Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Baby Shower Benny

Transcript

The Fifth Hour: Baby Shower Benny · The Ben Maller Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kaboom boom.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with me Ben
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: Mahler and a Happy Fourth of July.
• 0:40
  Speaker 4: That's right, the fourth of July and a fresh podcast.
• 0:45
  Speaker 4: It is the one hundred and eighty fifth day of
• 0:48
  Speaker 4: the year, and that means that we are smack dab
• 0:53
  Speaker 4: right in the midst of all the madness of the
• 0:57
  Speaker 4: summer in the city. So happy fourth July. It is
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: a holiday built around doing nothing. So we looked at
• 1:05
  Speaker 4: that and said, I think I'll create more work for myself.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Now.
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: That is a special kind of sickness that we happen
• 1:12
  Speaker 4: to possess here. Competing with fireworks the bend. I know
• 1:17
  Speaker 4: this podcast comes out early here on a Saturday, but
• 1:20
  Speaker 4: we are competing with fireworks. You know what loses to
• 1:24
  Speaker 4: fireworks one hundred percent of the time.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 1:29
  Speaker 4: A podcast every single time will lose to fireworks. Everybody
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: else is watching the sky today and we were watching
• 1:38
  Speaker 4: download numbers.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: That is what we're at.
• 1:41
  Speaker 4: That's the neurosis that we have here on the fifth hour. Now,
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: the Declaration of Independence said life, liberty and the pursuit
• 1:49
  Speaker 4: of happiness. We chose life, liberty and the pursuit of
• 1:53
  Speaker 4: fresh content, so that would be today. This is fresh
• 1:57
  Speaker 4: content in the audio Dojo, So America's high Holy day
• 2:04
  Speaker 4: of backyard grilling, hamburgers, hot dogs, that disgusting potato salad
• 2:09
  Speaker 4: you people like that has been sitting in the sun
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: for just a little bit too long.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Mentioned the fireworks.
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: That are illegal, but you still shoot him off and
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: your neighbor says, no, now.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: These are legit. These are illegal.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: And of course this is the biggest day of the
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: year for Joey Chestnut, who has been on this podcast
• 2:29
  Speaker 4: multiple times. We did not even bother to pursue Joey
• 2:33
  Speaker 4: Chestnut this year. We've had him on a couple of times.
• 2:37
  Speaker 4: Last time we had Joey on, he was not in
• 2:39
  Speaker 4: a very good mood, so we'll leave it at that.
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: Joey chestnut going as we are doing this podcast for
• 2:46
  Speaker 4: yet another coveted yellow mustard belt. The king of competition,
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: the connoisseur of gluttony, will be at it today in Brooklyn.
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: So God bless this ridiculous country. And now let me
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: tell you about another endurance event which does not involve
• 3:08
  Speaker 4: all you can eat hot dogs in ten minutes, which
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: is really what the founding fathers were going for. Instead
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: of that, the endurance event would be a baby shower.
• 3:19
  Speaker 4: That's right, a baby shower is what do you tell you?
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Why you butt you a baby shower? What is that
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: all about? I don't understand.
• 3:29
  Speaker 4: Yeah, let me let me explain, all right. So, as
• 3:33
  Speaker 4: you know, this is the Saturday podcast. Even on the
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: fourth of July, the Saturday pod all about the life
• 3:41
  Speaker 4: of Malar. We told the tale about Wolfman Wolfman Jack
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: Radio Legend on the Friday podcast. Well, today being the
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: Saturday podcast, we must embrace the life of Malor. And
• 3:54
  Speaker 4: my wife announced recently, not asked, announced that he had
• 4:00
  Speaker 4: been invited to a baby shower for a bouncing baby
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: boy that has yet to enter this mortal coil. Now,
• 4:08
  Speaker 4: notice that I said we if you're married, you know
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: what I'm talking about married people.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Know what we means. It means you. I said a
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: baby shower. She said it'll be fun.
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: Those three words have caused more unnecessary suffering than any
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: sentence in the English language.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: It'll be fun.
