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Andy Stanley - Three Ingredients for Relationships That Go the Distance A Rule Part 3 · Andy Stanley Sermons

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  Speaker 1: So let me welcome all of our Atlanta area churches
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  Speaker 1: who are joining us today and those of you who
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  Speaker 1: are joining us online, wherever you are in the world,
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  Speaker 1: more and more churches all over the world and people
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  Speaker 1: all over the world are becoming a part of this
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  Speaker 1: growing network of Christians who understand it's not simply what
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  Speaker 1: you believe, it's what you do with what you believe
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  Speaker 1: and that is the hallmark of Christianity and more and
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  Speaker 1: more it's becoming.
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  Speaker 2: What characterizes our churches and I just love that.
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  Speaker 1: From time to time, I mention, I kind of drop
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  Speaker 1: into conversations or sermons the fact that Sandra and I
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  Speaker 1: were foster parents for 10 years. And I do that
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  Speaker 1: intentionally because we love the foster care community. And any
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  Speaker 1: time we can be an advocate for that amazing community
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  Speaker 1: we want to be. But anyway, during those active foster years,
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  Speaker 1: a young lady came to live with us. She was
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  Speaker 1: 10 years old, a little girl. And she was with
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  Speaker 1: us about four or five months or maybe six months.
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  Speaker 1: And then she moved on to a different situation. And
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  Speaker 1: then five years later, when she was 15, she came
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  Speaker 1: back into our home and she had quite the journey.
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  Speaker 1: She ended up in a group home and Sandra and I,
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  Speaker 1: we stayed in touch with her throughout those five years.
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  Speaker 1: And so we visited her in the group home. And
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  Speaker 1: so I think it was our second visit. Sandra and
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  Speaker 1: I were driving home from the group home and we
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  Speaker 1: were just being real quiet. And I can't remember which
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  Speaker 1: one of us said it, probably Sandra, she turned to
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  Speaker 1: me I'll give her credit, and said, do we even
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  Speaker 1: need to pray about this?
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  Speaker 2: We weren't even talking. Do we even need to pray
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  Speaker 2: about this? Like, seriously.
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  Speaker 1: So we contacted the folks we needed to contact, and
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  Speaker 1: we went back and picked her up and brought her
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  Speaker 1: home to live with us until she could age out
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  Speaker 1: of foster care.
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  Speaker 2: We warned her.
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  Speaker 1: We said, by this time, our kids were out of
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  Speaker 1: the house. So it was just me and Sandra and her.
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  Speaker 1: She's 15. And we warned her, this is going to
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  Speaker 1: be really boring for And she wasn't surprised because even
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  Speaker 1: when she was 10, she thought we were boring.
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  Speaker 2: Okay. And was very transparent about that.
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  Speaker 1: Anyway, so we brought her, we got all her stuff,
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  Speaker 1: brought her home. Sandra had her room all fixed up,
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  Speaker 1: had her name spelled out in these little blocks and everything.
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  Speaker 1: And it was, you know, it was wonderful. So we
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  Speaker 1: let her alone up in the room. And again, she'd
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  Speaker 1: been in our family before. And during those six months
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  Speaker 1: when she was with us before, when she was 10,
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  Speaker 1: all of our kids were there. So she knew how
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  Speaker 1: we operated. So she came down the stairs after a
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  Speaker 1: few minutes. We couldn't settle in two rooms. She sat
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  Speaker 1: down at the kitchen counter and.
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  Speaker 2: Crossed her arms.
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  Speaker 1: And she said, and I quote, so what are the rules?
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  Speaker 1: Because she left when she was 10. Now she's 15.
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  Speaker 2: She's a different season of life. So what are the rules?
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  Speaker 1: And we knew she was not asking what are the
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  Speaker 1: rules so she could keep the rules. She was asking
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  Speaker 1: what are the rules so that she could navigate around
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  Speaker 1: the rules, a skill she had perfected, which was part
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  Speaker 1: of why she Those five years were the five years
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  Speaker 1: that they were. And by the way, she's 25 years
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  Speaker 1: old now. And if she were here, I would tell
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  Speaker 1: this story the exact same way. So anyway, so I
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  Speaker 1: said to her, Stacy, which is not her name, her
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  Speaker 1: real name, which was confusing to her, of course, when
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  Speaker 1: I said that. I said, Stacy, you know us. You've
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  Speaker 1: been in our home, you know, for a long time.
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  Speaker 1: that's not how we do things. We don't have a
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  Speaker 1: bunch of rules.
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  Speaker 2: I said, wait right here.
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  Speaker 1: So I went in my office, got a three by five.
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  Speaker 2: Card and it wrote one word on the three by.
