Latest / Problematic Pub Podcast / Problematic Pub Podcast - Episode 3 ft Welsh Jesus & Shaun Pursey

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Problematic Pub Podcast - Episode 3 ft Welsh Jesus & Shaun Pursey · Problematic Pub Podcast

0:05
Hello and welcome to the Problematic Pub Podcast with me, Sandro Ford and...
0:11
This is the only podcast when we've got a genuine issue to get the name wrong,
0:14
because we're fucking screaming.
0:18
Who's your name, man? Simon Emanuel. Simon Emanuel! Hi! Hi!
0:23
And we're joined by Garth Hunt. Everybody come on, Garth Hunt.
0:25
Where's Jesus? Where's Jesus?
0:28
I'm the one and the only continent creator driving instructor musician he's
0:32
got a fucking CV as long as my arm it's Sean Percy everybody,
0:40
smash your fucking head in one day you're going to go too far and knock me clean
0:44
out you know like the whole episode I'm just on the fucking desk bleeding out my wig like,
0:53
you go somewhere so rough in the world that someone steals your wig,
0:58
You make up like that You're like ah Your kidney's got Like on my fucking kidney
1:02
No Yeah yeah The police are like Who did it The bloke is looking Really stylish over there,
1:09
Like this Are you going to get home mate Like ah Passport That's a No it is,
1:15
I had a wig Someone has taken it,
1:19
Bizarrely enough right When I got this done I tried to match it To my passport
1:24
sport because I was worried about it even when hairline went down I was like ha ha ha.
1:34
I know when I come back into Bristol years ago my glass I was like alright and
1:39
my fucking eye was all like squint like and he wasn't recognising me and the
1:43
guy's like can you straighten your eye up I was like I'll straighten my eye up I was fucked,
1:47
do you know like as a young girl
1:50
I work with right she's 18 you know she's fucking brutally honest right when
1:54
I got so I went on holiday for two weeks came back new hair and I told everyone
1:58
I didn't care right and one of the girls didn't know she goes I didn't know
2:02
it was fake hair and I turned around and I said Mill I said you know it's fake
2:05
hair right she goes yeah because before you left you didn't have any fucking hair.
2:11
Rubbing my new only fucking head like I got a good question a good pod pod what
2:17
the fuck a good podcast question professional assignment sorry mate you know who you signed up for,
2:22
you're going to do a podcast with someone who's got as much of a check in history as you fuck you,
2:29
Right, good question, right? Ask everyone If you could have a superpower what would it be and why?
2:37
What's the good question? That's the question Okay What would you go for?
2:42
I think fast hands Why?
2:46
I've never been anywhere and stuff's getting done slowly Yeah So
2:49
like the worst thing is you go to a pub and there's a big fucking queue
2:52
for cocktails and you go I've heard that at the bar she goes I'm sure someone
2:58
just fingered me I had a really quick orgasm I don't know what that was I know
3:03
the fact that he said he said he said fast hands and his first thing wasn't
3:08
to go to a casino somewhere it was to go to McDonald's,
3:13
you botkin,
3:17
and also.
3:21
McDonald's making the big burgers quicker than anyone else in the world is still not enough of you,
3:26
oh no he's he's fucking fado dancing he's a he's got he's got a super power
3:34
and he's working at McDonald's,
3:38
on burger bonus like,
3:42
penny a burger oh that's that's you don't need to fart do I sometimes do it
3:47
no I think I'm gonna go to McDonald's and solve the world's problems for the
3:51
world's rights that's amazing that's that's one of What about you guy, what would you go for?
3:56
Fucking hell, I don't know. Play guitar properly?
4:04
Is this your podcast?
4:11
We wonder why we struggle to get guests on this podcast.
4:16
Come on, shallow boxing has just ripped me down the line.
4:20
Fly in That's a good one Have you got an E-jet Joe,
4:25
No It's like It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not It's not
4:30
No go on Fly with who now E-jet right now No I'm with a fucking Or you fly Yeah
4:34
Or with a fucking That's not a super But what if you're just Going to play Yeah yeah.
4:40
On a British series Like Superman Superman With a fucking Forecraft Yeah Shit Shit!
4:49
The city's in devastation. Call Superman. He'll be here in four hours.
4:54
When is he? He's stuck in baggage in Bristley.
4:59
He's got his cape to come through. He's got his cape. I'm Superman.
5:04
Yeah, I bear you our power.
5:07
Why did you want to fly, Gareth? What's that about? I don't fucking know.
5:10
It's just, it's all right now.
5:11
But, you know, say if you're in Bari.
5:15
It's all right now. If you don't mean Barry and you think I fancy a pint in
5:19
Dublin Ah, sure But imagine but you've got to get the right altitude, right?
5:24
Because imagine you could fly but you could only get a couple of inches off
5:27
the ground so you're horizontal but then you've got to avoid roads with speed
5:31
bumps and just break your fucking nose,
5:34
I've never had a dream where you fly in Loads I wouldn't go like this Yeah,
5:38
yeah, yeah But again I don't get off the ground I can see the it's fucking it's
5:44
weird What about you? What's your superpower?
5:46
I'd like to just be able to look at my penis and it'd just go seven inches.
5:53
That'd be clack. Because when I look down now, it's fucking not far off there.
5:59
I'll be nice. The Agra boy. You just have a fly in, right?
6:05
Your cousin, right? Wouldn't learn how to ride a bike when he was a kid because
6:10
he watched E.T. and he thought he was going to take off.
6:16
I love it if you two got mixed up as superheroes, right? So someone's in trouble.
6:21
They're like, quick, send Garrafant the flyer.
6:23
He goes, ah, for fuck's sake, the guy with the hard-ons turned up again.
6:31
Flying cock. Part of a dream. You don't normally boost up with your foot. Use your cock.
6:37
Put the foot down there and it'll get up a dream. So we got fast hands,
6:42
flying, hard-ons. What's yours? It was.
6:46
I'd like to manipulate time. Why are you going all fucking...
