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WHEN PEACE IS FOUND IN WHAT’S NOT YOURS TO CONTROL · Back Porch Confessions

• Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hey y'all, welcome in. Barbara with Back Porch Confessions here. trying to see why my desk isn't raising. Hey, anyway, come on in, sit down, let's have a little chat today. Bring your coffee, grab your sweet tea, whatever it is that you're drinking, find a comfortable spot. Because today I want to talk about something I think a lot of us need to hear. And I say that probably in almost every one of my podcasts. but I need to hear it. And s maybe speaking it out loud, maybe I'll get it. So especially me, some days I really need it. Like you just just listen. You know, if you're my friend, you're gonna know, yeah. Especially some days I just really need I need to listen to my own advice. And today I want to talk about how sometimes peace isn't found when you finally get everything under control. That's right. I'm talking about things being in under control. Sometimes peace is found when you finally realize it was never yours to control in the first place. Now that one will preach if you're really listening to it. So it was never yours to control in the first place. Because how many of us have spent days, weeks, months, sometimes even years? Trying to control something that was never actually ours. Trying to control somebody else's behavior, somebody else's opinion, their choices, trying to control how they heal, the relationship that they have with us, somebody else's willingness to communicate, somebody else's ability to love us correctly. I work on that one. I have to work on that one. You know, somebody else's perception of us. Their decision to stay or their decision to leave, their willingness to apologize or willingness to actually make change. And meanwhile, we're exhausted, like absolutely worn slap out. You guys are probably hearing Elon empty. Well, why are we worn slap out? Because we're trying to do a job we were never hired to do. And listen, I know, I know why we do it. Control can feel like safety, especially when you've lived through chaos, trauma, and everything else, when you've experienced abandonment, when you've been betrayed, when you've had people and suddenly those people change, when you've had the the rug pulled out from underneath you, when you spent years walking around on eggshells around somebody. When when you've learned that if you can anticipate everybody else's mood, maybe you can keep peace. So control starts feeling like protection. So we tell ourselves, if I can just figure this out, if I can just explain myself better. If I can get them to understand me, if I can get them to see my side. If I can like predict what's coming, you know, the perpetual planner. if I can fix this relationship. Or if I can keep everybody happy. Then finally feel okay. But there's a problem with that. There always is, right? There's a problem with that. You can spend your entire life waiting for other people to behave correctly before you give yourself permission to have peace. And honey. Some people will have you waiting like forever. Some people are gonna definitely have you waiting forever. So today we're talking about a different kind of peace. Not the peace that comes because everything worked out exactly how you wanted. Not the peace that comes because everybody finally apologized. Because this probably never gonna happen. Not the peace that comes because nobody disappointed you anymore. I'm talking about the kind of peace that says, I cannot control this. But I can control what I do with it. I cannot control them, but I can control me. I cannot control this outcome, but I have control of how much of myself I lose waiting on it. You cannot control tomorrow. But you can choose not to sacrifice today worrying about tomorrow. We all do it, right? And sometimes that is where peace begins. Why do we want control so badly? Alexa volume down one. I want to start with that. Why do human beings want control? Why? Kaz uncertainty is uncomfortable. did I hear you go, my gosh, yes, because uncertainty is uncomfortable. We like knowing what's coming. We like predictability. We like answers. We like plans. We like to know where we stand. Think about how uncomfortable uncertainty can make you. Stop and think about that for a minute. Somebody sends you a text. Can we talk? Excuse me? About what? When? Why? Am I in trouble? Are you mad? What happened? You know, suddenly your brain has written a 14-chapter novel and the person hasn't even called yet. Like we've done went straight down that rabbit hole and come up with all kinds of scenarios of what's wrong. Or say somebody's texting pattern changes all of a sudden. They usually respond immediately. Now it's been three hours. And If you're a chronic overthinker, well guess what? By hour two, you've already decided that the relationship is over. They've moved on to another country, changed their name, and joined the circus, and blocked you on Facebook, TikTok, and everywhere else. Meanwhile, their phone was charging in the kitchen. But that's how our brain works sometimes. Is that how your brain works? This is definitely how my brain works. When information is missing, our minds try to fill the blanks. And unfortunately, an anxious brain doesn't usually fill those blanks with, I'm sure everything is perfectly fine. No, no. yeah. Our brain usually starts with writing a disaster movie. Right? Our brain is going to go straight for disaster because uncertainty feels dangerous, and control gives us the illusion that we can prevent the pain. So if we got this all lined out in our heads, we're gonna be prepared and be okay for it, right? But control and safety are not always the same thing. Really, control and safety. Are not always the same thing. Control can be a trauma response. And this is important. Sometimes what looks like controlling behavior is actually somebody desperately trying to feel safe. Do I need to say that again? Sometimes what looks like controlling behavior is actually somebody desperately trying to feel safe. Does that sound familiar? If you grew up in an unpredictable environment, maybe in adults around you were inconsistent. Maybe somebody struggled with addiction. Maybe there was yelling. Maybe the love was conditional instead of unconditional. Maybe affection disappeared when someone was angry. You never knew which version of someone was walking through the door. You you learned to watch, you learn to listen, you