Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Mother's Day After Divorce - my gift to you this Mother's Day

Transcript

Mother's Day After Divorce - my gift to you this Mother's Day · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Worm Tree people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a special episode for all the mums out there.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: All the mums navigating a tricky relationship, all the mums who are navigating separation, divorce, or parenting slash co-parenting afterwards.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm going to kick off with a confession.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: I am not a huge fan of Mother's Day.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I never really have been, and my own mum has never really made a big deal about it.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: We do celebrate in small ways.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I absolutely acknowledge my own beautiful mum and all she's done for us, maybe with a phone call, a visit, some flowers, a card, but you know, one day really can't ever be enough to give back to her anything like what she's given us, what she's given me.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: For me, my kids, they like to choose a gift for me.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: In the past, they've been helped by their dad to do that, and these days we usually, or the last few years, we've gone out for breakfast or lunch, but it's not in my life calendar, it's not a big deal.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that is not the same for all of you, but for me it's really not a big deal.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have had Mother's Days in the past where my kids have been with their dad, and for many, many years I would spend every Mother's Day at a muddy, usually really cold oval watching my son play football, and mostly I would love it.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: He is, after all, one of the two reasons I actually get to celebrate Mother's Day as a mum.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, one of the reasons I'm not a fan of Mother's Day, especially as a single mum, is I see so much load and expectation about how Mother's Day should be, how it should look, and what the day should bring.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this is really often amplified when you're a single mum.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe your kids are too little to celebrate you in the ways we're told or sold that they should.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe there's no pamper voucher or breakfast in bed.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, like I mentioned earlier, they're spending the day with their other parent and you don't get to see them face to face as you should for this special day.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, maybe they just plain forget or don't see it as as as important as you should as you think they should.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I vote to celebrate us as mothers to celebrate motherhood three 65 days a year rather than one.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, even now my kids are young adults, you know, they're 20 and 18, and some days I'm doing a great job, others.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm not even close.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, that's all part of the journey of being a mum.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And for many of my clients, a lot of our work comes down to me supporting, empowering them to be able to single parent their kids in the really hard times and the hard moments, as well as full-on celebrate them when things are going really well.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So celebrate them when things are not going well and uplift and empower them, but also celebrate them when things are going well.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm all for celebrating motherhood, honouring mothers, whether you're a single mum, parent, co-parenting, parallel parenting, in a partnership, celebrating and honouring mums three 65 days a year.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But celebrating Mother's Day after separation divorce can look and feel really different.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel really different, and then on just a practical organizational level, it can look really different too.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: When you're a single mum, it becomes less a day, a day off in inverticom as a day of celebration or acknowledgement and spoiling, and oftentimes it just becomes another day, but it's also one that's loaded with expectation and messaging about how things should look.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you might not get a beautiful, peaceful, extended sleep in on Mother's Day, especially if your kids are still quite small.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if your kids are teenagers, that's a whole other story.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You will definitely get a sleep in and you'll wake up and make your own breakfast and wait for them to wake up.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: But if your kids are quite small, you might not get that sleep in.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: You might be lucky to get breakfast in bed, but the downside is downside to that is that you know someone gets to clean up the craziness they left behind in the kitchen afterwards, and usually that's going to be on you.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: If there's a gift, maybe something from school or from kind of or something you've organized yourself, or maybe your mum, your girlfriend, a girlfriend, or even your ex has helped the kids organize, great, but that's not always the case.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, it might be that you've had to organize it yourself, you've had to empower the kids or support the kids, give them the money to go and buy something for you or make something for you.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as a single mum, there's not always someone else there.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Very often there's not anyone there to pick up the slack or do all the things.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Not today, not Mother's Day, and not on any other day either.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that night you stayed up all night with one of the kids because they were sick, you still had to get up, show up at six in the morning to get the other kids to school.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you leave the washing undone, the lawn unmowed, there's actually no one else to step in to help.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And Mother's Day can it can really reinforce that, it can feel like that too, or not.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: So this podcast episode is my gift to you on Mother's Day.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a reminder that you're doing an amazing job, that you are the very best mum that your kids could ever have.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: That was one piece of advice I was given when Eva, who's nearly 21, was a baby.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: You are the very best mother that she could ever have.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you're remember on Mother's Day, any day, you're doing an amazing job that your kids are growing or have grown into beautiful young humans.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because of you.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast episode's also a reminder that Mother's Day is actually a bullshit kind of hallmark holiday.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to mean what we're told and sold it should.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's a commercialised, sanitized BS version of celebration that you don't have to opt into if you don't want to.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: The messaging is strong and you can actually opt out of it.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of mailing lists actually have an opt-out option for Mother's Day because Mother's Day is not even Mother's Day is not always a celebration.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you've got a fractured relationship with your own mum or she's not around, or you don't have a relationship with her at all for whatever reason, if you're not with your kids, if you're estranged from your kids, if you've lost a child, if you've lost your mum, Mother's Day is a tricky, activating, challenging day.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So please, if you need to, opt out of it.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I won't be sending an email about Mother's Day this year because I recognise that it's a challenging, activating day for many of you.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: While as a single mum, it can feel isolating and lonely, it can be a stark reminder of what you don't have or what is not in your world.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it doesn't have to be that.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You have the power and the capacity to choose what you want this day to be and mean for you and for your family.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It might mean all the things to you, it might mean all the hallmark messages and all of that media stuff, all that story, or it could mean little or nothing at all.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: But the point is that you have the power and capacity to choose what you want it to be and what you want it to mean.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: So my tips for you here are change your expectations, break the rules, including your own, cut yourself some slack, give yourself compassion, a grace, a kindness, and choose your way.