6:49
No, not for the reasons you're thinking. Just so I could get my fucking football accumulator in.
6:55
Just know what the results are first and then go back. Or...
6:59
Do you know like sometimes you see a really fucking fit bird right and you're
7:02
like I could go up to her and just say fancy a shag but she says no I'm going
7:05
to look like a cunt right so what you could do go up say fancy a shag she says
7:08
no reverse timing never happens she says yes you're fucking in happy days,
7:12
that's what I'm going for wasn't back in the future though,
7:16
they done the gambling bit did they oh yeah back to future 2 when he fucking
7:21
gets the book of the gambling book he gets the he gets the book of gambling,
7:26
I'd be really scared that I'd change something as well actually going back in
7:29
time imagine imagine you do something awful you think someone's fine you you
7:32
get home and your mum's deidre barlow yeah what the fuck's happening do you
7:36
have a booners watch going up oh yeah i remember the name didn't watch it what
7:40
was it called too cool with you no i just watched it now.
7:45
Are you showing his ass already bird watch bernard's watch schooner's watch
7:52
is that the one with 50 bernard's watch What was that, a programme?
7:56
Yeah, a programme. Ah, no. Explain it. No, that was the Queen's Nose. Ah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
8:03
You get a watch again. Well, I didn't get a watch. He had a watch again,
8:07
but he was, like, boring with it. What was his name, Bernard? No.
8:12
He, like, stopped, like, saying he'd done something wrong on the playground or something. Yeah.
8:15
He just stopped watching. He'd, like, take the ball back. He just...
8:18
It wasn't that cool, really.
8:19
Oh, so he was just, like, doing, like, misdemeanor stuff, like... Yeah.
8:22
Oh I've accidentally kicked a ball in someone's face I wouldn't do that yeah,
8:26
boring twat like that program woof with the dog boy you would turn into a dog
8:31
oh yeah that's and it was a fucking yeah,
8:35
What? That was expressive, Dan!
8:40
Oh, Maria! That's the same motion as someone who's with a mother who's just
8:45
had four kids get in and they're like swimming out!
8:51
He'd turn into a fucking King Charles Spaniard, wouldn't he?
8:54
Yeah, yeah. But he'd never But he'd never do anything, would he?
8:57
Nah, he'd just walk around like And the American one, he was a fucking Labrador.
9:06
And it was the same, he'd just fucking He'd be in the woods and then he'd wake
9:09
up Just going round sniffing other dogs' arses Like I'm going to,
9:16
I'm fucking itching, I gotta go It was shit Imagine that, the RSPCA What the
9:23
fuck's a man doing in there It's a naked vlog I know, I hate this,
9:30
Earlier on, before I fucking Left the house earlier, right when me and the missus
9:35
leave the house and we leave our dog in there we put a telly on he's got his own Netflix fucking,
9:40
he's got his own oh he watches Super Dogs every day,
9:44
but yeah honestly before we left I just took the fucking Sky on and I just turned
9:49
it on and I just chose whatever channel it was right it was S4C right and Amy
9:53
ran the guy she's like oh what have you chosen Welsh for and I said are you fucking,
9:59
I said like I was just like are you re-unlikeling it's a fucking dog Yeah,
10:04
right, as if it's going to matter, innit?
10:05
But when I got fucking home, right, I walked in and even I... BORNA!
10:27
Oh fucking hell That's a clip That's a clip.
10:35
People's dogs How many people's dogs Instagram pages With more followers I know
10:41
I know It's terrible It's fucking mad People are going to Instagram following Yeah,
10:47
It's an advert For the 29th of April It's March mate It's March Basically Basically,
10:53
if you want to see more of this, come to Aberdeen. It's 29th of March.
10:56
He's going to be fucking hammered on stage. I'll be performing. I won't be that pissed.
11:00
Look, yeah, 29th of March. Come down. We've got a comedy show on,
11:03
Simon's Headlining, unfortunately.
11:05
Unfortunately. And I'm MCing. I'm hosting because I'm amazing.
11:09
And the best of the world. And the best of the world. And it's five-part entry. Thank you.
11:15
Speak your truth, Sandro. I'm going to tell my truth. This is triggering me off right here.
11:20
Generally, I go out wherever. But I've been doing like research in my own mind
11:25
now. Yeah. And I've tracked it back to how I've got out, right?
11:28
So growing up, like I'm an Italian, there's a lot of like tomato-based fucking
11:32
foods and that, like a lot of food, like not like a little bit of big foods.
11:35
And then from a young age, I'll always remember, she'd always give me wine with food, right?
11:38
Oh, yeah. So like every meal I've had, she'd give me a glass of wine.
11:42
At least like eight or something.
11:43
So then that, and then on top of that, my auntie, my father,
11:49
she's not working anymore, I don't care. So my father's sister was the head
11:53
and lady in central school.
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So basically what happened then, when I go for food or whatever,
11:59
the kids go for lunches again, they go like a turkey dinosaur or a burger.
12:04
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All she would do was give me a burger and she'd go like that.
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I was having trouble I was having
12:15
trouble with everything she was sneaking things in so basically
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that's what's triggering it all grew up in my childhood so
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it wasn't I was 21 years old I didn't have to have gout it was the wine it was
12:26
the Italian cooking it was my auntie fucking took your dinosaurs and it all
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comes back to that I tell you this is a good subject for the podcast about childhood
12:36
memories I tell you the maddest fucking memory I've got and I still can't believe if I did it, right?
12:40
I had one of those, you know those old black and white camcorders that you could,
12:43
it was like my first camcorder or something, you plugged it straight into the
12:46
video recorder and you could make your own videos. I had one of those, right?
12:49
My best mate comes over and he says, he goes, oh, my nan's died.
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I was like, you were right.
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And he's like, yeah, we were about, I was about 13, 14, right?
13:00
And he's like, all right. And I said, are you okay? He goes,
13:02
yeah. He goes, do you think we can make a video for the funeral?
13:05
And I was like, yeah, we can do that. I swear to God, this is with the video, right?
