Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 17: Anxiety After Divorce (Christmas Special)

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Ep 17: Anxiety After Divorce (Christmas Special) · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the magic divorce club podcast.
• 0:05
  This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
• 0:10
  confidence and create
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey,
• 0:16
  I'm the author of How to Divorce Sober and I have helped
• 0:20
  thousands of women to
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
• 0:27
  Please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
• 0:31
  podcast to grow and
• 0:33
  if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
• 0:36
  magicdivorceclub.substack.com
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: for a host of other support tools.
• 0:46
  Hello and welcome to this week's Magic Divorce Club podcast and
• 0:52
  today I wanted to
• 0:52
  talk about anxiety in general because obviously as you're going
• 0:58
  through divorce
• 0:59
  anxiety is something that many of us just sort of exist and
• 1:05
  live with but what I've
• 1:09
  noticed particularly at this time of year once Halloween has
• 1:13
  happened all of a
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: sudden
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  Christmas is upon us so as someone who is navigating
• 1:21
  disconnecting from your family
• 1:25
  unit from your marriage from your relationship from your
• 1:30
  identity as a full-time
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  SPEAKER_00: mum as a wife and
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  SPEAKER_00: This can just send the anxiety that is already in your body,
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  SPEAKER_00: like Christmas I mean,
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: or big events coming up through the roof.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  it can come out in just generally feeling so overwhelmed that
• 1:50
  you don't even know
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  SPEAKER_00: where to start.
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  It can come up in feeling like you're just not good enough and
• 1:57
  really comparing
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  SPEAKER_00: your existence to everybody else around you.
• 2:03
  you could feel really quite financially stretched and panicked
• 2:08
  and it can also
• 2:09
  bring out real like feelings of just loneliness and isolation
• 2:14
  and you know almost
• 2:18
  like pressure to keep yourself isolated because you don't want
• 2:22
  to necessarily
• 2:24
  burden your loved ones or you know your friends about how
• 2:29
  you're feeling so overall
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  SPEAKER_00: it's like
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: this is something that has really come up for me.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I definitely felt the pressure of Christmas prior to splitting up.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I remember I'd written myself a note in January of like,
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: you need to get this shit done in like October,
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: November time,
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  SPEAKER_00: because,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: we used to have the big house and everybody would come to us.
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  SPEAKER_00: We had to host everyone.
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  SPEAKER_00: We had the presents.
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  SPEAKER_00: We had to,
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  SPEAKER_00: Like loads of logistics to think about.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I definitely had it.
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  SPEAKER_00: But there's something about it now that just lands differently.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it's almost like a trauma response.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I can feel it bubbling up as soon as Halloween has passed.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I literally have.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to show you on the video if anybody's there.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's a fucking Christmas tree, guys.
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  I saw it in Sainsbury's and I love the little ones with the
• 3:31
  little things on and I
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  SPEAKER_00: was like,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm just going to get it now because then it's done.
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  I'm like getting home and going wow this is this is a lot this
• 3:41
  is crazy kind of
• 3:42
  behavior in some ways I mean there's people that I've spoken to
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  I went into B&M the
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  other day and the woman in there was like I am already you know
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  I bought everything
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  and I've wrapped it I don't even know what you mean you're just
• 3:54
  starting um and
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  this was just before Halloween so I know there are some of you
• 4:00
  who are like they're
• 4:01
  super organized in the world who are just like I have this
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  already sorted and
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  SPEAKER_00: However,
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  SPEAKER_00: you may,
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  SPEAKER_00: even if you've got everything packed and wrapped and whatever else,
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  SPEAKER_00: still have this bubbling underlying feeling of anxiety.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm just not quite sure what to do with this energy.
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  And as the noise around kind of,
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  you know,
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  Black Friday and the sales and...
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  SPEAKER_00: Just this pressure to get everything, but add a deal.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to miss out.
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  SPEAKER_00: It all just compounds.
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  SPEAKER_00: So this kind of not enough,
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  SPEAKER_00: we haven't done enough pressure is going to just get louder,
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  which is why I really want to focus my energy and in turn
• 4:55
  support you in focusing
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  SPEAKER_00: your energy as we go through this next stage to be like,
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  There are things we can do to control how we're feeling about
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  this and we don't
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  need to necessarily jump on the bandwagon of buying all the
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  stuff because it can be
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  so tempting to just throw money at the problem and then leave
• 5:18
  ourselves in a worse
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  SPEAKER_00: situation in January.
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  So what I wanted to really talk about today as a way of
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  managing this underlying
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  SPEAKER_00: bubbling anxiety of the season,
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  SPEAKER_00: which obviously if you're listening to this in April,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's still relevant.
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  SPEAKER_00: But the theme here is that we're still in autumn right now.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the energy of autumn is this feeling of refinement.
