Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Destination Addiction: When We’re Always Almost There | Ep. 226

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Destination Addiction: When We’re Always Almost There | Ep. 226 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:00
  Joanne: you'll find what you're looking for.
• 0:01
  Joanne: Vultures are looking for dead things to eat.
• 0:04
  Joanne: Yes.
• 0:05
  Joanne: Hummingbirds are looking for sweet things
• 0:09
  Speaker: There are seasons when looking ahead is exactly what gets us through.
• 0:16
  Speaker: When this settles down, when we turn this corner, when life gets a little easier, there's hope in that And looking back can be pretty sweet too.
• 0:33
  Speaker: The tricky part is not letting either one crowd us out where we are.
• 0:42
  Speaker: So how do we make room for all of it and live well right here, right now?
• 0:52
  Speaker: Come join us.
• 0:54
  Speaker: This is a conversation worth having.
• 1:04
  Cheryl: audience, we have,, Christie and Joanne back in here with us today.
• 1:07
  Cheryl: Hi, gals.
• 1:08
  Joanne: Hello.
• 1:08
  Joanne: Hey.
• 1:09
  Joanne: How are you?
• 1:10
  Cheryl: I'm doing really well.
• 1:11
  Joanne: Good.
• 1:12
  Cheryl: Joanne, you sent me a link to an article that you had found that had to do with destination.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: I thought it would be something really apropos to talk about for families,'cause we're not gonna talk about beautiful places to take your children.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: We're gonna talk about something that I struggled with Throughout my years of parenting, and I still, uh, have to work on it today.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: So tell them- Yeah about the article you found.
• 1:37
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 1:38
  Joanne: So, um, I heard someone mention destination addiction, and I got curious, so, I looked it up, and sure enough, in Psychology Today, there was an article written, about destination addiction, which was a term that was coined by some British psychologists- Yeah years ago., And generally, the idea is when you live your life for the next thing-
• 1:59
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:59
  Joanne: Mm um, instead of what is happening right now.
• 2:02
  Joanne: It's just always, you know, whatever's coming down the road.
• 2:05
  Joanne: And so that kind of piqued my interest'cause I feel like that is a very relevant- Mm-hmm concern today.
• 2:11
  Joanne: It
• 2:11
  Cheryl: really is.
• 2:11
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: Because like, yeah, we're just trying to get out of August, just everything in our culture, it's always the next thing.
• 2:19
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:20
  Cheryl: Like, oh, we can finally breathe, now
• 2:24
  Christie: Right.
• 2:24
  Christie: That old country song, If We Make It Through December.
• 2:27
  Joanne: Oh, yeah.
• 2:28
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 2:30
  Joanne: I forgot about that.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Now, of course, the Psychology Today article, he said this is not a diagnosable addiction.
• 2:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: So we're not talking about that.
• 2:38
  Christie: mm-hmm.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: We're talking about living our lives, holding our breath until December comes- Mm-hmm until
• 2:46
  Christie: whatever.
• 2:46
  Christie: I mean, I think when I look back, for me, it was kind of a coping skill- Mm.
• 2:51
  Christie: to just- Oh to, to manage what was hard.
• 2:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:55
  Christie: You know, whether it be a baby that's not sleeping through the night, a toddler that's not sleeping through the night- Mm a preschooler that's- Mm-hmm not sleeping through the night or, you know, just potty training or tantrums or whatever the hard thing was in parenting in the moment, I just...
• 3:12
  Christie: It was, like, how I coped.
• 3:13
  Christie: I'm like,"Okay, if I can..." I mean, I've even said it on here before that I, when I had a baby, I would look at the calendar, circle when four months was- Oh, yeah Yeah and, you know, think,"Okay, once we get to this point, we'll be sleeping again, and- Uh-huh and things will get better." And so yeah, when I look back, I think that's, it was just how to manage my own emotions and cope during the hard seasons.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: You know, but actually- Yeah in what you're just saying, there is some positive in that-
• 3:43
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 3:44
  Cheryl: kind of hope.
• 3:45
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:46
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: The idea of what you did, going,"Okay, all we have to do is get through this-
• 3:52
  Christie: Right
• 3:52
  Cheryl: Right the hard stuff," so there's a real benefit to that.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 3:55
  Joanne: Yeah, we do need hope, especially because we've all been through times where you really do wanna turn the corner.
• 4:01
  Joanne: It's- Yeah life can get really hard, whether it's dealing with an illness or loss or whatever.
• 4:07
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 4:08
  Joanne: Um, so, you know, hope is a huge thing, but that's not really what- we're talking about, right?