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  Speaker 1: Five card, brought it in, pushed it across the kitchen counter.
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  Speaker 1: She looked at it and I said, this is how
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  Speaker 1: we do things in our home. She looked at it
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  Speaker 1: and rolled her eyes and went upstairs.
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  Speaker 2: And so it began.
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  Speaker 1: Anyway, today's part three of our series, that way I
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  Speaker 1: can keep you interested at least at the end of
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  Speaker 1: the message. Today's part three of our series, if you've
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  Speaker 1: missed any of it, three ingredients for relationships that go
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  Speaker 1: the distance. You need to catch up because these kind
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  Speaker 1: of build. This is a series for anybody who has
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  Speaker 1: any kind of relationships at work or home, marriage, engaged, dating,
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  Speaker 1: hope to be dating, any kind of relationships, people.
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  Speaker 2: With the neighborhood.
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  Speaker 1: And these three ingredients come straight out of the New Testament,
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  Speaker 1: all three are actually applications or a way to participate
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  Speaker 1: with this big idea that the Apostle Paul lays out
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  Speaker 1: in a letter he wrote in the first century to
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  Speaker 1: Christians living in Philippi.
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  Speaker 2: And in that letter, he made this statement. This is amazing.
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  Speaker 1: He said to them, these were all Jesus followers he
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  Speaker 1: was writing to. He said, in your relationships, and he
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  Speaker 1: doesn't delineate between types of relationships. He says, in all
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  Speaker 1: your relationships with one another, have.
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  Speaker 2: The same mindset.
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  Speaker 1: That is, try to capture the mind of, the perspective of,
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  Speaker 1: the attitude of, the approach to relationships. Have the same
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  Speaker 1: mindset that, As King Jesus, or in your English New Testament,
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  Speaker 1: it says Christ Jesus.
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  Speaker 2: He said that the way Jesus did.
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  Speaker 1: Relationships should govern how we do our relationships. And the
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  Speaker 1: truth is, the thing we all have in common, we
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  Speaker 1: all take our relationship cues from somebody.
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  Speaker 2: And most of us, probably all of us, took our.
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  Speaker 1: Initial relationship cues from our families of origin, right? The
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  Speaker 1: way our parents did relationships, the way that our family
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  Speaker 1: did relationship. And by the way, in case you misunderstand,
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  Speaker 1: The family you grew up in may have applied the
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  Speaker 1: things we're talking about in this series perfectly, not because
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  Speaker 1: they heard the series or even because they were Christians,
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  Speaker 1: but they were just mature relationally. So this might be review.
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  Speaker 1: This may be the way you grew up. Like, well, duh,
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  Speaker 1: doesn't everybody do that? But the family you grew up
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  Speaker 1: in or grew up with may have not.
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  Speaker 2: Done relationships this way.
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  Speaker 1: But either way, if you're a Christian or you claim
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  Speaker 1: to be a Jesus follower, as Jesus followers, we are
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  Speaker 1: to take our cues from our King. And what Jesus
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  Speaker 1: modeled in terms of relationships may very well be what
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  Speaker 1: you saw modeled in your home. And it may very well...
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  Speaker 1: not be what you saw modeled in your home. But
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  Speaker 1: here's the thing, if you're not a Christian or you're
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  Speaker 1: from a different faith tradition, I would just suggest that
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  Speaker 1: even if you don't buy into who we believe Jesus is,
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  Speaker 1: what the New Testament, I'm telling you, what the New
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  Speaker 1: Testament teaches about relationships is phenomenal because everything the New
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  Speaker 1: Testament teaches about relationships are taken from what Jesus did
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  Speaker 1: relationally and how Jesus behaved relationally when he was on
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  Speaker 1: planet Earth. And then James, the brother of Jesus, as
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  Speaker 1: we talked about in week one, James, the brother of Jesus,
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  Speaker 1: and then Peter, Jesus' most famous, his famous fisherman disciple,
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  Speaker 1: and then Paul, who was a Pharisee who hated Christians
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  Speaker 1: and became one, those three people in particular, their writings
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  Speaker 1: in the New Testament kind of tease out or flesh
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  Speaker 1: out what Jesus taught and modeled about relationships. So all
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  Speaker 1: of this ties back together. And here's the thing Jesus
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  Speaker 1: was so clear about. And here's one of the things
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  Speaker 1: that breaks my heart, and I think it probably breaks
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  Speaker 1: your heart too, about the Christian faith and about Christianity.
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  Speaker 2: Jesus was so clear about this.
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  Speaker 1: The Apostle Paul doubled and tripled down on this. That
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  Speaker 1: our relationships, the nature of our relationships. is the signifier,
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  Speaker 1: it's our jersey, that the crosses that we wear, and
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  Speaker 1: I'm all for people wearing crosses, the crosses we wear
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  Speaker 1: are not the primary thing that demarcate us as Christians.
