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68. The Power of your mind after separation: Sanctuary or Torture Chamber? · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to the Post Separation Abuse Podcast.
0:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Danielle Black, and as always, I'm so glad that you're here.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk about something that often gets overlooked in the post-separation space, and that's the incredible power of the mind.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: Not in the quote, positive vibes only kind of way, which I think sometimes can actually be quite toxic, but in a very real health science-backed nervous system kind of way.
0:37
SPEAKER_00: Because when we're living through the stress of separation, especially when there's been abuse or ongoing safety concerns for our children, our mind can either become our sanctuary or a torture chamber.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: And the difference often comes down to what we do with our thoughts and how we relate to them.
1:01
SPEAKER_00: When we talk about post-separation parenting, there's often so much focus on logistics, communication, strategy.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: You might hear advice like just try to stay calm or just don't react.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: Or keep your focus on the kids.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: And of course, those things matter.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing you can't just will yourself to be calm.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: You can't just be calm because you want to be calm.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: You can't just choose to not react when your body and brain are screaming at you in a heightened state of threat.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: Calm isn't a command that we can give ourselves.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: It's a state of being.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: And it comes from understanding and working with our internal world.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: Our thoughts, our emotions, our body's stress response, they're all part of a feedback loop.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: And when we're caught in fearful or catastrophic thoughts, intrusive thoughts, our body releases stress hormones.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: Our heart rate rises, our breathing changes, and before we know it, we're in survival mode, not logical, rational, strategic mode.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: And certainly not calm.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: That's why learning how to regulate our nervous system, how to calm our emotions, and how to direct our mind is one of the most protective things that we can do for ourselves and also for our children.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: There were plenty of nights in my own journey when I would lie awake, absolutely flooded with worry about my son.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: I would wonder if he was safe.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: Was he waking up in the night wanting me and I wasn't there?
2:59
SPEAKER_00: Was his father actually responding to his needs?
3:03
SPEAKER_00: The not knowing, the powerlessness was mentally, emotionally and psychologically excruciating, and I know that there are so many of you who are listening who understand exactly what I'm talking about.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: Please know I see you.
3:24
SPEAKER_00: I understand only too well what it is that you're dealing with.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: My mind would loop through endless what ifs, and every one of those thoughts made my body react as though the danger was happening right then in that moment.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: I realized something really important.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: My mind could either be my sanctuary or my torture chamber.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: So I started practicing something really simple, just simply to get myself through it.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: But then it became my lifeline.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: I began visualizing my son surrounded by light, the light and protection of my love.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't magical thinking, it was a way to reclaim my mind from the fear.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: Every time the intrusive thought started, I would bring up that image again.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: My son safe, protected in my love, held in something bigger than either of us.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: That visualization didn't change the reality of the situation, but it changed me.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: It helped my nervous system to settle.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: It helped me to go to sleep.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: And it reminded me that I could choose what I focused on, that my thoughts could be an act of love, not an act of fear.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: If you've ever wondered why things like visualization or affirmations can be powerful, there's actually real science behind it.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: Our body and our brain are deeply connected.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: When we imagine something vividly, our brain activates many of the same neural pathways that it would as if that thing were actually happening.
5:09
SPEAKER_00: So when we imagine safety or feeling calm, our body responds as though we are safe and calm.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: This is part of what's known as neuroplasticity, our brain's ability to rewire and adapt through experience.
5:29
SPEAKER_00: And it's also why practices like breath work, grounding techniques, and gentle affirmations are so effective.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: They send signals to our nervous system that we're not in immediate danger, even if life around us still feels unpredictable.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: This is not woo-woo.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: This is your body's natural capacity for self-regulation.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: Something that we can actually nurture intentionally.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: Here are a few simple ways that you can start harnessing the power of your mind today.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: Before responding to a message, pause, take one slow breath in, one slow breath out.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself that you can choose how you respond.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: And the vast majority of things that you will be messaged about are not urgent and do not need to be responded to immediately.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: In most situations, there is time to pause, to consider, to reflect.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: Before a stressful appointment, close your eyes, visualize yourself grounded and calm with your feet steady on the floor.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: At night, if intrusive thoughts come up, visualize your child surrounded by your love.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: The same practice that helped me.
6:51
SPEAKER_00: Or try using affirmations that strengthen your sense of agency.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself that your sense of calm is also your source of strength.
7:03
SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself that your love reaches your child in ways that go beyond words, beyond explanation.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: These aren't just fluffy words, they can be anchors, small daily practices that help you return to a state of steadiness even when everything around you might feel uncertain.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: In the next couple of weeks, I'll be releasing some guided affirmation and relaxation audios, designed especially for protective parents, navigating post-separation challenges.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: They're short, practical, and can be used anytime you need to reset your nervous system or refocus your thoughts.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: And next week's podcast episodes will dive deeper into preparing for your family report and capacity for final trial.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: Two areas where this kind of inner regulation work can make a world of difference.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: Our ability to show up clear, calm, and grounded, even in stressful situations, often starts with the quiet work that we do within ourselves.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are today, I want to leave you with this thought.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: Your mind can be your safest place to return to, your sanctuary, even when everything else feels uncertain.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: It's not about controlling every thought.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: That's not practical.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: Rather, it's about learning to choose the ones that serve you and your children best and choosing better feeling thoughts whenever you can.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, please take care of yourself.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: Thank you again for being here with me today, and I'll look forward to chatting with you again soon.