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Transcript

Relationship-Cultivate · Brewing Better Marriages

• 0:13
  I guess I've been looking for you.
• 0:20
  I guess I've been looking for you.
• 0:25
  Welcome to Brewing Better Marriages from T South Dakota with Philip and Debbie Sanders.
• 0:31
  If these podcasts have been a blessing to you, pass it on to others.
• 0:35
  Let us know with an email and also include any questions you might have on the subjects that we cover.
• 0:41
  A word you will hear often is honorable, which means pricely, costly, valuable.
• 0:49
  A word that you will hear often is honorable, which means Honored, esteemed, precious, costly.
• 0:57
  And that is the reason that we're doing this.
• 0:59
  We're combating a spirit of the age, noncommittal attitude.
• 1:04
  Make a commitment to your marriage.
• 1:06
  That's what this is all about.
• 1:08
  We've talked about several things.
• 1:10
  We're not going to go back through them all, but having a marriage God's way has to do with responsibility.
• 1:16
  That gives us accountability.
• 1:18
  And then romance, which God intends us, I mean, I'm a man, she's a woman, he expects us to be romantic about things.
• 1:27
  And then it brings a reward.
• 1:29
  That's what this brings.
• 1:31
  And so last session we had had to deal with having a relationship with God's way.
• 1:38
  And that means that we must learn to communicate.
• 1:41
  What's Proverbs say about that again, Deb?
• 1:44
  Proverbs 18 and 24.
• 1:47
  Proverbs 18, 24 says, a man that hath friends must show himself friendly.
• 1:53
  And that's something that we've got to do in our marriage.
• 1:56
  We've got to be friendly to each other, correct?
• 1:59
  Right.
• 2:00
  Okay.
• 2:00
  And so we talked about how that this communication, we've got to break down the barriers that are there, how that we carry baggage into our marriage.
• 2:09
  Even though your mom and dad didn't communicate the way they should have, that doesn't mean that you can't.
• 2:15
  You can have a relationship with God and have a relationship with your spouse and communicate with her.
• 2:22
  Doesn't have to always be a holler or it doesn't always Now I'm going to tell you, in the beginning of our marriage, our home, we didn't have these truths.
• 2:31
  Um you want to tell about your mom right here and and how that you were going over this with her?
• 2:37
  Mom came to live with us at the onset of dementia after my father passed away.
• 2:42
  And in the beginning of that time, she was still pretty um communicative and understanding, and and I was studying a lot of these um principles and getting this course together, and we were pastoring at the time, and we were teaching it to our couples in our church, and I'd study something and I'd go over it with mom, you know, something that I'd found or the Lord had spoken to me about.
• 3:08
  One day I was telling her some things, and I mean tears just started rolling down her face, and she said, Oh, Debbie.
• 3:15
  She said, if only Dad and I knew some of these things, if someone would have taught us these things and we would have had this opportunity to learn this, maybe things would have been different.
• 3:26
  And you know, there's l things I look back on our mar marriage, that if we would have had this kind of a teaching, maybe we'd had a better relationship in in raising our children at a younger age.
• 3:42
  But I thank God that He's led us into it right now, aren't you?
• 3:45
  Yes.
• 3:46
  Okay.
• 3:46
  We talked about how that men compartmentalize.
• 3:49
  What's that like?
• 3:52
  That's like a waffle.
• 3:54
  And there's all those little different little different compartments, and they're in one at a time.
• 4:01
  Whereas women are like spaghetti.
• 4:06
  So they're in all the compartments all the time.
• 4:10
  Okay.
• 4:11
  Oh, that's cool.
• 4:13
  Okay, how about do we really want to fight all the time?
• 4:17
  No.
• 4:18
  Okay.
• 4:18
  So we've got to look at what?
• 4:21
  The motives of our of our what we're doing.
• 4:24
  If you've got a motive to make her mad constantly, I mean now I I I just have a little issue.
• 4:31
  Is that kind of like being sarcastic?
• 4:33
  No, no, no, no, no, no.
• 4:34
  It's not the same.
• 4:35
  No, the Lord, I feel like that the Lord has placed me on this earth to sanctify certain people.
• 4:41
  Is that right?
• 4:42
  Yeah, with my sarcasm.
• 4:44
  You don't think that?
• 4:45
  No, he should have sent you to another planet.
• 4:50
  But action versus motive.
• 4:52
  We are good willed people.
