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315. Why You Carry Everyone's Problems | The Strong Man Pattern · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Kathie (2): What if the thing everyone praises you for is also the thing exhausting you?
• 0:06
  Kathie (2): You're dependable.
• 0:07
  Kathie (2): You're the one who handles things.
• 0:09
  Kathie (2): You notice the problem before anybody else does.
• 0:12
  Kathie (2): You notice when somebody is upset.
• 0:14
  Kathie (2): You notice when the room changes.
• 0:16
  Kathie (2): You notice the mistake.
• 0:17
  Kathie (2): You notice the tension, and before anybody even asks for help, you're already picking up the weight.
• 0:25
  Kathie (2): "I've got it." That sounds like strength.
• 0:28
  Kathie (2): Sometimes it is strength, but sometimes it's over-responsibility, and there is a big difference.
• 0:37
  Kathie (2): Because responsibility says,"This is mine.
• 0:39
  Kathie (2): I'll handle it." Over-responsibility says,"Everything is mine.
• 0:44
  Kathie (2): I'll handle all of it." Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 0:49
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen.
• 0:51
  Kathie (2): I study human patterns under pressure.
• 0:54
  Kathie (2): I pay attention to what happens to us when life gets uncomfortable, when uncertainty enters the room, when someone disagrees with us, when we make a mistake, when someone we love is upset, when something doesn't go according to plan.
• 1:09
  Kathie (2): Because pressure doesn't create problems.
• 1:11
  Kathie (2): Pressure reveals patterns, and today we're talking about one I know very well: the strong man.
• 1:21
  Kathie (2): The strong man represents over-responsibility, and I wanna make something very clear before we go any further.
• 1:28
  Kathie (2): Responsibility is not bad.
• 1:31
  Kathie (2): Responsibility is very powerful.
• 1:34
  Kathie (2): In fact, one of the principles I teach is radical responsibility, but radical responsibility and over-responsibility are not the same thing.
• 1:45
  Kathie (2): Radical responsibility says,"I take responsibility for what belongs to me: my choices, my behavior, my words, my boundaries, my response, my mistakes, my next move." Over-responsibility quietly adds something else:"And I'll take responsibility for yours, too: your feelings, your opinion of me, your disappointment, your reaction, your choices, your comfort, your success, your failure, your perception of me." And suddenly, the strong man is standing in the middle of the circus holding everybody's weights.
• 2:24
  Kathie (2): Think about an old-fashioned circus strongman.
• 2:26
  Kathie (2): Big muscles, huge weights, chest out, everybody is watching.
• 2:31
  Kathie (2): His entire job is to prove,"I can carry this." And that's what makes this pattern tricky, because people applaud the strongman.
• 2:40
  Kathie (2): At work, he is dependable.
• 2:41
  Kathie (2): At home, she's the one everybody calls.
• 2:44
  Kathie (2): In a crisis, they're the person who steps forward.
• 2:47
  Kathie (2): They remember everything.
• 2:48
  Kathie (2): They solve problems.
• 2:49
  Kathie (2): They anticipate needs.
• 2:51
  Kathie (2): They keep things moving.
• 2:52
  Kathie (2): People may even say,"I don't know what we'd do without you." And the strongman hears that and thinks,"Exactly." But there can be something dangerous hiding inside that sentence, because eventually,"I can handle this" can become,"I have to handle this," and those are two very different things.
• 3:16
  Kathie (2): I struggle with this one a lot, and one reason is because I recognize patterns very quickly.
• 3:23
  Kathie (2): I can walk into a room and notice subtle changes.
• 3:26
  Kathie (2): Someone's tone changes.
• 3:28
  Kathie (2): Someone stops making eye contact.
• 3:30
  Kathie (2): Someone gets quiet.
• 3:31
  Kathie (2): Something feels different.
• 3:33
  Kathie (2): I notice.
• 3:34
  Kathie (2): That ability can be incredibly useful, but noticing something does not mean I am responsible for fixing it.
• 3:43
  Kathie (2): That distinction has taken me years to understand, because my old pattern could go something like this.
• 3:51
  Kathie (2): I notice someone is uncomfortable.
• 3:53
  Kathie (2): My brain detects it.
• 3:54
  Kathie (2): Then, instead of simply observing it, I start taking responsibility for it.
• 3:59
  Kathie (2): Did I do something?
• 4:00
  Kathie (2): Should I say something?
• 4:02
  Kathie (2): Do I need to make this better?
• 4:03
  Kathie (2): Are they upset with me?
• 4:05
  Kathie (2): Should I explain myself?