13:08
It's him standing in front of the camera and he goes, Hey, nanny,
13:11
nanny, have you still got a fanny up in heaven? Oh, up in heaven.
13:16
And then I go past on the background on a skateboard to make it look like I'm
13:20
floating dressed as his nan.
13:22
And I go, God be silly, I've got a willy.
13:28
Did he put you in the video? No. Me? Yeah.
13:32
Like, what did he make of that? Yeah, because his mum watched it first,
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she goes, I can't fucking play that nephew.
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Talking about his nan's minge. No, I wish I did, mate. I fucking wish I did.
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We go up, like, like a whole video. It's not something, little cameras,
13:49
it's like everything. But here's a funny video. There's like one or two.
13:53
One of the, like, Jake said now. He was, he was, he sent his girl,
13:59
like, him doing, like, horizontal press-ups.
14:02
So he put his he put his two legs down the wall and he's like doing like press
14:06
going down and all of a sudden it was too much body weight and he was like and
14:09
he hit the he hit the punch off the wall where is that fucking video I don't know,
14:16
No, we'll find that video and we put it on the podcast. No, the video. It did.
14:24
You said I got one of these. No, but I'm going to go around. Yeah.
14:27
Like, we think back, like, little fucking video. They look shit,
14:30
but they're fucking lame. Yeah, that's the stuff that go viral now.
14:33
I don't know about my nan video, but that one.
14:37
I'll be clear. What's your funniest childhood memory? Is there anything that
14:41
stands out? That was the science of a man that's had a terrible childhood.
14:55
I used to love fucking tiswazzes. I used to love tiswazzes. I was watching it once, right?
15:02
And my uncle come in and he had like a paper plate.
15:05
Yeah. But instead of like cream on the plate, he put shaving foam behind me.
15:09
And he had tiswazzes. And he smashed it in the face with this fucking shaving cream.
15:14
And my eyes are red like a fucking fucking like in school and my eyes are fucking
15:19
watering like it's funny it's a little it's a little well no I was like I love
15:28
that you're in you're in school with red eyes where's Jesus when I need him,
15:32
but that was his warning like he just he didn't like tap me on his shoulder he just said TISWARD,
15:39
imagine that was his warning for everything in the pub TISWARD your pastor,
15:45
When he spunked, I'm like, I'm gonna... He's spunked!
15:53
Being an uncle is funny, though. My mother says I've gone on both grades now.
15:58
Being like a cunty uncle is funny. Yeah. Like, the worst thing you ever do...
16:03
She's like, I'll touch him. I'm like, no. The worst thing I ever do is touch him. But no.
16:10
But in there, he would go, right? Like, I see the guy, I grab him,
16:13
I go, and I throw him, right, on the sofa.
16:15
Yeah, yeah. I think I walk in, throw him, like a teen.
16:18
Yeah, yeah. Runs up, I'm not supposed to fuck you, like, I'll just fuck off.
16:22
I know, I know, yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:24
No, I just throw him once. They come back, I'm like, it's like a fucking,
16:27
like, the boomerang bag.
16:29
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, when we were kids, But I was a guy as a kid,
16:32
like, you wouldn't fucking want to stop.
16:34
Yeah, if you let them, they'd go on for 18 years, you know, there's fucking,
16:37
there's no stopping that, like.
16:39
But when I was a kid, I was a bit fucking mental, right.
16:42
So, do you remember that song, uh, Black Jack, do it again, the little girls
16:47
go round and round, right, that song, right. It was, uh, my old man,
16:51
Stevie Dan, favourite band.
16:52
So, when I was a kid, like, like, to the age of a toddler, like,
16:55
five, six, I'd, like, I'd strip, when someone's coming to you.
17:00
I'd strip off naked and I'd run to my house on Orland Street so how many years ago was that last year,
17:11
no more than 10 years Orland Street.
17:16
I was like young I was young alright so I saw a lady so I hear the door I strip
17:23
off and I run to the top of the stairs it was a terrace I was walking and they
17:27
open the door And I grabbed my wheelie and I go, flag check,
17:30
do it again, go round,
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but I don't need a kid, I stopped doing it and my wheelie didn't grow But the
17:38
thing I thought of, years later, I was in Tesco's, I saw this old woman about
17:43
a car, I was about to buy a car, I'm in a conversation,
17:46
yeah, yeah, I saw a car, what car, blah, blah, blah,
17:48
But there's this friend called Claudia, nowhere now, right?
17:52
Sandro! So I looked, alright, he's a flashy cock to me and just walked off.
17:59
With no context. This one was like this. Oh my God. I walked off.
18:04
It's not what it sounds like. I was a child. I'm shouting it in.
18:09
Why would you come and see that? Do you know when you were doing that as a child,
18:12
did you by any chance have the same creepy uncle turn up with more space?
18:17
I did though. I was a flashy cock to me and walked off.
18:23
Fuck's sake It's like That's fucking funny I know Sean Do you Are you definitely
18:28
I got fucking loads man But like At the moment I can't think of anything Like I can think of one,
18:34
Which Kind of like your same Where So when When me There's two years between
18:40
me And my brother right And when we were kids My father had like a dodgy box
18:43
Remember you could have All the channels Oh yeah yeah Mother's binge Yeah.
18:50
I'm too Sorry.
18:57
So like me and my brother remember you went but this is when vcrs around and
19:01
you could fucking you'd either have sp or lp short play long play so we'd go
19:05
down there and we'd record porn like so that's right so we put it on lp put
19:09
this tape in recorded porn lovely and i don't know probably about 12 and then one day then,
19:17
My parents decided to put the fucking The Alcudia 97 tape on Oh no Yeah So you're
19:24
watching a fucking family holiday Shut up,
19:31
Honestly You're the best man You blame your own man,
19:37
And your mum's like I know we drank on holiday But don't remember this,
19:42
On our actual tape as well right Like without the fucking Pawnee
19:45
bit on there right it was so funny because like I think we'd
19:48
gone on holidays with my uncle and he took a fucking a camcorder with him yeah
19:53
and my father used it like do you mean so like he's just filming by the pool
19:57
and he's filming like I know just this woman in a bikini shut up yeah yeah and
20:02
then see the fucking husband just sat up and like shut up and the camera just goes.
