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Get Excited About Your Future With A Clear Vision · The D Shift

• 0:05
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hi, and welcome to another episode of the D Shift podcast. I am really excited to have Barb Monson on the on the podcast today, Barb is a friend of mine, she's a fantastic person I have so enjoyed that we've did a few months together in a mastermind group. So we got to know each other quite well. Barb is an author, speaker and life coach. And she is also the founder of move your mountain, an amazing coaching program that helps women who are feeling stuck to get unstuck and also overcome some of those fears that might be holding us back. So Barb, welcome.
• 0:59
  Barb Monson: Thank you. I'm so glad to be here.
• 1:01
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Well, it's wonderful to have you and Barb, I always have put people right on the spot right out the gate. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what brought you here and why is this your area of passion?
• 1:12
  Barb Monson: Well, this is my area of passion. Because I was the woman I was the before picture, if you will, I did all the shoulds I did all the right things. I went to school and got the job and the husband and the House and the promotion and another degree and I kept doing everything that I was told would make me happy and successful. And yes, I found achievement. But I really didn't find purpose or peace in my life at all, I just got more of what I didn't want. So I really struggled with wanting to be grateful for where I was and what I had. But knowing that I was meant for more, and being too afraid to make a big change in my life because I had invested so much in being exactly where I was. So I finally just I said enough, when the when the kids left the house, I stepped out of my CFO job, walked away from it completely with no plan. And just Yeah, I looked fear in the face and kind of figured out how to work through it and really discovered that the parts that I loved about being a CFO were solving problems and bringing out people's potential. So I really took that skill set and started applying it to helping women go through the same journey that I did, although most of them don't want to just quit their job. We allow them to keep their job and still pay the bills. But find the more that's waiting for them.
• 2:35
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Is it you know what? It's funny, because we were just talking about that because I've had a something in my life that Barb knows about this, that I've been trying to quit for so long. Do you know about it? It's you know, it's so it's kind of a side hustle. But the thing is, it pays some of the bills. And it's scary to think about. Okay, so I take this big leap, I take this big gamble on myself roll the dice. Well, you know, what happens if it doesn't work? Where do I go? What do I do so? So tell us a little bit about how that fear impacts? How do you see that fear impacting your clients lives? Like? How would I know if I'm living in that stuck situation?
• 3:21
  Barb Monson: I think it will it informs your decision making and how willing you might be to step into something uncomfortable. One thing that I've learned about fear, even from my own experience is it's a chameleon. So it will show up differently, depending on what you're doing. So when I, for example, just my own journey of leaving my corporate job, I first had fear of losing money, where how will I get paid? That I I really was entrenched in my job being my security versus what was my contribution to the world. And we all have to pay the bills, I get that. But I finally had to face it. And just like you, Marty, you said, Well, what if it doesn't work? I finally asked myself, what what if it doesn't work? What if I step off this track? And it's just an utter and complete failure? And do I know how to make money? I just asked myself, do I know how to go make money? And the answer was, yes, I have a lot of experience, I have a lot of connections. Even if I have to contract for a while. There's no shame in that. So I do know how to go make money if this doesn't work out. So I think recognizing that it's going to show up differently before you even start. But once you start, that's where I see the difference with my clients when we work on implementation. Once they get over that first hump, new fears pop up, usually around identity or some self doubt or just other issues that come up once they're moving towards a new goal. They have new fears.
• 4:49
  Mardi Winder-Adams: I was gonna say you know, because I was a teacher and a behavior consultant. And when I when I switched careers and became as, you know, mediator coach, like executive coach, and then divorce transition coach, it was kind of like, it took me a while to even be able to do that, because there was this thought, and people would say to me, but you have a master's degree in education, why? Why are you continue doing that? What you know, what's so bad about teaching? You know, it becomes like, I, this is who I am. And I think a lot of this happens. So I'm going to go off your topic a little bit. But I think a lot of this happens with divorce. Because we identify as we're in a partnership, we're, we're part of the team, we're even if that team is not not functioning, well, it's still the team that we're on. So what do you think about that sense of professional identity? Where does does that play in? I've heard you say that identity? So is that what you're talking about here?