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  SPEAKER_00: So...
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  SPEAKER_00: It's actually governed by the element of metal,
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  which is all about creating space and looking at what you're
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  doing and what changes
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  SPEAKER_00: you can make to make improvements,
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  SPEAKER_00: which is pretty fucking cool energy if you ask me.
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  So what we're talking about here is things like how we regulate
• 6:11
  ourselves,
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  SPEAKER_00: how we can refine the things we do in our day to make us feel better.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know,
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  returning to ourselves and creating space so that we fully
• 6:22
  understand how to manage
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  SPEAKER_00: our energy.
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  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, while everything else is speeding up around us, what can we do
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  SPEAKER_00: to really establish great boundaries going into this winter season.
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  So it's obvious that the nervous system is going to basically
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  treat Christmas as a
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  SPEAKER_00: bit of a threat.
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  SPEAKER_00: We have been through a lot as women,
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: mothers,
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  divorcing people that have gone through the trauma that you are
• 6:55
  currently living
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  SPEAKER_00: in,
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  SPEAKER_00: the overstimulation,
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  SPEAKER_00: the expectations,
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  SPEAKER_00: the money requirements,
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  the amount of co-parenting and extracurricular things you're
• 7:10
  going to have to do
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  SPEAKER_00: with your ex is bound to send your body into a sense of,
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  SPEAKER_00: I am under threat here.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's like that feeling of just high alertness.
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't know about you,
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  but I get it in things like over checking my emails or like
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  going to check things.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like what have I forgotten?
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  SPEAKER_00: That feeling of I've forgotten something.
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  SPEAKER_00: I need to go back in and just double check.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the reality is my body's just going,
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  SPEAKER_00: shit man,
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  SPEAKER_00: Christmas is coming and I have to perform my motherly duties.
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  And be a good friend and be a good girlfriend and look happy
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  and make sure that I
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  do crafty things and have a wholesome time and get all the
• 8:00
  right presents at the
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  SPEAKER_00: right price on this day.
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  SPEAKER_00: God, it's all about you.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's just sending me even more into overwhelm.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we're going to put this down.
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  And what I would love to share with you today is a few really
• 8:15
  great techniques that
• 8:16
  you can do to help you refine the way that you're going to
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  approach Christmas this
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  SPEAKER_00: year,
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  SPEAKER_00: especially if it's the first time you're doing Christmas as a divorcee,
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  SPEAKER_00: as a single mum,
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  SPEAKER_00: as a woman who is no longer married.
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  SPEAKER_00: So coming back to this idea of the metal element,
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  SPEAKER_00: this is about refinement,
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  letting go of things that are no longer serving you and really
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  getting clarity and
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  structure and discernment around what you're going to do into
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  this next season.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the idea is that we are kind of, it's the season for letting go.
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  So the trees let go of their leaves and then all of the leaves
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  then nourish the ground beneath.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's nourishing the roots,
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  SPEAKER_00: like that energy is going down in and they are,
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  SPEAKER_00: during this period of deep rest as we go into Christmas,
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  SPEAKER_00: all of those lessons are being integrated,
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  SPEAKER_00: they're being learnt,
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  SPEAKER_00: they're being,
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  SPEAKER_00: I guess,
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  SPEAKER_00: like,
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  SPEAKER_00: just...
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  SPEAKER_00: really held within the body so that we can go into the new season,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: when we all emerge in spring,
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  SPEAKER_00: almost like with the cocoon,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: we're coming,
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  the butterfly coming out of this cocoon and the cocoon being
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  our lessons that we
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  SPEAKER_00: needed to learn.
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  SPEAKER_00: So what I would love you to do is to have just a little ask of like,
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  What can I do to cut back and simplify and make space for me in
• 10:08
  this period?
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  SPEAKER_00: So it might be, maybe you do just need to go and sort Christmas now.
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  SPEAKER_00: Get the stockings sorted.
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  Get a really clear idea of what the presents are that you're
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  going to buy so that it's done.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then you can just go into the next season really feeling prepared.
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  There's a chance that you still won't because of the pressure
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  of the season.
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  But at least that thing's ticked off so you feel less anxious
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  about that bit.
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  And one of the things that I have decided to really integrate
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  into this next season
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  SPEAKER_00: is a new morning routine.
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  Because I've noticed that as I get more and more anxious,
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  I'll drink more and more coffee.
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  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, me and my friend Katie, we call it a cup of anxiety.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it's literally like I'm waking up and drinking anxiety.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that is not how I want to go into this season.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I am feeling more prepared in terms of getting presents sorted,
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  SPEAKER_00: having an idea of what I'm getting my kids at least.
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  But I don't want that feeling of I need to be enough for my
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  kids and to over
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  SPEAKER_00: deliver to prevent me from actually,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 11:33
  it's two or it's like a month and a half or whatever it is
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  until the end of the
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  SPEAKER_00: year.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want that to be clouded with
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Just constant anxiety.
