Latest / Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler / Hot Parenting Tips with Sean Hayes

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Hot Parenting Tips with Sean Hayes · Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Death of Me a production of I Heart Radio. There
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: are many things dogs can do to make you feel
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: like a better human being, like run toward you. For
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: the record, I'm not one of those people who cares
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: more about animals than I do about humans, but I
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: am someone who knows that loving a dog makes you
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: a kinder and fuller person. I don't have such luck
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: with babies, and the feeling is fucking mutual. Fucking fuck babies.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: So when I realized dogs were receptive to me, I
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: returned the favor. My obsession with chow chow mixes came
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: alive only when I rescued Chunk and was told he
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: was a chow mix. After six years, I decided it
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: was time for Chunk to have a sibling. And if
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Chunk was my first born, and then Tammy was the
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: step daughter that I loved almost more than my own blood.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Tammy was a tramp, and that's what I respected about
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: her the most. First of all, she had was a
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: child mix, and she had the purple tongue to prove it. Second,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: everything about her Squeam Guadalajara. She looked like she had
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: survived more than one street fight, and possibly one with
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: an animal that wasn't even a dog. She had one
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: dead ear alopecia on her ass, a very scantily clad tail,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: and a gate that hinted she had withstood hip replacement surgery.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Tammy was essentially a builder bear, and I knew that
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: was some maternal attention from my cleaning ladies and some
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: serious nutrition also from the cleaning ladies. I could turn
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: that gate into a fucking swagger. She was exactly the
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: type of dog who could pull off an ear piercing
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: We rescued Tammy from a facility in Long Beach, where,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: for the record, my cousin Molly said the following, you
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: can't get that dog. She's the ugliest one here. I
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: didn't think she was ugly. I thought she gave new
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: meaning to the term underdog. There was nothing ugly about her. Scrappy, maybe,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: like she could have been carrying a pocket knife. But
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: she needed me, and whatever her name would turn out
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: to be, Tammy, I needed her right back. Even though Molly,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: my cousin, is twelve years younger than I am, she's
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: smarter and more capable than I'll ever be. But in
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: this particular instance, I knew I had the ability to
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: see what would be overlooked by most everybody else. That's
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: the great thing about Molly. She knows I'm right about
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: the things that get me in the gut. If I
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: want to give a stranger ten thous dollars and she
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: thinks they're going to spend it on crack, just because
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: I met that person in a correcton, I will defer
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: to Molly. She'll say something along the lines of let's
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: sleep on that, and if you still feel that way
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: in the morning, then we'll do it and you'll have
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: my full support. That means no, But in this instance,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Molly knew I meant business. I was rescuing Tammy and
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: was going to give her what she needed, some real
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: life pampering, someone to show her she was special. After all.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: When I get dogs, they aren't just rescued by me.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: They're getting the love and attention of my cleaning ladies,
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: my assistance, my dog walker, and everyone else who either
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: works at my house or meanders through it on a
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: regular basis. Older dogs are special because they have had
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: more rejection, their hope is gone, and even though no
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: one seems to know exactly how old. Any fucking rescue
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: dog is. When you would adopt an older dog, you
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: were cramming their last years with love and giving them
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: the security that comes with knowing that they have a home.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: I've always believed you can erase bad memories with twice
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: as many good ones. Maybe a racism the right word.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Maybe dim is a better word. After the people at
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: the rescue center cleaned up Tammy, the two women handling
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: her adoption told me that she could be a really
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: beat up four year old, or she could be twelve yea,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: and then I should ask my vet for clarification when
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: she had her first check up. When the rescue presented
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Tammy dusk, they had placed a little pink bow in
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: each ear, the full bodied ear and the limp one.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: She looked like a harlot. Once we got her in
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: the car on her way home, we removed those embarrassing
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: gender labels from her ears and got down to business.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: I looked at Molly, I said, I feel like we
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: have two names to choose from, Bernice or Tammy. I'm
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: always like or Destiny. Destiny is totally underused. The first
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: night I had Tammy home, I had some people over
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: for dinner. I picked her up and I put her
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: in my lap facing me, leaving both of her curiously
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: stiff front paws positioned around each of my hips like Shakira.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: My best friend Mary craned her head over the at
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: her table, amazed and said, is she hugging you right now?
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: I've never seen her dog do that? Chelsea's making her
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: Molly told Mary, I wasn't making Tammy do anything. I
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: was showing her the seating options available to her, and
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: one option was on my lap, face forward. Chunk, my
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: older dog would never sit on my lap. Hey, he
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: was just too big and be he valued his personal space.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I had finally found a dog who did it. Dammy's
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: teeth looked like she was from London, so when Tanner,
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: an assistant of mine, took her to her first bet
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: appointment for a once over, the nurse called and told
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: me she may need to have all of her teeth removed.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I said, why would that be necessary? All of her
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: teeth you have to take out and she goes well
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: because they could all be infected. I said, isn't there
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: a way to tell which one to are infected and
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: which ones aren't before you fucking take them all how
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: will she eat with no teeth? And then she said, well,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: we won't take out any of the teeth that aren't infected.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I was like, am I talking to a real life
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: animal on the phone? What are you saying? Fucking vets?
