Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #783 Developing Yourself or Finding Yourself?

Transcript

#783 Developing Yourself or Finding Yourself? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just once answers. Now I've
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: realized I'm not lost at all. I just stopped giving
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  Speaker 2: time to myself a long time ago. It's time to
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  Speaker 2: rediscover things I once knew but have forgotten. It is
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: in the asking that I am found and now here's
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  Speaker 2: the stars of our show.
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  Speaker 1: My Mom and Dad Parental Guidance. Episode three is back
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  Speaker 1: on the Telly tonight on Channel nine seven thirty. I
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  Speaker 1: can't wait to talk about it tomorrow, Kylie. For those
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  Speaker 1: of you who have not watched it and are in
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  Speaker 1: Australia and can therefore access it, episodes one and two
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  Speaker 1: are available on the nine Now app, and episode three
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  Speaker 1: happens tonight with a really big moment. I can't say
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  Speaker 1: much except tomorrow we're going to have a big conversation
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  Speaker 1: about emotion coaching. That's that's really the thing that we're
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  Speaker 1: going to be talking about. I can't wait for this, Kylie. Today,
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  Speaker 1: I've asked you to take over the podcast. Every month,
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  Speaker 1: I had an article for our Happy Family's premium members.
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  Speaker 1: You talk about being a mum and how we can
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  Speaker 1: find joy in our lives and on today's podcast, I
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  Speaker 1: want you to read what you wrote for our Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families members last month for two reasons. Number one, I
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  Speaker 1: think everyone should hear it. A number two, if people
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  Speaker 1: want more of this, then I think they should know
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  Speaker 1: where they can get it, which is in our Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families premium membership. But what you wrote was so.
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  Speaker 2: Good what's called lost and found. It was a beautiful
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  Speaker 2: autumn morning, even though my time with the kids before
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  Speaker 2: school had left me feeling frazzled. Fragments of light shattered
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  Speaker 2: the water's surface, with just the hint of a breeze
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  Speaker 2: brushing against my skin. As I scanned the periphery of
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  Speaker 2: the area where I was waiting for my friend, She
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  Speaker 2: was tucked up cozily into one of the backed bench
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  Speaker 2: seats down by the lookout. As I took my place
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  Speaker 2: next to her, I instantly felt an unexpressed but tangible
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  Speaker 2: permission to drop my load, just for a few moments.
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  Speaker 2: It started with an audible and heavy weighted sigh. It's
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  Speaker 2: been such a crappy week this week, with justin a way.
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  Speaker 2: The weight of doing it all alone is exhausting. And
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  Speaker 2: what's so frustrating is I've done such a great job
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  Speaker 2: at holding up the fort all week, but today it's
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  Speaker 2: too heavy to carry on my own. I just miss
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  Speaker 2: him so much, the kids miss him, and I haven't
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  Speaker 2: had a moment to myself all week. I just can't
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  Speaker 2: do it all. I hear you. It's been a really
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  Speaker 2: hard week, really hard, my friend said, And that's when
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  Speaker 2: I noticed the tear is flowing freely now behind her sonnies.
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  Speaker 2: It's amazing how being vulnerable with others allows them to
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  Speaker 2: let down their guard as well. And for a few
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  Speaker 2: not so brief moments in time, I let my friend
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  Speaker 2: drop her bundle, the one that's weighed her down all
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  Speaker 2: week and left her feeling like she just might drown
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  Speaker 2: in it all. As she started to open up more
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  Speaker 2: and more, it wasn't one big thing, it was one
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  Speaker 2: hundred little things that all added to a load. But then,
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  Speaker 2: almost out of nowhere, she shared her deepest, darkest hurt.
