 54:11
  Matt: I can't disagree with you, and I came into this knowing it was getting a 10.
• 54:15
  Matt: Like it's not even up for debate.
• 54:16
  Eric: 100% a 10.
• 54:18
  Eric: I will I will fight any man to the death who argues otherwise.
• 54:21
  Matt: So let's give it a 10.
• 54:21
  Matt: Let's give it a 10.
• 54:22
  Eric: Let's give it a 10.
• 54:23
  Eric: Thank you.
• 54:23
  Matt: And let's finish out our list.
• 54:25
  Matt: Before we look at the rundown, we have to talk about the Texas Roadhouse rolls with honey butter.
• 54:31
  Eric: So, same kind of deal as Longhorn Steakhouse, but a from the other side.
• 54:37
  Eric: Yes, their bread is a vehicle for that delicious honey butter, but the bread is such, it's such good bread that it comp the bread was made to complement that honey butter, though.
• 54:49
  Matt: But if and that's that's what I'm talking about.
• 54:51
  Matt: It is that is the way around that it is.
• 54:54
  Matt: The main attraction here is the honey butter.
• 54:56
  Matt: Yeah.
• 54:57
  Matt: And it is, it is a vehicle.
• 55:00
  Matt: The bread is a vehicle, and yes, it is a decent bread, it's a good bread, but you would not get that bread without the honey butter.
• 55:06
  Eric: Never.
• 55:07
  Eric: Never in a million years.
• 55:08
  Eric: It's just weird, slightly sweet bread at that point.
• 55:11
  Matt: If if somebody, if you sat your happy ass down at a Texas Roadhouse and they came up with the rolls and said, Oh, here are your rolls.
• 55:18
  Matt: Sorry, we're out of honey butter.
• 55:20
  Matt: I you would be within your legal rights to first stand up, take your napkin out of your shirt collar, throw it on the ground, take a muff, take a muffin.
• 55:33
  Matt: I was gonna say, take one of those biscuits, take one of those rolls, shove it into your waiter's mouth, and walk out the door.
• 55:40
  Matt: Yes, you would be yes, yes.
• 55:43
  Eric: You mean clap like everyone in the restaurant?
• 55:46
  Matt: People would rise and clap and as they follow you.
• 55:50
  Matt: They follow you to arrest you.
• 55:52
  Matt: Uh citizens arrest.
• 55:54
  Matt: I think the honey, but I think it that would never happen.
• 55:57
  Matt: They they know what they've got.
• 55:58
  Matt: Oh, fuck no.
• 55:59
  Eric: They would shut the restaurant down before they do that.
• 56:02
  Matt: But because I think the topping is the main attraction here, yeah.
• 56:06
  Matt: It can't be a 10.
• 56:08
  Eric: It can't be a 10.
• 56:09
  Eric: I think, I think, I think it's I think it's a nine.
• 56:12
  Eric: I think it's a nine.
• 56:12
  Matt: I think it's a solid nine.
• 56:14
  Eric: It's a solid nine.
• 56:16
  Eric: It is the most nine.
• 56:17
  Matt: The dish as a whole is a ten.
• 56:20
  Matt: Oh, yeah, the experience.
• 56:22
  Matt: But the bread, because the bread is not the main attraction, I think it has to be a nine.
• 56:26
  Eric: Yeah.
• 56:27
  Eric: And the bread knows, and I think the bread knows it's a nine.
• 56:29
  Eric: I think it's proud to be a nine because it's like, yeah, my bread knows like I'm here.
• 56:34
  Eric: I am only here because of this butter.
• 56:37
  Eric: So though that is our list.
• 56:39
  Matt: That's our list.
• 56:41
  Matt: So in in reverse order from zero.
• 56:43
  Matt: With a zero, we have Hooters.
• 56:46
  Matt: Thank you again to they didn't give me their name, but whoever called me, uh, or I called and provided the answer.
• 56:52
  Matt: Harvester UK only gets a three.
• 56:56
  Matt: Oak Charlie's five.
• 56:57
  Matt: Longhorn, six.
• 56:59
  Matt: Cracker Barrel Biscuits, six point five.
