Latest / Pastor John Piper's answers / When You’re Not Sorry

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When You’re Not Sorry · Pastor John Piper's answers

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: We will offend others. We will. We won't mean to,
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  Speaker 1: but we will. Even offend the people that we most love.
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  Speaker 1: It's only a matter of time, and often we will
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  Speaker 1: offend others without knowing that we offended them, only to
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  Speaker 1: find out later when they tell us and it comes
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  Speaker 1: as a complete surprise to us. Now, you don't want
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  Speaker 1: to walk away and lose this relationship, but you also
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  Speaker 1: don't want to be a fraud and offer them a
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  Speaker 1: fake apology that you don't think is needed. Today on
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  Speaker 1: Ask Pastor John... when you're not sorry. The question is
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  Speaker 1: from Grace. Pastor John, I've been listening to APJ for
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  Speaker 1: nearly five years now. I'm so blessed by your ministry.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you. My question for you is whether or not
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  Speaker 1: I should apologize for something I'm not actually sorry for.
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  Speaker 1: I recently offended a friend with a joke that I
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  Speaker 1: made to her. I can tell she now holds a
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  Speaker 1: grudge against me for it. I've thought about apologizing, but
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  Speaker 1: the fact that I don't sincerely regret the joke I
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  Speaker 1: told is holding me back. In my opinion, she misinterpreted
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  Speaker 1: my intentions. I once heard someone say, you shouldn't apologize
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  Speaker 1: if you don't think that you did anything wrong. And
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  Speaker 1: I tend to agree because such an apology would feel
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  Speaker 1: like a lie. At the same time, I'm willing to
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  Speaker 1: apologize because I don't want to risk our relationship over
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  Speaker 1: something so silly. What's the biblical route here? Can a
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  Speaker 1: Christian apologize even if they don't really mean it?
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  Speaker 2: So what is the biblical route? In a relationship where
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  Speaker 2: a person thinks you should apologize for something you said
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  Speaker 2: or did, that you don't think you should apologize for.
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  Speaker 2: Or to put it another way, what you do when
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  Speaker 2: a person says they are offended or hurt, wounded by
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  Speaker 2: something you said, and your assessment is they shouldn't have
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  Speaker 2: been offended. They shouldn't have been hurt. In other words,
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  Speaker 2: they think the blame lies with you and your insensitivity
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  Speaker 2: and your harshness. and you think the blame lies with
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  Speaker 2: them and their excessive sensitivities. So what do you do? Well,
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  Speaker 2: let's get one principle really clear from Jesus in Matthew 5,
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  Speaker 2: 23 and 24. If you are offering your gift at
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  Speaker 2: the altar and there remember that your brother has something
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  Speaker 2: against you, leave your gift at the altar and go.
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  Speaker 2: First be reconciled to your brother, then come, and offer
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  Speaker 2: your gift. So clearly, if we have wronged someone by
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  Speaker 2: doing or saying something so that they have a, mark
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  Speaker 2: these words, truly legitimate claim that we did wrong, our
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  Speaker 2: whole disposition should be to humble ourselves, admit that we've
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  Speaker 2: done wrong, ask for forgiveness, be reconciled, quick. That's hard.
