Latest / feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell / how to stop hating yourself

Transcript

how to stop hating yourself · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

• 0:00
  I used to wake up in the morning and dislike what I saw in the
• 0:03
  mirror, and it wasn't even because of what I saw.
• 0:06
  Physically it was mental and emotional.
• 0:09
  I disliked who I was, how I acted, the habits I had formed.
• 0:15
  I simply wasn't happy to be me. But today I wake up in the
• 0:21
  morning and I feel proud. And you can too.
• 0:25
  My name is Ethan Jewell and welcome back to Feel Your
• 0:30
  feelings. Self hatred is all too common.
• 0:35
  Most people have experienced some level of self criticism and
• 0:38
  loathing. I am confident that you have.
• 0:41
  I know I certainly have. This is honestly a relatively
• 0:45
  normal part of the human experience.
• 0:48
  However, a problem arises when this hatred becomes chronic,
• 0:54
  when this hatred seeps into your daily routine and affects the
• 0:57
  way that you view yourself on a basic level.
• 1:01
  This impacts not only our relationships with ourselves,
• 1:04
  but our relationships with others and how we treat
• 1:07
  ourselves on a day-to-day basis. There are ways to heal from
• 1:11
  within. So today, let's talk about self
• 1:14
  hatred and our relationship with ourselves and the importance of
• 1:18
  nurturing that relationship in order to thrive with our mental
• 1:21
  health. To understand self hatred, we
• 1:25
  must first recognize that it often stems from deep seated
• 1:29
  beliefs and experiences in the world of mental health.
• 1:33
  Self hatred can be a product of various factors including
• 1:38
  childhood trauma, societal pressures, and negative self
• 1:41
  perceptions reinforced over time.
• 1:44
  So join me in. Let's break down each of these
• 1:47
  and try to find exactly where our self hatred may stem from.
• 1:52
  Amanda Dodson, a therapist writing for Psychology Today,
• 1:56
  states that you probably didn't start hating yourself out of
• 2:00
  nowhere. One possibility is that yourself
• 2:04
  hatred may be a natural reaction to a traumatic event.
• 2:07
  Maybe you couldn't make any sense of why the trauma
• 2:10
  happened. In lieu of a better explanation,
• 2:13
  you saw no option but to turn the blame inward.
• 2:16
  You extrapolated that you have a deep character flaw.
• 2:19
  You make sense of the bad thing by concluding that you at your
• 2:24
  core are defective. This is not an uncommon response
• 2:30
  to trauma. Trauma is a deep rooted,
• 2:33
  complicated beast, one that often takes professional help to
• 2:37
  work through. Trauma can also be caused quite
• 2:40
  easily and many people don't even consider the root of their
• 2:43
  pain as trauma. This self blame for a traumatic
• 2:47
  event can absolutely lead to self loathing and hatred causing
• 2:51
  even more pain and problems. When we don't understand why we
• 2:56
  have been hurt, we often assume that we deserve it.
• 3:01
  We often assume that our trauma has happened because something
• 3:05
  is wrong with us, and unless that assumption is proven wrong
• 3:09
  by somebody else or ourselves, we will continue to believe that
• 3:12
  for the rest of our lives, leading to deep, deep pain.
• 3:18
  Another potential cause of self hatred could originate in one
• 3:21
  person's opinion at one period of time.
• 3:24
  Let's take hypothetical and say that there was once a person in
• 3:28
  your life named, I don't know Fred.
• 3:31
  Fred could have been anyone in your life.
• 3:33
  A friend, a lover, a parent, a peer, a Co worker, anyone.
• 3:37
  Over time Fred was continuously condescending and cruel towards
• 3:42
  you. Maybe they pointed out
• 3:44
  insecurities and beat them in further.
• 3:47
  Maybe they put you down whenever possible and pointed out every
• 3:51
  small mistake that you made. After time you began to believe
• 3:55
  Fred. Maybe he had a point.
• 3:58
  Maybe you aren't enough. Maybe you do things wrong.
• 4:03
  Maybe you shouldn't be confident in yourself.
• 4:06
  Even if Fred is no longer in your life, that voice continues
• 4:10
  to ring in your head when you look in the mirror or interact
• 4:13
  with others. This causes a deep rooted
• 4:15
  insecurity that eventually turns to self hatred.
• 4:19
  When we believe outside voices, when we don't have a sense of
• 4:23
  security, we often tend to internalize things that are said
• 4:27
  to us and if these things are not supportive, they can easily
• 4:31
  lead to a narrative of self hatred.
• 4:34
  Finally, self loathing can be caused by something as simple as
• 4:38
  repeated negative self talk and self perception over time.
• 4:42
  The same way that in that hypothetical Fred could view us
• 4:45
  in a negative light, we could view ourselves that same way and
• 4:49
  over time believe it to be the truth.
• 4:52
  Maybe you think too critically about yourself and point out
• 4:55
  something that you identify as a flaw.
• 4:58
  Over time, you beat yourself down and convince yourself that
• 5:01
  that flaw makes you inadequate. This makes you more vulnerable
• 5:05
  and sensitive to outside sources and any criticism hits harder
• 5:09
  and backs up your own assumptions that you have made,
• 5:12
  leading to deeper self hatred. With all of these causes of self
• 5:19
  loathing, it's difficult to imagine a world without it.
• 5:22
  Chances are you've struggled with one of these.
• 5:25
  I know I have. Whether it's imposed from
• 5:28
  trauma, someone else's opinions, your own critical view of
• 5:31
  yourself, or something else entirely, it is difficult to