• 4:06
  Kathie (2): How can I fix this?
• 4:08
  Kathie (2): And look at what just happened.
• 4:10
  Kathie (2): I went from observation to obligation, and those are not the same thing This is one of the biggest lessons I have learned.
• 4:22
  Kathie (2): Observation does not create obligation.
• 4:25
  Kathie (2): Just because I can see something doesn't mean I have to carry it.
• 4:31
  Kathie (2): There is another version of strong man that's much harder to recognize.
• 4:35
  Kathie (2): It happens when we become more self-aware.
• 4:38
  Kathie (2): We learn to notice our thoughts.
• 4:40
  Kathie (2): We learn to question our stories.
• 4:42
  Kathie (2): We learn about our own patterns, and that's wonderful.
• 4:47
  Kathie (2): But then we can accidentally turn awareness into another responsibility.
• 4:53
  Kathie (2): Something happens, we feel anxious, then we start analyzing,"Why am I anxious?
• 4:58
  Kathie (2): What story am I telling?
• 5:00
  Kathie (2): Why did I create that story?
• 5:02
  Kathie (2): What pattern is this?
• 5:03
  Kathie (2): Why am I doing this again?
• 5:05
  Kathie (2): What does this say about me?
• 5:07
  Kathie (2): Shouldn't I know better by now?" And suddenly, we've created an entire courtroom inside our own head.
• 5:14
  Kathie (2): We're the defendant, the prosecutor, we're the judge, and somehow we're responsible for solving the whole case.
• 5:22
  Kathie (2): That's not awareness anymore.
• 5:24
  Kathie (2): That is pressure.
• 5:26
  Kathie (2): Sometimes radical responsibility is simply saying,"I notice I'm telling myself a story," period.
• 5:34
  Kathie (2): You don't have to investigate it for three hours.
• 5:36
  Kathie (2): You don't have to solve your entire personality.
• 5:39
  Kathie (2): You don't have to figure out why you became this way before dinner.
• 5:43
  Kathie (2): Sometimes you can just notice the story and let it pass.
• 5:48
  Kathie (2): That's responsibility without punishment.
• 5:52
  Kathie (2): This pattern becomes especially important in leadership.
• 5:57
  Kathie (2): Imagine a founder who built a company from nothing.
• 6:01
  Kathie (2): For years, taking responsibility probably helped that company survive.
• 6:05
  Kathie (2): He made decisions.
• 6:07
  Kathie (2): He solved the problems.
• 6:08
  Kathie (2): He carried the risk.
• 6:09
  Kathie (2): He knew the customers.
• 6:10
  Kathie (2): He understood the product.
• 6:12
  Kathie (2): His willingness to take responsibility may be one reason the company exists.
• 6:18
  Kathie (2): But then the company grows.
• 6:20
  Kathie (2): More people arrive, executives, managers, experts, new ideas.
• 6:24
  Kathie (2): Now the very behavior that once protected the company can begin limiting it because the founder still feels,"I have to hold this." So someone brings a different idea.
• 6:38
  Kathie (2): Instead of hearing,"Here's another perspective," the nervous system may hear,"You're losing control." Disagreement begins to feel dangerous.
• 6:48
  Kathie (2): People stop challenging the leader.
• 6:50
  Kathie (2): They learn which ideas are safe.
• 6:52
  Kathie (2): They learn when to stay quiet.
• 6:54
  Kathie (2): They learn how to read the room, and eventually the leader may believe everyone agrees with him, but agreement and silence are not the same thing.
• 7:05
  Kathie (2): I've watched versions of this happen inside organizations.
• 7:09
  Kathie (2): I've seen leaders become so attached to their own ideas that disagreement carried consequences.
• 7:17
  Kathie (2): And once people learn that disagreement is unsafe, something important disappears, information.
• 7:24
  Kathie (2): People stop telling you what you need to know.
• 7:27
  Kathie (2): That's not just a culture problem.
• 7:29
  Kathie (2): That's an enterprise risk.
• 7:33
  Kathie (2): So there's this pattern, the strong man and perfectionism, and they can work together, and I actually saw my own patterns collide recently.
• 7:42
  Kathie (2): I was speaking in front of a corporate group.
• 7:44
  Kathie (2): I had a role to perform, and I needed to pull something up on my phone.
• 7:49
  Kathie (2): It wasn't working.
• 7:51
  Kathie (2): Now objectively, this was a tiny problem.
• 7:54
  Kathie (2): Someone else could step in.
• 7:55
  Kathie (2): Nobody was in danger.