• 57:03
  Matt: I'm sorry, how do you say it again?
• 57:05
  Matt: Caral.
• 57:07
  Matt: 7.5.
• 57:09
  Matt: How do you say this one again, Eric?
• 57:10
  Matt: Can you tell me?
• 57:13
  SPEAKER_04: Sappa nickel bread loaf.
• 57:17
  Matt: 7.5.
• 57:19
  Matt: Uh and then we get into the hard hitters.
• 57:21
  Matt: Texas Roadhouse with a 9.
• 57:23
  Matt: Yep.
• 57:23
  Matt: Olive Garden breadsticks with a 9.5 in dual tens for Cheesecake Factory bread, the brown bread, uh, and the red lobster cheddar bay.
• 57:34
  Eric: Matt, do you know what I'm gonna do?
• 57:35
  Eric: When we finally when we finally record together for the first time, I'm gonna go to the store.
• 57:41
  Eric: I'm gonna get some Cheesecake Factory brown bread and some Cheddar Bay biscuits, and we'll have us a feast.
• 57:46
  Matt: And you know what?
• 57:47
  Matt: That that'll be the circle back follow-up for that episode.
• 57:50
  Eric: Circle back follow-up.
• 57:51
  Eric: Can we please get a picture of us feeding each other, like doing the like the two lovers with glasses, but with the introspective breads?
• 57:59
  Matt: I I think we must.
• 58:00
  Eric: Yes.
• 58:01
  Matt: So there you have it, folks.
• 58:03
  Matt: There's our definitive ranking uh in in reverse order, obviously, with the tie at number one being Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits, Cheesecake Factory Bread, followed by Olive Garden Breadsticks, Texas Roadhouse with Honey Butter, and the uh Outback Steakhouse being your uh top five.
• 58:22
  Matt: Yeah.
• 58:23
  Matt: So uh thank you all for submitting your your um suggestions.
• 58:28
  Matt: Thank you for answering those Instagram prompts.
• 58:30
  Eric: Fans of the show can send baskets of this bread to uh P.O.
• 58:35
  Eric: Box.
• 58:37
  Matt: I don't think you should make up a P.O.
• 58:39
  Matt: Box.
• 58:39
  Matt: No.
• 58:39
  Matt: What if they send them?
• 58:41
  Matt: They won't be terrible.
• 58:42
  Matt: But maybe they will.
• 58:42
  Eric: They will, yeah.
• 58:43
  Eric: Maybe they could.
• 58:44
  Matt: Um the so I kind of liked calling Hooters.
• 58:49
  Matt: That was fun, wasn't it?
• 58:50
  Eric: That was fun.
• 58:50
  Eric: I'm sad I didn't get to call Australia.
• 58:53
  Matt: I mean, I guess you can't.
• 58:54
  Matt: I don't know who you're calling, though, is the only thing.
• 58:56
  Eric: Outback Steakhouse.
• 58:58
  Matt: Outback.
• 58:59
  Matt: All right, so should we um should we transition now into uh some local legends?
• 59:06
  Matt: Oh my god, we shall now I want to say this is a very special edition, I think, of Local Legends.
• 59:17
  Matt: Because this is the first local legends that were actually provided to us by a listener.
• 59:26
  Matt: Both of them.
• 59:28
  Matt: And both of them were provided by the same listener.
• 59:30
  Matt: There is no fries on Instagram.
• 59:33
  Matt: There is no fries.
• 59:34
  Eric: There is no fries.
• 59:36
  Matt: Uh so Eric, would you like to go first or would you like me to go first?
• 59:39
  Eric: Uh I'll go first.
• 59:43
  Eric: Alright, so today, friends, I bring you the legend of the hoodag.
• 59:49
  Eric: Ho day! Ho day! Yeah, I I I've been trying to like figure out like what is the proper uh dialect to throw on the word hodeg.
• 59:57
  Eric: It's it doesn't sound like go on.
• 1:00:00
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 1:00:01
  Matt: You tell me.
• 1:00:02
  Matt: It's your legend, my friend.
• 1:00:03
  Eric: Um, I think it it's a Wisconsin folklore thing.