• 4:32
  Speaker 4: That's right up there with trust me, and this won't
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: hurt at all. This won't hurt at all. And I
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: love trust me. Of course, I used to live in
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: this place called Glendale, or I lived. I went to
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: the gym Englynd. I didn't live in actual Glendale in LA.
• 4:48
  Speaker 4: And you'd go to the gym. I went to the
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: twenty four hour fitness in Glendale and you'd be in
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: the weight room and it was a lot of trust me, brawl,
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: trust me bral that kind of thing to anyway, back
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: to the story. So one question, just one question, and
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: I knew that I could negotiate because my wife knows
• 5:05
  Speaker 4: I do not want to go to a baby shower.
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: I have no interest in going to a baby shower.
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: Why would I want to go to a baby shower?
• 5:11
  Speaker 4: So I'm like, okay, I'm going to get a good
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: meal out of this. So it was a negotiations, like, well,
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: she's going to drag me to this thing, whether I
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: want to go or not. So I'm going to get
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: a good, solid meal. So I asked her, I said,
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: where are we eaten afterwards? Because priorities matter. Priorities matter.
• 5:28
  Speaker 4: And she looked at me with genuine confusion, and she
• 5:32
  Speaker 4: said three words were eating there, period, stop there at
• 5:37
  Speaker 4: a baby shower.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: What are you talking about?
• 5:40
  Speaker 4: My stomach immediately began writing its last will and testament.
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: You think I'm going to eat one of my weekend meals,
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: which is when I go for it a little bit,
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: I'm gonna eat it at a baby shower. And I'm
• 5:53
  Speaker 4: picturing those tiny cucumber sandwiches that make you puke in
• 5:57
  Speaker 4: your mouth the size of postage stand. And that's big enough,
• 6:01
  Speaker 4: because who the hell wants to eat a large cucumber sandwich?
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: The old fruit tray.
• 6:05
  Speaker 4: That's been sitting out in the sun and is disgusting,
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: the pasta salad that has somehow become lukewarm and is
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: just emotionally unavailable, that whole thing. How about a bowl
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: of mixed nuts where everyone has reached into that bowl
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: without washing their hands, and the only nuts left are
• 6:28
  Speaker 4: the disgusting nuts.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: That nobody wants to eat. So this was not promising.
• 6:33
  Speaker 4: This was not promising, So off we drove to San
• 6:36
  Speaker 4: Dimas often mispronounced San Dimus. But it's San Dimas, our
• 6:43
  Speaker 4: old stopping grounds. Now I'd lived out in that are
• 6:46
  Speaker 4: I didn't live in San Dimas, but I lived out
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: in the San Gabriel Valley for a number of.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Years, very familiar with the area.
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: The costco I used to go to mainly was in
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: San Dimas. That was my go to costco for years.
• 6:58
  Speaker 4: A town who's great is claim to fame? If you
• 7:02
  Speaker 4: have never heard of San Dimas, it means you're young.
• 7:05
  Speaker 4: If you're a certain age older, you chances are have
• 7:08
  Speaker 4: heard of San Dimas, but not in a good way.
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: The greatest claim to fame is that two of the
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: least qualified students in cinematic history somehow saved civilization in
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: a film that has become a cult classic, Bill and
• 7:25
  Speaker 4: Ted's Excellent Adventure. Keanu Reeves, a young Keanu Reeves would
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: go on to make a few movies that were popular,
• 7:32
  Speaker 4: some of the name Alex Winter and the Great Late
• 7:35
  Speaker 4: George Carlin. And if you never saw that movie, I
• 7:38
  Speaker 4: recommend watching it at least once in your life. Carlin
• 7:41
  Speaker 4: played Rufus, a time traveler who journeyed back in a
• 7:46
  Speaker 4: phone booth. In a phone booth is nineteen eighty nine.
• 7:49
  Speaker 4: They had things called phone booth. They made the movie
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: in nineteen eighty eight. Phone booth be because apparently the
• 7:56
  Speaker 4: future of mankind depended on Bill and Ted's passing history.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: So think about that. No pressure pressure.
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: If they fail sophomore history, human civilization.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: As we know it collapses.
