Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / How to Force a Narcissist to Back Off | A Self-Aware Perspective

Transcript

How to Force a Narcissist to Back Off | A Self-Aware Perspective · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  Trying to explain your feelings to a narcissist.
• 0:04
  It really is like trying to explain color to someone who
• 0:08
  refuses to open their eyes. Remember in the movie Bird Box?
• 0:11
  They refuse to open their eyes, they refuse to see it, and some
• 0:14
  of them just don't care. Narcissistic people don't
• 0:18
  respect your feelings. They don't respect your
• 0:20
  boundaries. What they do respect most times,
• 0:23
  not all the time, Most times is consequences.
• 0:29
  Today, as a diagnose narcissist, I'm telling you exactly what
• 0:33
  could make a narcissist like myself think twice and possibly
• 0:38
  back off before crossing the line, before disrespecting your
• 0:42
  boundaries and things like that. Y'all, all these intros tell me
• 0:47
  the intro is not bringing the heat.
• 0:50
  Tell me it doesn't make you want to watch further Now seriously,
• 0:54
  if you're new here, Lee Hammock diagnosed narcissist.
• 0:56
  Welcome to another episode of the Narcissist cold.
• 0:59
  Y'all, we're going to hop right into y'all.
• 1:00
  Today we talk about three things that could actually make a
• 1:03
  narcissist respect your boundaries. 3 things that could
• 1:08
  y'all see Y'all see the word I use right there could could say
• 1:12
  it with me now could it didn't say make them it said could make
• 1:17
  them could. That's what I'm saying.
• 1:20
  This doesn't work. Use discretion before implying
• 1:23
  before implementing any of these things, use discretion.
• 1:28
  Please, please. All right, y'all, we will hop
• 1:33
  right into it y'all. The first thing right here
• 1:35
  y'all, is the no explanation boundary.
• 1:40
  It sounds just like the no explanation boundary when you
• 1:42
  give me as a narcissist a long explanation of why you have a
• 1:47
  boundary in the 1st place. You, what you're really doing is
• 1:50
  giving me or that narcissistic person a road map on how to
• 1:54
  argue with you. You're giving me the road map on
• 1:57
  the the blueprint on how to push back on your boundary.
• 2:02
  You know what I'm saying? You, you're telling me how to go
• 2:05
  around it. Then why I said straight to the
• 2:08
  point, you, what you're actually giving me is leverage and that's
• 2:13
  what you need. That's what you need.
• 2:16
  I look, you need leverage to make a narcissist respect their
• 2:21
  boundary in the 1st place, right?
• 2:22
  Remember, remember I said earlier they respect
• 2:25
  consequences. So you need to have some type of
• 2:28
  consequence. You need to have leverage.
• 2:30
  If you're arguing with me to try to explain a boundary that you
• 2:34
  set, then I have the leverage because I have the power.
• 2:38
  You're going back and forth with me.
• 2:40
  You see what I'm saying? You're going to back and forth
• 2:43
  with me. So in order to implement this,
• 2:46
  first thing you need, what you really need to do is like use,
• 2:50
  use a statement of fact, right? Use a statement of fact.
• 2:55
  Say I'm not doing this anymore, right?
• 2:59
  You say it just like this. I'm not doing what's something
• 3:02
  simple. I'm not doing the Kama Sutra
• 3:05
  anymore. Period.
• 3:07
  No, you don't have to say because you don't have to say
• 3:11
  no. It makes me feel, no, you know
• 3:12
  what I'm saying? I'm not doing this anymore.
• 3:15
  You don't need an explanation. I'm not doing the Kama Sutra.
• 3:19
  I'm not opening this relationship.
• 3:21
  I'm not going outside of this. I'm not doing this statement of
• 3:26
  fact, right. It's a statement of fact, a
• 3:30
  factual statement. I'm not doing this no more.
• 3:35
  Of course, use discretion because they're going to want to
• 3:38
  argue. They're going to want to push
• 3:40
  back on it. Of course, you have to have some
• 3:42
  way to enforce this. You have to have some type of
• 3:44
  leverage. What's the consequence, right?
• 3:47
  How do you get, like I said, what's the consequence?
• 3:49
  They're not you. I'm not opening up the
• 3:51
  relationship and if you cheat, I'm leaving.
• 3:54
  I'm not doing the Kama Sutra. If you try to put me in the
• 3:56
  hucklebuck, I'm leaving. I'm not.
• 3:58
  We not clapping cheeks no more. You're not, you know what I'm
• 4:02
  saying? You're not going out.
• 4:04
  It is whatever the boundary you will say statement of fact one.
• 4:08
  Look, you can use this method right here, BIFF brief,
• 4:12
  informative, firm and friendly. Straight to the point.
• 4:17
  Matter of fact, brief, informative, firm and friendly.
• 4:22
  Hey, look, I respect you, but I'm not doing this, period.
• 4:31
  Point blank, Nothing else. You don't have to say nothing
• 4:33
  else right there. I respect you.
• 4:36
  I see where you're coming from, but I'm not doing this.