• 1:00:07
  Eric: It it's uh the old hoodag there.
• 1:00:10
  Eric: Oh yeah, you got the hoodeg.
• 1:00:12
  Eric: Oh, that's the old hoodeg.
• 1:00:13
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, hoig there.
• 1:00:15
  Eric: Um so the hodag.
• 1:00:18
  Eric: Sorry, the what the hoodag.
• 1:00:21
  Eric: Sorry, the what?
• 1:00:23
  Eric: Oh, the hodeg.
• 1:00:25
  Eric: Thank you.
• 1:00:25
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:00:26
  Eric: Uh is an American creature of folklore.
• 1:00:30
  Eric: Uh it's it's described as resembling a large bullhorned carnivore with a row of thick curved spines going down its back.
• 1:00:40
  Eric: Uh it's it's said to be born from the ashes of cremated oxen, uh, as well as the incarnation of the accumulation of abuse the animals have suffered at the hands of their masters.
• 1:00:55
  Eric: Good lord.
• 1:00:56
  Eric: I know.
• 1:00:58
  Eric: Uh I think it also, just to kind of circle back, uh, it's also featured heavily in like Paul Bunyan lore.
• 1:01:05
  Matt: Mmm, interesting.
• 1:01:06
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:01:06
  Eric: Uh, but the hodeg kind of got its start.
• 1:01:10
  Eric: There was uh a lumberman named Eugene Shepherd.
• 1:01:14
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 1:01:14
  Eric: And this was in 1893, same year as the Chicago World's Fair.
• 1:01:19
  Eric: Also the same year as, you know, uh H.H.
• 1:01:22
  Eric: Holmes murdering the fuck out of a bunch of people.
• 1:01:25
  Eric: Glad we went to the same place.
• 1:01:26
  Eric: Yep.
• 1:01:27
  Eric: Uh he wrote an illustrated column for his town's newspaper describing how he had captured a hodag.
• 1:01:36
  Eric: And then uh the lumber company he worked for started running advertisements twice a month using like the dude's illustration of the hodag.
• 1:01:49
  Eric: No, uh huh.
• 1:01:50
  Eric: HH Holmes did this?
• 1:01:52
  Eric: No, the guy, uh the Eugene Shepard.
• 1:01:55
  Eric: Eugene Shepard, okay.
• 1:01:56
  Eric: Eugene Shepard murdered 200 people.
• 1:01:59
  Eric: No, um no, no, Eugene.
• 1:02:02
  Eric: But basically, Eugene wrote this story about Hodag.
• 1:02:05
  Eric: A newspaper ran with it, and like twice a month would put out like pictures of it, like illustrations of it, and give like new information about the beast in each like display ad.
• 1:02:16
  Eric: Um in August of 1896, three years later, they were doing this twice a month for three years.
• 1:02:26
  Eric: Right.
• 1:02:28
  Eric: Um, to spark interest at like a local fair, Shepard agreed to exhibit a live hoodag.
• 1:02:37
  Eric: And he and his friend Luke, I can't help but think, Matt, in my heart of hearts, that if I came to you and said, Matthew, yes, I desperately need your help.
• 1:02:46
  Eric: I have been lying to the American people for three years.
• 1:02:50
  Eric: I am a false scribner.
• 1:02:52
  Eric: Please, please help me build a shitty, shitty version of this creature.
• 1:02:56
  Eric: I like to hope that you would do it.
• 1:02:57
  Eric: Of course I would.
• 1:02:59
  Eric: I don't even need to happen.
• 1:03:00
  Eric: Uh he and his butt Eugene and his buddy Luke uh crafted a hodag that was sculpted from wood, cowhide, cattle horns, and like displayed it in like a darkened stall, and like basically people were only allowed to see it for a couple, like like 30 seconds.
• 1:03:17
  Eric: And like, oh, there it is.
• 1:03:18
  Eric: Say goodbye.
• 1:03:19
  Eric: Wow.
• 1:03:20
  Eric: Yeah, it was uh and here's the fucking wild thing.
• 1:03:25
  Eric: Um, they told us, like, oh yeah, you can only go in to see it for like a second or two for your own safety.