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  SPEAKER_00: So what I would love to show you is it's called lung nine.
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  SPEAKER_00: And this is, so you know acupuncture.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is,
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  there's loads of points on the body and loads of meridian lines
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  that go throughout
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  SPEAKER_00: the body.
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  SPEAKER_00: So if you're like trying to get pregnant,
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  they would stick needles in a certain place if you're
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  struggling with anxiety
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  they'd stick needles in a different place and so one of these
• 12:07
  points that might be
• 12:09
  used for you if you are in our position maybe struggling with
• 12:14
  asserting your
• 12:15
  boundaries even with yourself um struggling to pick how what
• 12:23
  the truth is for you
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  SPEAKER_00: and how um
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: You want this next period to be.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: This point here is so good for that.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when we combine it with breath work,
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  SPEAKER_00: like just simple breathing,
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  it is going to have such a calming effect on your nervous
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  system and help you
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  SPEAKER_00: connect into things like what your boundaries are going to be.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So it's on the palm side of your hand, just on the wrist.
• 12:51
  And then if you go down your thumb,
• 12:55
  you'll feel that there's a little point just in here.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I will share in the show notes exactly where this point is.
• 13:01
  But it's basically directly underneath the thumb at the
• 13:05
  connection of the wrist.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if you hold this point on the left side,
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  so the left being this governs your inner world and the right
• 13:13
  governs your outer
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: world.
• 13:15
  And all I want you to do when you feel that panic rising is
• 13:20
  hold this earth,
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: it's the earth point.
• 13:23
  So that nurturing,
• 13:25
  nourishing energy of earth comes in to this is a metal point.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I just want you to hold that point,
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: circling around,
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: start on the left side and just taking deep breaths in.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: So you inhale for four and then exhale for six out through your mouth.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do that for a minute on one side and then move to the other side.
• 14:00
  And again,
• 14:01
  just giving it a little wiggle and actually noticing which side
• 14:05
  is more painful.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because it might be that actually you're completely sorted.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe the right side doesn't feel too bad,
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: but you've got this underlying,
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: what have I forgotten feeling?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: So then maybe it's the left side that you need to work on more.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: But just noticing.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then again, on the right side, holding that point.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm finding it harder to find on the right side.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: There it is.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So it's directly under the thumb and you'll feel like a little knobble,
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: like a little round ball and you want to be just below it,
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: pushing up towards the thumb.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: In for four and then out the mouth for six.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice what comes up.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do that for a minute on each side and then maybe just make
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: A little,
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 15:01
  a journaling point of what can I do today to make me feel
• 15:06
  grounded and safe?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or you could even just sit in script.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so happy and grateful that I feel safe and grounded and I am enough.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of thing.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: So something that I have done this week,
• 15:32
  I'm doing an online course at the moment and they're kind of
• 15:35
  teaching you how to
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: use AI a lot more strategically.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so in teaching me how to use ChatGPT better,
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: we looked at creating a morning routine and I am like,
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: why haven't I done this before?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and I get it.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I understand what you're meant to do, but my...
• 15:57
  normal routine is wake up with the kids make them some
• 16:00
  breakfast make myself a
• 16:02
  coffee sit and stare out the window whilst I'm sat next to them
• 16:06
  for maybe like 20
• 16:07
  minutes during which time I probably had two coffees and then
• 16:10
  we all get dressed
• 16:11
  and then I take them on to school the school run takes about an
• 16:15
  hour to an hour and
• 16:15
  a half and then I come home and I'm like I need to recover
• 16:20
  before I can even start
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: work so the the little
• 16:26
  prompt is like create me a 60 minute morning routine and I
• 16:32
  added in for I'm a
• 16:36
  single mum I added in my age I told it kind of like the periods
• 16:42
  of time that I had
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: So the first 15 minutes, I'm basically making breakfast.
• 16:47
  But what could I do from quarter past six to quarter to six
• 16:52
  that would actually be
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: so much more productive than me just sitting and having a coffee,
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: which is going to then add anxiety onto my anxiety?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah,
• 17:04
  I'm going to give you guys some prompts in the show notes that
• 17:06
  you can try out for
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: yourself in ChatGPT and see what it comes up with.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: But mine is...
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to start with a big glass of water.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to do 10 to 15 minutes of gentle yoga.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm a yoga teacher.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know exactly what I need to be doing every morning.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And we're not talking like crazy exercise.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's just waking my body up a little bit.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then the third thing,
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: if I have time and my kids are happy,
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: is I will do maybe 10 minutes of...