• 4:54
  We want to live together peacefully.
• 4:57
  We don't want to fuss and fight.
• 5:00
  And so how do we keep that from happening?
• 5:02
  We communicate with each other.
• 5:04
  And we we do what?
• 5:06
  We break down what?
• 5:08
  Barriers.
• 5:09
  Okay.
• 5:10
  Do we build those up sometimes?
• 5:12
  Oh yeah.
• 5:13
  And you know, uh our our um backgrounds, our raising, our our home life when we were young, that's the baggage we carry.
• 5:25
  Dictates a lot of these things to us, and we have to recognize them and deal with them and not be in denial.
• 5:33
  You know, I had a hard time with that because I heard a lot of that growing up.
• 5:38
  Just it was fussing.
• 5:40
  And I and I it it was just natural for me just to fuss because that's how we live.
• 5:46
  Fussing.
• 5:48
  And and I just you know, and I don't want my kids that to be their memories.
• 5:54
  I don't I don't want them because what one generation does in moderation, the next does in excess.
• 6:02
  So we have to break those barriers down.
• 6:04
  How do we do that?
• 6:06
  Well, it takes cultivation.
• 6:08
  Okay, that leads us to the next.
• 6:10
  So cultivating, if you've ever raised a garden or you've been a farmer, then you put that cultivator into the ground and it breaks it up into small, manageable pieces.
• 6:21
  It doesn't mean that you will never have conflict.
• 6:25
  It just means you work toward breaking that barrier down that's there.
• 6:31
  So how do we do this?
• 6:33
  We've got technology with us today.
• 6:36
  Uh I mean, what do we do?
• 6:38
  Well, I'll go into town and I'll get in a text message, and I'm not gonna repeat what it says.
• 6:44
  That's kind of a big thing.
• 6:45
  Tell me more, dear.
• 6:47
  Tell me more.
• 6:48
  And hey, that makes me let me know that he's thinking about me and I'm on his mind, and and in his day, his you know, he's anxious for the time when we're together.
• 7:01
  And I feel the same way.
• 7:02
  So what do I do?
• 7:04
  Well, there's been times he's gone on missions trips and I put little notes in his luggage and uh let him know how much I missed him and how I was looking for him to come at home.
• 7:16
  Doggies.
• 7:17
  And you know, it it's sometimes it's the little things.
• 7:20
  It seems l insignificant, but they mount up and they mean a lot.
• 7:26
  Yes.
• 7:26
  Um I mean, did you get a text today?
• 7:30
  I did.
• 7:30
  What did it say?
• 7:31
  I'm not telling.
• 7:32
  Oh it's personal.
• 7:36
  Okay.
• 7:37
  Is there such a time a thing as me time?
• 7:39
  Oh, I hear that a lot today.
• 7:41
  But I've got to have me time.
• 7:44
  Well, what'd you get married for?
• 7:47
  I mean, I know that's a little straight talk, but that's that's just the way I feel about it.
• 7:54
  When I hear that, I cringe because I'm thinking, okay, they've got some problems in that marriage.
• 8:00
  If all she wants is me time.
• 8:03
  Or all he wants is just guy time.
• 8:06
  Let me just do my thing.
• 8:08
  You see, we men, um we're we're all about stature.
• 8:13
  If I get in on an airplane, I don't sit down beside another man and say, Are you married?
• 8:19
  I hope he'd hit me.
• 8:20
  Because I'm not that kind of guy I d I don't want to marry him or know of his relationship.
• 8:25
  But I start talking about, I ask, What do you do?
• 8:29
  What kind of what kind of work do you do?
• 8:31
  Because I'm about stature.
• 8:33
  But women are all about what?
• 8:35
  Relationships.
• 8:37
  So when I get on an airplane, I'm not asking the lady next to me what she does, but I'll say, Are you married?
• 8:44
  Do you have children?
• 8:45
  Grandchildren.
• 8:46
  So we talk about relationships.
• 8:49
  And of course, who's the one in the family that keeps track of the the birthdays, the anniversaries, the who's the the communicator that that is the one that is all about those relationships?
• 9:02
  It's mom, the wife.
• 9:05
  And cultivating things is like she wants to go shopping, go with her.
• 9:11
  You might just sit in the car, but that's fine.
• 9:15
  Show her that you care.
• 9:16
  You what you're doing is breaking down barriers.