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: I mean, I know you mean well, but I need
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: a straight fucking answer. I was confused by this exchange.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: I said, I don't want any teeth that aren't infected
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: to be removed. Are we clear? Otherwise I'll just take
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: her to my own dentist on Monday. Poor Tammy. I
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: wasn't about to let her move into bell Air with
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: no teeth. Before the dog nurse hung up, I asked
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: if they had been able to decipher Tammy's age from
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: her teeth state of affairs. She could be anywhere from
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: five to twelve. It's hard to say, I said, it
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: is hard to say. I guess. Is it written somewhere
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: in the Journal of sin for Dogs to just say
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: that all rescue dogs are between the ages of four
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: and twelve? How can it be that a swab of
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: saliva can determine a dog's genetic heritage? Yet there isn't
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: a more precise way to determine the age of a
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: dog at this juncture in modern society, it's a real question.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Tammy would allow me to do almost anything to her body,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: and I needed to her to know that she was
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: going to get so tackled with love that her past
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: would become a distant memory, replaced by dogging, massages, acupuncture,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: and baton twirling. She would let out a low rumble growl,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: and I would go in closer, waiting for her to
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: bite my face off. But she never once bit me.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: She bit my sister Shoshanna, and she deserved it. Tammy
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: knew I was her captor, and that was in her
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: best interest to just lean in and accept my devotion.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Once I was done showering her with my Harvey Weinstein
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: affection that's not in the book, that is not in
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: the book, I added that your guys are sick. You're sick,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: ohs all of you. I'm not sucking my dog. Okay.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Once I was done showering her with affection, she'd give
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: me a final look to confirm that I was done
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: molesting her, and then scurry off the bed and down
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: her doggy steps intoto, the doggy bed that she'd usurped
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: from Chunk one. It's comfortably inside her new bed. She
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: let out a groan that implied, thank God, that's over her.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: I couldn't keep my hands off Tammy. I'd put her
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: in a seat belt in my lap on the way
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: to work when I knew she'd be much happier sitting
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: in the backseat like a normal dog, with her limbs
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: free and one of her dead ear out the window.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: I can be an effusive lover, and after our initial
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: trial period together, she just learned to deal with my advances.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: She was just big enough for it to be imprudent
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: to pick her up, but that didn't stop me either.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: She would immediately stiffen up with her eggs outstretched as
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: if she were standing, making her look like a stuffed dog.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: She was like a taxidermist dream chunk was slim, But
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure how to describe Tammy's body. It seemed
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: possible that some of her organs had shifted during one
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: of her bar fights and then solidified. Her bald spots
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: filled out within weeks, and her rat like tail became
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: full bodied. Within her first month at home. She looked
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: like an ad for nutrition. She even started following me
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: on stage during the interview segment of my Netflix show,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: and would sometimes pop herself up on the little table
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: between the guests and me. She didn't give a shit
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: about what anybody thought about her. She just wanted to
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: make sure we were in the same room, nothing more,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: nothing less. She would have been fine if I never
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: pampered or even pet her, But like most rescue dogs,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: if I walked out of the room, she'd follow me.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: If I walked into a bathroom, she would open the
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: door with her nose and stare at me until I
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: was done. Chuck did the same thing, but it was
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: much more needy. He'd open the bathroom door. If we
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: were at work, he'd slide head first under the bathroom
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: stall and then avoid eye contact with me. I'm like,
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: oh my god, so embarrassing for both of us. Where
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Chunk was refined, Tammy was street. She sits out in
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: front of the toilet, face to face, as if to say, bitch,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: you need me more than I need you. I'm just
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: keeping an eye on things. Tammy was more like a
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: security guard. She wasn't quite a spry as Chunk, so
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: I didn't bring her on trips with me because she
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: couldn't hop on and off planes. And helicopters, but she
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: was mentally fit, so there was backlash. That's what led
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: me to get a third dog. I thought another dog
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: would help distract Tammy from the fact that Chunk and
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I were traveling around the world globetrotting. I didn't want
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: her to feel excluded, since she was smart enough to
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: hold a grudge. My friend Kate, who loves animals more
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: than people. You know the person I'm talking about. Everyone
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: has one in their life. That's her. She texted me
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: a picture of a dog that was at a rescue
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: in Westwood with a message that read, this guy needs
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: a home and he's part chow chow. This is what
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: people do when they want me to rescue a dog.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: They lie to me and say he's part chow chow.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: I went down to the rescue in Westwood and I
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: picked up our new dog. The girls working there told
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: me he could be anywhere between four and twelve. I
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: brought our new family member home and decided his name
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: would be John. He was sweet and goofy and was
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: definitely a big puppy. I figured he's probably too. That night,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: in an effort to not overthink assimilating my new brood,
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: I put all three dogs in my bedroom and popped
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: an edible marijuana keeps families together. I was awakened by
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: a low rumble that rose to a roar, and then
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: to something that sounded like there was a werewolf nearby.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: When I flipped lights on, Tammy's midsize, corpulent body had
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: somehow wrapped itself around John's like a contortionist. Thank God
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: for instinct, because I'm scared to think what I would
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: have done had I given it any thought. I screamed no,
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: and then ripped Tammy off of him. Her eyes were
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: red and she looked like she was wearing red lipstick
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: to I tossed her tour in my closet. John was
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: a bigger dog and stronger than I thought, and I
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: couldn't hold him back from barreling toward her. So I
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: dove right in the middle of them, grabbed Tammy, pushed
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: her head first into my closet, and shut the door.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Then I scurried at my feet in my staples sleep
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: where a bra and a thong, and I fended off John.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: It was growling with his nose to the closet. Once
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: I got him outside my room and closed the door,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: I sat down on my bed and thought I was
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: going into cardiac arrest. I was gasping for bread as
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: I tried to open my eyes and figure out what
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: to do next. I was scared of both dogs at
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: that point. I didn't know what they were capable of.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: After seeing Tammy basically shape shift herself into an anaconda.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: When I moved my hand in my chest to try
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: to sell soothe, I realized my bra had been torn
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: open and one of my breasts had been set loose
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: and was bleeding. I was so confused and so high.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I was like what. I looked over at Chunk and
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: he had wrapped himself up in the drapes. I don't
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: want to call Chunk a pussy, and I don't want
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: to call Tammy a cunt, but I'm just throwing those
