Latest / The Voice: Breaking, Believing, Becoming / The Luxury Of Choosing: Why More Women Are Staying Single…And Why It May Not Be The Problem People Think It Is

Transcript

The Luxury Of Choosing: Why More Women Are Staying Single…And Why It May Not Be The Problem People Think It Is · The Voice: Breaking, Believing, Becoming

• 0:10
  Welcome to The Voice, where Breaking, Believing, and Becoming finally have a place to be heard.
• 0:16
  I'm Kim Munoz, and I'm so glad you're here.
• 0:19
  Today I want to talk about something I don't think we discuss honestly enough.
• 0:24
  Why are so many women choosing to stay single longer?
• 0:29
  Or choosing not to date at all?
• 0:33
  People have plenty of opinions. Women are too independent.
• 0:38
  They're too picky, their standards are unrealistic, or they're afraid of commitment.
• 0:45
  But what if we've been asking the wrong question?
• 0:48
  What if women haven't really rejected love at all?
• 0:53
  What if, for the first time in history, many women finally have the luxury of choosing it?
• 1:01
  For most of history, women entered relationships because survival often depended on them.
• 1:07
  Marriage wasn't simply about love. For many women, it meant financial security,
• 1:13
  housing, social acceptance, surviving in the world.
• 1:19
  But today, many women have opportunities that our grandmothers never imagined.
• 1:25
  We can build careers, own our own homes, raise children, travel, build businesses.
• 1:32
  We can create meaningful lives.
• 1:35
  And because survival is no longer the first question, now character becomes the first.
• 1:43
  Kindness, integrity, emotional maturity, and consistency, and reliability.
• 1:52
  These are all the qualities that once felt optional, but now they're essential for a relationship.
• 2:00
  So women aren't comparing a potential partner to being alone anymore.
• 2:04
  They're comparing him to the life they've already built.
• 2:08
  And I don't think that's a problem. I mean, in a lot of ways, it's progress.
• 2:13
  Not because we value marriage less, but because we've learned to value ourselves a little bit more.
• 2:21
  When I look around at my own life, I see every version of the story.
• 2:26
  I have friends that have been happily married for decades. I have friends who
• 2:30
  were never married, and I have friends who are divorced.
• 2:35
  Then, of course, there's me. Apparently, I was just a little more adventurous,
• 2:39
  than everyone else, or maybe just a hopeless romantic, probably both.
• 2:44
  What's interesting is that many of my single friends were,
• 2:49
  They've dated over the years, but today, they're content. They're not desperately
• 2:55
  searching or anxiously waiting.
• 2:57
  In fact, lately, I've been the one encouraging them to get back out there,
• 3:04
  mostly because I think these are some of the best years of our lives.
• 3:08
  But it got me thinking, when did being alone stop feeling like a wound and start feeling like peace?
• 3:16
  After my first divorce, it was the late 90s. I was 28 years old. I had a little boy.
• 3:23
  And back then, being a divorced woman with a child, it felt like you were wearing a scarlet letter.
• 3:30
  I remember standing in the pickup line at my son's Catholic school.
• 3:35
  The moms had one look on their face and the dads had another.
• 3:39
  And before anyone gets upset, this wasn't about the school or the faith.
• 3:43
  It was simply proof that Christians are still people, and people don't always get it right.
• 3:49
  Looking back, I realized something happened inside of me.
• 3:54
  I became convinced that I needed to be married again in order to feel whole.
• 4:00
  When that's the lens you're looking through, you don't always see people clearly.
• 4:04
  You overlook character because you're chasing companionship,
• 4:08
  you excuse inconsistency because you're looking for security,
• 4:13
  and you confuse potential with reality.
• 4:16
  I can see character traits looking back now that were there from the very beginning.
• 4:22
  They weren't hidden. I just wasn't looking for them.
• 4:26
  I was looking for relief. Now hear me. I don't regret my story.
• 4:33
  Every chapter shaped the woman sitting behind this microphone, but I did learn from it.
• 4:38
  And today, being alone no longer feels like rejection. It feels like peace.
• 4:44
  I'm not waiting for someone to choose me. I'm deciding whether someone fits
• 4:49
  into the life God and I have been building together.