• 4:40
  I'm not comfortable with that. You don't have to tell them why,
• 4:43
  right? What we What happens if you over
• 4:46
  explain yourself? You're teaching me how to argue.
• 4:49
  Like if you don't give me an argument to win, I have nothing
• 4:53
  to fight against. See what I'm saying stop
• 4:56
  explaining it you don't have to explain yourself y'all
• 4:58
  especially if you have leverage like if you if you're coach on a
• 5:00
  Co parent. I'm not dropping the kids off
• 5:02
  look I'm my I have a third party My mom is going to drop the baby
• 5:07
  off not me. Well you you have to do it your
• 5:11
  mom shows up. What are you going to do keep
• 5:13
  the baby? You know what I'm saying?
• 5:14
  This will help what happens right there y'all?
• 5:16
  So .2 the immediate consequence if slash Dan the if Dan rule
• 5:27
  right? Hey, what what ends up happening
• 5:29
  right here, y'all? Hey, if you set a boundary, A
• 5:31
  narcissist will test the boundary like an electric fence.
• 5:35
  Y'all seen Jurassic Park where they get came to the the big
• 5:38
  fence and Allen took the stick and threw it against the fence
• 5:42
  to making sure it wasn't electrified.
• 5:43
  That's what narcissists do. They test the boundary.
• 5:46
  They test to see if they're going to get electrocuted.
• 5:48
  They test to see if they're going to get sparked up or stuff
• 5:51
  like that, right? If there's no electric shock,
• 5:54
  they're going to climb the fence.
• 5:56
  If there's no barbed wire, they're going to climb the
• 5:59
  fence. If there's no slip, no, there's
• 6:01
  no slip, no oil on it, no oil slick, they're going to climb
• 6:05
  the fence. You see what I'm saying?
• 6:08
  If I come up to it, throw the stick, there's no shock, there's
• 6:10
  no repercussion. Then guess what?
• 6:12
  I'm going to climb the fence. That's what's going to happen
• 6:15
  right here. Y'all you in essence, right
• 6:18
  here. To implement this one, you have
• 6:20
  to attach a physical or logistical consequence to the
• 6:24
  boundary. You know what I'm saying?
• 6:27
  You have to show them the immediate consequence right
• 6:30
  here. If you raise your voice at me,
• 6:32
  I'm hanging up the phone or I'm leaving the room.
• 6:35
  Boom. If you hit me, you're going to
• 6:39
  jail. If you cheat on me, you'll never
• 6:43
  see me again. You see right there, if then, if
• 6:52
  you input, if you go out, if you go to your female like this is
• 6:58
  male, female, right? If you go to your female
• 6:59
  friend's house, turn your phone off and spend the night there,
• 7:02
  you, I will be gone. Then I will be gone.
• 7:05
  When you come back, you'll never hear from me again.
• 7:09
  If you yell at me, I'm going to block you.
• 7:12
  You know what I'm saying? If you pop at my if you come to
• 7:14
  my house, then I'm going to call the cops.
• 7:18
  If you, if you hit me or whatever your case may be, if
• 7:21
  you danger endanger me or you stalk me, I'm going to get a
• 7:24
  restraining order. If then right, you actually like
• 7:28
  and you guess what y'all? If it happens, then you have to
• 7:32
  enforce it. Don't have empty idle threats.
• 7:35
  Y'all do not have empty idle threats.
• 7:39
  These are just empty threats if they violate the boundary.
• 7:43
  Indeed, whatever you say. If you told them what would
• 7:45
  happen if they violated the boundary, if you don't do it,
• 7:47
  they're going to keep doing it. If they don't get an electric
• 7:50
  shock, they're going to keep climbing the fence.
• 7:54
  You know what I'm saying? If the dog does not get punished
• 7:58
  for pissing on the carpet, they're going to get keep
• 8:01
  pissing on the carpet. If you give them a treat for
• 8:03
  pooping in the house, they're going to keep pooping in the
• 8:06
  house. You see, that's how it goes
• 8:09
  right there. You actually have to enforce it.
• 8:11
  If you tell them, if you yell at me, I'm going to hang up and
• 8:14
  they yell at you and you don't hang up, guess what?
• 8:16
  You're going to get screamed and yelled at all the time.
• 8:19
  I know you're going to be scared doing it, but sometimes you have
• 8:21
  to enforce it, Y'all, You have to show them that you're not
• 8:23
  afraid. Of course, use discretion, arm
• 8:26
  yourself. Whatever you have to do, call
• 8:28
  the police. Whatever you have to do to
• 8:29
  enforce said boundary, do it. Y'all do it if you if I if you
• 8:34
  say if you yell at me, I'm going to hang up on you and they yell
• 8:36
  at you and you warn them five times.
• 8:38
  I told you if you yell at me I'm going to hang up on you.
• 8:39
  I told you if you do it I'm going to do it.
• 8:41
  They're not going to respect it you you might as well unplug the
• 8:44
  electric fence. It's not an electric fence
• 8:46
  anymore it's like a little it's a ramp now it's a speed bump
• 8:48
  right it's not a boundary, it's a speed bump.