20:10
Gone are the days of the slaves oh but I do think that's a thing that like this
20:16
generation the one thing they've lost out is watching like paul in numbers oh yeah,
20:23
steve's house but we should go to this guy's uh um and um like he he had like
20:29
some german porn and i liked and,
20:31
so he he come to look at and they'd be like 10 of us like yeah watching it yeah
20:34
in the living room yeah all learning and then the lights going all there like
20:38
watching numbers it was funny because Because it was weird, because every,
20:43
like, few minutes, Eddie was going to the toilet, I was there, like... Yeah, yeah.
20:47
What's the smell of bleach? Yeah. It's like watching porn with your mates.
20:52
And my old man said, he wasn't even fucking... He probably, he's not that old.
20:55
What's weird, like... No, but my old man, like, he said, when he was,
20:59
like, younger, like, one of the workmen's clubs, on a Sunday morning,
21:02
he'd have porn, so in the clubs, he'd put a porn on the big screen.
21:06
Yeah. So, Eddie would go up, like, and all the men would be watching porn together.
21:10
Do you know... Where's the bag of pork scratchers? It is mad!
21:14
It's like Sunday morning strippers. Do you know what? Those guys go to the rail
21:18
and transport, they have a stripper on, they put a banana up their arse,
21:22
and then they put a bit of porn on, they go for a roast dinner, and what the fuck is it?
21:25
I like the idea of you going to Berlin later in your life, and you're like,
21:29
do you know any German? You go, funny enough, I know how to ask someone to rim me.
21:31
I don't know where that's come from. It's just drilled in there.
21:35
It's mad, but now, that's the thing. Would you just do that when you were a
21:38
kid, though? Oh, yeah. Yeah, like literally all in one house. Yeah, yeah.
21:41
And normally it was the house of whoever had the dirtiest mum.
21:45
Like, you know, the mum that you knew, she was on the sort of flicking a bean to that fucking porn.
21:51
And it was her porn, like, and it was always Phil Fela. And then we tried to
21:55
have a bloody, like, I suppose it was an orgy once after watching this porn.
21:59
And like, it was maybe three girls, about five guys.
22:06
So like, they're like, oh, we should try out. where we saw on you and I remember
22:10
fucking just being clueless mate so I'm fucking my mate's on one tit I'm on
22:14
the other and as if she's milking fucking and I remember just trying to like just trying to do that,
22:21
and she just got up turned the light and she goes this is not working,
22:25
it's terrible like awful,
22:29
but back in the I won't say the guy's name back in the days I'll tell you after
22:32
the story but this is one of the funniest stories so back in the day your day
22:36
probably they used to who, no, but...
22:40
You know he's not actually Jesus, right?
22:43
Like, the cock bags are on wood. It was Carlin Spoon.
22:51
In the back of the day, you look at him. He's like, so, if you,
22:54
say, I had, like, German porn, and whatever, you'd swap tapes.
22:58
Yeah. Yeah. So I made... Oh, you remember that? Yeah, you know.
23:03
So, like, this guy I know, I said, I have to fuck up.
23:06
You know who he is. so hey he said he had he had a podcast like that no he had
23:13
a tape like that he's got it made so his mother father going on the caravan
23:16
or whatever so he gets in I know he chucks the fucking so he gets in naked now yeah,
23:22
chucks on the car now right so it comes
23:25
on now right as it comes on his mother walks
23:28
in he's like oh right but it was fucking like someone stitched him up to get
23:32
the porn off him yeah it was like animal planet it so what is it he's like no
23:41
he said he goes it's gone christian jonathan you were wanking over,
23:47
dear and you won't put it around it's not normal and he had to go and is it that's funny man,
23:57
Why didn't you stop after the deer? Yeah, like, why didn't you...
24:08
I've been caught wanking before. Have I told this one, Sam? Oh,
24:11
yeah, definitely, yeah. Huh?
24:13
No, no, I've been flat out caught by my old man. So, what it was,
24:17
right, I was probably about 14, you know, like, prime wanking,
24:21
like, do you mean when you just start, like... Oh, yeah.
24:23
Can't get enough of it, like, do you mean... Yeah. Little Woods magazines the lot
24:26
yeah yeah yeah so it goes fuck god just
24:29
like still images but I had this
24:32
tape right Medieval Mischief it was called right so I set I set up my folded
24:37
up fucking chair which me and my brother used to use for wrestling right and
24:40
I was just ball like naked and I just started fucking going for it and my old
24:44
man walks in and I'm ball like naked on a folded up chair and I was like fuck and he's like have a bath.
24:53
His brother and the old man chilled yeah I'll barf walk off but I'll never forget
25:00
what he said to my my old man right we were we were,
25:03
yeah we were at a funeral like a few years back oh my god we were at a funeral
25:07
and we were just having a fag outside and he said to my wife he said oh you
25:12
haven't gone long long left now Geoff you're waking yet like,
25:18
I was I said to my mate oh my god but I don't know what to say,
25:25
I tried to be funny about it.
25:26
I was like, I'll make it like the oldest dad. I said, oh, your dad be first.
25:32
He's like, ah, what the fuck? Like, do you know, I was, I was at my,
25:38
I was genuine, I was at my own dad's funeral once, right? So fucking proper sad and stuff.
25:43
And a comedian mate of mine turned up, right? And it's a good job with fucking good friends.
25:47
Cause he's turned up and he's been shopping. So he's got a fucking Primark bag. He turns up, I said,
25:52
mate what's in the bag he goes her new fucking dad you cunt.
26:02
I honestly comedy is the answer it's like if stuff happens I'm the first to
26:07
say I'm in a proper stuff because it makes me then my dad when Ely's dad fucking
26:12
passed away I grew up with him so I know obviously he's upset and brevity but,
26:17
he used to make pasty all the time yeah for some reason he used to love a fucking
26:21
drink and love making play pasties right and I thought I said obviously your
26:25
dad's gone he's going to be pasty left for a freeze I didn't think laughing
26:30
because that's the way I do things I can't be dealing with fucking.