• 17:39
  um well five minutes of just calm breathing doing my meditation
• 17:44
  um i work with a
• 17:46
  goddess called marichi so i would sit and do that um mantra for
• 17:52
  maybe it only takes
• 17:53
  about a minute to do that mantra and then just sit in that
• 17:56
  energy and do a little
• 17:58
  bit of um scripting because you guys know i love a bit of a
• 18:02
  manifest in the
• 18:08
  to take my kids to school to oh okay this is how I'm going to
• 18:12
  start my day um with
• 18:14
  intention of feeling much calmer because I've breathed and I've
• 18:17
  moved a little bit
• 18:19
  so I shall report back but already you know I didn't have my
• 18:23
  kids this morning so I
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: could try it out for size um
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And already I feel like I've got so much more done.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like I felt much calmer.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of being like, fuck, what am I going to do?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: I need to do this.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I need to do that.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to write to-do lists in 50 different places.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: I started calm and just settled.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it was really beautiful.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: So give that a little try.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've put the prompts in the show notes so that you can try some of those.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: And...
• 18:57
  You know I want to gently kind of segue into the anxiety around
• 19:04
  co-parenting at
• 19:05
  this time of year because obviously you can control yourself
• 19:09
  but you can't control
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: all the other things that are going on around you.
• 19:17
  So one of the main things that I did through divorce and
• 19:21
  continue to do now is to
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: stay focused on how I want my kids to feel.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I want them to feel loved,
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: surrounded by people who care about them,
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: regardless of how I feel about those people.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: I want my kids to feel loved and safe.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: So when I'm manifesting and scripting, that's what I'm writing.
• 19:50
  and by doing that it kept me calmer and it kept me I guess a
• 19:57
  bit more able to go
• 19:58
  with the flow and not feel quite as triggered if things don't
• 20:01
  quite go to plan and
• 20:05
  you know whatever your chat comes back with around how you can
• 20:10
  start your day to
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: make you know to encourage your body to feel safe and to encourage you to
• 20:16
  go into co-parenting stuff um feeling more regulated feeling
• 20:21
  calmer um less
• 20:23
  triggered by what your ex is doing because you know this first
• 20:27
  time is bound to be
• 20:28
  full of emotions so i want you to be really kind to yourself
• 20:34
  and bear that in mind
• 20:36
  and you know the calmer you are the easier the interactions are
• 20:42
  going to be as um
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: As you go through things like,
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 20:47
  the drop off or having to communicate about what Christmas is
• 20:51
  going to actually
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: look like for you this year.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah,
• 20:56
  keep connected to your breath because the chances are you are
• 21:00
  going to have some
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: difficult conversations.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: They just might be.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: It could be on the one hand, they couldn't care less and that's sad.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or they're fighting...
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Full blown for, you know, the opposite.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: So there is a middle ground.
• 21:20
  And the most important thing is that your kids get their
• 21:23
  presents and feel really
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: great and have a beautiful Christmas despite what's going on.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that you're able to do that for them.
• 21:33
  I know that they are going to feel held and safe by you because
• 21:37
  you are looking
• 21:38
  after yourself and making sure that you're super calm and that
• 21:41
  will just feed into
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: how they feel as well.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you cannot...
• 21:54
  shop or plan your way out of anxiety stuff is just going to
• 22:00
  come up that you cannot
• 22:02
  plan for um but you can control yourself before it's even
• 22:09
  started so creating this
• 22:12
  kind of morning ritual where even if it's just one minute on
• 22:17
  each side of holding
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: that lung nine and being like
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: That is going to do so much for...
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually great for your lungs,
• 22:29
  which is really good for both creating boundaries and
• 22:33
  protecting your immune
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: system.
• 22:37
  You know,
• 22:38
  even just starting there and starting your day with
• 22:40
  intention...
• 22:42
  before you then pour on your cup of anxiety that's my plan
• 22:46
  anyway um and just as a
• 22:50
  little like notice for the group coming up at the end of
• 22:54
  November we are talking
• 22:55
  about co-parenting through divorce with an incredible expert in
• 23:02
  parenting and in
• 23:04
  divorce and she is called Ashley and she's amazing and she's
• 23:08
  going to talk us
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: through kind of
• 23:12
  the best tools and techniques there are for co-parenting for
• 23:17
  creating boundaries
• 23:19
  for staying regulated through any season that is coming up for
• 23:23
  you um and yeah that
• 23:27
  is free for lux members of the magic divorce club um but if you
• 23:32
  would like to come
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: along and you're not a full-blown member
• 23:36
  I'll share the link in the show notes because it's £20 if you
• 23:39
  want to come and
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: you're not a member,
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: if that makes sense.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, my loves, you've got this.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: I have got you.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what's coming up for you.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Please tell me what chat suggests for you in terms of your daily routine.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, just let me know.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here for you.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
• 24:11
  head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
• 24:19
  everything that you
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: need there.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.