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[LUXE] Body confidence after Divorce - workshop replay · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this month's Magic Divorce Club workshop.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: And today I wanted to talk about body confidence because we're in that month
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: where everyone's like, let's get bikini ready.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I think
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  SPEAKER_00: the body is one of the things that gets mistreated the most
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  SPEAKER_00: when you're going through divorce.
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  SPEAKER_00: So
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  SPEAKER_00: As women, I think that we talk from really quite early on that we need to ignore our feelings.
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  SPEAKER_00: You might have been told you were oversensitive or you just got this sense
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  SPEAKER_00: that you had to behave in a certain way in order to be safe.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so we have a history anyway of diminishing, diminishing our own experiences.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like, for example, I didn't know anything about my own cycle until I got divorced.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I'm in my late thirties and I'm like, a friend said, when are you due on?
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  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't fucking know, like soon, could be any time.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it got me to thinking like, how have I got to this age and had two children?
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  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know a thing about my own cycle.
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  SPEAKER_00: So that led me down an interesting path of,
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  SPEAKER_00: like, I read a great book called Period Power by Maisie Hill.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that got me starting to really notice how I feel
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  SPEAKER_00: and how utterly mind-blowing it is being a woman on a monthly basis,
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  SPEAKER_00: like the ebbs and the flows.
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  SPEAKER_00: And with it came a certain amount of...
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  SPEAKER_00: What's the word?
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  SPEAKER_00: Like comfort,
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  SPEAKER_00: knowing it's just today potentially and not necessarily tomorrow anyway,
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  SPEAKER_00: but that's an aside.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're also taught to squash our own intuition.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like I think the motherhood journey can be quite fraught
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  SPEAKER_00: with feeling like this doesn't feel right instinctively,
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  SPEAKER_00: but their experts are telling me to do something else.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think we often are encouraged to do things that we don't want to do and things
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  SPEAKER_00: that make us feel uncomfortable.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're taught the whole thing about hysterical women and oversensitive women.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we're like, don't want to be one of those.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, the whole 90s was about like, we've got to be up for it.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to do whatever we want.
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  SPEAKER_00: But also, could you clean the house and do all of the child rearing and all that kind of stuff?
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  SPEAKER_00: We hear about women who are a nightmare.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know,
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  SPEAKER_00: if you've started dating since you've split up with your ex,
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  SPEAKER_00: you'll know that it's rife with men going on about what a nightmare their ex is.
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  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, we basically don't want to be one of them.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we learn to mask our feelings.
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  SPEAKER_00: We learn to gaslight ourselves and
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  SPEAKER_00: to generally just think there just must be something wrong with
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  SPEAKER_00: the way I'm doing things.
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  SPEAKER_00: And what I found with divorce is that it did something to my body that kind
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  SPEAKER_00: of compounded all of that other stuff that I didn't even know was going on.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's just going on in the background.
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  SPEAKER_00: And you'll have your own experiences of this in different ways as well.
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  SPEAKER_00: And
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  SPEAKER_00: I got to the point where I'm just disassociated from my body.
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  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know how I felt.
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  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what I needed.
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  SPEAKER_00: I would have panic attacks.
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  SPEAKER_00: I would inadvertently punish myself in different ways.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the only thing I could control was my body.
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  SPEAKER_00: So it would be like,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm either eating too much,
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  SPEAKER_00: not eating enough,
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  SPEAKER_00: trying to do self-care,
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  SPEAKER_00: but always feeling a little bit guilty, like all of these things.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just seemed to really come to the forefront whilst going through divorce,
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  SPEAKER_00: whilst I'm trying to find my voice, whilst I'm trying to advocate for my needs.
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  SPEAKER_00: It all just sort of bubbled up and spilled over.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I'm one of those hysterical women.
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  SPEAKER_00: When the reality is, no, no.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's just that my nervous system had got to the point where it had been squashed
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  SPEAKER_00: so much, it had to come out somehow.
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  SPEAKER_00: And so what I want to share today is a practice that really helped me to learn how
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  SPEAKER_00: to be in my body again.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying that it's perfect now, but it's a practice, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: We practice doing these things and then over time it has become easier
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  SPEAKER_00: and I have been able to be kinder to myself.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like understanding what compassion even meant was mind blowing for me,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: going through therapy and everyone talks about,
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  SPEAKER_00: you've got to be kind to yourself, you've got to be this.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about.
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  SPEAKER_00: I am.
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  SPEAKER_00: I go and get my nails done.
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  SPEAKER_00: And like, bullshit like that, when actually it's like, it's so much more than that.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it's the thing that we often leaned on our ex to provide for us.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh,
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  SPEAKER_00: if they could just do this little kind thing,
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  SPEAKER_00: it means that I'm enough, but we can't even do it for ourselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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  SPEAKER_00: So yes,
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  SPEAKER_00: what I would like to share today is the practice that helped me to re-engage with
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  SPEAKER_00: the parts of my body instead of just disassociating with them or trying
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  SPEAKER_00: to push them away,
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  SPEAKER_00: trying to shove them away and I know some of you will have experienced that and
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  SPEAKER_00: In this practice,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm hoping it will start to build that rapport again and
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  SPEAKER_00: to help us hear what our bodies are trying to say,
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  SPEAKER_00: what they're trying to tell us when these things happen.
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  SPEAKER_00: So...