26:35
It's like in film it's even in film
26:38
like obviously it's new the worst person this is an
26:41
advert for Stone Circle Comedy Club probably shouldn't have
26:44
started by saying this is an advert looks massively unprofessional but Stone
26:48
Circle Comedy Club where is it though I'll tell you I'll tell
26:50
you where it is Sandro shut your fucking mouth it's in the garage music venue
26:55
in Uplands which is under the White Snooker Hall it happens every second Sunday
26:59
always a top professional line we don't mess around which is why Sandro's never
27:03
given me on the fucking bill come down go to www.stonecirclecomedy.co.uk,
27:10
get out of my pub,
27:13
he's not a man he's not a fucking he's not a man he goes ooh that's one piece of beans on toast,
27:19
I'm like I'm like fucking I'm like 11 I am four So was that the moment You lost
27:24
respect I said don't you know White bread as well It says everything I need
27:28
to know about you You didn't lose respect When he pulled the guitar out You
27:30
lost respect When you saw how much He was eating,
27:34
Look there we got a pussy.
27:37
I remember that Like fucking bad You ain't no man You ain't no man You walk
27:43
in here One slice Bitch Oh we got news stories,
27:49
News of the week. News of the week.
27:53
Actually, can I talk to Glebe or something? Yeah, go on. Because I'm,
27:56
it's hard to say it. Right, because Sean's, you do a little bit of music,
28:00
but he's part of our music.
28:04
So, Glastonbury lineups. Okay. Sean is a veteran of Glastonbury.
28:07
Oh, yeah. I've been to three of them. I'm a legend.
28:09
Have you been to Glastonbury? Yeah, I've been once. Oh, that's nothing.
28:12
I've been to Glastonbury. I'm joking.
28:14
What did everyone else say? I've been five times.
28:19
You're more of a cream films I got cream feels oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
28:23
yeah Glastonbury Lineups what's your thoughts shit we've got,
28:28
Coldplay Coldplay are good Coldplay are good yeah yeah I be gutted with the
28:31
other ones though yeah what's your thoughts Sean,
28:33
Coldplay have done it enough that I think you should only be allowed to play
28:37
once you should only be allowed to headline once because it's so prestigious do you mean that SZ
28:42
I've never fucking heard of that no I never well I said it
28:45
to my missus earlier and I was like who the fuck is SZ said Z-A-Z-A and
28:48
she said oh it's scissor and I said oh fucking sorry
28:51
I don't know my fucking abbreviation yeah
28:54
oh sorry for not being able to read properly like fucking hell but I think it's
28:58
absolutely there's a couple on there five times now yeah yeah but Glastonbury
29:02
is all about not the main it is the main stage obviously but you can still have
29:06
fun in the other stages but even when we say in that if you look back in the
29:11
day say like when fucking,
29:12
think of like an 80s it was an 80s headliner big headliner uh huh.
29:20
Back in the day you're like oh they're shit but now they're classics or maybe
29:23
a musical it might be a thing but,
29:26
it's the best place in the world but so you're saying back in the day the big
29:30
bands in the 80s at the time people were like oh these are shit and now they're
29:34
like oh they were quite good even though they had number one after number one
29:36
in the 80s when they were actually what's his name is a prime example of that what's his name Stormzy,
29:43
Rick Astley,
29:44
Oh, it's a show. Never gonna give you up. Think how big he is now.
29:47
Never gonna let you down.
29:49
Never gonna run around in desert pockets.
29:54
Because he, like, he gave up his career to raise his kid. Oh,
29:58
didn't he? He actually did give up. He did. Are you taking the piss?
30:01
It's almost, I never gave it up. Yeah. I did not realise that pun.
30:06
No fucking way. He raised her. I don't know.
30:08
Did he do that? Rick Ashley, he didn't even tell you. Yeah. Not his.
30:12
Retired. he retired at 28 I think it
30:15
was 28 yeah he retired at 28 he was
30:18
a I think he was a multi-millionaire at that point and then obviously
30:21
the internet came about and the Rick Roll thing that is fucking and look at
30:26
him now he tours with bands now doesn't he yeah he's played with yeah so he
30:30
reads a song and then he gave up yeah and then he gave up he did now well go
30:36
on then what's the song then I didn't give up,
30:41
I wanted to give up I nearly gave up when I had bills to pay.
30:48
I'm skint,
30:51
but he's a talented man and his last song fucking kids that ruined your life
30:58
so it's cold places and who's the other one Dua Lipa now I would I would like
31:04
to see that have you seen the thing though I didn't know this I would love to see that I didn't know,
31:10
this was I didn't know this was a music industry right yeah because I'm quite intelligent and that,
31:16
sorry man no but like so not
31:19
like Dua Lipa sorry can I check it is Sandra isn't it the man Dem is possessed
31:24
so Dua Lipa Taylor Swift this is a fact yeah they're parents of millionaires
31:29
right yeah so what happened they bought their first million so many thousand
31:34
albums or whatever their father bought them,
31:37
and they got him on the charts and that's what they got. Wow. Or backed.
31:41
Conspiracy Corner, back again. It's not, it's not. It's true,
31:44
isn't it? It's true, it's true, it's jamming true, yeah, yeah. Wow. They all backed.
31:47
So what are you saying, I need another four thousand dads that have more than
31:52
watched this twice a day and we're on a fucking road.
31:54
We bring your dad back. Who was the Dua Lipa? I don't know.
31:58
Taylor Swift, Sim. So their dad's alone.
32:00
So when they started off, apparently you've got to buy some anything to get him on the charts.
32:04
You can buy yourself You serve on the tours and stuff. Yeah,
32:06
yeah. So they pump money into it, bought all the track. Yeah.
32:10
And then you go on to that and then you get up the, that's the day, don't you?
