Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep6: Puppet Punchlines/ Jeff Dunham Unleashed 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep6: Puppet Punchlines/ Jeff Dunham Unleashed 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: What are you doing?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_02: Put that damn thing away.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_02: We we left out a couple of the new jokes.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: Put the damn thing away.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's literally wait.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: No, yeah.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to do that.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_02: No, we do it.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: No, we just have to put it away.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_02: Don't you slare your nostrils in the asshole.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'll take you out right here.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: You just listen to me?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: Well, we left out a couple of the new jokes.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: We did?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, hang on a second.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, sound of this.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: There's a good one right there.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, there's the the dunkadunk chick.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: That's you.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_02: That was a good one.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: Do that one.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: Huh?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: Do that one.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: No, I don't want to do that one.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's a good one.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to do it.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: We rehearsed it.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, look, there's two of us up here that make decisions, and one of us does not want to do.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Please?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: Please?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: No man says please to another man.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: All the girls at your house are getting to you.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: You're acting like a chick.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: Will you just do this?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: Oh lord.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: All right, what the hell?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, Jeff, you ever yelled out the wrong name during sex?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: That's not it.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: I want to do this one.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, your wife said you had.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: That was a long time ago.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: I know, she said it was very awkward.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: Hewitt.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: That is not true.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: Still funny as hell.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: Let me ask you a question.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: I'm very happy for the African Americans that they have the Kwanzaa holiday.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, how come there's no all-white holidays?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: Merry Caucasian! Tonight we'll be having our customary Caucasian dinner, meatloaf and tater tots.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: Then we'll be singing our traditional Caucasian songs, Street Bird and Margaritasville.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: Mary Caucasia.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: Hell, you could be the poster child for that holiday.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: Can we talk a little bit more about Christmas?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: So, uh, what did you get your wife?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, mop.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you take the stick out, hey, it's a wig.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: Where are you shopping for your wife?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: At the 99 cent store?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: What'd you get your grandson?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_02: A sponge?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's not a toy.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: It is when you convince him that's sponge lob.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: What did he say to that?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: He said, SpongeBob is not blue with a scour side.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: I said, he is when he has an infection.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: Keith Scrubbin.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Walter, what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, nothing like today.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: No, what do you mean?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you know, they got like computer games and all that.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: We didn't have that stuff.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: No, no.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: Hell, we wanna play tennis.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: We actually went outside and swung a racket.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: None of that wheelie crap.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: And playing the guitar, there were strings, not frickin' colored buttons.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: Hello! Yeah.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: And there were no shoot-em-up games.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: We actually went outside and killed the assholes.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: The drive down here did suck.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, it did.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it's in the four or five, then the five.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: Holy crap! Thank goodness we turn on the radio and listen to the traffic report.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: How much good did that do us?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: None whatso freaking ever! I hate the traffic reports, they're a waste of time.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: Right, let me do the traffic reports.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: I'll save everyone a lot of time and money, alright.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Hey Tina, it's eight o'clock in the morning.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: There's a lot of traffic out there.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: What's going on?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's eight o'clock in the morning.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone left the house at the same time.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: Back to you.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: Call me back at 5.30.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'll tell you the same thing.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_02: Only guess what?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: They're going the other way.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: You know what else pissed me off today?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Trying to use my cell phone having trouble just like the stinking commercials.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: Can you hear me now?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: Holla now.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: No, holla now.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, no, no, no.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: You know what you don't hear in those commercials?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: The other end of the conversation.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: What a piece of shit!
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what cell phone sex is?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: No, can you feel me now?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: Holla now.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: This guy's not getting any of this.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: I've been watching him the whole time this all going no.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just getting buddy, what's your name?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_02: What is your name?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: I'm fucking looking right at you! Aren't I?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: I think so.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: Fix my eyes, asshole! It's hard to talk to somebody if you're not looking right at them.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: I know.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: It's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: You don't know which eye to focus on.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they're done now.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_02: You're sitting there talking to them thinking, oh crap, should I be looking at that eye or that eye?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: Focus you more on.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: What if someone here has a lazy eye?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'll confuse them.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Here I am on her.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Here.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: You know what pesto is?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: Pesto.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: It's the stuff that goes on salad and pizza.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, pesto.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: It's a magician with a hair lip.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: Pipdoo.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: What if so many hair is a hair lip?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: Oh stop it.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: Boy, what if they have a hair lip and a lazy eye?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: They're really gonna make lift up.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: Shut the hell up.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: Damn.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: Waltri, happy to be here.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, Overjoyed! Last week I was lying out of each in Maui and I couldn't decide.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: Geez, should I stay in Hawaii or go to frickin' Santa Ana?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: My God, I can die happy now.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: Fine city.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: I don't give a damn.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: What's wrong with you?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: It's hot as hell outside.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: My skin's all dry and itchy.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: You put me in a sweater.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: Sure as hell not gonna ask you for lotion.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you you don't have to do this.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I could get a real job.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_02: What would you do?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: I want to be a greeter at Walmart.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell's so funny?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: At Walmart, what would be your opening line?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, welcome to Walmart.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_02: Get your shit and get out.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: Have a nice day.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: Anything else wrong?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_02: My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinking joint.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_02: And some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes goes right in the handicapped spot.