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  Speaker 1: It is supposed to be the tone, the posture, the approach,
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  Speaker 1: the quality, and the health, and the maturity of our relationships,
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  Speaker 1: because we're to take our relational cues from the master
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  Speaker 1: of relationships who created us and knows best how we
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  Speaker 1: work and how we're supposed to work together.
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  Speaker 2: And the other thing, and if you're new to the faith.
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  Speaker 1: Or you're curious or maybe you left years ago and
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  Speaker 1: you're thinking about coming back, please hear this. And regardless
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  Speaker 1: of your experience with the church, please hear this.
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  Speaker 2: Christianity, just read the New Testament.
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  Speaker 1: Christianity is as horizontal as it is vertical on earth.
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  Speaker 1: as it is in heaven. That if Jesus was clear
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  Speaker 1: about anything, it was this, that our love for God,
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  Speaker 1: that our love for God is authenticated, not by church attendance.
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  Speaker 1: Our love for God isn't authenticated by our prayers. Our
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  Speaker 1: love for God is authenticated by our love for others.
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  Speaker 2: On earth as it is in heaven. Anyway, so back
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  Speaker 2: to the series.
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  Speaker 1: So these three ingredients, I outlined them this way, a confession,
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  Speaker 1: a posture, and a rule. Week one, we talked about
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  Speaker 1: the confession, a confession that we should make internally anytime
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  Speaker 1: we're in the middle of an argument or we're driving
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  Speaker 1: home anticipating or driving to work anticipating any kind of conflict.
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  Speaker 2: Or maybe if you're brave to declare.
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  Speaker 1: This, make this confession out loud in the middle of
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  Speaker 1: a conflict. And the confession is, hey, the real problem is,
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  Speaker 1: the real problem is, part of the problem.
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  Speaker 2: Is I'm not getting what I want.
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  Speaker 1: Because whenever you're arguing, whenever you're quarreling, whenever you're at
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  Speaker 1: odds with someone, there's something you want and you're not
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  Speaker 1: getting it.
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  Speaker 2: And when we.
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  Speaker 1: Acknowledge that it has the potential to bring down the
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  Speaker 1: temperature and recenter us and to be able to see
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  Speaker 1: the other person differently. Then we talked about a posture.
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  Speaker 1: Last time we were together, the posture, this is an
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  Speaker 1: essential posture at work, at home, at school, wherever you
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  Speaker 1: might be. And we refer to it as mutual submission.
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  Speaker 1: Mutual submission, when it comes to relationships that go the distance,
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  Speaker 1: that is, these are people that you want to go
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  Speaker 1: the distance with. Mutual submission is, I'm here for you
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  Speaker 1: and you're here For me, Paul said it this way.
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  Speaker 1: He said, you're to submit yourself. You're to place yourself
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  Speaker 1: under one another out of reverence for Christ. That because
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  Speaker 1: Christ did that for us, we're to do that for
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  Speaker 1: one another. It's just another version of the law of Christ.
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  Speaker 1: The law of Christ, I call it the platinum rule.
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  Speaker 1: It's better than the golden rule. The platinum rule.
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  Speaker 2: Is do for others as Jesus has done for you.
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  Speaker 1: And here's the good news. You don't have to die
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  Speaker 1: for anyone. But from time to time, We have to
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  Speaker 1: die to.
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  Speaker 2: Ourselves for the sake of other people.
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  Speaker 1: And the submit to one another is simply, I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to get up under your burden and I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: ask you this question. What can I do to help?
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  Speaker 1: What can I do to help? What can I do
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  Speaker 1: to help? What can I do to help? That question
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  Speaker 1: in a professional environment or a family environment or any
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  Speaker 1: environment is the key to saying to the people around you, hey,
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  Speaker 1: we're in different seasons of life. We're in different places economically.
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  Speaker 1: We're at different places in terms of influence and leverage
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  Speaker 1: within an organization.
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  Speaker 2: But it doesn't matter. I'm bringing all of.
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  Speaker 1: Me to bear on what I can do to help you.
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  Speaker 1: What can I do to help? That's a catalytic question.
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  Speaker 1: So today we're coming to the third part, last part,
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  Speaker 1: a rule. So I want to begin with some common ground,
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  Speaker 1: kind of get us all on the same page, something
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  Speaker 1: we all have in common, and that's this. And this
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  Speaker 1: would include our foster daughter that I just talked about.
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  Speaker 1: Nobody likes rules. Um, second thing is everybody expects everybody
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  Speaker 1: else to obey the rules, which means everybody is a hypocrite.