32:14
Fucking hell. Yeah. It's bad, man, isn't it? It's bad. And it's like that,
32:18
it's like that on Com, like Simon's been trying for years, but.
32:21
Yeah. Yeah. No, but it's the same kind of thing, like it's fucking,
32:25
you go to Edinburgh, right, and you go to Edinburgh Festival and it's the big,
32:28
and then Glass kind of convenes, like, it's fucking, it's non-existent,
32:33
like, because there's so much money to put these shows on.
32:35
Yeah see him at them with Cristiano Ronaldo what it's us Cristiano Ronaldo's
32:40
dad basically bought 23 other players and then 20,000 tickets for the stand
32:48
and just made sure he had a good game and that's what got him on yeah,
32:52
no but I've seen I've seen some shows like that right like example this.
32:57
There's a guy called Matt Price right fucking one of the best yeah
33:00
yeah yeah incredible Matt Price yeah Matt Price fucking
33:03
unbelievable right yeah yeah incredible and at Baden bro he was struggling to
33:06
get numbers in right because it's fucking hard like I struggle and he's he's
33:10
like fucking above all of us and then I I seen some acts right who are like
33:16
back in and they're having like they got PR and they pay they pay in thousands
33:20
and fill in rooms I'm like that is a fucking honestly.
33:24
And the show's awful is it a service like it is genuine I had a fucking me and
33:29
Paulie did a show up there it was it was like don't call that a show he turned up tried to.
33:36
Two of us doing half hour on each side just doing straight stand up sets and
33:39
people are coming up to us and like we are not like fucking I'm like top class and Paul,
33:45
no but generally we're not like we're not fucking nothing special I've been
33:48
looking at them and they've been doing,
33:50
they're like this is the best show you've seen because we're just doing straight
33:53
stand up jokes and people are like they go to the show in like the fucking under
33:57
bare red and they pay all this money and they walk in and they go to Usher and
34:02
they go on and someone's going to,
34:04
My grandfather is dead. Yeah, yeah.
34:08
Someone's got to show up. Someone talk with their corpse. Yeah,
34:11
yeah, yeah. Someone's got to show about their fucking budgie getting into debt.
34:18
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't come up to bed in a rush, but I guess I can't
34:23
do one comment, but he turned up. Fucking worst mistake of my life.
34:27
He said the worst mistake ever was turning up and staying with Sandro,
34:30
right? I don't know what I was expecting.
34:32
Every day this would happen, right? This is my Edinburgh.
34:35
My show was 9 o'clock at night, right? Met these guys up there,
34:38
fucking through Josh Ellett to do a show with them. They're fucking Essex boys.
34:41
They're fucking hilarious, right? Fucking big swiggers.
34:44
So I got to know them all. So basically what happened, every day,
34:47
my day would start at 1 o'clock.
34:48
I'd get a bus into Edinburgh Central on the piss, watch a couple of shows.
34:52
I don't really like comedy, but I do. A couple of beers.
34:55
I don't like watching shows, but on a beer's whatever.
34:57
And 9 o'clock comes, I'm fucking steaming. Does the show.
35:00
Stay up then to the comedian's bar to like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:03
The last bus is at 2am the next bus is 5am,
35:07
2am you're in a pub I'm like I'm not going home so then I stay up till 5 every
35:11
morning and then I get up again it was like a fucking it was a wheel of death
35:15
right so he turns up right he hadn't been asleep for like 20 hours,
35:20
he turned up like ah straight out fucking on it wherever met you breakfast.
35:25
11am 11am should we have a beer yeah fucking have a beer breakfast beers right
35:30
fucking on seat and then And he's in a comedian's bar like that, right?
35:36
He's all not, like, sleeping.
35:38
And he's like, I want to go home. He's like, ah.
35:41
One more drink. He's like, ah, no more fucking yes. I've got to go to bed.
35:45
And you said one more drink about 20 times.
35:47
Every time I was like, Sandu, it's 3am. I've got to go. He's like, one more drink.
35:52
He got a friend about to do shows, do shows, network, whatever.
35:56
He booked loads of shows. He cancelled most of them. He then done my show, right?
36:00
He took, what did you? Ah, fuck, you know, I took a high strength Ritalin because
36:04
I was so, basically I was so fucking knackered. I'm supposed to take Ritalin and I don't, right?
36:08
I had in my bag high strength. I thought well it's fucking it's legal meth and
36:11
if you drink with it it's a bit like it's a bit like pork isn't it I fucking
36:15
took it right I did two no two shows with you and then after the second show
36:20
he goes to me he goes are you alright now I was like what do you mean he goes
36:23
you looked off your fucking chunk on stage I'm like you could have fucking told
36:26
me the first thing do you know what I mean Jesus Christ he's gone stage.
36:33
He's fucking mad when he came up we know we know out all fucking night he was
36:40
just fucking mad yeah it's insane Edmure's good but I find Edmure Festival have
36:44
we been up before Edmure Festival nah nah I've been doing it I haven't been
36:46
to the festival alright Edmure Festival,
36:50
Edmure Festival always like it's fucking what's mad about the old thing Edmure's
36:55
saying it's got like 4,000 people live there the festival's on there's 2 million
36:59
people at all times the streets are fucking rammed it's fucking great but it
37:03
is fucking pricey and it's just full of cunts isn't it like,
37:07
it's full of comedians coming up to you oh fucking alright mate because they
37:11
know you run gigs it's like fuck off if I wasn't running gigs you wouldn't sit
37:14
and have a beer with me so fucking off you go would you do it again then yeah
37:18
I probably would mate next time we take in this podcast up there are we taking
37:23
over fucking Edinburgh Festival,
37:26
if your nan's left money and she's paying for your gig you don't give a fuck
37:30
because you've got sponsorship off Arvanales.
