Latest / Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic / 58: The Mama Skunk Principle | Why It's Easier to Show Up for Everyone Else Than for Yourself

Transcript

58: The Mama Skunk Principle | Why It's Easier to Show Up for Everyone Else Than for Yourself · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:03
  Tania: Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free.
• 0:10
  Tania: I'm Tania Cervo ni, your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole.
• 0:21
  Tania: Let's jump in.
• 0:27
  Speaker: Hey, friend.
• 0:28
  Speaker: Welcome back to another episode of Banish the Lies.
• 0:30
  Speaker: Today, I have a bit of a funny story.
• 0:33
  Speaker: Last night, I was at my workout class with a few of my workout buddies who I now consider to be great friends, and one of these wonderful women was telling us how she'd been gardening in her yard when she heard a rustling noise behind her She looked over only to discover a skunk way too close for comfort, and in that moment, she did exactly what I would have done.
• 1:00
  Speaker: She freaked out and started running, but not before grabbing her gardening tools, which I found hysterical because I'm pretty sure the skunk wasn't after her tools.
• 1:13
  Speaker: But there's an even funnier part.
• 1:15
  Speaker: As she ran around the back of the house, guess who ran after her?
• 1:20
  Speaker: Uh-huh.
• 1:22
  Speaker: The skunk.
• 1:23
  Speaker: The skunk was literally chasing her, and I had no idea skunks actually did this, and it still makes me laugh picturing my friend running for her life while gripping a bunch of gardening tools.
• 1:35
  Speaker: But beyond the laughter, I became really curious about why this skunk had chased her.
• 1:42
  Speaker: Well, as my friend was rounding the corner of her house, she noticed several baby skunks following their mama, and I thought, "Ah, mystery solved.
• 1:54
  Speaker: She wasn't an attack skunk.
• 1:56
  Speaker: She was a fierce mama skunk protecting her babies." Now, you may be thinking, "Okay, cute story, Tania, but what does a fierce mama skunk have to do with banishing the lies?" So glad you asked.
• 2:10
  Speaker: Here's something you may have noticed if you've listened to this podcast before.
• 2:15
  Speaker: I'm absolutely fascinated by behavior, and when I hear something like this, a cute creature showing exceptional bravery, for example, I get really curious about it.
• 2:28
  Speaker: And the more I thought about this mama skunk, the more I started wondering why we are often capable of showing up in fearless ways for those we love, but not necessarily for ourselves.
• 2:41
  Speaker: I asked that question in my workout class, and another workout bestie said, "I think this would make a good podcast episode." Obviously, I agreed, because I kept wondering, what would life be like if we were all mama skunks?
• 2:57
  Speaker: I mean, seriously, what if we treated ourselves with that same fierce, brave love?
• 3:05
  Speaker: What would change?
• 3:06
  Speaker: I came home that night, and I asked my teenage daughter what she thought life would be like if we acted like mama skunks.
• 3:13
  Speaker: And of course, she looked at me as though an alien had overtaken my body, because I hadn't given her any context for the question.
• 3:21
  Speaker: So then I explained the story, and she said, and I quote, "Well, all I know is you need to pipe down that mama skunk thing, especially when you're with me at the doctor's office." A perfect teenage response.
• 3:36
  Speaker: And what she meant is that I'm notorious for asking a ton of questions when I accompany her to a medical appointment.
• 3:44
  Speaker: I become a fierce advocate.
• 3:47
  Speaker: And what makes that interesting is that I've always struggled to ask questions of authority figures.
• 3:53
  Speaker: I was always shy, always worried about asking a dumb question, or appearing like a hypochondriac, or taking up too much space, or testing someone's patience, or seeming anxious.
• 4:05
  Speaker: But when it comes to my daughter, no question is off limits, and I will take whatever time I can get to find the answers I think we need for her wellbeing.
• 4:15
  Speaker: The contrast there is truly fascinating to me.
• 4:19
  Speaker: So I've been contemplating this phenomenon that I'm now affectionately calling the mama skunk principle.
• 4:28
  Speaker: And what occurred to me is that our fierce little mama skunk, she likely didn't stop to think about whether chasing my friend around the yard looked ridiculous, or whether she had the right to do it, and she certainly didn't ask permission.
• 4:45
  Speaker: And I don't think she had to figure out how to be brave either.
• 4:48
  Speaker: She simply responded to what mattered to her.
• 4:52
  Speaker: And I think that's true of humans too.
• 4:55
  Speaker: It can be much easier to occupy space or to advocate or to care less about how we look when we're trying to help or care for or protect someone we love.
• 5:07
  Speaker: So why is that?
• 5:09
  Speaker: Well, I think whether you're a mom or not, I think we instinctively recognize that kind of behavior as noble.