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  Speaker 2: So just, we're all on the same.
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  Speaker 1: It's like, I don't want to obey the rules, but
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  Speaker 1: I want you to obey the rules. And I expect
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  Speaker 1: you to, so that I have the leverage not to anyway,
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  Speaker 1: not personally, I would never do that. But anyway, so
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  Speaker 1: here with that in mind, here's some really good news.
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  Speaker 1: And depending on the church you grew up in or
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  Speaker 1: your approach to faith, this may be new information.
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  Speaker 2: I hope not. I hope this is just review.
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  Speaker 1: But the good news is that Jesus clearly was really, really,
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  Speaker 1: really big on relationships, but he was not big on rules.
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  Speaker 1: And the reason he was not big on rules, even
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  Speaker 1: though you think, well, Christianity and Jesus, it's all about
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  Speaker 1: rules and commandments.
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  Speaker 2: No, read the New Testament. The reason he was not
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  Speaker 2: big on.
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  Speaker 1: Rules is because he was so big on relationships. And
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  Speaker 1: healthy relationships are not rule-based.
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  Speaker 2: And you experience this all the time.
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  Speaker 1: When you think about your easiest relationships, the people that
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  Speaker 1: you love to see coming and they love to see
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  Speaker 1: you coming, whether it's family or friends or neighborhood or
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  Speaker 1: at work, if someone were to stop the two of
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  Speaker 1: you and say, okay, so what are the rules? You
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  Speaker 1: would just look at them like, the rules? Yeah, I mean,
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  Speaker 1: obviously you get along so well. It's just so smooth.
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  Speaker 2: It's like a well-oiled machine. So what are the rules?
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  Speaker 2: You would say, well, we don't have any rules.
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  Speaker 1: Right, because the healthier the relationship, the less need there
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  Speaker 1: are for love.
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  Speaker 2: Rules, right?
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  Speaker 1: And since Jesus was so about relationships, your relationship with
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  Speaker 1: your heavenly father and with each other, believe it or not,
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  Speaker 1: Jesus was not a.
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  Speaker 2: Big rule guy because here's what he knew and here's
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  Speaker 2: what you know. You may not think of it in
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  Speaker 2: these terms.
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  Speaker 1: Rules add a third party to the relationship. There's me
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  Speaker 1: and there's you and then there's the rules. And where
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  Speaker 1: there are multiple rules, guess what you have? You have
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  Speaker 1: scorekeeping and you have score keepers. And perhaps, no raise
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  Speaker 1: of hands and no elbows, perhaps you were raised in
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  Speaker 1: a home with a scorekeeping parent, and perhaps you accidentally
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  Speaker 1: married a scorekeeping spouse. And they have this ability to
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  Speaker 1: just mentally pull out a file drawer. And it's like,
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  Speaker 1: remember January the 6th at 730, you said, it's like,
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  Speaker 1: how do you remember that? Well, you also said it was,
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  Speaker 1: hold on, give me this. It's like, they can just
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  Speaker 1: remember every wrong thing you've done and they bring it up.
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  Speaker 2: They're scorekeepers.
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  Speaker 1: And some of you are laughing and you're the scorekeeper.
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  Speaker 1: You do this and you would say, oh no, no,
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  Speaker 1: I never do this. And the person sitting beside you
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  Speaker 1: or watching with you, they're like, Oh Lord, please speak.
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  Speaker 2: God, speak, speak, speak.
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  Speaker 1: I never thought that, you know, this gonna, you know, because,
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  Speaker 1: and probably the reason you're scorekeepers, you were raised in
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  Speaker 1: a home where there was scorekeeping, right?
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  Speaker 2: And what does that do for the relationship?
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  Speaker 1: Nothing good because you have a third party. In healthy relationships,
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  Speaker 1: they don't keep score because there's no score to keep.
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  Speaker 1: Now here's a fascinating fact. This is why, I know
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  Speaker 1: I say it all the time, you should read the Bible,
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  Speaker 1: but gosh, you should So read the New Testament, the
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  Speaker 1: words of Jesus and those that followed after Jesus.
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  Speaker 2: This is amazing.
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  Speaker 1: 2,000 years ago, 2,000 years ago, the Apostle Paul writes
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  Speaker 1: a letter to Christians living in Corinth. And the 13th chapter,
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  Speaker 1: of course, they didn't have chapters and verses. He didn't
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  Speaker 1: write like that, but later they were put in there
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: so we could find stuff, right? So 1 Corinthians 13
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  Speaker 1: sometimes is called the love chapter. In fact, some of
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  Speaker 1: you had it or part of it read at your wedding.
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  Speaker 1: And in the love chapter, listen to what he said 2,000
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  Speaker 1: years ago. 2,000 years ago, there were no file drawers,
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  Speaker 1: but there were score keepers.