learn to predict, you learn to manage. You learn to read the room before you ever leave to read. Well, before you ever learn to read yourself, before you ever even have a true understanding of what it means to read a room or that's what you're doing. Like we're doing that early, early on if we come from homes like this, if that's what surrounded us, the chaos that was in our life. You're gonna notice facial expressions, tone changes, doors shutting harder than normal. You're gonna notice when there's silence. You see but body language in people and eventually your nervous system says If I can predict what's happening around me, maybe I can prevent something bad from happening. Makes sense. I mean it makes sense that our brains go there. That's survival. But here's where it becomes difficult. What helped you survive one environment can follow you into another environment where you don't need it anymore. Now you're an adult. But you're still scanning, still anticipating, still managing, and still trying to control every possible outcome around you. And your nervous system doesn't understand why you're exhausted. And it's because you've spent the entire day preparing for emergencies that never happened. So sometimes healing means learning. I don't have to predict everything to be safe. You don't have to predict everything to be safe. You don't have to know everything to be okay. And you don't have to control everybody to protect yourself. You're gonna say I can handle uncertainty. I can respond when something happens instead of living my entire life preparing for what might happen. That's a very different way of living. So there's like I want you to imagine like three circles. Okay. I want you to imagine three circles. And then the first circle, I I if you were in my live, you you caught this. So the first circle is what I can control. Okay. So we're gonna draw that circle on the paper or column, however you want to do it. I think in the live I did a column. So inside that circle are things like my words, my actions. My boundaries, my effort, my choices, my responses, my attitude, my willingness to heal, my willingness to walk away, my willingness to stay, apologize, or even change, willingness to forgive what you can't forget, willingness to protect your peace. Now in the second circle or column, What I can influence, what I can change, what I can control. Maybe maybe I can have a conversation. Maybe I can offer advice. I can encourage somebody. I can explain how something affected me. Maybe I can make a request. Or maybe I can express a need. But influence is not controlled. I can communicate clearly, that doesn't guarantee somebody's going to listen. I can love someone, that doesn't guarantee that they'll love me as well. I can encourage somebody to get help. That doesn't mean they will. And I can tell somebody their behavior is hurting me. That doesn't guarantee they'll stop. Usually don't. And then we have the third circle or column. What I cannot control. Other people's opinions, their choices, their reactions, their emotions, their healing, other people's accountability, the past, unexpected events, whether someone is going to misunderstand you, whether somebody is going to talk about you, whether somebody likes you. Or if they're gonna apologize, whether somebody finally sees your value. And here's where a lot of our anxiety comes from. We spend most of our emotional energy living in circle number three, column number three, trying to manage what isn't ours. Does that sound familiar? Have you been trying to manage things that aren't yours? You cannot control how someone sees you. And this one right here, phew, I tell ya. Some of us have spent years trying to correct somebody else's version of us. And you can't. You cannot. Whatever story they're spinning, they believe it. Maybe they misunderstood you. Maybe they only heard half the story. They believed somebody else. They decided who you were without ever even asking you. Never even have that conversation. And you think, well, if I could just explain, if they knew what really happened, maybe if they just knew my intentions, if they knew what I went through. They wouldn't dislike me. Maybe they would just see me differently then. Maybe. Maybe not. And that's the hard part. That's the that's the pill that we have a hard time swallowing. Because sometimes people are committed to misunderstanding you. Committed. Like 10 toes down, committed to misunderstanding you. Sometimes your explanation interferes with the version of the story that they've already decided to believe. And you cannot argue with somebody. And you can't argue them into seeing your heart. Let me say that again. You cannot argue somebody into seeing your heart. There comes a point where explaining yourself stops being communication. Right? Like you feel like you've said the same sentence six hundred different ways and they still don't get it. But yet you still feel the need to continue down the path of trying to explain it a different way. So after you've spent all that time. And you get to the point where the explaining starts becoming begging for validation. You said what you needed to say, you clarified, you told the truth. Now let them decide what they're going to do with it. Their misunderstanding does not automatically become your emergency. So important to remember that. Their misunderstanding does not automatically become your emergency. You don't have to fix it. Let them. You cannot control whether somebody likes you. People pleasers are terrible at this. I'm not picking on people pleasers because I can definitely be one of them. But if you're a people pleaser, I need you to really listen in on this part. Come sit a little Ooh, excuse me. Come sit a little bit closer. Because we need to talk. Not everybody's going to like you. It's terrible news, I know. I know. Somebody needs to call the authorities over it. Yep, this is a shame. This is this is a crime. But seriously, really. You can be kind, you can be generous, you can be thoughtful. show up. You can love people. You can do everything right. And somebody still might not like you. Because people don't experience objectively. Does that make sense? People don't experience objectively. They experience through their own history. Their own insecurities, their own expectations, their own wounds, their own values, their projection, their experiences. You may remind somebody of someone who hurt them. You may trigger something in them without knowing it. You may simply not be their cup of