• 1:03:30
  Eric: It worked, it was super fucking successful.
• 1:03:36
  Matt: They made so much eyes on it for but a second.
• 1:03:39
  Eric: Yeah, don't look at it.
• 1:03:41
  Eric: And like they oh, they had like people like fucking foley dudes making sounds and shit.
• 1:03:47
  Eric: It was covered, it was covered like all over the United States.
• 1:03:51
  Eric: It was like a big fucking thing.
• 1:03:54
  Eric: But at some point, all we know is at some point he kind of came forward, it's like, all right, it's fake.
• 1:03:58
  Eric: And people were like, All right, they just kept paying to come see it.
• 1:04:01
  Eric: By then it had become like a like a like a household name.
• 1:04:04
  Matt: Even though it we knew it was a hoax.
• 1:04:06
  Eric: Even though we knew it was a hoax.
• 1:04:08
  Matt: Now, Eric, isn't this covered in a certain publication of some renown in this podcast?
• 1:04:15
  Eric: It is, and I always forget the full title of it one moment.
• 1:04:19
  Eric: Oh, I know what it is.
• 1:04:20
  Matt: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:04:21
  Matt: You don't need to look it up.
• 1:04:22
  Matt: It's Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods with a few desert and mountain beasts by William T.
• 1:04:27
  Matt: Cox.
• 1:04:28
  Matt: It was on the tip of my tongue.
• 1:04:30
  Matt: It was I saw it quibbly.
• 1:04:32
  Eric: It was like, oh yes, that got and a copy of which you gifted to me.
• 1:04:37
  Eric: I did.
• 1:04:38
  Eric: It is such a good fucking book.
• 1:04:40
  Matt: Now, uh, this was written, I think, before it was officially made uh to out to be a hoax.
• 1:04:45
  Eric: Oh, of course.
• 1:04:45
  Eric: Oh yeah, no, no, no.
• 1:04:46
  Eric: That entire book is written from the perspective like these are real things.
• 1:04:49
  Eric: Of course they are.
• 1:04:50
  Eric: Yeah, why wouldn't they be?
• 1:04:52
  Matt: Um, well uh uh well uh they but it has since been d I don't know what happened to me just now.
• 1:05:01
  Matt: All right.
• 1:05:02
  Matt: But it has been proven to be false.
• 1:05:04
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:05:05
  Eric: Well, you know, for now.
• 1:05:07
  Matt: Oh, you think so the door's open, you think?
• 1:05:10
  Eric: The door is always open, my friend.
• 1:05:13
  Matt: Well, uh thank you, uh There Is No Fries for and Eric for your research on the hodag.
• 1:05:21
  Matt: Now, uh sh uh uh There Is No Fries also provided us with a second uh local legend to cover.
• 1:05:27
  Matt: And this, I think I think this could be a watershed moment for a lot of our listeners who haven't submitted yet a uh local legend.
• 1:05:40
  Matt: Out of fear that they don't know uh a a hodag, they don't know a squonk, but perhaps you know a milverine.
• 1:05:50
  Matt: Today, Eric, I'm gonna present to you a story of a man, but a man, but also a myth.
• 1:06:00
  unknown: And a legend.
• 1:06:02
  Matt: I am going to tell you the story of the Milverine.
• 1:06:04
  Matt: And I have a few different sources for this.
• 1:06:07
  Matt: A lot of different uh uh actually Wisconsin, uh Milwaukee-based.
• 1:06:13
  Eric: Uh is that where the Mill and Milverene is coming from?
• 1:06:16
  Matt: You better believe it, baby.
• 1:06:17
  Matt: A lot of Milwaukee-based.
• 1:06:19
  Eric: Wherever this is going, it has to be glorious.
• 1:06:21
  Matt: A lot of Milwaukee-based publications, the Milwaukee Journal, Sentinel, but particularly Vice, who made a documentary about the um Milverine, which you can see on YouTube, which was the primary source for this.
• 1:06:35
  Matt: The Milverine, Eric, started gaining attention back around 2011.
• 1:06:40
  Matt: And the man's who known by the as the Milverine's real name is John Hammond.