• 4:52
  And those are two very different places to live from.
• 4:56
  I have a little theory. I call it the solo table theory.
• 5:00
  The day you become comfortable sitting alone at your own table,
• 5:03
  you stop inviting just anyone to pull up a chair.
• 5:06
  Because now, they're not competing against your loneliness.
• 5:10
  They're competing against peace, against quiet Saturday mornings,
• 5:15
  girls trips, freedom, joy, financial stability.
• 5:21
  They're competing against a home that feels safe, and a life that you've spent years building.
• 5:28
  So if someone wants a seat at your table, they should bring something more valuable
• 5:32
  than simply occupying the chair.
• 5:35
  And that's not arrogance, that's discernment. Because once peace becomes familiar,
• 5:41
  desperation loses its voice, and discernment finally gets a chance to speak.
• 5:47
  And here's something that I learned that surprised me. There was a season where
• 5:52
  I honestly thought, I think I'm healed.
• 5:55
  Life felt peaceful. I wasn't anxious. I wasn't checking phones or wondering
• 6:00
  where someone was or who someone was texting. And then one day it hit me.
• 6:06
  Of course I felt peaceful. There wasn't anyone close enough to activate the
• 6:10
  places that still needed healing.
• 6:13
  Being single gives us space to reflect. but relationships give us opportunities to practice.
• 6:20
  So it's one thing to recognize old patterns, but it's another thing entirely
• 6:25
  to choose differently while you're living them.
• 6:29
  When someone begins to matter, old fears have a funny way of showing up,
• 6:32
  fear of abandonment or betrayal or rejection.
• 6:37
  That doesn't mean you're broken, it just means you're human.
• 6:40
  Healing isn't measured by how calm you are when nobody can hurt you.
• 6:44
  It's revealed by how you respond when someone actually can't.
• 6:49
  If you've been deeply hurt before, your brain becomes incredibly good at protecting
• 6:53
  you, sometimes too good.
• 6:55
  It starts scanning for danger, a delayed text, a different tone, canceled plan.
• 7:01
  Your brain isn't trying to ruin your future, it's just trying to protect you
• 7:05
  from reliving your past.
• 7:08
  But eventually, healing will ask something very difficult. Don't make someone
• 7:12
  new pay for wounds they didn't create.
• 7:16
  Every relationship deserves the chance to stand on its head,
• 7:19
  not in the shadow of someone else's mistakes.
• 7:22
  And that's why I still push myself. I still say yes to opportunities.
• 7:26
  I still risk rejection because I'd rather live with an open heart than a perfectly protected one.
• 7:33
  The goal isn't to avoid ever being hurt again. The goal is to trust God enough
• 7:38
  that even if I am, I'm going to be okay.
• 7:41
  Healthy love doesn't simply make life easier. It makes us better.
• 7:46
  When nobody's close enough to disappoint us, it's easy to believe we've healed.
• 7:51
  But let someone matter. Now patience gets tested, and grace gets practiced,
• 7:57
  and communication matters, and forgiveness becomes real.
• 8:01
  Healthy love stretches us, not because it's unhealthy, but because it's intimate.
• 8:06
  The healthiest relationships don't simply reveal who we are,
• 8:10
  they reveal where God still wants us to heal.
• 8:14
  Loneliness can make almost anything look like love. A little attention feels significant.
• 8:20
  A little chemistry feels like destiny.
• 8:23
  A few great conversations, and
• 8:25
  suddenly you've planned a beach vacation together, at least in my head.
• 8:29
  But somewhere along my journey, peace became the greatest filter.
• 8:34
  I've realized a cute smile can catch my attention, but it can't keep it.
• 8:39
  If someone consistently brings
• 8:40
  confusion, chaos, anxiety, or emotional heaviness, I pay attention now.
• 8:46
  I've taught my boys something, too, over the years. And, as a side note,
• 8:51
  sometimes the lessons we teach our children are the very lessons God is still teaching us.
• 8:56
  I tell them, the enemy is the coordinator of chaos. Now, don't misunderstand me. Life is messy.
