Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 33: My Partner Says They're Unhappy. Now What?

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Episode 33: My Partner Says They're Unhappy. Now What? · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there, welcome to the Lucky and Love Podcast.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a communication coach for couples who are struggling, and I started this podcast as a way to give you all helpful and useful tools and insights that you can use to help your relationships improve, to help you turn around your relationships, and it can also help you make wise relationship decisions.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Today I wanted to talk to you about something that most people don't think about or talk about.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk to you about what to do when your partner tells you that they are unhappy in your relationship or your marriage.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is not something that most people prepare for.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when it happens, it can feel like a punch to the gut.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you've seen it coming, even if you know that they're unhappy, just hearing those words out loud can really knock the wind out of you.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are in a relationship that is very happy and loving and over the moon in love, I would still suggest that you listen to this podcast episode because nearly every long-term relationship will go through a certain amount of time where one or both of you are discontent or unhappy or want something to change.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's just normal relationship stuff, okay?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: But what's important is how you respond when your partner tells you this.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's important.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Most people will do one of two things.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: They will either panic or freak out, or they will just kind of brush it off, brush it under the rug, or what is that phrase, sweep it under the rug, and just kind of hope that it goes away.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: But the problem is panicking doesn't help you, and brushing it under the rug does not help you.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't help your relationship, and it certainly doesn't help your peace of mind.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: So what do I think that you should do?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the first suggestion that I have, and it's a very strong suggestion, it's to take it seriously.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, when I start working with new couples, one of the very first things that I ask is, when was the first time that this unhappiness was like explicitly talked about?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: When did that first conversation happen?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is usually that they first talked about it three, four, five, six, seven, sometimes ten years ago, right?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: But nothing changed.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes they'll tell me that they tried therapy for a couple months, but it didn't really work.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so they quit.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: But now, fast forward five years later, and they're sitting in front of me, and one of them thinks that they might want a divorce.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so by the time your partner actually says those words, I'm unhappy, they have likely been sitting with those feelings for a long time.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: They've been thinking about it, they've been ruminating about it, they may have even been talking to other people about it, right?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So um this is why you want to take it seriously because this isn't something that just like randomly comes out of people's mouths.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And in marriage, especially, I see this.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I see people telling themselves, this will blow over, they're gonna get over it, this happens every year, or whatever that thought is.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: But these are dangerous thoughts.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like ignoring it is like putting your relationship on autopilot towards a breakup.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: My opinion about how people think about marriage, especially, I think that people think about marriage like a safety net, just like it's always going to be there to catch them.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: The problem, you guys, is that when someone says that they're unhappy, now there's a hole in that safety net.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't take care of that hole, it's gonna get bigger and bigger and bigger until one of you falls through that hole, right?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And is no longer a safety net.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to definitely take it seriously.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I also don't want you to panic because panic doesn't help either.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: When you panic, you stop listening.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And panic shows up usually as defensiveness, things like, well, I'm not happy either, or really, after all the things I've done for this family, how can you say that?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or people will scramble, okay?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: They totally freak out and they scramble.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'll change.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'll start XYZ tomorrow, or I'll stop doing XYZ right now, or we're gonna go on more date nights, or whatever it is, right?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and by the way, if date nights is your solution, go back and listen to episode 32, where I talk to you about why more date nights will not save your relationship or your marriage.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But both of these responses, defensiveness and scrambling, come from a place of fear.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're afraid of losing the relationship, but what you're not doing is you're not listening and you're not actually taking the kind of action that you need to take.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, which leads me to my second suggestion, which is talk about it.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: You need to do a lot of listening to your partner and a lot asking questions.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: You want to stay open, meaning not get defensive.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to make it about your own unhappiness.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or if you feel like you're doing everything right, it's going to be really challenging for you not to point those things out, but you cannot make it about those things, okay?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: You need to try to see from, like see it from their perspective.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Where are they coming from?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just get curious what's going on for them.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: What are they experiencing or not experiencing that's contributing to the overall discontentedness?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is probably going to be challenging because for most of us, if you're like most people, your first instinct is going to be to defend yourself, justify yourself, or explain yourself.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't help you in this situation.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, not yet, at least, right?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: What you want is open, curious communication.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: This sounds like tell me exactly what you're feeling.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: What part of this or what part of our relationship is making you the most unhappy?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if there was one thing we could change, what would it be?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, now it doesn't mean that you're necessarily going to do that thing, but you need to get in their head.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You need to understand where they're coming from.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what I'm about to say is super important.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so if your mind has wandered, come back to me, please.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: The very first time your partner tells you that they are unhappy, it likely does not mean that they're ready to exit stage left.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: They are probably not ready to break up right then and there.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, most often than not, the first time you hear that they're unhappy, what they're really looking for are some changes in the relationship.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: But circling back, you need to take it seriously.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: The third suggestion that I have after you've listened is to create an action plan.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, not a quick fix, not like some grand uh gesture that just fizzles out in a month or a week or a year, but a thoughtful plan that the two of you create together.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the key.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: You need to create the plan together, okay?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: A plan where you both take responsibility for your part of the relationship and your role in how you got there.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because even the unhappy person has played a role in where the relationship has ended up.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And again, this starts with open, honest conversations.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it's probably not going to get solved in one conversation or one sit-down.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: It might take two, three, or maybe four or five to really unpack what's going on.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but you have to remember the goal is not to rush to fix it, the goal is to understand like the cause of it and then work on problem solving as a team.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the important thing here is that you both commit to doing something different.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because if nothing changes, nothing changes.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, that unhappiness uh that doesn't change.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: That actually gets worse if you don't do these first three things.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now I do want you to know that unhappiness does not have to be a bad thing.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: It can actually become a really positive turning point in your relationship.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of seeing your partner's unhappiness as the beginning of the end, I think that it's really helpful if you look at it as an invitation, like a wake-up call to make your relationship or your marriage stronger.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: So here is what I want you to take away, you guys.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: If your partner says that they're unhappy, first, take it seriously.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Second, see it as a chance to make some real positive changes in your relationship.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, if nothing changes, that unhappiness is probably not just going to magically disappear, it's going to grow.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's going to grow into resentment.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you do not want to wait until things get worse or until one of you has a foot out the door.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: You want to start working through it now.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be so much easier on you, your partner, and your relationship if you take it seriously, you talk about it, and you start taking action.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if this sounds overwhelming and you do not know where to start, I would love to help you.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can visit my website, kahoskins.com, and book a free 30-minute 30-minute consultation call with me so we can just kind of talk about what's going on and lay out some first steps to get you started moving in the right direction.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to remember your relationship can get better.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: It just takes the courage to start.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I definitely want you to make sure that you tune in next time because I'm going to be talking about how it's possible that one partner in the relationship is happy and the other partner is not.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, my friends, that is what I have for you today.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Have a fantastic week.