Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / Embracing Empty Nesting and Facing the Art of Being Alone

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Embracing Empty Nesting and Facing the Art of Being Alone · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: You're listening to episode 32.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Well, we've made it, or have we?
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: May is here Now.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: For some people, may is a normal month, but I can't think of a busier time of year for those of us in the school system.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: I teach in middle school, so it's hectic this time of year.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: We have grades, report card comments, in-service and so much more that it would be the only thing mentioned today.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I sometimes think May is worse than December.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: What most people don't like to talk about is sometimes May is sad.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: There are graduations of first-borns, second-borns and those last-borns.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: They are each hard in their own way, but those lastborns, man, they are pure heartbreak.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: Not because they're graduating and moving into the next phase of life for them, because they're last.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: They make us empty nesters.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: So this is the topic I wanted to share today and continue next week.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: So I can just tell you a little bit more of my story.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: It was almost through the day, 10 years ago, that life changed for me.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: Not only did I get divorced, but, because of way complicated reasons, I also became an empty nester.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: At the same time, I had moved out and into an apartment.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: It was hard, especially if you're living on your own for the first time ever, coming home on Fridays after work to nothing, no one to greet you and talk about what the day or the week was like.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: It was then that I learned to hate Fridays, because it usually hit me on Friday.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Because it usually hit me on Friday.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: What is it, you ask?
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: The loneliness, knowing I would survive it, hoping I will survive it.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: It's still questionable.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: You see, loneliness can't be fixed.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: You have to face it and feel it.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: You simply just want someone to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: There is no one to do this, except maybe your pillow.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I had to have hard conversations with myself.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Be self-aware, it's normal, everyone feels it.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: But I found myself rationalizing it away, thought maybe I might be a little too weak, if you know what I mean.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: My good friend Crystal wrote this on her daily blog back then and I'll tell you, it hit me like a bullet through the heart and it, quite frankly, it still does.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: She said this we need to sit with it for a minute and let it be real.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: I remember that time.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: It so hard and processed through that whole feeling for a week and then finally, a week later, on a Friday night, I lost my mind in grief.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: It was not going to be contained and the loneliness oozed out of the gaping wound in my heart.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: I have to walk through it.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Walking through a divorce is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: I don't recommend it.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I went from being married for 25 years and having my children still living at home to living by myself in an apartment alone.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I had no one.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: My best friends didn't bail me out.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: They let me wallow and cry and be depressed.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: I'm forever grateful for this.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I know this is shocking.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: You can pick your mouth up off the floor now, but if they had not let me feel these feelings and walk through the utter painful feeling of loneliness, I'm not sure I would have grown at all.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: They also knew when it was too much to bear and then they would step in.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: If not, I would still be.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: They did it for my own good and I will forever be grateful that I was allowed to soak it in.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: These are courageous friends willing to do what was right for me, even though it was so hard for them to watch.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Here's why it was right, because if I don't walk through it, how in the world would I be able to relate to you when you go through it?
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: Walking through it is different for everyone, but please walk through it.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Someone needs you to.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: You need to.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: You have to face it, just like I did.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, I had to see it.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: I had to call it by name and look it dead in the eye.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I have to say you're not going to win.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: This one.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Loneliness will not win.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Once it had been called out, it no longer had a grip on me.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Hard to face, but harder to stuff deep inside.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: The ramifications would have been enormous if I had.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: So I named it Out Loud.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: There's a comfort in voicing it.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Whatever you do, don't run from it.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: If I had to feel it, you have to feel it.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: It's okay to cry, it's okay to be angry about it.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: It's okay to be sad.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: Just don't stay there too long.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: Being vulnerable is raw and scary.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: The older I get, the less time I have to stuff and not deal.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: Let it out, it's okay.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Trust me, this was so hard for me.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: I'm a thinker and a processor and so sometimes I forget to say it out loud until someone calls me out.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Give yourself permission to not put up a front.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: I had to learn to not put up a front and pretend that everything was okay.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: You see, there's a handful of people who I can just be how I am, at whatever moment they find me.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: They read my 3 am emails.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: They pray why?
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: Because they've walked similar roads.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: They've chosen to be vulnerable with me, and not once have I been shamed by them because of how I'm feeling.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: They are the most trustworthy people.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: So, just for today, you tell yourself I am not going to be tough or strong.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: I'm going to let go and reach out and say it out loud to someone.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Know this, you will survive.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: But it's funny, when you're tired and worn down, how everything looks like you're at the end of the world.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: That's what Friday felt like in those days.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: How do I know you will survive the same way I did, choosing to own it, going to bed and getting up the next morning, because, you see, on Saturday mornings there was always new hope.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: You may choose to write about it or pray about it or open up to someone.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: You see, it's 10 years later and I'm still single.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: And so, yes, I still face loneliness.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: Sure, I get sad.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling the anxiety of sharing it right now with you.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: See, you will survive.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: You're not alone.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: There is someone who has faced it and survived before you, and I'm right here.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Here I am.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Please don't keep it in.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: Reach out and talk through SOBs if you have to.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: One last thing before I finish you want to face your loneliness with obedience.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: We can only do this with the Lord's help.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: In other words, don't do anything dumb.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I met with a friend two weeks ago who lost her husband six weeks ago.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: I would say she's in the shock phase.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: Her words to me were you know, I had my own personal person.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: He just wanted to make me happy, and now the hole that is there is massive.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: She hopes tomorrow will come and he will walk in the door from a business trip.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: I know how that feels.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Maybe you do too.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: I just want to say I'm sorry.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I'm here to walk you through this transition and get to the other side.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I promise not to let your tears drown you.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: I want to say right here that there were several, lots of, let me say, friday nights where my kids would just show up unannounced because they were nearby.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: And let me just say I don't know if maybe they knew what I was feeling and walking through, but they would just show up, maybe bring some flowers and just hang out for a while, and it was the perfect thing that I needed.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Now, here's to walking through grief and the courage to face new days.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Here's to the sad days and the choosing to walk through it to find yourself on the other side.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: So if you join me next week, I'll talk about what the other side looks like.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: I have a favor to ask If you've gotten anything from this podcast, if the topics are close to home for you or if you have a friend that needs to hear it, would you be willing to write a review?
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: I would be so grateful.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: We all know someone who is walking through some sort of transition, especially now, as graduations loom ahead and empty nesters will walk out of those ceremonies excited for their child and terrified of what's next.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Share this with them.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: Share some hope.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next week.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.