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  Speaker 2: He said, love, this is fascinating, love.
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  Speaker 1: It keeps no records. Love, it keeps no records of wrongs.
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  Speaker 1: Or one translation says, it keeps no record of wrongs done.
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  Speaker 1: Love doesn't keep score.
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  Speaker 2: And here's why. Because where there's a score.
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  Speaker 1: The implication is there's a competition. There's a winner and
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  Speaker 1: there's a loser. You know, rhetorical question, but you probably
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  Speaker 1: know the answer.
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  Speaker 2: What's the win in a relationship? It's the relationship. That's
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  Speaker 2: the win. Or a different way.
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  Speaker 1: Have you ever won, for those of you who are married,
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  Speaker 1: have you ever won an argument with your spouse?
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  Speaker 2: Would you win? Would you win?
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  Speaker 1: I mean, have you ever won an argument with your spouse? No,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, you might've had the zinger, you know, that
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  Speaker 1: sort of, you know, you had the last say, you
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  Speaker 1: might've had the, oh my goodness, you know, and she
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  Speaker 1: walked off crying or he walked off crying or he.
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  Speaker 2: Walked off mad or she walked off mad and you
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  Speaker 2: felt like, you know, I won, I made the point, right?
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  Speaker 1: But what did you win? Nothing, in fact, many of us,
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  Speaker 1: me included, we have apologized for the argument For the argument,
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  Speaker 1: we won. Because there's no win. In a relationship, there's
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  Speaker 1: no win-lose.
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  Speaker 2: It's win-win or it's lose-lose.
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  Speaker 1: So in relationships that go the distance, in relationships that operate,
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  Speaker 1: are going to operate the way they're supposed to, there
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  Speaker 1: just needs to be, if there has to be any rules,
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  Speaker 1: there just needs to be one rule.
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  Speaker 2: And it's an unwritten rule. And it's a rule you.
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  Speaker 1: See played out all the time in any healthy relationships
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  Speaker 1: you see or any relationships you've So when our foster
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  Speaker 1: daughter came in and said, what are the rules? And
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: I went in my office and I wrote down a
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: word on a card. I literally, I promise I'm in church.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: I still have the card. I left it on the
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: kitchen counter for a long time thinking maybe she would
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: take interest and she would just move around as we're
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: having breakfast and lunch and dinner.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: And I wrote on the card just one word. I
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: wrote the word honor. I said, Stacy. She said, that's
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: not my name. I'm just kidding. I said, Stacy, this
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: is how we do it here.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: We don't have a bunch of rules. You were here
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: when our kids were here. We just choose to honor
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: one another. Now, the problem with honor is it's hard
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: to work around it. It's hard to find a loophole.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: It's like you said to be home at 8, but
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: you didn't say 8 p.m.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, right. Just, you know, an example. Anyway, so....
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: So in Paul, in 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: that I just cited, listen to what he says. He says,
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: love does not dishonor others. And of course, neither did Jesus.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: And then in his letter to Christians living in Rome,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: and he had never been to Rome yet, Paul states
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: the same thing, but he says it in the affirmative.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: He writes this.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: He says, be devoted to one another in love. And
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I'm just making this part up, but I think he
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: wrote that and he thought, ah, it's kind of soft,
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: you know, be devoted, you know. So he appeals to
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: their very competitive Greek and Roman nature. And he creates
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: a unique and very difficult to translate Greek phrase.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna show you the Greek, the clunky phrase.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Way he writes this because it you know translators were
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: like what exactly is he saying but listen to these
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: words here's here's how he put it together he's making
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: a specific point he writes the value or price one
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: another esteem more highly.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: It's it's really this is just the it's just really.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: Three words the value or the price one another the
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: way you price one another the way you value one
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: another esteem more highly and here's what we get from
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: that it's honor one another Above yourselves. That you should
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: value other people above how you value yourself.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Or put a price on people, not literally, obviously.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Price people with a more expensive price than you put
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: on yourself.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: Specifically, honor one another. Go first.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: That is, go first to show honor to others. If
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: you're going to compete in a relationship, try to out-honor
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: one another. Then he kind of doubles down on this
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: idea and teases that a little bit further in the
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: letter that he wrote to Christians in Philippi that I
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: quoted from a few minutes ago.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: Here's what he says there. This is so powerful and
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: a little bit of a throwback to week one.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: He says, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather,
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: in humility, here's the same word again. It's a financial term.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: Value others above yourselves. Consider them more valuable than you.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: Not because they are.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: They aren't.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: In fact, James says, you know, there's not value in people.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: People are all equally valuable to God, made in the
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: image of God. Paul says that. Jesus modeled that. But
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: here's what they're getting at. They all say this, that
