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Moving From Self-Blame to Self-Compassion · Trauma Free Relationship

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Emotional wounds have two components.
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The first is that we build up protections that prevent us from
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getting hurt again. The 2nd is that we often blame
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some aspect of that hurt on ourselves, and this is
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especially true if we've been hurt by an attachment figure, a
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mother, father, spouse, a friend, an uncle, somebody that
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we know are relatively close to. Today we're going to address the
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second of those aspects, which is how to move from selfblame to
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selfcomassion. Now, don't forget to download
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our free trauma assessment. And if you need help
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implementing any of the resources, be sure to sign up
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for our clarity calls so that we can help you build a plan to get
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you moving in the right direction.
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Welcome to Trauma Free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phil, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started.
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OK, as I mentioned at the opening of the show, we're going
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to talk today about moving from self blame to self compassion.
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Self blame or self criticism or inner critic is a part of wounds
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and a part of interpersonal wounds.
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Attachment wounds, A trauma if you will, can go by a lot of
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different names. But when we have a wound, often
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times some aspect of it is thrown back on ourselves about
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what we could have done different.
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Maybe we deserved that. And it informs often times how
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we see ourselves in relationships moving forward.
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If we have, if we're young and we have a partner cheat on us,
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maybe that that wound informs us that well, we're not good
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looking enough or well, we don't deserve to hold somebody or
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well, people leave. And so there's this self blame
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model that kind of ingrains itself into some of our deeper
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beliefs. I think one of the best ways to
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to talk about this is actually just give you a sort of a short
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allegory that I think encompasses what we're talking
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about pretty well. So he goes like this.
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A man who survived many painful journeys carried a broken
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compass with him. The people were meant to guide
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him. The people who were meant to
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guide him had often misled or abandoned him.
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So when things went wrong, he decided it must be his fault.
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He checked the compass constantly.
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Every wrong turn became proof that he was defective, careless,
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or unworthy. The compass grew heavy not
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because of its weight, but because he never stopped using
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it to blame himself. One day, another traveler said
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that compass didn't break because of you.
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It broke in storms no one can navigate alone.
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And for the first time, the man understood the compass wasn't
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evidence of his failures. It was evidence of what he
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survived. So I, I see this is kind of an
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allegory of, of our wounds through, through trauma, through
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attachment and, and relational trauma that can build up inside
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of us. It's like we carry around this
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compass that's broken and we forget often times how it got
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broken, that it wasn't our fault.
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And yet we keep trying to use this compass to navigate through
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life. And all the compass does is
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remind us of our failures. And that inner critic comes out
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and see, says, see, you're you're at a dead end because
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there's something wrong with you because you don't deserve love
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or you're not good enough or you're not good enough for
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somebody to pay attention to your feelings and see you for
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who you truly are. And we keep looking at this
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broken compass, hoping that one day it's going to just magically
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work. It's going to just magically
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point us in the right direction. It's magically going to heal us
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or put us in a relationship that becomes healing that's
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completely different than the relationship that hurt us.
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But that day never comes because we keep using it as a resource
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to remind us of our failures. And so we want to make sure that
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when we're moving from self blame to self compassion that we
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have the right tools to do that. So how do we, how do we get to a
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place of self blame in the 1st place?
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Well, as I've said, often times it's through some kind of
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interpersonal trauma. It's through some kind of
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attachment wound. And we internalize our aspect of
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that. I shouldn't have been in that
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place. If I hadn't turned down that
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street, I wouldn't have gotten caught up in the violence.
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Or if I had just left two minutes later, or earlier.
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Or if I had never met that person.
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If I had just had my eye on somebody else in that bar.
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Or if I hadn't deceived myself. Or here's another really big
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one. If I had paid attention to the
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red flags inside of me when we first got together, maybe I
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wouldn't have gotten hurt. Maybe I wouldn't feel so stuck,
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maybe I wouldn't be so paralyzed about where I am at this point
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in my relationship. I should have paid more
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attention to those red flags. And so these are the kinds of
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self blame and self criticizing statements that can often take
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hold. And, and they sort of live
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inside of us and, and they come up in various aspects of our
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relationship. And that's because self blame
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often feels safer than acknowledging the unmet
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attachment needs. Let me say that again, because
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that's kind of a, a deep insight here.
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Often times it's easier for us to blame ourselves then to
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acknowledge that our caretakers or our partner actually didn't
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meet our needs because our job is to preserve the relationship.