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  Speaker 2: I don't even know who I am anymore. I used
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  Speaker 2: to love art, going to the gym with my friends,
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  Speaker 2: but then the kids came along, and slowly, over time,
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  Speaker 2: being a mum and wife consumed me. I don't even
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  Speaker 2: know what I like, what lights me up? What is
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  Speaker 2: wrong with me. I have such a blessed life. My
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  Speaker 2: kids are amazing, my husband is attentive, but I just
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  Speaker 2: feel so lost. My friend is not alone. In fact,
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  Speaker 2: it's a conversation I've held with so many of my
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  Speaker 2: friends and acquaintances over the past year or more, and
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  Speaker 2: I've found myself feeling similarly in recent times. Whenever I
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  Speaker 2: have these thoughts, I recall the movie Runaway Bride. Julia
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  Speaker 2: Roberts plays a woman Maggie, who has left multiple suitors
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  Speaker 2: literally standing at the altar as she clashes with the
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  Speaker 2: journalist doing a story on her habit of accepting marriage
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  Speaker 2: proposals and then running away from them. Maggie realizes that
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  Speaker 2: she has spent a lifetime pleasing others instead of becoming
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  Speaker 2: her own person. Now she has no idea which version
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  Speaker 2: of herself is the real her. Some serious sleuthing on
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  Speaker 2: the part of the reporter leads to an exchange between them.
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  Speaker 2: Here's what happens in the movie. We're so nice and
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  Speaker 2: even know what kind of eggs You're like, yes, yes,
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  Speaker 2: that's right.
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  Speaker 1: We appreciate you. Want to scramble with a deadhead. It
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  Speaker 1: was fried with the other guy, the bug guy. It
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  Speaker 1: was poached now it's like, oh, egg quite only, thank
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  Speaker 1: you very much. That is called a change in your mind. No,
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  Speaker 1: that's called not having a mind of your own. Maggie,
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  Speaker 1: what are you doing?
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  Speaker 2: Soon we see Maggie in the kitchen, cooking eggs every
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  Speaker 2: which way to see how she likes them cooked. It
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  Speaker 2: is that scene that gave me some inspiration. As I
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  Speaker 2: said in the Uncomfortable Place recently, asking the same questions
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  Speaker 2: my friend was now posing to me, who am I?
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  Speaker 2: And what lights me up? As I sat with my
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  Speaker 2: friend and that hard plays on that beautiful autumn day,
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  Speaker 2: both feeling the weight of the world on our shoulders,
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  Speaker 2: we talked about three things we could both do to
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  Speaker 2: help us rediscover the light we had once both experienced
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  Speaker 2: in different ways but feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe
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  Speaker 2: I was channeling my inner doctor justin Maybe not, but
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  Speaker 2: we both felt a lot better at the end of
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  Speaker 2: the conversation. Number One, feel the fear, do it anyway.
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  Speaker 2: We could talk about this one all day. There are
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  Speaker 2: so many scripts that we have carried with us, some
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  Speaker 2: programmed into us from birth, some we have acquired through
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  Speaker 2: our own experiences. Things like I'm not very good at art,
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  Speaker 2: I hate the gym, I don't eat avocados. Or maybe
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  Speaker 2: it's that I'm no good at making new friends. I'm
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  Speaker 2: not a public speaker. I could never do dot dot
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  Speaker 2: dot fill in the blanks. But just because we think
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  Speaker 2: those thoughts, it doesn't make them true. Set yourself a
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  Speaker 2: goal to try something new every day, once a week
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  Speaker 2: or month. It doesn't matter the frequency, It's more about
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  Speaker 2: the intention behind it. You'll never discover what lights you
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  Speaker 2: up by sitting on the couch. For me, right now,
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  Speaker 2: I'm focused on the things I've always been too afraid
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  Speaker 2: to try because I might look silly. I've signed up
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  Speaker 2: for pilates and art classes. Number two, make time for friends.
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  Speaker 2: I get it. Being a mom is a full time
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  Speaker 2: job and then some. And for those of you working
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  Speaker 2: mums and single mums, I applaud you. This is a
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  Speaker 2: tough gig. We can easily be swallowed up in all
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  Speaker 2: that needs to be done just so home life functions.