• 5:52
  Barb Monson: Yes, it's absolutely huge for me, once I got through the first fear that it really came down to two fears, losing money and looking stupid. So once I got over the first fear, I realized how much of my identity was wrapped up in my title, and my role and what I did for a living, and I am the type of person who's always meeting new people. And I really struggled meeting new people and not knowing how to introduce myself. Sure, because even though I'm me, I'm the same knee, I didn't have that title to fall back on. And I really didn't know how to say what I did, or what I was doing, or what I was trying to discover. I think for women going through divorce, fear comes up, maybe even in the very beginning of the process of whether to even get divorced, because of all of the uncertainty, right. And then once they're down that path, like you said, there's an identity switch, there's a change in relationships, maybe there's there's certainly a financial fear, a fear of the future, a fear of that first date that they go on, a fear of, are people going to pick sides, you know, who what relationships are going to be impacted. So I think, the farther you get down the road of a new journey, the more fears and different fears pop up, you have to be equipped to handle each one. Right?
• 7:11
  Mardi Winder-Adams: You know, when you were when you were talking about all those different titles and labels and and ways that we identify ourselves. I can't remember where I was, and there was at some workshop somewhere, like when we used to do in person things. And it was really funny because the the exercise was pretend you're on a desert island. And that's where you've lived all your life. You've never met other people you've never, you have no no titles, no relationships, no nothing. You've lived by yourself all your life. How do you introduce yourself? And that was the hardest exercise because what do we automatically do? I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a professional. I'm a, I have my dogs, I have my you know, I love gardening. It's like, well, I love gardening would be something you could do on that. But you know what I mean? It's like, we identify ourselves so much by what we have, and where we are within within our community or society or relationship, whatever it is. So when you when you're trying to move through fear. How do you think why do you think some people could do it so easily? Like they almost can. They have no fear, they just do these massive leaps and massive cages, and they kind of just sail through it and they seem to be everything's cool. And other people even to take the smallest step is, is frozen fear they can't move.
• 8:44
  Barb Monson: Right, I think, I think it comes down to a couple of things that enter my mind. One is, fear is not a muscle. It's not something that you have to exercise or practice, it takes no effort to maintain fear. It's almost like a default mode that keeps you safe. And whether it's the true survival fear, like seeing a bear shirt, or whatever it is, it's uncomfortable. If you are not used to exercising the the counter muscle to that which would be having faith in something that you don't see, having some self belief, you know, whatever your belief system is, there's always some version of faith that overcomes fear. You can't see either one, you can't see what you're imagining that you're fearful of and you can't see a different outcome that requires faith. But if you are not used to practicing the muscle of faith, and overcoming fear, I think it's much much harder. The other part of the answer would be whether you can visualize the outcome that you're after. So if you are laser focused on a vision of something, even when fear gets in the way, the outcome has to be bigger than the fear even its trick Because outcomes that we wish for or are envisioning are usually far down the road. And fear is right now staring us in the face, right, and it's trying to tell us it's keeping us safe. But if you have some type of practice, I would recommend a daily practice of having a very clear vision, that you are really excited about something that you are looking forward to, and that you are creating that can help you overcome fear. So the women in particular, who we we relate ourselves to everyone else, yeah, and we often don't have a firm identity or a grounding in ourselves, if they've done the work, where they have a clear vision of where they're headed. And they've been exercising the muscle that fights fear, they're going to get there much quicker.