• 8:51
  That's what ends up happening right here.
• 8:52
  Y'all .3 what we're going to call emotional indifference, The
• 8:58
  So what you give them So what, So what energy.
• 9:05
  This is why we fire y'all. So think about it like this
• 9:07
  right here. If I cross your boundary as a
• 9:10
  narcissist and you get angry or cry, I still win because I'm in
• 9:16
  control of your emotions. That's narcissistic supply.
• 9:19
  That's validation. If I cross the boundary that you
• 9:22
  set, that you react and don't enforce it and you just cry or
• 9:27
  you get angry and yell at me, guess what?
• 9:28
  I got an emotional reaction from you Guess what I win.
• 9:32
  That's why I said you have to have emotional indifference.
• 9:34
  Don't give them a reaction right when they cross a line, don't
• 9:38
  get mad, get boring. Remove the emotional reaction
• 9:42
  from it right. Like think about like this when
• 9:45
  you stop reacting emotionally, you like when you stop reacting
• 9:49
  emotionally, y'all you truly become like lower is there's low
• 9:54
  reward from it. Like it's a high cost, low
• 9:57
  reward situation. I'm put I'm risking a lot by
• 10:00
  violating the boundary and if you don't react, I get nothing
• 10:03
  from it. High cost, low reward.
• 10:06
  Like narcissistic people are looking for the big payoff,
• 10:08
  right? They're looking for the path to
• 10:11
  least resistance. That's why sometimes they they
• 10:13
  would just go to somebody else. If you have set strong
• 10:15
  boundaries, sometimes they'll just find somebody else who has
• 10:18
  more LAX boundaries, right? They're looking for the path of
• 10:22
  least resistance and whatnot. And this is what happens so many
• 10:26
  times in this situation. This is what happens here in
• 10:28
  these in these spaces and whatnot.
• 10:30
  They're looking for the path of least resistance.
• 10:32
  They literally are. So if you make it too difficult
• 10:35
  or too boring to mess with you, like they typically will try to
• 10:38
  move on. They'll try to find another
• 10:40
  target. They'll do something like that,
• 10:42
  right? And they'll keep doing it over
• 10:44
  and over again. They'll and look, does this mean
• 10:46
  that they will leave you on for good?
• 10:47
  No, sometimes they'll find a new car target and they'll keep
• 10:51
  messing with you and stuff like that.
• 10:53
  Sometimes they'll find a new target.
• 10:54
  Sometimes they'll find a new a new point and they'll keep
• 10:57
  messing with you. Exactly like that right there.
• 11:00
  That's the point of narcissistic people, right?
• 11:02
  The path of least resistance, the lesser target.
• 11:05
  This is what they want to do, right?
• 11:07
  So you have to enforce it. You really, really do like you
• 11:10
  have to enforce it. You have to follow these three
• 11:12
  steps, these three methods right here, y'all.
• 11:14
  And if none of them work, you got to cut them off.
• 11:16
  You try to be of course, be safe because or start implementing
• 11:19
  the Gray rock and stuff like that, y'all.
• 11:21
  So think about it right here. In conclusion, it's not going to
• 11:24
  feel good at first, right? Setting these boundaries.
• 11:25
  You might feel uncomfortable because it's so late in the
• 11:27
  relationship. You might feel weird setting the
• 11:29
  boundary of somebody that you've been dating for years or married
• 11:31
  to for years, right? You might feel weird trying to
• 11:33
  implement one of these things. But if you don't life nothing,
• 11:36
  nothing changes if nothing changes, right?
• 11:38
  But when you try to implement some of these things, they, they
• 11:41
  sometime they will ramp up the drama, right?
• 11:44
  They will ramp up the drama. They will try to break you back
• 11:47
  into submission. They will just try to get you to
• 11:49
  lower the boundaries, lower the guard, behave like you
• 11:52
  previously behaved. Let me do what I previously been
• 11:54
  doing. But if you hold that line, if
• 11:58
  you stay strong, if you don't give them that emotional
• 12:00
  reaction, the situation has to change because you aren't
• 12:04
  playing the game anymore. Look, be the wall.
• 12:09
  Become the wall, not the mirror that helps you heal, that helps
• 12:13
  you move forward, that helps empower you right there.
• 12:15
  Y'all be the wall, not the mirror.
• 12:17
  Try these like like so think about it like this right here.
• 12:20
  What is 1 boundary? Leave this in the comment
• 12:22
  section. What is 1 boundary that you've
• 12:25
  set with a narcissist that actually stuck or what's 1
• 12:30
  you're struggling to hold right now?
• 12:32
  Drop it in the comment section. Y'all I'm responding to y'all
• 12:33
  know I respond to the comments. Y'all know so I'm always in the
• 12:35
  comment section and look you want to do a one-on-one or take
• 12:39
  one of my courses or whatnot join my groups.
• 12:41
  Everything you can find is at mentalillness.net, y'all mental
• 12:44
  illness.net. All the other good stuff is
• 12:47
  there. Y'all hit the subscribe button
• 12:48
  and I am out. Peace.