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Understanding Self-Sabotage and How To Stop It · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening when you've chosen to tune in, I want to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Today I wanted to talk about self-sabotage.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: This has been something that has definitely come up a lot in conversation with my clients.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And oftentimes when we look at self-sabotage, it is a way that we are trying to keep ourselves safe.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: But through self-sabotage, we end up keeping ourselves from actually moving forward towards the goals in what we truly want in our lives.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: What we're trying to do through self-sabotage, not necessarily consciously, uh, but there is an element of trying to control the fallout that we perceive might happen or will happen, or we're just trying to keep ourselves safe from any hurt or disappointment that we might face.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: So self-sabotage is almost this covert way that we keep ourselves from actually living into the goals and dreams that we have, keeping ourselves safe through controlling the fallout or what we conceive of as having control of the fallout rather than trying something, going for it, not going the way that we wanted it to, and then having to deal with that back end, uh, the repercussions of that.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Self-sabotaging behaviors are generally unhealthy patterns that do create problems in your in one's day-to-day life and they can cause emotional distress.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Many self-sabotaging behaviors do prevent you from reaching the goals that you've set for yourself.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: They can definitely cause difficulties in relationships.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes I'm talking to my clients about self-sabotaging behaviors in the context of relationships, not just uh romantic relationships, but they can be familial relationships or workplace relationships or just overall social friendships.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: The self-destructive behaviors are often, as I said, unconscious.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes it can be very difficult to recognize or pick up on because they these patterns become normalized.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we're looking at it, what we try to do is look at some of what could be considered common self-sabotage behaviors, such as self-criticism, procrastination, perfectionism, the idea of imposter syndrome, taking on too much, suppressing one's emotions, uh, low self-esteem could be an indicator of uh leaning into self-sabotaging behaviors, uh, not having healthy boundaries, people pleasing, uh being stuck in a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset, uh, overindulgences such as um excessive eating, abusing alcohol or other drugs, maybe even having addictive tendencies like over-exercising.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: So, again, it's important to understand why we might self-sabotage.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: And it's a hard concept sometimes to understand because it's hard to conceptualize that we would actually be keeping ourselves from moving forward.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because what we really want is the best for ourselves.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: We want to live into the best version of ourselves, and and if we talk to many people, they'll say things like, I just want to be happy, I want to do the things that I really want.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: So why would they be self-sabotaging?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: When we think about it, a lot of times a common factor that we see is low self-esteem.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: People who have a low uh self-image of themselves or negative self-image of themselves tend to be more prone to self-sabotage because what happens is self-sabotaging behaviors will stem from that low self-esteem, the deep-rooted beliefs that maybe they're not worthy or not enough.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe they were brought up in those types of dynamics within their familial, uh, the familiar, the familiar uh family origin, or maybe it's just from social norms that they've been around.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but if one's been been brought up believing that they can't achieve certain things, or they don't believe in their own ability, so low self-esteem, low low self-confidence, they might lean into self-sabotaging behaviors.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um another key indicator or key reason why we self-sabotage is because maybe we want to have it that sense of control.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, many of us, especially those of us who are perfectionists or what we would consider type A, there's this need to control.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so some people will use self-sabotaging behaviors as a coping strategy when they don't feel like they are in control.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: So subconsciously, when they self-sabotage, they're in control again of the fallout or of the situation and they're not blindsided by it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: There's also the fear of failure.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Many people, no one really likes to fail.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really know that I, regardless of whether somebody thinks that they're a high achiever, a high performer, I have yet to meet somebody who's like, oh yes, I love to fail.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: No one likes to fail.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: On the contrary, we all have a semblance of wanting to be successful at what we try to do.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: However, some people use this self-sabotaging behavior to protect themselves from that fear of failure or from the deeper rooted fear of abandonment if for if for some reason they fail at something.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: There's this deeper rooted fear that people will leave them if they don't accomplish the things that they've set out to accomplish.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: So an example could be somebody avoiding intimacy in a romantic relationship because there's this deep-rooted fear that the partner will eventually leave them.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so they went engage in self-sabotaging behaviors then.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Signs that you might be self-sabotaging relationships actually include things like holding grudges, uh, not allowing your significant other to have space, uh, trust issues, using gaslighting to gain control in the relationship, focusing on only the negatives of your partner, being overly critical to your partner, avoiding intimacy.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not just talking physical intimacy, emotional intimacy as well.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Uh constantly comparing your partner to other people, not being honest about your feelings or what you really want or need, um, are other examples of how you could be sabotaging in relationships.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do you stop?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: What are some tips on how to stop self-sabotaging, especially in relationships?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, look, learn to recognize your triggers.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes when we can learn to recognize our fears as a trigger, uh we can we can slow it down and and really get curious about that fear and find ways to break the fear down and and figure out ways to work through it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Being honest with yourself and identifying why you're why you're why you're behaving a certain way, as well as being honest about what you're needing and owning up to the idea that it's oh owning up to the fact that you to live in integrity and to keep your word to yourself when you are in a relationship with somebody, it's really important to be able to communicate that to them.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Learning to be honest.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: So this goes into learning to be honest and open with those feelings and needs.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because in an ideal relationship and in a secure relationship, there is mutual trust, you're able to be vulnerable with that other person, and there's that that mutual respect between the two people where they each feel heard.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really important that those things are that we pay attention to those things when in relationship.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, taking responsibility for your actions.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: To learn how to self-sabotage, you need to accept responsibility for your actions that lean into self-sabotaging.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Once you're able to understand what your part in is, your part in the self-sabotaging behavior and actions are, you're able to then make shifts and changes to move from that type of behavior into one that would be more productive for you moving forward.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Truthfully, ending self-sabotage really does require you to be open to recognizing it and being open to shifting how you see things, the thoughts that you're having about it, and then being able, being willing and able to communicate to those that you need to.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Coaching can absolutely help through this process.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Many times it's hard when you're just in it with by yourself to see, to extrapolate, and to see where self-sabotaging behaviors could be stifling you and keeping you stuck.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: So if you ever want to dive into that conversation, feel free to book a call with me at chatwithcomedy.com.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.