• 4:13
  Joanne: No, we're not- Yeah
• 4:13
  Cheryl: talking about the wise thing of they're sick, but they won't be sick next month or whatever.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: It's the,"Oh, if they'd just sleep through the night.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: Oh, if we just get out of diapers.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: Oh, if we can just get them into school.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: Oh, if they'll just become teenagers.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: Oh, if I can just get them out of the house or graduation or..." Mm.
• 4:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
• 4:33
  Cheryl: And then suddenly our whole lives are gone.
• 4:35
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 4:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:36
  Joanne: And
• 4:37
  Cheryl: As parents, we
• 4:38
  Cheryl A: don't want to live For the future instead of living the present with our kids.
• 4:44
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 4:45
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 4:45
  Joanne: Yeah, that's a real thing.
• 4:47
  Christie: Yeah, you're wishing life away- Yeah.
• 4:49
  Christie: Mm-hmm season by season, even day by day,
• 4:53
  Joanne: Not appreciating the good-
• 4:54
  Christie: Yeah in the moment.
• 4:55
  Christie: And you're not f- finding the things to celebrate.
• 4:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:58
  Christie: You're only seeing the negative.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Okay, so how much does this impact your life as a parent?
• 5:04
  Joanne: Oh, um, gosh, uh, really hugely, but I feel like, a situation I observed that I took with me into parenting, which wa- Ooh I feel like was a good thing.
• 5:16
  Joanne: Like, I got a lot of things wrong, but this perspective really helped me a lot.
• 5:19
  Joanne: Good.
• 5:20
  Joanne: Um, so when I was working before I had kids, I had a desk job in an office.
• 5:24
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 5:24
  Joanne: It was not a great environment.
• 5:26
  Joanne: I mean, you've seen The Office, the show, right?
• 5:28
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 5:28
  Joanne: So it was kinda like that.
• 5:29
  Joanne: We had cubicles, and in some ways it just felt like we were counting down the days till we were released.
• 5:35
  Joanne: Oh, God.
• 5:35
  Joanne: Some people were, like, counting down the days to retirement.
• 5:37
  Joanne: I'll never forget, one of my coworkers literally would count down the days to her retirement.
• 5:42
  Joanne: Wow.
• 5:42
  Joanne: Wow.
• 5:42
  Joanne: She had'em numbered.
• 5:43
  Joanne: Um, she was, you know, a lot older than me, but she, um, when, kept talking about,"When I retire I'm gonna do this.
• 5:49
  Joanne: That was her whole everything, was,"When I retire- Wow I'm gonna travel.
• 5:54
  Joanne: I'm gonna buy this.
• 5:55
  Joanne: I'm gonna do this." She was living her whole life for that day, and I kid you not, a few months before she retired, she got diagnosed with an illness- No.
• 6:05
  Joanne: Oh and got put in the hospital.
• 6:06
  Joanne: Oh.
• 6:07
  Joanne: And she died on the day her retirement- No was supposed to start.
• 6:10
  Joanne: Oh.
• 6:10
  Joanne: Oof.
• 6:12
  Joanne: And-
• 6:13
  Christie: That's heartbreaking
• 6:14
  Joanne: it was heartbreaking, and as a, mid-20-something, that really stuck with me- Yeah'cause I thought,"Oh, what a shame." She had waited, for that to happen- Mm and so, and She didn't get to enjoy her life or her retirement.
• 6:29
  Joanne: So that really shifted my perspective.
• 6:32
  Joanne: And not that I did it- Wow all the time, but with my children I kind of, understood...
• 6:37
  Joanne: And we'd also had some other losses too, family losses.
• 6:39
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 6:39
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 6:39
  Joanne: It just made me help realize the brevity of life-
• 6:42
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 6:43
  Joanne: Yeah and just how quickly the children change.
• 6:45
  Joanne: Mm.
• 6:46
  Joanne: But even still, you know, in those hard moments, Christie, like you said- it's like, can we just get through these tantrums- Oh or
• 6:53
  Christie: whatever?
• 6:54
  Christie: Right, right.
• 6:54
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 6:55
  Christie: Yeah, I mean, I, I, I know that I was guilty of, just longing for the next season and, and- Yes kind of not realizing, because I hadn't lived that next season yet- Yeah not realizing there would be more hard things in the next season.
• 7:12
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:12
  Christie: I just only saw the wins and not- Yes the hardship, and, and that did keep me, um, from being able to see things clearly, I think.
• 7:23
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 7:23
  Cheryl: Well, you see, this is really hard because this is not like- Don't rob a bank, be a kind person.
• 7:30
  Cheryl: It's not a single issue.
• 7:33
  Cheryl: Because what you're saying, there is a reality to looking forward.
