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Finding Closure When Someone Won't Take Responsibility · Breaking Our Borders

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, welcome to the Breaking Our Borders podcast.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: In today's episode, I'm going to talk about something that causes me a lot of heartache.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that is when having a disagreement with someone and they refuse to take responsibility for their behavior and won't work towards a resolution to the situation.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I will discuss what this does to our mental health and why they won't take responsibility.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started talking about all of that right now.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I sure have, with many people at many different times throughout my life.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: More often with some than others.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: But it has always left me with frustration and feeling like I can't let it go.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: An example of this is when in a past relationship, I told the person that I didn't like the things he had said about how the thing I was doing was stupid and a waste of time.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that his words hurt my feelings.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: This person did not acknowledge that what he said hurt my feelings.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And his response to my statement was that I was too sensitive.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to get over it because he was just kidding.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And why couldn't I take a joke?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Later, when a situation like this happened again, I told him I didn't like his joking.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And he again blamed me for being the problem of not being able to take a joke and being too sensitive, and then claim that I always overreacted when he tried to joke with me.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: In healthy relationships, when we learn that something we said or did hurt another person, we are willing to listen and try to understand their experience.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Even if we didn't intend to cause hurt, we can acknowledge the impact of our behavior, apologize when we need to, and make an effort to avoid repeating behavior that harms the relationship.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: We may not always agree about what happened, but we should be willing to listen to one another and work toward understanding.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: In my example, he didn't do any of those things.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: What he did was unhealthy, emotional, abusive things.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: First, he did not validate how his behavior made me feel.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: He invalidated my feelings, leaving me with feelings of being wrong about the situation and unimportant to him.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Second, he shifted the blame of the problem onto me.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of him being at blame for hurting my feelings, it was my fault for being too sensitive.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Third, he shifted the focus away from his hurtful comments and onto my reaction to them.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: By insisting that he was only joking and that I was too sensitive, he made it seem as though my feelings were the problem rather than addressing the impact of his words.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: When this kind of behavior becomes a repeated pattern that makes someone question their own perceptions or sense of reality, it can become a form of gaslighting.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, he used emotional manipulation, which is considered emotional abuse, to make me feel like there was something wrong with me and that I was the problem, and refused to see my side of things and make the situation better between us.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: These types of relationships are often especially difficult for childhood trauma survivors.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: During childhood, a child is developing an identity, which is how they see their self-worth, their abilities, and personal traits.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Experiences with and input from adults in the child's life help develop this identity.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Part of that development is being heard, believed, and understood.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Often, during childhood trauma caused by abuse, these things do not happen for the child.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: They are ignored, blamed, and accused of things they didn't do.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: During my childhood, my mother blamed me for being the reason she was always upset, whether it was something I did wrong or something I didn't do for her.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: My explanations that her claims were not true were not heard.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that I was trying to be better to make her happy was not believed.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the identity that I wanted to develop of being a good child was not supported by my mother.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing I did, didn't do, or said could convince my mother that I was not the bad person she made me out to be.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because of this, I questioned my perception of myself, struggled to let go of the confusion in my mind about what my mother thought I was and what I was trying to be, and left me with feelings of wanting to prove my side of things.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Experiencing all of this with my mother set me up for being in relationships where I was treated similarly.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Hence the example I gave earlier of the relationship I had with a man who wouldn't validate my feelings.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of the mental borders that can develop from childhood trauma.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: When we grow up being blamed for things that aren't our fault, we may begin to believe that we are the problem.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: We may carry that belief into adulthood, constantly questioning ourselves and trying to prove our worth to people who refuse to understand us.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: We may believe that if we can just explain ourselves well enough, we will finally be heard and accepted.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: After living through this type of abuse during childhood, I did not have the skills to respond in healthy ways to people blaming me for my feelings and not working with me to resolve the situation.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: As humans, we desire to be heard, validated, and have closure to a disagreement.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: We want to be able to express our feelings and needs and have the other person understand those feelings and needs and accept them without judgment.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be able to share our thoughts and have them understood and cared about by the other person.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: If there is a disagreement between two people about a situation, then we need to work through the disagreement to find a solution where both people are happy with the result.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is the emotionally healthy process that our brain needs to be at peace with that situation.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: When this doesn't happen, when we are not heard, understood, or can obtain resolution, then we may have mental stress of the situation replaying in our mind, searching for closure.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: This mental stress can occur often and at various times, interrupting regular mental processes.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: We struggle to let go of the situation.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: This can also happen for many years after the event.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I still replay experiences with my mother nearly 40 years later because my mind did not achieve resolution to her abuse.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Other experiences that I have encountered since childhood that were like what I experienced with my mother have triggered the feelings that my mother caused me to develop.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Without being able to develop my own identity, believing my mother's thoughts that I was always the problem, and not being able to express my true feelings for fear of attack caused me to believe I am the problem and don't deserve to be heard.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship with the man that I discussed earlier lasted for many years, with me continuously believing that I was the problem, that I needed to learn not to be so sensitive and just accept his harsh comments as joking.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I stopped telling him that what he said was hurtful because he just denied it, and would criticize myself for being upset by his comments.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: That is what I had learned from my mother, to take other people's comments, not stick up for myself, and hold my feelings in.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: The problem was I was internally struggling with this because I was ignoring my true feelings, accepting abusive behavior, and not receiving resolution to the situation.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: There are three issues with what I allowed to happen in prior situations.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: One is that there was an injustice in how I was treated.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: The man I was in a relationship with blamed me for something that wasn't true and made an attack on my character.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: By saying I was too sensitive, he implied that if I changed my personality, then we wouldn't have a problem, and that there was something wrong with me that I had my feelings hurt by his words.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: If I was tougher and could take a joke, there wouldn't be a problem.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: The next issue was that he was not validating my feelings.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was hurt by his insensitive comments, and he would not recognize that.