Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep15: Family Chaos & Comedy/ Surviving the Gathering 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep15: Family Chaos & Comedy/ Surviving the Gathering 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: But CNC black folks, we you know, we we celebrate holidays different.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_04: That's why I call this home for the holidays.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_04: Cause we celebrate holidays different.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_04: We just it ain't no different.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_04: The culture thing, every place, everybody has their way of celebrating holidays.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_04: Like 4th of July.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_04: We call it the 4th.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_04: We don't call it Independence Day.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_04: We don't know the fuck what who got independence shit.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_04: Every time I drive through the doo, I gotta put on two seat belts, put my license and my motherfucking insurance car, and make sure my tags ain't expired and have four white friends riding with me to make it out that bitch safe.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_04: You understand?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_04: Fuck that independence.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_04: We just call it fourth or a day off.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_04: That's all we call it.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_04: We don't celebrate it like that.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_04: We don't even do it the right way.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_04: Shit.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_04: We get we we have a we have a picnic at the at the park.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_04: We don't even do picnic right.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_04: We don't do it right.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_04: Well we do, we just we get down to the pavilion early.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_04: We didn't even get a petition for the pavilion.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_04: We just see a motherfucking pavilion open.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_04: We walk right in that bitch and put our shit up.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_04: White people come through.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_04: Excuse me, do you have Pavilion 19?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_04: My thug ass cousin didn't have shit.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_04: We got here at 6 o'clock with nobody up this motherfucker.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_04: Y'all welcome to cook with us.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, you just have a happy fourth.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_04: It always starts off.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_04: My uncle out there, my big uncle out there cooking, he's grilling that shit, smoking, he got that water splat, got that towel wiping that sweat off back, got them cut-off shots, he cooking, got his Al Green playing and shit.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_04: He just cooking, he tasting meat right off the grill.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_04: Meat 300 fucking degrees.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_04: Put it right in the mouth.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_04: Two more minutes, two more minutes, two more minutes.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_04: Two more minutes, your black ass gonna be in the ambulance.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_04: Fuck wrong with you.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_04: What's your mouth made of?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_04: Asbestos?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_04: What the fuck going on?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_04: And then my auntie, she showed up early.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_04: She out there waiting for she wanna get first dib on the meat.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_04: That big ass out there got a bottle off, spraying mosquitoes and swadding it with a fly swab.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_04: Talking about these mosquitoes keep flying between my legs.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_04: I said, they probably trying to commit suicide.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_04: Hey, why you 68 without no drawers on?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_04: What kind of bullshit is that?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_04: It ain't that damn hot.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_04: I looked between your legs and thought you was sitting on the bulldog.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't know what the fuck that was.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_04: Somebody get Ann Jenny some panties, please.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_04: My Uncle June's out there, he an old player.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_04: You know he grown.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_04: He got on them cut-off shorts with a belt on, and he got on them socks.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_04: This is where you know he's grown, because he got them tube socks on with the stripe all around the top, with some dress shoes on.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_04: Ain't that the best?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_04: Then he got all he got a chest hair right in the middle, but he got a whole bottle of baby powder all over that shit that he doused it like four squirts up in that motherfucker.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_04: He just looks like a white mountain right there in the middle of his damn chest.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_04: And then he got that shark two medallion down there, and then he got all the resident hair bones all bowed up together to make one big ass herring bone.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_04: But he got all them cologne oils on.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_04: He got two cologne or cologne oil combinations, but we got Dracar and Cold Water mixed together.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_04: And mosquitoes flying around his ass like he they Jesus.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_04: And they biting everybody to come near the potato salad.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, damn, that why they ain't biting you, Uncle June?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_04: He said, shit, because I got on skin so soft.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_04: You know, skin so soft is black people bug repelling.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_04: It don't repel it, but it's hard to bite a greasy Negro.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_04: You know, mosquito trying to bite them up.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: Three years old, he almost passed away on us.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_03: He almost lost him on the toilet.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_03: He almost died on the toilet.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_03: Boy, what a way to go right there.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_03: Can you imagine dying on the toilet?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, what do you say to the relatives at the wake to make them feel better?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, that's a tough one there.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_03: Mrs.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_03: Eagerhoff, we're real sorry here about Ed, man.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: That's at least he died doing what he loved, you know.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_03: That's the thing we've leaved.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: We we heard he fought till the bitter end, and that's the thing.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: He he wasn't a quitter, so he got it out, and we're excited, and that's nice.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna light a match tonight and remember him at midnight and literally.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: I read a story one time a fella got bit by a snake sitting on the toilet.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_03: He got interviewed and said, first thing I thought was I need to call animal control.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: That's the first thing he thought.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_03: If I got bit by something, first thing I'd think is, What the hell did I eat last night?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: My food's circling back on me here.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_03: But we almost lost my grandpa.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: He sat on one of them power flush toilets.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: You ever see them energy savers?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_03: You flush it, it's a go like that.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, if you sit on it flush, it'll put a hickey on your hind end, I guarantee.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_03: It will.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: But he sat on there, flushed it, boom, left nut down the drain.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: I ain't telling you.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: True story.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: I wish it wasn't, but that's a true story.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_03: I'm trying to help him out, I'm trying to yank him off that thing right here, and it's stuck in that little tube hole in there.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's like dangum stretch Armstrong like a and finally, it come loose slow motion right in my dangum head.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: It hits me, boom, boom, boom, boom.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_03: It was like them little knockerballs.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: You ever see them little knockerballs?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: Bloodied my dangum nose.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_03: My wife's like, what's going on in here?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: His twig and berries went MMA on is what happened in there.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: I've had it.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, God love him.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: My grandpa was an alcoholic.