• 7:38
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 7:38
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 7:38
  Cheryl: And the truth and the lie is that next season will bring relief.
• 7:46
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 7:46
  Cheryl: Because you don't have to change diapers when they're teens.
• 7:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:50
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: You know, so there is relief.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: It's just the truth is there's a, a whole lot of things that come along with it.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: Sort of like with strength, there's always a shadow side.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: So there's so much more, The struggle is we don't want to lose the joy of what we have now-
• 8:09
  Christie: Yeah
• 8:10
  Cheryl: waiting for that fix- Mm-hmm Yeah that's gonna take care of the things we don't like.
• 8:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:14
  Christie: Well, yeah, and it's, it's about perspective.
• 8:18
  Christie: Because at this point in my parenting, I'm more prone to look back- Oh with rose-colored glasses.
• 8:24
  Christie: True.
• 8:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:25
  Christie: Even though I, I can't say it's destination, because I can't actually go to those seasons that I look back on fondly, but it definitely affects my contentment with the current season.
• 8:36
  Christie: Mm.
• 8:36
  Christie: If I'm too nostalgic- Mm or only remembering how sweet it was to have a newborn or, you know, the joy of watching a toddler pick flowers and all of those things.
• 8:47
  Christie: So it's kind of the s- s- It sure is a similar thing where you're just, um, painting a picture and longing for the ideal.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: That- Wow that is exact- Yeah Nostalgia would be one half of the picture, nostalgia addiction- Mm-hmm.
• 9:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:03
  Cheryl: Yeah and and then destination addiction would be the two issues- Yeah that we're always looking over that fence at what
• 9:10
  Cheryl A: we don't have But we curate it.
• 9:12
  Joanne: Right.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: Because you're forgetting when you look back and going,"Oh, it was so sweet when we," whatever.
• 9:19
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: But you're forgetting the total package.
• 9:22
  Joanne: Right.
• 9:22
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 9:22
  Joanne: The hard of that.
• 9:23
  Joanne: Right.
• 9:23
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 9:24
  Joanne: Of having a newborn and not getting any sleep.
• 9:26
  Joanne: Exactly.
• 9:27
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: But, but the snuggles were sweet.
• 9:29
  Joanne: Uh-huh.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: And the simplicity was sweet.
• 9:31
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:32
  Cheryl: Um, and there is, I forgot, it's a line, I think it was out of a movie at some point, and the person said,"Well, I can't love people in slices."
• 9:44
  Joanne: Oh.
• 9:44
  Joanne: Oh, that's
• 9:45
  Cheryl: my favorite.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: I don't know where it came from,
• 9:47
  Joanne: Yeah
• 9:48
  Cheryl: that the same thing, what we're doing when we are having forward-looking or retro-looking-
• 9:54
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 9:55
  Cheryl: uh, heart fixes- Mm-hmm we're loving
• 9:58
  Cheryl A: life In slices.
• 9:59
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 9:59
  Joanne: Mm.
• 10:00
  Cheryl A: Cause we're going,"Oh, I only want the best part of it." Right.
• 10:03
  Cheryl A: Mm.
• 10:03
  Cheryl A: And the same thing, we're looking at our present saying,"What I wanna do is tweak this like, um, you know, something on Instagram where I can make it look really nice- Yeah and I can take out all the parts I don't like."
• 10:16
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 10:16
  Cheryl: But we can't live life in slices.
• 10:19
  Joanne: Right.
• 10:20
  Joanne: That's so interesting.
• 10:21
  Joanne: Gosh, that, that reminds me of one of my favorite songs, Cheryl, similarly what you were saying.
• 10:25
  Joanne: Um, it's a song called, I think it's called Bittersweet Symphony.
• 10:28
  Joanne: Mm.
• 10:28
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 10:28
  Joanne: Have you guys heard- I see you know what I'm talking about?
• 10:30
  Joanne: I think it's like The Verve or something.
• 10:31
  Joanne: Okay.
• 10:31
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 10:32
  Joanne: Some British band.
• 10:32
  Joanne: I love that.
• 10:33
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 10:33
  Joanne: Anyways, but the idea of the song is it's this bittersweet symphony called life.
• 10:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:39
  Christie: Oh.
• 10:39
  Joanne: And something about that just really makes me think of everything, you know, every stage has been not necessarily bitter, but not all great.
• 10:48
  Joanne: Right.
• 10:48
  Joanne: You know, like bittersweet, so like newborn, super cuddly- Uh-huh sweet.
• 10:52
  Joanne: You're tired, and you're physically exhausted.
• 10:55
  Joanne: Yes.
• 10:56
  Joanne: The constant demands of caring for a young child.