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: two words out there. I toll. I called Molly and
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I told her I was living with a real life Kujo.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: And even though I knew it was Tammy's fault, I
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: was scared to open the door and check on John.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: John was an odd man outcome. Get John. It was
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: twelve thirty am, and while I waited for the coast
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: to be clear, I texted my assistant Brandon to scan
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: the security cameras in the morning and save whatever footage
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: had just been captured for the next time. My friends
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: and I did mushrooms. John never made the cut because
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: Tammy took him to task. Chunk knew better than to
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: fight over territory he'd conquered long ago. He knew he
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: belonged with me, but he understood there would be random
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: dogs coming in and out of our lives, just the
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: way people did. Tammy was with me for three years
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: and died shortly after the inauguration. She felt the same
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: way I did about Donald Trump. Molly and I were
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: in South Africa at the time, and I got the
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: call while Molly was out getting gifts for her brothers
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: and sisters. She came back to the hotel room where
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: I was sitting in a chair and feeling guilty about
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: traveling so much and not spending more time at home
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: with the dogs. I rescued. You gave her a good life, Chelse,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: Molly said, hugging me. No one else would have ever
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: adopted that dog. And do you know how much shorter
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: her life would have been if you'd been home more.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: After Tammy died, I had some friends over for a
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: small memorial service at my house, where we watched the
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: video footage from my security cameras the night of the attack.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: It was the first time I had seen the crime scene,
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: and Brandon had scored it to the theme song of Rocky.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: In it, you can see Tammy actually airborne after I
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: got her off of John. The four teeth that I
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: had campaigned to keep ended up biting me right in
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: the tip. That's called getting titty fucked. Okay. If I
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: hadn't busted my nut with my topless photo rampage years before,
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: this video would have been released on all of my
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: social media platforms on a loop. Watching the video of
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Tamy alone pacing in my closet like a large brown
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: bear reminded me what a force of nature she was.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: She was an underdog and a badass. She was a fighter,
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: and even though I don't spend much time looking in
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: the rear view mirror, my biggest regret is not ever
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: getting her ears pierced. Thank you. Okay, We're gonna take
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: a quick break and we'll be right back. Okay, I'm
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: gonna bring out a friend of mine who's a very
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: good friend of mine. Actually, I only discovered that minutes ago.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: He's a Chicago native and he you may recognize him
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: for a show he's been on for seventy four years.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: It's called Friends. I'm just kidding. It's called Will and Grace.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: Please welcome Sean. Hey, Hey, guys, how are you? Um?
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: I'm so happy to wait wait wait, you brought this
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: up a couple of times, so I just want to
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: make sure we're all on the same page. Here, would
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: you is? What is the amount of money that you
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: would agree to have sex with another person for? Okay,
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: because I feel like you have a price. Yes, Well,
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: everybody has a number. Everybody hasn't know that I do.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: I don't. I'm not in a like no, no, everybody
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: has a number. But I really believe someone said, hey,
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: here's fifty million dollars. I'm from Saudi Arabia. Can you
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: blow me? I'd be like, I can't. No, you could, Yeah,
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: is the answer. Anybody could. Yeah. So there's this thing
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: called Yeah, there's this thing called bait bus dot com.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: Anybody Okay, what do you mean bait? Like the A
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: I T B A I T bait bus dot com
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: and on it. Um, it's like this, I don't know
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: if it's still up and running. Becau this gay bullshit website,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: and but when on it, it's this bus that drives
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: around and this girl sticks her tits out and they
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: find us drake guy on the street and they're like hey.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: She's like, hey, you want to blow a job? And
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: he's like yeah. So he gets on the bus and
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: he sits there and she's blowing him, and then she's like,
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: can I blindfold you? And he's like yeah, So they
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: blindfold him, and this gay guy comes around and takes
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: her place, right, takes her place and she started and
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: he starts blowing him, and eventually he picks the thing up,
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: and every guy has the same the rat reaction right there,
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: like get the fook off with me? What the is
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: going on? And then after he calmed down and everybody's
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: calmed down, they go, okay, would you would you do
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: it for two bucks? He's like no, I'm not gonna
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: let you blow me for you know, blow me for
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: two bucks? And they're like what about He's like okay, right,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: so everybody has a fucking price. I like the I
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: like the part of that story. Everybody calms down, everybody
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: calls down and then they have an organized conversation. We're
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: giving a blowjob, you blow job from a man. Would
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: you like to move forward with that? Yeah? Yeah, it's
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: the negotiations like a game show. We should do a
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: game show. It's called bait bu um. That's not that
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: doesn't like it's hard to understand what you're saying when
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: you say bait bus because I thought you said date bus,
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: and then I thought you said rape bus. Okay, but
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: here's this. But here's the thing. You're looking at me
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: and I'm saying bait. So why is it so hard
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: to understand? You know what I'm saying? All right, let's
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: ask questions. You know what we should do? Maybe after
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: unless you hate this, I just thought of this. We
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: can take questions from the audience, like Carol Burnett, we
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: don't have it. I would love to, but we don't.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: I don't know if we haven't set up you guys,
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: Can we set up it out and we'll repeat it? Okay? Yeah,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: we can probably do that when we have ten minutes left.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: All we'll do questions and somebody has them. You can
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: get up and fashion not right now, great way to
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: start the show. Show on your fucking asshole. I wanted
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: to have any questions before we get started. Wait, hold
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: on a second, what are your questions so we can
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: direct the way we're gonna behave I mean or like
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: a bone or killer? No, I just for everybody. Let's
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: take a moment of silence, everyone out in a journal,
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: and then we'll read them from the stage at the end. Cheers, God,
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: cheers again. This is wait wait, wait, this is this
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: is what we do at work. Say that again. Well, wait,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: if we're going to do something, let them take their
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: phones out and do a boomerang or a fun picture. Okay, okay, right, wait,
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: let everybody get their phones and then put them away
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: and keep them out for keeping killer. No, I want
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: to listen. Just shut the funk up and follow my lead. Okay, ready, one, two, three? Cheers. Okay.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: Now we'll put our phones away so we can all
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: enjoy ourselves. Okay, So let's talk about the book for
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: a second, and it'll take us off into worlds we
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: never knew existed. Okay, okay, ready, So, because what if
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: we find out by the end of this interview that
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: I'm gay and you're straight. That would be exciting for
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: so many ladies. What do you mean by the end
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: of the interview? Um, no, we're gonna is it? Okay?