37:36
That's it that's it Alvin Plum what's Josh's film called company comes to doors
37:41
and what's his film called Pass for Percy Pass for Percy pop pop,
37:49
that's my qualifier no but yeah I would go up again but next time if I had like
37:54
a show done because I done a split trip it was good month but it fucked my I
37:58
come back and I'm like you know your liver's throbbing yeah yeah,
38:03
oh no I've done it again I got some new stories oh sorry new stories new stories
38:09
so it's this section do the new story jingle new story of the week,
38:18
it's different every time hold on I'll go and do Blackface because that was Trey McDonald oh my god.
38:28
Can't you raise that I don't know he holds my life in his hands yeah He could
38:35
end my shit career. Oh, damn. Again.
38:40
All right. So this is basically news stories. And we're going to get people's opinions.
38:46
The first one, mystery metal mammoth appears in Hay-in-Wye, Wales.
38:54
Have you seen this? Yeah.
38:55
So basically, these things are weird, right? They've been appearing all over the world. Oh, yeah.
38:59
Someone thought it was the UFO. Yeah. Yeah, and one was in the Sahara Desert.
39:03
One was somewhere in Japan.
39:04
They are these big metal, just shiny fucking boxes, which would take machines
39:10
to fucking put in, and they're just appearing in the wilderness. One would...
39:16
I've been like here the stuff you made have you ever been there I have I've
39:22
seen fucking grown men trying to get an eight piece watermelon with K8 and they
39:31
do it and that's how it happens,
39:35
nice and easy nice and sweet,
39:38
so do you think whilst that was being constructed there was just a really angry step I go.
39:45
Put this in a fucking saw I can do it,
39:49
I haven't heard of this story though yeah yeah I didn't know we were all around
39:53
the world yeah all around the world mate,
39:55
it's basically it's I think it's 12 foot tall all metal around it it's just
40:01
a square object and they've dug it it's been dug into the ground it's been landed
40:05
in so where was it it's Hay-in-Wye yeah it's gotta be like promoting a film
40:09
or something well it's Dragon well have you seen I've seen,
40:12
ah, 2001 A Space Odyssey. Oh, yeah.
40:15
There's a monolith at the end of that now. Yeah. Right again,
40:18
and that's what it is, basically, now that it's been cropping up.
40:21
I don't know whether it's, I think shit like this, right, is distraction.
40:26
It's the same as, like, the Kate Middleton stuff with the photo,
40:29
it's a distraction or something.
40:30
Oh, go back to that, I know the Kate Middleton thing, because I've been seeing
40:33
photos, what was I talking about?
40:34
Ah, so basically, they fake the photo of the palace using AI,
40:37
and they got caught out, because if you zoom into the kid's fingers, they're all fucked up.
40:41
And Andrew's the man But I think they're now on purpose Yeah,
40:45
yeah, yeah To create a story, people are going out somewhere But they're doing
40:49
some back fucking handed deals Oh yeah, yeah,
40:53
Oh yeah, they did Andrew Prince Andrew Oh, Prince Andrew Because,
41:00
to be honest I know you're not gay, but say it like that I let Charles do it I fucking think.
41:10
When you there Charles What's up you Where you been You fingered with the king
41:18
That would be That would be The literal king finger,
41:25
This is an advert For the 29th of April It's
41:29
March mate It's March Basically If you want to see more
41:32
of this Come to Alvin It's 29th of March He's going to be Fucking hammered on
41:36
stage and I'll be performing and I won't be that pissed look yeah 29th of March
41:40
come down we've got a comedy show on Simon's Headlining unfortunately and I'm
41:45
MCing I'm hosting it's amazing and best of the world and the best of the world
41:49
and it's five pound entry thank you,
41:52
7am just drinking and we,
41:55
we've we've mapped out what's going on right and all the films they release
42:00
End of the World Maychinks all these films right yeah I think that's They map,
42:07
and all the stuff they release.
42:09
Oh, so you think that's them sort of- This is like kitchen talk now.
42:12
Admitting to it, before they do it. The Matrix, all these different films, it's all fucking true.
42:18
But they make you think, you watch with a guy, it's like, oh,
42:21
she's fucking mad. No, I think that's true, mate, because I watched Dummond Dummond and I met you.
42:27
It's coming out now. Where's my dad? Where's my fucking dad?
42:37
That has to be the statement of this podcast. You've barely put an answer in the back.
42:46
Tell you what, I was in the film, um, Exception.
42:50
Oh my word. The time one. Inception. Inception, yeah. The time,
42:53
the time, the time, the time, the time one, the time one. Yeah, yeah.
42:58
So everyone gets timed, yeah? Yeah. Timed?
43:02
Exception would mean everyone got... Your time is... No, everyone gets timed. Yeah.
43:07
It's about dreams Dreams? Oh Which one?
43:13
You're on about Inception Yeah You're on about the bloody one with Justin Timberlake
43:17
Yeah I thought he said a typo Yeah He's just called time's out Is he?
43:31
They got the time thing Wow In time Yeah, is that the same film, no? No.
43:38
Okay, okay. What's that film called? About time.
43:42
Exception, he said. Exception.
43:46
All right, get it on there.
43:51
It's not the same film, is it? No, no. Exception goes to Dream.
43:55
I've traveled and seen Dream. Have you? Have you? I bet you only went to the bakery, though.
44:01
I love that one. No but I Taking that personally I've Sometimes you wake up
44:08
Do I ever wake up And scream or,
44:10
What You sleep in the morning I do No no Because I miss my alarm Now Yeah So
44:16
what I do I sleep like that I sleep Really,
44:21
Ask him I sleep like this I sleep When I sleep right Yeah I sleep Like this I sleep,
44:29
And you could hardly breathe. Fucking Vlad the inhaler.
44:37
Yeah, he could scream. He'd be like, I can't feel it. It's like, ah!
44:45
So now, there's a new thing on TikTok. When you get up, you scream like,
44:50
something, something. Yeah. What's it?
44:54
And I swear down, right, your alarm goes, God.
44:58
But normally, Normally, I'd snooze there. Now, the thing is,
45:02
when you start, when you scrape, you scrape yourself up. What's that?
45:08
I get out of bed. But what's happening, my sister's living somewhere because
45:11
the house is getting done. Yeah. I just go, you make up the kids.