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  Speaker 1: It's beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: It's necessary in real life if relationships are going to
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  Speaker 2: survive and thrive. But it raises this question. Did Jesus
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  Speaker 2: mean that any time someone has something against us, we've
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  Speaker 2: done wrong and should apologize? No, that's not the case.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that. And we know that from other
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  Speaker 2: parts of the Gospels. Listen to Jesus when he is
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  Speaker 2: accused of insulting, offending lawyers. This is Luke 11, 44
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  Speaker 2: to 46. Woe to you Pharisees, for you're like unmarked graves,
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  Speaker 2: and people walk over them without knowing it. And one
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  Speaker 2: of the lawyers answered him, teacher, in saying these things,
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  Speaker 2: you insult us also. And he said, Woe to you
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  Speaker 2: lawyers also, for you load people with burdens hard to bear,
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  Speaker 2: and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one
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  Speaker 2: of your fingers. In other words, the fact that you
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  Speaker 2: are insulted, Mr. Lawyer, by what I'm saying doesn't mean
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  Speaker 2: that I'm doing you any wrong. I'm not. You shouldn't
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  Speaker 2: get your back up. You should repent. My point is
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  Speaker 2: not mainly to insult. I'm calling you to repentance. So
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  Speaker 2: we know from the life of Jesus and the life
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  Speaker 2: of Paul and the life of Peter that some people
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  Speaker 2: will always be offended by some things that Christians say,
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  Speaker 2: no matter how winsomely we may try to say them.
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  Speaker 2: And when that happens, the Bible does not portray the
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  Speaker 2: Christian as having done wrong or needing to apologize. But
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  Speaker 2: now here we have to be careful. I've heard people argue,
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  Speaker 2: like I'm arguing right now, about how wrong it is
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  Speaker 2: for offended or wounded people to use their woundedness or
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  Speaker 2: their offendedness to blame another person for doing wrong when
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  Speaker 2: they haven't done anything wrong. I've even seen this happen
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  Speaker 2: decades ago. It's not new. 40 years ago, I called this,
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  Speaker 2: I remember writing it in my journal, I called this
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  Speaker 2: emotional manipulation when I saw it in marriage counseling. Using
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  Speaker 2: your own woundedness to get the other person to do
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  Speaker 2: what you want them to do. More recently, it's been called,
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  Speaker 2: Joe Rigney called this the sin of empathy, which of
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  Speaker 2: course is a very provocative term, dangerous. But what he
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  Speaker 2: meant was, if somebody can manipulate you by their woundedness
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  Speaker 2: or offendedness into feeling an empathy that you should not
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  Speaker 2: feel so that you apologize for something you shouldn't apologize for,
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  Speaker 2: that's wrong. It's a sin. Empathy is good. Maybe Joe
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  Speaker 2: didn't emphasize this enough. You can judge.
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  Speaker 1: He knows this.
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  Speaker 2: Empathy is good, very good. You can't obey the golden
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  Speaker 2: rule without empathy. But it's not good when someone manipulates
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  Speaker 2: your empathy into an apology you don't owe. That's the issue.
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  Speaker 2: But the reason I said we should be careful here
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  Speaker 2: is because if you get on a roll, I've seen
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  Speaker 2: this happen really with myself first. If you get on
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  Speaker 2: a roll, with this, this way of thinking, you can
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  Speaker 2: start to have a spirit which is just the opposite
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  Speaker 2: of the Spirit of Christ. You can fail to have
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  Speaker 2: a spirit that really wants reconciliation and doesn't relish pointing
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  Speaker 2: out other people's sinful manipulation of your emotions. Sometimes there's
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  Speaker 2: a kind of triumphal sense that I figured this out.
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  Speaker 2: I figured out the emotional manipulative power that these dynamics
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  Speaker 2: that are at work in getting people to do what
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  Speaker 2: you want them to do by your own woundedness. I
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  Speaker 2: figured this out. And you boast in it. And you're
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  Speaker 2: more proud of that than you are in any efforts
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  Speaker 2: at reconciliation. That's not a good result. And it's very dangerous.
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  Speaker 2: Jesus said, love your enemies, do good to those who
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  Speaker 2: hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those
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  Speaker 2: who abuse you. Paul said, bless those who persecute you,
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  Speaker 2: bless and do not curse them. He said, when reviled,
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  Speaker 2: we bless, when persecuted, we endure, when slandered, we entreat.