tea. And that's okay. Because here's something I've had to learn. Being liked by everyone. Is not evidence that you're a good person. Boy, I used to hang the sun and moon on that one. Sometimes it's just evidence that you've become whoever everybody needed you to be. And somewhere along the way, you disappeared. Peace is being able to say I hope people understand me. I hope people like me. I hope people see my heart. You guys know that of me. But I don't need universal approval to know who I am. Do you need universal approval to know who you are? You cannot control whether somebody changes the way they see you. This is a hard one when you love somebody, though, because you can see their potential, you can see who they could be, you can see how beautiful their life could become if they would just heal, just get help, just stop drinking, just stop the toxic relationship, stop the toxic behavior. Just deal with their trauma that's tearing them apart. Go to counseling. Just take accountability. Just stop repeating the same patterns. The definition of insanity. And because you love them, you start trying to drag them toward healing. But here's the truth. You cannot heal somebody who is committed to staying wounded. I'm gonna say that for the people in the back. You cannot heal somebody who is committed to staying wounded. You cannot force self-awareness. You cannot force accountability. You cannot force somebody into counseling. You cannot love somebody hard enough to make them love themselves. You can support. You can encourage. You can pray. You can offer resources. You can set boundaries, but you cannot do another person's healing for them. I know. That coming from me, right? Sometimes loving somebody means allowing them to experience the consequences of the choices they continue to make. And that's difficult. That's really difficult. Especially for us fixers. Because fixers confuse helping with carrying. But they're not the same. Helping says, I walk beside you. We'll go through this together. I'll I'll Do this with you right along the side of you. But carrying, carrying is saying, I'll do the walking for both of us. You're gonna look down and your footprints are are not there. Because I'm carrying all your weight for you, like God does for us. Anyway. And eventually you're exhausted. You're still standing in the same place, and you're wondering. Why your back hurts? 'Cause you cannot control whether someone makes those changes. And we have to remember that. We cannot make people change. That is not ours to control. We also can't control whether or not someone stays. And this one is a very difficult one too. So let's talk about abandonment. That's a stickler. That one hurts. Abandonment hurts. No matter what age, it's gonna hurt, right? Because this is where control gets kind of sneaky. When you've been abandoned before, you may start trying to prevent it from happening again. So you overgive, you over explain, you become the easygoing. you might even tolerate things you shouldn't tolerate, avoid boundaries. You're gonna suppress those needs. Shrink yourself, like make yourself smaller. You forgive without accountability, and you just keep saying it's okay when it's absolutely not okay. Because somewhere deep inside you is this fear. If I become difficult, they might leave. If I ask for too much, they might leave. If I tell them I hurt, they might leave. If I set that boundary, They might leave. So instead, you leave yourself. You abandon yourself little by little. And that's the part nobody ever talks about. Sometimes our fear of being abandoned by others causes us to abandon ourselves. I want you to sit on that one for a minute. Like hear what I'm saying when I say that. Think about yourself. Have you abandoned yourself? Your fear of being abandoned has created you abandoning yourself. We have to realize at some point when we decide to try an adult. You cannot guarantee someone will stay. No relationship comes with guarantees ever. You can decide. You can try to decide. Like You're left with choices that a lot of people don't want to make. And those choices are like, I will not destroy myself to make somebody choose me. And for those who deal with abandonment, that's hard. That's a tough one. We we deal with the things of I will not audition for love. How many of you feel like you audition for love routinely? Sorry, I have to look at the internet. It's saying it's having issues. Seems to be fine. Hopefully it is. Anyway, but what we can decide is that we won't destroy ourselves for somebody else. That we will not addition for love. That we will not repeatedly prove our value and that we will not beg someone to see what we bring to the table or what we bring to their life. If somebody chooses to leave, it's gonna hurt. You're gonna grieve. You're probably gonna cry. And you may need some additional time. But you will always survive. This is where you say, but I will survive somebody else's decisions. We have to tell ourselves that. I will survive somebody else's decisions. That's where peace lies in all of that. You cannot control an apology either. How many of you are adamant about getting apologies from people wanting to understand something, getting them to explain themselves? If dry mouth has you constantly reaching for water, listen up because I found something you need to know about, and that is the Rayo Oral Pouch Solutions. They're discreet, easy to use, and designed to help keep your mouth feeling comfortably hydrated without constantly sipping water or grabbing for that piece of candy that hoping it'll help. Just tuck a little pouch in the pocket of your jaw and go about your day. There's no mess, no fuss, it's discreet. Just a simple option for dry mouth relief when you need it. So if dry mouth is driving you crazy, check out the OPS Rio Pouches at Oral Pouch Solutions dot com. Your mouth might just be thanking you for it. Moisture where you need it. OPS Rio, Dry Mouth Pouches, wherever life takes you. Have you ever waited for an apology? That never came? Y'all I live in the country. Somebody's shooting their poo pew. Well, that's painful. Not the pew pew. That would be too, but when you're waiting around for that apology that never comes, it hurts. Because inside you're thinking, surely they know what they did. Surely they'll eventually realize. They'll feel guilty. And they'll come back and say, I'm sorry. Sometimes they do, periodically. But sometimes they don't. And you know, sometimes people rewrite history so thoroughly that they genuinely