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When a highly sensitive man has nobody who sees him (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a highly sensitive man who considers himself friendless, or perhaps you have people around you, but there's no one who really sees you clearly for who you are, or who misunderstands when you try and share something that is, you know, below the surface of you, a little bit deeper.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's you, I I feel for you, you know, because my husband is also a highly sensitive man, and you know, in the past he's had friends, but they never saw who he was on the inside.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when he tried to share some of the parts of him that were, you know, out of the ordinary, then that would kind of get weird, you know, all the reactions that you've probably had.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so that can be quite quite painful and quite a hard place to be in.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is especially true when you're going through something difficult, when life uphends you, you know, when there's shifts, whether it's a a job loss or relationship loss or a change in relationship status going through divorce.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's these moments in in time when you know friends who are more service level, friends who who maybe you know bring bring energy into our lives, who drag us out to to do things, you know, to maybe enjoy life a little bit more.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: But when we go through those times, sometimes we need more than that.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: We need someone to go into the the darkness with us, someone to reflect on childhood experiences or traumas that we've gone through, or to just sit with us and listen to our story of how we've been treated by an ex, or um, you know, whatever it might be.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of you have gone through a lot of rejection even with friends and or in life, and so talking about that, needing someone to talk to about that.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're in that place you're not alone.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: There are, you know, this community is full of of men who who are trying who who don't have a lot of people in their lives who can you know, I talk about this witness and witness them.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by witnessing is that it's it's a it's it's a form of anti-gaslighting, I suppose.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's when somebody listens to our experience and doesn't try and change it or manipulate it or say it's not that bad, or all the things that you know people have said to us that just kind of like punch us in the gut.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: It it's just it takes our breath away because we're trying to share something deep and the pain of it and the sorrow of it, or the anger and the grief of that feeling.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: We just we want that to be acknowledged sometimes.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so when someone is being a witness, they are acknowledging our reality, you know, um, and without imposing their own unresolved, you know, issues on us.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, because when we when we share, when when we're asking someone to listen to us, that's that's asking that's asking a lot from them.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Listening is a true skill.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Listening requires so much full presence and attention, and it's it's not a big ask.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And no one like this has been something that I I've had to really think about a lot.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like no one owes us listening, right?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Our partner doesn't owe us listening.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like my husband doesn't owe it to me to listen, you know, he chooses to listen, and I choose to listen to him, and sometimes we we we we don't have the capacity to listen.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're so full up with our own experiences of what's going on for us, or sometimes we're just too tired, or whatever.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's like we don't have the capacity to listen in those moments.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So it's important to realize that the other person that we want to listen to us doesn't always have the capacity to do that, or maybe they're just not a good listener either, you know.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but so the witness, a witness creates enough safety, they create safety and recognition.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So they're recognizing what's happening for us, they're recognizing that we're hurt or we're angry or we're, you know, in deep pain about something.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they create that.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I always think about it as holding space.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is just just creating this almost like bubble.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're intuitive here, a lot of us, and it's like you can imagine this this bubble of of safety and containment and recognition that we can then discover our own experience on a deeper level.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: We can, when we're talking and exploring our what's happened to us, when somebody's truly listening, we can we can end up finding the the deeper layers underneath the experience, why something hurt us so much, like why someone's rejection of us hurt that badly.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's I feel like there's always deeper layers to experiences, and most of the time it goes back to our childhood, right?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: It goes back to things that we experienced, and you know, it goes back to our our patterns and and how we were treated by our parents or our siblings.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so we can, you know, the witness can also, when they're listening, find like put truth to and and word, put truth into words that we um have never been able to put into words ourselves or have never allowed ourselves to think about, you know, if if say someone close to us treats us badly, and you know, our mind and the way we work and the way our patterns are from childhood was to like give everyone an excuse and out for their beh their bad behavior and to let them off the hook and over and over and over again, maybe you can relate to that, but it's whatever it is, we might have a pattern of letting other people off the hook, but a witness can say they treated you really badly, and that's unacceptable, and you are worthy of putting up a boundary and saying no to that behavior or no to that action.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it that's what a witness can do is to reflect that back to us about how badly a person has treated us, so that we can then go, oh, they did treat me badly, didn't they?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, like that wasn't my fault how they treated treated me.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've read so many stories in the comments from you about, you know, just being treated badly in relationships.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I I think particularly this is true for for INFJs.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my husband is an INFJ, and you know, I read a lot of comments from INFJ men, and it's like in relationships, it's like you just want to repair and and make sure everything's okay.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And and so, but it can mean that you end up being treated badly in situations, and so sometimes we need other people to step in and say, that's not okay how they're treating you, and you need to put up a boundary, you know, or not need to that that's like never need or should, but it's like I I I um back you up.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I back you up in in doing that for yourself, you know, because because we all know that we can't fix anyone else, you know.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: We have to decide for ourselves that we're gonna make a change, that we're gonna set a boundary, that we're gonna change our habits and behaviors, and we're gonna put in the work of understanding ourselves better and and changing our relationships or or distancing ourselves from people.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're the only people that can do that for ourselves, and we can't do that for others either.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something that I think we all have to learn is like we just want to make make it better for people, you know.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: We we don't want other people to suffer, but we have to look after our own suffering first and work on our own our own boundaries and our own, you know, all the things.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, another person can say, you know, what you what you experienced was real, and your feelings about it are legitimate, you know.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's legitimate to be angry with that person about how they treated you, it's legitimate to feel really, really sad about what's happening in your life, you know.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: So that's when I talk about witnessing, that's what I'm talking about.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: And um just allows space for whatever feelings are present to be present, you know, not trying to fix or make it better or it is just it's holding space for the experience to be for you for us to move through because when we have, you know, when we have these these traumas that happen in life or these big moments that shake our lives, we need to take some time to experience the feelings of what's happening.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that's what happens when when we don't it gets stuck in us.