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_02: He got out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_02: Don't you hate that?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: So I ran his ass over.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: I made an honest man out of him.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: And his mother got out the other side, started swinging her crutches at me.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: Took her out with the door.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: Don't you feel kind of bad?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_02: Oh hell in carpal.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: Good thing the police didn't see you.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_02: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ann.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: You seen some of these guys?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_02: What cops on bicycles?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_02: What's wrong with that?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_02: How intimidating is this?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: All right, Luddy, it's a little Virgin Jean Ging.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: What are they doing?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_02: They arrest somebody.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: All right, in the basket.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, ladies, I don't think that joke.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you can tell the rookie cuffs they got playing cards in their spokes.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Walter and I were talking about our government.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, do you pay attention to politics?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, pay attention, yeah, politics, yeah.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Well, can I can I ask you your opinion on some current issues?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: No, yeah, current issues, okay.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about some things you might be familiar with.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, for example, Bubba J, what is your feeling on gun control?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I know this one.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, if you're drunk and seeing double shoot in the middle.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, what do you think about taxing the 1%?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I don't know.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: I drink whole milk.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: Are you familiar with the term no child left behind?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_02: I think the movie's actually called Home Alone.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: So, what do you think about immigration reform?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_02: Is it bad for me to say I'm kinda on the fence on this one?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_02: All right, what do you think about the Clintons?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: My life says I could never find it.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: No, Hillary Clinton.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: It has a first name.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, it's not the full name sounded like a dinosaur.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_02: Clinton's sword.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_02: Either way, it's fossilized.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: How would you feel about a woman president?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, does Obama want to become a woman?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: I'm all for a woman president just so long as she doesn't start all her stitches with where the hell were you listening?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: But I heard it couldn't be Hillary against Jim.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_02: Either way, we're gonna have a bush in the White House.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: Unless she goes to Brazil.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: I got it.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: I do some of these just for me, you know.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: So another big issue, I'm afraid even to ask this one, um how do you feel about fracking?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: Me and the wife are down about once a month.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm talking about drilling into a hole and hitting gas.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so am I happy?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: You too! Are you alright?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_02: No, I'm drunk, I'm cast.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_02: I have no idea.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_02: Well, have you ever thought about being happy?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, what happened?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: What would happen if you were happy that your show would stop?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_02: You don't want to do this once.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: I think you should try being happy that you're an idiot.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: I call you an idiot and you smile like I gave you cake.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: You want to be in a good mood?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: Not if I look like a moron like you, no, thank you.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: I think you walk like perfect strangers and go, oh hello, how are you?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_02: So that makes mothers hide their children from you.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: You don't think I should be nice to strangers.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_02: You know, even a dog shouldn't have assholes first.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you should try that.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think so.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, there are those little idiot dogs that when they see anyone, they jump all around and then pee on themselves.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: You ever felt like doing that?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_02: That's not gonna happen.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you might not jump all around, but when you get my age, you'll piss on yourself.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm just happy to be here tonight.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_02: Where the hell are we?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_02: Richmond, Virginia.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_02: Just uh one question.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_02: Why are we?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_02: It's a great part of the country.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_02: Not in the winter, holy crap.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_02: I hate being cold.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_02: I even got cold in Vegas last week.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_02: Oh Vegas, yeah, you took your wife there.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, you know, Vegas has become a great vacation spot for families.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, sure.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_02: And they can take the family to Vegas.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_02: Look, Mommy, there's a place with holes like where you used to work.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, what did I do today?
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: I did something fun.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: What I signed up to optimity be an organ donor.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's funny as hell right here.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm getting sick of that guy.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_02: I think all this thing is going to his head.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_02: He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_02: Like what?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_02: He's been dating a goat after.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, an actual goat.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_02: Even got a fake teeth.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, all six of them.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_02: A goat only has two.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: How sick is it that you actually know that?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_02: What are you so lonely now?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: You're checking out barnyard animals?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: You know they're called petting zoos, not heavy petting zoos.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, what's your name?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: Margaret.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: Can we change the subject?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_02: You know, Walter, these people came here to be entertained.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: Not all of them.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: You know where there's a handful of guys sitting out there right now whose wives are like, oh come on, we have to go see the middle-aged dumbass and his dolls.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: And now those guys are sitting out there right now going, son of a bitch.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's a middle-aged dumbass and it's dolls.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: And now you're playing dress up with your dolls.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: When's the tea party, Ken?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_02: Middle-aged dumbass.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_02: Which part of that did you not like the most?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_02: Middle aged or dumbass.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_02: What do you think?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you're only as old as you feel, but dumbass is in the DNA.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_02: You know, speaking of uh age, you're not exactly young anymore.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_02: Hey! Let's think about this for a second.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: When how long have I been in the show?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_02: 24 years.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_02: 24 years! So anybody who might have seen our show 24 years ago, yeah, I look exactly the same.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: You do not.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this show started out young man, old man.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_02: Pretty soon we're gonna be the stinking sunshine boys.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: I used to give you dating and marriage advice.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_02: Not too long from now we're gonna be on stage comparing colonoscopies.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_02: You know, Walter, age is a state of mind.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_02: Not when your ass starts leaking.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, there's a couple of old parts in the front row going, yeah, he's right, Lars.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_02: My ass is leaking, he's right.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: And then after that, you're gonna die.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be on the shelf somewhere.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_02: Well, no more nightly prostate exams.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_02: You know, Walter, technically you're not really Frankenstein.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_02: Well, most people don't realize this, but the monster was the monster, and Frankenstein was actually the doctor.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_02: Well, thank you, Professor Googles too fucking much.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you should you should tweet that.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: How about that?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_02: Then you can tweet, I'm the huge dork.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_02: Frowny face hashtag doneass.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, things that will never get you laid for five hundred Alexander.