• 10:46
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And I love that, and I want to throw this out there when you said that a lot of women sometimes don't have a clear vision, they have a general idea, like don't get us, you know, Bob, you're not suggesting that we're just kind of floating through the environment. But you know, we kind of had a general goal of where we want to be and what we want to do. And when you talk to men, men typically go, I want to be, you know, retired by 35, I want to be, you know, marlin fishing off the coast of Florida of 15 days a month, like they got all these definite plans, they know when you play what they want to do. And that's not that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing. And so I think sometimes, I think this is a bit of a societal thing. And maybe it's a bit of a generational thing as well. But I think women are, are a little more passive about that. It's like, well, I want to do what's best for the family, I want to do what's best for this person or that person. There's nothing wrong with having your own goals, it's not being selfish. It's not being unreasonable. And your goals may be parallel, or almost identical to your spouse's goals, if you're married, or through your new partner schools, or to, you know, whoever you're aligning with at that point in time in your life, there's nothing wrong with having similar goals, they don't have to be divergent, right? They can be they can be similar. Do you do vision boards at all, is that something you work with your clients on or what's
• 12:15
  Barb Monson: not necessarily in the client program that I do walk them through what's called vision casting, and we spend one whole session just on that. And we don't do any goal setting until we do vision casting, which digs into we get grounded on where they are now. But we do have do a lot of writing together, we do envision where they want to go. But it's, it's you have to emotionalize you have to be able to see what you want and emotionalize with it, for that to overcome fear. So we do a lot of, you know, how do you want to feel when you step into your office? Or when you look at your calendar for the week? How do you want to feel at work? How do you want to feel when you get dressed, or when you look at your bank account. So you might be a person who has been chasing the corner office, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you also know that you want to work autonomously, and you don't want a lot of interruptions or you want more peace in your day, you might be chasing a job that doesn't align with how you want to feel and show up. So we work through that. So if they want to go make a vision board, or I might do vision boards at an in person event, you know that those are kind of extra outside the program, but we definitely do go through vision casting,
• 13:33
  Mardi Winder-Adams: okay. And I think that that, you know, that's something that again, you don't have to be going through a divorce or life transition to just have, you know, just feel like, okay, I'm on this roller, this hamster wheel, where I'm going, going, going, I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing. But I never feel like I get to where I want to be. And here's the here's the key, because you don't know where the endpoint is, if you don't, you're going you don't know when you got there. Right? So or how to get there. So that's really cool that you do that. How many of the women that you work with? When you're talking to them when you're speaking through that vision casting exercise? How many of them are like holy cow, I never even thought of this before? Or is it something are your 100%?
• 14:17
  Barb Monson: Yeah, 100% Okay. And sometimes we have to just do the work to get past but it is okay to set a vision because they will think it's selfish. Or it they might have a face or based or, you know, religious belief that says, Well, I can't want something for myself. That's that's not what I'm designed for. So we do some work to just work through that and around it. And yeah, really put them on the path of creating the life that they were meant to have them that they want to have.
• 14:47
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Right, right. And that's got to be so powerful. I bet you they really, I mean, do you see literally because
• 14:54
  Barb Monson: I'm guessing you do it. Zoom right. It's zoom. It's just like this. Yeah, we see faces. So do you
• 14:59
  Mardi Winder-Adams: act Should we see them physically transform? When they do this exercise? I do.
• 15:05
  Barb Monson: But it's different because sometimes I see almost like a slump down. And an initial discouragement because they've written out what they want. But, but this is early in the coaching process, and they don't yet see that it can happen. Sure. So sometimes it's Wow, now I know I know what I want. And I don't have it, and I want it yesterday, right. And I don't even know how to get there. So sometimes it can feel discouraging at first. But I also see, I just see a lot of exhale, just, and you know, how we hold ourselves tense all the time. So sometimes I just see, wow, just this realization that there's some power in creating my future.
• 15:47
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And I want to I want to throw in here, this is not fake it till you make it, that this whole thought that this is the opposite of fake it till you make it, this is start start building now. So that when you so that you have that clear path of where you're going, not just arbitrarily picking something, oh, I want to be a CEO. So I'm gonna dress like a CEO and act like a CEO doesn't work that way. I mean, I'm, I'm saying that and probably somebody's gonna yell at me now because that's their, their their ticket, but I don't believe it works. I think you can. Everybody knows what you're doing. Really weird. So, so I love that helping helping them. What other ways do you see fear kind of coming into somebody's life, especially somebody, let's, let's get off the divorce train. And let's go with the people who are in a in a career, because I know that's really your target audience, they may be going through a divorce, but a lot of your people, your women you work with do work with men, as well as are just women or
• 16:47
  Barb Monson: No, no, I'm extended private coaching, I'll do just a VIP power session. Okay. But yeah, I kind of draw the line there, just because coaching is somewhat intimate. And I want to respect their spouse and mine. And I'm not the best person to make men stronger, right, just longer men. So I'm just saying, and,
• 17:09
  Mardi Winder-Adams: you know, like I work with, I work with women only. Because I don't want to be caught in some kind of conflict situation. And I just, I'm kind of like you, I think I understand where women is coming more than, like, understand where a man is coming from. And so I don't think that I would be as effective. So I completely respect that. So now, where was I going with
• 17:31
  Barb Monson: that? I wonder professional women are how we see it professional women are few like
• 17:35
  Mardi Winder-Adams: stack, um, what might be some of the things that they notice in their day to day life that, that there that doesn't feel right to them, or that feels off or out of sync or out of alignment? What am I think of noticing?