see themselves as the victim. Do you know any of those? Sometimes they know exactly what they did and don't care. Sometimes they're ashamed, sometimes they're emotionally immature, sometimes accountability threatens the image they have of themselves. And and sometimes you're just simply never going to get the apology. So what then? What do you make of it then? I'm sorry. Maggie does not like pew pew noises. It's okay, baby. It's okay, baby. Come here. Come here. All right? Come here. goodness. It's okay. She does not like that sound. So what then? Right? What then? What do we do with that? Do you do you stay emotionally attached to the person forever, waiting for them to give you permission to heal? Because some of us do that. But no, no, you're not supposed to. Your healing cannot require participation from the other person who hurt you. It it doesn't. Your healing don't require that. Sorry, I gotta put in number two. So your healing cannot require participation of the other person who hurt you. He doesn't require it. Closure isn't always a conversation. Sometimes closure is accepting. It happened. It hurt like hell. I didn't deserve it. I learned from it. And I'm not carrying it into another 10 years, waiting for somebody else to acknowledge it. Because it's not theirs to acknowledge, right? Stop trying to control the past. You know what else we try to control? When we're in that situation, yesterday, we replay it. when we're in that mindset of what what we coulda, shoulda, if this person that person not accountability ho accountability, when we have that brain going and we're wanting this person to have accountability, to apologize, to give us reasoning as to why they acted a certain way, we're trying to control yesterday. in in your brain when you're trying to do that, you have and scenarios go off and you're like, what if I had said this? What if I hadn't gone here, there with a certain subject? What if what if I had what if I'd just noticed sooner? Maybe I would have caught before they did whatever? What if what if I'd left earlier? What if I'd just stayed? What if I hadn't trusted them? What if I'd made a different decision. But the past doesn't negotiate. It's done. It's final. It's the past, right? The past it don't negotiate. It doesn't reopen for editing. There's no little pencil icon beside 2017 where you can click and edit. Wouldn't that be nice? Bless it. I'd be back there with a whole red pen, you know. Let's edit this, edit that. Let me take this out, put that in. Woo. Yeah. So there's no delete. There's no delete, delete. There's no delete and block. Absolutely not. we can't we can't do that from the past and eventually we have to stop trying to emotionally renegotiate events that have already happened you can learn from yesterday you can grieve yesterday i guarantee you you're gonna grieve yesterday you can understand yesterday you can spend time healing from yesterday but you cannot change yesterday And every hour you spend trying to mentally rewrite the past is an hour the past steals from today. I'm gonna say that again. Every hour that you spend trying to mentally rewrite the past is an hour the past steals from today. How many of you fall into that what if trap? I just had that conversation with my daughter, living on what ifs. And it's usually a negative what if, right? Well how about you throw in a positive? Well what if it's the best thing? What if it's the most amazing thing? We don't do that much though, do we? So I'm going to go to the future on this one, whereas I just spoke about how we act with the past, right? Because if we're not trying to rewrite yesterday, we're trying to control tomorrow. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if I lose my job? What if they leave? What if I get sick? What if something happens to my children? What if we don't have enough money? What if this doesn't work? What if, what if, what if? And here's the problem with the what if. There's no finish line. There's literally no finish line in a what if. Your brain can always invent another possibility. And it will. So try changing the question. Instead of what if someone does something wrong. What if someone says something wrong? What if something goes wrong? Try saying, Well, if something goes wrong, what resources do I have to handle it? What? So we can prepare? Instead of just living in that what if and spiraling out? What if something goes wrong? But we have resources to handle it. That puts you back into your circle of control, right? Maybe I can't prevent every problem. But I can trust my myself to respond. That is emotional security. Not nothing bad will ever happen, but if something difficult happens, I will meet that version of myself when I get there. That's a hard one to live by. Like literally. It's scary. So When we have so we go on from the what ifs and how we can control those things, right? And not control what we can't control. So, in the mix of some of those things, you have responsibility. Excuse me, sorry. So, in that, what what is the control versus the responsibility? There is a distinction. This distinction really matters. Letting go of control doesn't mean you don't care. Whatever happens, happens. I have no responsibility. No. Even though some people try to live that way. You still have responsibility. You still make wise decisions. You still plan, communicate, show up, prepare, protect yourself. But responsibility will ask, What is mine to do? Control will ask, how can I guarantee the outcome? See the difference? Those are two different questions. You can prepare for an interview. You cannot control whether you're hired. You can communicate in your marriage. You cannot control how your spouse responds. You can raise your children with love, but you cannot control every decision they make as adults. You can take care of your body. You cannot guarantee perfect health. You can be a good friend. And you cannot guarantee somebody never betrays you. Do what belongs to you, then release what doesn't. Did you hear that? Do what belongs to you. Learn to release what doesn't belong to you. So peace in all of this is What does it require? Does peace require anything in particular? Case doesn't require certainty. Right? Some of you have been saying, I feel better when I know. When I know what they're going to do, when I know whether this relationship is going to work, when I know what's happening within my job, when I know what the doctor says, when I know what the next year looks like. Because we have that need to know, right? But