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: If I burp? Yes, wait, there we go. I know
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: I'm burping, particula. It's really hard to have a hot
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: dog and then come back. You never had las until
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: in between shows. Yeah, it's awesome. I mean, I don't
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: know how that could be bad. A hot dog with
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: a bunch of ship on it, you know what I mean.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: But it's it's a it's a dog, it's everything. And
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: let me And then I had two pieces of chocolate
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: cake because that daddy's not fat enough. Do you want
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: some chocolate cake? I love some? Okay, So here we go.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: Did I ever tell you my chocolate cake story? Oh?
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: My god? Here okay. So I had a boyfriend who
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: was annoying me and he had diarrhea. We were on
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: vacation for a weekend. Ted Harbert you know him right,
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: you're saying his name, by the way, who used to
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: be my boss? Yeah? Yeah, he used to be my
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: boss too, I bet so imagine doing this to your boss.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: That's what makes a story even better. I never thought
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: about it from that aspect. So he like he was
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: a very needy boyfriend. He I dated him when I
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: was like when I started like, uh my show, I
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: was twenty seven, I started dating him like and I
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: stayed with him until I was thirty two. He was like,
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: you know, he was twenty years older than me, and
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: I was taken. He was like the boss of the company.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: And every time he'd come down the show, I was like, oh,
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: I want to be with him, and then I was yeah,
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I was cute. And then I was with him and
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: I was like, I gotta get out of here. So
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: but not until I deal at e is up. I
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: was like, dad at that sign a cheers, Oh my god,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: Will and Grace and Grace. So we're in Laguna Beach
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: or one of those white places you go for a
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: weekend when you already live in l A and you're
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: on a vacation all the time. Where should I go
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: to him? Beach? You're a beach and so he was like, hey,
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: we were at the pool. We're lying out by the
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: pool and he's like, hey, do I have diarrhea? Let's
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: go upstairs. You're like romantic. I was like, why do
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: I have to go with you for that diarrhea? I
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: don't want to go upstairs. I'm at the pool. You're
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: the one who has diarrhea. Don't include me in this,
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: that's your situation. Why are we were not a couple
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: in everything? And he's like, just come up with me,
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: and I was too tired to argue, and I finally
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: I went up there. So he goes and like fulminates
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: in the bathroom. It's like, you know, and I'm I'm
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: sitting in the bed thinking about how ridiculous it is
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: that a man expects us to just sit around while
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: they shipped themselves in the next room. I was like,
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: this is so disrespectful, Like I might now with no
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: value that I have to listen to this squirt ship
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: over there. So we had it was it was his
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: birthday the night before, and so we had over chocolate
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: cake and he was in the bathroom for so long,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: and you know, I was getting so annoyed and that
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: my imagination got the best of me, and so I
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: took the chocolate cake and I was like, let me
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: just spread some on the sheets and see if he
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: comes out, like if he's confused about you know, because
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: we've gotten up first thing in the morning, we're hungover
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: and went down to the pool. Never you know, came
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: back to the room. I'm like, it's gonna spread this
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: along the sheets and just see. And then I put
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: a little bit on the headboard and a little bit
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: on the wall, like like you guys were having like
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: crazy monkey sex. It's and I was like, and he
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: comes out of the bathroom and I'm just like lying there,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like, are you feeling better? And then I just
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: rolled over casual. I was like, I was like, ted,
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: you should have been and his look like he didn't
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: even think about whether he did or not. He assumed
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: that yes he did. And he's looking at this chocolate
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: cake that I've run in the no look away look
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: away right now, and I was like, oh, no, you didn't.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: You did this. And then I looked up at the
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: wall like liver, and he's rolling up the sheets and
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: he's like, we gotta go, we gotta check out. We're
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: gonna just take the sheets and put him in the draw.
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: And so at some point during this evil charade, I
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: was laughing. I was trying to pretend I was crying
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: because I was laughing so hard. When he started when
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: he believed me, I didn't think there was a chance
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: that he would believe he shot the bed and it
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: looked like chocolate frostering. I mean, what an idiot, and
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: you're you're saying it didn't work out, and so he
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: looks and at one point I was laughing so hard
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: I had to turn away, you know, and I just protesting.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: I'm so sad this happened to you. And he's like
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: what And then he saw me kind of laugh He's like, who, wha, wha,
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: what are you doing. I'm like, nothing, nothing. You didn't
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: you didn't ship the bed. It's not chocolate you should
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: have eaten. At first, you're like, oh my god, you
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: ship Wait a minute, you shipped the beds? Because that's
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: what's what do you do when you don't know the
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: difference between ship or chocolate taste? Very caddyshack. I saw
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: that twice, and I saw Porkies, so don't even get
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: me started. That is the best movie on the planet,
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: Porkies and then Porky's Revenge, So um, let's see. Okay,
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: So in the book, we we figured I was just no,
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: I was just talking to another person. I was going
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: to keep going. I was gonna keep going because of
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: the pressure you put on me to fly out. Here
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: and sit here and ask you questions. So, uh so
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: in the book, you know, Chelsea and I have Well,
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: I discovered after reading the book how fantastic it was
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: that we have many many, many things in common. Were
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: extremely similar in many many ways. We're both the youngest
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: of five kids. We both you know, dysfunctional families. We
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: both suffer from the same Why was your family dysunctional? Like?