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  Speaker 2: Then we don't give ourselves permission to be with the
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  Speaker 2: people who light us up. And if you don't feel
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  Speaker 2: like you have anyone who does it for you right now,
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  Speaker 2: start small, make a connection and grow from there. A
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  Speaker 2: year ago, when we moved I knew no one, but
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  Speaker 2: I asked a lady I had just met if she
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  Speaker 2: was keen to go walking once a week and show corror.
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  Speaker 2: She said, yes, We've been walking ever since. Number three.
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  Speaker 2: Move your body justin keeps banging this drama our home.
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  Speaker 2: Research suggests time and time again that moving our bodies
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  Speaker 2: has more positive impact on us psychologically than speaking with
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  Speaker 2: a therapist or even medication. It's so powerful. Imagine the
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  Speaker 2: positive impact you would get if you applied all three
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  Speaker 2: together and found a friend who was open to trying
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  Speaker 2: something new with you while you both moved your bodies.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes we can find ourselves feeling a little lost, maybe stark,
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  Speaker 2: and in some cases, feeling like we have no control
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  Speaker 2: over our circumstances. The weight of that can be all consuming,
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  Speaker 2: But no matter how insignificant it may seem, don't underestimate
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  Speaker 2: the power of change. Challenging the way we see things
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  Speaker 2: can feel daunting at first, but it can also open
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  Speaker 2: our eyes to the light. Your light. Who am I?
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  Speaker 2: I am a woman who will no longer hold herself
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  Speaker 2: back because I'm too scared to try something new in
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  Speaker 2: case I fail. It is in the trying that I
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  Speaker 2: am learning what lights me up and I like what
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  Speaker 2: I'm discovering. I have realized I'm not lost at all.
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  Speaker 2: I just stopped giving time to myself a long time ago.
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  Speaker 2: It's time to rediscover things I once knew but have forgotten.
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  Speaker 2: It is in the asking that I am found.
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  Speaker 1: Every month you have the opportunity to share I guess
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  Speaker 1: a bit of your heart, but certainly a whole lot
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  Speaker 1: of your mind when it comes to what's going on.
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  Speaker 1: And when you wrote that article, it struck me for
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  Speaker 1: a couple of reasons. First off, I thought the three
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  Speaker 1: pieces of advice you gave were channeling me. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: that was just great advice. You must live with me
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  Speaker 1: or something. But what I want to talk to you
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  Speaker 1: about for maybe the next four or five minutes is
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  Speaker 1: just this idea of mums, specifically because I don't think
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  Speaker 1: it happens to dad's certainly not in the same way,
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  Speaker 1: not to the same degree, but mums losing their sense
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  Speaker 1: of who they are. And I don't have any specific
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  Speaker 1: questions for you, but I want to know where that
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  Speaker 1: comes from, what you've observed, what stands out to you
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  Speaker 1: in your conversations with other mums, more.
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  Speaker 2: Times than not as a male, your sense of identity
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  Speaker 2: is tied up in the career choice that you've made.
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  Speaker 2: I'm a builder, I'm a painter, I'm.
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  Speaker 1: An it guru, I'm a parenting.
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  Speaker 2: I'm a parenting expert. And every day you go to
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  Speaker 2: work and you are actually able to feel like you've
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  Speaker 2: accomplished something by the end of the day more times
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  Speaker 2: than not. As an account and you crunch the numbers,
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  Speaker 2: You've got somebody's fast altogether.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, have you seen my productivity? There are
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  Speaker 1: many days where I come home and wonder what I
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  Speaker 1: did all day.
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  Speaker 2: No, but you get to disappear and stand in front
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  Speaker 2: of crowds and have people tell you how grateful they
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  Speaker 2: are for the things that you're teaching them because it
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  Speaker 2: changes life.
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  Speaker 1: There is no better job in terms of having to
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  Speaker 1: be out of the home and paid employment. I just
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  Speaker 1: love what I do.