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And we don't just do that when we're children by adapting to
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whatever the parent needs, even though we're lacking, we're not
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getting what we need as children.
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So we have to adapt in order to maintain that attachment tie
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because our parents are there for survival.
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We don't survive very long without our parents and so we
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will adapt and we do the same thing in our adult
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relationships. We use those same skills often
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times to preserve the relationship.
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The individual that is anxiously attached uses that attachment to
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try to get her needs met or his needs met.
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He will show up extremely anxious.
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He will people please, he will push, he will conjole, he will
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bargain, he will do whatever he needs to do to get the response
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from the partner without realizing that he's sending a
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message to that partner that no matter what they do, it's not
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good enough. They can never show up the right
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way for the for him. They can never respond correctly
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enough. It's never good enough.
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That's not what they're trying to do.
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They're trying to preserve the relationship.
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Or if you're more avoidant in your style of attachment.
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And so you might show up and and shut down as a way to preserve
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the relationship. And when your partner comes at
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you with all of that anxiety and all of that critique and
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criticism, your role is to not make things worse.
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And so it's best just to shut down, not say a word, go inside
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yourself, go to your head and intellectualize it.
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Because in those moments you're trying to figure out how can I
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just avoid this from escalating? And so these protective
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maneuvers, survival strategies, defenses, however you want to
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call them, they are a way to preserve the relationship.
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And, and when we've been hurt when we're younger, whether
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that's, you know, as a child, adolescent, or even in our early
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20s, if we get married too soon, when we get older, we look back
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on that and we might think it's my fault because I didn't see
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the signs or it's my fault because I believe this person
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was going to fix everything for me.
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They said all the right things, they were gorgeous, I was in
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love, but none of that matters. I should have known better.
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I should have known better. So it's really important to
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understand that self blame often times is an attempt to salvage
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the relationship. It is an attempt to be able to
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preserve the tie between you and another person.
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And oftentimes it's much easier to blame yourself than it is to
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look at the other person and say, wow, you really didn't meet
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my needs. You really didn't give me even
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the basics of what I I needed. And this is especially true as
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children. I think it, it absolutely
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applies adult as adults, but it's definitely true as children
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too. Children don't have the capacity
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to look at their caretakers and go, wow, they're kind of screwed
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up. They're they're really not
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providing for me in the best way possible.
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They have no way of conceptualizing that.
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All they know is that my parents are angry with me when I do
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this. So I can't do that anymore.
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My parents are angry with me when I'm too happy.
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They're angry with me when I express sadness.
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They're angry with me. If I'm scared and I'm clinging,
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in order to not provoke their anger, I have to make sure that
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I emotionally adapt to what they need, not them emotionally
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adapting to what I need. And they do that to preserve the
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relationship. We do that as adults too in our
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relationships. It just looks way more subtle
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because we've got, we've got more of our intellect to be able
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to guide us and rationalize and we can project and we can, we
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can do all kinds of different maneuvers to convince us that
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what we're doing is the right thing.
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And This is why it's so important to be in touch with
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our body because oftentimes, regardless of the story we're
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telling ourselves, our body is telling us something is really
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wrong here. Our body is giving us the
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signals that this doesn't feel right.
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And so we have to be able to plug in and pay attention to our
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body. And that's because oftentimes
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through interpersonal or attachment trauma, the
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attachment feels threatening. And so the brain will search for
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A cause, right? And this is part of how our
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nervous system adapts to to not being able to get our needs met.
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And so being able to look for what's what's the issue here?
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What exactly is the problem is, is your way of making sense of
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why your needs aren't getting met in a relationship.
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And so the child makes sense of that was, well, I must be bad.
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They, they say I'm bad, I must be bad, or I must but not be
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deserving of my parents to give me more attention, or I must be
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deserving of rejection by the people that keep me safest in
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the world. And so we often times,
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especially as adults, will then try to use that broken compass
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to guide us through our adult relationships, not recognizing
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that we didn't break the compass in the 1st place, but we're
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still trying to use something that doesn't work.
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So we've got to go and we've got to fix the compass.
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We got to do the work on ourselves by moving out of self
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blame to a place of self compassion.
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One of the first ways we start doing this is we've got to get
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curious when that inner critic takes hold, when we start going
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into a shame spiral and start blaming ourselves, when we move
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into sadness or guilt, we've got to get curious about what is
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happening to us. And so that really is one of the
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first steps of moving away from self blame to self compassion.
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We've got to stop being judgmental about what's
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happening to us and get curious about it.
