Latest / Judy Canova Show / Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 22, July, 1921 - W. H. Fawcett

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Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 22, July, 1921 - W. H. Fawcett · Judy Canova Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Section one of Captain Billy's Wisbang Volume two, number twenty
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: two July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Captain
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Billy's Wisbang, Volume two, number twenty two July nineteen twenty
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: one by W. H. Fawcett. It's Coming and introduction It's
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Coming A laugh, a sigh, a smile, a tear, a giggle,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: a sob and the Greatest Collection of Red Blooded Gems.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: The Winter Annual of Captain Billy's Whizbang Pedigreed Follies of
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: nineteen twenty one nineteen twenty two, on sale in October.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: All new jokes, jests and jingles, Captain Billy's Advice to
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: the Love Lord, and Smoke House Poetry comprising a collection
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: of the best red blooded poems in the world. Republication
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: of the Blue Velvet Band, The Face on the Bar
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Room Floor, Shooting of Dan McGrew to led, a Slim
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Alaska Evolution, and Johnny and Frankie four Times as Large
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: and four times as Great. Only three months to Wait,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Captain Billy's Whisbang, America's magazine of Wit, humor, and Philosophy,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: July nineteen twenty one, Volume two, number twenty two, published
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: monthly W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route number two at Robinsdale, Minnesota.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: We have room for but one soul loyalty, and that
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: is loyalty to the American people. Theodore Roosevelt. Edited by
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: a Spanish and World War veteran, and dedicated to the
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: fighting forces of the United States. End of section one.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: Section two of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: twenty two, July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Read
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: by Justin S.
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: Barrett.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Captain Billy's Whizbang, Volume two, number twenty two, July nineteen
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  Speaker 2: twenty one by W. H.
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: Fawcett.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Drippings from the Faucet. My friend Norton took me around
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Minneapolis recently on an evening's jaunt to see the sights.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: After visiting two or three moonlit stores, Norton suggested that
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: I be introduced to his sweetheart brother Norton, being fairly
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: well varnished with fusel oil and white mule, called at
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: the wrong house. A colored maid answered the doorbell. Is
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Daisy at home? He inquired? Sah, replied the maid. Then
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: is Pansy here? Said Norton, No Sa? Does Violet live here?
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: No Sa?
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: Then is it rose in?
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  Speaker 4: No Sa?
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: And look here, missa displace? Ain't no hot house? After
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: which I led Brother Norton by to the flivver, and
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: we sojourned to Dutchess Stag Cafe for the remainder of
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: the evening. I found another use for my flivver. Deacon
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: Miller's suckling colt followed Old Lizzie for half a mile.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: The other day, while at my Breezy Point Cabin resort
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: at Pequot, I heard an interesting story regarding the manner
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: in which young Indian men woo their sweethearts. When the
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Indian feels a tug at his heart, he will station
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: himself with a tom tom in front of the teepee
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: of his beloved and beat frantically on the drum affair.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: If the girl loves him, she comes out and the
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: medicine man does the rest. If she scorns his love.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: She places a snowshoe at the Wigwam entrance, and the
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: young chief goes back to his own teepee and keeps
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: on beating his tom tom until some squaw girl takes
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: pity and marries him. Maggie, our new Harvest cook house chef,
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: lost her broach the other night, so she has prepared
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: the following advertisement for the whiz Bang. Lost a cameo
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: brooch representing Venus and Adonis on the Ribbinsdale Road about
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: ten o'clock on Wednesday evening. We've had a good laugh
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: on our neighbor, Deacon Callahan since the episode. Several of
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: us witnessed in front of the Palace Shoe store in
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: Ribbonsdale the other evening, the deacon saw his wife coming
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: down the street, so he hid in the doorway of
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  Speaker 2: the Palace. When she passed him, he jumped out suddenly
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: and kissed her. Instead of the scream he expected, she
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: hoarsely whispered, don't be so bold, mister. Folks round here
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: know me. Johnny Beaton of Rainier, Minnesota tells about a
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: period in his life when old John Law grabbed out
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: and placed him in the rain near calaboose. He had
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: been inside but a short time when one of the
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: local civic improvement birds handed him the usual circular asking
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: a donation for the improvement of local jail. Johnny replied,
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: the present jail is good enough to suit me. Half
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: an hour later he organized a stud poker game. As usual,
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: the sucker squaked. His reply to the saphead was purred
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: and to the point sh keep still, do you want
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: to get thrown out of here? The no booze edict
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: for soldiers during the recent friction with Germany raised havoc
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: with some of us rum soaked sinners, but it also
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: had its comical side at times. I remember his system
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: I put into effect in Camp Lee. The first sergeant
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: was informed that no passes would be granted to visit
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Pennsylvania Points. Penzia was wet unless the fortunate man returned
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: with proper credentials. Said credentials to be deposited upon arrival
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: in the top drawer of the skipper's desk in the
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: orderly room. It was my duty to check properly for
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: the pass port. In our organization was a lieutenant whom
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: we will call Evans for short. Once upon a time
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: Evans was in a mess. He often was, as far
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  Speaker 2: as that goes, But this time I mean a mess
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  Speaker 2: where we eat, and in them as there also was
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  Speaker 2: a kernel, a man of meanness, and incidentally a strict teetotaler.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: This colonel saw, or thought he saw, in Evans a
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  Speaker 2: gentleman after his own heart, a steady yea even puritanical officer.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: One ear in the morning, Evans returned from a pass
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: to Altoona, Pennsylvania, and flopped his weary way to the
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: mess hall, collapsing in the seat. He played with his
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: fork and tried to look sober for a few minutes,
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: and then giving it up. He concentrated on grub, or
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: rather on waiters. Near the mantelpiece in the mess stood
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: what appeared to Evans to be the waiter on duty,
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: and he addressed this person, the only other person in
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  Speaker 2: the mess, rather gruffly. I'm afraid, he orderly, he exploded,
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: do you think I'm sitting here? Did it to provide
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  Speaker 2: you with a spectacle? I want some food, I'm afraid, lieutenant.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: Came the acid reply, that you are providing me with
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  Speaker 2: a spectacle. Good gosh, spluttered Evans.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: I thought you were an orderly.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: I beg pardon, Major, I didn't see you were the
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  Speaker 2: colonel speaking of abbreviated dress springs to mind a recent
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: occurrence in the Saint Paul Ballpark whence I had flivored
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: to watch Minneapolis lose to the Saints. Coming out after
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: the game, I bumped into a small boy who had
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: become lost in the crowd. Upon inquiring why he was crying,
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: he howled, I lost my mama. Why didn't you hold
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: her skirts?
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: I asked.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: I try to wept the kid, but I couldn't reach them.
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  Speaker 2: End of section two.
• 7:59
  Speaker 5: Section three of Captain Billy's Wizbang, Volume two, number twenty two,
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  Speaker 5: July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording. All
• 8:10
  Speaker 5: libyvox recordings are in the public domain. For more information
• 8:14
  Speaker 5: or to volunteer, please visit liberyvox dot org. Read by
• 8:18
  Speaker 5: Oggie's Ragdoll. Captain Billy's Wisbang, Volume two, number twenty two,
• 8:24
  Speaker 5: July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett R. Movie
• 8:32
  Speaker 5: Gossips California Society Whisperers frown on Edna Province's rumored engagement
• 8:38
  Speaker 5: to the sky on of Los Angeles' wealth can it be?
• 8:42
  Speaker 5: Larry Simon beat up his leading lady who sail carsile,
• 8:46
  Speaker 5: and Catherine MacDonald has something to worship. The male sissy
• 8:50
  Speaker 5: of the screen, Natalie Tummidge, may find a snag in
• 8:54
  Speaker 5: Buster Keaton's backyard. Join our monthly movie gossip Club. These
• 8:59
  Speaker 5: dainty more souls are gathered by the Hollywood correspondent of
• 9:03
  Speaker 5: this great family journal by Richmond Of all girls in
• 9:09
  Speaker 5: the movies, Edna Proveyance has the softest snap. In the
• 9:13
  Speaker 5: last year and a half, almost two years, Charlie Chaplin
• 9:17
  Speaker 5: has only made one picture, The Kid, which barely occupied
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: more than a few weeks of Edna's time. It's true
• 9:24
  Speaker 5: Edna doesn't earn much compared to the other stars or
• 9:26
  Speaker 5: leading women of the screen. They say her contract with
• 9:30
  Speaker 5: Charlie gives her only one hundred dollars a week, but
• 9:32
  Speaker 5: she has time, loads of it, and Edda plays the
• 9:36
  Speaker 5: social game in that spare time and doesn't appear to
• 9:39
  Speaker 5: worry her pretty head about her career or future fame.
• 9:43
  Speaker 5: She has an attractive but modest apartment, a not too
• 9:46
  Speaker 5: expensive car, and maid and puts everything on her clothes,
• 9:51
  Speaker 5: which are of the smartest. About two years ago, Carlton
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  Speaker 5: Burke if Los Angeles began.
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  Speaker 6: To rush Edna.
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  Speaker 5: Carlton is considered the catch of the specific coast. He
• 10:03
  Speaker 5: is wealthy, his family is a one Socially, Carlton is handsome, traveled,
• 10:09
  Speaker 5: and well educated, and has made a name as a
• 10:11
  Speaker 5: polo player. He is also a member of all the
• 10:14
  Speaker 5: exclusive men's clubs in San Francisco and Los Angeles well.
• 10:19
  Speaker 5: Of course, when Carlton first took up Edna, there was
• 10:22
  Speaker 5: much whispering concerning of Venice Bungalow. After Charlie discovered the
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: fair manicurist in a small town near Frisco Bay. Could
• 10:31
  Speaker 5: she be received if Carlton Burke meant to marry her.
• 10:35
  Speaker 5: Of course, she'd be taken up eventually anyhow, and the
• 10:39
  Speaker 5: Burkes are not the sort of people you can snub.
• 10:42
  Speaker 5: So Carlton's sister Louise entertain Edna. The claus Specrels of
• 10:47
  Speaker 5: Cornata did the same, and a few other of the
• 10:50
  Speaker 5: Selects followed the lead. Edna accepted these favors with a
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: very calm and ladylike demeanor, quite as if she had
• 10:57
  Speaker 5: a perfect right to the best of social life, and
• 11:00
  Speaker 5: she created a favorable impression Edna has since enough not
• 11:04
  Speaker 5: to carry vulgar studio movie talk into the drawing rooms
• 11:07
  Speaker 5: of people who wouldn't understand. She is never forward or bold,
• 11:12
  Speaker 5: and with her undeniable beauty, it is surely an asset
• 11:15
  Speaker 5: to any function. However, Carleton has continued to take Edna
• 11:19
  Speaker 5: about to the Midwick and other exclusive country clubs, but
• 11:23
  Speaker 5: marriage has never come off. Through Burke, Edna became acquainted
• 11:28
  Speaker 5: with missus Sallly polk Merit of Pasadena, an attractive brunette
• 11:33
  Speaker 5: of social standing but whose name has been mentioned in
• 11:36
  Speaker 5: a few sensational divorce mix ups. Sally and Edna are
• 11:40
  Speaker 5: bosom friends and go everywhere together. It's now whispered about
• 11:44
  Speaker 5: Los Angeles that the Burke family has decided against the marriage.
• 11:49
  Speaker 5: Rather hard on Edna if she loves him, isn't it
• 11:51
  Speaker 5: We don't really know whether she cares particularly or not.
• 11:57
  Speaker 5: Can it be that Larisimone spanks his leading lady love
• 12:00
  Speaker 5: Lucille Carle when she doesn't do as he likes. There
• 12:04
  Speaker 5: was such a violent spaking in the environs of the
• 12:07
  Speaker 5: vitigraph Lot recently that Lucille retired to a hospital for arrest,
• 12:12
  Speaker 5: and a new leading lady replaced her. It is said
• 12:17
  Speaker 5: that beautiful Catherine MacDonald picture star earns a mere forty
• 12:21
  Speaker 5: thousand dollars per picture now, despite the fact that Catherine
• 12:26
  Speaker 5: looks internally sad in her pictures and shows not a
• 12:30
  Speaker 5: glimmer of cheer or sense of humor. People like to
• 12:33
  Speaker 5: gaze on the American beauty in her clothes. Anyhow, her
• 12:36
  Speaker 5: backers must make a profit or they wouldn't come through
• 12:39
  Speaker 5: with the forty thou Now. It is said Catherine saves
• 12:43
  Speaker 5: nearly every cent. She's reported, quite the most saving a woman.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: On the screen.
