Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / JUST JENNIE: Live the Life You Want

Transcript

JUST JENNIE: Live the Life You Want · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: back to I Choose Me. I have been looking forward
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: to this day. Since my I Choose Me hotline debuted,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: we have heard from so many of you. I'm honored
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: that you have reached out for support and encouragement along
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: the way. And while I can't get to all of
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: your calls, I am hoping that by answering some of
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: your questions many of you will feel seen along the way.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: On that note, let's hear from Ashley Miller.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: Hi, Jenny. My name's Ashley Miller. I'm also going through
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: my own kind of I choose me era. I'm in
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: the final stages of divorce and I'm kind of going
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: through this while I was just started anyway. I saw
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: body recomposition journey. I was trying to become the best
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: version of myself inside and out that I can. And
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: I'm just wondering if you had any advice about how
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: to combat the loneliness, how to be a good single
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: parent and be present and stop feeling like this need
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: for this outside validation from men and just how to
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: live your best life with your own happiness.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Well, this is exciting. Let's bring in Ashley now so
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: we can have some girl talk.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: Hi, Ashley. Hi. Thank you for having me.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I'm so happy you called in. I'm so happy you
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: were vulnerable and, you know, shared with us all what
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: you're going through because guess what? We're all going through
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: the same things. And when we can kind of talk
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: it out, don't be nervous. I feel like maybe you're
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: a little nervous. We're just going to chat, you know,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: and us talking about what you're going through and what
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: I've been through, it really opens up people's eyes and
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: I think people feel less alone. So I'm excited to
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: have this conversation with you.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I hope it helps some people.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Yes, exactly. First of all, I don't know if this
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: is the weirdest thing to say, but I'm so excited
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: for you that this is happening. Me too.
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Maybe that wasn't your first reaction to having a divorce, but-
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: I'm glad to hear that you've kind of switched the
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: story and created this whole sort of I choose me
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: resurrection from it.
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's brought me peace. I finally feel like I'm
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: out of limbo, I guess. I was in that stage
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: for so long.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Right. And that does not feel good.
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: No, no, it was awful. Awful. Yeah.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: And you, I'm sure you felt the like physical repercussions
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: of it and just like on the inside, on the outside, mental, physical,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: all of it.
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it really affected my mental health. Physically, I wasn't
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: taking care of myself because I just, I don't know,
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: I felt stuck and miserable and like I didn't know
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: what to do, I guess. And I was scared. Right.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'll just address your question about the loneliness
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: because I can just completely relate to what you described
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: and what you've been through. The loneliness can feel suffocating,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: I know. And it's usually a long, drawn-out process because, yeah,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: divorce is a massive transition in life. And it's really
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: normal to feel lonely while you're navigating it. And you're
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: a single parent, right?
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: Yes. Yes. Wow. We have one daughter.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: One daughter. And she lives with you or she goes
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: back and forth?
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we just started co-parenting. So she's only seven. So
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: she spends four days with me and then four days
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: with her dad.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: How's that going for you?
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: So far, good. Great. I feel good. guilty thinking I
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: kind of like the free time sometimes, but I.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Know that feeling. I know that feeling. You hate it
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: when they leave, but then when they do leave, you're like,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: wait a second, I can do it. Yeah. I can take,
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: actually take care of myself for a change.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, I think she's been handling it really well.
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: She's adapting. Yeah.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's what kids do. And you know, you
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: just have to, Just continue to check in with her
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: and ask her how she's doing. And, you know, hopefully
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: she'll feel comfortable talking to you about it because it's
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: a huge transition for not just you, but for her too,
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: of course.
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: As you kind of make this, you know, your way
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: through this time, you're going to need to focus on
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: making really intentional choices just one day at a time
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: about what do you want? this next chapter of your
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: life to look like. And you've spent, it sounds like
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: you've spent a good amount of it being what you said, miserable, lonely,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: all the darkest feelings.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: And it's, it's not that my ex-husband was a bad person.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: He's a wonderful man, wonderful father. I just, it didn't,
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: I don't know how to explain it. It didn't feel right,
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: I guess, deep down. I felt like this is what
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: the path I needed to go on.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: Well, that's good that you listened to your instincts. They're
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: there to lead you. Took me many years. To finally listen.