• 5:35
  deal with these negatives of self hatred.
• 5:38
  In fact more difficult and you may even realize.
• 5:43
  Let's briefly talk about a few of the negative impacts that
• 5:46
  self hatred has. It seems obvious that of course
• 5:50
  hating yourself is going to have detrimental effects on you.
• 5:53
  These effects can be far reaching, impacting individuals
• 5:56
  in multiple ways. It can lead to mental health
• 5:59
  issues such as depression, anxiety, and low self esteem.
• 6:03
  Physically, self hatred can manifest as stress, chronic
• 6:06
  pain, and even contribute to the development of physical
• 6:09
  illnesses. Furthermore, self hatred can
• 6:12
  affect our relationships, leading to difficulties in
• 6:14
  forming and maintaining healthy connections with others.
• 6:18
  You may start to believe that if you can't love yourself, why
• 6:22
  should anyone else? If you can't form a healthy
• 6:25
  relationship with yourself, why could you with others?
• 6:30
  This negative self talk can stop you from pursuing dreams or
• 6:33
  goals. If you view yourself in a
• 6:36
  negative light before even trying, these insecurities and
• 6:39
  hatreds will plague you every step of the way in your journey
• 6:43
  to achieve anything. This leads to a repeating cycle
• 6:47
  of failing before you even try. This can stop you from improving
• 6:52
  your mental health at all yourself.
• 6:55
  Hatred will tell you you are incapable of love.
• 6:59
  You are undeserving of improving.
• 7:02
  The effects of self hatred are profound and can permeate every
• 7:06
  aspect of our lives if left unchecked.
• 7:09
  So let's check them and talk about some of the things that we
• 7:14
  can do. I know it can be hard to hear,
• 7:18
  but the journey starts from within and is one that requires
• 7:22
  a lot of self-awareness. First, we need to make a
• 7:25
  realistic assessment of ourselves and understand a
• 7:28
  realistic goal to shoot for. When I first started making
• 7:33
  peace with myself and trying to love myself, I had this goal of
• 7:36
  being an incredible person, of being the kindest, best version
• 7:42
  of myself possible. Unfortunately, this is an
• 7:45
  unrealistic standard to hold ourselves to.
• 7:48
  It's hard to shoot for the stars when we are coming from the dirt
• 7:52
  that we've been stuck in. Instead, shoot for just enough.
• 7:58
  Understand that it's OK to be a medium good person to just be
• 8:03
  all right. The truth is, there's many awful
• 8:07
  people out there, and I am so, so confident that you are not
• 8:13
  one of them. You are just overly critical of
• 8:15
  yourself. So in whatever aspect you are
• 8:19
  critical of yourself in, really examine.
• 8:22
  Are you as bad as you say, or are you just being overly harsh
• 8:26
  and holding yourself to an impossibly high standard?
• 8:30
  Treat yourself with patience, kindness, and dignity.
• 8:34
  Try to examine yourself in your life as if you are a family on
• 8:37
  the wall, just watching. Take it into third person.
• 8:41
  Assess where you're at. If you need to change parts of
• 8:43
  your life, then write down realistic ways for you to change
• 8:46
  them. Be kind and patient with
• 8:49
  yourself the way you would be kind and patient with a friend
• 8:52
  who is struggling with the same thing.
• 8:54
  Also, do nice things for yourself.
• 8:57
  If you make it a habit to show yourself acts of love, you will
• 8:59
  naturally begin to love yourself.
• 9:02
  When we're in a loving relationship with others, we go
• 9:04
  out of our way to do nice things for them.
• 9:06
  If you want that same good relationship with yourself, you
• 9:09
  have to do the same thing. Embrace imperfections and
• 9:13
  mistakes on this journey and understand that you are human.
• 9:18
  You can't keep holding yourself to ridiculously high standards
• 9:22
  and it's nothing but harmful for you to keep this narrative of
• 9:25
  self hate going. Surround yourself with support,
• 9:30
  set realistic goals, practice mindfulness, and engage in
• 9:34
  activities you enjoy. These are all things I have done
• 9:38
  and I felt a world of improvement in my relationship
• 9:41
  with myself. I want to remind you, I'm not a
• 9:45
  therapist, I'm not a mental health professional, I'm not a
• 9:48
  psychiatrist. But I felt my feelings and I've
• 9:52
  been through this journey and you can go through it as well.
• 9:57
  If you're struggling with self hate.
• 9:59
  I hear you and I see you. It is not an easy thing to be
• 10:04
  going through, but know that there is a way out and you are
• 10:08
  not as awful as you think you are.
• 10:11
  You can get through this. I know it.
• 10:14
  Let's all practice a little bit more love.
• 10:18
  That's going to wrap it up for today's episode.
• 10:21
  If you need help feeling your feelings, please check out my
• 10:23
  music on all platforms under the name of Ethan Jewell and I
• 10:27
  almost guarantee it'll make you cry.
• 10:28
  I'm actively coming out with new music every three weeks that I
• 10:32
  learned how to sing for. I I literally took a year and I
• 10:36
  learned how to sing for them. The next song comes out February
• 10:38
  23rd and you can hear a snippet on my website
• 10:41
  www.ethanjewell.com. Also, shoot me a message on my
• 10:45
  Instagram at Jewel Boy with an I under score and let me know what
• 10:50
  you thought about today's episode.
• 10:52
  So thank you for being here, thank you for being vulnerable
• 10:56
  and allowing me to discuss the sensitive topic of self hate.
• 10:59
  And as always, thank you for feeling your feelings.
• 11:04
  I'll see you next time.