• 7:57
  Kathie (2): The building wasn't burning down.
• 7:59
  Kathie (2): But internally, oh, the circus was open for business.
• 8:04
  Kathie (2): My juggler showed up first.
• 8:06
  Kathie (2): I had 10 balls in the air.
• 8:08
  Kathie (2): Nine were fine.
• 8:09
  Kathie (2): One dropped.
• 8:11
  Kathie (2): And what did my brain want to stare at?
• 8:13
  Kathie (2): The ball on the floor.
• 8:16
  Kathie (2): Then the strong man walked in.
• 8:18
  Kathie (2): I should be able to do this.
• 8:19
  Kathie (2): This is my responsibility.
• 8:21
  Kathie (2): I need to fix it.
• 8:22
  Kathie (2): But I couldn't fix it quickly enough.
• 8:24
  Kathie (2): Someone else needed to step in, and that was uncomfortable.
• 8:29
  Kathie (2): Why?
• 8:30
  Kathie (2): Because a strong man doesn't just like helping.
• 8:33
  Kathie (2): The strong man can struggle with being helped.
• 8:36
  Kathie (2): That is different.
• 8:38
  Kathie (2): Letting someone else carry the weight can feel vulnerable.
• 8:42
  Kathie (2): Letting somebody else know something you don't know can feel vulnerable.
• 8:46
  Kathie (2): Letting someone else take the role you were supposed to perform can feel vulnerable.
• 8:52
  Kathie (2): But here's what actually happened.
• 8:54
  Kathie (2): Someone stepped in, the task got done, the world kept turning, and that is what non-attachment can look like in real life.
• 9:03
  Kathie (2): Not I don't care, but I don't have to be the one holding this.
• 9:10
  Kathie (2): This is where power, presence, and peace becomes so important.
• 9:14
  Kathie (2): Because the strong man is activated, peace often disappears first.
• 9:19
  Kathie (2): I'm responsible for this.
• 9:20
  Kathie (2): I need to fix this.
• 9:21
  Kathie (2): What are they thinking?
• 9:22
  Kathie (2): What if this goes wrong?
• 9:24
  Kathie (2): What if they're disappointed?
• 9:25
  Kathie (2): What if they don't understand?
• 9:27
  Kathie (2): Now peace is gone.
• 9:30
  Kathie (2): Then power begins to disappear because instead of choosing what belongs to us, we're reacting to everything around us, and eventually we lose presence.
• 9:41
  Kathie (2): We're no longer there.
• 9:43
  Kathie (2): We're inside someone else's head.
• 9:45
  Kathie (2): We're five conversations into the future.
• 9:47
  Kathie (2): We're replaying something from yesterday.
• 9:49
  Kathie (2): We're trying to predict everyone's reaction.
• 9:52
  Kathie (2): We're carrying weights that haven't been handed to us yet.
• 9:56
  Kathie (2): Peace, power, presence.
• 10:00
  Kathie (2): The strong man loses all three when he believes everything belongs to him.
• 10:05
  Kathie (2): That is why radical responsibility is so powerful.
• 10:09
  Kathie (2): It draws a line, not a wall, a line.
• 10:13
  Kathie (2): On this side, my behavior, my choices, my communication, my preparation, my boundaries, my response.
• 10:20
  Kathie (2): On the other side, your thoughts, your emotions, your interpretation, your choices, your reaction, your opinion of me.
• 10:27
  Kathie (2): I can care about what's happening on your side.
• 10:31
  Kathie (2): I can listen.
• 10:32
  Kathie (2): I can have compassion.
• 10:33
  Kathie (2): I can apologize if I caused harm.
• 10:36
  Kathie (2): I can change my behavior when appropriate.
• 10:38
  Kathie (2): But I cannot live on your side of the line.
• 10:41
  Kathie (2): That is not responsibility.
• 10:43
  Kathie (2): That's control disguised as responsibility.
• 10:47
  Kathie (2): And woo, that one can sting because sometimes when we say,"I just want everyone to be okay," what we really mean is,"I need everyone to be okay so I can be okay." That's important information, not something to shame ourselves for.
• 11:04
  Kathie (2): No shame, no condemnation, something to observe.
• 11:09
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment asks the strong man to do something terrifying.
• 11:14
  Kathie (2): Put the weight down, not because you don't care, not because you're weak, not because you're abandoning anyone.
• 11:22
  Kathie (2): Put it down because it isn't yours.
• 11:25
  Kathie (2): Someone may misunderstand you.
• 11:27
  Kathie (2): Can you let them?