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And so things like, you know, what's happening to me right
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now, I seem to all of a sudden have a real drop in myself
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esteem or I noticed this voice that came up just a second ago
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that kind of said, you deserve this, you deserve this, You
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don't, you're not measuring up anyway.
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And so what's happening with me right now, instead of judging
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that or instead of just going with it because it feels like,
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well, that's the way I am. It's always just been this way.
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Can I challenge that thought? Can I challenge it by saying,
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huh, wonder where that came from?
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Huh. I wonder why that came up?
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Yeah, I know. I know that's me.
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I know. I've just kind of been like that
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all my life. I know that feels normal, but
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man, can I make it feel abnormal?
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There's there's a term we use called centonic, and basically
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it's just a fancy word that means something feels normal or
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natural. Sometimes these statements that
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we say to ourselves, these inner critic statements, I don't
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measure up. I'm I'm not worthy, I don't
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deserve love. Those are so syntonic, meaning
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there's so much a part of us and the way we see ourselves that we
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don't question them. There's obviously some things
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that are syntonic that are, are really good, right?
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I'm really good at my job. I'm excellent at this.
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I'm a great best friend. You know, there's lots of
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statements that lift us up, that empower us.
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I'm really good at setting boundaries.
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I'm really good at giving and loving to others and being a
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best friend. There's lots of sentonic
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statements that that I don't want you to question because
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they're really good and healthy for you.
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But man, some of these inner critics, some of these that were
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that that the compass was broken years and years ago and you're
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still using it to try to guide you.
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Those are the ones I want you to try to make dystonic meaning.
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I want you to try to get to a place where it's uncomfortable
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to hear yourself say that about yourself.
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It's uncomfortable for you to view yourself that way.
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It's uncomfortable and even painful to be able to have that
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inner critic pop up and say you deserve this.
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And for you do not snap back and go, no, actually I don't deserve
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this. This isn't what I deserve at
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all. And I noticed that what's
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happening right now is I'm trying to preserve the
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relationship at a tremendous cost to me.
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This isn't right. I need to find people that can
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love on me and lift me up. I need to be in a relationship
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that can create a, a, a positive impact on me, not one that
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continues to perpetuate my inner critic.
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So being able to move from self blame to self compassion is a
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little bit about being able to expand that voice inside you and
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make it uncomfortable when it shows up.
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And so being able to get curious and to question that how did my
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system learn to shut down like this?
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How did my system learn to hyperactivate?
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How did my system learn to ping pong back and forth?
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I do notice that sometimes I, you know, I push my partner away
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and I want nothing to do with them.
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And other times I can't, I can't get enough of them.
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I'm really clinging and I need them there.
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And then I get mad if they don't show up just the right way for
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me and I push them away. So, you know, getting curious
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about why does my system respond the way it does And, and why
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does sometimes closeness feel dangerous or why does distance
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feel dangerous? Why can't I be more secure when
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my partner says, hey, I'm going out to have a girls night, I
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will, I'll be home late. All of a sudden that really
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activates my, my attachment and I start getting worried and
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nervous and I start looking at my app to track where where she
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is and so on and so forth. Those are those moments where
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you can stop and say what is happening to me right now?
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What is going on with me? I hate it when I like this.
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I really don't like this. That's a good first step to
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moving from self blame to self compassion, I think.
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I think also being able to make that leap from self blame to
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self compassion is, is, is partly not only making those
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statements uncomfortable, moving from from centonic to dystonic,
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as I mentioned, we, we want those, those statements to be a
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little bit distasteful, almost like you've taste something
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bitter in your mouth. You ever had a, a lemon or
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something that's bitter in your Oh my gosh, that's, that is so
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bitter. I, I want those statements to
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taste bitter to you that when they come up, you go, oh, wow,
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that tastes horrible. I don't like that at all.
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And when that happens, then you can start to replace it and you
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can say, what is it I need in this moment?
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What is it that I would like in this moment from somebody else?
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If I was in, if I was my best friend right now, what would I
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be giving my best friend if I saw them feeling the way I did?
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You know, they need some kind words.
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Then speak kind words to yourself.
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They need some empathy and validation.
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It's OK that this comes up. It's just my past hurt.
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It's just the broken compass. Every once in a while it makes
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an appearance, but I know it's not useful anymore.
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I'm working on fixing it so I can have a better, truer north.
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And so being able to provide yourself, your own sense of self
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compassion. And so the first thing we want
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to do is we want to be able to make those statements
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uncomfortable. We want them to taste bitter in
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our mouth. And then the second thing we
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need to do is we need to replace them with something more healthy
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for ourselves. And that usually is much more
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self compassion and self compassionate statements.