sometimes you don't get to know. Sometimes you don't get to know yet. And that's where peace becomes a practice. Yeah. You have to practice having peace in things. Peace in that will say, I don't know what's coming, but I don't have to destroy today because tomorrow hasn't introduced itself yet. Think about that. Think about how many days you've lost worrying about something that either has happened, will happen or or never does happen. Or it happened completely different than you expected. Then we end up suffering things twice. Why do we do that to ourselves? Once in our imagination of however we concocted the story to be going. And then maybe again in reality. So sometimes we suffer them a hundred times in our imagination. And they never happen at all. That's not preparation. That's emotional exhaustion. So your nervous system needs to learn uncertainty is survivable. So when anxiety hits, we want answers immediately. We want reassurance. We want someone to say everything's going to be okay. But one of the strongest things you can teach yourself is: I can tolerate not knowing. Try saying it. I can tolerate not knowing. Okay. Now try saying, I don't know yet. Versus saying something terrible is happening. Just I don't know yet. Maybe your partner is quiet. I don't know why yet. Maybe somebody hasn't responded. I don't know why yet. Maybe you're waiting on results. You don't know why. Or what they'll say yet. That word yet matters. Because uncertainty isn't always danger. Sometimes uncertainty is simply missing information. Makes sense, right? Uncertainty is just missing information. So I don't know yet. Remember to add the yep. Here's one that I keep talking about in our TikTok lives and I have many times with many people. We don't have to attend every argument we're invited to. We don't. Let's talk about controlling other people's reactions. Say somebody's angry. Okay. Somebody's offended. What's new? Somebody disagrees. Okay. Somebody's thinking your boundary is selfish. Okay. Somebody doesn't like your decision. Okay, that's fine. And I know some of you just twitched when I was saying that. Because you're used to immediately fixing emotional discomfort. Someone gets upset, and suddenly you're explaining, defending, justifying, apologizing, even backtracking. Peace sometimes sounds like, I understand you're upset. And then nothing. No seventeen-paragraph dissertation, no PowerPoint presentation, no exhibit A through Q, no witnesses, no jury, just. I understand you feel differently. The end. Period. You can let someone be disappointed in your decision. Because they don't have to agree. You don't have to get them to agree. Adults, as we most are, are allowed to experience disappointment. We're going to dis experience disappointment. including disappointment with you. There's a difference between peace and avoidance, though. I want to make something clear. Peace isn't pretending nothing bothers you. It's not what I'm telling you to do. Peace isn't suppressing emotions. You know I am not telling you to do that. Peace isn't ignoring problems. It isn't refusing difficult conversations. Peace isn't letting people mistreat you while saying, I'm protecting my peace. That's avoidance. Real peace. can have hard conversations. Real peace can say, that hurt me. Real peace can set boundaries. Peace can leave. Real peace can apologize. Real peace can confront. It can even cry. Grieve. Peace grieves. Peace isn't the absence of uncomfortable emotions. Peace is the absence of constantly fighting reality. Acceptance does not mean approval, right? Acceptance by someone means this is what is happening. Approval means I'm okay with it. Those are not the same thing. I can accept that somebody treated me badly without approving of their behavior. I can accept that a relationship ended without wanting it to end. I can accept that somebody isn't going to apologize without believing. What they did was okay. Accepting simply stops the internal argument with reality. Accepting simply stops the internal argument with reality. Because reality always wins. And once you stop arguing with what is, you can decide what you're going to do next. So when you stop chasing that clarity Sometimes another person's inconsistency is the clarity. I'm gonna say that again. Sometimes another person's inconsistency is the clarity. Sometimes You keep asking where do I stand? But look at the pattern. You keep asking. Do they care? Look at the pattern. You keep asking. Are they going to change? Look at the pattern. We often want words to give us clarity when behavior already has. If they tell you who they are, believe them the first time. Sometimes peace comes when you stop asking the same question hoping for a different answer. behavior is communication too. Their actions. Their actions will definitely show up. I'm sorry, I'm gonna put my take my hearing aids off because I can't keep it with this phone. anyway. So sometimes peace comes when you stop asking, trying to remember what I was saying, the same question, hoping for a different answer. Action Actions speak louder than words. Behavior is communication. The freedom of letting people be who they are. Is one of the most mature things we'll ever do for ourselves. One of the hardest lessons in life is allowing people to reveal themselves and believe in what you're seeing. There you go, what I was just talking about. Not who you hope they become, not who they were in the beginning, not who they are on good days, not their potential, but who they consistently show themselves to be. Because potential can keep people trapped for years. I've been there. But I know who they could be. That but that's potential. Maybe. Maybe you do know. But you're not in a relationship with could be. You're living with who they are today. You can love somebody and still accept that they are not healthy for you. You can understand somebody's trauma and still hold them accountable for how. they treated you. You can have compassion and boundaries. Those things can exist together. It's okay. And sometimes someone talks about you in these situations too. This is another one that that I need to spend more time on. Somebody said something about you, right? Now you're furious. Now you want to call, you want to text, you want to post something, you want to respond somehow, you want to correct the situation, you want to defend. And sometimes you should address misinformation. But sometimes you need to just let people talk. Because you cannot run around town collecting every version