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: we are to treat other people as if they were,
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: in fact, more valuable than us.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Why? Ready for this? Because we're Jesus followers.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: And that's what Jesus did for us. Listen, when Jesus
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: went to the cross to pay for your sins, you
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: know what he did for you? He elevated your status
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: and he placed himself under your burden and under the
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: burden and under the weight of my sin and my guilt.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: And in due so, he valued me.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: He valued you over himself when, in fact, he was
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: actually more valuable than you.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: And he says this, he says, have this same attitude.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Again, this is this whole idea that whatever we see
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: in Jesus, we are to embrace as Jesus followers. Have
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: We looked at this in week one, which was, he
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: says this, Jesus, who being in very nature God, that
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: is Jesus was God, God in the body, did not
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: consider equality.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: With God something to be seized, something to be grabbed.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: In other words, he never used the fact that he
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: was God to his own advantage.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: He didn't play the God card. He honored others. He
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: honored us.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: And then he says to me, and he says to
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: those of us who claim to be Jesus followers, he says,
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: now I want you to do for others what I
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: have done for you. I want you to do for
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: others what I've done for you. And here's kind of
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: the inescapable issue or that there's no escape from this
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: because he was actually.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: More valuable than we ever will be.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: And yet he demonstrated his love by coming up under
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: our burden, as I said, and took upon himself what
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: he did not need to take upon himself because of his.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: Love for us.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: He says, now, I just want you to do that
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: for others. I want you to treat them as if
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: they are more valuable.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: Valuable.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: So in relationships that go the distance, again, some of
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: you just do this naturally with certain people.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: We all do. This is the rule. Just honor one another. Now,
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: here's the thing. I don't know all of you, obviously.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: But you know how to do this. So this isn't like.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: You need a class or you don't even need me
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: to talk about it any further.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: You know how to do this. And the reason I.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: Know you know how to do this is this question,
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: have you ever met someone important?
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: Yes, you have.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Have you ever met somebody famous or somebody that you
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: had high esteem for, you know, the president of the
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: company or whatever it might be? Have you ever met
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: somebody important that in a specific context you would say, well,
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: in this context, they're definitely more important than me, not
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: in the eyes of God, but in terms of, I mean,
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: he's like the principal of the school, you know, or
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: he's the head coach or he owns the company or
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: whoever it might be. We've all met people that we
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: felt like in a specific context were just, you know,
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: they're important. Here's the question that you all know the
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: answer to is, how did you treat them? You treated
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: them like they were more important than you. Nobody had
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: to tell you how to do that. Nobody has to
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: tell me how to do that. You don't interrupt. You
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: don't criticize. This is a word we don't use much.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: You deferred to them. You deferred to them. You honored them.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: Kind of a funny story that I've A couple of
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: times I thought about sharing it and then I thought, man,
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: maybe I shouldn't.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: And now so much time has passed. Maybe it doesn't matter.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: So many, many years.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Ago when I was working for my dad, the president
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: of the United States came to church. Not like, oh,
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: I think the president's here. No, I mean like two
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: weeks before they let us know. The president of the
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: United States is coming to your church. So of course
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: there's all the security. There's no cell phones back then.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: There's not even any metal detector kind of things, but
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: everybody had to wait outside and dogs sniffing everything.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: So it was a really, really big deal.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: President came to church, traditional kind of Baptist church with pews.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: So the president sat on the aisle in the middle section,
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: you know, on the second row, second pew with his wife.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: And then our family was there on the same row.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: Sandra was there.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: And my dad, of course, knew the President of the
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: United States coming to church, so he prepared a message
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: for the President of the United States like we would do.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: And he chose the passage Joshua 1.9. Joshua 1.9 says,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, for the
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Lord your God is with you. And my dad prepared
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: this fabulous message about, Mr. President, be strong and courageous
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: and do.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: The right thing.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: The Lord your God is with you. So my dad
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: started the sermon the way he normally did. He said,
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: today we're going to be reading out of the book
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: of Joshua. And, you know, immediately everybody gets their Bibles out.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Everybody brought their Bible to church. Aren't you glad I
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: bring the Bible to church for you? Anyway, everybody had
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: their Bibles out. And he said, turn in your Bibles.