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: What was the what was the bane of your just? Well,
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: my father was an alcoholic. He left when I was
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: five years old. My mom raised five kids by herself,
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: and so we kind of parented ourselves and uh we
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: although your dad was wasn't an alcoholic, No he should.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: That would have helped. Yeah, it's like Trump, It's like,
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: I have a fucking drink please, right right, You're like,
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: I took that one over for you. Yeah, my dad.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: I had this like love hate hate relationship with my
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: dad through adolescence and once I came back around to
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: my parents, once I had moved to California and I
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: was able to come back and enjoy them for like actually,
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: like you know, adulthood, I hated them so much growing up.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: I was like, you guys are the worst. Look how
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: you dress your fucking cars? Like they had no organization,
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: They didn't know where I went to school. I was like,
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: what I mean? I registered myself for school when I
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: was in sixth grade. And then I was like, what
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: I do that? I totally did that. By the way,
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: I shipped myself in school. Yeah, I keep going, I said,
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: I read just stirred myself from school for school. So
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: that's a different story. Okay, Well to me, it's the same.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: Keep going. It's fascinating. But I like that. You heard
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: I ship myself. By the way, when you talk, that's
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: all I hear. Okay, keep going. I don't know what
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: I was even saying. You registered your dad was you know, yeah,
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: I know what I was talking about. So I'll go
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: back to my so my mom. Okay, so my mom
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: raised five kids by herself, and when she was two
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: years old, she had cancer, thank you, and she um.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: So when she was two years old, they had to
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: remove my mom's eye, right, and as she grew up
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: and she you know, she grows, she had to have
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: multiple surgeries on her eye. Anyway, So then when she
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: got older and she had five kids, and we never
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: ever talked about it because of her Irish Catholic. Right,
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: you don't talk about any problems, y'all like cover it
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: with laughter, and we're happy. And we can't even pay
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: our rents, right and so, and the heats turned off
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: in the winter in Chicago, and we're like, this is
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: so and so. So she had an extra eye because
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: she had a glass eye, like Sandy Duncan. She had
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: an extra sent right, she had an extra eye up
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: in her drawer, up in her back in her bedroom. Right,
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: So we would have friends come over, right, we would
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: holding out a glass eyes like calling out the science hoologist. Yeah. Absolutely,
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: I should have put it on a ring, like on
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: a necklace and just worn it around. But anyway, so
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: she we had she had an extra eye. And we
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: went upstairs when she wasn't around when she was out bowling.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: Good luck mom bowling and one I like every every
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: bowl was a spare um. But anyway, so um so
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: she so friends would come over and we'd take the
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: eye from upstairs and they knock on the door and
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: there would be a chain on the door and we
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: open it up, and you go, who's there with the eye?
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: I have to freak the fuck hit. I would freak
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: couple of kids out and they just ran home. So
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: did she have one eye or multiple eyes? She had
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: one eye and I'm not even kidding she would she
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: had one ever since I was born. She would sleep
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: like this, I'm not even kidding. She would sleep like
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: this like that and be like mom, mom, Mom, mom,
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: m mom. Like I didn't know if she was sleeping
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: or awake or what. And then she'd be and then
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: she'd wake up. She'd like this, she'd be like this,
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: and she'd wake up roun and I go, I'm thirsty,
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: and she's like she'd be like really, and then go
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: back to sleep. I like that. You wake your mom
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: with one eye up because you're thirsty, Go get your
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: own vodka. Right. But my, that was my mom. She
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: was She was fantastic and she then she um. So
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: your mom was like a president. I mean, even though
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: she was away all the time and she worked all
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: the time, she was president when she was home. Yeah. Yeah,
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: I felt the love. I felt very cared for. She
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: was the best mom in the whole wide world. She
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: started a food bank for the poor and the homeless
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: when she was, you know, very young, and and she
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: did she could. She had an option to get a
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: job as like a high paying secretary or start a
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: food bank with a nun. And I was like, take
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: the fucking high paying job. But she no, I'm kidding.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: But she was like a saint. And she did this
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: thing and she it's called the Northern Illinois Food Bank.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: It's part of the Second Harvest. Yeah. So she she
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: doesn't get a lot of credits. She started that whole thing,
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: and so um she uh. Then she died last year
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: from Alzheimer's. Thank you, thank you. Yes, I say that
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: for the same reason your dad. When your dad passed away,
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: it's like you but I was you were so then
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: you were relieved a bit. Yes, absolutely, so was she.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: I'm sure. And so now you have to joke about it,
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: because if you don't laugh about it, you crying. I
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: was in therapy for a year or two years about
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: oh my god, am I being a good enough son
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: for my mom who has Alzheimer's trying to take care
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: of her? I don't know. And you cry every day
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: and you're like, oh my god, there you know, you're
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: more in the death of your mom's spirit before her body,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: so you cry about that. There's two deaths with Alzheimer's.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: There's the death of the person and the death of
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: the actual body. And so I was mourning my mom
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: dying all the time. And then once you get over that,
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: you realize you're caring for this person who you still
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: love but isn't necessarily still the same person you knew.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: You start to find the humor and you start to laugh.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: So I would go into her room and she would
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: there would be a giant turd in the toilet, and
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, Mom, what do you have to She
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: she goes, I don't know who did that. That is
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: somebody comes in. I'm I'm him to God, somebody came
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: in here and pooped in my toilet. It is They
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: are turred. It is not my turd. And I was like, okay,
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: well let's go come with me. We're gonna flush the
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: other person's turn down the toilet. So it's all hilarious.