• 12:49
  Speaker 5: The social set let Catherine because she doesn't get specifical
• 12:53
  Speaker 5: and run around with promiscuous ordinary movie folk, and because
• 12:57
  Speaker 5: she holds herself cold and high. The studio folk on
• 13:01
  Speaker 5: her own lot say she is hard and that she
• 13:04
  Speaker 5: won't let them hire blondes for her pictures because the
• 13:07
  Speaker 5: signlight has a way of making light hair stand out
• 13:09
  Speaker 5: conspicuously and thus detracts from her own person. Every week
• 13:14
  Speaker 5: or so, a San Francisco man named Morrel comes south,
• 13:18
  Speaker 5: and they say he visits Catherine. The couple are engaged,
• 13:22
  Speaker 5: it is said, and when her two year contract is up,
• 13:25
  Speaker 5: in tend to marry and quit business for good friends
• 13:29
  Speaker 5: say they are both saving carefully toward that day. The
• 13:32
  Speaker 5: arythmical problem is this, if Morrel earns ex salary and
• 13:37
  Speaker 5: Katherine forty thousand per picture, or about two hundred forty
• 13:41
  Speaker 5: thousand a year, how much salt and pepper will Morale
• 13:45
  Speaker 5: savings buy two years from now? How many steaks and
• 13:49
  Speaker 5: cream puffs can Catherine buy. In a recent issue, we
• 13:53
  Speaker 5: dealt somewhat with the mel Sissy, whose devastating inroads have
• 13:57
  Speaker 5: made themselves particularly felt in the Egyptian sque cotbed of
• 14:01
  Speaker 5: art near Art and the no end of things for
• 14:05
  Speaker 5: which poor art is blamed. Hollywood our readers will recall
• 14:10
  Speaker 5: that some months ago, a very noted heavy of the films,
• 14:14
  Speaker 5: a man nearing the fifties and with a wealth of
• 14:17
  Speaker 5: apparent masculine comeliness, was arrested in company with another male
• 14:21
  Speaker 5: person after a perfectly inquisitive detective had watched them through
• 14:25
  Speaker 5: a keyhole of the film star's home. Broken in the
• 14:29
  Speaker 5: prime of life, an object of scorn, and with others
• 14:32
  Speaker 5: fearing to be seen in his company even for business purposes.
• 14:36
  Speaker 5: His plight is a sorry one, more solemn as the
• 14:39
  Speaker 5: months passed does his white head and romanesque profile appear
• 14:43
  Speaker 5: upon the screen. There is a grim humor in the
• 14:46
  Speaker 5: plight of this man. The name of an immensely rich
• 14:49
  Speaker 5: woman was mentioned in connection with his arrest. It was
• 14:53
  Speaker 5: intimated that he had grown cold in his attentions to her,
• 14:57
  Speaker 5: and that the detective who trapped the two men was
• 15:00
  Speaker 5: well paid with feminine gold. She must have suspected something.
• 15:05
  Speaker 5: Witting bells and hopeful love of man and woman seems
• 15:08
  Speaker 5: to have broken out afresh in the picture world. Wasn't
• 15:12
  Speaker 5: it in an issue four months back that we confidently
• 15:15
  Speaker 5: confided to our readers that Charlie Chapman was openly adoring
• 15:18
  Speaker 5: a sweet young thing of seventeen. Just about four months
• 15:22
  Speaker 5: after we cheered you with this item, the Daily Papers
• 15:25
  Speaker 5: declaimed that all signs importance were to the effect that
• 15:29
  Speaker 5: Mary Collins was to become the second bride of the comedian.
• 15:33
  Speaker 5: Needless to say, Miss Collins by this time has been
• 15:36
  Speaker 5: interviewed with the awe striking wisdom of seventeen. Some say
• 15:41
  Speaker 5: she is younger the girl sets forth, or so she's
• 15:44
  Speaker 5: quoted a pankea for marriage ills. She did not admit
• 15:48
  Speaker 5: she was going to marry Charlie but she wasted no
• 15:51
  Speaker 5: space in praising anyone but him. It appears that if
• 15:55
  Speaker 5: May marries Charlie, that the path of true art will
• 15:58
  Speaker 5: not be tampered with, And if Charles wishes to remain
• 16:01
  Speaker 5: out on business or otherwise further his picture activities, that
• 16:05
  Speaker 5: May will not offer hindrance. Mildred Harris, too, was seventeen
• 16:10
  Speaker 5: when she married Charlie and complained that the boy stayed
• 16:12
  Speaker 5: away too much. Should May and Charlie hook up, we
• 16:15
  Speaker 5: may be able to watch the theories of two seventeen
• 16:19
  Speaker 5: year old missus work out as regards their ideas of
• 16:22
  Speaker 5: what the Lord and Master should do. When Buster Keaton
• 16:27
  Speaker 5: goes out in the evening, he takes his whole family.
• 16:30
  Speaker 5: There are so many of them we've lost count. Anyhow,
• 16:34
  Speaker 5: When he goes down to Sunset Inn at Santa Monica,
• 16:38
  Speaker 5: the waiters have to move three tables and put them
• 16:40
  Speaker 5: together so that all Buster's family can be seated. There
• 16:44
  Speaker 5: are several sisters and as many younger brothers, and a paw,
• 16:48
  Speaker 5: and lots of aunts and uncles, and Buster cheerfully pays
• 16:51
  Speaker 5: the bill. A little incident has been reported to the
• 16:54
  Speaker 5: correspondent of this Great Family Journal. It appears Buster had
• 16:58
  Speaker 5: been out with some lady of whom has his father objected,
• 17:01
  Speaker 5: or had done something which his paw didn't like, and
• 17:04
  Speaker 5: there was an argument over at the Metro studio. Pau
• 17:08
  Speaker 5: perhaps hasn't forgotten his ancient and pleasant right of parental authority. However,
• 17:14
  Speaker 5: Buster is resourceful. It is said that he put Paw
• 17:17
  Speaker 5: in his dressing room and locked him up for the night,
• 17:20
  Speaker 5: going on with his own business thereafter. We wonder if
• 17:24
  Speaker 5: when Natalie Talmadge marries Buster this spring, she will have
• 17:28
  Speaker 5: to lock his family in the closets occasionally in order
• 17:30
  Speaker 5: to prevent little rows. End of section three.
• 17:42
  Speaker 7: Section four of Captain Billy's Wisbang, Volume two, number twenty two,
• 17:48
  Speaker 7: July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording. All
• 17:54
  Speaker 7: LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information
• 17:59
  Speaker 7: or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Captain Billy's Whizbang,
• 18:05
  Speaker 7: Volume two, number twenty two, July nineteen twenty one by W. H.
• 18:12
  Speaker 7: Fawcett Short quips the tail of a shirt comfort. The
• 18:20
  Speaker 7: Farmer's Journal says, this, is there any way for a
• 18:24
  Speaker 7: girl to tell her sweetheart his shirt tail is out
• 18:28
  Speaker 7: the same way she would tell her brother or cousin
• 18:31
  Speaker 7: or any friend, a sweetheart's shirt tail is no more
• 18:34
  Speaker 7: sacred or worthy of respect than any other shirt tail.
• 18:38
  Speaker 7: A tail belongs to a shirt as much as cuffs
• 18:42
  Speaker 7: or a collar, and isn't any more indecent. I tell
• 18:46
  Speaker 7: anyone to tuck his shirt in just like that. My
• 18:51
  Speaker 7: girl is so fat. She wears inner tubes for garters
• 18:56
  Speaker 7: all aboard for Arkansas. Mama's got eczema, papa's got the gout.
• 19:03
  Speaker 7: I've got something itchy, cou it's just breaken out. No
• 19:10
  Speaker 7: caveman stuff here, Oh Jane, How have you been getting
• 19:15
  Speaker 7: on with Ed? Not very well, Dolly. I've had to
• 19:19
  Speaker 7: buy only two hairnets from my last five dates with him.
• 19:24
  Speaker 7: In the garden of Eden, I'll peel off, said the apple.
• 19:30
  Speaker 7: If you do, I'll leave, said the tree, especially when
• 19:35
  Speaker 7: the north wind blows. She was a silly, little gushing
• 19:40
  Speaker 7: thing and habitually talked without thinking and in the exaggerated
• 19:45
  Speaker 7: fashion which the female of the species at present effects
• 19:49
  Speaker 7: lately married. She was able to induce her adoring hubby
• 19:53
  Speaker 7: to go with her unshopping expeditions, even when the tour
• 19:57
  Speaker 7: included a visit to an establishment where the most intimate
• 20:00
  Speaker 7: of feminine garments were on sale. He did not flinch.
• 20:05
  Speaker 7: In one such shop, the discreet manageerss inquired as to
• 20:09
  Speaker 7: whether a certain set of silken unmentionables recently purchased had
• 20:14
  Speaker 7: given full satisfaction. The little bride's eyes grew round. Oh
• 20:21
  Speaker 7: they were beautiful, she burst out in her usual fashion.
• 20:26
  Speaker 7: Everybody admired them, everybody turning pale. The unfortunate bridegroom didn't
• 20:33
  Speaker 7: know for a moment whether to file for congress or
• 20:36
  Speaker 7: go out and get a stiff drink of moonshine. She
• 20:41
  Speaker 7: had a sore throat and was unable to sing, so
• 20:44
  Speaker 7: the manager buzzed her off to the theatre's medical man,
• 20:47
  Speaker 7: the Tutor the Sweeter. The doc produced his lorangoscope, and
• 20:52
  Speaker 7: as he was adjusting it, he pleasantly remarked, you'd be
• 20:55
  Speaker 7: surprised how far we can see with this little instrument.
• 20:59
  Speaker 7: Oh is that so, doctor? She faltered, Well, it can't
• 21:05
  Speaker 7: be helped, but I ought to tell you that I
• 21:07
  Speaker 7: really had no time to change my things before I
• 21:10
  Speaker 7: came out.
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: End of section four, Section five of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang,
• 21:22
  Speaker 4: Volume two, number twenty two July nineteen twenty one. This
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the
• 21:28
  Speaker 4: public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit
• 21:32
  Speaker 4: LibriVox dot org. Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 21:37
  Speaker 4: twenty two July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett
• 21:41
  Speaker 4: Wizbang Etiquette is your edication on etiquette? Inetiquette? Do you
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: pull the faux pa, gosherie, vulgarian, and other bonus two
• 21:53
  Speaker 4: humorous dimension? Read these questions thoughtlessly, study the answers carelessly,
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: and add both to your misinformation on this subject. What
• 22:06
  Speaker 4: do you know about introductions? If green and brown met
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: at your home brewery for the first time, would you
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: say green meat brown boys have a drink or vice versa.
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: Suppose the Siamese twins dropped in about that time to
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: borrow your recipe for double brew? Would you present them
• 22:26
  Speaker 4: plurally or on mash? Don't introduce them. Familiarity breeds a thirst.
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: The ballroom should always be a center of physical culture
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: and grace. What is the correct position for the gentleman
• 22:42
  Speaker 4: in dancing cheek to cheek for the lady vice versa?
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: Is it correct to wander away from the ballroom with
• 22:51
  Speaker 4: a dancing partner. If you become delirious, you may wander.
• 22:57
  Speaker 4: Is the shimmy done in the best society? Yes, How
• 23:03
  Speaker 4: like a bowl of jello in an earthquake. Should one
• 23:07
  Speaker 4: try to dance if they do not know the steps? No,
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: that would brand you as a hopeless vulgarian. Should one
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: crack jokes about the lady's gowns.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: No.
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: Your conversation should not be confined to trivialities. If a
• 23:25
  Speaker 4: girl asked you in when you escort her home from
• 23:28
  Speaker 4: the ball at three a m. Should you accept her invitation?
• 23:32
  Speaker 4: Politely decline and give me her a dress? Every dinner
• 23:38
  Speaker 4: should begin with a little soup and less noise. Should
• 23:43
  Speaker 4: the lady of the house help the soup? Yes, if
• 23:46
  Speaker 4: it needs it. What would you do if you made
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: a wine stain on a lady's dress? Help her to
• 23:54
  Speaker 4: remove it the stain? Should you decline wine by clapping
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: your hand on top of your glass? I wouldn't. Should
• 24:07
  Speaker 4: water be taken directly from a finger bowl?
• 24:12
  Speaker 7: No.
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: A soup ladle is placed at each plate for this purpose.
• 24:18
  Speaker 4: Etiquette is used in many other ways, but these few
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: simple minded rules will get you out of some of
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: the worst places. End of section five read by Scottie Smith.
• 24:38
  Speaker 7: Section six of Captain Billy's Wisbeg Volume two, number twenty
• 24:43
  Speaker 7: two July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording.
• 24:49
  Speaker 7: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 24:53
  Speaker 7: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Captain
• 24:59
  Speaker 7: Billy's Wisbany, Volume two, number twenty two July nineteen twenty
• 25:04
  Speaker 7: one by W. H. Fawcett. A Dilemma Deluxe by Margaret Manners.
• 25:13
  Speaker 7: It was embarrassing, to say the least. The young man
• 25:16
  Speaker 7: strove vainly to retain his equilibrium, also his hold upon
• 25:21
  Speaker 7: the inert form in his arms, but the collar mounted
• 25:24
  Speaker 7: in a vivid flush of red to his very blonde hair.