• 8:11
  Speaker 4: So I've seen enough social media to believe the premise
• 8:15
  Speaker 4: more today than I did way back in nineteen eighty nine.
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: That movie, by the way, not filmed in San Dimas.
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: It was mostly filmed, as I recall, in Arizona. All right,
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: now we pull up to the event. The first thing
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: I noticed is not the decorations. It was not the
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: many balloons and all that signs and all that stuff
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: that was at this thing. It wasn't the diaper cake,
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: which they may or may not have had. And so
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: I noticed.
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  Speaker 1: The husbands.
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: That's right, I noticed the husbands. They were scattered throughout
• 8:56
  Speaker 4: the front of the home. The baby's was in the driveway,
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: the garage, and inside the house. So everyone was scattered
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: throughout and it was kind of like the the dads
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: as I imagine I didn't have, I didn't raise a daughter,
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: but I imagine dads waiting outside a dance recital had a
• 9:17
  Speaker 4: similar vibe to this.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Nobody was really saying much.
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: There were a few grunts, a few grumbles, and nobody
• 9:26
  Speaker 4: really wanted to make eye contact. Every man had assumed
• 9:31
  Speaker 4: the same posture, hands in pocket, slight nod, no real expression,
• 9:39
  Speaker 4: no real expression. And I've come to believe over the
• 9:43
  Speaker 4: years that this is the universal look of someone who's
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: accepted their fate. And that's just the way it is.
• 9:49
  Speaker 4: You got to be here, so that's it. You don't
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: have to enjoy it, but you got to be here. Yeah,
• 9:54
  Speaker 4: there were a few of the dudes that were watching
• 9:58
  Speaker 4: the World Cup their phones, not secretly, openly, and there
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: was one guy yelling cornerkick, you know. Three other guys
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: looked up, kind of nodded, and then everyone returned to
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: pretending like they were not at a baby shower. It's
• 10:17
  Speaker 4: really a support group without introductions. There's a bond. There's
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: a common bond, not James bond, a common bond, and
• 10:27
  Speaker 4: I respected it. And then everything changed. We had a
• 10:32
  Speaker 4: major plot twist. I caught a scent. I smelled my
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: schnaz smoke. It was getting smoky, not wildfire smoke, not
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: charcoal smoke, professional smoke, championship level smoke. There was a
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: smoke that said I belong. There was a level of
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: confidence in that smoke. And this smoke said relax, kid,
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: We've got this. And I followed it like a bloodhound.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: And there it was a.
• 11:08
  Speaker 4: Truck, not a semi truck, not a pickup truck. Somewhere
• 11:14
  Speaker 4: in between. It said tk berger on the side, Yum
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: yum to my tomb, Tum yum yum. Ladies and gentlemen,
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: boys and girls of all theyes, hallelujah, hellllelujah, hellelujah.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: Here we go to Aerona mal cube a choir.
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: The if angels descend from Heaven, I assume they smell
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: exactly like onion sizzling on a flat top grill. The
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: truck wasn't just cooking. It was performing emotional therapy for
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: every man, woman and child that happened to be in attendance.
• 11:50
  Speaker 4: Every burger flipped in the air, everywhere was another ounce of.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: Anxiety melting away. Bye bye, bye bye.
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: I actually think the truck winked at me and you said, well,
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: that's impossible. It's an atom and object without human interaction.
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: It does not do anything. I swear the grill not
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: only winked at me, it whispered You've had a rough afternoon.
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: And then I kind of whispered back, you have no idea.
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: I'm at a baby shower.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: Do you understand?
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: I am at a freaking baby shower. Now, suddenly, this
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: was not a baby shower. This was a burger festival
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: with an infant themed subplot. Perspective changing quickly.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Now the menu, men, you included.
• 12:43
  Speaker 4: Cheeseburgers, hamburgers, grilled chicken not for me, fresh cut fries.
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: A condiment station that stretched for what felt.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: Like at least one, two or three zip codes.
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: And then I smiled. I spotted it was in the
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: corner of my peripheral vision.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Off to the side. I spotted a snack table. That's right.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: And this included things like crackerjacks.