• 10:59
  Joanne: But every season, I have found,, in parenting has been a little mixture of bitter and sweet, right?
• 11:04
  Joanne: Mm.
• 11:04
  Joanne: Mm.
• 11:04
  Joanne: There's the hard and the good, and just learning to embrace that or just at least acknowledge that- Yeah I feel like helps, and you're not, so discouraged,, when the hard does come.
• 11:16
  Joanne: Right.
• 11:16
  Joanne: Because I, I've yet to experience a season in life that is just all one or the other.
• 11:20
  Christie: Right, and it really is about being able to focus on- the balance of those things- Mm-hmm in the moment.
• 11:29
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 11:29
  Christie: Um, I was sharing with someone a story, uh, that happened when my kids were young in a season when my husband was unemployed, and I- Oh I kept using the word sweet, uh, just to describe- Oh, wow the time.
• 11:44
  Christie: And I just stopped and laughed, and was like,"I do not think I would've used that word- Yeah.
• 11:49
  Christie: in the, in that season."'Cause she said something like,"Oh, well you had such a good attitude about it." I was like,"Oh, wait.
• 11:55
  Christie: Let's back up.
• 11:56
  Christie: I did not have a good attitude in the moment." But now- Right looking back 10 years later- Yeah I see what you're, like you're saying, the bittersweet.
• 12:05
  Christie: I see the sweetness of how it drew our family close and we're- Yeah you know, God did things in our marriage.
• 12:12
  Christie: And, um, so it was a sweet time.
• 12:15
  Christie: It just- Mm the hardship was so loud in the moment, I couldn't- Yeah feel it or see it.
• 12:20
  Joanne: Well,
• 12:20
  Cheryl: that's good.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: You know, so we've all struggled with it.
• 12:24
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:25
  Cheryl: In big ways and small ways, one of the things I have struggled with in my life, because I love going to beautiful destinations- Yeah.
• 12:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm with my kids.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: What I've had to fight is not, hold on to the second.
• 12:39
  Cheryl: I'm going to suck all the marrow out, and enjoy this, and I love anticipating.
• 12:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:46
  Cheryl: And then not going, hold on to it.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: Hold on...
• 12:48
  Cheryl: I can remember when I was younger, that I would dread for the actual day to show up because then the hours are ticking off- Oh, yeah
• 12:59
  Christie: to lose
• 12:59
  Cheryl: it.
• 12:59
  Cheryl: That I didn't want to lose the joy of what's going on.
• 13:03
  Cheryl: Oh, no, the vacation's going to be over.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: The camping trip's- Mm-hmm gonna be finalized.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: And so I was losing the joy of it- In the midst when I was, in the, in the midst of what I loved.
• 13:14
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 13:14
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 13:15
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: We've talked about- Yeah we have the destination ahead of us-
• 13:19
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 13:20
  Cheryl: s- makes us stumble, the nostalgia of the past- Mm-hmm.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: Yeah and the, the losing the present.
• 13:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:26
  Cheryl: So we're a mess.
• 13:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:28
  Christie: Right.
• 13:28
  Christie: It, it's hard to keep focused.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: It sure is.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: All right, so let's bring some things to the table.
• 13:34
  Cheryl: What would help us?
• 13:35
  Cheryl: What has helped you in your life- Mm-hmm or would you share with a mom that's listening to us and saying,"Oh, I struggle with nostalgia or destination or current." Mm-hmm.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: What would you bring to the table to say has helped you?
• 13:49
  Cheryl: Hmm.
• 13:50
  Christie: Well, I know one thing the way I struggle with this is I tend to be a big picture thinker.
• 13:57
  Cheryl: Uh-huh.
• 13:58
  Christie: Even more so, like, forward.
• 14:00
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:00
  Christie: And that can be good, but it can also lead to, like, catastrophizing and, you know.
• 14:05
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:05
  Christie: Um, but I was just remembering the other day, I was walking, um, to lunch in a location that I normally would have driven, but it's a very short distance.
• 14:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:15
  Christie: And I was walking with some friends, and, as we're walking, we're just noticing the landscaping along the way.
• 14:23
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:23
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 14:23
  Christie: And, and, oh, we didn't know that building had been torn down, and, and we're just laughing at ourselves like we're in some kind of art museum or something- Uh-huh seeing the very familiar scene- Yeah that we drive by every day.
• 14:34
  Christie: And I, I just said,"You know, when we drive over here, we just hop in our cars, zip over here-" Yes park, and go in." And
• 14:41
  Joanne: miss
• 14:41
  Christie: all that.
• 14:41
  Christie: But by walking, I'm like,"Oh, I didn't know there were cactus in this flower bed over here."