• 11:28
  Kathie (2): Someone may be disappointed.
• 11:30
  Kathie (2): Can you allow them to feel disappointment without rushing in to remove it?
• 11:35
  Kathie (2): Someone may disagree with your idea.
• 11:37
  Kathie (2): Can you stay curious?
• 11:39
  Kathie (2): Someone may choose something you wouldn't choose.
• 11:42
  Kathie (2): Can you let them?
• 11:44
  Kathie (2): Someone may struggle.
• 11:45
  Kathie (2): Can you support them without taking over?
• 11:48
  Kathie (2): That is hard, especially for people who are competent, especially for leaders, especially for parents, especially for people who are highly sensitive to patterns around them.
• 12:02
  Kathie (2): I'm pointing to myself.
• 12:04
  Kathie (2): Because you may see the train coming before everybody else does.
• 12:09
  Kathie (2): You may be right, and it still might not be yours to stop.
• 12:14
  Kathie (2): That is non-attachment.
• 12:17
  Kathie (2): And courage is putting the weight down.
• 12:19
  Kathie (2): We usually picture courage as picking up something heavy.
• 12:23
  Kathie (2): I think sometimes courage is the opposite.
• 12:26
  Kathie (2): Courage is putting it down.
• 12:28
  Kathie (2): Courage is saying,"I don't know." Courage is letting someone help.
• 12:32
  Kathie (2): Courage is letting someone disagree.
• 12:35
  Kathie (2): Courage is allowing another adult to experience the consequences of their own choices.
• 12:42
  Kathie (2): Courage is resisting the urge to explain yourself one more time.
• 12:46
  Kathie (2): Courage is noticing somebody's mood and not immediately deciding you caused it.
• 12:52
  Kathie (2): Courage is watching someone solve a problem differently than you would.
• 12:58
  Kathie (2): Courage is allowing the ball to hit the floor and not turning it into a verdict about who you are.
• 13:05
  Kathie (2): That's hard.
• 13:06
  Kathie (2): Trust me.
• 13:08
  Kathie (2): The strong man has spent years building those muscles.
• 13:10
  Kathie (2): He knows how to carry.
• 13:12
  Kathie (2): Now we're asking him to learn something completely different, discernment.
• 13:18
  Kathie (2): What is mine?
• 13:19
  Kathie (2): What isn't?
• 13:21
  Kathie (2): Here's a question to practice this week.
• 13:23
  Kathie (2): The next time you feel pressure building, I want you to ask one simple question,"Is this actually mine to carry?" Not,"Can I fix it?" You probably can.
• 13:36
  Kathie (2): Not,"Do I know what they should do?" You might.
• 13:41
  Kathie (2): Not,"Can I see what's happening?" You probably can.
• 13:46
  Kathie (2): Ask,"Is it mine?" Because capability does not create responsibility.
• 13:54
  Kathie (2): I'm gonna repeat that because I need to hear that again.
• 13:57
  Kathie (2): Capability does not create responsibility.
• 14:01
  Kathie (2): Awareness does not create responsibility.
• 14:04
  Kathie (2): Pattern recognition does not create responsibility.
• 14:07
  Kathie (2): Love does not require over-responsibility, and leadership does not mean carrying everything yourself.
• 14:15
  Kathie (2): Sometimes the most powerful person in the room is the one who knows what to pick up and what to leave on the floor.
• 14:22
  Kathie (2): That is power.
• 14:23
  Kathie (2): That is presence.
• 14:25
  Kathie (2): That is peace.
• 14:26
  Kathie (2): And sometimes that takes a lot of freaking courage.
• 14:32
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen, and thank you for joining me on the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 14:38
  Kathie (2): We have one more episode on the seven patterns, and that is going to be the magician.
• 14:44
  Kathie (2): That will be next week.
• 14:46
  Kathie (2): And I want to leave you with this.
• 14:49
  Kathie (2): I always have a companion blog post that goes with every episode I do.
• 14:54
  Kathie (2): I include it in the show notes if you're listening on the podcast, and I also include it in the description if you're watching on YouTube.
• 15:02
  Kathie (2): And also on YouTube, I include it in the first comment just'cause it's easy to see right there.
• 15:10
  Kathie (2): And it includes bonus resources and more information about all of these different patterns that I study.
• 15:17
  Kathie (2): So remember, pressure reveals the pattern.
• 15:21
  Kathie (2): Observation creates awareness.
• 15:23
  Kathie (2): Awareness creates choice.
• 15:25
  Kathie (2): And choice gives us the opportunity to put down what was never ours to carry