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: It is funny, I mean, in those moments are funny,
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: like they are so heartbreaking. My mom was in hospice
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: for six or seven days, and my brothers and sisters
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: were all sleeping on those like little cots that they
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: pull in, and my mom was not conscious or with
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: it at all. She was just there to die and
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: they would just give her more fine and stop feeding her.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: And you're so like, you know, you're just sitting there
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: like watching someone die. And we're lying on a cot
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: one night, and it was the night before my mom died,
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: and my brother Glenn, who's really sarcastic and perverted, was
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: lying next to me, and my sister Shoshana and my
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: brother Roy were on the cots across the room. And
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: he went and put his hand on mine. I go, stop,
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: what are you doing? And he goes, how long do
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: you think Roy and Shoshana I've been sleeping together? That's
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: really funny. And my sister summoned at a chair like
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: Clinty just so disgusting. But it's like in those moments
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: that's all you have to hold onto because if you're
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: not laughing, you're dying too. You know. You just want
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: to be some relief from the pain and from the exhaustion.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: Because I think a lot of people, and I think
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: what you're saying is true. I think a lot of
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: people when they go through or they lose somebody, they're
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: so feel guilty for being it's no fun to see
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: someone die that's not how they want us to see
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: them either or remember them. It's worse for us. So
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: it is a relief when somebody who's suffering dies. It's
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: much different if somebody snatch out of your life. You know,
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: that sometimes can be unrecoverable. But I think when somebody
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: dies slowly, you know, when they finally go, you're like,
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: thank you. I mean, it's just selfish to be anything else.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: I think people think be saying that is bad. It's like, no,
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: it's compassionate. Yeah, I think they'll too. My mom another
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: really fast one was I took her out for pizza
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: one night or her favorite pizza place, and I parked
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: the car and I we were waiting to cross the
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: busy street to get to the pizza place and start
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: of standing there waiting for the cars to clear before
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: we crossed, and I hit the lock button on the
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: car and it goes, and my mom thought it was
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: a car patch. She goes up yours, up yours? Like
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: who says up yours? Right? Who does? Say? Nobody? Yeah?
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: And one time there was the gas station was being uh,
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: you know, robbed up the street from us, and she goes,
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: did you hear there's a stick up at the gas station,
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: A stick up from the night from night, what are
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: you from? Spider Man? In my I was going to
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: tell you the story about my dad and vodka. So
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: my parents didn't drink, and so and my brothers and sisters.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: I'm youngest of six, so when I grew up, my
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: brothers and sisters drink a little, but not like I
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: drank or drink and um. And so my father we
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: would fight, and you know, we hated each other. Fight
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: with my dad. I lived with my brother for a
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: year because I hated my dad so much. I just
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: thought he was like the devil. And he was a
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: used car dealer, so he was kind of a shyster
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: and a liar and you know, and so I just
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: was like, I hate you. And then finally I went
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: to move to California. I came back. I flew home
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: to New Jersey, and I drove to Martha's vineyard, the
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: five hour drive that we would go to the summer
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: house every year. That makes us sound like we were rich.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: We weren't rich. I don't know how my dug at
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: that fucking house. So I come home one summer and
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: I he picked me up from the airport and we
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: stopped at one of those. We had to drive up
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: to Martha's Vinior to the ferry boat, and we stopped
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: at one of those, uh you know, McDonald's rest stops,
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: and he was him and my mom in this like
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: dirty gross caravan that they drove, this dodge gold caravan
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: with like McDonald's breakfast sandwich is stuck there from I
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: mean it was. My parents were just like not, I'm
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: up and up, you know, and I wanted to. I wanted.
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to grow up and get
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: cleaning ladies, like this is mayhem, you know, so life
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: the first time I had any success, I'm like, I
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: need a landscaper and a cleaning lady. I don't want
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: any trouble and a nanny. I don't know for who
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: but me. Um and he we stopped. We stopped at McDonald's,
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: and I was grossed out that they were, you know,
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: because I moved to l A. I'm like, I don't
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: do that anymore. And my dad's like, oh, sweetie, really
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: you're not gonna have McDonald's because you've been living in
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: l A for two months. And we sat and I
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: was so annoyed and irritated. I was like grossed out
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: by them. You know, I was in that phase. I
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: was twenty two, maybe twenty one, and had been away
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: from them long enough to miss them, but not long
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: enough to still be annoyed by them. And I remember
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: we sat down to McDonald's and he took my egg
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: out of my McMuffin and separated the carbs from the protein,
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: and I look, I mean, that's the way of the
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: world's sister, And I was like I always been paying attention.