• 14:47
  Joanne: Oh, interesting.
• 14:47
  Christie: And, um, so I think applying that to what we're talking about, and it sounds so cliche, but slowing down-
• 14:56
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 14:57
  Christie: Mm-hmm is what I really need to do, and m- let my world get smaller.
• 15:01
  Christie: Let the day be the day and not worry about tomorrow, the next day, the next 50 years of my life, and just say,"You know what?
• 15:09
  Christie: Today has some wins, and today has some beauty in it," and just savor those things.
• 15:16
  Cheryl: savor's a good word.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: I really like that.
• 15:19
  Cheryl: And I remember sort of what you're talking about One of the things in watching our current culture, one of the things that I observe, I see parents move their children very quickly.
• 15:31
  Christie: Mm.
• 15:31
  Christie: Mm.
• 15:31
  Cheryl: Like, if a parent is walking with a little one, let's say a toddler, two-year-old, a lot of times they are moving very quickly.
• 15:39
  Christie: Mm.
• 15:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:40
  Cheryl: Because there's a lot of we have to get to the destination mindset- Mm-hmm currently in our culture.
• 15:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: And, uh, one of the things is I see those children walking very fast And we're losing something in that.
• 15:53
  Cheryl: I know we have to get places, and I'm not bringing any condemnation.
• 15:56
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:57
  Cheryl: I'm saying I would encourage parents to set times where you aren't trying to get somewhere.
• 16:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:04
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:05
  Cheryl: Because children are made to savor the moment.
• 16:08
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:09
  Cheryl: One of the things I did and I do it now with my grandchildren, slowing down and getting down on the ground level and looking for roly-polies.
• 16:17
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 16:17
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 16:17
  Cheryl: Or to watch ants, like you turn over a rock and you watch ants, and they're moving around and building and doing all of that, and just slowing down.
• 16:27
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:28
  Cheryl: Because in our adult life, we don't look for roly-polies, and children naturally are bent to the moment.
• 16:37
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 16:38
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: And so I would encourage parents, slow down, whatever it is, with your kids.
• 16:44
  Cheryl: Intentionally go,"I'm going to allow time to do the slow walk."
• 16:49
  Joanne: I love that..
• 16:50
  Joanne: That's so true.
• 16:51
  Joanne: Well, it's like that old saying, you know, stop and smell the roses.
• 16:54
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 16:54
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 16:54
  Joanne: But you're right, kids just naturally do that.
• 16:56
  Joanne: They notice all the little things.
• 16:57
  Joanne: I remember one time being at a park with my oldest, and he was, like, two years old, and we were playing in the playground, and all of a sudden he starts taking off running,'cause he had seen a butterfly fly by.
• 17:08
  Joanne: I didn't even see it.
• 17:09
  Joanne: He noticed, and he's chasing after it, and I just thought, it's so sweet.
• 17:13
  Joanne: If we could just, uh, be like that.
• 17:15
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 17:15
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 17:15
  Joanne: How can we do this?
• 17:17
  Joanne: Let's- Yeah create that awareness.
• 17:19
  Cheryl: So what is some of the things, you've already mentioned some, like the woman in your office.
• 17:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:24
  Cheryl: That's such a sad story, because the job was an entity.
• 17:28
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 17:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:29
  Cheryl: So, like, whether that company still exists or not, the job is an entity, and unfortunately, it dominated her life, and she, was just trying to get through to get on the other side.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: We're talking about our children and parenting and real life with our families.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: How sad that we're trying to get past it-
• 17:49
  Joanne: Mm-hmm
• 17:50
  Cheryl: rather than enjoy it.
• 17:51
  Joanne: Well, and just to, you know, not live our lives in fear of, oh no, we are not promised tomorrow, but more of, these moments are fleeting.
• 17:59
  Joanne: Life is really just a series of moments.
• 18:01
  Joanne: Mm.
• 18:02
  Joanne: Right?
• 18:02
  Joanne: And everything is always changing just like the seasons change, and obviously, children grow so quickly.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:08
  Joanne: And so I, I have had an awareness maybe because of experiences like I mentioned before of just when I'm in a really good moment of we may never have this experience again.
• 18:19
  Joanne: Mm.
• 18:19
  Joanne: Mm.
• 18:20
  Joanne: The, whatever it was.
• 18:21
  Joanne: Like, I remember one time being in our neighborhood pool, and all of our neighbors were there, and my kids were playing with their friends, and we were hanging out with our friends- and the weather was perfect, and it's, you know, it's just like, wow, this is a wonderful moment.
• 18:33
  Joanne: We may never get one like this again.
• 18:35
  Joanne: I'm not sad about it.