• 5:18
  Speaker: It's loving, it's selfless, and maybe that's why it feels so natural.
• 5:24
  Speaker: And so the voice in our head says things like, "Oh, yeah, absolutely.
• 5:30
  Speaker: Ask the question.
• 5:31
  Speaker: Keep pushing until you get what you need," or, you know, "My child, my sister, my friend, my whoever deserves an answer." But when it comes to advocating for ourselves, interestingly, the voice often changes.
• 5:46
  Speaker: It sounds more like, "Don't make a fuss.
• 5:49
  Speaker: Don't inconvenience people.
• 5:51
  Speaker: You're probably making a big deal out of nothing." Same person speaking, but different target, which raises a profound Banish the Lies style question Why does our permission space seem to change depending on who we're protecting?
• 6:10
  Speaker: I've been wondering if part of the answer is that certain roles come with built-in permission.
• 6:17
  Speaker: When I advocate for my daughter, I don't have to wonder who I'm being in that moment.
• 6:22
  Speaker: I'm her mom, and that's what moms do.
• 6:25
  Speaker: Same for siblings.
• 6:26
  Speaker: A good sister has your back.
• 6:28
  Speaker: Or a teacher, a good teacher doesn't ask, "Should I advocate for this student?" The identity of mother, of friend, or sister, or teacher allows us to step into something that is, at least to some degree, predefined and powerful.
• 6:47
  Speaker: A good mother protects, a good teacher encourages, a good friend shows up for you.
• 6:54
  Speaker: Those roles come with shared expectations, expectations we generally admire.
• 7:01
  Speaker: But advocating for ourselves can feel quite different.
• 7:06
  Speaker: The role of who we are is not predefined, and what it means to show up for ourselves isn't an archetype that we can easily step into.
• 7:16
  Speaker: We consciously define how we'll be as a mother or a teacher or a friend, but very few of us consciously define who we'll be to ourselves.
• 7:26
  Speaker: I mean, no one ever sat me down and said, "Well, Tania, here's what it means to be a good steward of your own life." And as a result, trying to show up for ourselves can feel uncertain and really uncomfortable.
• 7:39
  Speaker: And it's also easy to worry that when we do attempt it, that we're somehow being self-centered or taking up too much space or inconveniencing someone, or we start to worry how other people may judge us.
• 7:55
  Speaker: Well, a mama skunk doesn't stop and wonder whether other skunks will judge her for hissing or for spraying, for that matter.
• 8:04
  Speaker: She simply responds to what's important to her.
• 8:07
  Speaker: So I wonder, what would it look like to be a mama skunk to ourselves?
• 8:13
  Speaker: Maybe it would mean speaking to ourselves in those anxious moments with the same patience we would offer a frightened child.
• 8:22
  Speaker: Or maybe it would mean protecting our need for space instead of apologizing for it, or saying no without preparing an entire legal defense.
• 8:32
  Speaker: Or asking the doctor every question on our mind because our health matters too.
• 8:38
  Speaker: Or maybe resting before we're completely exhausted.
• 8:42
  Speaker: Ultimately, maybe it means refusing to let our inner critic bully us into thinking we don't deserve to have our own back.
• 8:50
  Speaker: How radical or at least different would that be for many of us?
• 8:57
  Speaker: And listen, I get it.
• 9:00
  Speaker: Most of us were not encouraged to take up more space or to ask for what we need or to require more attention or care or help.
• 9:08
  Speaker: In fact, I'm guessing that many of you, like me, have measured your strength by how little you needed from anyone else.
• 9:16
  Speaker: But I'm beginning to wonder whether we've mistaken self-sufficiency for strength because an independent, self-reliant, possibly exhausted, and overextended version of you isn't who you're designed to be.
• 9:31
  Speaker: And I'm here to say that perhaps it's time to show up for yourself the way you've shown up for others.
• 9:37
  Speaker: And maybe that's my invitation today, to take a look at your life and ask yourself, "Where in my life do I already know how to be brave?
• 9:48
  Speaker: Where do I already know how to protect, encourage, advocate, or love fiercely?" Because I'm guessing you don't need to learn how to do these things.
• 10:00
  Speaker: You simply need to practice doing them for yourself.
• 10:04
  Speaker: And if that feels uncomfortable, perhaps you may wanna borrow a little mama skunk boldness.
• 10:11
  Speaker: I have a feeling she already knows you're capable, and so do I.
• 10:16
  Speaker: Have a beautiful day
• 10:23
  Tania: Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies.
• 10:24
  Tania: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in.
• 10:29
  Tania: And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 10:31
  Tania: Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 10:35
  Tania: I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself.
• 10:40
  Tania: And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.