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: That's right, crackerjacks, yeah, a caramel covered popcorn with the
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: little nuts in there, the ruffles. They had a nacho bar, peanuts, cupcakes,
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: chocolate covered pretzels. Whoever organized this understands me, understands America.
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: And I wanted to shake their hand. I wanted to
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: thank them. I actually wanted to hug them. But hugging's
• 13:39
  Speaker 4: kind of odd it. I guess my wife knew these people.
• 13:42
  Speaker 4: I didn't know them that well. Generally, if you don't
• 13:45
  Speaker 4: know them that well, hugging is frowned upon. So food
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: game changer, game changer, right crossing the rubicon. Nobody complains
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: while holding a freshly cooked cheeseburger. It is impossible to
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: be in a bad mood when someone has just made
• 14:03
  Speaker 4: you a delicious cheeseburger. Nobody's arguing over fries. You don't
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: argue over fries. Nobody says, you know what this party needs?
• 14:13
  Speaker 4: Less meat? Impossible, impossible. The burger, I got to tell
• 14:18
  Speaker 4: you outstanding.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: I'm not sure if it was really a great burger
• 14:22
  Speaker 4: or it was just the surprise that I was like, whoa,
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: this is crazy.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: It's like the.
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: The old the reality show. You're like, I can't believe it.
• 14:34
  Speaker 4: This is amazing. And the fries were pretty good, crispy, golden,
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: some would say perfect. And they pretty much said, hey,
• 14:44
  Speaker 4: let me introduce myself. And I said hello, you know,
• 14:47
  Speaker 4: and they said hello, Ben, We've been expecting you, and
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: now it wasn't a perfect event.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: And be very clear, it was not a perfect event.
• 14:57
  Speaker 4: Because I did have to socialize, and this remains the
• 15:02
  Speaker 4: weak link in my repertoire. Now I remind you on
• 15:08
  Speaker 4: a regular basis on this podcast that many assume the
• 15:12
  Speaker 4: position because I have gone into the ancient art of
• 15:16
  Speaker 4: gas baggery, that I get paid to do a live
• 15:21
  Speaker 4: radio show which is rebroadcast as a podcast, and my
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: main employer is iHeartMedia, that I must enjoy talking. This
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: could not be further from the truth. This is absolutely incorrect.
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: So again a public service announcement. Talking into a hot microphone.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: In the middle of the night, in the middle of
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: the night is nothing.
• 15:47
  Speaker 4: Like making small talk with a bunch of strangers, besides
• 15:51
  Speaker 4: a gift table filled with tiny onesies and other baby things.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: And all that. Now on the radio, I am in control.
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: I know what I'm going to talk about plausibly, when
• 16:04
  Speaker 4: I'm going to talk about the thing that I want
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: to talk about to my imaginary friend.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: Now, some of you are not.
• 16:13
  Speaker 4: Imaginary, like Hollering James and Jed hu Fled and Alf
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: and Ferdog and Malard, prop.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Guy and mister nice Guy adjusted It and Robbie and
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: all these guys.
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: So I know some of you, but the vast majority
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: it's broadcasting, not norrow casting.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: I don't know you.
• 16:28
  Speaker 4: I imagine I kind of do at the party. Anyone
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: and everyone could come up to me and say, hey,
• 16:35
  Speaker 4: how you doing. It's always the introduction my wife, here's
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: my husband, and then they know what I do, and
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: it's chaos, complete anarchy. However, I managed, I nodded, I smiled.
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: I'm told you're supposed to do those things. I answered
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: questions about the Dodgers, the NFL, Who's going to win
• 16:57
  Speaker 4: the Super Bowl?
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: I love that question.
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: Ever gotten that asked that question enough in my life,
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: except every time I go out to a social event.
• 17:05
  Speaker 4: Who do you think's gonna win the Super Bowl? NBA
• 17:08
  Speaker 4: free agency? Some of you were upset that I did
• 17:11
  Speaker 4: not discuss NBA free agency on yesterday's podcast. I try
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: to try to keep that sporty stuff to the radio show.
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: Every once in a while we'll do a sporty podcast.