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  Speaker 2: I made a conscious decision to become a mum. It's
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  Speaker 2: all I wanted to be, and yet there are days
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  Speaker 2: when I feel like I have accomplished nothing.
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  Speaker 1: So I want to ask you a question.
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  Speaker 2: Wiped bottoms, cleaned toilets, as picked up food that's been
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: thrown on the floor, And that was in the early
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: days and now I'm dealing with tantrums and teenagers who
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: don't want to listen and screen challenges, and I get
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  Speaker 2: to the end of the day and I am exhausted,
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: but I can't actually tell you what I've done a
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  Speaker 2: couple of weeks and there's nobody telling me that what
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  Speaker 2: I've done it matters.
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  Speaker 1: So a couple of weeks ago, we had a team
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  Speaker 1: lunch and a couple of our team members pointed out
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: that we were there was something that I said or
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: something that you said that was just death and we
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: got it all wrong in the podcast. And obviously everyone's
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: always going to have a different opinion about what we're saying,
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: and most of the time, fortunately most people really love
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: what we say, which is great. But I'm about to
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: step into what could potentially be a landmine with what
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: I'm about to ask you. But I want to use
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: an analogy for it.
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  Speaker 2: You've highlighted that you're only asking me this. I can
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  Speaker 2: tell because you're on the safety.
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  Speaker 1: No, I don't think so. I think I'm about to
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  Speaker 1: stay in a great big pile of something. Let me
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  Speaker 1: go there. Do you not feel a sense of satisfaction though?
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  Speaker 1: And this is where I'm about to get shot by everybody.
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  Speaker 1: But I know when you're out for the day and
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  Speaker 1: I decide that I'm going to dive in and do
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: all the cleaning so that you can come home and
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  Speaker 1: not have that load on you, and I get the
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: kudos for having been a great husband, and I've cleaned
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: up the house and all that sort of thing, or
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  Speaker 1: I've cooked dinner. I don't know how to say this
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  Speaker 1: without sounding awful, but it sounds to me like what
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  Speaker 1: you're saying is you don't find it satisfying to have
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: a clean house.
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  Speaker 2: That's not what I'm saying at all. I absolutely love
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  Speaker 2: having a clean house. Yeah, but it doesn't last long, right, Literally,
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  Speaker 2: my job never ends.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, I totally get that never ends.
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  Speaker 2: I don't ever get to the bottom of the laundry pile.
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  Speaker 2: I don't ever get to the bottom of the ironing pile,
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: because even if I do get to the bottom of it,
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: by tomorrow, it's there again. The conversations that I have
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: with Mums time and time again, isn't the fact that
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: we resent doing any of those things. It's the fact
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  Speaker 2: that those things don't light us up. Yeah, okay, those
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  Speaker 2: things are a necessity for our lives to function.
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  Speaker 1: How do you find yourself again? How do you find
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  Speaker 1: yourself if you're feeling lost, regardless of whether it's through
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  Speaker 1: employment or through being a stay at home parent, How
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  Speaker 1: do you find yourself?
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  Speaker 2: For me, it's accepting that I just might fail. I
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  Speaker 2: might not find it at first go round. I might
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  Speaker 2: not find the thing that lights me up. Because the
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  Speaker 2: reality is the things that lit me up as a
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  Speaker 2: twenty year old, yeah, they don't light me up anymore.
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  Speaker 2: They're no longer challenged to me, or they're no longer
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: of interest to me. So I've started doing these art classes.
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  Speaker 2: Art scares me because I literally have had a script
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  Speaker 2: my whole life that I can't draw. But I started
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  Speaker 2: drawing and it looked like something recognizable.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: So I might actually ask our social team to put
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: a couple of your pictures up on our social media page.
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  Speaker 1: Are you okay with that?
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  Speaker 2: Well, that's a bit scary.