• 1:06:46
  Eric: Okay, so this right off the one, this is Reese.
• 1:06:51
  Matt: It was back in 2001.
• 1:06:52
  Matt: Back in 2001 and continues to this day.
• 1:06:56
  Matt: John Hammond.
• 1:06:57
  Matt: John John Hammond, Human.
• 1:06:59
  Matt: Okay, Hammond.
• 1:07:00
  Eric: I was like, damn, opened a dinosaur park and became a fucking legend.
• 1:07:05
  Matt: John Hammond is an is an opera lover and cage fighting hopeful.
• 1:07:12
  Matt: I love him already.
• 1:07:14
  Matt: How could you not?
• 1:07:15
  Matt: Who started speed walking, usually shirtless, the same two to three hour route in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
• 1:07:26
  unknown: Okay.
• 1:07:26
  Matt: One day a man named Tim Panacucci saw him walk by his work so often that he started a Facebook fan page that he dubbed Milverine because of Hammond's resemblance to the Marvel character Wolverine.
• 1:07:43
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:07:45
  Matt: Now, between the Facebook page and a Twitter account that was made for him, Milwaukee residents began, and this I have to say gets a little sketch ultimately.
• 1:07:54
  Matt: Milwaukee residents began posting photings photos of sightings of the muscular speedwalker.
• 1:08:03
  Matt: A local craft brewery, Mobcraft, put his image on their Mowaukee white chocolate milk stout, which you can buy.
• 1:08:12
  Matt: His image is that of him holding a barrel and riding a cow.
• 1:08:16
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:08:17
  Matt: The National Bobblehead Museum in Will, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, made a bobblehead for him as part of their local legends collection.
• 1:08:26
  Matt: Fuck me.
• 1:08:27
  Matt: Hammond said that although he has intervened several times when he had seen people being attacked, he doesn't compare himself with the fictional superhero Wolverine.
• 1:08:39
  Eric: I just want to be clear.
• 1:08:40
  Eric: He's like, Yeah, look, I've saved passerby from danger and harm.
• 1:08:45
  Eric: But I'm not trying to say I'm a hero.
• 1:08:46
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:08:47
  Eric: In fact.
• 1:08:48
  Eric: But I have saved lives.
• 1:08:49
  Matt: In fact, Hammond isn't a fan of Hugh Jackman, saying, quote, Isn't.
• 1:08:55
  Matt: This is a this is a quote.
• 1:08:56
  Matt: He's a phony movie actor, but I'm the real deal, you know?
• 1:09:01
  Matt: Seriously, these movie actors, most of them, besides maybe Chuck Norris and Steven Segal, all these guys are basically phony guys.
• 1:09:11
  Matt: They couldn't really fight in real life.
• 1:09:14
  unknown: Matt.
• 1:09:15
  Matt: I want to follow that up by saying my next note is he says he loves opera because of the strong voices.
• 1:09:20
  Eric: Matt, there are so often, you know, you know that they say never meet your heroes.
• 1:09:25
  Eric: Yep.
• 1:09:26
  Eric: There are so many, like when they came, we're like, hey, what are your strong hell strongly held convictions, man who looks like Wolverine who walks around shirtless in the Midwest?
• 1:09:34
  Eric: There are so many things that could have come out of his mouth.
• 1:09:37
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:09:38
  Eric: I am so happy it was that.
• 1:09:40
  Eric: I am so happy it was him just fucking laying a diss track on Hugh Jackman.
• 1:09:46
  Matt: But then, Eric, without warning, The Milverine disappeared.
• 1:09:52
  Matt: Oh no.
• 1:09:54
  Matt: His absence was so startling that the band Two and a Half Stars made a song about his disappearance called The Milverine.
• 1:10:05
  Matt: Articles and Reddit threads were started about his disappearance.
• 1:10:10
  Matt: It was truly an American mystery.
• 1:10:14
  Matt: But then in reality, the Milverine needed knee surgery and he couldn't walk for some time.
• 1:10:19
  Matt: So he didn't really disappear.
• 1:10:21
  Matt: He was just hurt.