• 17:21
  Speaker 4: I generally try to avoid it. Generally try to avoid
• 17:24
  Speaker 4: it now. I asked a couple of polite questions in return,
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: and then, like a migrating salmon, I just it was
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: just inside my body. I found my way back towards
• 17:38
  Speaker 4: that burger truck. It became my safe space. Now some
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: people have therapy dogs. I do have a dog, Mooxye.
• 17:47
  Speaker 4: Not my therapy dog, just a dog that'll lay everywhere.
• 17:50
  Speaker 4: I had therapy cheeseburgers. My wife looked over.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: She knew. The wife could tell I had become functional again.
• 18:00
  Speaker 4: Feed me and I become a much better version of myself.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: It's not really personal growth. It's called lunch.
• 18:10
  Speaker 4: The older I get, and I feel like I'm getting
• 18:13
  Speaker 4: older a lot lately. The more I judge events by
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: one simple standard. I don't really care about the decorations.
• 18:20
  Speaker 4: I'm not one for speeches. I don't care about the
• 18:24
  Speaker 4: guest list. Your little celebrity stuff.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: Doesn't do anything for me.
• 18:26
  Speaker 4: Like everyone's all excited because yesterday was Taylor Swift and
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: Travis Kelsey's big celebrity wedding at Madison Square. Gardener Adam
• 18:34
  Speaker 4: Sandler was the person supposedly did the wedding, and all.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: That doesn't do anything for me. I've seen a number
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: of these people of the years. They're just like us.
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: They live, they live a little bit better than you
• 18:47
  Speaker 4: and I, and then they die and then that's it.
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: Don't really care about that.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: It's the food. Everything else is negotiable. Everything. You can survive.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Awkward conversations not.
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: Easy, not easy, but you can survive. You can survive
• 19:03
  Speaker 4: some dumb party games. You can survive making small talk
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: with someone whose name you've already forgotten twice and you
• 19:10
  Speaker 4: don't feel like asking a third time. However, if there's
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: a great burger, delicious burger, marvelous burger waiting outside, now,
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: now you've got my attention. So yes, I did go
• 19:27
  Speaker 4: to the baby shower against I really didn't have an option.
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: My instinct would say not to go against my better judgment,
• 19:34
  Speaker 4: against nearly every fiber of my introverted being. And somehow,
• 19:39
  Speaker 4: some way, thanks to a random Burger truck that was
• 19:43
  Speaker 4: parked in a suburban I'm in front of a suburban
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: driveway in San Demis, I actually had an excellent adventure.
• 19:51
  Speaker 4: It wasn't Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. It was what
• 19:53
  Speaker 4: was kind of Bill. It was Ben and Bill Miller
• 19:56
  Speaker 4: and the excellent adventure. I mean, while it is the
• 20:00
  Speaker 4: fourth of July or the biggest day of the year
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: in Major League meeting with Joey Chestnutt and all that.
• 20:07
  Speaker 4: And I saw a story the other day about America
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: and the lack of knowledge that the average American has
• 20:17
  Speaker 4: regarding the fourth of July and Independence Day and what
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: it's all about and all that.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: So there's a bunch of this.
• 20:25
  Speaker 4: We're gon we're gonna frame this as in honor of
• 20:29
  Speaker 4: alf the Alien of Pinter and Fergog. Fun facts, fun
• 20:32
  Speaker 4: facts about the fourth of July. The one that I
• 20:37
  Speaker 4: have known for years, and I've brought it up every
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: so often, is that the.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: Fourth of July is an arbitrary date.
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: American independence was declared on the fourth of July.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: That's the myth.
• 20:52
  Speaker 4: Congress voted for independence on July second, not July fourth.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: July second, seventeen seventy.
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: Sixth July fourth is when they adopted the final wording
• 21:05
  Speaker 4: of the declaration of Independence. But July second is when
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: Congress said, Okay, we're in on this. The first public
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: celebrations happened later. You understand, in seventeen seventy six, there
• 21:16
  Speaker 4: was no internet, as far as I know it, There
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: were no TV stations, there were no radio stations in
• 21:22
  Speaker 4: seventeen seventy six, and so people got their information slowly
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: and as a result, the first public celebrations happened on
• 21:31
  Speaker 4: July eighth and Philadelphia July ninth. In Washington, George Washington's army.