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: To the book of Joshua, chapter 1. You can hear
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: all these pages fluttering.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Well, back then, maybe somewhat now, but back then I
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: learned this in that environment. The president of the United
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: States carries nothing.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: They don't carry a wallet. They don't carry anything. Other
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: people do that for them. Sign of honor.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: Well, so, of course, the president didn't bring a Bible
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: to church. So he reaches up. I'm sitting on the
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: same pew. He reaches up, takes the pew Bible. Some
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: of you remember, like, there's the hymnal and the pew
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: Bible and then the envelopes in case you forgot one
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: and a pencil so you could ring a bell with
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: some people. Yeah, or you could play tic-tac-toe, right, during
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: the service, yeah.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: Thank you, Bill.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: Anyway, so anyway, so the president of the United States
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: reaches up and takes the pew Bible, and he starts
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: going like this, and I'm sitting down here. The poor guy,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: everybody's watching him. It's the president of the United States.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: We had this wraparound balcony. So he's going, and all
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: of a sudden, he goes past Joshua, and I'm like, oh,
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: go back, go back, go back, go back. I'm not
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: making this. So he goes back the other way. Meanwhile,
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: my dad has started the sermon.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: He's going back. I'm, oh, you're exodus out of the way. Right, right.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: You know? So let me tell you what I didn't do.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: I did not reach across the first lady and take
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: the Bible out of the president of the United States
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: hand and go to Joshua like grief, you know?
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: See, even as young as I was, I knew you
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: don't do that, right? I mean, and eventually, to end.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: The story, he eventually literally closed the Bible and just
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: put it back in the pew rack and just listened
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: to the sermon.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: Okay, but before you're critical, most.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: Of you couldn't find Joshua if your life depended on it.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: And if it wasn't your family Bible or Bible, it
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: might take you a minute.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, so, but the point is, you know how to
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: do this.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: I know how to do this.
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: If we just remember to do this, we know how
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: to defer. We know how to show honor to other people, right?
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: So Paul's point is simply this. What you already know
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: how to do, you know how to show honor. Do
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: that with everybody, not just famous bodies.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: But there's a twist. And again, this makes it difficult.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: In fact, some of you are arguing with me in
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: your minds right now.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: I understand that. Here's why we're not inclined to do this.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: Here's one of the reasons we're not inclined to do this.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: And it's similar to what we said last week in
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: part two.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: As Jesus followers.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Because the basis of all this is different than the
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: average person or the way that we were brought up
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: or what.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: Our intuition tells us to do.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: As Jesus followers, the honor we're talking about, showing honor,
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Honor isn't contingent upon the behavior of the person receiving
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: the honor. It's contingent upon the person showing or expressing
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: the honor, which is us. If this wasn't the case,
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: otherwise Paul couldn't command it. He couldn't command it. If
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: it was contingent upon the person being honorable, he would
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: have said this. He would have written this.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: Honor the honorable, which is.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: What we all do, which is what most people do.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Paul is writing this to people. He doesn't know who's
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: gonna read it. He certainly didn't know 2,000 years later
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: we were gonna.
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: Be reading it. But he's saying, no, the basis.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: Of the honor you're demonstrating isn't the recipient. The basis
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: of the honor you're expressing is the giver or the
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: one showing honor based on how they have been honored,
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: how we have been honored by our heavenly Father.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: And so he says... This is what you do.
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: You honor one another above yourself. Practically speaking, treat one
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: another honorably. And don't treat one another dishonorably. So within
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: the context of being a Jesus follower, and let me
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: just say this real quick. If you're not a Christian, again,
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: you're smart. You know, yeah, that would be a better
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: way to live. That would be a better way.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: To do family.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: You wish your boss thought that way. The people that
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: report to you at work, they wish you thought that way.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: And yes, you already know how to do this because
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: within this context, honor is not something that's earned.
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: That's the difference. In this context, honor is a gift.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: A gift that we give others.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: We give it by the words that we choose, the
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: tone that we use, the approach we take, how we
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: say it. We say the positives publicly. We save the
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: negatives for a private conversation. Honor isn't soft. I mean,
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: telling me what I need to hear, even if I
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: don't want to hear it.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: That's honoring to me.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: Risking our relationship by telling me something I need to
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: hear ultimately is honoring to me.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: So this isn't soft. This isn't easy.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: It's really considering the other person more important or more
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: valuable than you, even though they're not actually more important
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: or more valuable than you. The author of Proverbs kind
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: of chimes in on this. We should come back to
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: this verse someday. There's actually an English idiom that comes
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: from the verse I'm about to tell you, but I'm
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: not going to say it in church.
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: Okay, here's what the writer of Proverbs says. Wounds from
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: a friend can be trusted. Oh, that hurt. But I
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: know you have my best interest in mind. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, gosh.
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to hear that, but I needed to
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: hear that.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: just multiplies kisses, right? So we honor with our words,
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: and of course, obviously, we honor with what we do,
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: with our actions, with our deeds.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: Again, it's that word. It's defer, defer, defer. It's others first.