• 18:36
  Joanne: I'm not gonna, be living in dread of, oh no, we're not gonna have that again, but just to really just fully appreciate that.
• 18:42
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 18:42
  Joanne: And so, um, I'm thankful for those moments.
• 18:44
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 18:44
  Joanne: The awareness of we may not get this again.
• 18:46
  Joanne: There's this book that my mother-in-law gave me one time- I can't remember the author, but it's, it's all about oh, this is the last time I held you.
• 18:54
  Joanne: And it was all about the lasts.
• 18:55
  Joanne: Mm.
• 18:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:56
  Joanne: And I gave that book away'cause I thought, I don't wanna live like that.
• 18:59
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 18:59
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 19:00
  Joanne: And then there is a thing, actually, there was a social media trend of like recreating, like I can't remember the last time I held my son and there...
• 19:06
  Joanne: Do you know what I'm talking about?
• 19:07
  Joanne: I was
• 19:07
  Christie: just hearing about this.
• 19:08
  Christie: Yeah and like the last time you nursed your baby and the last time you picked your child up- Yes and, yeah.
• 19:13
  Christie: And
• 19:13
  Joanne: I saw a picture of a mom holding her adult son'cause she wanted to remember the last.
• 19:18
  Joanne: I'm glad I don't remember the last.
• 19:19
  Joanne: Uh-huh.
• 19:20
  Joanne: Is that weird?
• 19:20
  Joanne: Like I, I enjoyed the moments.
• 19:23
  Christie: Right.
• 19:24
  Joanne: And I'm glad I don't have the sad of knowing, oh, that was- Yeah the last time I rocked my baby or whatever.
• 19:29
  Christie: Right.
• 19:30
  Christie: Well, if anyone on this planet grieved their kids growing up, it was me.
• 19:32
  Christie: Oh, yes, yes.
• 19:32
  Christie: Oh, agree.
• 19:33
  Christie: Always praying.
• 19:33
  Christie: She can attest that it was- Oh, yeah a lot of grief for me.
• 19:37
  Christie: But I will say, and, you know, people said this to me, I just didn't have ears to hear it, so if this falls flat on your ears, that's fine too.
• 19:45
  Christie: But, um, uh, I am enjoying so many things about this season of parenting young adults that- Mm I'm, I'm really able to see that now, and I agree with you.
• 19:57
  Christie: I don't wanna know the, all the lasts anymore.
• 20:00
  Christie: You know?
• 20:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:00
  Christie: I just want to enjoy what it is right now, um, because there is always joy to be found in every season, and, that's what we're talking about here.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:12
  Cheryl: Uh, okay, what words would we put forward here?
• 20:15
  Cheryl: We're talking about having perspective.
• 20:16
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: Like Joanne,
• 20:19
  Cheryl A: what came out Of that job situation,
• 20:22
  Christie: yes.
• 20:23
  Cheryl A: but also contentment.
• 20:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:25
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 20:26
  Cheryl: You know?
• 20:26
  Cheryl: There's so much high-powered talk in our culture, uh, even in parenting culture, that you've got to head forward.
• 20:35
  Cheryl: You have to have these kids that are gonna be leaders and always looking forward, mm-hmm.
• 20:40
  Cheryl: Well Having ambition and investing the future does not have to be in opposition to gratitude and contentment.
• 20:47
  Christie: Right.
• 20:48
  Christie: Right.
• 20:49
  Cheryl: Beautifully
• 20:49
  Christie: said,
• 20:49
  Cheryl: Cheryl.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: Oh, I would say gratitude and presence.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: Because, I would say being present is really what we're talking about here.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: That those things aren't in opposition to each other, but it needs to be balanced.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: Yes, let's
• 21:03
  Cheryl A: look Forward and be growth-minded and think about that- Right but not sacrifice-
• 21:08
  Christie: Right
• 21:09
  Cheryl: contentment and being very present right now.
• 21:12
  Christie: Yes, and- Mm-hmm to bring some alliteration, ambition and acceptance.
• 21:17
  Christie: Oh, that's good.
• 21:17
  Christie: 'Cause when you talk about, you know, the, um, we're raising world-changers, and you need to go out there and take on the world, and- Mm there's got to be a level of acceptance of who our kids actually are- True and what the world actually does offer them, and what they have available to them, and that has to be true for ourselves, too.
• 21:38
  Christie: You know, we can be discontent with our circumstances.
• 21:41
  Christie: Then we can also be discontent with the circumstances of our kids' lives, and at some point, they grow up, and that's none of your business.
• 21:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:47
  Christie: So, some acceptance of, like we've talked about before, of their choices, of their, you know, their skill sets, their giftings- Mm their opportunities.