• 21:37
  Speaker 4: July ninth is when they celebrated.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: So wasn't the fourth or lies July.
• 21:42
  Speaker 4: They just picked the fourth of July because that's when
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: everything got adopted, the final wording. But it actually began
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: the process or process began on July second, and the
• 21:52
  Speaker 4: celebrations started July eighth and July ninth. Now there's also
• 21:57
  Speaker 4: a myth that the Declaration of Independence was signed and.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: Only on July fourth it was adopted.
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: As we said, on July fourth, it was printed, because
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: remember they didn't have printers around the clock. On July fifth,
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: most of the signings happened, though. This is this is
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: where it gets even crizzy. August second, John Hancock, a
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: man whose name would come synonymous, would become synonymous.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: For the wrong reasons.
• 22:24
  Speaker 4: He was the first one to sign an August second
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: of seventeen seventy six. There was no grand signing ceremony
• 22:31
  Speaker 4: on July fourth. That is bullshoy. That is bullshoy. There's
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: also a myth that George Washington signed the declaration the reality. Washington,
• 22:44
  Speaker 4: George Washington, the first president of the United States, did
• 22:48
  Speaker 4: not sign it.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: Washington, by the way, has.
• 22:51
  Speaker 4: A terrible record in combat, not a winning record, sub
• 22:57
  Speaker 4: five hundred record. Anyway, George Washington did not sign the
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: Declaration of Independence. Washington didn't he was busy. He was
• 23:05
  Speaker 4: working his day job commanding the Continental Army. And other
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: prominent founders who did not sign include Alexander Hamilton, James Madison,
• 23:17
  Speaker 4: and John Jay who opposed independence at the time, and
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: all those prominent founding fathers. They did not sign the
• 23:29
  Speaker 4: Declaration of Independence. Another popular story that has been passed
• 23:34
  Speaker 4: on over the years is that the liberty bell rang
• 23:37
  Speaker 4: the celebrate Independence on July fourth.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: No, it did. Now I've been to Philadelphia.
• 23:42
  Speaker 4: I've seen the liberty bell behind glass there in Philadelphia
• 23:46
  Speaker 4: and the gift shop with eighty five thousand different liberty
• 23:49
  Speaker 4: bell souvenirs.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: There is no evidence, none, that.
• 23:54
  Speaker 4: The liberty bell rang on either July fourth or July eighth,
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: seventeen seventy six. The story first appeared in eighteen forty seven,
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: so you can do the math on that. That's about
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: seventy years after the official independence day. It did ring
• 24:14
  Speaker 4: for other events like the Stamp Act. Let's ring the
• 24:17
  Speaker 4: liberty bell. Okay, that seems like a good idea. Why not,
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: let's do it. Okay, we'll ring it for the Stamp Act.
• 24:27
  Speaker 4: Another tale that has been passed on over time is
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: that the Declaration contains secret, hidden messages.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: You know, certain songs.
• 24:37
  Speaker 4: They'll claim, well, there's a subliminal message, and there are
• 24:41
  Speaker 4: some that I've heard in old Beatles songs or whatever
• 24:44
  Speaker 4: back in the day. There are the deep state conspiracy
• 24:49
  Speaker 4: crowd that believe the Declaration contains secret messages. That This
• 24:54
  Speaker 4: was popularized by the movie National Treasure.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: Did you ever see that movie? You didn't? Okay, Yeah,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: it was fine, And it's not like you have to
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: watch it.
• 25:04
  Speaker 4: The only writing on the back is a simple label
• 25:08
  Speaker 4: Original Declaration of Independence, stated fourth July seventeen seventy six.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: There are no hidden codes in there. None.
• 25:18
  Speaker 4: How about the myth that all Americans wanted independence?
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: That is not true.
• 25:23
  Speaker 4: Just like today, you can't get anyone to agree on
• 25:26
  Speaker 4: anything at all.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: It's one of the great things about America today.