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, he twisted the situation to make me the problem, not him.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the last issue is no resolution to the situation.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: He did not apologize or take ownership for his behavior, so I had to suck it up and accept his joking no matter how it made me feel.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: But what I wanted, what I deserved, was validation for my feelings, justice for how I felt, and resolution so that I didn't feel that way again.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Validation provides us with feelings of emotional safety, belonging, and worth.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Justice gives us feelings of safety, trust in a relationship, and dignity.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Resolution gives us cognitive closure, allowing our mind to find peace.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: We all deserve validation, justice, and resolution.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if we aren't getting that in our relationships, we will have mental stress in our mind, searching for closure.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Before I talk about how to get the validation, justice, and resolution we deserve, I want to talk about why people won't give us that.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why won't they listen to our thoughts, validate our feelings, and find a solution to the problem?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: There can be several reasons why someone refuses to take responsibility for their behavior.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot always know what is happening inside another person, but understanding some of the possible reasons can help us recognize that their refusal to accept responsibility may have more to do with their own difficulties than with whether our feelings are valid.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: When someone is confronted with something they did wrong to another person, they may see this as a threat to their self-image.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's easier to believe someone else has something wrong with them than to believe they do.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: They may see themselves as perfect and don't want anything to suggest otherwise.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: In my relationship, he turned the focus on what was wrong with me so that the focus was not on what he did wrong.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason they won't accept responsibility for their behaviors is that they see it as an attack on their character, making them feel shame or rejection.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: They may have fragile self-worth, and an accusation that they did something wrong makes them look bad to themselves, and they can't handle any more negativity about themselves.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Again, they will twist the story to make you the problem, so they aren't.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And another reason is that if they don't take responsibility for their behavior, then they don't have to do anything to make amends or change.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to apologize or try to act differently because in their mind, they didn't do anything wrong.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Believing they didn't do anything wrong can be another reason they refuse to take responsibility.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: They may truly not believe they did anything wrong.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: It is their perception that what they did is not what you are accusing them of.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: In my situation, I accused him of being mean, but in his mind, he was joking.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: We all have different perceptions of our experiences.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I perceived his words as hurtful.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: One last reason for a lack of responsibility for their behaviors is that they may not have been raised to accept responsibility for their actions.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: They may have learned as a child to blame others for everything that happens.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And since it's always someone else's fault, then they don't need to apologize.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: But please hear this.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: None of these reasons are an excuse for their being unwilling to take responsibility.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Whether we mean to or not, when we do something that upsets another person, it is not up to us to decide if they are upset about it or not.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have said things that upset someone, definitely not meaning to, but I accepted the fact that what I said upset them.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I apologized and recognized that the other person did not like my behavior.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I did not do that again with them.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: That is how healthy relationships work.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: That is what we as humans need and deserve to have happen.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: So what do we do when it doesn't?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: How do we handle someone who refuses to accept responsibility for their actions?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: This has been a big problem for me over the years.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: I could never get past the desire to try to get that person to understand the hurt they cause me, to get them to accept my feelings and work with them to find resolution.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: The hardest part of this is that we have to accept that it's not going to happen.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: We will never get validation, justice, and resolution from some people.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Accepting this can help us begin to ease the mental stress in our minds that is searching for closure.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: We have to make our own closure by acknowledging that they are not willing to give us what we need and deserve.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: We can't force them to change, to hear what we are saying, or work with us to find a solution.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now, finding closure doesn't mean pretending that what happened is okay.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean agreeing with the other person's version of events or excusing their behavior.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: It does mean recognizing that you may never get the acknowledgement you deserve, and deciding that you no longer want to spend your time and energy trying to obtain it from someone who isn't willing to give it.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can acknowledge that you were hurt, recognize that the way you were treated was not acceptable, and still choose to move forward without their apology.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: We need to recognize that whatever they say about us is not necessarily true, or our perception of ourselves.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: He said I was too sensitive, couldn't take a joke, and the things I was doing were stupid and pointless.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: That is his perception of me, but not mine.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with me not liking when someone blames me for doing something I didn't or being something I'm not.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: There was nothing wrong in me finding importance in the thing I was doing.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I can take jokes, but jokes that are not attacks on my character.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: The key here is to focus on your perception of yourself.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Embrace these qualities and stand true to yourself.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Believe in who you are and the fact that while you may not get it, you do deserve validation, justice, and resolution.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Try to create your own closure with these thoughts and decide what you will do about your relationship with that person.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: After many years of the emotional abuse and manipulation, like in my example, I decided to end the relationship with that man.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: I just couldn't stand to be treated that way any longer and learn to respect myself more.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this isn't the only answer in these types of situations.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can still have a relationship with that person, but set boundaries for yourself.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Restrict certain topics in conversation if that causes a problem.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Restrict the time you spend with them.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And stop yourself from over-explaining your thoughts in an effort to get them to understand you.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: If they won't accept your feelings, then say something like, it looks like we disagree on what is happening.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just agree to disagree and move on.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: This gives each of you permission to feel what you feel and to disengage from an unproductive discussion.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're going to keep denying the more you keep explaining.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot tear down this mental border of believing we are the problem and have to prove our worth by convincing someone else to change their opinion of us.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: We begin tearing it down when we learn to recognize our own worth, trust our perceptions, and understand that another person's unwillingness to acknowledge our feelings does not determine whether those feelings are valid.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I will put a journal prompt on my website, breakingarborders.com, that can help you work through these kinds of tough situations.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: As I discussed in last week's episode, sometimes writing about a situation can help us find the closure we're searching for.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Please also follow me on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening today, and I hope you have a great week.