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  SPEAKER_00: If you could get a pen and a paper,
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  SPEAKER_00: apologies for not saying that at the beginning,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry,
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  SPEAKER_00: get a drink,
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  SPEAKER_00: get a pen, get a piece of paper, I will mop my sweaty brow, now Joy knows.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the first thing we will do is just have a little check-in,
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  SPEAKER_00: see what's going on, see how we feel.
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  SPEAKER_00: You good?
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  SPEAKER_00: Great.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just going to say a few little journaling prompts and see what comes up.
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  SPEAKER_00: Don't overthink it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just see what comes out of your pen.
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  SPEAKER_00: So a bit of free writing.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if you're really into a question or not, I ask another one.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feel free to just stay with what you're doing.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
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  SPEAKER_00: And obviously it's recorded.
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  SPEAKER_00: So you can come back anytime to do this.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you get a new sensation, you're like, I don't know what that is.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is the perfect practice to come back to and do the questions again and see what comes out.
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  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing I've got is how has your relationship with your body changed
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  SPEAKER_00: since your separation?
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  SPEAKER_00: So how are you feeling about your body?
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll say it one more time.
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  SPEAKER_00: How has your relationship with your body changed since your separation?
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  SPEAKER_00: If anything comes through and you're like,
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: oh, I want to share that, feel free to put it in the chat.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I would love to hear it too.
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  SPEAKER_00: So one of mine that came through was,
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  SPEAKER_00: I had a bit of an obsession with trying to look amazing so that he would be like,
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  SPEAKER_00: oh, look what I'm missing, as an example.
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  SPEAKER_00: Is there a part of your body that you've been at war with?
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  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Lucinda.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're just going through some journaling prompts.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I've done a little introduction into what we're doing and now we're answering
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  SPEAKER_00: a few questions.
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  SPEAKER_00: So the first question was, how has your relationship with your body changed since separation?
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  SPEAKER_00: And now the next one is, is there a part of your body you've been at war with?
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  SPEAKER_00: What does that war feel like?
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  SPEAKER_00: What does that war feel like?
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  SPEAKER_00: Have you had any physical symptoms?
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  SPEAKER_00: So it might be pain or tension or illness.
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  SPEAKER_00: And has it got worse since you've started your separation?
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  SPEAKER_00: So an example for me is I always have a lingering pain in the left side
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  SPEAKER_00: of this trap muscle here.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I've done loads of meditations with it in the past.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it's been things like self-belief talk.
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  SPEAKER_00: So things that I believe to be true about me has come through when I've spent time with it.
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  SPEAKER_00: But I think it's come to be more around like hypervigilance and trying to do it all on my own.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's when it gets worse and I can feel it like up in my jaw and down the side of my neck.
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  SPEAKER_00: So that would be an example of that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Even now I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna give that a little roll.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then finally, what would it feel like to be at home in your body again?
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  SPEAKER_00: And this comes from,
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  SPEAKER_00: I did a podcast a few weeks ago with a lady called Anna who works with scarring,
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  SPEAKER_00: don't know if you guys heard it but it was fascinating,
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  SPEAKER_00: like I highly recommend you go back to that so I'll share it in the show notes.
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  SPEAKER_00: But it's like these parts of our bodies where we really do disassociate.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh,
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  SPEAKER_00: I feel so similar to the scarrings that you get when you're going through divorce.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then she talked about how when you work with these scars,
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  SPEAKER_00: you work with these parts of your body that you're rejecting,
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  SPEAKER_00: that you can start to really feel at home again in your body.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, yeah, that's a beautiful concept.
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  SPEAKER_00: So what was it?
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  SPEAKER_00: What would it feel like to be at home or at home in your body?
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  SPEAKER_00: If anybody wants to share anything about what it would feel like,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to hear what comes up for you.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just pop it in the chat.
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  SPEAKER_00: I've put things like safe,
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  SPEAKER_00: trusting,
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  SPEAKER_00: content,
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  SPEAKER_00: playful,
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  SPEAKER_00: and light.
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  SPEAKER_00: Oh, gorgeous.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we've got, I've never felt at home in my body, but I've put quiet, calm and still.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's nice.
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  SPEAKER_00: Does it feel like it's not still at the moment?
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  SPEAKER_00: Being at home in my body would feel peaceful, like recently swimming in a lake.
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  SPEAKER_00: Oh
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  SPEAKER_00: Like when you sink into cold water and at first it's like,
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  SPEAKER_00: and then you suddenly get that letdown of like, ah, okay, I'm all right.
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  SPEAKER_00: So being in water, I love that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
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  SPEAKER_00: So having read through that, just have a moment and see if you get any
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  SPEAKER_00: Inkling, even just from what we've done there, of what your body needs from you right now.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds like you need more time and water.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: It is so nice.
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  SPEAKER_00: I went to meet some friends on Monday morning at the Colour Coats
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  SPEAKER_00: and I always dread it because I haven't been in for a while
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  SPEAKER_00: and I'm like it's gonna be really cold and I'm gonna be miserable and then I get in
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  SPEAKER_00: and I'm like
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously on the days when it's windy and raining it's not quite so fun,
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  SPEAKER_00: but on Monday it was just peaceful, sunny, gorgeous.
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  SPEAKER_00: Good, I'm glad you're going on Saturday.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so did you get any insights in terms of anything you know you need to do for your body?
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  SPEAKER_00: Out of interest.
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  SPEAKER_00: If not, that's absolutely fine.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to go into a practice now.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And what I plan to do with this is turning it into an audio meditation,
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  SPEAKER_00: which I'll add to the workshop when it goes live so that you can take that bit
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  SPEAKER_00: and use it again.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I'll give you a moment to get yourself comfortable.