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  Speaker 1: So Kylie has had what two or three art lessons now,
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  Speaker 1: so I'm going to listally put up your first two
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  Speaker 1: or three and you're just you're copying, not tracing, but
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: you're copying other people's artwork. We're gonna pop them up.
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  Speaker 1: We're gonna do a social post about how you've just
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  Speaker 1: begun and this idea that you can't draw like. I'm
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: looking at what you've drawn, and I think I could
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  Speaker 1: have twelve years of art classes and not be able
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  Speaker 1: to draw what you've drawn. I came twenty eighth out
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  Speaker 1: of twenty eight in art in grade seven and grade eight.
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  Speaker 1: I'm somebody who can't draw. What you've drawn. I think
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  Speaker 1: is mind boggling. But that's beside the point. The quality
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: of it is not the issue here. What you're saying
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  Speaker 1: is try stuff to find yourself, try stuff.
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  Speaker 2: To put it into context. Two weeks later after I
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  Speaker 2: started drawing, they then asked me to paint. And that
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  Speaker 2: first painting session I was literally a mess by the
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: other but by the time it was done.
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  Speaker 1: You mean you got paint all over your hands.
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  Speaker 2: Well I did do that as well, but it challenged me.
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  Speaker 2: It really like I'd gone from feeling like, Okay, I
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  Speaker 2: actually can draw, to now feeling like an absolute dunce
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  Speaker 2: because this doesn't come naturally to me at all, and
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: I don't get it, and I don't understand, and I
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: can't get the text you're right, and I can't get
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  Speaker 2: my line straight. And everything, and so what this is,
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: this exercise for me is about letting go and literally
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: challenging all of those processes to see whether or not
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  Speaker 2: this is actually where I want to be, but it
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  Speaker 2: might not be. What I actually feel is happening right
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  Speaker 2: now is I want to lead pencil instead of a
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  Speaker 2: pain brush. But I'm not going to know unless I
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  Speaker 2: give it a go. And I have spent so much
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: of my life sitting on the fence because either it's
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: been about self sacrifice for the betterment of the family
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: because we can't afford it, or we don't have the
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: time because I've got so many other things to do,
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  Speaker 2: or to this point in my life where it's I
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  Speaker 2: actually don't know what I want to do and that
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  Speaker 2: stops me from trying.
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  Speaker 1: So to find who you are?
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  Speaker 2: I don't think it's about finding And that's what the
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: emphasis of my article was, not that I'm lost. It
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  Speaker 2: was just about remembering who I am and.
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  Speaker 1: Developing who you are, Like you actually develop who you
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: are by doing things, by spending time with people, and
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  Speaker 1: by what was.
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  Speaker 2: The third thing, moving my body.
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  Speaker 1: By moving your body. That's how you this idea that
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  Speaker 1: you find who you are. I don't even know why
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  Speaker 1: I use that term because you don't. You develop who
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  Speaker 1: you are, and you develop who you are by the
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: tasks that you take on. So if you're feeling like
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  Speaker 1: your identity is lost and you don't know who you
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  Speaker 1: are anymore, start doing. There's power in action.
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  Speaker 2: And if you're waiting for someone else to give you
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  Speaker 2: permission to do it, you'll never get it. You actually
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: have to take control yes and say I need to
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  Speaker 2: do this.
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  Speaker 1: I knew we'd get there. I knew we'd get there.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: I knew it was worthwhile conversation, and I'm so glad
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: we had it. To find out more about what Kylie's
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: written in Kylie's Corner in the Happy Families Premium membership,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: just go to Happy Families dot com dot you, click
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: on the membership tab and become a member today. When
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: you sign up for twelve months, you only pay for ten.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: We give you two months free. All the details are
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot AU. I reckon we
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: might do this again next month because the stuff you
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: share is just so so useful, and there's a whole
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: lot more there in the membership for more information about
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: making your family happier. Of course, it's all at Happy Families,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: dot com, dot you, and tomorrow we review everything that
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: happens tonight on episode three of Parental Guidance