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Something old is being activated.
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I'm not broken. I'm just responding.
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And I noticed in this moment I'm using a broken compass.
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I can, I can respond differently.
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I can go easy on myself. I cannot overanalyze or try to
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further make things worse by piling more shame on top of a
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what feels hurtful, but rather I can acknowledge what's happening
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to me right now and in doing so I can start to build more self
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compassionate statements. And that's part of how we move
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to a more secure type of of attachment.
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Not that we never get triggered again, not that we never pull
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out the old compass, but more importantly is when it does
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happen, when we do notice that, Oh my gosh, I'm using this
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broken compass again. We can set it down and we can
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pick up one that functions much better for us.
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We can use a compass that points to true north and it it, it
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responds back to us in ways that lift us up, that encourages that
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they create more safety and security inside our own body.
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And that has much more compassionate type statements
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that we start telling ourselves. And this is often how healing
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can happen, how we go from self blame to self compassion.
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And so we need to reduce that reactivity.
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We need to make repairs more possible.
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And by repairs, I don't mean with our partner, but I mean
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even repairs within our self Because essentially, and you've
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heard me talk a lot about the rupture repair process on this
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podcast, essentially when you pick up that old compass, you're
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creating a rupture in yourself. You're not acting out of your
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most confident, most healed best self.
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You're now acting out of the the hurt, wounded part of yourself,
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the self blame part. And so when we recognize that we
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need to have that, Oh my gosh, here I go again.
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I'm not doing that. I'm throwing that compass down.
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I'm picking up this other one. OK, here I go.
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I recognize what I did. Now I'm going to start making
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kinder statements to myself. Sometimes those kinder
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statements to yourself are just letting yourself feel what you
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feel in the moment. And I I think that is really
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hard, but extremely important sometimes.
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Self compassion is not judging what you're feeling.
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It's not trying to change it. It's not trying to move you to a
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different place. It is simply letting yourself
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arrive at that emotion and then trying to understand that
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emotion in order to move on from it.
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All emotions come on like a wave.
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They come on slow, they rise, they they hit a peak in their
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strength and then they start to subside.
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I think oftentimes the goal is to let ourselves ride that wave
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without necessarily having to act on it.
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A lot of times when that wave comes on, we feel like we
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immediately have to act on it. And when we do, we immediately
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start to shut down or we immediately start to pressure
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our partner and criticize our partner about what they're doing
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right or wrong, so on and so forth.
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But often times, if we just let ourselves ride that wave and
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just let ourselves arrive there, oh wow, I'm really sensing that
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that some shame is coming on right now.
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I can kind of just feel myself getting flush.
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I can feel myself almost being embarrassed in this moment.
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I'm just going to let myself sit with this for a moment.
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I'm not going to act on it. I'm not going to do anything.
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I'm not going to call attention to it.
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I'm not going to get up and leave.
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I'm just going to let myself arrive at this feeling and then
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I'm going to let it subside. And then I'm just going to try
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to understand what happened afterwards, but in a
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compassionate way. What might have triggered that
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feeling for me? Where did that feeling come
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from? Was that an old compass?
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Oh, yeah. I think it was, you know, when
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my partner said what they said, I think it it what came up for
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me, what just flashed in my mind was years ago when just
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everything I did, I was trying to do to please my partner was
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wrong. And you know, even though we
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didn't work out, I've carried some of those feelings with me.
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And here I am in this new relationship.
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And my partner, I don't even think they were intending to
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criticize me. I think they were just stating
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something that, you know, just making conversation now that I
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look back at it. But wow, here's one of those
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moments where all of a sudden what came up for me was this
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feeling of you're not getting it right again, Tom.
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And so just letting yourself arrive at that emotion can be
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extremely self compassionate. It can be extremely healing just
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to let yourself arrive there, ride that wave, let it hit its
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peak, let it begin to subside. And then oftentimes creating
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more compassionate statements for yourself.
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Hey, it's OK that that happened because that was just your old
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compass coming up. Now that we know what happened,
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we're going to start using this new compass because this new
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compass works. It points us to true north and
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our best self. Thank you so much for listening
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as always, I really appreciate it.
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Feel free to give me any comments when you hear these
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episodes, things you like, don't like, you'd like to hear more
25:37
of. Until then, my name is Tom
25:39
Phillip, and I'm here to remind you to stay grounded, clear, and
25:42
connected.