• 17:51
  Barb Monson: Oh, a big part of it is I think we a lot of us, we lose ourselves. Because we become these hyper achievers that show up, and we don't see our value in what we know. And it's in what we get done. So a lot of women are afraid to say no, in the workplace, or set boundaries, where I think men are very good at that they can turn down a project and feel very comfortable that they won't lose value at work by setting boundaries. I think. Yeah, just from a fear standpoint. Women are afraid to say this generalizing but it's just what I'm seeing, and what I experienced myself, women have a tendency to be more afraid to say no, and be more afraid to ask for promotions or go after things that they aren't 110% qualified for. Right? So just a lot of self limiting actions. Yeah. Yeah.
• 18:48
  Mardi Winder-Adams: It's really funny, you said that, that we don't think we're qualified for because I, you know, and again, I'm gonna say I'm, I'm older. I'm not. I'm not a spring chicken by any stretch of the imagination. Nor am I, when I started when, you know, when I started applying for jobs, like 30 years ago, I my first my first job was with a packing plant as a livestock buyer. So there was no other women. I was the I have a huge beef packing plant, that I think there was over 700 employees, there was two women, me and the secretary to the plant manager. Wow. And, you know, and then when I would get I worked with that company for quite a while and kind of moved up through the ranks a little bit and got it. There's got to be a lot more women involved. But we do we judge ourselves like and I will never forget when I finally got to kind of an upper management position there. There was guys that were coming in, and they were literally, you know, doing mundane paperwork, clerking type stuff, and there would be an assistant manager job at a plant come off. That was like a big pay Any job huge responsibilities, managing fiscal budgets, then go apply for that. And they'd have no qualms. You know, when they had to literally asked me, Hey, would you be interested in doing this? And kind of saying, and by the way, if you apply, we're pretty sure you're, you're gonna get the job before I would even because I just kept thinking, I don't have the skills. I don't I don't have the years experience, I don't have this set or the other thing. So those fears that you are you talking about that are that women would, would, would get stuck in a spot that they're in.
• 20:33
  Barb Monson: They do. And also, there's a lot of I have longevity or tenure at my company. And I'm completely miserable in my job. But to start over somewhere new. I have X amount of benefits, I have X amount of stock options I there's the everything that there is no logical reason to leave other than I'm miserable. And they don't think that that's reason enough. So just making whether it's a career change, life change. That's where a lot of fear, it's the what ifs. What if this doesn't work out? What if I hate the new job even more? Yeah, yeah. What if I don't know how to learn? I'm so comfortable. I know everything in my sleep. Now I have to learn everything new, including how to make a phone call and use the bathroom. So there's, yeah, there's just we get really caught up in what we don't know. Yeah,
• 21:25
  Mardi Winder-Adams: the what ifs? the what ifs kill us. Yeah, they're the biggest, I think they're the biggest, like a big sword that comes down and just stabbed you every time you try and go forward. It's those what ifs. And you know, the funny thing that I when you were talking about the benefits, it's even the what if I lose my insurance coverage as a woman, because, you know, especially if you've had a health issue, you know, a complication with a pregnancy, any of those kinds of things, those those will count against you. And you're like, Man, if I have to go get private insurance, what, you know, what's this going to cost? How am I going to insure my kids? How am I going to cover my family. So all those things come into play?