• 21:56
  Christie: Um, there's beauty in that, too.
• 21:58
  Joanne: Right.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: And it's, doesn't start with an A, but the investment, that we want to invest in the
• 22:03
  Cheryl A: present
• 22:04
  Cheryl: and we want to invest towards the future- Mm-hmm.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: Right but not sacrifice either one-
• 22:08
  Joanne: Yeah
• 22:09
  Cheryl: to get stuck.
• 22:10
  Cheryl: Or, you know, the, that nostalgia,'cause that
• 22:13
  Cheryl A: last time idea That's the addiction to nostalgia.
• 22:16
  Christie: Right.
• 22:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:17
  Cheryl: That we're gonna be able to recapture the experience of what that was- Right when our kids are gonna be forward-thinking.
• 22:25
  Cheryl: Yeah they don't have nostalgia the last time you held them.
• 22:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:27
  Christie: Right.
• 22:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:28
  Cheryl: They're forward-thinking.
• 22:29
  Cheryl: That's
• 22:30
  Christie: true.
• 22:30
  Cheryl: And one of the things I didn't realize until someone made me aware of it, I thought it would be encouraging to young moms, as an older person to speak into it, to saying,"Oh, relish these young years." Right.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: They're, they're dealing with all that young and to speak into it saying,"Oh, you're gonna look back on that." They said,"By the way, that's not encouraging." Mm-hmm.
• 22:52
  Cheryl: Don't come in and say,"Oh, I miss those years."
• 22:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: Just come in and say,"Wow, what an amazing mom you are."
• 22:58
  Christie: Right.
• 22:59
  Cheryl: Just leave it at that.
• 22:59
  Cheryl: You're doing a great
• 23:00
  Christie: job.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Because we wanna stay actively embracing the present, looking forward, and with the savoring of the umami of what was good in the past.
• 23:11
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 23:12
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 23:12
  Joanne: That's good.
• 23:12
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 23:13
  Joanne: That's a really good point.
• 23:14
  Joanne: Good.
• 23:14
  Joanne: Um, I like that positive spin.
• 23:16
  Christie: Mm.
• 23:16
  Christie: Just, uh, I think- In the spirit of a word to the older mom listening that might be tempted, it's also never helpful to say, like,"Oh, you just wait until you hit the teenage years." Absolutely.
• 23:30
  Christie: Or,"You just wait- Oh, yeah until, you know, the hormones- The dread hit," or whatever the thing is.
• 23:36
  Christie: I know we all think that, mm-hmm.
• 23:38
  Christie: 'Cause every, every season, especially the mom that's doing a good job at what we're talking about and savoring the moment-
• 23:44
  Joanne: Uh-huh
• 23:44
  Christie: it's just easy to, to go there, and that's just not helpful either.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: The dread factor.
• 23:50
  Christie: No.
• 23:50
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:50
  Joanne: It
• 23:51
  Cheryl: is.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Oh, boy.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Yeah you better enjoy this,'cause it gets worse.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:54
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 23:55
  Joanne: I don't like that either, and I, I remember someone coming up to me one time when my kids were little, and she was like,"Oh, just wait till they're teenagers.
• 24:02
  Joanne: They're gonna be so much fun." Oh.
• 24:04
  Joanne: Like,"They're so much fun." Oh, I love that.
• 24:05
  Joanne: And I thought, that was the first time I'd ever had anyone say that, and I thought,"Really?" That's so good.
• 24:09
  Joanne: 'Cause we, especially in our culture, it's,, such a negative thing.
• 24:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:12
  Joanne: And she's right, and it's kind of back to that, like, bittersweet.
• 24:16
  Joanne: Yeah, there's some hard...
• 24:17
  Joanne: Every stage has some hard, but,, we can go hiking with our kids.
• 24:20
  Joanne: Right.
• 24:20
  Joanne: Right.
• 24:20
  Joanne: And they can bathe themselves, and they have- Yeah we do have a lot of fun with our young adults and our teenagers.
• 24:25
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 24:26
  Joanne: So I loved that she had such a positive spin.
• 24:28
  Joanne: I did
• 24:29
  Christie: too.
• 24:30
  Joanne: It was very helpful.
• 24:30
  Christie: Having all girls, we would often get, you know- Oh.
• 24:34
  Christie: "Oh, just wait till-"
• 24:35
  Joanne: Oh, gosh
• 24:36
  Christie: you know, whatever.
• 24:37
  Christie: And I always- Keep your distance yes.
• 24:39
  Christie: I always got so irritated, because they, people would say it in front of my girls.
• 24:43
  Christie: Ugh.