• 25:29
  Speaker 7: Then the nearby group of watchers laughed. He was still
• 25:33
  Speaker 7: more confused. The auburn locks of the fair figure in
• 25:37
  Speaker 7: his arms became loosened and fell in a cascade almost
• 25:41
  Speaker 7: to the floor. The man was visibly disconcerted, and letting
• 25:46
  Speaker 7: go with one hand, he clutched at his collar and
• 25:49
  Speaker 7: gazed wildly down at the cold, upturned face with a
• 25:53
  Speaker 7: renewed effort to escape the taunting eyes of the curious,
• 25:57
  Speaker 7: snickering crowd. He gathered the slim figure to him once more,
• 26:01
  Speaker 7: when a shout went up, and looking back, he saw
• 26:05
  Speaker 7: that the gown he had hastily loosened at the neck
• 26:07
  Speaker 7: of the fair vision when he had first come upon
• 26:10
  Speaker 7: the scene had slipped off and lay in a soft
• 26:13
  Speaker 7: silken heap at his feet. He was painfully aware that
• 26:17
  Speaker 7: all that remained to view was the daintiest of filmy
• 26:21
  Speaker 7: lauingery and sheer silken hosiery. One tiny pump had fallen off.
• 26:27
  Speaker 7: The young man thought that he would faint if he
• 26:29
  Speaker 7: did not escape the crowd that had rapidly ground to
• 26:32
  Speaker 7: a curious mob. The sight of a very fleshed youth
• 26:36
  Speaker 7: holding the limp female figure in his awkward arms, scantily clad,
• 26:40
  Speaker 7: beautiful face, impassive, instead of exciting sympathy, brought forth only
• 26:45
  Speaker 7: mirth at his clumsy attempts to withdraw. Evidently such an
• 26:50
  Speaker 7: experience had never occurred to the embarrassed youth before, but
• 26:53
  Speaker 7: he rallied and finally reached the door. As he started through, carefully,
• 27:00
  Speaker 7: almost tenderly, holding the lovely form, the delicate creep tushene
• 27:04
  Speaker 7: underslip caught on the little glass doorknob. To his utter chagrin,
• 27:09
  Speaker 7: he let go all together, leaning against the framework of
• 27:12
  Speaker 7: the door. This was too much. Wildly he thought of
• 27:18
  Speaker 7: abandoning his duty, when the stern voice of a very dapper,
• 27:22
  Speaker 7: wax mustached and excited gentleman who forced his way through
• 27:26
  Speaker 7: the door brought him up.
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: With a jerk.
• 27:29
  Speaker 7: What easy matter with you, almost shrieked the head floor
• 27:33
  Speaker 7: walker of the Elite Modes shop. Look, look, he cried,
• 27:39
  Speaker 7: gesticulating wildly worse than z bull in zi China closet.
• 27:44
  Speaker 7: Go back to where you belong and stay there. The
• 27:49
  Speaker 7: new window dresser of the Elite Modes gave one look
• 27:52
  Speaker 7: at the broken nose of the wax window model which
• 27:54
  Speaker 7: he had dropped, and fled back to his old love,
• 27:58
  Speaker 7: the Gingham Department. It is forty years since my husband
• 28:04
  Speaker 7: even kissed me, complained a woman in Hendipen County divorce Court.
• 28:09
  Speaker 7: There is much pathos in that even end of section six.
• 28:21
  Speaker 8: Section seven of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 28:27
  Speaker 8: twenty two, July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording.
• 28:36
  Speaker 8: All libriyvox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 28:40
  Speaker 8: information or to volunteer, please visit libryvox dot org. Read
• 28:47
  Speaker 8: by Sean Short, Captain Willie's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 28:56
  Speaker 8: twenty two, July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett,
• 29:04
  Speaker 8: Section seven, The Sinai Joke, Nice Burglar out of the
• 29:10
  Speaker 8: past a new label, the Sinai Joke. A bishop who
• 29:16
  Speaker 8: had been widely advertised for a speech at Westminster Abbey
• 29:21
  Speaker 8: was greeted by a record breaking audience. The famous abbey
• 29:25
  Speaker 8: was crowded to the doors. As the bishop stepped to
• 29:30
  Speaker 8: the rostrum and opened the Good Book, he said, I
• 29:35
  Speaker 8: will take my text today. And when the Lord ascended
• 29:39
  Speaker 8: Mount Sinai, what did he say? And looking at those
• 29:43
  Speaker 8: assembled in the balcony, he said again, in a louder voice.
• 29:48
  Speaker 8: And when the Lord ascended Mount Sinai, what did he say? And,
• 29:54
  Speaker 8: once again, looking upward to the gallery, he shouted, as
• 29:58
  Speaker 8: if waiting for an answer. And when the Lord ascended
• 30:02
  Speaker 8: Mount Sinai, what did he say? A little Australian buddy,
• 30:08
  Speaker 8: unable to contain himself any longer, rose from his place
• 30:12
  Speaker 8: in the rear, standing on his seat, raised his hand
• 30:16
  Speaker 8: all bit bishop, what I fly? Nice burglar? Oh, myrtle,
• 30:23
  Speaker 8: weren't you frightened to death when that burglar broke into
• 30:26
  Speaker 8: your room? Frightened is their name for it. I was
• 30:30
  Speaker 8: dressing mercy, how embarrassing? Whatever did you do?
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 30:36
  Speaker 8: He was very considerate. He covered me with his revolver.
• 30:42
  Speaker 8: She may be deaf, but she'll get her hearing. In
• 30:45
  Speaker 8: the morning. Out of the past, a rookie, all dulled
• 30:52
  Speaker 8: up in his new uniform and ready for first liberty,
• 30:56
  Speaker 8: strutted down the steps of the barracks and met a
• 30:58
  Speaker 8: colonel coming up. The silver eagles on the colonel's shoulder
• 31:03
  Speaker 8: straps meant nothing in this rookie's young life, and he
• 31:07
  Speaker 8: was about to pass with only a casual glance. The colonel,
• 31:12
  Speaker 8: feeling somewhat different, addressed the lad in an impressive voice,
• 31:17
  Speaker 8: young man, how long have you been here? The rookie's
• 31:21
  Speaker 8: face radiated with surprising gladness at having been noticed by
• 31:25
  Speaker 8: an apparent old timer, and he eagerly replied, why, I've
• 31:30
  Speaker 8: only been here three days? How long have you been here?
• 31:34
  Speaker 8: A new label, old Corno, a hundred proof bottled in
• 31:40
  Speaker 8: a barn aged in the woods, made out of Spring
• 31:44
  Speaker 8: nineteen nineteen bottled all of nineteen twenty guaranteed to conform
• 31:52
  Speaker 8: with all pure fool and drunk acts. It said that
• 31:57
  Speaker 8: in this paper that Lloyd George castigated, the German delegates
• 32:01
  Speaker 8: growled panhandle Peete, glancing up from a paper all stained
• 32:06
  Speaker 8: with near beer, and that's what they had. A comment
• 32:10
  Speaker 8: vigorously assented his pal. It is easy to be generous
• 32:15
  Speaker 8: to another man's wife. End of section seven, read by
• 32:22
  Speaker 8: Sean short Owings Mills, August twenty sixth, twenty twenty three.
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: Section eight of Captain Billy's Wiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: twenty two July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording.
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Read
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: by Anthony Will. Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 32:52
  Speaker 3: twenty two July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: Limber Kicks, Oh, I beg your pardon. I stepped inside
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: and closed the door, thinking the office was Brady's, but
• 33:03
  Speaker 3: turned when I saw the white tiled floor and found
• 33:06
  Speaker 3: that the sign read Sidal Winding Stairs she went up
• 33:11
  Speaker 3: the winding stairs, and close behind I followed. She stooped
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: down to tie her shoe. My chewing gum, I swallowed
• 33:19
  Speaker 3: page Billy, Miss Q. A girl who is young, cute
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: and friscae can always get plenty of homemade whiskey. Any
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: guy she may eskew will slip her a flask gay
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: if she'll only slip him a kiss gay. In a parlor,
• 33:35
  Speaker 3: there were three, my girl, a lamp, and me. Three
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: is a crowd without a doubt. Wasn't it nice when
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: the lamp went out at the sign of the zodiac.
• 33:45
  Speaker 3: The ram, the bull, the heavenly twins near the crab,
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: the lion shines, the virgin and the scales, the scorpion archer,
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: and the goat. The man who holds the watering pot
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: and fishes with her glittering tails. Shoe fly, oil man,
• 34:00
  Speaker 3: a horsefly lit on the old cow's skin, hung his
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: tools and sputtered in, bowed his back and jiggered his pole,
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: and all the time he was making a hole. The
• 34:09
  Speaker 3: cow browsed on in her usual way till the horsefly's
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: bit struck regular pay. Then she swung her tail with
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: a vicious dig and deftly skid it the horsefly's rig fastidious.
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: A handsome young fellow named Bertie was out with a
• 34:25
  Speaker 3: flapper named Gertie. Come kiss me, he said, But she
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: nodded her head and cried, I think kissing's too unsanitary.
• 34:33
  Speaker 3: Ball of a brute bachelor. Here's to the woman of
• 34:36
  Speaker 3: days gone by. May we meet her kind above, the
• 34:39
  Speaker 3: woman for whom a man would die, The woman who
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: ruled by love, who didn't harangue, and who didn't parade
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: in whose home it was sweet to dwell, who believed
• 34:48
  Speaker 3: in raising children and not in raising hell. Why so thin,
• 34:53
  Speaker 3: my pretty maid. I'm on a fast kind sir, she said,
• 34:56
  Speaker 3: And how fast are you now? He said, That's none
• 34:59
  Speaker 3: of your affair. She said, Lady of the house, you
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: may go to your room and change your dress. John
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: the butler will show you the way made fussed. Oh,
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: I know how myself, missus. End of section eight.
• 35:19
  Speaker 4: Section nine of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 35:22
  Speaker 4: twenty two, July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording.
• 35:26
  Speaker 4: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 35:28
  Speaker 4: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Captain
• 35:33
  Speaker 4: Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number twenty two, July nineteen
• 35:36
  Speaker 4: twenty one by W. H. Fawcett. California beach Nuts by
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: Reverend go Lightly Moral Pastor People's Church, Minneapolis, Minnesota. California's
• 35:50
  Speaker 4: coast is a big bathing beach. The state is not
• 35:54
  Speaker 4: only famous for its walnuts, but for its beach nuts.
• 35:58
  Speaker 4: One sees every day, especially Sunday, the ocean strand is
• 36:04
  Speaker 4: covered with half dressed women, boys and girls sprawled out
• 36:09
  Speaker 4: like goats and satyrs, hugging the shore and each other.
• 36:14
  Speaker 4: It is the playground of the sexes at many bathing resorts.
• 36:19
  Speaker 4: Sunday is anything but religious. The Cross gives way to
• 36:24
  Speaker 4: Cupid's bow and arrow. The Bible is the book of
• 36:28
  Speaker 4: Nature done in calf Brown lads lie with their heads
• 36:33
  Speaker 4: in the lapse of half naked brunettes, forgetting that to
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: do so, and not to mean harm is hypocrisy to
• 36:40
  Speaker 4: the devil who tempts their virtue. They make no attempt
• 36:45
  Speaker 4: to hide under beach umbrellas. One may question their propriety,
• 36:50
  Speaker 4: but neither their nerve nor shape. Their speech is low,
• 36:55
  Speaker 4: But if actions speak louder than words. Their conduct is
• 36:59
  Speaker 4: often vulgar, if not vicious. We saw place advertised as
• 37:06
  Speaker 4: the safest beach, but without falling into the deep water.
• 37:11
  Speaker 4: We fear the devil's undertow is carrying many out beyond
• 37:15
  Speaker 4: their moral depth. Love one another is the favorite text,
• 37:21
  Speaker 4: and the laying on of hands is not omitted. All
• 37:25
  Speaker 4: the flesh pots were not in Egypt. Cleopatra had a
• 37:30
  Speaker 4: good time on the nile and Clara has the same time.
• 37:34
  Speaker 4: Here we saw many couples and decided that more marriages
• 37:39
  Speaker 4: were made on the beach than in heaven. Position in
• 37:44
  Speaker 4: society is everything. Here there was everything in position, heads
• 37:50
  Speaker 4: in laps, arms around waists, boys in girls' laps, girls
• 37:56
  Speaker 4: in boys, legs linked or arms and legs tied up
• 38:01
  Speaker 4: in lovers, bowknots. All were taking sestas in their surge suits.
• 38:10
  Speaker 4: The site was very surfeiting. In this cupid school, we
• 38:16
  Speaker 4: saw girls with pearly teeth, but with no pearls of wisdom.
• 38:21
  Speaker 4: Many who could paint their face but not paint a madonna.
• 38:25
  Speaker 4: Girls who could play with the boys, but not the piano.
• 38:30
  Speaker 4: The only apparent study was that of anatomy. Breakers on
• 38:35
  Speaker 4: the beaches are divided into three classes, ocean breakers, law breakers,
• 38:40
  Speaker 4: and heartbreakers. California is a fruit state, and we looked
• 38:45
  Speaker 4: everywhere to see the peaches on the beaches, but most
• 38:50
  Speaker 4: of them were dried. And there were more old Iowa
• 38:53
  Speaker 4: valetudinarians and bearded bipeds than anyone else. Diamond of Athens
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: was a misanthrope who went to the seashore to get
• 39:04
  Speaker 4: away from mankind. Had he come to this beach the
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: day we were there, he would have prayed for a
• 39:10
  Speaker 4: tidal wave to wipe it off. The map scripture says,
• 39:15
  Speaker 4: of the beautiful lilies, they toil, not neither do they spin.