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: We had a family reunion here a while back.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: We rarely get them, but we finally got everybody paroled at the same time, so he was able to do it.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: My family's on, oh, what in the world?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: Don't even want to talk about them sometimes.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: My brother, he's all stressed out now because he's been reading the papers.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: He thinks he's gonna lose his job to a robot.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't have the heart to tell him if you look in his wife's drawer, he's already lost his job.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_03: It's true.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's true.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: My sister-in-law, she's about four foot ten, two hundred and ninety pounds.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: She used to model decoy stumps down there at Cabela's around a year ago.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: She had her stomach stapled last week.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: Another medically, she's at work and accidentally stapled some papers to her stomach every day.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: But my grandpa's an alcoholic, he's drunk at the reunion.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Grandpa, why you drink so much?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_03: He said, look around, I'm responsible for all this.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Clap if you got crazy family members.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you're not clapping, you are the crazy family member.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: I have a cousin who is a drama queen.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: The whole world is her stage.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: We out to dinner the other night and the server did something.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: My cousin had the table going off.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: When he gets back, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, wait a minute.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: You can't afford to give nobody a piece of your mind.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Matter of fact, you need to go get all the pieces you done gave out.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Bring them back together like Humpty Dumpty.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's what she wanted to do.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Plan a surprise birthday party for my aunt.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: My cousin used this expression I thought was a little odd.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: She said, I hope y'all don't let the cat out the bag.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's a strange expression to me.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because if I saw somebody holding a bag full of cats, the first thing I would think to say is, hey man, you need to let those cats out the bag.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: But why are we so obsessed with cats anyway?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Cat got your tongue?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Look what the cat drug is.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's raining, cats and dogs.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: What up, cat daddy?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: You living like a fat cat.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be a coppy cat.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: You are such a scary cat.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's more than one way.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: Who is skinning cats?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: I guess the dude with the bag full of cats, I don't know.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: And why do they have multiple ways of doing this?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: I guess you gotta find curiosity.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Curiosity helps you kill a cat.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Then you can skin the cat.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Once you let the cat out of the bag.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Now, when I get back to the hotel, I'm gonna take a little cat nap.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm gonna do.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, I just think people don't analyze what they say.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: I think they say odd things, just they just say stuff, talk to dude other things.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like what do people say when they have a good night of sleep?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: What do they say?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Slept like a baby last night.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Don't babies cry and went to bed.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: You nasty.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: I've had a baby.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: He had to change his diaper every morning.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: He slept like a baby last night.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever been in a conversation with somebody in the middle of the conversation?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: They say something like, hey man, can I be honest with you?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's what I thought you were doing the whole time.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's all that make-believe that you was just sharing with me.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was talking to someone earlier this week, he was like, hey man, the weekend's gonna be here before you know it.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I said, no, it's not.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of just got to see family for the first time in almost a year and a half.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: After I was vaccinated, I went to go home, visit my parents, see some other relatives and friends.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I got to have lunch with my 97-year-old great aunt, which is amazing.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, chances are you might have met her.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: She's been around a while, so I assume that's what the applause was.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: She's wonderful.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have the chance to hang out with somebody that has that kind of life experience, you gotta jump on that.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, not literally, you'll crush your bones to dust, but you've gotta seize that opportunity.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's so much family history and life experience in a person like that.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And with a healthy 97-year-old, they're gonna have a confidence that's like aspirational, and you're not gonna see it anywhere else on earth.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: My great aunt walks around all day like she just won an Oscar on top of Mount Everest.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's just her all day long, just unbeatable swagger, oxygen tank.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's her whole deal.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: The hubris comes out in different ways.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: We were out at lunch, we finished the meal, the waiter comes over, he says, Can I interest you in dessert?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have one dessert special to offer.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's a slice of pumpkin pie.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And my great aunt looks him right in the eyes.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Grown man.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And says, We'll have some grapes for the table.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the waiter says, Grapes?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, for the table.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: The waiter walks out of the room, presumably to quit, is what I thought was happening.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, oh boy.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Better go back to law school, like my dad keeps saying.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Comes back two minutes later with three giant bowls of grapes for the table.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: There weren't even grapes on the menu at this restaurant.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Such is the power of 97-year-old self-esteem.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: My great aunt just thought about grapes, said the word grapes, manifested grapes into her life.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And why wouldn't she behave like that?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Why wouldn't she?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: When you're 97, you don't have a lot of time to go a bunch of different places asking for the stuff they advertise.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: When you're 97, you go where people bring you.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: You tell the nice folks they're what you want in your life, and you make it their problem for a while.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just like, oh, dessert?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'd like some grapes for the table, also, stamps, hard candy, batteries, and my cholesterol medication.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 97 and you're my concierge to the universe right now.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: So make it quick, because I have Jeopardy set to DVR, but I don't know what that means, so I have to watch it live.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: The best part of my 2020, which was not a high bar to clear.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: The second best part was remembering I had leftover pizza one time.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: The best part was uh a friend texted me to tell me that she had a sex dream that I appeared in.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty fun.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's exciting, right?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's nice.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Nice to get out of the house.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um even in someone else's imagination.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, did we go to a hotel?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: I forget what those are like.