• 9:04
  Relationships have disagreements. Marriage has seasons. families go through
• 9:09
  difficult times. That's not what I'm talking about.
• 9:12
  I'm talking about the kind of ongoing confusion that leaves you constantly questioning
• 9:16
  yourself, walking on eggshells explaining away what your heart already knows,
• 9:22
  and sacrificing your peace just to keep a relationship alive.
• 9:26
  After spending more than 25 years normalizing chaos, I almost stopped recognizing it.
• 9:33
  Looking back now, I realize I accepted things God was quietly trying to warn me about.
• 9:39
  So today, peace has become one of the clearest barometers in my life.
• 9:46
  When I find myself explaining away red flags or second-guessing my intuition,
• 9:52
  or living in a constant state of emotional confusion, I stop, and I ask, God,
• 9:58
  what are you trying to show me that I'm trying not to see.
• 10:02
  Because I've learned something. Discernment is rarely loud. More often,
• 10:07
  it's a quiet loss of peace.
• 10:10
  We've been trying to rationalize away.
• 10:13
  And I mean, let's be honest, if I meet a man with a great smile who loves Jesus,
• 10:18
  has emotional maturity, communicates like an adult, doesn't create chaos,
• 10:23
  and actually protects my peace, well,
• 10:26
  y'all may be getting another podcast episode out of that.
• 10:30
  But in all seriousness, that list would have intimidated a younger version of me.
• 10:36
  Years ago, I probably would have wondered if I was asking for too much.
• 10:41
  But today, I see it differently.
• 10:45
  I've realized something about myself. I've never wanted to live on the surface.
• 10:49
  I want meaningful conversations, deep friendships, a marriage built on faith,
• 10:55
  laughter, trust, growth.
• 10:58
  I've been called too passionate, too emotional, too independent, and too intense.
• 11:05
  Maybe you've heard those labels to, but maybe we're not too much.
• 11:10
  Maybe we've simply stopped accepting not enough.
• 11:14
  Because God placed dreams inside of me, purpose, calling, and I'm not willing
• 11:20
  to shrink what God has spent years rebuilding.
• 11:23
  I'm not looking for someone to rescue me or complete me.
• 11:27
  I'm looking for someone who celebrates what God is doing in my life and wants to run beside me.
• 11:33
  Healthy love shouldn't make us smaller, it should give us room to become even more.
• 11:39
  So I don't believe every door is a closed.
• 11:43
  In rejection. Often it's protection. Protection from heartbreak,
• 11:47
  from wasted years, from building a future around someone's potential instead of their reality.
• 11:54
  Waiting can feel lonely, but I've learned something there too.
• 11:58
  Sitting beside the wrong person, it's much lonelier.
• 12:03
  These days, my prayer is simple.
• 12:06
  Lord, if the man you have for me is still becoming who you've called him to
• 12:10
  be, please keep working on him.
• 12:13
  And while you're doing that, don't forget about me. Keep growing me and healing me. Prepare me.
• 12:20
  Because if our paths ever cross, I don't want two people desperately searching for completion.
• 12:26
  I want two people who allowed God to do his work long before they met.
• 12:31
  And maybe that's what waiting really is. Not God withholding something good,
• 12:36
  but God preparing something better.
• 12:40
  So before we go, maybe the goal was never learning how to make someone choose you.
• 12:46
  Maybe it was just learning your worth was never determined by whether they did.
• 12:50
  And maybe maturity is realizing that understanding someone's wounds doesn't
• 12:55
  require sacrificing your peace.
• 12:58
  And maybe the goal was never proving you don't need anyone.
• 13:02
  Maybe it was becoming the kind of person who can recognize healthy love when
• 13:06
  it arrives, and having enough peace to walk away when it doesn't.
• 13:11
  There's this scripture that I like in Psalm. It's Psalm 84, verse 11.
• 13:18
  For the Lord God is a sun and shield. No good thing will he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
• 13:26
  So if you're in a season of waiting, don't confuse waiting with being forgotten.
• 13:30
  Sometimes God is preparing what He has prepared for you.
• 13:35
  I'll see you next time, and until then, please take care of yourself,
• 13:40
  keep believing, trust the process, and keep becoming.