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: And then he took out like a cheap bottle of
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: vodka in a paper bag and put it on the
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: table and go, sweetie, if we know this whole time,
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: if we knew this whole time, all you needed was
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: a little vodka, we would have given it to you
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: when you were six, because like, this is your mood stabilizer.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: We understand you now, right, So now you go, I'll
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: have the number three with vodka. Yeah, I finally. I
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: mean in that moment, obviously I wasn't gonna drink that
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: vodka because I didn't understand the brand. But I in
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: that moment, I was like, oh, I have parents. In
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: that ridiculous moment, I'm like they finally hear me and
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: see me and pay attention to me. So you talk
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: about in the book a lot of a lot of
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: the times it's hard to relate to your mom because
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: she was so sweet. She was she didn't have the
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: vim and vigor that you had and you wish she had,
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: And so was it hard to relate to her growing up? Yeah,
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: it was really My mom was really she was German,
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: but not like you know, archetypal or yeah, she wasn't
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: archetypal German. She was like, uh, sweet and like the
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: opposite of what I'm doing, you know, like shy and
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: demurror and later what Germans are known for rights sweet, unassuming,
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: um she and she was really quiet, and I was
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: so strong and fierce and like I thought that was
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: my thing, Like that was my personality, that was who
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: I was. I didn't think it was because of an
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: incident in my life. I didn't think because my brother
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: died when I was nine years old that I became
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: this person. I thought I was up born this way.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: I'm a fighter, you know, I'm an independent woman. I
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: don't need a man, I don't need a baby, I
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: don't need anything. I'm gonna do this my way, and
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: I'm never going to rely on a human being in
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: my life again. Because my brother when I was nine
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: years old, said he would come back. He was going
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: on vacation and he'd come back to Martha's vineyard in
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: a week. And he never came back. He died. So you,
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: immediately at nine years old have trust issues. Yeah, immediately,
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: that is the blueprint for you as an adult, Like
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: you stopped growing at that age when you were that small,
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: I have the exact same thing. Yeah, I mean I
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: didn't have any family. Remember my dad leaving when I
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: was five? How did did he say goodbye? I remember
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: my dad coming. I remember him slamming uh the oven
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: door because he made something, just came home to eat
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: something to eat and didn't speak to anybody. And then
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: he was leaving the family, and my mom said, I
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: remember it so vividly. She said, aren't you even going
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: to say goodbye to your kids? And he literally went
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: and he turned to around and gave me like the
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: most idiotic club and then he left and I watched
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: him drive away, and I was like, I didn't know
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: what to do with that. I was five years old,
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: and but I remember it still vividly, and then it
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: sticks with you forever, and then you don't trust people,
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: and then, like we talked about before, you have trust
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: issues about like you test people. You test people for
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: the rest of your life, Like I'm going to test
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: you to see if you'll stick around and I can
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: trust you. Yeah, and if you and if I can
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: trust you, I'll find a reason not to trust you,
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: and then you'll be out anyway. That's right. And it's
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: a stupid, stupid cycle until you become aware of it.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: And I am, which is in your book, Well, yeah,
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: identify it. Identify that your reaction to somebody is like, oh,
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: like my psychiatrist was like, I am, he has acronyms
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: for everything. I'm like, I'm going to shove an acronym
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: up your ass by the end of this. So it's
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: identification awareness modification. Because I have a problem with patients,
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: like I think people are stupid and I can't deal
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: with them, and everyone annoys me, and I'm in a
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: constant state of agitation. And I told him this, and
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: I said, I don't know everyone annoys me. I just
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: want everyone to shut the funk up. Okay, Well, this
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: sounds like a good time to take a break. Did
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: your experience with your parents growing up affect you not
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: wanting to have kids. Yeah, I mean I'm like, they
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: have six kids and they don't know what the funk
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: they're doing. So, like I, first of all growing up
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: in a big family. I don't know if you feel
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: this way. I think you do, but I would only
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: have six kids, like I would want a full house
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: because my brothers and sisters are the ones who kind
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: of raised me. And I think you feel that your
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: brothers and sisters, everybody was on their own, right, Yeah,
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: we kind of parented ourselves. Yeah, so I was parented
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: by my brothers and sisters, so I needed them. And
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: so I always like, if I'm gonna have one kid,
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: i'm gonna have six, and I don't want any. So
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: let's just get a dog, get a bunch of fake
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: chow chouse whose age I'll never know. I'm like, I
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: don't wonder where my dog died when he was four,
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: because he was seventeen. And you know, I wrote and
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: I go off on vets in this book, and in
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: like a jocular way, I'm not seriously like attacking them.
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: I think it's ethical and nice and moral that those
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: aren't the right words. But like they have a nice job.
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: That's good that they're a vet. But I really you
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: cannot get a straight answer from a veterinarian. There's never
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: any black or white. It's always like, well, you could
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: operate or you could not. And you're like, which one
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: do you suggest? It's really up to you. It's like,
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: we could give you a real medication or you could
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: take CBD. I'm like, do you have a preference. He's like, again,
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: your decision. I'm like, hey, buddy, I'm not a fucking vet.
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: You are. Me and Scotty, my husband, Scotty, we had
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: a couple of Austrian shepherds and one of them, his
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: name is Buzzy, and he started having camp. Well, he
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: started bleeding out of his nose, so like, oh my god,
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: we gotta rushian. I like the phrase started having cancer, right,
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: he started cancer starts totally. Really, I started having cancer
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: and then my life went to ship. I can't imagine why.
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: And so he started bleeding out of his nose and
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: we took him the same thing. The guys like, m M,
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: I don't know, he's probably maybe just got maybe got
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: a cut from the fence or something, It's like okay,
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: and then like three months later, a little part of
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: his nose was gone, and I was like, I don't.
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: I don't. I've seen pictures of dogs and I don't
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: think that's normal. So she, uh, what was they saying? Oh?
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: So then the cancer just completely started eating his nose away.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: And then the doctor's like, well, you could do chemo
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: or you could not do chemo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: very vague, and like I don't like vague. I like, like,
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: you know, like I like data. I want science. I
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: don't want like obscure ship. I like, like, that's why
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: my therapist was so good, because he was talking about
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: brains and like in a scientific way, and he's like, oh,
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: the migdala hippocampus. I was like, yeah, yeah, I can
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: get on board with that, pretending like I wasn't. I
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: was there to learn when all I was there there
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: to test him out, to see if he was a
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: decent enough therapist that I could actually talk to, Like,
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: let's talk about your childhood. I was like, no, my
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: brother died, my mother died, my father will hopefully be
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: dead by the time this year is over. Because I
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: just kept living and living and living. It's yeah, yeah, relief.
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: I mean my dad I was. I mean, it's so
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: mean that we keep people alive like that, horribly, so disgraceful.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: They don't feel dignified. Listen to this. I called some
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: place in Illinois. I was when I was in l A.
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: I called some place in Illinois and to find out
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: the laws about the right to die. You know those
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: to die right. You can do it in Oregon, you
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: can um California. Like, if you were diagnosed with a
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: determinal terminal disease, don't you want to be put down? Yes? Absolutely,
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: I do too, And I want to be put down
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: even if I'm diagnosed with like a mediocre disease like
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: I do. I'm fucking wiped out, you know what I mean, bronchitis,
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: I am out. Yeah, just put me down. And my
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: sister is like, we're gonna if you get cancer, God forbid,
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: we're gonna fight it. I'm like, what do you mean,
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: we so tros fuck you any anything. I don't want
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: to fight it. I just want to go. It's fair.