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I did what a lot of women do. I
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: think I isolated into my sort of cave of self-pity
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: and guilt and shame and all the feelings. And I
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: just sort of shut out the world. I don't know
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: if you can relate to that.
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: Yes, definitely. It's very isolating, especially when a lot of
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: my mom friends are married and happy. Right. I didn't
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: feel like I had many people to talk to about it.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's the worst feeling.
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm even more happy that we're talking then.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: Me too.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that kind of isolation, I don't recommend that. If
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: you're going through this, you know what I'm talking about.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: And if I could go back and do it again,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: I would absolutely support myself differently. And I would, you know,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: like you said, come to the realization that it's okay
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: to have your alone time. You know, use those hours,
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: those days when your daughter is with her dad to
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: sort of support yourself and continue. Figure out. You've got
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: a lot of thinking to do. You've got a lot
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: of figuring things out to do about your future for
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: the first time probably in a really long time.
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: But now you get to make yourself your top priority
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: and kind of choose the path. And when you think
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: about it, that's really exciting.
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: It is exciting. Change is nerve-wracking, though. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: I think you said in one of your podcasts that
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: you feel like you're a better mom because you take
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: care of yourself.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I mean, yeah.
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I was not a great mom when I was in
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: the depths of the divorce and loneliness and all that,
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: all those feelings and the isolation. I would take my
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: kids to school and then I would go home and
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: eat cupcakes and get back in bed until it was
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: time to pick them up. I was just lost in
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: my misery, you know?
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: That's rough.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: And there comes a point when you're like, okay, enough
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: is enough. I've got to pull myself together. And this
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: might sound crazy, but focusing on gratitude as much as
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: you can, being grateful that this has happened. I know
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: that sounds like weird bullshit.
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: No, it makes sense.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: Good. Yeah. Yeah. I'm grateful I finally had the courage
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: to do what I needed to do.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: I mean, look at that. You just pat yourself on
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: the back for a minute, even though you blew up
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: your life, you know, and you hurt people and disappointed
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: people and, you know, caused yourself all this suffering. You
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: did what you knew in your heart needed to be done.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: And that's like the ultimate I choose me scenario.
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah. It was, it was very difficult to get to
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: this point. I, I would get nauseous all the time,
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: like thinking, how am I going to talk to him
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: about this? How am I going to tell my daughter?
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: It was probably one of the hardest decisions I've had
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: to make in my life.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: What was it that was the final straw for you?
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: What was it that made you say today's the day
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I'm going to step forward and find my voice?
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: I don't know. It was just a lot of little
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: things that just kind of led up to it. We
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: did get separated about five years ago, but then I
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: decided to return because I just mentally wasn't ready to
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: pull the plug. But it's just a lot of little
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: things that led up to it. And I was finally like,
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: I'm going to be more present for my daughter and
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: a better mom if I do this if I do
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: what's right for me.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, because you have the choice. You can wallow
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: in that uncertainty and that limbo, as you called it,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: and probably anger towards yourself for not being brave in
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: your mind or strong enough in your mind to do it.
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: Ultimately, you can live in that dark space. Or you
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: can look at this as a beautiful opportunity, like you said,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: to be a more present mom and to live a
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: life that makes you feel good.
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And I feel more at peace and just, I
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: don't know, energized somehow.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: What stage are you in right now? How's it going?
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: How long has it been? And you said that she
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: just started going to her dad's house. What are you
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: focusing on?
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: Um, well, we're almost through, it's almost finalized. Um, I
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: think it might be next week. Um, so I've just
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: been focusing on getting used to things, adapting, um, you know,
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: helping her through it.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: There's a lot that comes with that too. That's a
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: lot of guilt. Yeah.
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: She told me this morning, she's, her dad's going to
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: pick her up today. Um, And she told me, I
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: wish you and dad weren't breaking up. And I felt
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: so bad.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's the worst.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: I want to, she's like, I want you both in
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: the same house. I felt so bad. And I was like,
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: I know this is difficult, you know, but we're adapting
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: and you're, you have two loving parents and we're going
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: to be a family, even if we're living in separate houses.
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: And I think that helped, hopefully.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Once you get used to it.
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And it's been, I mean, he was angry, but
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: it's been very amicable for the most part. I've been
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: lucky that way. Yeah.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: I mean, very lucky. Yeah. It sounds like you have
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: a great co-parent, so I am really happy for you
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: for that.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: I'm grateful for him.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: So are you journaling? Are you, you know, taking time
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: to like kind of get it all out on paper?