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose presents, gifts, or treats versus none.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: A partnered friends, as well as all the ads, all the media, tell us what we should be hoping for and what we should be receiving.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Fancy PJs and slippers, spa vouchers, mani petties, flowers, breakfast in bed, lunch out in a restaurant.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: You, on the other hand, might receive kids kids.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've already got kids if you're celebrating Mother's Day.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: You might receive gifts your kids made at school or that they chose with money you gave them.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Older kids might be able to swing a gift with their own money, or maybe your ex will help the kids choose and buy something.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: But if not, you get to choose.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can shift or change this focus.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can buy your own gift, splash out on something you've been wanting for a while, treat yourself to an experience or a thing or a gift that feels just right to you, something that's the perfect reflection of you as a mum or not, just whatever you most want and need.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, sure, that could be a spa voucher, but equally it could be a new lawnmower or a week of meal delivery, whatever it is, whatever you most want and need.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or you could choose to treat yourself and the kids to a fun day out.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: A movie you'll all enjoy gives you two hours of peace and quiet time in the dark.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just saying.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: So reframe it, and you will find that the social media posts, the email marketing of others mightn't bother you quite as much if that is something that you do find activating and triggering.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can appreciate that others are happy and they're being spoiled, even if that's not your reality.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, deep down that might hurt a little, but choose.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Really choose to treat yourself with exactly what you most want.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can, because you're independent, and because you deserve it.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now that can be a monetary gift or not.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, you could just stick a movie on for the kids and give yourself two hours of downtime.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: That is a beautiful gift to give yourself on Mother's Day that doesn't cost you anything.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: You also get to choose to a certain extent.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know for some of you there will be an element of no choice because of parenting arrangements, okay?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm clop I'm clarifying or qualifying the next part of my of what I'm going to say here.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose whether to celebrate together and celebrate and/or celebrate something new and different.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: So as a single mum, you might not be spending the day with your kids, or you might be collecting your kids from their other parent for the day, or as I said, you might not be seeing them at all.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids might feel a little torn or not if they're needing to split their day to be with you.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And there may also be other family members to visit, grandmothers, other mums in their lives, like new partner, dad's new partner.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you might not be able to choose exactly the logistics and the dynamic of this, but you do get to choose what it all means for you, what it means for your kids and for your family.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: So perhaps it becomes less a celebration of you as a mum, you as an individual, but a celebration of all the important, wonderful, loving women they have in their lives.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, that might include their dad's new partner.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: But a celebration of all the wonderful loving mother figures that they have in their lives.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been here for a while, you know that I'm also big on being grateful for the past in terms of what it has gifted us.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, again, I'm gonna clarify this.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking abusive relationship, I'm not talking high toxicity, I'm not talking the high conflict divorce, but I'm talking about otherwise reasonably healthy, reasonably functional relationships which just end happened to end in separation, divorce.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: So being grateful for the past a little more globally, because the relationship with your kid's father gifted you motherhood, after all, it gifted you these beautiful children.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So being grateful for the past that led you to and through that relationship and celebrating the amazing woman, the amazing mother you are, and leading your family, choosing to lead your family in a new way is another beautiful way.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think you can reframe motherhood, Mother's Day, if you're finding it uh triggering and activating.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're not waking up with or spending the day with your kids on Mother's Day, again, what are you choosing for yourself?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: You could choose a long, lazy day doing nothing much, you could choose a hike out in the mountains, a cold water swim in the ocean, a Netflix binge or a brunch with other single mum or kid-free girlfriends, anyone who in your life who whose mum isn't around or who has a fractured or difficult relationship with their mum, or it might just be it might just be that you choose to be loved up and love on your own mum.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're not spending Mother's Day with your kids, what are you going to choose for yourself?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Mother's Day also gives us an opportunity for self-loving compassion and acknowledgement and celebration.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrating just how far you've come.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this can be especially important.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, no, it's not.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's especially important for all of us, regardless of our motherhood journey.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrating how far you've come.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to ask you, do you actually really need the validation of someone else of others on Mother's Day?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: As a strong, independent, single mama, you don't need it or want it on any other day.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So you can choose to let today be one of deep gratitude for your journey as a mother, a day of self-loving acknowledgement of you and a celebration of how far you've come.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Recognizing and acknowledging yes, it's hard, recognising and acknowledging all that you're doing, all you're doing beautifully, all you're doing right, and all you're doing exactly your way.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just a quiet reflection and uh look at me go.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Look how far I've come.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing that where you are today is just that, it's where you are today.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: You may not be doing it perfectly, but you're doing a damn beautiful job of being the mama to those kids of yours.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: It may not be where you thought you'd be, and it may not look like you hoped it would.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's also not where you'll be forever.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: So Mother's Day can be an opportunity to check the rearview mirror and acknowledge just how far you've come, all you've achieved all you've achieved, and you've really only got to look into your kids' gorgeous faces to remind yourself of that.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Look at what you're doing, look at all that you've been through and all the good that is yet to come.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do Mother's Day this year, just like every other day, let's do it your way.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the best gift that single motherhood gives us.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: It gives us a beautiful opportunity to redefine, reclaim, and liberate yourself from the bear stories, including the one of Mother's Day, and choose.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: We get to choose to do it our way.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Happy Mother's Day.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or not.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe share this with another mama that you think might find it supportive.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.