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: Most you said that you have patience problems too, Yeah,
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: like sitting through that story, my patience of that part
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: of that is in the book I Love No Wait,
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: but patients problems like and these are privileged problems. And
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: I'm aware of my privilege. Believe me. I just had
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: a documentary about it. I'm so embarrassed that I might
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: have to move and leave the country because of my privilege.
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: And what we don't realize that. Yeah, it's coming out
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: in the fall and it's called hello privilege. It's me
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: Chelsea um. But a lot of us don't really understand
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: the privilege we have when we're you know, white. You
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: don't get it because you don't see it. Like I
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: just thought. I thought for everything, and I worked really
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: hard in my life and I deserved it, like I did.
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: Never think, oh, wait, what would a girl of color
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: have done in my situation? Talking about drinking, being rewarded
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: for drug use and sleeping around like that just doesn't
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: That wouldn't have been the same thing. And so thinking
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: about that is important for all of us because it
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: is a different to be white in this country, in
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: the world. It's a completely different experience, and we don't
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: think about it enough. And the thing I learned from
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: therapy the most is to really understand other people's situations
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: and not think that your experience is the norm. Right,
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: do you feel like it's getting better, like the the
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: the handling of the balance of it, or do you
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: feel it's getting worse or where do you think it's at?
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: Because in Hollywood they're doing I think, a really really
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: great job about hiring women, women of color, um and
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: different minorities and what they called diverse. I'm just like,
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: can't they just be called human beings? Why does everybody
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: that's not white have to be diverse? Why they're just
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: as equal as anybody else. So I don't know. I mean,
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: it's a depressing conversation, but it's a necessary one. But
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: how do you think we're doing I think Hollywood is
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: ponying up because they have to, And fine, whatever the
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: reason is. However you get to the party, that's fine.
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: I think I don't care about people's motives as much
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: as I care about the action, which I think is important.
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: But I think it's more of a responsibility for the
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: people who will have privilege to wake the funk up
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: and understand that you have a responsibility to people who
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: don't have privilege and stick your neck out. Don't say
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: you're not getting involved, get involved. You have to get involved,
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: you know, like people fought for years and years for
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: us to have rights, for women to have rights, and
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: to not act out on behalf of another community that's
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: been marginalized, or your own community is disrespectful to every
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: single person before you. Yes, absolutely, Um, I think people
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: are willing and ready enable, Like people are galvanized now,
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: Like we were a little bit sleepy and people got comfortable,
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: myself included. I thought, oh, Barack Obama was the president,
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: racism is over. Hillary Clinton is going to be the
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: next president, so feminism is cool too, Like how I
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: can really party Before we get off, I want to
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: read a little passage. So these bracelets I'm wearing are
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: called they say they're not called anything that say I decide,
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: and their T shirts that say I decide. All the
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: proceeds go to l g B t Q I A sure,
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: which I believe should just be que It's too exhausting.
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: It is a lot of letters, but you know we're
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: just trying to respect it. You know me too, But
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: I am one and I just be cue. On the
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: subject of um, death and loss and grief, I think
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: everybody in this room has probably been affected by somebody
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: dying or well, yeah, you have been. And I didn't
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: take that issue seriously for a long time in my
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: life because I was successful. I had a great career,
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: I had everything. I had lots of success, and if
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: you define that by materialism, I had at all. And
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: I didn't ever think I had the right to be
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: upset about anything. And I didn't want to go to
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: therapy because I thought that was a narcissistic And so
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: when I finally was when I had to go to
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: their therapy because I was so angry about the election,
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: and my therapist explained to me why I was really angry. Um,
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: I kind of unlocked my brain for the first time
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: as an adult, and UM, I realized that I was
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: allowing my brother's death to define my entire existence. Karen,
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: do you know what page this is on that I'm
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: looking for? I have Sean's book. I forgot mine, and
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: it's where the wild things are. Okay, yeah, here it is.
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: You're gonna get up so you can look at my
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: ask Shawn, hold on, let me get my camel toe out.
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: I keep it's like my vagina is getting bigger. Hold on.
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: I didn't know then that my brother's death was defining me.
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: I didn't know that I had the ability to say
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: no to being defined by death. Now I was with
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: a person, my psychiatrist, who could help me process what
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: happened and turned the parts of me that acted like
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: a nine year old into a self actualized adult who
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: had come to a better understanding of what it means
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: to dig deep and admit that you are in pain,
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: thereby beginning the process of relinquishing your pain. I was
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: in a place where my brother dying no longer how
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: to define my existence. It's part of who I am,
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: perhaps the biggest part, and it may have helped steer
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: me in a certain direction, but it is not all
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: of me. I defined me. No event or person does this.
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: I define me. I decide who I am and how
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: I'm going to behave and I choose to be better
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: to look at myself more carefully, to trudge deeper, to
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: think about other people's pasts, and not judge someone for
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: doing or handling something differently than I would, To understand
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: my limitations, my shortcomings. That is my growth edge. I
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: decide who I am. Thank you guys for coming to
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: the Late Show in Chicago, and thank you to my boyfriend. Okay,
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: We have added dates to my stand up tour. They
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: are available on Chelsea Handler dot com or live nation
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: dot com and the book is Life Will Be the
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: Death of Me. Thank you for listening. Brand Did you
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: have anything you'd like to add about I don't know
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: the LGBT. Oh, we should add that all of our
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: proceeds for the l g B t Q I a
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: true colors. We donated all of our T shirt and
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: bracelet proceeds from the first half of Life will Be
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: the Death of Me tour. What I do have something
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: to say? I finally made it out to a live
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: show and it was incredible. So anyone who has knock
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: gotten their tickets yet for any of the upcoming stand
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: up dates, good night, Thank you. Life will Be the
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: Death of Me as a production of I Heart Radio.
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: For more podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the i
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: your favorite shows.