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  Speaker 2: Peter said, do not repay evil for evil or reviling
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  Speaker 2: for reviling, but on the contrary, bless. That's the spirit
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  Speaker 2: of the New Testament. In other words, our whole disposition
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  Speaker 2: is not toward putting people in their place by pointing
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  Speaker 2: out their manipulative ways and gloating in our triumphs. If
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  Speaker 2: you do that, you've succeeded at something small and failed
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  Speaker 2: at something big. So what should our friend do? What
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  Speaker 2: should Grace do? I think she should at least try
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  Speaker 2: in a very humble and conciliatory demeanor, perhaps over lunch
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  Speaker 2: with her offended friend, to describe the relational situation as
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  Speaker 2: fairly as she can and see if there's a way
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  Speaker 2: forward in the relationship. For example, she might say, I
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  Speaker 2: know you think that I did wrong in the joke
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  Speaker 2: that I told or the way I told it. and
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  Speaker 2: that it offended you. If I felt that way, I
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  Speaker 2: would be eager, so eager to apologize because I value
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  Speaker 2: our relationship. But for the life of me, and please
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  Speaker 2: don't be even more offended at this, I don't think
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  Speaker 2: my joke should have offended you. I don't think you
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  Speaker 2: should have taken it that way. I didn't mean it
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  Speaker 2: that way. So you think I've got a defect in
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  Speaker 2: not being able to see how offensive my joke was.
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  Speaker 2: I understand that. And I think you're making a mistake
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  Speaker 2: in being so offended when you shouldn't be. And I
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  Speaker 2: don't think this difference is more important than our relationship.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe in time, my eyes will be open and I'll
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  Speaker 2: see things your way, or maybe someday you might see
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  Speaker 2: it my way. What do you think? Can we just
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  Speaker 2: accept those differences of how we assess the situation, and
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  Speaker 2: move forward. Now, at that point, where you go from
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  Speaker 2: there depends on what she says. I mean, if she
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  Speaker 2: regards it as important enough that, no, I can't, I won't,
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  Speaker 2: then you're stuck and you just have to be patient, wait,
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  Speaker 2: and pray. But the main point is, no, you don't
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  Speaker 2: apologize if you don't believe you've done wrong. That's manipulative,
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  Speaker 2: just like what we've been talking about. But you do
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  Speaker 2: make every effort to humble yourself and seek reconciliation.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Empathy is very good. You can't obey the golden
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  Speaker 1: rule without empathy. But it is not good when someone
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  Speaker 1: manipulates your empathy into an apology you don't owe. Really
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  Speaker 1: key point in this world of fake empathy, toxic empathy.
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  Speaker 1: So the next time a misunderstanding threatens a relationship that
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  Speaker 1: you cherish, remember that saying apologetic words that you don't
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  Speaker 1: really mean won't solve anything. You can refrain from giving
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  Speaker 1: inauthentic empathy, a fake apology, and you can reiterate your
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  Speaker 1: love for them and the relationship. You can hold your ground,
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  Speaker 1: humble yourself, and invite your friend to move forward in
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  Speaker 1: the relationship together. Really good. Thank you, Pastor John. And
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  Speaker 1: speaking of the tongue, There are a lot of times
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  Speaker 1: when our tongues do sin and get us into very
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  Speaker 1: real trouble that we need to apologize for. When it
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  Speaker 1: comes to those sins of the tongue, we've talked about cussing, lying,
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  Speaker 1: and gossip. We've talked about those on the podcast, and
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  Speaker 1: you can see a summary of those topics in the
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  Speaker 1: Ask Pastor John book on pages 133 to 140. And
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  Speaker 1: on this theme of mismatched relationships, next time we look
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  Speaker 1: at a mismatch of spiritual joy among a husband and
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  Speaker 1: a wife. A husband has a lot of joy in Jesus.
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  Speaker 1: The wife, not so much. Next time we look at
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  Speaker 1: the marriage miracle that takes time. I'm Tony Reinke. Pastor
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  Speaker 1: John and myself will see you back here on Thursday.