of yourself that exists in somebody else's mind and correcting it. You'll never get anything else done. Let your life speak. Let your character speak. Let consistency speak. People who genuinely know who you are, and people who genuinely know you won't need every rumor explained. to them, if they know you and they know who you are, those rumors are are gonna disappear. sorry, my internet still keeps I don't know, anyway. And people committed to believing the worst about you probably won't accept your explanation anyway. Right? I've had this conversation with people recently. Protect your energy. Quit giving it to them. You are not responsible for other people's emotions. This is especially important for people pleasers. You went down, Maggie Mags. Sorry guys. She's down. Okay, good. That was a bit of a drop. The pew pewine is done outside, so I guess she's comfortable. Anyway, on to my next subject. Again, you are not responsible for people's emotions, right? This is insp important for us people placers. You are responsible for how you communicate, but you are not responsible for controlling how somebody else's emotions re and well emotional response really is to your communication. What you communicate You're not in control of how they respond to that. You can be kind, you can be respectful, you can be compassionate, but sometimes the truth disappoints people. Sometimes boundaries anger people. Sometimes saying no inconveniences people. Sometimes choosing yourself makes people uncomfortable because they benefited from the version of you who you Who never You never did say no before. My brain did a split there. So if you've never said no before, they're uncomfortable with you saying no. Their discomfort though does not automatically mean you did something wrong. Remember that. Their discomfort doesn't mean you did anything wrong. So let's jump over to our grown children. So when our children are grown, parents, this is for us. This is hard. Because when they're little, your job is to protect them. Then suddenly they're adults making adult decisions. And you're standing there thinking, sweet Jesus, please do not do that. But they have to live, they have to learn, they have to make their decisions. They're gonna make mistakes. And as parents, our job changes in this. You can advise, you can you can support, you can pray, you can be available, but you cannot live your adult child's life. And trying to control every choice can actually damage the relationship. You're trying so hard to protect, because they're not gonna like it. Whether you mean the best by it or not. Sometimes love says, I don't agree with your decision. I don't agree with this decision. But I love you and I'm here. And for us parents, that's hard. But that's also respect. And they deserve respect as adults. So I have another part that I like to go into with all these things, and that's my faith. Now, y'all know we're here on the back porch with me, right? So eventually we're going to talk about God someway. And one of the hardest things about faith is surrender. Because we love saying, God, I trust you. Then five minutes later, okay, Lord, here's the plan. Anybody? Does that ring a bell? God I trust you. But here's exactly what I need you to do. Here's who needs to apologize. Here's when they need to apologize. Here's what job I need. Here's how much money I need. Here's how this relationship needs to work. And I'd really appreciate it by Thursday. Amen. That's not surrender. It's not. That's giving God a to-do list. Faith says, I will pray for what I want. I will work toward what I believe is right. But I will leave room for God to know what I don't know. One of my favorite reminders comes from Exodus 14 14. I just said it in my life. The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. Stillness is hard, especially in twenty twenty six. When you're when you're used to fighting everything. Sometimes the assignment isn't fight harder. Sometimes it's be still. So what if letting go feels like giving up? I've had people come to me with that lately. People ask this. If I stop trying, doesn't that mean I've given up? You know. Sometimes letting go means finally recognizing the boundary between effort and control. Maybe you've had the conversation twelve times. Maybe you've apologized. Maybe you've tried counseling. Maybe You've explained your needs. You've prayed. You've compromised. You've waited. There comes a point where doing more doesn't create a different outcome. It just creates a more exhausted version of you. Letting go doesn't always mean I don't care anymore. Sometimes it just simply means I care deeply. But I cannot continue destroying myself over something I cannot change. And that's a hard one for us to to admit, to live with, to to reconcile our brains with, especially when we have a need for control. Gravesb41: If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. Every design is crafted with intention, care, and a personal touch that you can feel. Whether you're honoring a loved one, supporting a cause, building your brand, or simply want something one of a kind, Cheryl brings your vision to life in a way that feels truly special. Little Butterfly Design and Print isn't just a business. It's a reminder that even the smallest ideas can transform into something beautiful. Support a small business that pours love into every detail. Find Little Butterfly Design and Print by Cheryl A. Harlan online and see how she can create something meaningful just for you. Back Porch Confessions: So I have a question. When you feel yourself spiraling, ask, is this mine? Is this mine to carry? Is this mine to hold? That's it. Ask, is this mine? It's a simple question. Is this my decision? Is it my responsibility? Is this my behavior? Is this my boundary? Is this my problem to solve? If yes, handle it. If no, what do you think I'm going to tell you to do? Let it go. Release it. not necessarily emotionally in five seconds, we're human. But begin returning responsibility to where it belongs. What do you guys think about that? Can you Return responsibility to where it belongs. That's a tough one to do. 