• 9:20
  And if he wants you to what uh go fishing, I did.
• 9:27
  I did one, no, maybe two, three times.
• 9:31
  Or deer, uh, I did go deer hunting once, twice maybe, got in the deer sting.
• 9:37
  Squirrel hunting one time.
• 9:38
  One time, that's why.
• 9:39
  When we were first married, uh would you go?
• 9:42
  Yeah, let's go.
• 9:43
  So we go out there and she sits down.
• 9:45
  She says, sit down here by this tree.
• 9:46
  We sit down by the tree, and it wasn't two minutes, and it was where are they at?
• 9:52
  I said, Be still.
• 9:53
  They've got to be you've got to be still to get them to come out.
• 9:57
  I'm bored.
• 9:59
  So guess what?
• 10:00
  We just went on home, but that's okay.
• 10:02
  When I may I may even ask you, hey, you want to rent the mailbox with me?
• 10:06
  Or hey, you want to go with me to certain places?
• 10:09
  What am I asking for?
• 10:11
  Shoulder time.
• 10:12
  You see, mm I can go fishing with someone and be gone three or four hours.
• 10:17
  And when I come home, she says, Well, did you enjoy that?
• 10:21
  Oh, it's great.
• 10:22
  Well, what'd you guys first question is what, Deb?
• 10:25
  Well, what'd you talk about?
• 10:26
  Because talking is her response.
• 10:29
  Okay, that is the way that she she thinks it should go, okay?
• 10:34
  But we maybe didn't say ten ten words while we were out there.
• 10:39
  Well, maybe more than that.
• 10:40
  We probably in four hours probably talked twenty minutes, maybe thirty.
• 10:44
  But we had shoulder time.
• 10:46
  And so what we men sometimes with you women are looking for is somebody just to go in the truck with us.
• 10:51
  Somebody just ride in the car to go along with us.
• 10:54
  We may not say much, but just go along with us.
• 10:57
  And then women, their release is what talking.
• 11:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 11:02
  And there are times, guys, that you need to come in and when she's had a stressful day, sit down with her.
• 11:08
  Especially when she says, I need to talk.
• 11:12
  And then you look at her and say, Oh, three things.
• 11:14
  You ask, okay, am I in trouble?
• 11:17
  Second of all, do you want me to fix it?
• 11:20
  And thirdly, do you want me just to listen?
• 11:24
  And ninety-five percent of the time it's listen.
• 11:29
  Right.
• 11:30
  And that relieves her.
• 11:32
  It may just be for two minutes.
• 11:33
  It may be for three, it may seem like thirty, but it will just be two or three minutes, okay?
• 11:39
  But listen to her because it's just your nose out of your phone uh or whatever else it is that you uh uh got uh got you occupied and listen.
• 11:50
  Huh.
• 11:52
  Yes, ma'am.
• 11:53
  Yes, ma'am.
• 11:55
  It might take a little discipline, but you can do it.
• 11:57
  It's called cultivation.
• 12:00
  We're cultivating this relationship.
• 12:02
  Text, emails, little notes, etc., things like that.
• 12:07
  And then also, um never sleep apart, you know.
• 12:11
  Uh let not the sun go down on your wrath.
• 12:13
  Get it fixed before you go to bed.
• 12:16
  Right.
• 12:17
  Solve that issue.
• 12:18
  Now I know it's age appropriate, okay?
• 12:21
  As you get older, he snores, she snores, we snore.
• 12:25
  And we've got these issues of aches and pains that cause us to have to possibly go to another bed or some on the couch or in the chair.
• 12:34
  But that's okay.
• 12:35
  All right, but yet cultivate that relationship.
• 12:40
  All right.
• 12:40
  There should be never be an evening that you go to sleep without lastly saying what?
• 12:48
  I love you.
• 12:49
  I love you.
• 12:50
  Okay.
• 12:51
  That's enough.
• 12:52
  We're gonna go to bed.
• 12:53
  And uh hey, we want to say thank you for tuning in again and how much we appreciate it.
• 13:01
  Um listen, if this has been a blessing or a help to you, let us know.
• 13:06
  Drop us an email at what, Deb?
• 13:08
  Sanders Ministries at gmail.com.
• 13:12
  Or go on the website.
• 13:14
  It's www.sanders ministries.org.
• 13:20
  That's sanders dash ministries.org.
• 13:24
  Thanks for tuning in again.
• 13:26
  God bless.