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I've told you this before, but just for somebody who
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: hadn't been here before or been here in a while,
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: little kids, when our kids were young, The boys, we
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: have three kids, and the oldest two are boys. And,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: you know, Sandra's fixing dinner. And soon, you know, the
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: food starts coming to the plate.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: And what do the boys do? They just sit down immediately.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: And then constantly, don't start eating before your mom gets here.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: Don't start, you know, just don't, you know, they're sitting
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: there in front of the food, you know. So I
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: wanted them to know how to honor their mom. So
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: we set up an honor rule. I said, at dinner,
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: you stand behind your chair until your mom is seated.
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: And when she's seated, you can sit down and we eat.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: So we started doing that. And it was so fun
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: when their friends would come over for dinner because the
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: boys are standing behind the chair. The friends just sit
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: down and they're like, what are we doing? So they
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: get up, stand behind their chairs like, what are we doing?
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: The Stanleys, you know, you wait for Mrs.
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: Stanley to sit. What is it? It's honor. So we
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: try to, you know, teach our kids honor.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: And what's so cool, Sandra will tell you, our boys
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: do that now.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: They're in their 30s and they just, wherever we are,
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: they just wait. It's a demonstration of honor, what we do.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: And just thinking about it and remembering it makes such
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: a huge difference.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: And as Christians, this is what we're called to do.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: And then maybe the most difficult area to show honor
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: is our responses, which is kind of a combination or
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: an application of one of these other two. But this
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: is critical because our responses say more about us than
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: pretty much anything. The way we respond to difficult things,
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: the way we respond to conflict, the way we respond
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: to surprises. So A response is choosing to believe the
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: best about a person. When there's a gap between what
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: you expect and what you experience, there's a gap.
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: You choose what to put in that gap. That's a response.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: And to honor someone is to choose.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: To believe the best.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: It's to fill that gap with a generous explanation.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: Well, you know what?
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: I bet he got caught in traffic. I bet something
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: came up she wasn't expecting. I'm going to fill that
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: gap with a generous explanation.
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: That's honoring, even when you're not in the presence of
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: the other person. Again, you know all this. You've experienced
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: all this. The question is, what if we.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: embrace this as a lifestyle because this is what Jesus
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: followers are called to do.
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: As Jesus followers, come on, this should characterize us. We
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: should be really good at this. We should be the
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: best at this.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: We should be the most honoring people in our communities,
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: the most honoring people in our families, the most honoring
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: people in the country because we follow a king who
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: did this for us in the most extreme way imaginable.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: So wrapping up, Pulling it all together. Here they are.
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: The three ingredients for relationships that go the distance. A confession.
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: I'm not getting what I want. A posture of mutual submission.
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: How can I help? What can I do to help?
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: What can I do to help?
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: And then a rule. To honor one another. To defer.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: To show respect.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: Regardless based on the fact that what God has done
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: for us.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: Not to earn something from God. This is important. Not
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: to earn something from God.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: But in response to what God has already given us freely.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: He gave us himself. So here's a wrap up question.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: I was tempted to say. So which one of these
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: three do you think you.
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: Need to work on? But that's an easy question. I
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: want to ask a harder question. Of the three.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: Which one do you imagine the people closest to you.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: Wish you would work on?
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: For example. If you hear.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: Well, I guess you're never wrong. Well, I guess you're
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: never wrong. And you think, well, I'm not. Is that
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: a complimenting me?
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: You should start here.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: Because for sure, for sure, one of the reasons you're
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: arguing there's conflict, there's something you're not getting.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: So this is an easy confession.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: This might be an on-ramp to confessing some other things.
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: You might actually be wrong about some other things.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: Just saying, okay. Number two, a posture of mutual submission.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: If the idea of making a significant part of your
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: vocabulary is the question, what can I do to help?
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: What can I do to help? What can I do
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: to help? If there's something on the inside of you that's, no, no, no.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: If I ask that, they're going to give me something
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: to do.
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: This is what you need to work on. What can
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: I do to help?
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: This is a way of being intentional about submitting yourself
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: to the people, in most cases, you love, maybe the
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: people you work with, maybe people in your neighborhood.
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: What can I do to help? That's where you need
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: to plug in.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: And if there's something in you, I get this, if
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: there's something.
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: In you that resists the idea of.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: Demonstrating and showing honor to people who you don't think
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: deserve it, and that's in all of us, You need
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: to start here. And you don't start with the recipient.
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: You start by remembering you are a recipient. Because while
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. And he says, now,
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: I just want you to do for others what I
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: so graciously did for you. Because That's what love requires
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: of you. And that's what God through Christ has done
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: for all of us.
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: So let's do this.
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: Let's pray that it characterizes our families and our communities,
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: our nation, maybe someday the whole world.