• 25:30
  Speaker 4: Less it's not like you if the Republicans say the
• 25:34
  Speaker 4: sky is blue, the Democrats will say, no, it's purple.
• 25:38
  Speaker 4: And if the Democrats say the sky is gray, the Republicans.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: Will say, no, it's not.
• 25:46
  Speaker 4: It's kind of a light vanilla. And that's it. Now,
• 25:51
  Speaker 4: it's only gotten worse, at least in theory, because of
• 25:54
  Speaker 4: the matrix. Over time, things have gotten a little bit worse. However,
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: it is estimated that roughly fifteen to twenty percent in
• 26:03
  Speaker 4: seventeen seventy six were loyalists who supported Britain.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Many others were neutral.
• 26:10
  Speaker 4: About fifty thousand Americans fought in loyalist units, so you
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: had about twenty percent. A two hundred hitter in baseball,
• 26:21
  Speaker 4: the Mendoza Liigne who were loyalists to their native country.
• 26:25
  Speaker 4: They came over from Britain and they were loyal to Britain.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: So there's that.
• 26:29
  Speaker 4: Even the myth that the Native Americans supported the British,
• 26:34
  Speaker 4: that's not true.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: Most they've gone back and looked at that.
• 26:37
  Speaker 4: Most of the tribes either sided with the British or
• 26:41
  Speaker 4: they stayed neutral. Some fought alongside the colonists, and that
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: was complicated. Again, it was a small world. It was
• 26:52
  Speaker 4: a big world, but it was a small world. You
• 26:54
  Speaker 4: didn't have the communication, so there were friendships, there were
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: alliances that were formed as you read some of the
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: history of that, and the declaration itself refers to Native
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: Americans as merciless Indian savages, which doesn't seem very nice.
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: That was the time that all that took place, anyway.
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: So those are some of the things about Independence Day,
• 27:19
  Speaker 4: and celebrate today.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: Have a great time. Yeah, you know the drill. You
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: know the drill.
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: We will have the mail bag on tomorrow's podcast, and
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: it's a holiday weekend, so I've reached out to a
• 27:31
  Speaker 4: few people and so far I've gotten I have a
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: family barbecue.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: I am out of town. We're going to go through.
• 27:40
  Speaker 4: The roll the decks and we'll see how that goes.
• 27:43
  Speaker 4: I think we're going to end up with who we
• 27:45
  Speaker 4: normally end up with on the mailbag, but you never know,
• 27:48
  Speaker 4: you never know.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: We'll see how this goes.
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: On that note, though, I have a great fourth I'll
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: be checking out Joey Chestnut doing his magic from Coney
• 27:58
  Speaker 4: Island with hopefully the weather there'll be good and all that,
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: and I'll send Marcel and Brooklyn out there as our
• 28:04
  Speaker 4: roving reporter. Of course, Marcel, when when I say hey, Marcel,
• 28:07
  Speaker 4: go out and cover the hot Dog contest. Yes I will, Ben,
• 28:11
  Speaker 4: I'll do it from my sofa in Brooklyn watching on TV.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: That is going to be my plan.
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: I'm sure he'll go wawie kauz awi and all that. Anyway,
• 28:21
  Speaker 4: have a say fourth or July. Thank you for listening
• 28:24
  Speaker 4: to this even on a holiday, and we will be
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: keeping an eye on all of the download numbers because
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: next year the fourth of July starts the festivities on
• 28:34
  Speaker 4: the on a Sunday, and it's one day ahead, so
• 28:37
  Speaker 4: next year we'll be on a Sunday. Today obviously Saturday.
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: We'll have the mail bag tomorrow. If you'd like to
• 28:42
  Speaker 4: send a question into the mail bag, send it Real
• 28:44
  Speaker 4: fifth Hour at gmail dot com. Real fifth Hour at
• 28:49
  Speaker 4: gmail dot com. Have a wonderful rest your Saturday and
• 28:55
  Speaker 4: we will chat with you tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day a.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Four gas baggery.
• 29:03
  Speaker 4: Uh oh wait, it was Dick and Dayton would say
• 29:05
  Speaker 4: bye bye, bye bye