45:13
I don't give a care. And the kids never want it.
45:22
One day, they're going to get big enough they'll fucking want it.
45:27
He's fucking changed my life, mate.
45:30
It's changing neighbours life it's right you can't do you know what I mean I
45:36
don't know what my chant would be I don't know so is this something that's supposed
45:39
to get you going for the thing where's my wig,
45:47
I forgot I was bald.
45:52
Taking the balls have you heard they call hair systems and not wigs am I right
45:57
yes Yeah, I've got that system.
45:59
The woke fucking bass playing.
46:03
The main difference is they've got one piece of lace on them.
46:07
But no years ago was mad, back in the day.
46:11
Yeah? I was just there doing that. I know.
46:15
But like, no big years ago, they were like, you'd have like grey hair,
46:19
and people would put on brown hair. I know, I know, I know.
46:22
Catastrophes, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
46:25
What the fuck is that and you'd have to and you'd just have to go along with
46:30
it wouldn't you like it's grown back you know yeah fair enough yeah fair enough
46:35
have you watched the programme Derek yeah yeah that's the outtakes with fucking Carl,
46:40
yeah yeah and then I go what's up Jeremy and he's like this part's there this
46:45
part's fucked up yeah yeah fucking great amazing so I go walk in right well
46:52
if as working So I was working in Cardiff, I was working with McGowright, and he's amazing.
46:56
But he's like that kind of character. Yeah.
46:59
Alariously funny, but not being funny, just like naturally. That's just what it is.
47:03
He's like, oh, he's one of them characters. Yeah. But do you think Carl Pickner
47:08
is that character, or do you think it is? No, I think he is.
47:11
Yeah, he's a strong man. I've seen the video.
47:15
Ricky Gervais is falling in, right? He's like, ah, where are you?
47:17
I'm just going to tell him. Yeah, yeah. I'm ready to go. I haven't been fucking paid yet.
47:22
Have you seen that one? Yeah. Everyone's got their hand out.
47:25
Everyone's got their hand out. They're all like, you're paid for me.
47:27
And I haven't been paid. What time are we on?
47:31
What's that? For the second section. Oh, bloody hell. All right,
47:35
we'll do one more news story in a couple of days, eh?
47:38
We've got, this is good. I want to hear your opinion on this,
47:40
mate. I want to know what you would do in this situation, right?
47:43
Residents in Japan have been warned to avoid a toxic cat.
47:48
Basically, there's a cat on the loose in Japan that's fallen into some toxic
47:52
waste and is leaving radioactive footprints out on the street.
47:57
So government have told people that the cat is radioactive to avoid.
48:01
What would you do in that situation?
48:02
First thing to do, whose cat's it?
48:05
Cat shit! No, no, whose cat is it? Whose cat is it? For insurance purposes.
48:10
They don't know, mate. That's the thing. It probably was someone's cat,
48:14
but now it's probably mutated a bit.
48:15
When you said toxic, I thought he was just like being a cunt and talking about people.
48:21
Oh, yeah, fuck it. He's winding up all the dogs in this.
48:29
That would be great for your own self-esteem, avoiding.
48:34
Look at you. You do what? You point out all your flaws. You don't need it.
48:40
You've been telling everyone your mother shags dogs.
48:53
I don't know with cats they're always like yeah the thing is if this cat gets superpowers right,
49:04
The things that cats can already, because normally it's a man that will get
49:06
superpowers and he'll have the powers of a cat, right?
49:09
This cat's already a fucking cat. What man is that? What was a cat?
49:12
Well, you know what I mean. What cat woman? Like a Spider-Man,
49:15
Batman, Cat-Man, Cat-Woman, yeah?
49:17
So like, but he's already a cat. He's already agile as fuck.
49:20
So what more would he get from those superpowers?
49:22
Imagine, he'd be fucking nuts, wouldn't he? He's already got nine lives as well.
49:26
Oh, yeah. He's already got nine lives. Perhaps he gets a tenth. A tenth life.
49:30
Yeah. And he can talk to dogs. But do you reckon, if he mutated his paw would
49:37
come behind his ankle or he gets really fast hands and works at McDonald's.
49:44
Do you want to sing a song what yeah let's do a song to end the episode it's
49:49
lovely this is an advert for stone circle comedy club probably shouldn't have
49:54
started by saying this is an advert looks massively unprofessional but stone
49:57
circle comedy club is it though,
50:00
I'll tell you where it is Sandro It's in the garage music venue in Uplands,
50:06
which is under the White Snooker Hall. It happens every second Sunday.
50:09
Always a top professional line-up. We don't mess around, which is why Sandals
50:12
never give me on the fucking bill.
50:15
Come down, go to www.stonecirclecomedy.co.uk. Get out of my pub.
50:22
Working in the problematic studio. Who have you got tonight, Simon?
50:25
Now then, now then. A young man that you might not have heard of yet.
50:29
Chopin and Pops is Garrafons.
50:32
I don't want to do it now.
50:36
Hey. Hey. Hey, get the belly button out, kid.
50:43
Hey, man. All right. So, this song is on Facebook.
50:49
And it's called... I don't know why I dropped my fucking plaque.
50:52
Fucking hell, man. Ah, see what it is. I'm done with this lifestyle.
50:56
I got it. I got to start the gun now. No, I'm not going to.
50:59
I'll crack on. All right, so this is called God's Country and it's about whales.
51:07
Blast. I don't know how to sing. Fuck it. Ready?
51:11
Whales, whales, whales, whales. Cumbria and Beth, Adamar or Heed.
51:17
Land of my fathers, the green grass of home.
51:21
Gavin and Stacey and Tom fucking Jones.
51:23
Music.
51:30
Our flag is the best, all others are shit With a big fuck-off dragon,
51:35
it'll blow yours to bits Our anthem sends shivers up everyone's spine We don't
51:40
like the Tories, cos they closed all the mines Wales, Wales.
51:44
Music.
53:18
And that was a poor body poor guy goodnight woo y'all I won't run I'm French.