• 1:10:21
  Matt: He's back now, and Vice filmed a 10-minute documentary last year as part of their local legend series that you can see on YouTube.
• 1:10:31
  Matt: I watched it in preparation for this.
• 1:10:33
  Matt: He does not let you down.
• 1:10:34
  Matt: Although I will say he is not quite as ripped in the documentary because it's not long after he began walking again.
• 1:10:39
  Eric: So post post-Nia.
• 1:10:41
  Matt: Yeah, he's getting back in shape.
• 1:10:43
  Matt: But if you search him on Instagram, you will see, sure enough, he is back in form today.
• 1:10:48
  Matt: Fans are still snapping photos of sightings of him, which is a little strange.
• 1:10:53
  Matt: But if you go to Instagram and you search for Milverine, you will see people post pictures from like last week of the one and only Milverine.
• 1:11:03
  Matt: God bless you.
• 1:11:04
  Matt: God bless you, Milverine.
• 1:11:07
  Matt: There is no fries.
• 1:11:08
  Matt: So if you know a Milverine, a a dude, just a person who's legendary in their own right in your hometown, fucking give us that.
• 1:11:17
  Eric: And Milverine Matt, I think, is the bar we need to set.
• 1:11:21
  Eric: Like that, like that is the shit we want when we say local legends.
• 1:11:26
  Eric: I uh a hundred percent agree here.
• 1:11:28
  Matt: You're not all gonna be Milverines.
• 1:11:30
  Matt: You're not not everyone can be a Milverine, of course.
• 1:11:34
  Matt: But not all Milverines wear shirts.
• 1:11:37
  Matt: But not all Milverines wear shirts.
• 1:11:40
  Matt: Uh most don't.
• 1:11:41
  Matt: But you know, uh if you've got a hero of that magnitude, we want to know about it, and you can send it to you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:11:50
  Matt: You can also uh submit them on Twitter or Instagram at you didn't askpod.
• 1:11:56
  Matt: And of course, we're gonna put images of these legends, by the way, the hodag and the and the milverine, of course.
• 1:12:03
  Matt: That'll accompany this episode for sure.
• 1:12:05
  Matt: But we we need your questions.
• 1:12:07
  Matt: They need to be least pressing.
• 1:12:09
  Matt: You know, give us give us what's on your mind that you've been afraid to put out there in public.
• 1:12:16
  Matt: I thought maybe you were gonna jump in with something there.
• 1:12:19
  Matt: No.
• 1:12:20
  Eric: Matt, you you fucking you pa you you do it so beautifully.
• 1:12:26
  Matt: Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up.
• 1:12:28
  Eric: You nail it every time.
• 1:12:29
  Matt: Ah, stop, you can make me cry.
• 1:12:32
  Eric: The sandwich tastes so much better when you make it.
• 1:12:36
  Matt: You're my child?
• 1:12:38
  Matt: Is that what that means?
• 1:12:39
  Matt: Okay, so we're getting off the rails now.
• 1:12:44
  Matt: For all of us here at You Didn't Ask for This, my name is Matt Shea.
• 1:12:50
  Matt: My name is Eric Poach.
• 1:12:51
  Matt: You didn't ask.
• 1:12:53
  SPEAKER_02: But I am a scrivener son I am a scrivenna man I be and when I've scrivened and scrivened and scrivened a dead man I shall be.
• 1:13:12
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, you know the words.
• 1:13:14
  SPEAKER_02: And for an I scriven to scriven.
• 1:13:17
  Matt: You know, I might have to look him up.
• 1:13:19
  SPEAKER_02: And scrivened me some more.
• 1:13:22
  SPEAKER_02: Is there like a website I could look at or A scrivener son I shall be forevermore.
• 1:13:28
  Matt: Like a VH1 behind the music, maybe?
• 1:13:30
  Matt: Alright, and then back to scri Oh, I was joining in.
• 1:13:35
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 1:13:36
  Eric: Oh god, roll the music.
• 1:13:38
  Eric: Roll the fuck me.
• 1:13:39
  Eric: Oh that's oh, it's like I'm just gonna make up a speech case, you know.