• 39:20
  Speaker 4: Of these painted, half dressed lounging, walking, posturing beach combers
• 39:25
  Speaker 4: with their dry feet, we say they toil, not neither
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: do they swim. We came away from the beach that
• 39:34
  Speaker 4: Sunday with a composite picture of popeyed, pot bellied promenaders
• 39:39
  Speaker 4: in the sand, vulgar venuses, wobbly wenches, living links, heavy
• 39:45
  Speaker 4: hipped hags, sinuous, shrunken men, tattered tights, tussled head nymphs,
• 39:50
  Speaker 4: and vain cock of the walks, admiring their own shape
• 39:54
  Speaker 4: and gazing on their feet and fingernails. We wish we
• 39:59
  Speaker 4: could forget the bait, their singularity and angularity, the plethoric paunch,
• 40:04
  Speaker 4: the blinking, bawling, calling, sprawling, mauling, drawling, squalling figures that
• 40:10
  Speaker 4: deface the beauty of the sky, the sea, and the sand, Oh,
• 40:16
  Speaker 4: the water cataracts running and dripping from shaking sides, heavy
• 40:20
  Speaker 4: hips and swinging busts. If Ulysses and his crew sailed
• 40:25
  Speaker 4: by this shore, with its sweating sirens and howling hurdy gurdies,
• 40:29
  Speaker 4: they would stop their ears, but not for fear of
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: being enticed ashore. The poet sings of the smile of
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: the sea. We do not wonder at laughing waves when
• 40:42
  Speaker 4: they see some of the freak styles. What are the
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: wild waves saying some things? We think we better omit.
• 40:51
  Speaker 4: To watch this beach of bathers is like having a
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: front seat at the winter Garden follies. The visitor may
• 40:57
  Speaker 4: study the contour of beach and bathers. Here he meets
• 41:01
  Speaker 4: the living skeleton of angles and the bag of bones,
• 41:05
  Speaker 4: as well as her heavy set sister, with all her
• 41:08
  Speaker 4: capricious curves, crests, elevations and depressions. How unlike the pictures
• 41:14
  Speaker 4: and the Sunday supplements, and how like the caricatures and
• 41:18
  Speaker 4: the comic supplement. When first they appear all nice and dry,
• 41:23
  Speaker 4: they are passable. But look at them if you dare
• 41:27
  Speaker 4: and can, when they take a dip or flop and
• 41:31
  Speaker 4: come out with their homely lines all emphasized. No Greek statues,
• 41:37
  Speaker 4: no things of beauty and joy forever but shattered, disenchanting
• 41:42
  Speaker 4: dreams or nightmares. Rather, farewell to this flotsam and jetsam,
• 41:48
  Speaker 4: foam and scum, these sandflies. If you want to have
• 41:53
  Speaker 4: a good time, go to the beach, where the volume
• 41:56
  Speaker 4: of nature and human nature is wide open. And the
• 42:01
  Speaker 4: textbooks you should bring and study on the seashore are
• 42:04
  Speaker 4: Shelley Burns, sand crab and bacon, Dickery, Dickery docking. The
• 42:13
  Speaker 4: mouse ran up her stocking, but I'm afraid up there
• 42:16
  Speaker 4: it stayed, which makes it twice is shocking. A marriage
• 42:22
  Speaker 4: certificate is a mere scrappy paper. One divorce leads to another,
• 42:26
  Speaker 4: but the marriage vow will always be taken. Ad in
• 42:29
  Speaker 4: fun item nice day for swimming, wolt swim loose women.
• 42:39
  Speaker 4: Your new stenarch guy here is a beauty? Can she spell?
• 42:44
  Speaker 4: What does themata? End of section nine read by Scottie Smith, Section.
• 42:57
  Speaker 6: Ten of Captain Billy's Wisband, Volume two, number twenty two
• 43:03
  Speaker 6: July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording. All
• 43:08
  Speaker 6: LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information
• 43:12
  Speaker 6: or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Captain Billy's
• 43:18
  Speaker 6: Whiz Bang Volume two, number twenty two July nineteen twenty
• 43:23
  Speaker 6: one by W. H.
• 43:25
  Speaker 5: Fassett.
• 43:26
  Speaker 6: Questions and answers, Dear Captain Billy, what is meant by
• 43:31
  Speaker 6: a third rail girl inoa recipe? It probably means one
• 43:37
  Speaker 6: dangerous to touch. Dear Captain Billy, what is your idea
• 43:42
  Speaker 6: of the height of indifference? Goofy gander spilling coffee in
• 43:47
  Speaker 6: your lap and not caring which leg it runs down?
• 43:52
  Speaker 6: Dear Captain Billy, what is the difference between kissing a
• 43:55
  Speaker 6: horse and an ugly girl? Paul Bear, No difference whatever.
• 44:03
  Speaker 6: In either case it's a horse on you. Dear Whizbang Bill.
• 44:09
  Speaker 6: I am a great lover of literature, but find that
• 44:12
  Speaker 6: friends borrow my books to read. Did you ever hear
• 44:16
  Speaker 6: of anything like it? Oliver Mud We know an old
• 44:21
  Speaker 6: fogey who married a flapper. Dear Captain Billy, my sweetheart
• 44:27
  Speaker 6: got angry at me last night and said I had
• 44:29
  Speaker 6: feet like a camel. What did he mean, Rebecca? He
• 44:35
  Speaker 6: probably inferred that your feet had gone too long without water.
• 44:39
  Speaker 6: Dear Captain Wizbang, a friend informs me his wife ran
• 44:43
  Speaker 6: away with a bank walker. I have heard of bank
• 44:46
  Speaker 6: tellers and bank cashiers, but never heard of a bank walker.
• 44:51
  Speaker 6: Please tell me what he meant, Bob Sled, Your query
• 44:56
  Speaker 6: has been referred to the swimming editor. Dear Captain Billy,
• 45:03
  Speaker 6: will you please tell me the origin of the expression mother?
• 45:07
  Speaker 6: Who is this silly ass? S o ellie? It originated
• 45:12
  Speaker 6: in France after the close of the war, when a
• 45:14
  Speaker 6: Poli returned and, finding his home disrupted, left again de
• 45:19
  Speaker 6: vow further vengeance on the German. Dear cap please tell
• 45:24
  Speaker 6: me how to grow fat slim jim breed hogs. Dear
• 45:30
  Speaker 6: Skipper Bill, what is a cure for a horse that
• 45:33
  Speaker 6: slobbers artificial? Teach him to spit? Dear Skipper, what is
• 45:40
  Speaker 6: the difference between a sewing machine and a kiss? Be curious?
• 45:46
  Speaker 6: One sews seems nice and the other seems so nice.
• 45:53
  Speaker 6: Dear Captain Whiskers, what is a crazy bone? How do
• 45:57
  Speaker 6: you do a dollar spent on a girl. Dear Captain Billy.
• 46:04
  Speaker 6: An electric trolley goes through my cornfield? Would it be
• 46:08
  Speaker 6: against the law to uzit to shock my conviss oor
• 46:12
  Speaker 6: g cochim No, but be careful and not let the
• 46:17
  Speaker 6: juice wet the colonel's Dear Skipper, what is meant by
• 46:23
  Speaker 6: self respect? Dotty?
• 46:24
  Speaker 9: Dimple?
• 46:26
  Speaker 6: Self respect dotty is a comfortable feeling one has in
• 46:30
  Speaker 6: having escaped detection. Dear Skipper, who was the Duke of
• 46:36
  Speaker 6: Peruna c c pill Lydia Pinkham's husband. Dear Captain Bill,
• 46:43
  Speaker 6: please give me a definition of a cannibal student, sure
• 46:49
  Speaker 6: one who loves his fellow man. Dear Skipper, kindly furnish
• 46:56
  Speaker 6: me with an illustration of poetry in motion aesthetic alis.
• 47:03
  Speaker 6: How would this be a picnic girl with a bug
• 47:07
  Speaker 6: down her back? Dear Skipper, do leaves of trees turn
• 47:12
  Speaker 6: red in the fall from blushing because they are showing
• 47:15
  Speaker 6: naked limbs fond giros? No, it's because they realize how
• 47:21
  Speaker 6: green they were all summer. Dear Captain Billy, I had
• 47:28
  Speaker 6: a tussle with my bow last night. How may I
• 47:31
  Speaker 6: recover myself? Petite FIEFI go to a tailor. Dear cap'n Billy,
• 47:43
  Speaker 6: I am ambitious for a career on the stage. Can
• 47:46
  Speaker 6: you suggest an act that will be entirely new and
• 47:50
  Speaker 6: up to date? Art gum? Why not try kicking a
• 47:54
  Speaker 6: giraffe in the mouth? Dear Cat, I am a member
• 47:59
  Speaker 6: of a newly formed organization known as the Woman Haters Union.
• 48:05
  Speaker 6: Could you suggest a motto for our association? Fat chance? Oh,
• 48:12
  Speaker 6: kill me now and call it the end of a
• 48:14
  Speaker 6: perfect day? Dear Skipper, when is a good girl not
• 48:20
  Speaker 6: a good girl? McNaughty? About half the time, we'd say.
• 48:27
  Speaker 6: Dear Captain Billy, what is the difference between a rehearsal
• 48:30
  Speaker 6: and a show? Plain Jane? A rehearsal is the same
• 48:36
  Speaker 6: as a show, only nobody comes around to see it.
• 48:41
  Speaker 6: Dear Captain Bully Beef, my fiance says I have a
• 48:44
  Speaker 6: peachy complexion. What does he mean, Kitty fur? He probably infers,
• 48:51
  Speaker 6: Kitty that you have a yellow and orange shade with
• 48:54
  Speaker 6: fuzz on your face. Dear Doctor Bill, why oh what
• 49:00
  Speaker 6: did the police inspect her? The Duke of Dubuque, possibly
• 49:05
  Speaker 6: to help the deek detect her a convalescent requiring whiskey
• 49:09
  Speaker 6: and beer for rapid recovery is convalescent all over except
• 49:14
  Speaker 6: his thirst, and that's in the acute stages. Another jellyfish
• 49:22
  Speaker 6: boys asked the schoolmaster what do you consider the most
• 49:27
  Speaker 6: beautiful thing in the world? Sunshine hazarded one boy, flowers
• 49:35
  Speaker 6: ventured another. Both answers were received with favor, and the
• 49:40
  Speaker 6: turn went to a hefty youth. A woman announced, he gruffly,
• 49:46
  Speaker 6: come out here, commanded the master sternly. A good flogging
• 49:50
  Speaker 6: was administered, and then the offender was bidden to go
• 49:54
  Speaker 6: home and tell his father that he had been flogged
• 49:56
  Speaker 6: and why. Next morning, the flo was again hauled up.
• 50:02
  Speaker 6: Did you tell your father that you had been flogged?
• 50:05
  Speaker 6: Asked the master, Yes, sir. Did you tell him why?
• 50:10
  Speaker 9: Yes, sir?
• 50:12
  Speaker 6: What did you say? Please?
• 50:14
  Speaker 9: Sir?
• 50:15
  Speaker 6: Dad and I talked it all over between us, and
• 50:18
  Speaker 6: we've come to the conclusion that there's something funny about you.
• 50:25
  Speaker 6: End of section ten. Read by Molly Hooper, Arlington, Virginia,
• 50:31
  Speaker 6: September fifteenth, two thousand and twenty three.
• 50:42
  Speaker 10: Section eleven of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 50:46
  Speaker 10: twenty two, July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording.
• 50:52
  Speaker 10: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 50:55
  Speaker 10: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot com. Read
• 51:01
  Speaker 10: by Helen Sears. Captain Billy's Whizbang, Volume two, number twenty two,
• 51:07
  Speaker 10: July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett Whizbang Editorials.
• 51:14
  Speaker 10: The bull is mightier than the bullet. Press despatches recently
• 51:19
  Speaker 10: carried an item to the effect that, although slightly mentally affected,
• 51:23
  Speaker 10: the mother of Charlie Chaplin, upon her son's earnest persuasion,
• 51:27
  Speaker 10: had been allowed to enter this country from England. Missus Chaplin,
• 51:31
  Speaker 10: upon reaching New York, stood a chance, it was stated,
• 51:35
  Speaker 10: of having to return, had it not been for quick
• 51:38
  Speaker 10: and effective energies of her sons and their friends in
• 51:40
  Speaker 10: political power. Those who know chaplain well declare that the
• 51:44
  Speaker 10: intense melancholy for which he is noted is due more
• 51:48
  Speaker 10: than anything else, to the affection and concern for his mother.