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: It it it you know, if if we have these patterns of, you know, I've I've just kind of like not I can't remember suppression, repression, I can't remember which one's which, but you know, where we just push it all down and we go it it whatever and we move on and we try and but it's like these big things need to be worked through, otherwise we'll we'll have to work through them later, like we probably already have to work through stuff that happened in childhood.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because it's all still in there in our body, in our subconscious, wherever you, you know, there's lots of lots of ways of thinking about it.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, I think it's important when like when we're in the present thinking about relationships and how like how friends may have treated us in the past.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, you know, looking at our patterns and looking at where we were hurt by our parents or our siblings, or you know, and it's like we need to become our own friend, our own witness.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: We need to witness our own pain and suffering, and that can be really hard because for all sorts of reasons.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe because we don't think that pain is legitimate, and that's why a witness is helpful to say, no, this is legitimate suffering and pain, and it's okay to to feel the way you feel.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's what you need today, you that that is legitimate, right?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm giving I'm giving you the legitimacy to what you're feeling, the pain and the suffering.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And and we need space to take space and time for ourselves to grieve how we were treated by others.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: So this whole thing is kind of like anti-gaslighting in a way, ourselves, right?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: To say, nope, like my feelings are legitimate.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I like they really hurt me.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to go through that with my mom, who basically abandoned me a few years ago.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just like, wow, this really, really sucks, you know.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of been part of my journey in on this channel, is moving through that grief.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I think becoming our own friend first, uh, it's been something that I've worked on because that's always been something that's been difficult for me.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been very hard on myself and very, you know, that negative voice inside that has all sorts of things to say.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then, and most of them are not true.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, if you find yourself in this place of being friendless, then maybe look at how how are you being a friend to yourself first.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe, maybe it's a reflection on the outside of how we are not a friend on the inside.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's something that just came to me.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I think there's also ways of connecting.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's important, it's important to not also go, well, no one understands me.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: No one just like fine, no one can like will ever connect with me.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know that that's helpful.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I understand where why we get there, and I know the pain of that.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're there and and you found peace with that, then that's your journey.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: But we are humans, and humans need connection with other humans.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's my belief.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think that's borne out by anthropology, but it's we need connection with others.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to start finding people that are more like us, that that can that can go deeper, that are um, you know, I think of us as icebergs.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: I just love the the, you know, what we show to the world is kind of like on the top of the water.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: But we have this longing to to share parts of ourselves that are underneath the water.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: We long to be to have to share some of that with another.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that is um, like I don't think that that's asking too much.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: And there are people that want to know others in that way, you know.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think most of us don't like shallow conversation.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's like we want to go deeper.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I think what La Light Bears Library is is a space in differing ways to do that.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, in the comments, share your story, read the stories.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's been just a wonderful, wonderful place to feel not so alone, even for me.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I specifically talk to highly sensitive men here, but it's like that makes me feel not so alone, not having friends, you know.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: But then I think um I would like to invite you to.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we did our first Light Bears Library live this weekend, and it went really well.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was so wonderful.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And there was just, it was just a place to be together and have some laughs and talk about, you know, cats and dogs, um, you know, but talk about deeper things, talk like just be with one another and in a in a in a somewhat light-hearted, more light-hearted way.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: So connecting with other highly sensitive men.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd like to do that weekly.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see how that goes.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: But um, so I'm thinking we'll do that Sundays at um 3 p.m.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Eastern.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's about half an hour earlier than I did the last one.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I think we'll we'll do that.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: That gives that allows Europeans and people in the UK to attend as well.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's a bit later, but um, and then come to a men's group, come to a library men's group.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there are two this week, uh, one this Wednesday tomorrow and one on Friday from 8 to 9:30 Eastern.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And those are places to start to go under the water, to be with other highly sensitive men who understand what it's like to have some pieces of what your experience is.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: And many of the men have have expressed that it just takes the edge off loneliness, that a bit of their loneliness goes out the window when they come.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just it's just a place to start start practicing sharing some of your some of what's going on for you, or whatever, to just feel like, oh, I'm not, I'm not so alone in these things.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: And somebody does understand and to be witnessed.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's it's a space to be witnessed.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then if you'd like to go deeper, there's um the men's sanctuary is going again.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: So this will be our second men's sanctuary.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: It runs for four weeks in a row with the same group of men, so that we can we we go on a journey together, and it's kind of an intuitive, uh, an intuitive journey that we we build together as we go.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: This last this last month we went we went through kind of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, talking about what it is that we need as humans, you know, and it's been it's been a wonderful journey about learning about ourselves and each man is is sharing where he's at and how you know it's it's been a really um nourishing, nourishing journey.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: So um, if you're looking for sort of a bit of a deeper connection, then the men's sanctuaries for you.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that starts September 1st and it's at the same time the um 8 to 9:30 Eastern.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: So you are warmly welcome to attend all of those to feel like you are not so alone and that there are ways of connecting with people who will understand parts of what you're going through.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, thank you so much for being here.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear from you in the comments about anything that this journal entry has has sparked for you, you know, what you're what has happened previously in your life, you know, why you find yourself currently in the place you find yourself, or what you might see as a as a future for yourself.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, maybe you're already on this journey of of uncovering parts of yourself and becoming a friend to yourself.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd love to hear where you're at on this on this journey.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, you are not alone, and you are most welcome here in the Light Bears Library.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wishing you so many blessings, signing off for today, XOXO Kate.