• 24:43
  Christie: And I'm like- Gosh that is, what kind of message is that sending- Yes to young women- Yeah that when they hit teenage years, they're just gonna all of a sudden turn into monsters or something?
• 24:51
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:52
  Christie: No.
• 24:52
  Christie: Um, so yeah, I love that positivity.
• 24:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:54
  Christie: I'm laughing at myself- because I'm remembering right now that I almost wore a hat today because, but I didn't because of the headphones we have to wear while recording.
• 25:03
  Christie: And the hat, it says,"These are the good old days."
• 25:07
  Joanne: Oh, yeah.
• 25:08
  Christie: Oh, yeah.
• 25:08
  Christie: And I just, I wish I would've worn it- That's perfect because that's so appropriate for what we're talking about.
• 25:10
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 25:12
  Christie: We really are living in the good old days, and we don't even know it.
• 25:14
  Cheryl: And we can pretend- It's true'cause it's not a video podcast that you have it on.
• 25:18
  Christie: There you go.
• 25:18
  Christie: There you go.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:19
  Cheryl: And I like this..
• 25:20
  Cheryl: How about if we start this trend where we have a positive perspective?
• 25:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:26
  Cheryl: And if we have something negative to say, like,"Oh, you just wait"- Mm.
• 25:30
  Cheryl: Mm or,"Oh, you're losing it.
• 25:33
  Cheryl: Oh," whichever way.
• 25:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:36
  Cheryl: Any direction.
• 25:37
  Cheryl: Let's just- Yeah be encouraging to the families around you, to someone that you see, another parent that's in a different season or a difficult season.
• 25:46
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 25:46
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 25:46
  Cheryl: That you speak words of life.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: Let's be life-giving.
• 25:50
  Joanne: Mm.
• 25:51
  Cheryl: That is so true.
• 25:51
  Cheryl: Rather than highlighting the negative- Mm-hmm and the dread factor, whatever it is, whichever direction we're talking about in time that we're gonna go- Yeah.
• 26:00
  Cheryl: Right let's encourage one another and,...
• 26:02
  Cheryl: help the person that's in that hard season do well in that season- Yeah looking towards the next.
• 26:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:07
  Christie: Think about what you needed to hear in that season.
• 26:10
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:10
  Cheryl: Well,
• 26:10
  Joanne: and I heard someone say something, and it really just opened my eyes.
• 26:15
  Joanne: Um, you know, you'll find what you're looking for.
• 26:17
  Joanne: And, and so this- Oh, yeah uh, this person, I was listening to her podcast.
• 26:20
  Joanne: So she was talking about the difference between hummingbirds and vultures- Oh is that they find what they're looking for.
• 26:25
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 26:25
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 26:25
  Joanne: Vultures are looking for dead things to eat.
• 26:28
  Joanne: Yes.
• 26:28
  Joanne: Hummingbirds are looking for sweet things to eat, and we can go through life like that.
• 26:33
  Joanne: That's so good.
• 26:34
  Christie: Excellent.
• 26:34
  Joanne: So you know people who are very critical.
• 26:37
  Joanne: You can always find something to criticize.
• 26:39
  Joanne: Sure.
• 26:39
  Joanne: You can always find something negative in a moment.
• 26:42
  Joanne: But, um, I have found so much benefit in trying to find the sweet things.
• 26:46
  Joanne: Mm-hmm.
• 26:46
  Joanne: Mm.
• 26:46
  Joanne: That's not living in denial either.
• 26:48
  Christie: Right.
• 26:48
  Christie: We're not being dismissive- Yeah of the hard- Mm but just, um, not being dismissive of the good either.
• 26:53
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: I like that so much.
• 26:55
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 26:57
  Cheryl: This is amazing, and it really helps me in my life today.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: I want to be very present.
• 27:05
  Cheryl: I wanna bring all these things into my life.
• 27:07
  Christie: Mm.
• 27:08
  Cheryl: Thank you so much.
• 27:09
  Christie: Of course.
• 27:10
  Christie: Thank you.
• 27:11
  Cheryl: This was a really timely discussion, no matter what season you're in.
• 27:14
  Joanne: Yeah.
• 27:15
  Cheryl: Hey, parents, remember, hang in there.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure none of us gets this balance right.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: There are things we need to look forward to, things behind us we're grateful for, and plenty about right now we'd gladly change.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: That's real life, but I don't want to be so busy measuring this season against another one that I fail to actually live it.
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: So I think I'll keep asking myself, am I living the season or comparing it?
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: Not to keep myself in check, but to help me see the season I'm in a little more clearly.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: Hey, we'd love to hear from you.
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: You can always reach us at contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: Thanks for spending this time with us.