• 51:51
  Speaker 10: Such things as domestic troubles, it is said, bear little
• 51:55
  Speaker 10: weight with the man who daily makes millions laugh. Tis
• 51:58
  Speaker 10: the mother? What have we here consider this monumental fun
• 52:03
  Speaker 10: maker of the screen. Death is bad enough, but when
• 52:06
  Speaker 10: the mind of one very dare becomes clouded, then indeed
• 52:09
  Speaker 10: does tragedy and sadness smite with a heavy hand. We
• 52:13
  Speaker 10: read of the circus clown whose wife and children burn
• 52:16
  Speaker 10: to death, and yet to keep a date with the
• 52:19
  Speaker 10: world of fun lovers. He went to head that night
• 52:21
  Speaker 10: and clowned as never he had clowned before. Have we
• 52:25
  Speaker 10: and chaplain a great tragedy. Also it will be recalled
• 52:29
  Speaker 10: that when he was a small boy in London, he
• 52:31
  Speaker 10: and his mother and brother lived in a workhouse in
• 52:34
  Speaker 10: order that the streets might not be their home. Now
• 52:37
  Speaker 10: his mother is coming home to him to live amid
• 52:40
  Speaker 10: all the luxury that great wealth may bring. Wealth that
• 52:43
  Speaker 10: came after a sad little fellow with merry feet living
• 52:47
  Speaker 10: in a workhouse with his mother, learned to be the
• 52:50
  Speaker 10: greatest of all fun makers. Life's a funny proposition, folks,
• 52:54
  Speaker 10: isn't it? Half a century ago the nude in art
• 52:59
  Speaker 10: was strained in America to uplift Puritanic hands in holy horror. Today,
• 53:05
  Speaker 10: among all cultivated people, the female nude is most matter
• 53:09
  Speaker 10: of fact. Our notions of art the country over have
• 53:12
  Speaker 10: been steadily clarifying, until at last the great distinction has
• 53:16
  Speaker 10: been recognized and conceded even by pious folk that while
• 53:20
  Speaker 10: the human male figure is impossible, the female form is
• 53:24
  Speaker 10: purely beautiful. Those rabbid for realism and resolutely uncompromising will
• 53:30
  Speaker 10: have the assurance to claim innocuousness for the undraped male.
• 53:34
  Speaker 10: But the opinion today among those who are not extremists
• 53:38
  Speaker 10: is still definitely against the frank exposition of the male
• 53:41
  Speaker 10: form in plastic or painting. At worst, the mind receives
• 53:46
  Speaker 10: merely a philip of interest and complete nudity to the male. Fancy,
• 53:51
  Speaker 10: repeated again and again in art speedily states curiosity and
• 53:57
  Speaker 10: with that incipient desire, as if for the minds of women,
• 54:01
  Speaker 10: no one would insult them with the suspicion that they
• 54:04
  Speaker 10: find anything provocative in the portrayal of figures of their
• 54:07
  Speaker 10: own sex. In every landscape, the eye notices at once
• 54:12
  Speaker 10: and unavoidably the hills. It finds the plains and valleys.
• 54:16
  Speaker 10: Only by an effort of the will. This fact has
• 54:19
  Speaker 10: ever been admitted by the modern stage, which is, so
• 54:22
  Speaker 10: far as the ethics of objective morality go, more conservative
• 54:26
  Speaker 10: than modern art in its advanced attitude. Be a booster.
• 54:32
  Speaker 10: If you can't be a pine on the top of
• 54:34
  Speaker 10: the hill, be a scrub in the valley. But be
• 54:36
  Speaker 10: the best little scrub by the side of the hill.
• 54:40
  Speaker 10: Be a bush if you can't be a tree, if
• 54:42
  Speaker 10: you can't be the sun, be a star, but the
• 54:45
  Speaker 10: best little booster wherever you are. Teach me that sixty
• 54:50
  Speaker 10: minutes make an hour, sixteen ounces, one pound, and one
• 54:54
  Speaker 10: hundred cents one dollar. Help me so to live, that
• 54:58
  Speaker 10: I can lie down at night with a clear conscience,
• 55:00
  Speaker 10: without a gun under my pillow, and un haunted by
• 55:03
  Speaker 10: the faces of those to whom I have brought pain.
• 55:07
  Speaker 10: Grant that I may earn my meal ticket on the square,
• 55:10
  Speaker 10: and that in earning it, I may do unto others
• 55:13
  Speaker 10: as I would have them do unto me. Deafen me
• 55:16
  Speaker 10: to the jingle of tainted money and to the rustle
• 55:19
  Speaker 10: of unholy skirts, blind me to the faults of the
• 55:22
  Speaker 10: other fellow. But reveal to me my own guide me,
• 55:26
  Speaker 10: so that each night, when I look across the dinner
• 55:28
  Speaker 10: table at my wife, who has been a blessing to me,
• 55:31
  Speaker 10: I will have nothing to conceal. Keep me young enough
• 55:35
  Speaker 10: to laugh with little children, and sympathetic enough to be
• 55:38
  Speaker 10: considerate of old age. And when comes the day of
• 55:41
  Speaker 10: darkened shades and the smell of flowers, The tread of
• 55:45
  Speaker 10: soft footsteps and the crunching of wheels in the yard
• 55:48
  Speaker 10: make the ceremony short, and the epitaph simply, Here lies
• 55:52
  Speaker 10: a man. He that does not know and knows he
• 55:56
  Speaker 10: does not know, can be taught. Teach him. He that
• 56:00
  Speaker 10: does not know, but thinks he knows is a dangerous man.
• 56:04
  Speaker 10: Beware of him. He that does know, and knows he knows,
• 56:08
  Speaker 10: is a wise man. Follow him. It's a stiff neck
• 56:13
  Speaker 10: that has no turning when a short skirt goes by.
• 56:17
  Speaker 10: I hope that when I die, they'll pour me back
• 56:19
  Speaker 10: in the bottle. So do other soaks London stuff. He
• 56:26
  Speaker 10: had been married about a year and had taken to
• 56:28
  Speaker 10: spending his evenings out west with the boys. One night,
• 56:31
  Speaker 10: his conscience worried him, and he thought he would phone
• 56:34
  Speaker 10: his wife to have dinner with him. Hello, kiddo, he began.
• 56:38
  Speaker 10: Slip on some old clothes and run down and meet
• 56:40
  Speaker 10: me on the quiet. We'll have a good dinner and
• 56:42
  Speaker 10: then smear a little red paint around. How about it.
• 56:46
  Speaker 10: I'll be delighted to join you, was the reply. But
• 56:49
  Speaker 10: why not come up to the house, jack and get me.
• 56:51
  Speaker 10: There's nobody home to day the young husband spends every
• 56:55
  Speaker 10: evening at home. His name is Philip.
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: Oh Gosh.
• 57:01
  Speaker 10: A stripping bee took place at the home of mister
• 57:03
  Speaker 10: and Missus Beau Hummel Albrecht Thursday evening. Those present were
• 57:08
  Speaker 10: the Madames Catherine Mock, John Merrick, John jellimech Kensel Picorney,
• 57:14
  Speaker 10: mister and Missus John Novatni, Mister and Missus John Hannah,
• 57:19
  Speaker 10: and mister and Missus Joseph Wesley Senior from Kowanas, Wisconsin
• 57:24
  Speaker 10: Press the high Cost of Company sign in European Hotel Manitowac, Wisconsin.
• 57:34
  Speaker 10: If you have company overnight, an extra charge of fifty
• 57:37
  Speaker 10: cents will be made. A fatted calf maketh a full stocking.
• 57:44
  Speaker 10: Then his nerve failed. One of the loveliest of girls
• 57:48
  Speaker 10: went into a gents furnishing store to buy a necktie.
• 57:51
  Speaker 10: She hesitated a moment and then asked, in a nice,
• 57:54
  Speaker 10: straightforward way, I want to put it on. Please, would
• 57:57
  Speaker 10: you tie it for me? Felt a little nervous, especially
• 58:01
  Speaker 10: as the other fellows were watching him, But she had
• 58:04
  Speaker 10: already pulled off the necktie that she wore. He said, certainly,
• 58:08
  Speaker 10: and putting the new one around her neck as she
• 58:11
  Speaker 10: ducked her head. She wore a dainty white silk shirt.
• 58:14
  Speaker 10: When the tie was tied, the ends seemed a bit long,
• 58:17
  Speaker 10: and he suggested, do you wear the ends tucked in? Yes,
• 58:21
  Speaker 10: She returned with unembarrassed absent mindedness. At this point his
• 58:25
  Speaker 10: courage failed him. She knew the truth both of these
• 58:31
  Speaker 10: here gents, said the witness. Mandy Thomas, rather impressed with
• 58:35
  Speaker 10: the importance of being in court, was standin at the
• 58:38
  Speaker 10: corner conversing with each other. Pretty hot and pointed like
• 58:42
  Speaker 10: relate the conversation, said the prosecutor. Ah, don't jest, remember sah,
• 58:48
  Speaker 10: said Mandy sept that day was callin each other?
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: What day is?
• 58:54
  Speaker 10: Women used to carry money in their stocking, but it's
• 58:57
  Speaker 10: not safe to put money in public places now. A
• 59:01
  Speaker 10: rash marriage is only skin deep. End of section eleven.
• 59:12
  Speaker 7: Section twelve of Captain Billy's Wizbang, Volume two, number twenty
• 59:17
  Speaker 7: two July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording.
• 59:23
  Speaker 7: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 59:28
  Speaker 7: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Captain
• 59:34
  Speaker 7: Billy's Wizbang, Volume two, number twenty two July nineteen twenty
• 59:39
  Speaker 7: one by W. H. Fawcett Smokehouse Poetry, Part one Wizbang
• 59:47
  Speaker 7: has a double winner for smokehous fans. Next issue, The
• 59:51
  Speaker 7: Lower of the Tropics and the Far East, or chickle
• 59:56
  Speaker 7: Camps and logwood Swamps. I hunted him many a min
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 7: then found my man in a long pit pan at
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 7: the edge of a blue lagoon. The chase was ore
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 7: at the farther shore. It ended a two year quest,
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 7: and I left him there with an empty stare and
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 7: a knife stuck in his chest. That's the swing of
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 7: the most noted poem of the Tropics, The Far East,
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 7: an excerpt from which follows is familiar to Philippine war veterans.
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 7: By the mudhole down in Subic, looking lazy at the bay,
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 7: there's a Googu dame awaiting, and I think I hear
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 7: her say, come you back, you mallows soldier, Come you
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 7: back from o'er the sea. Come you back and pay
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 7: your jaw bone, poor a k you jawbone me. The
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 7: Hobo's Convention by George Leibst. You've heard of big conventions,
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 7: and there's some you can't forget. But get this straight,
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 7: there's none so great as When the Hoboes met to Portland, Oregon,
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 7: last year, they came from near and far, on tops
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 7: and blind where cinders wind they rode on every car.
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 7: Three hundred came from New York State. Some came from
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 7: Eagle Pass. That afternoon, the third of June, they gathered
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 7: there En Mass from Lone Star State came Texas Slim
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 7: and Jack the cater Dead with Lonesome Loo from Kalmazoo
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 7: came San Diego Kid and Denver Dan and Boston Red
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 7: Blue and with hell Fire Jack Andy Lang from Lake
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 7: Shore Gang Big Mac from Mackinac. I saw some boys
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 7: I'd never met, a boat called New York Spike, Con
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 7: the Sneak from Battle Creek and Mississippi Ike. Old New
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 7: York Bill, dressed like a duke, shook hands with Frisco
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 7: Fred and half Breed Jove from Mexico, shot craps with
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 7: Eastport d Saint Louis Jim and Pittsburgh Pole fixed up
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 7: a jungle stew, while Slippery Slim and Bashful Tim croaked
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 7: gumps for our menu. The Jockey Kid spilled out a
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 7: song along with Desperate Sam and Paul the Shark from
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 7: Terror's Park. Claud danced with Alabam. We gathered round the
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 7: jungle fire. The night was passing fast. We'd all done
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 7: time for every crime, and talk was of the past.
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 7: All night. We flopped around the fire until the morning sun.
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 7: Then from town the cops came down. We beat it
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 7: on the run. We scattered to the railroad yards and
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 7: left the bulls behind. Some hit the freights for other states,
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 7: and many rode the blind. Well, here I am in Denvertown,
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 7: a hungry, tired out bow the flyers do when she
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 7: pulls through all grabber and I'll blow. That's her. She's
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 7: whistling for the block. I'll make her on the fly.
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 7: It's number nine to fey line. I'm off again. Goodbye,
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 7: mushy stuff. Eh. He blushed a fiery red. Her heart
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 7: went pitty pat. She gently hung her head and looked
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 7: down at the mat. Mary Jane, Ah, here we have
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 7: the second spasm of the rollicking thirst emporium.
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 1: Ditty. Oh.
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 7: She promised to meet me when the clock struck seventeen
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 7: at the stockyards, just three miles out of town, where
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 7: the pig eyes and pig ears and the tough old
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 7: Texas steers. Sulfur's Sirline steak at eighteen cents a pound chorus.