'Cause we we have this control inventory thing that we go through, right? Let's do something together. Think about what's stressing you right now. Name it out loud. Now ask yourself, what part of this situation is actually within my control? Maybe you're worried about a relationship. You can control your communication, your boundaries, your participation, right? You can control those things, but you cannot control the other person's response. Maybe you're worried about finances. You can control your budget, your spending decisions, whether you ask for help, whether you seek additional opportunities. What you cannot control though is every unexpected expense. Maybe you're worried about somebody's opinion. I know we all do that. You can control your behavior. You cannot, though, control their interpretation of it. Those two are separate. Because anxiety loves combining everything into one giant problem. Breaking it apart gives your brain somewhere productive to go. Try it. So what does peace actually sound like? I know that's been in y'all's head. So what does peace actually sound like? Maybe peace sounds like I've said what I needed to say. Maybe it's I don't need to convince them. Maybe it's they're allowed to misunderstand me. Or I cannot make them change. I can love them without rescuing them. I don't know what's going to happen next. I can handle today. I don't need every answer tonight. I am allowed to rest. I can care without carrying. I can pray without obsessing. I can hope without controlling. And I can release what's not mine. What peace doesn't sound like though is peace doesn't sound like I need everybody to agree. I need to know exactly what's happening. I need them to apologize before I move on. I need them to understand why I'm hurt. I need them to admit I was right. I need to know they'll never leave. I need guarantees. Because When your peace depends on someone else's I don't know, when someone else is behaving a certain way, they control your peace, right? Think about that. If someone else must change before you're okay, you've handed them the keys. Take your keys back. Somebody needs to hear this today. I know it. Take your keys back. Your peace belongs to you. Your healing belongs to you. Your boundaries, your future. It all belongs to you. Your emotional regulation. That belongs to you. Stop leaving your emotional house keys in somebody else's pocket. You don't need their permission to heal. You don't need their apology to move forward. You don't need their understanding to know what happened. And you certainly don't need their validation to know your feeling mattered. Take your keys back. So when you're feeling the urge to control, try this. I want you to pause. I want you to breathe. I want you to ask, what am I afraid will happen if I don't control this? That's the real question. Maybe I'm afraid they'll leave. I'm afraid they'll think badly of me. I'm afraid I'll fail. I'm afraid I'll be embarrassed. Be rejected. Something bad will happen. Now you're no longer fighting control. You're addressing the fear underneath it. Because because control is often just fear wearing work boots. When you feel yourself wanting to react immediately, you know what to do. If you listen to me on the lives or the podcast, is give yourself that five seconds to breathe in. One, two, three, four, five. And then ask, does this require my attention now? Not, does this make me uncomfortable? Does it require action? Those are different. Anxiety says do something. Peace will ask, does something actually need to be done? No. So stop borrowing tomorrow's troubles. Some of you are emotionally paying bills that haven't arrived yet. You're grieving things that haven't happened, arguing conversations that haven't occurred, preparing defenses against accusations nobody made, planning for disasters that don't exist. You're borrowing tomorrow's troubles and paying interest today. Come back right here, right now. What's actually happening in this moment? Not what might happen. Maybe right now you're sitting safely on your couch. Maybe you're driving, maybe you're cleaning, maybe you're listening to this podcast. I would assume you are. Not sure why I've said that. Anyway, maybe in in this exact moment, you're okay. Let this moment be enough. Because the relationship between control and resentment can be very interesting. So when we When we over control, we often become resentful because we're doing the emotional labor nobody asked us to do. We're managing, we're planning, we're reminding, fixing, anticipating, rescuing everybody. Then we're angry because nobody appreciates it. Sometimes we have to ask, did they ask me to carry this? Or did I pick it up because I couldn't tolerate watching them handle it differently? That's really uncomfortable, isn't it? But it's important. Sometimes peace means putting down responsibilities you volunteered for because anxiety convinced you they were yours. sweet old anxiety. Remember that you don't have to fix everything today. Some problems need time, some conversations need space, some decisions need sleep. Emotions need to settle. Some relationships need breathing room. Everything does not require immediate resolution. Repeat after me. I do not have to fix everything today. Again. I do not have to fix everything today. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is sleep, eat, take a shower, rest more, pray, go outside, do some grounding, write in your journal, pet a dog, love on the dogs, turn off your phone, and revisit the situation tomorrow with a regulated nervous system. Because when you finally stop chasing, there's a strange quiet that comes when you stop chasing. Chasing explanations, chasing people, chasing closure, chasing validation, reassurance. At first, that quiet feels uncomfortable because we're not used to it. Because you're used to doing. Then slowly the quiet becomes peaceful and you realize I don't have to convince anybody. I don't have to run after someone who keeps walking away. I don't have to keep reopening conversations that don't go nowhere. I don't have to prove I'm worthy of being loved. And suddenly there's space, space for you. And surrender in that is not weakness. Because honestly, I think surrender can be misunderstood. We think surrender means losing. But sometimes surrender is actually one of the strongest things you'll ever do. Because fighting gives us the illusion of control. Surrender requires trust. Trust in yourself. Trust in the process. Trust in time. And for those of us who believe, trust in God. Surrender says I've done what I can, now I release what I cannot. So let's sit here for a minute, not fixing, no planning, no solving, just you and me. What are you carrying right now that isn't yours? Whose behavior? Whose decisions? Whose opinion? Whose healing? Whose responsibility? Whose consequences? Whose emotions? Expectations? Maybe you've been carrying it so long you forgot it