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: I haven't been. I keep thinking about it in my head.
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: I need to just get my journal out and just
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: start writing.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: But is there something in you that's like, I don't
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: want to do that? That seems silly.
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: No, it's not silly. I used to journal all the time.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, good, good.
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I think I stopped for a long time because
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: I was paranoid that somebody would read it, like my husband.
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: Of course. And then I can't be totally honest in
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: it because, yeah, it's not going to be good. Yeah.
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: But I definitely want to get back into it.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good. Having routine, having things that bring you
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: that those little moments of joy are so helpful to
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: like refuel, refill your cup.
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's helped me through this whole process. Just I
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: go out and walk for like two miles or something
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: and just it's very it's calming for the soul.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: I mean, it sounds like you're doing all the right things.
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: I hope so. Thank you.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: What do you think is your biggest struggle right now?
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: Well, like I said in my message, I worry that
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: I'm going to be lonely.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: And now you get to take the adventures that you
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: wanted to take.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: And you know what? You're not doing it alone. You're
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: doing it with your forever best friend.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah. You. Me. Yeah, that's true.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Have you had the chance to really connect with... yourself
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: on that level so that you, so that when in
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: the times when you naturally feel a little lonely or
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: like this is different and you know, all the, all
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: that kind of lost stuff, but have you been able
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: to connect with the little Ashley inside of you that
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: is always there for you?
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: Oh, a little bit. Um, my walks kind of do
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: that for me. Um, and I go and watch the sunset.
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: I take a lot of pictures of it. Um, It just,
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: it feels really good inside to be able to do that.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: You are like a poster child for how to come
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: through a really dark time and come out of it
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: on the other side and really like get to the
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: choosing of yourself. You're doing, you've joined the support groups. You,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: you know, you're reaching out even by leaving this voicemail
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: and coming on the pod. You're putting yourself, you're being
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: vulnerable and that's really what it takes. Yeah. To really
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: honor yourself and love yourself enough to put yourself out
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: there like that, even though it's scary and unfamiliar and
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: you're afraid of the loneliness times that are, you know,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: to come. But maybe if you, you know, continue to
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: reframe it for yourself that you're not alone, you're never alone.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I've got to work on that. That
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: perspective makes a lot of sense. And I listen to
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: a lot of podcasts like yours. And that's really helped
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: kind of inspire me and motivate me to do this.
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: Cause I've been looking for a lot of advice, I guess.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: And it's kind of helped give me the courage to
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: stand up for myself.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: To choose me. Right.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: I mean, you get, you get all that info, the,
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: you know, you download stuff from other people that whether
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: it's a podcast or other people's stories, your support group stories,
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: and then you, and then you just, find the time
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: to sit with yourself, you know, take those walks, the
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: times when you get to really just have your thoughts and, and,
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: you know, sit with them.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. It's very true.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: I'm like I said, in the beginning, I'm very excited
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: for you.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: There's nowhere to go, but up, you know?
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: You've made, you've done the hard part now. It seems
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: like with finding the strength to make the decision, to
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: make the change.
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, change can be scary.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but look what you've done. Look what you've faced
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: and look what you've done. And that should really propel
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: you to say, I'm proud of myself. I love myself
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: because I was brave to do what I knew needed
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: to be done.
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you. And you've done it too. Yeah.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: And it's, you know, you sharing your story with women
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: out there who might be, you know, in a similar situation,
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: you're helping other people. And that should make you feel good.
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: I hope so. Thank you.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: So keep doing what you're doing, lady. I think you're
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: doing great.
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: Thanks. I will.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: And just remember, you're never alone. You've got your best
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: friend for life right there with you.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll remember that.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: Well, I wish you all the best and I'm excited
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: for you. So go get it. You get to live
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: the life you want now and have that wonderful relationship
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: with your daughter without all those conflicting feelings.
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much. That means a lot.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sharing your I Choose Me
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: challenges with all of us. Ashley, you're not alone. And
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: the more we all talk together, the more we can
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: all grow and learn. Listeners, if you have a question
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: you would like to talk through, something that you're dealing
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: with in your life or struggling with, please call the
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: I Choose Me hotline today, 844-5JENNIE. That's 844-553-6643. I love
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: you all, and I'll talk to you soon.