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 7: Oh she's my honey, my baby. She's mall eyed, she's crazy,
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 7: she's knock kneed, she's pigeontoed, She's lame, although her lower
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 7: teeth are phony from eating swiftspiloni. She's my freckled face
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 7: consumptive merry Jane Casey's revenge. Did you ever hear that
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 7: noted recitation Casey at the bat? Here's a baseball soul
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 7: with a more generous poetic disposition, he replies to the
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 7: old classic, which, as you remember, ended with a mighty
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 7: Casey striking out and glory. B It sure gives us
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 7: a thrill and reminds us of our own Mudville nine
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 7: heavo to this curve by James Wilson. There were saddened
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 7: hearts in Mudville for a week or even more. There
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 7: were muttered oaths and curses. Every fan in town was sore.
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 7: Just think, said one, how soft it looked with Casey
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 7: at the bat, And then to think he'd go and
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 7: pull a Bush League trick like that. All his past
• 1:04:50
  Speaker 7: fame was forgotten. He was now a hopeless shine. They
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 7: called him strike out Casey from the mayor on down
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 7: the line, and as he came to bad each day,
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 7: his bosom heaved a sigh, while a look of hopeless
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 7: fury shone in Mighty Casey's eye. The lane is long,
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 7: someone has said that never has a turn again, and fate,
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 7: though fickle, often gives another chance to men. And Casey smiled,
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 7: his rugged face no longer wore a frown. The pitcher
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 7: who had started all the trouble came to town. All
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 7: Mudville had assembled. Ten thousand fans had come to see
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 7: the twirler who had put Big Casey on the bum,
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 7: and when he stepped into the box, the multitude went wild.
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 7: He doffed his hat in proud disdain, but Casey only smiled. Playball.
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 7: The umpire's voice rang out, and then the game began.
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 7: But in that throng of thousands, there was not a
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 7: single fan who thought that Mudville had a chance, and
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 7: with the setting sun, their hopes sank low. The rival
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 7: team was leading four to one. The last half of
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 7: the ninth came round with no change in the score,
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 7: but when the first man hit up safe, the crowd
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 7: began to roar. The din increased. The echo of ten
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 7: thousand shouts was heard when the pitcher hit the second
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 7: and gave four balls to the third, three men on bases,
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 7: no one out, three runs to tie the game. A
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 7: triple meant the highest niche in Mudville's Hall of fame.
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 7: But here the rally ended, and the gloom was deep
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 7: as night. When the fourth one followed to catch her,
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 7: and the fifth flew out at right, a dismal drone
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 7: in chorus came. A scowl was on each face. When
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 7: Casey walked up, bat in hand and slowly took his place,
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 7: His bloodshot eyes in fury gleamed, his teeth were clenched
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 7: in hate. He gave his cap a vicious hook and
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 7: pounded on the plate. But aime is fleeting as the
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 7: wind and glory fades away. There were no wild and
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 7: wooly cheers, no glad acclaim this day. They hissed and
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 7: groaned and hooded as they clamored strike him out, But
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 7: Casey gave no outward sign that he had heard this shout.
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 7: The pitcher smiled and cut one loose across the plate.
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 7: It sped, another hiss, another groan, strike one. The umpire said,
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 7: zip like a shot. The second curve broke just below
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 7: his knee strike two. The umpire roared aloud, but Casey
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 7: made no plea, no roasting for the umpire. Now his
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 7: was an easy lot. But here the picture whirled again.
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 7: Was that a rifle shot, a whack, a crack, and
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 7: out through space. The leather pellet flew a blot against
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 7: the distant sky, a speck against the blue, about the
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 7: fence and center field, in rapid whirling fees light. The
• 1:08:00
  Speaker 7: ball sailed on the block, grew dim and then was
• 1:08:04
  Speaker 7: lost to sight. Ten thousand hats were thrown in the air,
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 7: then thousand through a fit, but no one ever found
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 7: the ball that Mighty Casey hit. Oh. Somewhere in this
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 7: favored land, dark clouds may hide the sun, and some
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 7: were bands no longer play, and children have no fun,
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 7: and some were over blighted lives. There hangs a heavy pall.
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 7: But Mudville hearts are happy now for Casey hit the ball.
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 7: End of section twelve, Section thirteen of Captain Billy's Whizbang,
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 7: Volume two, number twenty two, July nineteen twenty one. This
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 7: is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 7: public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 7: LibriVox dot org. Captain Billy's Whizbang, Volume two, number twenty
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 7: two July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett Smokous Poetry,
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 7: Part two expurgated by a former acting assistant Buck, Private
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 7: Bud L. Mckillops. Last night I was at a party
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 7: and some fellows sang a song, a song I'd heard,
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 7: But this poor bird had half the words all wrong.
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 7: He sang a soldier bellet, but at lacked the army tang.
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 7: It sounded strange to hear the change. These were the
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 7: words he sang. Mademoiselle from armentiers, harlivou, mademoiselle from armiteers, harlivou,
• 1:09:52
  Speaker 7: mademoiselle from armiteers. She hasn't been kissed in forty years,
• 1:09:57
  Speaker 7: hinkydinky Parlevou. I'd tell you the way we sang it
• 1:10:03
  Speaker 7: around the cafes in France. The words grew worse with
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 7: every verse. I don't dare take a chance.
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 1: Oh.
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 7: I long to see the Captain in the graveyard, with
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 7: the quartermaster sergeant by his side, and the non commissioned
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 7: officers in the toolhouse, while the privates in the mess
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 7: hall running wild. The non commissioned officers are a bunch
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 7: of dirty sticks. They take us to the drill field
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 7: and they teach us dirty tricks. Squads East, squads West, right,
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 7: front into line, the dirty bunch of loafers. They give
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 7: us double time. Then it's home boys, Home, that's where
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 7: we ought to be. Home boys, home to the land
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 7: of liberty. Will hoist old glory to the top of
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 7: the pole, and will all reenlist when the weather gets cold.
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 7: That wasn't the way we sang it to comrades garbed
• 1:10:56
  Speaker 7: in o d. There's some may tell the real song. Well,
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 7: you'll not find out for me. I want to go home.
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 7: I want to go home. The Mademoiselle's in gay Perie.
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 7: They certainly all feel sorry for me. I want to
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 7: go home. I'm here with a busted knee. Oh hell,
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 7: I wish I was well. I want to go home.
• 1:11:21
  Speaker 7: I cried when I heard him sing that. Twas a
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 7: song we sang in breast when long days crept and
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 7: boys were kept in stockades under arrest. Oh why do
• 1:11:33
  Speaker 7: they change those ballads till nothing's left but the air.
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 7: They're made for men to sing them when there's no
• 1:11:40
  Speaker 7: darned women there. Tribute to the Painted Girl by Greasy Moody.
• 1:11:48
  Speaker 7: There are girly girls and whirly girls, and girls who
• 1:11:51
  Speaker 7: are bashful and shy. There are gay brunettes and dizzy
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 7: blondes and the girl with the wicked eye. There's the
• 1:11:58
  Speaker 7: haughty girl who sits on the world as the honey
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 7: from life. She SIPs, but give me the girl the
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 7: world calls bad, the girl with the painted lips. She's
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 7: there with a smile and a friendly word when the
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 7: world is going wrong. She'll jolly you and cheer you
• 1:12:14
  Speaker 7: up and tell you life's a song. She will stick
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 7: by you and play you square no odds if you're
• 1:12:21
  Speaker 7: down and out. She's a dandy pal and a true
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 7: blue friend. I'd say she's a regular scout. Her life
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 7: is not all sunshine and roses, this painted little maid,
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 7: but she hides her hurts behind a smile and faces
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 7: the world unafraid. Little she minds what the world says
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 7: or the goody girls's caustic quips. She's worth a thousand
• 1:12:45
  Speaker 7: Prusish prunes. My girl with the painted lips monkey shines.
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 7: Two young men were riding on a street car which
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 7: I chanced to squeeze into with some two hundred and
• 1:12:57
  Speaker 7: forty nine other adults. I took my drink last night, Algannon,
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 7: said one of the pair. Did you, Clarence, honestly, where
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 7: did you get it? Queried the other? Don at the
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 7: near beer parlor. It was real near beer too, with
• 1:13:12
  Speaker 7: one half of one percent alcohol and everything I've been
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 7: drinking too, said the other. I had two whole glasses
• 1:13:21
  Speaker 7: of near beer the other night. I was going to
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 7: a party, you know, and wanted to get plenty of pep.
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 7: Did you drink your near beer straight or did you
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 7: dilute it with water? Asked Clarence. I drank it straight.
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 7: I wanted to get the full kick straight, you know,
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 7: with a couple of chasers. I certainly went crazy after
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 7: I took that drink, though I thought I was going
• 1:13:42
  Speaker 7: to try to sing it first, said Clarence. I hope
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 7: none of my friends saw the way I acted after
• 1:13:48
  Speaker 7: I took that near beer the other night, Algernon put in.
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 7: I went battie right away. I started telling all sorts
• 1:13:54
  Speaker 7: of funny jokes and laughing ridiculously. Went to see my
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 7: girl immediately after, and she said she could tell I
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 7: had been drinking. After I told her, she promised not
• 1:14:05
  Speaker 7: to tell it though. The two young men got off
• 1:14:08
  Speaker 7: the car about this time, and a grizzled old dog
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 7: sitting in front of me bit the neck off a
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 7: bottle of turpentine. He carried and drank the contents of
• 1:14:16
  Speaker 7: the bottle. I heard that pair talking, he said, Liberty's
• 1:14:23
  Speaker 7: love lights. A young colored couple were sitting at the
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 7: foot of the statue of Liberty. Henry was holding Mandy's hand.
• 1:14:30
  Speaker 7: Henry said, Mandy, does you all know why they has
• 1:14:34
  Speaker 7: such small lights undy statue o Liberty? I don't know,
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 7: replied the Ethiopian swain. A less It's because the less
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 7: light demo Liberty ashes to ashes and fire to fire.
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 7: He's a weak old man. She's a foxy vampire resping
• 1:14:56
  Speaker 7: Restus's roost. What Andy matter catch cold? Yeah? Pretty bad too.
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 7: How come you know I put my bed out in
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 7: the yard and jog on if I didn't go to
• 1:15:11
  Speaker 7: bed last night with the gate open. The head that
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 7: is loaded with wisdom doesn't leak at the mouth. Debt
• 1:15:20
  Speaker 7: is a trap which men sets and baits for himself
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 7: and then deliberately falls into.
• 1:15:28
  Speaker 1: End of section thirteen, Section fourteen of Captain Billy's Quiz
• 1:15:38
  Speaker 1: Bang volume two, number twenty two, July nineteen twenty one.
• 1:15:44
  Speaker 1: This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 1: the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 1: visit LibriVox dot org. Read by Larry Wilson, Captain quiz
• 1:16:00
  Speaker 1: Bang volume two, number twenty two July nineteen twenty one
• 1:16:04
  Speaker 1: by W. H. Fawcett, Arthur Neil's Page and Our Monthly
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 1: Prayer Arthur Neil's Page. I wish to assure the readers
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 1: of Captain William's quiz Bang that what we stand for
• 1:16:18
  Speaker 1: is one country, one flag, one language, and one piece
• 1:16:23
  Speaker 1: bathing suits. Because what looks so cute as a nice
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 1: bathing suit provided inside it? The girl is abute. We
• 1:16:34
  Speaker 1: notice that the very Reverend golightly Moral says, at Puerto
• 1:16:39
  Speaker 1: Cabello one goes in swimming. Uh natural. The guide book
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 1: says the natural beauties of the place are charming. That
• 1:16:48
  Speaker 1: settles it. Porto Cabello is where we spend the vacation.
• 1:16:54
  Speaker 1: We heard someone say I do admire art. We blushed
• 1:16:58
  Speaker 1: as we thought of our But the next thing they
• 1:17:02
  Speaker 1: said was a stab to the heart. Twas looks she's
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 1: so graceful when diving. Every year the bathing regulations grew stricter.
• 1:17:13
  Speaker 1: If Gus the hired man read the ones for Coney
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 1: Island this year, we think he'd say they were more
• 1:17:20
  Speaker 1: in the sea than they do on the sidewalk. Miss
• 1:17:25
  Speaker 1: Venus As perhaps you know, had lost her pair of arms.
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 1: It didn't matter to her beau. The gal had quite
• 1:17:33
  Speaker 1: other charms, As the refined woman single and Vaudeville said,
• 1:17:40
  Speaker 1: I may be no riot, but thank god I'm satisfied.
• 1:17:46
  Speaker 1: Our friends in the songwriting game will be interested to
• 1:17:50
  Speaker 1: learn that we are now at work on a snappy
• 1:17:53
  Speaker 1: little one step entitled When Adam said, Eve, you are
• 1:17:57
  Speaker 1: naughty little girl, she said, well, I don't care. Adam.
• 1:18:04
  Speaker 1: Our monthly prayer, O Fallah, give thy servant this morning
• 1:18:10
  Speaker 1: the eye of the eagle and the wisdom of the owl.
• 1:18:14
  Speaker 1: Connect his soul with the Gospel telephone in the central skies.
• 1:18:20
  Speaker 1: Illuminate his brow with the Son of Heaven. Pison his
• 1:18:24
  Speaker 1: mind with love for the people, typentine his imagination. Grease
• 1:18:30
  Speaker 1: his lips with possum oil power, Lectify his pray with
• 1:18:35
  Speaker 1: the lightning of Delosen his tongue with the sledge hammer
• 1:18:38
  Speaker 1: of thy word, put petrol motion in his arms, feel
• 1:18:43
  Speaker 1: im plumb full of deadynamite of thy glorynoint him all
• 1:18:48
  Speaker 1: over with the kerosene oil of thy salvation, and sought
• 1:18:51
  Speaker 1: him on fire. Amen end of section fourteen.
• 1:19:04
  Speaker 11: Section fifteen of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 1:19:08
  Speaker 11: twenty two, July nineteen twenty one. This is the Liberox recording.
• 1:19:13
  Speaker 11: All Liberox recordings are in the public domain. For more
• 1:19:16
  Speaker 11: information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Read
• 1:19:20
  Speaker 11: by Chris Pyle. Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number
• 1:19:25
  Speaker 11: twenty two July nineteen twenty one, by W. H. Fawcett.
• 1:19:30
  Speaker 11: The Raptures of Cupid. In the April issue we published
• 1:19:33
  Speaker 11: a model love letter, and since then we have been
• 1:19:36
  Speaker 11: deluged with dimes from anxious swains asking us to hurry
• 1:19:39
  Speaker 11: along another letter, as their sweethearts had answered the first
• 1:19:42
  Speaker 11: and were expecting another. As we are always ready to
• 1:19:46
  Speaker 11: sympathize recuroning youths and wish to be obliging, we are
• 1:19:50
  Speaker 11: offering another captivating love note in the following. My dear
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 11: Miss Scumptious, every time I think of you, my heart
• 1:19:57
  Speaker 11: flops up and down like a churn dasher. Sensations of
• 1:20:01
  Speaker 11: unutterable joy caper over it like young goats on a
• 1:20:05
  Speaker 11: stable roof, and thrill through it like Spanish needles to
• 1:20:08
  Speaker 11: a pair of two linen trousers. As a gossling swimmeth
• 1:20:13
  Speaker 11: with delight in a mud puddle, so swim I and
• 1:20:16
  Speaker 11: a sea of glory. Visions of ecstatic rapture, thicker than
• 1:20:20
  Speaker 11: the hairs of a blacking brush and brighter than the
• 1:20:24
  Speaker 11: hues of a humming bird's pinions visit me in my
• 1:20:27
  Speaker 11: slumbers and borne on their invisible wings. Your image stands
• 1:20:31
  Speaker 11: before me, and I reach out to grasp it, like
• 1:20:34
  Speaker 11: a pointer snapping at a blue bottle fly. When I
• 1:20:37
  Speaker 11: first beheld your angelic perfections, I was bewildered, and my
• 1:20:41
  Speaker 11: brain whirled round like a bumble bee under a glass tumbler.
• 1:20:45
  Speaker 11: My eyes stood open like cellar doors in a country town,
• 1:20:48
  Speaker 11: and I lifted up my ears to catch the silvery
• 1:20:51
  Speaker 11: accents of your voice. My tongue refused to wag, and
• 1:20:54
  Speaker 11: in silent adoration, I drank in the sweet infection of
• 1:20:58
  Speaker 11: love as a thirsty man swallowth a tumbler of hot
• 1:21:00
  Speaker 11: whisky punch since the light of your face fell upon
• 1:21:04
  Speaker 11: my life. I sometimes feel as if I could lift
• 1:21:07
  Speaker 11: myself up by my boot straps to the top of
• 1:21:10
  Speaker 11: the church steeple and pull the bell rope for singing
• 1:21:13
  Speaker 11: school day and night. You are in my thoughts when
• 1:21:18
  Speaker 11: Aurora rising from her saffron colored couch, flushing like a bride,
• 1:21:23
  Speaker 11: When the jay bird pipes his tuneful lay in the
• 1:21:25
  Speaker 11: apple tree by the spring house, when the chanticleer's shrill
• 1:21:28
  Speaker 11: clarion heralds the coming morn, When the awakening pig ariseth
• 1:21:33
  Speaker 11: from his bed and grunteth and goeth forth for his
• 1:21:35
  Speaker 11: morning refreshments. When the drowsy beetle wheels to droning flight
• 1:21:39
  Speaker 11: at sultry noontide, and when the lowing herds come home
• 1:21:44
  Speaker 11: at milking time. I think of thee, and like a
• 1:21:48
  Speaker 11: piece of gum elastic, my heart seems stretched clear across
• 1:21:51
  Speaker 11: my bosom. Your hair is like the mane of a
• 1:21:54
  Speaker 11: sorrel horse, powdered with gold, and the brass pins skewered
• 1:21:58
  Speaker 11: through your waterfall filled me with unbound at all. Your
• 1:22:02
  Speaker 11: forehead is smoother than the elbow of an old coat.
• 1:22:05
  Speaker 11: Your eyes are glorious to behold, in their liquid depths.
• 1:22:09
  Speaker 11: I see legions of little Cupid's bathing like a cohort
• 1:22:12
  Speaker 11: of ants in an old army cracker. When their fire
• 1:22:15
  Speaker 11: hit me upon my manly breast, it penetrated my whole
• 1:22:18
  Speaker 11: anatomy as a load of bird shot through a rotten apple.
• 1:22:23
  Speaker 11: Your nose the chunk of parian marble, and your mouth
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 11: is puckered with sweetness. Nectar lingers on your lips like
• 1:22:30
  Speaker 11: honey on a bear's paw, and myriads of unfledged kisses
• 1:22:34
  Speaker 11: are there, ready to fly out in light somewhere, like
• 1:22:37
  Speaker 11: bluebirds out of their parents nest. Your laugh rings in
• 1:22:41
  Speaker 11: my ears like the wind harp's strain, or the bleat
• 1:22:44
  Speaker 11: of a stray lamb on a bleak hill side. The
• 1:22:47
  Speaker 11: dimples in your cheeks are like bowers and beds of roses,
• 1:22:50
  Speaker 11: hollows and cakes of homemade sugar. I am dying to
• 1:22:54
  Speaker 11: fly to thy presence and pour out the burning eloquence
• 1:22:57
  Speaker 11: of my love, as thrifty housewives pour out hot coffee
• 1:23:01
  Speaker 11: away from you. I am as melancholy as a rat.
• 1:23:05
  Speaker 11: Sometimes I can hear the june bugs of despondency buzzing
• 1:23:08
  Speaker 11: in my ears and feel the cold lizards of despair
• 1:23:11
  Speaker 11: crawling down my back. Uncouth fears like a thousand minnows
• 1:23:15
  Speaker 11: nibble at my spirits, and my soul is pierced with doubts,
• 1:23:18
  Speaker 11: as an old cheese is bored with skippers. My lefee
• 1:23:22
  Speaker 11: is stronger than the smell of patent butter or the
• 1:23:25
  Speaker 11: kick of a young cow, and more unselfish than that
• 1:23:28
  Speaker 11: kitten's first catterwall. As a song bird hankers for the
• 1:23:32
  Speaker 11: light of day, the cautious mouse for the fresh bacon
• 1:23:35
  Speaker 11: in the trap. As a mean pup hankers after new milk.
• 1:23:40
  Speaker 11: So I long for thee. You are fairer than a
• 1:23:43
  Speaker 11: speckled pullet, sweeter than a yankee doughnut, fried and sorghum molasses,
• 1:23:49
  Speaker 11: brighter than the top not plumage of muscovy ducks. You
• 1:23:52
  Speaker 11: are candy kisses, raisins, pound cake, and sweetened toddy altogether.
• 1:23:58
  Speaker 11: If these few remarks will enable you to see the
• 1:24:00
  Speaker 11: inside of my soul and me to win your affection,
• 1:24:03
  Speaker 11: I shall be as happy as a woodpecker on a
• 1:24:05
  Speaker 11: cherry tree or a stage horse in a green pasture.
• 1:24:09
  Speaker 11: If you cannot reciprocate my thrilling passion, I will pine
• 1:24:12
  Speaker 11: away like a poisoned bedbug, and fall away from a
• 1:24:16
  Speaker 11: flourishing vine of life, an untimely branch. And in the
• 1:24:19
  Speaker 11: coming years, when the shadows grow from the hills and
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 11: the philosophical frog sings his cheerful evening hymn, you happy
• 1:24:27
  Speaker 11: in another's love, can come and cast a tear and
• 1:24:30
  Speaker 11: catch a cold upon the last resting place of yours. Affectionately,
• 1:24:35
  Speaker 11: and a john give her a ring under the eye.
• 1:24:41
  Speaker 11: What shall I give my girl for a birthday present?
• 1:24:45
  Speaker 11: Why not give her a book?
• 1:24:47
  Speaker 4: No?
• 1:24:47
  Speaker 11: I think she has a book? Where did you get
• 1:24:52
  Speaker 11: the idea? Right out of my head? And I have
• 1:24:54
  Speaker 11: enough left to make a crazy quilt. Judging from a
• 1:24:59
  Speaker 11: spring style, the only cap a girl will set for
• 1:25:01
  Speaker 11: a man this summer will be a kneecap a human obsession.
• 1:25:07
  Speaker 11: We've got a discharged soldier in our town who was
• 1:25:09
  Speaker 11: gassed and had his leg shot off. He is forever
• 1:25:12
  Speaker 11: looking for his lost leg and often seems to think
• 1:25:14
  Speaker 11: a woman may have it. With the result he is
• 1:25:16
  Speaker 11: arrested every few days on someone's complaint and is let go.
• 1:25:21
  Speaker 11: We'd call that a pleasant mania. End of Section fifteen.
• 1:25:32
  Speaker 5: Section sixteen of Captain Billy Wisbang Volume two, number twenty two,
• 1:25:37
  Speaker 5: July nineteen twenty one. This is a libyvox recording. All
• 1:25:42
  Speaker 5: Liveryvrox recordings are in the public domain. For more information
• 1:25:46
  Speaker 5: or to volunteer, please visit libriyvox dot org. Read by
• 1:25:51
  Speaker 5: Oogie's Ragdoll, Captain Billy's Whisbang Volume two, number twenty two
• 1:25:57
  Speaker 5: July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett. Pasture Potpourri,
• 1:26:05
  Speaker 5: no Madeline. The charge of the light Brigade does not
• 1:26:08
  Speaker 5: refer to your gas and electric bills. Bedroom farcicle maxims.
• 1:26:14
  Speaker 5: Never retire in a garage unless you atto, and never
• 1:26:19
  Speaker 5: sleep in a stable for a stall. Love is the
• 1:26:24
  Speaker 5: intoxication of joy. Marriage is the DTAs there we are
• 1:26:30
  Speaker 5: in again. Policeman Knife had by his wife a set
• 1:26:34
  Speaker 5: of bouncing twins. One took a cough which took it
• 1:26:38
  Speaker 5: off from this abode of sins. Number one, no sooner,
• 1:26:42
  Speaker 5: died and into the coffin slid when number two took
• 1:26:45
  Speaker 5: the flu and joined the other kid. She only weighs
• 1:26:49
  Speaker 5: two pounds less than a horse. There are a thousand
• 1:26:53
  Speaker 5: things life's worth living. For one is wine, one is song,
• 1:26:57
  Speaker 5: and the other nine hundred ninety eight are women. I
• 1:27:02
  Speaker 5: got a girl named Stella. She's got a mouth like
• 1:27:05
  Speaker 5: an open umbrella. She's knock kneed, crippled, her eyes turned in.
• 1:27:09
  Speaker 5: But a darn good girl for the shape she's in.
• 1:27:14
  Speaker 5: Woman rocks were on greatest men have often wrecked. If
• 1:27:19
  Speaker 5: all the trees had limbs like thine, I think the
• 1:27:22
  Speaker 5: woods would be divine. No one seems to kick about
• 1:27:27
  Speaker 5: the high cost of hooch these days, of course not.
• 1:27:30
  Speaker 5: The kick is in the drink. They were married and
• 1:27:34
  Speaker 5: lived happily ever after. Next day, I asked our sinog
• 1:27:41
  Speaker 5: why firemen wear red suspenders. She said, those I know
• 1:27:46
  Speaker 5: don't I know a man without a sin he is dead.
• 1:27:53
  Speaker 5: Kiss fighters, roses game, Mary's pretty small. Nelly fights back,
• 1:27:59
  Speaker 5: But I like them all. Life is just one damn
• 1:28:03
  Speaker 5: thing after another, and love is just two damn things
• 1:28:07
  Speaker 5: after each other. Why do you wear your stockings inside out?
• 1:28:12
  Speaker 5: Because there is a hole on the other side. A
• 1:28:16
  Speaker 5: news item says, knee pants for men are bound to come.
• 1:28:20
  Speaker 5: I wonder if the women will stand on the street
• 1:28:23
  Speaker 5: corner admire our shapely legs, and will men wear silkcose
• 1:28:28
  Speaker 5: of green and pink and purple hues with Jacob's ladder
• 1:28:32
  Speaker 5: showing let us pray alphabetical stuff. Why why you are?
• 1:28:40
  Speaker 1: Why?
• 1:28:40
  Speaker 4: Why you b?
• 1:28:42
  Speaker 5: I see you are? Why?
• 1:28:44
  Speaker 7: Why?
• 1:28:44
  Speaker 5: For me? But we won't keep you in suspense? Two
• 1:28:49
  Speaker 5: wise you are too wise?
• 1:28:50
  Speaker 4: You be?
• 1:28:51
  Speaker 5: I see you are two wise for me? Teacher Willie,
• 1:28:57
  Speaker 5: can you tell me the definition of a hangar?
• 1:29:00
  Speaker 7: Willie?
• 1:29:01
  Speaker 5: A place where airplanes are hung? A montifidous comparison from
• 1:29:08
  Speaker 5: the Montifido Minnesota American. In albert Lea, the other day,
• 1:29:14
  Speaker 5: a man was shot dead when found with another man's wife.
• 1:29:17
  Speaker 5: If this practice were strictly adhered to in Montevito, the
• 1:29:21
  Speaker 5: undertakers would be rushed to death. Pertinent question from Portland,
• 1:29:28
  Speaker 5: Oregonian young womanhood that wears wrist bottles and check corsets
• 1:29:35
  Speaker 5: is not typical of the best? Do their mothers know
• 1:29:38
  Speaker 5: their root? Tell it to the judge. In a recent
• 1:29:43
  Speaker 5: scandal case in New York, a letty declined to answer
• 1:29:47
  Speaker 5: a question because she said it wasn't fit to tell
• 1:29:50
  Speaker 5: decent people. Oh well, replied the lawyer. Just step up
• 1:29:54
  Speaker 5: and whisper it to the judge. Our short story. He
• 1:30:00
  Speaker 5: cold hon she about to freeze. He wants my coat.
• 1:30:05
  Speaker 5: She just the sleeve. The glorious days two drunks hanging
• 1:30:13
  Speaker 5: on a lamp post at two a m. Number one, Shay,
• 1:30:17
  Speaker 5: do you know the Tom Perkins? Number two? Know what's
• 1:30:21
  Speaker 5: his name? Number one?
• 1:30:23
  Speaker 4: Who?
• 1:30:26
  Speaker 5: Daytona beach ballad?
• 1:30:29
  Speaker 1: Come all, you.
• 1:30:30
  Speaker 5: Reformers, if you want to raise l Here comes a
• 1:30:33
  Speaker 5: woman from the Breaker's Hotel with dropstitch stockings and high
• 1:30:37
  Speaker 5: heled shoes, a pack of cigarettes, and a bottle of booze.
• 1:30:43
  Speaker 5: Always smile it gets you something. End of section sixteen.
• 1:30:55
  Speaker 3: Section seventeen of Captain Billy's Whizbang, Volume two, number twenty two,
• 1:30:58
  Speaker 3: July nineteen twenty one. This is a LibriVox recording. All
• 1:31:01
  Speaker 3: LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information
• 1:31:05
  Speaker 3: or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Read by
• 1:31:08
  Speaker 3: Anthony Will Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Volume two, number twenty two,
• 1:31:11
  Speaker 3: July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett Our Rural Mailbox,
• 1:31:17
  Speaker 3: Tenny Son. The best way to prevent your dog from
• 1:31:19
  Speaker 3: suffering with the heat in July is to kill him
• 1:31:21
  Speaker 3: in June. Monkey bite. I'm sure I can't answer your
• 1:31:25
  Speaker 3: question as to why a girl's eyelids drop down whenever
• 1:31:28
  Speaker 3: she kisses a man. But where there's no sense, there's
• 1:31:30
  Speaker 3: no feeling, you know, manicurist, I don't blame you for
• 1:31:34
  Speaker 3: refusing to manicure the nails of the fellow with Saint
• 1:31:37
  Speaker 3: Vitus's dance out West. If you are lonesome for cape Cod,
• 1:31:42
  Speaker 3: why not rub fresh herring on yourself and dream you
• 1:31:44
  Speaker 3: are back home? Elbow. If your trousers are too short,
• 1:31:49
  Speaker 3: pull up your shoes, hophead, flop your ears. There is
• 1:31:53
  Speaker 3: a fly on your neck. Pope, Yes, Pope, we've succeeded
• 1:31:59
  Speaker 3: in making our own moon shine. A ladies man, though
• 1:32:03
  Speaker 3: I'm growing old and feeble, and my hair is turning gray,
• 1:32:06
  Speaker 3: and my youth has died within me, and my teeth
• 1:32:09
  Speaker 3: have passed away. Though my strength is fastly failing, and
• 1:32:12
  Speaker 3: a hump is on my back, and my bones are
• 1:32:14
  Speaker 3: getting stiffer, and my heart is out of whack. Every
• 1:32:17
  Speaker 3: time I go out walking, some fair dame is bound
• 1:32:20
  Speaker 3: to fall. Nothing in this world can stop them. I'm
• 1:32:23
  Speaker 3: a ladies man, that's all. My friend Wheeler says that
• 1:32:27
  Speaker 3: many a man who is a good shot in this
• 1:32:29
  Speaker 3: world hopes that he'll missfire in the next Some women
• 1:32:33
  Speaker 3: allow their husbands to kiss them for the sake of contrast,
• 1:32:37
  Speaker 3: Some evening gowns allow a woman to put up a
• 1:32:39
  Speaker 3: very bold front. The proper length for skirts, as decreed
• 1:32:43
  Speaker 3: by fashion, is a little over two feet. Don't cry, Mary, Anne,
• 1:32:48
  Speaker 3: and there's no use to talk, because this is the
• 1:32:51
  Speaker 3: time that we've both got to walk. A man never
• 1:32:54
  Speaker 3: knows his real value until he sued for breach of promise.
• 1:32:58
  Speaker 12: End of section seventeen, Section number eighteen of Captain Billy's
• 1:33:09
  Speaker 12: Whiz Bang, Volume two, number twenty two, July nineteen twenty one.
• 1:33:15
  Speaker 12: This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in
• 1:33:19
  Speaker 12: the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please
• 1:33:24
  Speaker 12: visit LibriVox dot org. Captain Willie's Whizbang Volume two, number
• 1:33:30
  Speaker 12: twenty two, July nineteen twenty one by W. H. Fawcett, Jest,
• 1:33:37
  Speaker 12: jokes and jingles. Gertie, why don't you get a husband, Sophie?
• 1:33:44
  Speaker 12: Not for me, gert I've a friend who has one timidity.
• 1:33:50
  Speaker 12: A timid girl is Bessie Bates. She doesn't kiss, she osculates.
• 1:33:56
  Speaker 12: Do you really love me? She wrote, referring to my
• 1:34:01
  Speaker 12: last letter, he promptly replied. You'll find that I love
• 1:34:05
  Speaker 12: you devotedly on page one, madly on page two, and
• 1:34:10
  Speaker 12: passionately on pages three, four and five.
• 1:34:16
  Speaker 9: Think it over. And the best and worst of this
• 1:34:19
  Speaker 9: is that neither is most to blame.
• 1:34:23
  Speaker 12: If you've forgotten my kisses and I've forgotten your name.
• 1:34:30
  Speaker 12: Our advice. If your limb is pretty, show it. If
• 1:34:34
  Speaker 12: your cash is plenty, go it. If your horn is noisy.
• 1:34:39
  Speaker 1: Blow it.
• 1:34:42
  Speaker 12: Why did he shake her because he saw the spoon holder,
• 1:34:49
  Speaker 12: the potato masher, the lemon squeezer, the egg beater, the
• 1:34:54
  Speaker 12: can opener, the nutcracker, But when he saw the cork puller,
• 1:35:01
  Speaker 12: he gave her up.
• 1:35:05
  Speaker 9: A good education.
• 1:35:07
  Speaker 12: A Jewish father, entertaining some friends, told his four year
• 1:35:10
  Speaker 12: old son Abby to stand on a chair. Now, Abby,
• 1:35:14
  Speaker 12: he said, jump to fadda. As soon as Abby jumped,
• 1:35:18
  Speaker 12: the father stepped out of the way and let the
• 1:35:21
  Speaker 12: boy fall on his face on the floor. Asked why
• 1:35:24
  Speaker 12: he had done so, the father replied, I am teaching
• 1:35:28
  Speaker 12: dot boy not to trust anybody.
• 1:35:30
  Speaker 9: Not even his own father. Write your own heading.
• 1:35:40
  Speaker 12: A young lady went to a department store and told
• 1:35:42
  Speaker 12: the clerk she wanted a pair of garters. What kind,
• 1:35:46
  Speaker 12: he asked, Robert said, she yes, Gwendolen. A divorce suit
• 1:35:54
  Speaker 12: is the opposite to a union suit. Little Willie definition
• 1:36:00
  Speaker 12: of a kiss is something I got in my mouth
• 1:36:04
  Speaker 12: and you got in your mouth, and we push our
• 1:36:06
  Speaker 12: mouths together. He kissed me, and oh the ecstasy of
• 1:36:15
  Speaker 12: that fond embrace. He kissed me and he got a
• 1:36:20
  Speaker 12: slap in the face. He kissed me and got a
• 1:36:25
  Speaker 12: thump on the chin. But he kissed me again and again.
• 1:36:36
  Speaker 12: Our monthly motto, have you a little whimpus in your house? Nowadays,
• 1:36:45
  Speaker 12: a girl doesn't think she's well dressed unless she's almost undressed.
• 1:36:52
  Speaker 12: Some girls are built for short dresses, while others use
• 1:36:57
  Speaker 12: poor judgment. When Miss Failure thinks she has you cinched,
• 1:37:03
  Speaker 12: then along comes Miss Success, who bids you to follow
• 1:37:06
  Speaker 12: her and wear diamonds.
• 1:37:12
  Speaker 9: Cheer up, brother.
• 1:37:14
  Speaker 12: Anticipation is the mother of realization, so there's nothing like
• 1:37:19
  Speaker 12: hoping for the best.
• 1:37:24
  Speaker 9: It feels so good.
• 1:37:27
  Speaker 12: A patient at the Traverse Hospital for Insane had a
• 1:37:31
  Speaker 12: mallet in his pocket, and at regular intervals he would
• 1:37:34
  Speaker 12: take it out and bang himself over the head with it.
• 1:37:37
  Speaker 12: Ask why he punished himself that way, he replied, because
• 1:37:42
  Speaker 12: it feels so good when I stop. But for God's sake,
• 1:37:49
  Speaker 12: don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm running a blind pig.
• 1:37:56
  Speaker 12: Perfume leads to divorce headline.
• 1:38:00
  Speaker 9: Ah and well do we know the brand? You gotta
• 1:38:07
  Speaker 9: show me.
• 1:38:07
  Speaker 12: I'm from Missouri, said the big man. Well watch me,
• 1:38:12
  Speaker 12: I'm from Elgin, said the little fellow. By crossing a
• 1:38:20
  Speaker 12: rumhound with a Volstead water Spaniel, efficient our hounds have
• 1:38:24
  Speaker 12: been produced. These dogs have an on airing scent for
• 1:38:28
  Speaker 12: prescription peddling physicians. When asked to join the game, he declined,
• 1:38:37
  Speaker 12: saying he had a hundred reasons for not playing. Give
• 1:38:41
  Speaker 12: us one, they asked. The first one is I haven't
• 1:38:45
  Speaker 12: any money. You can stick the other ninety nine in
• 1:38:49
  Speaker 12: your hip pocket. Came the final chorus. Speaking of famous springs,
• 1:38:57
  Speaker 12: said the tramp to the tourist, than the spring of
• 1:39:01
  Speaker 12: eighty six, Many are dressed, but few are clothes. There
• 1:39:14
  Speaker 12: is no prospect of an early reduction in the wages
• 1:39:17
  Speaker 12: of sin. A sad, sad tale, lots of money, matrimony,
• 1:39:28
  Speaker 12: blown money, disharmony, testamony, alimony, the shooting of Dan McGrew,
• 1:39:44
  Speaker 12: Robert W. Servis's Great Poem will take a leading place
• 1:39:48
  Speaker 12: in the winter annual of Captain Billy's whiz Bang, out
• 1:39:51
  Speaker 12: in October, together with The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band,
• 1:39:56
  Speaker 12: The Face on the Barroom Floor, Alaska in Full, Langdon
• 1:40:02
  Speaker 12: Smith's Evolution, and scores of other red Blooded gems. In
• 1:40:07
  Speaker 12: addition to the Smokehouse poetry section, there will be stories, jokes, jests, jingles,
• 1:40:13
  Speaker 12: mailbag questions and answers, and a galaxy of illustrations. The
• 1:40:19
  Speaker 12: annual will be apart from the regular October issue and
• 1:40:23
  Speaker 12: will be on sale as long as supply lasts. Our
• 1:40:26
  Speaker 12: first annual nineteen twenty sold out within two weeks, only
• 1:40:31
  Speaker 12: three months to wait. End of Section number eighteen, read
• 1:40:40
  Speaker 12: by Alicia Wellman near Tallahassee, Florida, September seventeenth, twenty twenty three.
• 1:40:48
  Speaker 12: End of Captain Billy's Whizbang, Volume two, number twenty two,
• 1:40:52
  Speaker 12: July nineteen twenty one, by W. H.
• 1:40:56
  Speaker 9: Fawcett