• 22:02
  Barb Monson: Well, I think even in the professional realm, I think there is a piece of it, where it takes, it takes a long time to build up credibility. And so you've got street cred, if you will, in your current company. And when you're starting over, even moving a division, if you work in a large company, and you're in a whole new building where nobody knows you, you're starting at Ground Zero, building up credibility, again, which is a lot of mental energy, that frankly, as women we don't have, we're tired, and we're burned out. And I think that plays into some of the fear of imposter syndrome. And you know, what, if I'm not all that, and they don't think I'm is they regret hiring me,
• 22:43
  Mardi Winder-Adams: right? And again, it just hampers you just hamstrings you and then and then you're stuck. So if I had to ask you, what is one and I'm asking you to dip into your toolbox of secret sauce there and tell us it's really mixed metaphor I'm tracking? What's one technique that somebody could use if they noticed that sense of fear coming up? Do you have like a, like a quick and dirty little technique that's that people can use? I'm really putting you on the spot to to maybe identify it or recognize it or deal with it? What are your thoughts on that?
• 23:22
  Barb Monson: I think I think we definitely recognize it. The biggest technique is to really be able to have an be outcome minded. So it what happens if you have this fear? And you give into this fear? What does that look like five years from now? And what if you face it and do it anyway? And what might that look like five years from now. And I think really, writing is a great tool for thinking. So even if you're not a big journal or just writing down possible outcomes, I did that before I took the big leap and left my job. I took a notebook and I wrote down every time I could recall in my adult life that I had taken some type of leap of faith where I did this I moved here I took that job not knowing the outcome. And then I wrote what was the outcome. And I had an entire page full of things that worked out. Yeah. And some of them caused struggle. Some of them weren't the right choice but I was able to then navigate and turn those things into something that I wanted. So I think even just doing that exercise, you find out you have a lot within that that you have power over even if it doesn't work out you can find a way to to rewrite it.
• 24:35
  Mardi Winder-Adams: I love that I love that so as kind of a wrap up for the conversation and we've covered a lot of what we have found here and what what's kind of the main message or the takeaway the top of the mind. idea you want people listening to this to to focus in on and to remember when they when they leave the podcast,
• 24:57
  Barb Monson: I think to get Chris So clear on where you want to be. So it even if you just stop for a moment and say on a scale of one to 10, how excited are you about the future? And and I get it, if you're in the throes of a divorce something major in your life that can be really hard to do. But if you don't have something excited that you're excited about looking forward to, is it because of fear, or you just don't have a clear vision of where you're going next. So I think just assess yourself a little bit and get crystal clear on something. It doesn't have to be your whole life. You don't have to have all the answers, but get crystal clear on one thing that you are excited to look forward to.
• 25:37
  Mardi Winder-Adams: I love that. Yeah, that kind of like that guiding star that you can kiss words that you can see no matter what, what's going on around you. So Bob, if people want to reach out get ahold of you find out more about you, where should they go? And what should they do.
• 25:50
  Barb Monson: So the easiest thing, my website is my name. So it's just Barb Monson.com. It sounds different from it's spelled. So it's Barb Monson. And you will find everything there. If you just want to drop me a message or hey, I have a question about this podcast, I reply to everything. And there's freebies in there, I do what's called meant for more strategy sessions. So if you schedule a session, that is a free gift for anyone who is hearing this or you know anyone in your audience already, but we will spend time anywhere 45 minutes up to an hour if you have a full hour. And we will talk through what what's holding you back. What are you afraid of? What is the next step you need to take, we will design a 30 day plan for you so that you can feel like you do have some control over something. And you're not going to overhaul your life in 30 days, but you can take, you can take a pretty good step. I've seen women do amazing things in 30 days. And I always check up after the 30 days just to make sure you're still doing okay and wonderful. You need a little tweak with that. So I would love to have your guests just click on that meant for more strategy session and get to spend some time with them.
• 27:00
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Great. So check out the website Barb has left a free gift for everybody to download as well if they're interested. And that's all going to be in the show notes. I thank you so much for listening and Barb, really appreciate this been a great conversation. Thank
• 27:13
  Barb Monson: you. Great, great fun. Thanks, Mardi.
• 27:16
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Thanks for listening and supporting the D Shift podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts. Join the D Shift crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www dot divorce coach for women and click on the podcast page.