wasn't yours. Imagine setting it down beside you. You don't have to throw it away. Just set it down. Feel how heavy it was? Maybe that's why you've been tired. Peace sometimes looks boring to some people. And we can talk about this if you want. If you've lived in chaos, peace can feel weird. No crisis, no drama, nobody needs rescuing, nobody's mad. What do I do? Just sit down. That's what you do. Have some tea. Have a drink. Watch a movie. Doom scroll on TikTok. Take a nap. Go for a walk. We're not creating an emergency because Tuesday feels suspiciously calm. Your nervous system may be accustomed to intensity. That doesn't mean intensity is healthy. Sometimes healing is learning not to confuse peace with boredom. Be careful with that. And be careful with how you react to things when life doesn't go as planned. Because plans change, relationships change, careers change, bodies change, families change, dreams change, and sometimes we're grieving the life we thought we'd have. That's real grief. But peace eventually asks: Can I stop measuring this life against the one I imagined long enough to see what's still beautiful here? Maybe it doesn't look like the plan. That doesn't automatically mean there's nothing good left, right? Your job is not to make life perfect. Your job is to live it. Messy, uncertain, beautiful, painful, unexpected, human. You're going to get something wrong. So will everybody else. You're going to lose people, meet people, change, grow, start over, start over again. You're gonna cry, you're gonna laugh. And hopefully one day you'll realize peace was never waiting at the finish line after you'd finally controlled everything. Peace was available the moment you stopped demanding that life obey you before you allowed yourself to live it. So let's find a new way to respond to it. When something is outside of your control, try saying this is difficult, but it isn't mine to control. When someone misunderstands you, I know who I am. When someone chooses differently than you hoped, that's their choice. When the future feels uncertain. Uncertain. I only have to live today. When the past comes calling, I already sighed survived that chapter, right? Sorry, Max jumping around on my lap. And when anxiety demands answers, I don't know yet. When someone refuses accountability, I don't need their admission to know what I experienced. And when someone leaves, I will grieve, but I will not abandon myself. And when life changes, I can meet the next version of my life when it arrives. And last but not least, I have the faith side of letting go. There are times when prayer needs to change. Sometimes we pray, God change them, God fix this. Make this happen. Stop that. Stop this. Maybe sometimes the prayer becomes God, show me what's mine. Show me what isn't. Give me courage for what I can change. Give me wisdom for what I need to accept. Help me stop interfering with things you never asked me to carry. Help me trust you with people I cannot fix. Help me trust you with outcomes I cannot guarantee. Help me be still. That prayer changes something, maybe not the situation immediately. But it changes the posture of your heart. You're allowed to choose peace before your story ends. I believe this ending is probably my favorite part of all of this. You don't have to wait until everything is resolved to have peace. The relationship can still be uncertain. The answers can still be pending. The apology can still be missing. The future can still be unclear. And you can still decide. I'm going to eat dinner. I'm going to laugh tonight. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to enjoy my life. I'm going to watch the sunset. And I'm going to live. Because peace doesn't require the story to be finished. Sometimes peace arrives in the middle of the chapter. You don't need to know the ending. Some of the hardest seasons are the ones where you don't know how the story ends. But think about every difficult season you've ever survived. And at some point, you didn't know how those ended either. Yet here you are. Maybe not unchanged. Maybe scared. Maybe scarred. Maybe wiser. Softer, stronger. But here, you've survived unanswered questions before. You can survive this one too. Your peace is expensive. It costs you something to get here. Lessons, heartbreaks, tears, mistakes, boundaries, therapy with me, prayer, maybe losing people, finding yourself. So stop handing your peace away cheaply. Not every comment deserves access to it. Not every argument deserves access to it. Not every person deserves access to it. Not every rumor deserves access to it. Not every text deserves immediate access to it. Protect what your what you've worked so hard to build. Before I close, I want you to ask yourself five questions. What am I currently trying to control that isn't mine? What am I afraid will happen if I release it? What part of this situation is mine? What boundary or action belongs to me? What would peace look like if nothing about the other person changed? And the last question? What would peace look like if they never changed? If they never apologized? If they never understood? If they never came back. If they never admitted anything, could you still heal? Could you still build a beautiful life? I believe you can. So here's what I want you to take off this porch with you today. You're not responsible for everything. You were never supposed to be. You don't have to control everybody. You don't have to predict everything. And you don't have to fix everybody. You don't have to manage everybody's emotions. You don't have to force closure. You don't have to chase understanding. And you don't have to convince people to love you. You don't have to drag somebody toward healing. And you don't have to know what happens next. Sometimes you just have to know. What belongs to you and what doesn't. Do your part. Tell the truth. Love the people. Set the boundaries. Apologize when you're wrong. Leave when you need to. Stay when it's healthy. Pray, heal, grow, and then release the rest. Because maybe the peace you've been searching for isn't hiding inside the answer. Maybe it isn't waiting for somebody to change. Maybe it isn't waiting for an apology. Maybe it isn't waiting for tomorrow. Maybe peace has been waiting for you to finally say this isn't mine to control. Thank you guys. Have a great day. I'm sorry it was a long one again. I'll get better at it. Make sure you look at the commercials. I love everybody. Have a great one. Gravesb41: Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly.